The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 1, Episode 8 - Mardi Gras - full transcript

The platoon's preparations for the Mardi Gras progress with Private Doberman being declared King. He selects local socialite Joy Landers to be his queen. She rejects the offer and her derision of the soldiers infuriates Bilko to the point he cooks up a plan to publicly humiliate the woman in front of her peers

Let's see how you're
coming along with that float!

Everybody in position!

Let me see. Hold that sign up.

"The Spirit of Company
'B."" Oh, it's a grabber.

Gets right in here.

Who are you, Fleischman?

I'm Integrity.

I'm Integrity.
You're Fraternity.

I'm Fraternity, Sarge. I mean...

All right, all right, all right,

we'll straighten
that all out later.



Just keep on the float.

Who are you, Paparelli?

I'm Vigilance.

Let me see... we got Fraternity,
Vigilance, Fellowship...

One missing.

Purity.

All right, I need volunteers.

Who wants to be Purity? Freeze.

Freeze, you grease monkeys.

All right, the last chance.

Who wants to be Purity?!

Well, at least they're honest.

Here, Sarge.

All right.



Gentlemen, this is the moment

we've been
waiting for all year...

The lucky drawing to find who
will be King of the Mardi Gras.

Put in your dog tags.

All right, men, you know when
you're King of the Mardi Gras,

you know what goes with it.

You're regal. You're royal.

You ride in the colonel's car.

The colonel may be driving.

When you get to the ball,

your train is carried by
four MPs in tights, no less.

Okay, Sarge.

This is it.

We want to be fair.

Shake it up good.

I'll do the drawing.
Get me a blindfold.

Never mind. Just take
off your glasses, Sarge.

All right, all right, all right.

All right, here we go, men.

Here we... All right.

Gentlemen, this is the moment
we've all been waiting for.

We will soon see
who will reign supreme

as King Rex of the Mardi Gras.

And the lucky man is... Eh...

Gentlemen, get
a grip on yourself.

King Rex of the
Motor Pool Mardi Gras

is none other than...
His Royal Highness

Duane Doberman.

All right, he got it!

He's king.

But Sarge, I can't be no king.

What do you mean
you... he can't be?

- He'll be great.
- Sure.

Gosh, look at you.
You're royal. You're regal.

You're a small Farouk.

Take His Majesty's grease gun

and put it in His
Highness's locker.

And now, Your Majesty,

we breathlessly await
your first command.

Who, sir, shall
be the lucky lady

who will reign as your queen?

Come on. Come on,
Doberman. Who's the lucky girl?

Girl?! Sarge!

Well, His Royal Highness
is a bundle of nerves.

We, your loyal subjects,
will pick the queen for you.

And now, Your Majesty, go
and get washed up, all right?

Get over to the welding shop

and get fitted for the crown,
on the double. Hee-yup!

And we got to find
the queen. Henshaw...

Hey, look what I found
in Doberman's locker.

- What do you got, Gander?
- Wait till you see...

Come on. Come on.

Those are Doberman's
personal papers. Put 'em back.

Sarge, you're gonna flip. Look.

He's cut out newspaper clippings
and pasted them in this book.

- All about Joy Landers.
- Oh, no.

- Joy Landers?
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

- "Richest Girl in Society"?
- Quiet!

"Joy Landers at the Hunt Meet."

"Joy Landers
Returns from Paris."

Here we thought all the time

Doberman was not
interested in girls.

We have found
ourselves the queen.

- Joy Landers?
- With Doberman?

- Yes. Yes. All right.
- Impossible.

Quiet!

I know this is just
Doberman's dream,

but this year, Doberman is king.

This year, dreams come true.

True? Rocco.

Yo.

As head of the Coronation
Committee, you will proceed

at once to the home
of Miss Joy Landers,

who doesn't know
Doberman even exists,

but you as the head

of the Coronation
Committee will inform her.

By royal command, His
Highness, King Doberman the First,

has commanded her to be Queen
of the Motor Pool Mardi Gras.

Right. Coronation
Committee, come on.

- Move!
- Yo.

- Okay.
- Here comes Doberman.

All right, quiet about this.

Don't let him know
we know his secret.

If he does, he'll desert.

Act nonchalant.

Your Majesty.

Aw, Sarge, forget about it.

Forget about it?

Just when we have found a queen

that is panting to
share your throne?

- Queen? A girl?!
- Yeah.

No. A chipmunk.

Of course, a girl.

You lucky dog.

