The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Eating Contest - full transcript
Company B constantly loses all bets against rival Company A, but upon the arrival of Ed 'The Stomach' Honnegan, they sense their chance to win an Eating Contest. The only problem they encounter is that The Stomach has lost his appetite.
What was that score we lost by?
I couldn't keep up with it.
- 68 to nothing.
- 68 to nothing.
You'd think they'd at least
give us one point for showing up.
What was wrong with
you guys out there,
after all the
coaching I gave you?!
There was something
big happening out there!
Something more important than
just the morale of Company "B"
or to prove that the American
soldier fights to the end.
We had money on this game!
75 bucks of the
platoon's welfare fund
was fumbled away this afternoon.
And we do mean fumbled.
And, you, next time we choose
one of your cooks
to play quarterback,
make sure he washes
the butter off his hands.
Now it's my fault, huh?
My kitchen platoon lost
90 bucks on that game
you said was in the bag.
All right, all right.
And on top of that, Zalinka,
my best doughnut man,
gets a broken finger.
68 to nothing!
Ten fingers and it's got to be
the one he makes the holes with.
All right, all right, come on!
Things are bad all over.
All right, men, wash up.
Gee...
I know Uncle Sam needs
men, but not as badly as I do.
What are we
knocking ourselves out
trying to beat that Company "A"?
Football, basketball,
soccer, softball...
We keep betting them,
they keep taking our money.
The Army says athletics
is good for our morale.
I got a kitchen full of cooks
ready for mass suicide.
Look, Sowici, if you want to
cry, go to your own barracks.
We got work to do around here.
Rocco, aren't you supposed
to get those duty rosters out?
Or maybe you got a
secretary handling it for you.
Yo.
60 bucks from my supply platoon.
And we lost 75.
All right, stop beefing.
I'll get the money back somehow.
- Come on.
- It's just that Company "A,"
they get all the breaks
and the new transfers.
Each guy they get is bigger
and tougher than the next one.
What we need around
here is some new talent.
Some guys with,
with athletic ability.
Some guys who... Who are you?
Uh, Sergeant Bilko?
I'm Sergeant Bilko.
Who are you?
Uh, Honergan.
Ed-Ed Honergan.
I've been transferred
to your motor pool
platoon from Camp Dixon.
I'm a, uh, mechanic.
Uh, specialist rating.
Camp Dixon, huh?
Got some pretty good
teams up there, huh, pal?
What do you do?
Uh, I've worked on
half-tracks, engine and body.
- I've done a little of the...
- Listen, uh, play any football?
Football? You play any football?
No.
Oh, saving yourself
for basketball, huh?
- Big guy.
- I've done a lot of
valve and piston
repair, transmission, uh...
How about, uh, baseball?
A little baseball? Huh?
No.
- Soccer? Play any soccer?
- I do...
No soccer.
I do diesel engine overhauls.
Uh, carburetor, trans...
How about, uh, baseball?
Softball?
I have some exper... Water polo?
Any skiing?
How are you at tiddlywinks?
Gee, I'm-I'm-I'm sorry, Sarge.
I've-I've never gone in
for any kind of games.
I guess I'm just a soldier.
That's the last thing I need
in this outfit is a soldier.
Let me look.
Okay, Honergan.
- Here, Henshaw.
- Yo.
I'm putting him
on motor rebuilds.
Take him inside and brief him.
- Right.
- Welcome aboard, Corporal.
- This way, Honergan.
- Hey, Rocco, look alive!
I'm coming.
Oh, excuse me.
Hey!
Ain't, ain't you Ed Honergan?
That's right, yeah.
Gee, I-I never thought I'd
get to meet you in person.
I... I won $50 on you
that time in Okinawa.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
Uh, uh, excuse me.
Who would believe it?
Ed Honergan in our platoon.
Hey, Roc, who is that guy?
You mean, for real,
you don't know?
Who is he?!
Honergan! Ed Honergan!
Here we go.
Who's Ed Honergan?!
You mean, for real,
you don't know, Sarge?
Gee, weren't you
in the South Pacific?
Oh, we're back to playing
stop the clock again.
Who is he?!
I thought everybody knew him.
He's, he's the Stomach.
Stomach?
The Stomach.
I knew he looked familiar!
The Stomach in our company!
- Wow!
- Oh, boy!
We got the Stomach
in... Who's the Stomach?!
The-The Stomach!
The-The eating champion
of the United States Army.
Eating champion?
Mr. Appetite himself.
You remember during the war,
we used to have
them eating contests?
Every division had its champ.
The Stomach could take 'em all.
Hey, remember the championship
finals at Kwajalein Island?
Boy, wait till my boys find out
who they'll be cooking
for from now on.
Here, what's the
matter, you crazy?
Don't mention a word about this.
Keep this under your hat until
we're ready to make our move.
What move?
Well, correct me if I'm wrong,
but hasn't it been
said that Company "A"
has a guy that they
think is quite an eater?
Yeah, that supply
sergeant, Hog Henderson.
Oh, he's the, he's the best
knife and fork
man in the division.
Unless I'm mistaken,
from time to time,
don't they like to bet on him?
Yeah, but we never had nobody
that could compare
with him when the...
