The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 1, Episode 7 - The Hoodlum - full transcript

Sgt Bilko's attempt to win soldier of the month becomes complicated when he inherits problem child Parker into his platoon. Sgt Bilko begins a complicated scheme to bring Parker around and avoid any trouble. Unfortunately his scheme proves to successful and the final outcome is not what anyone expected

Hey, what's with th-this
cleaning Bilko's got us doing?

Maybe House Beautiful is
coming here to take pictures.

I don't know, all of a sudden...

Look out! Watch the door!

Work, work, work,
scrub-a-dub-dub.

That's the way to go.
Keep it clean, keep it clean.

Everybody work,
work, work, work.

Shine, shine it, boys, shine.

That's it. Good, boys.

Work, work, work, work, work...

Keep it going.
Working all the time...



Relax.

Man, this is murder.

Hey, I got a letter
for Sergeant Bilko.

- Here, I'll take it in to him.
- Wait.

Hey, you shouldn't
open up his personal mail.

Ehh... Special Services, huh?

Hey, no wonder he's
got us breaking our backs

getting this place to look G.I.

Listen to this...

"From: Captain Blake
To: Sergeant Bilko.

"Subject: Submission of name

for consideration in Soldier
of the Month contest"?!

Bilko put his name in
for Soldier of the Month?

He's out of his mind.



Soldier of the Month? He's
the Goof-off of the Year.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the guy
who makes Soldier of the Month

gets a three-day pass.

Huh?

Beginning to make a
little sense, suckers?

Yeah, that new girl Lolita...

That night club
singer in Tulsa...

He's been trying to get a
pass to see her for weeks.

Hmm, what an operator.

And he almost took us in.

Well, if Bilko thinks I'm
gonna break my back

so he can get
three days in Tulsa,

having himself a
ball, he's off his nut.

This we don't have to do.

This I ain't doing.

Oh, come on, fellas, it won't
hurt to clean up the place.

That's the way to do it.

Work, work, work,
work, work, work.

Everybody work. Keep it clean.

That's a boy... scrub-a-dub-dub.

Scrub-a-dub.

Shine it up. That's it, boys.

Keep it going and...

What is this, Doberman, teatime?

But Sarge, I...

On the double,
formation. Hey-uh!

Hey! Everybody in place. Hey-ey!

Well, you guys going
to clean this place up

or ain't you?

Well?

- Sarge.
- Yes?

Doberman has
something to tell you.

- Wait a minute, fellas.
- Oh...

Doberman, the ringleader, huh?

But Sarge...

This is the cause
of the mutiny, huh?

Just the thought of
living in clean barracks

and in clean clothes
for once in your lives

strikes terror into
your hearts, huh?

You think you'll be
doing all the work

and I'll be Soldier
of the Month, right?

Men, how can I
make you understand?

If I do get to be
Soldier of the Month,

they won't be honoring me.

I'm just a mirror
that reflects you...

My comrades.

And are we gonna share
that trip to Tulsa with you

on that three-day pass?

Yes! Yes!

You're all going there with me.

Maybe not in
body, but in spirit.

I'll be thinking of you guys
every minute I'm there.

And when I meet Lolita
and take her dancing

on that Belmore roof,

will it be me she'll be
holding in her arms?

I'm just a symbol.

Yes, men, I'm just a symbol.

Even though you're
here in the barracks,

you'll be there every moment,
feeling those warm, soft kisses,

seeing those flashing, dark eyes

and that cute, little nose.

Boys, yours, all yours.

Her hair, Sarge.

Black like a summer night.

With glints of stardust.

That's what's waiting
for you guys in Tulsa.

Eyes that flash in the night,

jet-black hair, figure
like Venus de Milo.

Is that worth working for?

On the double,
that's it. Keep it...

Scrub, scrub, scrub. Shine,
shine, attaboys. Work...

Ordering a court-martial
for a young soldier

and recommending
dishonorable discharge

is not an easy
decision, Chaplain,

but look at this
Private Parker's record.

Insubordination,
fighting in barracks.

I know.

Chaplain, he's a hoodlum.

He never should
have been drafted.

He doesn't want
to be in the Army.

He's young.

He doesn't realize

that a dishonorable discharge
will follow him through life.

Colonel, give him
one more chance.

All right.

Send in Private Parker.

We're wasting time, Chaplain.

This man is incorrigible.

We've tried...
Private Parker, sir.