Why didn't you tell us?

Why have you
kept us in the dark?

- Tell you what?
- You know.

You know there's
a girl in Roseville

who's been worshipping
you from afar.

Me?

Yes. Asking questions
about you, who you are,

driving up to the camp, trying
to get a sneak look at you.

Oh, you lucky dog.

Come on, be big, Your Highness.

Give her a break.

We have decided she
shall be your queen.

Who is she?

- Joy Landers.
- Joy...

Grab him. Grab him.

Your Highness, hail.

- Miss Landers will be here any moment.
- Thank you, Kevin.

Now, with those Paris
dresses she brought back,

the rest of us are
gonna look like rags.

Well, didn't we always,
alongside of Joy?

Now, girls, don't be jealous.

A whole month in Paris.

I wonder what it's like
to get anything you want.

Boring, my dear
Lisa, most boring.

- Joy.
- Hi, Joy.

- Darling, you look ravishing.
- Welcome. Welcome.

Thank you.

How does it feel to be
back home in Kansas?

Oh, please. I may be ill.

Now, Joy.

Well, really.

After the Champs-Elysées,

Moulin Rouge, Montmartre.

Roseville, Kansas?

Why, we're the only
country club west of Wichita

that has a fox hunt.

Oh, please. It's
not you, mes amis.

I just love the country
club. You know that.

After all, Dad started it.

It's just that, well,
we're a small island

in an ocean of
yokels, that's all.

Miss Landers?

Yes, Kevin.

There are some
soldiers to see you.

Soldiers?

Mm-hmm.

Soldiers. Soldiers.

Oh, I know.

It must be those
Brazilian cadets

that I met on the boat.

Wait till you see them mambo.

They're absolute heaven.

Why, they're the cutest...

Miss Joy Landers?

I beg your pardon.

What's the matter?
Did you do something?

Read the scroll there.

"On behalf of the men of the
third platoon, Company 'B, '

"you have hereby been selected
by King Rex Duane Doberman

as Queen of our
Motor Pool Mardi Gras."

Okay.

Long live the queen!

Are you really serious?

She can't believe it.

Really, Miss Landers, it's true.

You made it.

I made it?

I made it. My
crowning achievement.

Queen of a motor pool.

With this crown, I...

Oh, really, please. I
can't possibly make it.

You-You can't?

Now, look, why don't you
boys just help yourself to a drink

and then go on back to camp?

I'm sure there's some
nice shop girl in town

who'd be very happy
to be your queen.

But we-we selected you.

It's gonna be
real nice this year.

You get to ride in
the colonel's staff car.

He-He put in new seat covers.

New seat covers.

Queen of the Motor Pool.

But Miss Landers...

Miss Landers, you don't
understand... you see...

I think she does. Let's go.

Hello. Hi.

It's-It's just the
funniest thing.

What's the trouble, men?

Say, what is this, Joy?

Oh, Father, you
missed it. You missed it.

They wanted me to be
Queen of the Motor Pool.

Oh, but Joy, they
meant it as an honor.

Oh, of course it's an honor.

This may be my big
chance to become...

Miss Grease Pit.

Oh, shame on you.

Doberman, I don't
understand you.

You got eight campaign
ribbons, you got two battle stars.

It comes to meet a
girl, you fall apart on me.

Now, pull yourself
together. Come on.

We're gonna try it once more.

Now, Miss Joy Landers
is here to meet you.

After all, you have appointed
her your queen, right?

And you, as the king... it is
your duty to make her welcome.

Now, go and greet her.

Go like a king, with
your head erect!

Royal! Go.

Doberman. Now, go on.

This isn't gonna
hurt. You're a king.

- Walk. Walk. Closer.
- Come on.

Attaboy.

- Closer.
- Attaboy, King.

Well, if it isn't
Duane Doberman.

Grab him! Grab him!

I can't go through
with it, Sarge.

What is the big deal here?

What is...? Look, you're
just two human beings.

By some freak of nature,
she happens to be a girl.

But Sarge, I don't know
what to do around girls.

I'm scared.

It's really not his fault.

It's the Army's fault.

They give us the wrong
basic training, that's all it is.

Now, look, I'll
explain it to you again.

She's a girl.

It's nothing. It's very simple.

When you meet a girl,

and there's nothing
better to do, you talk.

What'll I talk about?

Well, she just
returned from Paris.

Talk about Paris.

You've been to Paris.

Tell her what you saw in Paris.

What did I see? I
was in a Sherman tank.