Ernie!
Ah, the sun is starting to
peek through the clouds.
An eating contest?
Yeah, you know how
the guys in my outfit are.
They'll bet on anything.
They figure on man-to-man
betting, maybe we got a chance.
Oh, sure, sure.
Anything to accommodate you.
Uh, how much you putting up?
Well, I got $70 out
of our welfare fund.
And here's 55 from
my kitchen platoon
and 60 from Signal Corps.
50 from supply.
235 bucks.
You boys must think you
got quite an eater over there.
Oh, I don't know, some
joker, he thinks he's a glutton.
- What's his name?
- I forget.
- Some little guy.
- Thin.
Yeah, little, thin fella.
Well, there you are.
You got yourself a bet.
We, uh, we hold the
bet in standard procedure
according to the inter-platoon
betting regulations.
Check.
Uh, here, here.
Wriggle, wriggle, wriggle.
All right.
Zimmerman, take this
down to the machine shop
and have it welded.
Then, uh, then give it to
the chaplain to hold for us.
Yes, sir.
- Rocco!
- I'm right behind him.
Uh, Zimmerman.
Have that sergeant
step in here, please.
Yes, sir.
Well, like they say at
Madison Square Garden,
"May the best man
emerge victorious."
Huh?! All right?!
Bilko, you disappoint me, boy.
Disappoint you?
Yeah, for the sharpest
operator on the post,
you sure pulled a boo-boo.
What you talking about, boy?
For a guy who's supposed to know
everything about
everything on this post,
you seem to have forgotten,
we got a pretty good knife
and fork man in our outfit, too.
Come in.
Men, I want you to meet
Sergeant Henderson.
Hi, I... Hog Henderson?!
You told me he was transferred!
Somebody told me.
Oh, we haven't got a chance!
Oh, give us a bre... give
us at least three-to-one odds.
Not a chance.
Wait till the area
hears about this.
Bilko matching some Company
"B" meatball against the Hog.
Hog Henderson, champion
eater of the Canal Zone
three years running, title
holder in the Philippines.
And get this...
At Kwajalein, in
the inter-zone finals
for the world's championship,
he came in third to the Stomach.
The Stomach!
Take your hats off when
you mention that name.
He was the greatest.
Gee whiz. Allan,
give us a break.
Give us at least
two-to-one odds!
Not a chance.
We'll drop by later to discuss
the details of the contest.
That is, if you can
call it a contest.
Ah, give us a break,
will you, Allan?!
Have mercy! Mercy!
What am I gonna tell my...?!
You mean, one guy's
gonna eat all that?
Are you kidding?
For the Stomach,
this is just a snack.
I tell you, we got
the champ in there.
Would I be risking
the entire welfare fund
if this wasn't a sure thing?
Sure thing. Everything
is a sure thing
with this outfit until we lose.
They say this Hog
Henderson is murder
with the meat and potatoes.
Hog Henderson... is he kidding?
Henderson is a canary
compared to the...
Tell 'em, Rocco.
One day in Kwajalein,
with my own eyes,
I seen him put
away nine chickens,
five pounds of potatoes, a
bushel of carrots and peas
19 corns and eight pies
and he wasn't
even breathing hard.
Hey, welcome, welcome, Corporal.
Your chair, monsieur.
Say, say, what's...
what's-what's all this?
Oh, it's just a
tradition of the platoon.
A new member always gets
his first meal served here.
Won't you?
Say, that looks great.
Boy, let me at that food.
Stand back.
You want to be eaten?
Boy, yum.
Yum. Steak.
I'm-I'm hungry.
He's hungry.
I-I missed my
lunch on the train.
He missed his lunch.
I told you, you haven't
got enough food here.
I've got more in the jeep.
Look at that forehand.
Isn't that a thing of
beauty? Look at that.
Say-Say, aren't you fellas
going down to the mess hall?
No, no, don't mind us.
This is a privilege
to just stand here
and just watch you.
That just hit the spot.
What's the matter, something
wrong with the steak?
No, it was terrific.
Oh, I get it, see...
he smokes in
between bites, right?
No, I'm-I'm-I'm full.
Say-Say... thanks
an awful lot, fellas.
Thanks an awful lot.
Hey, I wonder what's playing
at the post movie tonight.
Movie? Eddie, baby,
we haven't finished
the Batman yet.
You bet money on that guy?!
There's got to
be an explanation.
Hey, where you going?
He wants some bicarbonate.
Claims he ate too much.
Hold it.
Hey, Eddie boy.
I hope you're feeling better.
Oh, sure thing, yeah.
Sit down, sit down.
Oh, say, say, you
sure make a guy
feel at home in this outfit.
Well, that's what
I'm here for...
To give the boys a
home away from home.
Yeah.
You know something, Ed?
The boys were telling me
when you were overseas
you had a nickname.
What was it again?
- Oh...
- The Kidney, The Liver, what...?
Oh, uh, uh, they used
to call me the Stomach.
That's it, the Stomach, yeah.
That wa... that was because
I was a real heavy eater.
Uh, in-in-in fact, I
used to win contests.
Contests, huh?
Yeah, but let's not
talk about that. Gee...