You wanted me?

You're addressing an officer.

Sir.

Parker, put that cigarette out!

Yes, sir.

Parker, the chaplain thinks

I should give you
another chance.

Oh, thanks for
nothing, Chaplain.

Come on, Colonel.

What's holding up my
dishonorable discharge?

Break me... sir.

Make me a civilian again.

Wait outside for
your assignment.

Yes.

Spotless. That's
the way I want it.

One speck can cost
me that three-day pass

and Soldier Of the Month.

I'd... Who-Who did
tha...? Who? Who?

Who are you?

Parker. Chick Parker.

I just been transferred.

Greetings. And
pick up that cigarette.

He's new. He didn't...
Here! Here! Here!

On the double.
Pick up the cigarette.

Pick it up yourself.

Oh, this is all I need.

- Call it, Hensh.
- What?

- Tails.
- Heads.

I belt him. You little...

What are you, nuts or something?

That's all I need... An
NCO hitting a soldier.

There goes the
Soldier of the Month

and the three-day pass.

Relax. I'll handle this.

See? No trouble.

I'll pick it up myself.

All right, kid, there's a
little misunderstanding.

You'll be all right.

You're a little
tense. New barracks.

That bunk on the end is yours.

I don't think you heard me, kid.

This is Doberman's bunk.

The bunk on the end is yours.

I like this one.

Why, you little punk!

No, no. No trouble.

Why? Why?

Now, look, son,
this is the Army.

You see, somebody's
got to give orders.

In this case, it's me.

You see these stripes?

Now, look, rube,

there's only two kinds of
animals that wear stripes...

Sergeants and skunks.

Funny. Fun...

Hold my hands. I
don't want to hit him.

Hold me!

Now, uh, listen,
son, you're a little t...

Look, buster, you're
beginning to annoy me.

Why don't you run along?

Now, look, kid, I'm
gonna play ball with you.

I know you're a little t...

Look, meatball, you
don't seem to get the idea.

I'm not doing nothin' for you!

Now, if you don't like
it, make your move now,

or shut up and stop annoying me!

Hold me. Hold me.

I can still reach him
with the feet. With the...

- Come on, Sarge, let us take him.
- Just one rap I want to...

No. No. No.

No trouble. I got
to get that pass.

Happy barracks. Come on.
Happy. Leave him alone...

Let me look at his Army record.

This ain't an Army record.

It's a police blotter.

Well, we got to
straighten him out.

The question is:
How do we do it?

Hey, Sarge, why don't
we use the same gimmick

we used on that Dawson kid?

Remember the Dawson
kid about six years ago?

He thought he was tough, too.

Yeah. No, that was too
much of a production.

We'll straighten
him out, but wait.

At least now it's quiet.

There's no trouble.

All right, break it up.
Let's go. Break it up...

Break it up. What's
going on in here?

He pulled a knife on me!

One move, slob.
Just one little move.

Oh, Doberman, he's just
having a little fun with you, Do...

Doberman just asked him to
move off his bunk, that's all.

- Now, relax. Re...
- He pulled a knife on me!

Will you stop?
They think you're...

Come on. He's only clowning.

Come here, I want
to talk to you boys.

- He pulled a knife on me!
- No trouble. Come here.

Look, Sarge, we'll
go along with you,

but we can't take
punks like that.

- Fine.
- He pulled a knife on me!

I'll pull a knife on
you if you don't stop!

Now, you got him
wrong. He's a nice kid.

Reminds me a lot of that
Dawson boy, hey, Rocco?

Yeah. Tonight?

Tonight.

- Hensh, let's get the maps.
- Okay.

Now, look, play ball
with me, all right?

Let's have a happy barracks,
forget the incident and relax.

Come on. Lights out, go to bed.

Come on.

What a bunch of farmers.

Chick, I want to talk to you.

Oh, I'm all ears. Get lost.

Now, don't be an umpchay.

We've been watching you...

Roc, Hensh and I...
And we like what we see.

You think big.

I guess anybody

that can take care of
himself looks big to you guys.

But you just ask around
the South Side of Chicago

about Chick Parker.

Ask some of the big boys.

And I mean big.

Yeah, I know. That's why
we want you in with us.

You working a caper?

What is it... a Halloween
dance or a turkey raffle?

You don't want
to blow this deal.

It's pretty good.

Now, do you want in or not?

Why not? It might amuse me.

Okay. Somebody'll contact
you right after lights out.