What am I gonna do?

You see what I'm up against?

Look, relax.
You're still the king.

Bear that in mind.
You're the king.

Go and meet her. Go.

Come on. Come on.

Hold your head up. Now, come on.

Well, if it isn't
Duane Doberman.

Go ahead. Go ahead!

Hello.

- He... He did it!
- Did you hear him?

Did you hear the
way he said, "Hello"?

Oh, that poor girl, she's
gonna melt when she meets...

Ah, the guys are
back. Everything all set?

Did you arrange
where to pick her up?

Did you take the pictures?

What is this? What's
with the droopy faces?

Oh, the crown didn't fit.

We'll get it rewelded.
It's very simple.

She turned us down.

Oh, you're kidding.

She turned you down?

Joy Landers turned down a chance

to get her pictures
in the paper?

Maybe she didn't understand.

She understood, all right.

Well, what is this?

What is this trauma
that's going on here?

Maybe she had
another appointment.

We'll get another
queen. That's all.

No. No, that ain't it, Sarge.

She... She laughed at us.

She laughed at you?

Right in our faces.

Because you offered
her to be the queen

of the Motor Pool Mardi
Gras, she laughed at you?

You'd have flipped, Sarge.

As we were walking
out, we heard her say,

she didn't want to be
queen of the grease pit.

"Get yourself a shop girl."

She laughed at you?

Sarge, we made a mistake.

We made a mistake?

She made a mistake.

Nobody laughs at my platoon.

Sarge, forget it.

- Too bad, Doberman.
- No, no.

Just when he
learned to say "Hello."

There's something wrong here.

Something's all cockeyed here.

Doberman is the king.

He selected her as his queen.

It's up to him to turn her down.

Ah, Sarge, Doberman
turning down Joy Landers?

Yeah. She's gonna know
how it feels to be laughed at.

But Doberman turning down...?

Yes, Doberman.

She's gonna pant for Doberman.

When I get through with her,
she's gonna want Doberman more

than any woman has
ever wanted any other man.

Sarge, Doberman?

This may be the crowning
achievement of my career.

Give me my hat.

Where you going, Sarge?

I'm on my way to
have a short talk

with Miss Joy Landers.

I want to meet
Miss Laughing Girl.

Yes, Roddy, I'll go. Same time.

Same time, same
place, same faces.

There's a Sergeant Bilko
to see you, Miss Landers.

Bilko?

He says it's very urgent.

- Oh, tell him I can't...
- Mm-hmm.

Possibly see anyone.

Miss Landers, I
hope I'm not too late.

Too late?

Did some members of
my platoon come here,

without any authority from
me or any of my knowledge,

to, uh, offer you
to be the queen

of some ridiculous
affair they're running?

Oh, why, yes.

Oh, heavens, I am too late.

Miss Landers, turn them down.

What are you talking about?

Oh, please. Those poor souls.

They didn't know
what they were doing.

They made Doberman
King of the Mardi Gras

without his knowledge.

You can't blame the poor
souls in their drab Army lives

when this international
figure comes in their midst.

Well, naturally, they
wanted to show off,

not realizing that
Doberman went into the Army

for the sole purpose
of getting away

from this relentless
pursuit of women.

Duane who?

Oh, please, let
the poor man alone.

Leave him alone.

Respect his desire just to
be an anonymous soldier,

and not Duane Doberman
of Paris, the Riviera.

That unfortunate suicide
attempt by that beautiful countess,

that chase across four
continents by Lollobrigida...

Please, please leave him alone!

Duane who?

I plead with you...
Leave him alone!

Just for that momentary
flash of international flame

that this will give you,

please don't turn our
sleepy, wonderful little town

into a bedlam of
newsreel cameras,

newsreel men, reporters,
souvenir hunters, I...

Duane who?

Please, please, I beg you,
as an old Army sergeant,

please don't turn our Army camp

into a rendezvous for
women of all nations,

driving us mad
with their activity.

Please, please...
It is not too late.

I beg you, turn it down.

Refuse to be Queen
of the Mardi Gras.

I already did.

You see, if you turn it
down, we can have...

I beg your pardon?

I already refused the title
of Queen of the Mardi Gras.

Miss Landers, are
you trying to tell me

that you actually turned
down the opportunity

of having your name coupled
with Duane Doberman?

Well, yes. Of course,
I didn't realize...

Miss Landers, I...

Forgive... Forgive this outburst
of emotion, Miss Landers, but...

you see, I had thought
that old-fashioned decency

and courage was disappearing
in the American woman.