No, no, no, let's talk about it.
I want to know
all about my boys.
Well, uh, when I was overseas,
I had a-a girl back
home I was crazy about.
Uh, then one day, I
got one of those letters...
- Uh...
- Oh, yeah, "Dear John, I found another...
Stanley is his name."
I know the letters, yes.
She found somebody
else, and I was miserable.
It seems misery has a
funny reaction with me.
It makes me hungry.
The more miserable I
got, the hungrier I got.
Pretty soon, uh...
I-I-I started eating.
I-I mean eating.
Pretty soon, the only place I
could get enough food to eat
was in contests.
And before I knew
it, I was so miserable,
I was the champion
eater of the whole Army.
Champion, huh?
Terrible, isn't it?
Yeah, it's awful. Go
on, tell me more about it.
Uh, I was compensating,
uh... Compensating?
Yeah, th-that's what
Captain Lazarus said.
Captain Lazarus?
Yeah, he was the
Army psychiatrist
that straightened me out.
That dirty... That's
nice. I'm glad he...
I'm glad he got to you, 'cause
I know I guy can be helped.
A-A-A-All I had to do was get
my mind off her... forget her.
Today, I don't want to
remember her name,
what she looked like
or anything about her.
And you see before you
a happy man, Sergeant.
Very good. You stay that way.
I'll have Henshaw
bring you a bicarbonate.
Just take it easy.
I'll be right back.
Is he really the Stomach?
He's the Stomach, all right...
Only with a complication.
It seems when he was overseas,
the only time he wanted food
was when he was miserable.
Overseas... That
made me miserable.
All right, all right! What?
Are you starting with jokes?
We got to find out a way, a
way to remind him of his girl
so he'll be so miserable
that he'll start...
Hey, when we were overseas,
what was it that
reminded us of our girl?
- Another girl.
- Aw, come on.
I know. There was always
one thing that kept us together,
even though we were miles apart.
A song. The song.
Always a song.
We used to call it... our song.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Emma!
See? See? That's
what we got to find out.
We got to find out the song
that reminds him of his gi...
- Gomez, here!
- Yeah?
Go to every service club...
Get me every phonograph record
that was a hit
between 1942 and 1945
when the Stomach was overseas.
Oh, boy, those
jokes are really great.
I love that one, what is it?
Why does a fireman wear red?
I-I-I-I got another
one you'll all like.
He's got another
one. Get the record.
- Huh?
- The record!
Oh, how about some records?
Oh, we don't want 'em now.
Eddie's got some jokes to tell.
- Uh, uh, records?
- You don't mind, do you?
You see, once a week
we like to play records
for old time's sake.
Oh, sure, sure, go right
ahead. I'd love to hear 'em.
We old warriors do get
sentimental, don't we?
Sure.
Oh... memories.
What memories.
♪ I got my Tootie ♪
♪ And then she goes out... ♪
I don't like this
one... It's too jazzy.
Oh, this one'll
tear your heart out.
♪ ...Long time ♪
♪ Hi, good-bye and little one ♪
♪ And I got of the wonder... ♪
I don't like that.
It's too frivolous.
♪ I'll walk alone ♪
♪ Because, to
tell you the truth ♪
♪ I'll be lonely ♪
♪ I don't mind ♪
♪ Being lonely ♪
♪ When my heart tells me ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ Are lonely, too ♪
♪ I'll walk alone ♪
♪ They'll ask me why ♪
♪ And I'll tell them ♪
♪ I'd rath... ♪
Where you going, Eddie?
Uh, to the PX.
I want to get something to eat.
♪ I'll walk alone ♪
♪ Because, to
tell you the truth ♪
♪ I'll be lonely ♪
♪ I don't mind being lonely ♪
♪ When my heart tells me ♪
♪ You are lonely, too ♪
♪ I'll walk alone ♪
♪ They'll ask me why ♪
♪ And I'll tell them ♪
♪ I'd rather... ♪
Okay, take a break.
You're on.
Hensh... where... Henshaw!
What are you doing here
alone? Where's the Stomach?
Aw, gee, Sarge, the poor
guy was so miserable.
He was miserable, huh?
Yeah, moanin' and sniffin'.
I couldn't take it any longer.
I told him to have a good,
long talk with the chaplain.
Good... The chaplain?!
Well... Maybe it's not too late!
It's too late.
Hiya, Padre.
Hello, Bilko.
Let's try to brighten
up that corner, huh?
Uh, uh, uh, don't worry, Padre,
that-that talk with
you was all I needed.
Thanks.
- Awful nice guy, Bilko.
- Yeah, yeah, he is.
He was telling me you've
been wonderful to him.
Oh, you know what I mean, Padre,
just showing him the
hospitality of the barracks.
Yes, he's happy
now, but it won't last.
It won't?!
It won't? It won't?
He's too much in
love with that girl.
He told me all about her.
She lives in Tulsa.
But he was hurt so
much when she...
Well, I wish I could do
something, but what?
Well, wha-what can
you, you know...?
Good night, Padre.
Oh. By the way,
that cash box has been
in my office a week now.
I wouldn't by any chance
be holding a gambling
stake again, would I?
Gambling?