Farmers. I'm
surrounded by farmers.

Hensh, it's us.

Okay.

You guys been seeing
too many movies.

Over here, Parker.

He's all right, Hensh.
He's in with us.

He's taking Lefty's place.

Check.

Roc, what about
that tank carrier?

Do we get it or not?

I've been working on
the ordnance, Sergeant.

And he said he'd have
an 80-ton carrier for us

ready at the rendezvous
spot the night we wanted it,

but he wants ten
grand for doing it.

Give it to him.

We need that tank carrier.

How are we gonna
get those three tanks

from the rendezvous spot

to the middle of Tennessee,
where we need it?

Check.

Lay it on 'em.

Hensh, how about the refueling?

A guy in Kentucky's
gonna have the gas drum

at the side of the highway
at exactly 3:57 in the morning.

Great.

Here's the gimmick...

We take the three tanks, right?

Hey, what are you guys up to?

Didn't you brief him, Roc?

Ernie... Ernie, I
thought you did.

It's just a slipup like this
that can blow the whole deal!

Hey, what's going on?

We're knocking off Fort Knox.

There it is.

Fort Knox?

Yeah, now we take the first...

Fort Knox where the
government keeps its gold?

As of today, they do.

All right, now we
take the first tank...

You guys are kidding, ain't you?

What do you mean, kidding?

I mean... Fort Knox?

You know a better
way of knocking it off

than from the
inside in the Army?

No, no. It's-It's
just that it's, well...

Just the biggest heist
in history, that's all.

Maybe it's too big.

Cut that out, Rocco!

This kid's all right.

He's got moxie.

Did you see the way he
pulled that knife on Doberman?

- Yeah.
- He's all right. He thinks big.

You're with us, kid.

Well, to tell you
the truth, I'm not...

Boy, you're in.

We've been planning
this caper for eight years.

We've got operators
all over the Army.

Oh, you're in,
because there's no out.

Sure. Sure.

We're organized.

You think it was an
accident you got drafted

and was transferred from
post to post till you got here?

We've been watching you, kid.

We've been testing you.

You came through all right.

You're gonna be okay.

Now, come on.

We're way behind schedule.

We lost three months
when Lefty lost his nerve.

Lefty?

He's the guy you're replacing.

Now, there's the first tank
on the outer gate, right?

We line up the
three tanks, right?

- Right.
- In formation. We're on the outer gate.

Rocco, you're in the first tank.

Hensh and me, we're
in the second tank.

Check.

Parker, you bring
up the rear tank at...

Still got Lefty's name on it.

Say, uh, what happened to Lefty?

I just asked.

All right.

Now, we got the three tanks.

We change the insignia to
the 37th Armored Division;

that gets us through
the front gate, right?

Now, when you get into the
inner security patrol... Rocco?

I knock off the security guard,
then I protect you and Hensh.

Check. Hensh?

I cut loose with the
cannon, blast the main door

off the concrete shell
of the gold reserve.

Right. I knock off the
security replacements.

That's when you come
up with the rear tank

filled with the explosives.

Explosives?

Ten tons of it.

Now, look...

you push your tank right through
the gap that Henshaw blasted.

The tank explodes, and
that inner concrete wall

opens like coconuts.

Yeah, but if I'm
in the tank, I go...

You'll be out of it by then.

Hey, this is the place...

this is the place that Lefty
always used to chicken out.

- Yeah.
- Cut that out, Roc.

I tell you, he's in.

He's all right.

Got guts, this kid.

Now, look, here's
your instructions.

You light the fuse
on the explosives,

point the tank through the hole

that Henshaw gapped
for you, all right?

Put it in first gear,
throw in your clutch,

open the hatch, take cover.

You got nothing to worry about.

You got four seconds.

Is that clear? Right?

Hey, fellas, I hate
to spoil your plans,

but I just thought of something.

I don't know how
to drive a tank.

What do you think,
you're with amateurs, kid?

We've thought of that.

Two weeks before
we start the deal,

you get transferred
to tank school.

One of our operators there'll
teach you the whole rumble.

- Sure.
- Check?

All right.

Now, with the two
remaining tanks,

we're into the
gold reserve, right?

We load up, blast our
way to the landing field

where Blackie is
waiting with the B-29,

and it's off to South America.

Rocco.

I'm in.

- Hensh!
- I'm in.

Parker!

Hold it a minute.

Turn your face
this way, in the light.