Duane who?

You're a big woman,
Miss Landers,

a big woman to realize that

consorting with
the international set,

those endless
rounds of nightclubs

with Princess Margaret,
the flights to all parts

of the world in
Doberman's plane,

those endless parties of
Elsa's, it's not the life for you.

This is where you belong...
Quiet, unassuming...

Sergeant Bilko,
will you kindly...

Mr. Rodney Pines.

- But Joy...
- Roddy, please, I'm busy!

- Duane who?!
- No, don't mind me. I-I was just going.

You're a brave
girl, Miss Landers.

Is this your gentleman
friend? Oh, he's fine.

Comforting, very slow...
Good; good type for you.

We've planned an
exciting evening.

We're having a Chinese
dinner, and we're going

to that new roadhouse,
the Club Caribbean.

Oh, how sweet.

Chinese dinner?
The Club Caribbean?

Lovely. You have chosen
the right path, my dear.

- Mm?
- Joy!

Roddy, please! Not now!

Am I interrupting?

No, no, I just sunk
the first harpoon.

She'll be... Oh, excuse me.

I'm sorry.
Everything is fine, sir.

Well, Sergeant Bilko, I
want to apologize to you

for my daughter's
despicable conduct

in front of your men.

- She needs a good lesson.
- A lesson, sir?

Yes, you see, I had
to bring her up alone.

She's spoiled.

Everything she's ever
wanted, she's gotten.

Oh, really?

Well, there's something
she wants, right now,

more than anything she's
ever wanted in her life,

but she ain't gonna get it.

- What?
- Doberman.

Doberman?

Paparelli, you get down
to the Chinese restaurant.

Chung knows what
this is all about.

Here are some Chinese
fortune cookies...

He knows what to do with them.

I promised him ten
tickets to the Mardi Gras

if everything went
off on schedule.

On the double! Yo-ho!

What is it, Chung?

- Chinese fortune cookies.
- We didn't order any.

It's on the house, Miss Landers.

Well! On the house!

Let's see what my fortune
holds in store for me.

- Read it out loud.
- Seems to be empty.

- Tell us all.
- Try another one.

- It's very unusual they're giving us...
- There we are.

- Ah...
- Let's see what it says.

"It is better to have..."

What is it?

"It is better to have
loved a Doberman and lost

than never to have
had Doberman at all."

There, you got it all set?

You, get over to
the Club Caribbean.

The owner knows what to do;
he's got the costumes for you.

- You got everything else?
- Check.

- You get the straw hats.
- I'll get the ukulele.

- Come on, let's go.
- On the double, on the double!

Paparelli! You go down
to the Chinese restaurant,

pick up Paparelli, get
over to the Club Caribbean.

You know what to
do. You're guests!

But stay under the minimum.

- Check.
- All right? Move!

And now the Club Caribbean
presents for the first time

the authentic Calypso songs
of the West Indian Boys.

Here they are.

Oh, Roddy! They're pathetic!

- Get the check!
- Waiter, check!

♪ In Trinidad, where
we come from ♪

♪ We hear of lovers one by one ♪

♪ Rubirosa and Ali Khan ♪

♪ But the greatest
one is Doberman ♪

♪ Doberman, Doberman ♪

♪ The greatest one is Doberman ♪

♪ Doberman, Doberman ♪

♪ The greatest one is Doberman ♪

♪ From Rome to
Paris to Venezuela ♪

♪ He was chased
by Lollobrigida ♪

♪ Princess Margaret
don't want a throne ♪

♪ All she want is Doberman ♪

♪ Doberman, Doberman ♪

♪ All she want is Doberman ♪

♪ Doberman, Doberman ♪

♪ All she want is Doberman ♪

♪ There'll be
newsreel pictures ♪

♪ And worldwide
fame to the girl ♪

♪ Who capture the
fascinating Duane ♪

♪ Women weep and are forlorn ♪

♪ Oh, where, oh, where ♪

♪ Has Doberman gone? ♪

♪ Doberman, Doberman ♪

♪ Where, oh, where,
has Doberman gone? ♪

Magnificent! Simply magnificent!

Say, let's go down to
the Paradise Bar and Grill.

I hear that Bilko's
men hang out there.

Yeah, I hear everyone's
going to be there.

Well, let's all go
to the country club

for a little nightcap, shall we?

Say, I have a good idea.

Why don't we go to the
Paradise Bar and Grill?