Gee whiz, Padre,
why do... Gambling?
Mm, that's our welfare fund.
You know, in case somebody
in the platoon gets in trouble
and needs a little hel...
Gambling? I mean, really, Padre.
Bilko, gambler or not, the
odds on you getting into Heaven
are getting bigger every day.
- So long, Padre.
- Good night, Padre.
Uh, so long, Padre.
- Gee, wonderful guy.
- He sure is.
How do you feel?
Oh, say, say, say,
- I got a couple new jokes to tell you.
- Jokes?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, let's hear some jokes.
Oh, wait'll you hear this one.
- This is...
- I know it'll be great. I love jokes.
Hold it. This is a
job for an expert.
This calls for a real louse.
Ah, Eddie!
Glad to see you feeling better.
Oh, oh, oh, sure.
You got enough to read?
Oh, yeah. Say, say,
imagine me mooning over a
girl I-I haven't seen in ten years.
Silliest thing I ever heard.
Yeah.
I mean, I mean, girls
are like streetcars.
There'll be another one
along any minute, right?
I mean, they're...
they're... they're all alike,
and-and Hazel
was like all of 'em.
You need her like you
need another head, right?
Boy! I'm telling
you, I-I don't...
I don't want any
part of her, never.
I don't blame you.
You're through, right?
- Yeah.
- Through. Finished.
Finished.
That's what you
told the chaplain,
and that's what you told me.
But can you tell
it to your heart?
Can you tell your
heart you're through?
No.
Well, well, if it isn't the
suckers from Company "B."
Well, Bilko, where's your boy?
He'll be along... I think he
stopped in the coffee shop
for a little snack.
- Henshaw!
- Yo!
- Got our man here?
- Right here, Sarge.
Fellas, I'd like you to meet...
It's... it's Ed Honergan,
the Stomach!
The Stomach?
Bet's off! You
brought in a ringer!
Hold the phone,
pal. It's all legitimate.
Here's his name
right on the roster.
"Edwin C. Honergan."
Gosh, it's really him!
- Hello, Hog.
- He remembered my name.
He remembered my name!
Will you pull yourself together?
You're eating against him!
Yes, sir!
A banquet. How many
will be in the room?
There'll be 50 of us.
Just a minute.
- Here's the menu we want.
- Oh...
Yes. Thank you.
Ah, "Ten dozen oysters..."
Uh, with, uh,
plenty of crackers.
"Five gallons of soup..."
Uh, maybe a little
light consommé.
Uh, cream of tomato
with lots of croutons.
"12 chickens, three
bushel of salad,
14 steaks, six pies..."
Uh, with-with cheese.
Yes. Well, now,
that'll be service for 50.
Hold it, hold it.
Service for two.
I... beg your pardon?
Two. Two.
Toi, moi... Two.
Ready?
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Go, go, go!
- No.
- Ah, come on... I had it.
Take everything
away. The winner!
Wait just a minute.
Not until he finishes
that last piece of cheese.
Okay, go after it, Stomach.
Come on, champ. Show 'em.
Edwin!
- Hazel!
- Oh!
Wait just a minute.
Madam, just a minute.
- When the chaplain phoned, I flew!
- This is a stag party.
- Oh, honey, you look so wonderful!
- But I...
But I.. But I can't
eat the cheese. I'm...
- For men only.
- I didn't mean that letter I wrote to you.
Eat the cheese! Will you stop
- screaming in my ear?!
- Oh, Edwin, you look marvelous.
- You look simply wonderful!
- Eat the cheese, will you?!
I'm not miserable
anymore. Isn't she beautiful?
Will you please eat the cheese?
- Isn't she beautiful?
- The cheese.
- Will you please go away?
- Oh. Oh. Oh.
- Eat the cheese. The cheese!
- Oh, Edwin.
Eat... Ah!
He did it!
That's it, Sarge!
Oh, it's you, Monty.
You're the one that
brought her, huh?
Yes, I brought her.
I also brought this.
I knew you'd want it.
Want it? Want it?!
Hey.
Why don't you
present it to them now?
Oh, I'll give it to
them in the barracks.
- Them?
- Yeah.
I mean Honergan.
You told me the welfare
fund was for the member
of the platoon who needs it.
Needs it? Who needs it?
Well, thanks to you,
one of the platoon is
about to be married.
They'll need furniture, rugs,
a TV set for their new home.
If the Platoon Welfare Fund
isn't for that, what is it for?
Bilko, this isn't a
gambling stake, is it?
No.
What? What? What?
Here, Honergan.
For you and the little
lady, from the platoon.
There's a lot of money there.
Oh, Sergeant, you're wonderful.
- Sweet.
- Bilko.
Well, what are you
looking at me? What?!
At least we won, didn't we?
Now we're not in debt.
Yeah, we're not in debt.
Sergeant Bilko, the check.
Check? What check?
$65.88? What...?
And remember the rules.
The winner pays the check.
It's been a pleasure.
The check.
Ten... tion!
Which way is your kitchen?
Roll up your sleeves.
KP.
About... face!
Hey! Hut! Hut!
Two, three, four, five.
You'll have clean
dishes for a year.
Let's get out of here.