Correct me if I'm wrong.

Don't he look an
awful lot like Lefty?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I'm in.

Check.

Here's the rest of
your instructions.

Tonight at the main gate,

there's gonna be a big,
black limousine drive up.

It's gonna throw something out.

It'll be the plans where
the tanks are hidden.

Grab those plans.

Now, I arranged it

so nobody'll be on guard
duty all night but you.

Now, you better get
moving into your uniform.

Wait a minute.

Just in case.

You better learn
these general orders.

Now, get used to 'em.

"Take charge of this post

and all government
property in view..."

He's gonna be all right.

Hey, Sarge, they're ready!

Attention, men!

Beautiful. Beautiful!

You look like living dolls.

I'm proud of you all.

Now, look, I just
got tipped off.

There's a carload of canned
goods just been delivered

to the Company B kitchen.

Now, if we can help unload
that, that's some points

for the Soldier of the
Month contest, right?

Now, I need three volunteers.

Hey... Quiet!

The minute I ask for something,
this is the reaction, huh?

Well, thank heavens
there's one guy in this platoon

that's proud, proud to be

with the platoon,
proud to take a...

Sarge?

And here he is. He's
been up all night.

This kid's got heart.

Sit down, kid. Take it easy.

You need a little rest.

This is the kind
of soldier, now.

You guys get down
to that motor pool.

Keep these uniforms spotless.

Don't go near a truck.

Keep 'em clean.

And try to keep
each other awake.

Dismissed!

Have a nice rest,
kid? Come here.

- I want to talk to you.
- But Sarge, I watched every car.

No limousine went by, honest.

- I didn't goof.
- I know, I know.

They rumbled to
us, we called it off.

Now, look, we
just got tipped off.

We're getting some
percussion caps

shipped to us from Fort Slade.

They'll be in one can in
that carload of tomatoes

that were just delivered
to the Company B kitchen.

I want you to find that
can and get those caps.

One can in a whole carload?

- How will I find...?
- Shh!

The can is marked with an "X."

Just look for it. All right?

On the double,
get to that kitchen.

Well, gee, Sarge,
percussion caps... they're...

I know. I know
they're dangerous.

One wrong move
and... they go off.

But don't tip it off,
you understand?

Now, if those caps
go off in your pocket,

make like nothing happened.

All right?

Uh, I haven't been feeling too
well, and I-I don't know what...

Hey, fellas, he's
getting to look

more like Lefty
every day, ain't he?

I got to hurry over to
the Company B kitchen.

I'll be...

This kid's all right.
He's got a lot of heart.

Another load!

Coming! Coming!

Nothing to do, Sergeant Sowici?

Pot roast. Colonel Hall.

- Don't let me disturb you.
- I was just...

I just want to
check today's menu.

Just, uh, testing the
pressure cooker, sir.

Coming through, sir.

Does that man have
to do all that by himself?

He insists on doing
it by himself, sir.

Won't let anybody
else touch a can.

Thank heavens we've got at least

one good soldier
left on the post.

- Yes, sir.
- What's your name, son?

- Parker, sir.
- I'll remember that.

- Pot roast again?
- Uh, yes, sir.

This time with
rissole potatoes and...

- Parker?
- String beans

and mixed green salad and...

- Parker?
- Another load!

- Coming! Coming!
- Colonel?

- Excuse me, Colonel. Coming!
- Colonel?

I don't believe it.

I don't believe it.

- Excuse me, sir.
- Work, work, workin' there!

Working all the time.

Is he working all
right, Sowici? I...

- Colonel Hall.
- At ease, Bilko.

How did you do it?

Do what, sir?

Bilko, this Parker has a
record of vicious hoodlumism.

We've tried changing his post.

We've tried punishment,
disciplinary action...

We've tried everything,
with no results.

- How did you do it?
- Sir...

Did you ever try kindness?

Kindness?

Kindness...

Here, listen.

I got another detail for you.

You know the
quartermaster's depot

where they outfit
the new recruits?

One of our men is going
to be disguised as a recruit.

He's going to have
a note telling us

when the operations start.

You look for that note.
He'll pass it on to you.

Well, sir, I've been thinking...

Wait a... wait a minute.

Are you left-handed?

Oh, no, sir. I just picked
it up with that hand.

- I'm right-handed, honest.
- All right.

Now, you look out for that
note. It's very important.

- Right?
- Right.