I've never been there.

Really, Joy! They
call it the Snake Pit!

That's where those soldiers
from Fort Baxter hang out.

Really, you're liable
to meet anybody there.

Anybody?

Let's go!

Joy!

Mildred, you've got to
help us, you've got to.

It's for the platoon.
Your platoon!

Hey, Sarge, I just got a flash
from Rocco on the walkie-talkie.

- They're on their way here now.
- Good deal.

- You know what to do. Scatter. Come on.
- Right.

Mildred, will ya? Is it a deal?

I get four tickets
to the Mardi Gras?

- Right!
- I get to be a lady-in-waiting?

In the Golden Circle!

I get to ride in the pageant?

You're Purity!

What kind of a crack is that?

Just leave it to me.
Will you leave it to me?

Now, look, don't
forget your cue.

When I say, "It's
the quiet life,"

in you come, all right?

Dillingham, I'm depending on...

act like nothing is
happening, right?

Grab him! Grab him!

Let me go! Let me go!

Doberman!

Doberman, what am
I gonna do with you?!

Sarge, I can't
go through with it!

I can't go through with it.

You gotta! You gotta
go through with it.

This is for the pride
of the platoon, with...

Look, get him in the washroom,

keep him there till that
psychological moment

when he comes face
to face with Joy Landers.

I'll die! I'll die!

No, you won't. You'll
be magnificent...

- Your Highness!
- Sarge!

- Sarge, they're here!
- All right, act nonchalant

like soldiers having
fun, you know?

♪ Well, it's hi! hi! hee! ♪

♪ In the field artillery... ♪

Right this way, Miss Landers.

Here's a table, Miss Landers.

Sit right here, Miss Landers.

I'll get a tablecloth,
Miss Landers.

That's Miss Landers.

Joy, are you
looking for someone?

- He must be here!
- He?

Joy, you don't mean there's
some soldier that you're looking for?

Soldier, soldier! You fools!

You just don't know!

Joy Landers running
after a soldier?

Oh, don't be stupid!

Well, Corporal Dillingham,

wasn't it fun drilling today?

- I'd like to see...
- Sergeant Bilko?

Yes? Uh... Miss Landers!

What are you doing
in a place like this?

Sergeant Bilko, I have
to speak to you alone.

- Alone?
- It's about him.

Him? Oh, you said
you'd forget about him!

Sergeant Bilko, I've
changed my mind.

I want to be Queen
of the Mardi Gras.

Oh, but you can't, you can't.

Stay the happy
unknown you are, please!

This is better for
you... The quiet life.

It's much better.

- Oh, but Sergeant, I...
- The quiet life is much...

Where is she? Where is she?

- Where's Joy Landers?!
- Good heavens!

It's the countess!

Stay away from him.

He's mine! He's
mine, I tell you!

Stay away from Doberman!

Who are you?

Please, Countess,

you promised to stay in Vienna.

I can offer him my title,
my castle in Monaco.

What can you give him?

Just your youth and beauty.

Youth and beauty!

Oh, please, Countess,

she has as much right
to him as you have.

- Four tickets to the Mardi Gras?
- You were wonderful, wonderful.

Joy, what's going on?

You know Doberman?

- Can't a girl have any secrets?
- Yes...

Well, Corporal Dillingham,
I hear there's some

new rookies joined the camp.

- Won't that be jolly fun?
- Sergeant Bilko?

All the rookies'll have...

Miss Landers, good
heavens, you're still here!

Sergeant Bilko, I must
speak to you alone.

- Wait for me in the bar, please.
- Joy!

I know what I'm doing!

Sergeant Bilko, I must meet him.

Please, you
promised to forget him.

Sergeant Bilko, I must meet him!

I plead with you, don't fall
into this trap, Miss Landers.

After all, he did select
me as his queen.

- But you can't, you can't.
- Well, don't you think

he ought to see me and
make up his own mind?

Oh, what am I going to do?

Well, I'll see if I can get him.

- Corporal Henshaw?
- Yo.

Will you find Private
Doberman and say will he please

- come in and meet somebody?
- Certainly, Sergeant.

Thank you, Corporal Henshaw.

I want everybody
here when they meet.

Sarge, when she takes a
look at him... well, listen,

Doberman ain't a Cary Grant.

She ain't gonna see Doberman.

She's gonna see a
legend, a castle in the air

built by a master architect,
if I may say so myself.

Oh! Are you gonna
help Corporal Henshaw?