The Stomach was
played by Fred Gwynne,
Henderson by Bern Hoffman,
Sergeant Allan by
Murray Hamilton.
I couldn't keep up with it.
- 68 to nothing.
- 68 to nothing.
You'd think they'd at least
give us one point for showing up.
What was wrong with
you guys out there,
after all the
coaching I gave you?!
There was something
big happening out there!
Something more important than
just the morale of Company "B"
or to prove that the American
soldier fights to the end.
We had money on this game!
75 bucks of the
platoon's welfare fund
was fumbled away this afternoon.
And we do mean fumbled.
And, you, next time we choose
one of your cooks
to play quarterback,
make sure he washes
the butter off his hands.
Now it's my fault, huh?
My kitchen platoon lost
90 bucks on that game
you said was in the bag.
All right, all right.
And on top of that, Zalinka,
my best doughnut man,
gets a broken finger.
68 to nothing!
Ten fingers and it's got to be
the one he makes the holes with.
All right, all right, come on!
Things are bad all over.
All right, men, wash up.
Gee...
I know Uncle Sam needs
men, but not as badly as I do.
What are we
knocking ourselves out
trying to beat that Company "A"?
Football, basketball,
soccer, softball...
We keep betting them,
they keep taking our money.
The Army says athletics
is good for our morale.
I got a kitchen full of cooks
ready for mass suicide.
Look, Sowici, if you want to
cry, go to your own barracks.
We got work to do around here.
Rocco, aren't you supposed
to get those duty rosters out?
Or maybe you got a
secretary handling it for you.
Yo.
60 bucks from my supply platoon.
And we lost 75.
All right, stop beefing.
I'll get the money back somehow.
- Come on.
- It's just that Company "A,"
they get all the breaks
and the new transfers.
Each guy they get is bigger
and tougher than the next one.
What we need around
here is some new talent.
Some guys with,
with athletic ability.
Some guys who... Who are you?
Uh, Sergeant Bilko?
I'm Sergeant Bilko.
Who are you?
Uh, Honergan.
Ed-Ed Honergan.
I've been transferred
to your motor pool
platoon from Camp Dixon.
I'm a, uh, mechanic.
Uh, specialist rating.
Camp Dixon, huh?
Got some pretty good
teams up there, huh, pal?
What do you do?
Uh, I've worked on
half-tracks, engine and body.
- I've done a little of the...
- Listen, uh, play any football?
Football? You play any football?
No.
Oh, saving yourself
for basketball, huh?
- Big guy.
- I've done a lot of
valve and piston
repair, transmission, uh...
How about, uh, baseball?
A little baseball? Huh?
No.
- Soccer? Play any soccer?
- I do...
No soccer.
I do diesel engine overhauls.
Uh, carburetor, trans...
How about, uh, baseball?
Softball?
I have some exper... Water polo?
Any skiing?
How are you at tiddlywinks?
Gee, I'm-I'm-I'm sorry, Sarge.
I've-I've never gone in
for any kind of games.
I guess I'm just a soldier.
That's the last thing I need
in this outfit is a soldier.
Let me look.
Okay, Honergan.
- Here, Henshaw.
- Yo.
I'm putting him
on motor rebuilds.
Take him inside and brief him.
- Right.
- Welcome aboard, Corporal.
- This way, Honergan.
- Hey, Rocco, look alive!
I'm coming.
Oh, excuse me.
Hey!
Ain't, ain't you Ed Honergan?
That's right, yeah.
Gee, I-I never thought I'd
get to meet you in person.
I... I won $50 on you
that time in Okinawa.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
Uh, uh, excuse me.
Who would believe it?
Ed Honergan in our platoon.
Hey, Roc, who is that guy?
You mean, for real,
you don't know?
Who is he?!
Honergan! Ed Honergan!
Here we go.
Who's Ed Honergan?!
You mean, for real,
you don't know, Sarge?
Gee, weren't you
in the South Pacific?
Oh, we're back to playing
stop the clock again.
Who is he?!
I thought everybody knew him.
He's, he's the Stomach.
Stomach?
The Stomach.
I knew he looked familiar!
The Stomach in our company!
- Wow!
- Oh, boy!
We got the Stomach
in... Who's the Stomach?!
The-The Stomach!
The-The eating champion
of the United States Army.
Eating champion?
Mr. Appetite himself.
You remember during the war,
we used to have
them eating contests?
Every division had its champ.
The Stomach could take 'em all.
Hey, remember the championship
finals at Kwajalein Island?
Boy, wait till my boys find out
who they'll be cooking
for from now on.
Here, what's the
matter, you crazy?
Don't mention a word about this.
Keep this under your hat until
we're ready to make our move.
What move?
Well, correct me if I'm wrong,
but hasn't it been
said that Company "A"
has a guy that they
think is quite an eater?
Yeah, that supply
sergeant, Hog Henderson.
Oh, he's the, he's the best
knife and fork
man in the division.
Unless I'm mistaken,
from time to time,
don't they like to bet on him?
Yeah, but we never had nobody
that could compare
with him when the...
Ernie!
Ah, the sun is starting to
peek through the clouds.
An eating contest?