You get over there as
soon as you can... Wait!

You finish here first.

Look for that note.

It may be tonight.

Ah-va-boom!

All right, you meatballs,

keep these yardbirds moving.

Come on. Hop it up. Hop it up.

Don't worry about the fit.

If it don't fit,
force it a little bit.

Alterations, see your
company sergeant...

Bilko, where's that
relief crew you promised?

If you think you're going to get
extra work credit points with...

with promises, my men
are dead on their feet.

Relax. Here he is.

"He"?! You promised
me relief for four men.

This boy is better
than four men.

All right. Come on,
men. Knock it off.

Wear this gardenia,
so he'll know you.

Outfitted an entire
company by himself?

Only the beginning, Chaplain.

Oh, excuse me a minute, sir.

You the last one?

Look, be a good boy.

Pass this note to
that soldier over there.

I had hopes, but this?

Bilko, how... what did y...?

Well, look, when you're going
to be Soldier of the Month,

you've got to show qualities

- of leadership, don't you?
- Bilko?

Bilko, please,
how did you do it?

It might be some
method I can use.

Not you, Padre, this is
way out of your league.

You could never do it.

Someday I'll find out.

All right, what is it?

The note.

Well, read it. Read it.

Come on. What does it say?

- "Tonight."
- Tonight?

Ah-va-boom!

- Uh, Bilko!
- That's the Colonel!

Eat the note!

I still can't
believe... Kindness.

You only have three fours!

- Come on, keep dealing.
- Give-Give Doberman a good hand.

Hey, the winners
are telling jokes.

Deal! Deal!

- Hiya, Parker.
- Want to sit in?

Gee, if you guys don't mind.

- Don't mind?
- Sure, come on.

Here's the guy does
all the KP for us,

all the work details...
Of course not.

We love you, kid.

Hey, Parker, after the
game, you're with us.

Down in the post theater,
good picture down there tonight.

FBI in Action.

Tonight?

Gee, I'd love to, only...

No, I can't do it tonight.

Come on, quit
dreaming. You open.

- Open?
- It's only a nickel to open.

Must seem kind of
small-time to you, hey, Parker?

Oh, oh, no. I don't
need any money.

Who wants money or gold?

Gold? Where's gold?
It's all in Fort Knox.

Cheer up, will you,
Parker? You're with friends.

- Sure, kid.
- Come on.

Yeah... Yeah, I'm with friends.

Okay, I, I open for a nickel.

I bet he's got
aces back-to-back.

I'd have to have five of
them to beat you guys.

Parker.

Bye, fellas.

Grab that door, Hensh.

Parker, we've got to
make some changes.

We found that hatch
has a double lock.

You only got two seconds.

Oh, no, Sarge!

I can't go through with it.
You've got to let me out.

You've got to let me out.

Looks more like Lefty
every minute, don't he?

Sarge, I'm-I'm not the
tough guy you think I am.

Look, I just want to
be one of the platoon.

Look, those
guys... they like me.

They honestly like me.

For the first time in my life,
somebody really likes me.

I just want to be a soldier
and-and get a little sleep

and some peace of mind.

Chief, I can see
it in your eyes.

You're going to
let the little rat go.

Henshaw.

How many points have I got?

Enough to cinch the
Soldier of the Month contest.

Parker, on your feet.

I talked it over with the boys.
We're going to let you out.

- You still got that knife?
- Yeah, here, Sarge.

Uh, we'll let you out if
you keep your mouth shut.

Stay out of trouble.
Just be a good soldier.

Oh, Sarge, I swear, I...

Hey, fellas, deal me in.

I want to... Ten-hut!

Who said, "attention"
when I should've said...

At ease!

Men, an honor has been achieved

by this platoon that
makes it imperative

that I award the Soldier of
the Month winner in person.

Sergeant Bilko...

And well you may applaud.

I join you in your happiness.

The glory that you must share.

Glory that is a reflection
of your leadership

and kindness.

Men, I give you the
Soldier of the Month:

Private Parker.

Hey, let's go down to
the PX and celebrate.

What could've...?

Hiya, Padre. Anything
we can do for you?

Bilko, you were right.

I could never have done it.

What went wrong?
How did I miss...? I...

You know something?

It could work. If
we had another...

What am I saying?
Get it... Get it out!

Parker was portrayed
by Paul Porter, Jr.,

Henshaw by Allan Melvin.

Fleischman was played
by Maurice Brenner.