- Certainly will!
- That's splendid!

- Henshaw!
- You fellas are splendid!

- Well, where is he?
- Please, Miss Landers,

I don't even know
if he'll come here.

- Oh, but Sergeant, he...
- Miss... Miss Landers,

you're trembling.

Sergeant... Sergeant,
please tell me,

what does he look like?

What does he look like?

What does Doberman look like?

How? How can I
describe him to you?

But first, you must forget
all your middle-class

conventional ideas of beauty.

You must forget
the tall, blond type,

which is rapidly losing
favor with the Continental set.

Yes, yes.

Go on.

Let me see, describe Doberman.

To describe him, oh, we
must take a leaf from the Orient.

That's what we must do.

We must think... deep...
In the Oriental manner;

they who have mastered
the arts of love and beauty,

as only they can.

Think in your mind's eye:

dark, short,

with that pulse-quickening
plumpness.

A Buddha.

Yes, yes, short and fat.

With his face glistening

as if rubbed with the
mysterious oils of the East.

Swarthy...
greasy, if you will...

but with that inscrutable
air about him...

- Doberman's coming! This way, folks.
- He's here!

- Doberman's here?
- Oh, my dear, have courage.

- He's here? Sergeant, I'm so nervous.
- Have courage.

- Sergeant, please...
- Please, Miss Landers, you must

- pull yourself together.
- Here's Doberman!

Doberman is here.

Please, please hold on
to yourself, Miss Landers.

Private Doberman, I
hate to impose upon you,

but this young lady
insisted upon meeting you.

May I present...

Oh, you don't have to tell me.

He's exactly as
you described him.

He is magnificent.

I hated to impose upon
you, Private Doberman,

but after all, this lady
was to wear your crown,

and I thought you
wouldn't mind meeting her.

This is Miss Joy Landers.

This is the happiest
moment of my life.

Private Doberman, the
lady has spoken to you.

Won't you say something
to her? Say something?

Say it. Say it.

Yes. Say it.

Get lost.

Get lost?!

I warned you. I warned you.

This is what happened.

I tried to, I tried
to alert you.

But... Private Doberman,

you must make me
your queen, you must!

Joy, what is this?
Who is this man?

Who is this man?

Tell him, Sergeant Bilko.

Gladly. Is everybody here?

Yeah! Yeah!

This man is Private Doberman.

Just Private Doberman.

No yachts, no women
chasing after him,

just a nobody
like the rest of us.

A nobody who doesn't
enjoy people laughing at him.

A nobody who now
says... Say it, Doberman.

Get lost.

You thought that
he... It's a trick!

- It's just a rotten...
- Joy!

Here's another clipping for
your scrapbook, Doberman.

"The public spectacle of
Roseville's leading debutante

"flinging herself at
the feet of a soldier

and being rejected..."

- "...not only has the
whole..." All right, all right.

We're still the Army;
we're on the ball...

Gee, Sarge, you was magnificent.

Hey, I heard Joy
Landers left town.

She did? Maybe I
went too far, huh?

Too far? If you would've been
there when she laughed at us...

- Yeah.
- But we had the last laugh.

"I must have Doberman!
I must have Doberman!"

Uh, Miss Landers,
I think I should...

Sergeant Bilko...

Oh, I guess you all
realize by this time

that I was never worthy of
the honor in the first place.

You see, all my life I've
been laughing at people,

and... well, now I suddenly
know what it feels like

to be laughed at.

Miss Landers, maybe we
should apologize to you.

You see, we were a little
upset, and we went a...

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Whoever taught you to hang
Japanese lanterns like that?

- What is it, Miss Landers?
- Now, really...

Sergeant Bilko, I may not
know anything about humility,

but I do know how
to run an affair,

and this is going to be
the biggest Mardi Gras

Roseville has ever seen!

Now, quiet, wait a minute.

Uh, you, go get some flowers.

That jeep needs
a lot more flowers.

And I... You know
what, let's paint it pink.

Go get...

- Ribbons and pins, and...
- Wait a minute.

Platoon, atten-hut!

Now, just a minute, fellas.

Let's think of the Mardi Gras.

After all, we do
need a queen and...

Your Highness, do you
accept this lady as your queen?

Hello.

He said it again!

Long live the queen!

Joy Landers was played
by Constance Ford.

Mr. Landers, Russell Hicks.

Doberman by Maurice Gosfield.

Gander was played
by Tiger Andrews,

and Palmer was
played by P. Jay Sidney.