Yeah, you know how
the guys in my outfit are.
They'll bet on anything.
They figure on man-to-man
betting, maybe we got a chance.
Oh, sure, sure.
Anything to accommodate you.
Uh, how much you putting up?
Well, I got $70 out
of our welfare fund.
And here's 55 from
my kitchen platoon
and 60 from Signal Corps.
50 from supply.
235 bucks.
You boys must think you
got quite an eater over there.
Oh, I don't know, some
joker, he thinks he's a glutton.
- What's his name?
- I forget.
- Some little guy.
- Thin.
Yeah, little, thin fella.
Well, there you are.
You got yourself a bet.
We, uh, we hold the
bet in standard procedure
according to the inter-platoon
betting regulations.
Check.
Uh, here, here.
Wriggle, wriggle, wriggle.
All right.
Zimmerman, take this
down to the machine shop
and have it welded.
Then, uh, then give it to
the chaplain to hold for us.
Yes, sir.
- Rocco!
- I'm right behind him.
Uh, Zimmerman.
Have that sergeant
step in here, please.
Yes, sir.
Well, like they say at
Madison Square Garden,
"May the best man
emerge victorious."
Huh?! All right?!
Bilko, you disappoint me, boy.
Disappoint you?
Yeah, for the sharpest
operator on the post,
you sure pulled a boo-boo.
What you talking about, boy?
For a guy who's supposed to know
everything about
everything on this post,
you seem to have forgotten,
we got a pretty good knife
and fork man in our outfit, too.
Come in.
Men, I want you to meet
Sergeant Henderson.
Hi, I... Hog Henderson?!
You told me he was transferred!
Somebody told me.
Oh, we haven't got a chance!
Oh, give us a bre... give
us at least three-to-one odds.
Not a chance.
Wait till the area
hears about this.
Bilko matching some Company
"B" meatball against the Hog.
Hog Henderson, champion
eater of the Canal Zone
three years running, title
holder in the Philippines.
And get this...
At Kwajalein, in
the inter-zone finals
for the world's championship,
he came in third to the Stomach.
The Stomach!
Take your hats off when
you mention that name.
He was the greatest.
Gee whiz. Allan,
give us a break.
Give us at least
two-to-one odds!
Not a chance.
We'll drop by later to discuss
the details of the contest.
That is, if you can
call it a contest.
Ah, give us a break,
will you, Allan?!
Have mercy! Mercy!
What am I gonna tell my...?!
You mean, one guy's
gonna eat all that?
Are you kidding?
For the Stomach,
this is just a snack.
I tell you, we got
the champ in there.
Would I be risking
the entire welfare fund
if this wasn't a sure thing?
Sure thing. Everything
is a sure thing
with this outfit until we lose.
They say this Hog
Henderson is murder
with the meat and potatoes.
Hog Henderson... is he kidding?
Henderson is a canary
compared to the...
Tell 'em, Rocco.
One day in Kwajalein,
with my own eyes,
I seen him put
away nine chickens,
five pounds of potatoes, a
bushel of carrots and peas
19 corns and eight pies
and he wasn't
even breathing hard.
Hey, welcome, welcome, Corporal.
Your chair, monsieur.
Say, say, what's...
what's-what's all this?
Oh, it's just a
tradition of the platoon.
A new member always gets
his first meal served here.
Won't you?
Say, that looks great.
Boy, let me at that food.
Stand back.
You want to be eaten?
Boy, yum.
Yum. Steak.
I'm-I'm hungry.
He's hungry.
I-I missed my
lunch on the train.
He missed his lunch.
I told you, you haven't
got enough food here.
I've got more in the jeep.
Look at that forehand.
Isn't that a thing of
beauty? Look at that.
Say-Say, aren't you fellas
going down to the mess hall?
No, no, don't mind us.
This is a privilege
to just stand here
and just watch you.
That just hit the spot.
What's the matter, something
wrong with the steak?
No, it was terrific.
Oh, I get it, see...
he smokes in
between bites, right?
No, I'm-I'm-I'm full.
Say-Say... thanks
an awful lot, fellas.
Thanks an awful lot.
Hey, I wonder what's playing
at the post movie tonight.
Movie? Eddie, baby,
we haven't finished
the Batman yet.
You bet money on that guy?!
There's got to
be an explanation.
Hey, where you going?
He wants some bicarbonate.
Claims he ate too much.
Hold it.
Hey, Eddie boy.
I hope you're feeling better.
Oh, sure thing, yeah.
Sit down, sit down.
Oh, say, say, you
sure make a guy
feel at home in this outfit.
Well, that's what
I'm here for...
To give the boys a
home away from home.
Yeah.
You know something, Ed?
The boys were telling me
when you were overseas
you had a nickname.
What was it again?
- Oh...
- The Kidney, The Liver, what...?
Oh, uh, uh, they used
to call me the Stomach.
That's it, the Stomach, yeah.
That wa... that was because
I was a real heavy eater.
Uh, in-in-in fact, I
used to win contests.
Contests, huh?
Yeah, but let's not
talk about that. Gee...
No, no, no, let's talk about it.
I want to know
all about my boys.
Well, uh, when I was overseas,
I had a-a girl back
home I was crazy about.
Uh, then one day, I
got one of those letters...
- Uh...
- Oh, yeah, "Dear John, I found another...
Stanley is his name."
I know the letters, yes.
She found somebody
else, and I was miserable.
It seems misery has a
funny reaction with me.
It makes me hungry.
The more miserable I
got, the hungrier I got.
Pretty soon, uh...
I-I-I started eating.
I-I mean eating.
Pretty soon, the only place I
could get enough food to eat
was in contests.
And before I knew
it, I was so miserable,
I was the champion
eater of the whole Army.
Champion, huh?
Terrible, isn't it?
Yeah, it's awful. Go
on, tell me more about it.
Uh, I was compensating,
uh... Compensating?
Yeah, th-that's what
Captain Lazarus said.
Captain Lazarus?
Yeah, he was the
Army psychiatrist
that straightened me out.
That dirty... That's
nice. I'm glad he...
I'm glad he got to you, 'cause
I know I guy can be helped.
A-A-A-All I had to do was get
my mind off her... forget her.
Today, I don't want to
remember her name,
what she looked like
or anything about her.
And you see before you
a happy man, Sergeant.
Very good. You stay that way.
I'll have Henshaw
bring you a bicarbonate.
Just take it easy.
I'll be right back.
Is he really the Stomach?
He's the Stomach, all right...
Only with a complication.
It seems when he was overseas,
the only time he wanted food
was when he was miserable.
Overseas... That
made me miserable.
All right, all right! What?
Are you starting with jokes?
We got to find out a way, a
way to remind him of his girl
so he'll be so miserable
that he'll start...
Hey, when we were overseas,
what was it that
reminded us of our girl?
- Another girl.
- Aw, come on.
I know. There was always
one thing that kept us together,
even though we were miles apart.
A song. The song.
Always a song.
We used to call it... our song.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Emma!
See? See? That's
what we got to find out.
We got to find out the song
that reminds him of his gi...
- Gomez, here!
- Yeah?
Go to every service club...
Get me every phonograph record
that was a hit
between 1942 and 1945
when the Stomach was overseas.
Oh, boy, those
jokes are really great.
I love that one, what is it?
Why does a fireman wear red?
I-I-I-I got another
one you'll all like.
He's got another
one. Get the record.
- Huh?
- The record!
Oh, how about some records?
Oh, we don't want 'em now.
Eddie's got some jokes to tell.
- Uh, uh, records?
- You don't mind, do you?
You see, once a week
we like to play records
for old time's sake.
Oh, sure, sure, go right
ahead. I'd love to hear 'em.
We old warriors do get
sentimental, don't we?
Sure.
Oh... memories.
What memories.
♪ I got my Tootie ♪
♪ And then she goes out... ♪
I don't like this
one... It's too jazzy.
Oh, this one'll
tear your heart out.
♪ ...Long time ♪
♪ Hi, good-bye and little one ♪
♪ And I got of the wonder... ♪
I don't like that.
It's too frivolous.
♪ I'll walk alone ♪
♪ Because, to
tell you the truth ♪
♪ I'll be lonely ♪
♪ I don't mind ♪
♪ Being lonely ♪
♪ When my heart tells me ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ Are lonely, too ♪
♪ I'll walk alone ♪
♪ They'll ask me why ♪
♪ And I'll tell them ♪
♪ I'd rath... ♪
Where you going, Eddie?
Uh, to the PX.
I want to get something to eat.
♪ I'll walk alone ♪
♪ Because, to
tell you the truth ♪
♪ I'll be lonely ♪
♪ I don't mind being lonely ♪
♪ When my heart tells me ♪
♪ You are lonely, too ♪
♪ I'll walk alone ♪
♪ They'll ask me why ♪
♪ And I'll tell them ♪
♪ I'd rather... ♪
Okay, take a break.
You're on.
Hensh... where... Henshaw!
What are you doing here
alone? Where's the Stomach?
Aw, gee, Sarge, the poor
guy was so miserable.
He was miserable, huh?
Yeah, moanin' and sniffin'.
I couldn't take it any longer.
I told him to have a good,
long talk with the chaplain.
Good... The chaplain?!
Well... Maybe it's not too late!
It's too late.
Hiya, Padre.
Hello, Bilko.
Let's try to brighten
up that corner, huh?
Uh, uh, uh, don't worry, Padre,
that-that talk with
you was all I needed.
Thanks.
- Awful nice guy, Bilko.
- Yeah, yeah, he is.
He was telling me you've
been wonderful to him.
Oh, you know what I mean, Padre,
just showing him the
hospitality of the barracks.
Yes, he's happy
now, but it won't last.
It won't?!
It won't? It won't?
He's too much in
love with that girl.
He told me all about her.
She lives in Tulsa.
But he was hurt so
much when she...
Well, I wish I could do
something, but what?
Well, wha-what can
you, you know...?
Good night, Padre.
Oh. By the way,
that cash box has been
in my office a week now.
I wouldn't by any chance
be holding a gambling
stake again, would I?
Gambling?
Gee whiz, Padre,
why do... Gambling?
Mm, that's our welfare fund.
You know, in case somebody
in the platoon gets in trouble
and needs a little hel...
Gambling? I mean, really, Padre.
Bilko, gambler or not, the
odds on you getting into Heaven
are getting bigger every day.
- So long, Padre.
- Good night, Padre.
Uh, so long, Padre.
- Gee, wonderful guy.
- He sure is.
How do you feel?
Oh, say, say, say,
- I got a couple new jokes to tell you.
- Jokes?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, let's hear some jokes.
Oh, wait'll you hear this one.
- This is...
- I know it'll be great. I love jokes.
Hold it. This is a
job for an expert.
This calls for a real louse.
Ah, Eddie!
Glad to see you feeling better.
Oh, oh, oh, sure.
You got enough to read?
Oh, yeah. Say, say,
imagine me mooning over a
girl I-I haven't seen in ten years.
Silliest thing I ever heard.
Yeah.
I mean, I mean, girls
are like streetcars.
There'll be another one
along any minute, right?
I mean, they're...
they're... they're all alike,
and-and Hazel
was like all of 'em.
You need her like you
need another head, right?
Boy! I'm telling
you, I-I don't...
I don't want any
part of her, never.
I don't blame you.
You're through, right?
- Yeah.
- Through. Finished.
Finished.
That's what you
told the chaplain,
and that's what you told me.
But can you tell
it to your heart?
Can you tell your
heart you're through?
No.
Well, well, if it isn't the
suckers from Company "B."
Well, Bilko, where's your boy?
He'll be along... I think he
stopped in the coffee shop
for a little snack.
- Henshaw!
- Yo!
- Got our man here?
- Right here, Sarge.
Fellas, I'd like you to meet...
It's... it's Ed Honergan,
the Stomach!
The Stomach?
Bet's off! You
brought in a ringer!
Hold the phone,
pal. It's all legitimate.
Here's his name
right on the roster.
"Edwin C. Honergan."
Gosh, it's really him!
- Hello, Hog.
- He remembered my name.
He remembered my name!
Will you pull yourself together?
You're eating against him!
Yes, sir!
A banquet. How many
will be in the room?
There'll be 50 of us.
Just a minute.
- Here's the menu we want.
- Oh...
Yes. Thank you.
Ah, "Ten dozen oysters..."
Uh, with, uh,
plenty of crackers.
"Five gallons of soup..."
Uh, maybe a little
light consommé.
Uh, cream of tomato
with lots of croutons.
"12 chickens, three
bushel of salad,
14 steaks, six pies..."
Uh, with-with cheese.
Yes. Well, now,
that'll be service for 50.
Hold it, hold it.
Service for two.
I... beg your pardon?
Two. Two.
Toi, moi... Two.
Ready?
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Go, go, go!
- No.
- Ah, come on... I had it.
Take everything
away. The winner!
Wait just a minute.
Not until he finishes
that last piece of cheese.
Okay, go after it, Stomach.
Come on, champ. Show 'em.
Edwin!
- Hazel!
- Oh!
Wait just a minute.
Madam, just a minute.
- When the chaplain phoned, I flew!
- This is a stag party.
- Oh, honey, you look so wonderful!
- But I...
But I.. But I can't
eat the cheese. I'm...
- For men only.
- I didn't mean that letter I wrote to you.
Eat the cheese! Will you stop
- screaming in my ear?!
- Oh, Edwin, you look marvelous.
- You look simply wonderful!
- Eat the cheese, will you?!
I'm not miserable
anymore. Isn't she beautiful?
Will you please eat the cheese?
- Isn't she beautiful?
- The cheese.
- Will you please go away?
- Oh. Oh. Oh.
- Eat the cheese. The cheese!
- Oh, Edwin.
Eat... Ah!
He did it!
That's it, Sarge!
Oh, it's you, Monty.
You're the one that
brought her, huh?
Yes, I brought her.
I also brought this.
I knew you'd want it.
Want it? Want it?!
Hey.
Why don't you
present it to them now?
Oh, I'll give it to
them in the barracks.
- Them?
- Yeah.
I mean Honergan.
You told me the welfare
fund was for the member
of the platoon who needs it.
Needs it? Who needs it?
Well, thanks to you,
one of the platoon is
about to be married.
They'll need furniture, rugs,
a TV set for their new home.
If the Platoon Welfare Fund
isn't for that, what is it for?
Bilko, this isn't a
gambling stake, is it?
No.
What? What? What?
Here, Honergan.
For you and the little
lady, from the platoon.
There's a lot of money there.
Oh, Sergeant, you're wonderful.
- Sweet.
- Bilko.
Well, what are you
looking at me? What?!
At least we won, didn't we?
Now we're not in debt.
Yeah, we're not in debt.
Sergeant Bilko, the check.
Check? What check?
$65.88? What...?
And remember the rules.
The winner pays the check.
It's been a pleasure.
The check.
Ten... tion!
Which way is your kitchen?
Roll up your sleeves.
KP.
About... face!
Hey! Hut! Hut!
Two, three, four, five.
You'll have clean
dishes for a year.
Let's get out of here.
The Stomach was
played by Fred Gwynne,
Henderson by Bern Hoffman,
Sergeant Allan by
Murray Hamilton.