The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 1, Episode 32 - The Con Men - full transcript
Doberman receives $500.00 but manages to lose it all at poker when he is befriended by three strangers in a café who just all happen to be from his home town. He doesn't realise that he has been taken but Bilko clearly sees this as a con and sets about getting himself conned by these same three strangers. Unfortunately for them the hunters become the hunted and it isn't long before Doberman has his money back and the platoon welfare fund is swelled.
Mail call.
Come on! Hey!
Get in line.
What is this, gentlemen?
This is United States
mail you're tampering in.
What is this?!
And Doberman, stop pawing
around in there like it was a grab bag.
- I'm sorry, Sarge.
- In line.
May I remind you, the
United States protects mail.
Guarantees its privacy.
Why, there may be money,
money orders, checks.
Now, come on now!
Let's have a
little order in this.
- Mail call.
- Mail call.
Paparelli?
Here.
Zimmerman?
Here.
Fender.
Here.
Kadowsk... Catalogues!
Dober...
Doberman?
Throw it, Sarge.
Come and get it.
Doberman,
there are certain mails
that can be thrown,
but when the contents
is a pink slip of paper
with the words "pay
to the order of..."
What? What is...? What is that?
I wasn't discussing
anything with you.
This is this man's private mail.
Let's not get too nosy.
Here you are, Doberman.
Can we help you open it?
No, I'm opening
it all right, Sarge.
Isn't it wonderful?
Look how neat he is.
Like a real executive.
What is it?
Looks like a check from a bank.
Get back!
Leave this man alone
with his thoughts.
Why must you be so nosy?
Is it any of your business?
How much is it for, Duane?
You read it, Sarge.
The numbers keep
dancing up and down.
"The National Underwriters
Insurance Company
in settlement for acc..."
Accident?
Five years ago, I
was hit by a cab.
Good boy.
"Pay to the order
of Duane Doberman
exactly $500.00"
What is it? What are
you...? Why don't you...?
I'm rich! I'm rich!
I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm...
Yes, you are rich. Rich, indeed.
Not because of
this piece of paper.
That's false riches.
You are rich... rich indeed...
In the friends you have.
Rocco, a guest in
my room standing?
Sit down, Duane. Sit down.
Here, baby boy.
Want a cigarette?
No, Sarge.
Need anything at the PX?
No. Sarge, I got
to go on guard duty.
No, no, no, no, Do.. Just relax.
Today is a holiday.
Today, all you do is
sit here and look pretty.
You know, I was telling
the boys only the other day
the riskiest thing to do
with money these days
is to invest it in a bank.
- Really?
- Oh, yes.
This is an era
when your money must go
out and earn other monies.
Now, if you're wondering
what to do with that $500...
Oh, I know what I'm
gonna do with it, Sarge.
- You do?
- Yeah.
I'm gonna give it to you.
Here, take it.
M-Me?
You're not gonna
fight over...? Just...?
Look, Sarge, I never
had any money to invest
in those wonderful schemes
you used to get the
other fellas involved in.
I have money now.
I want you to have it, Sarge.
Do whatever you want with it.
I... No. Here. I can't.
- What are you doing, Sarge?
- I can't.
Keep the money. You
crazy? What are you...?
What? What? What?!
I won't be able
to sleep at night.
Why must it be him
with those trusting eyes?
Why couldn't it be Mullen
with those shifty eyes,
as if he's always
looking for a soft touch?
Take that check,
get out of here.
I'm only human. Go on!
Sarge, I wouldn't know
what to do with $500.
You'll think of something.
What? I got everything
a man could want.
I get my meals.
Got a place to sleep.
I got friends.
You could cry, couldn't you?
It's a choker.
He's got everything.
Did you ever stop to think
what a small portion of this
would do for your appearance?
What's wrong with my appearance?
Duane, we've been
keeping this from you,
but the time has
come to face facts.
You are a slob.
Me?
Let me amend that.
You are an ex-slob.
About to burst forth resplendent
in beautiful new
clothes... Shoes, hats.
That's it. That's what we'll do.
We'll take him to a
tailor in town today.
That's what we'll do...
We'll get him one of those
classy civilian
suits tailor made.
But, Sarge, I
got a civilian suit.
Duane, they don't wear
Prince Albert coats anymore.
That's it. That's what we'll do.
We'll dress him
up like a peacock.
Fender... he
used to be a tailor.
I'll ask Fender. He'll know.
Where is Fe...?
Where's Fender? Who...?
There's Fender. Here he is.
Come here, Fender.
Fender, you used to be a tailor.
Look at him. What
do you see him in?
A Prince Albert coat.
Jokes.
Always with the jokes, huh?
Hold it. I don't need
anybody. It just came to me.
- Tweeds.
- No, no. Sharkskin.
Please don't fight me on
this. I see him in tweeds.
He's born for beautiful
English tweeds.
Don't you see what
the...? Give it a sweep.
With the little
"pilts" in the back.
Don't you see it
with the trousers
right down on to the shoelaces?
Just in that pinpoint
correctness?
A Hamburg hat,
gray suede gloves.
I'll die. I'll die.
No, no. You'll
live! You'll live!
The women'll die.
That's it. This afternoon,
right to the tailors.
Look, escort him to the
bank, cash the check,
meet me and the rest of the guys
in the lounge at
the Roseville Hotel.
We can't do it, Sarge.
We've got the
headquarters detail.
And the bank closes at 4:00.
Maybe I can go alone
and cash the check.
Alone? With $500? Are you mad?
Which one of you guys...?
I'll take him, Sarge.
You're safer alone.
Here's what you do.
Cash this check, take the money,
go right across the street
to the lounge of
the Roseville Hotel.
- You got that?
- Got you.
On the double.
And listen, when
you cash the money,
put the money in this pocket.
Right in here. You understand?
If you're crossing the
street, and you get...
happen to get hit by a car,
fall on the money.
You understand? At all times.
If a stranger talks
to you, walk away.
If it's a guy with a
mustache, call a cop.
Understand? On the double.
Hey, Sarge, why don't
you take the money?
Will you get him out of
here before I go crazy?
Go! Go! Go! Meet us in
the lounge. Remember that.
What'll it be, soldier?
I'm supposed to meet
some of my friends here.
Can I wait a while?
Oh, sure. Just make
yourself right at home.
Thank you. Can I
have a cherry pop?
Sure.
How much is it?
Why, that'll be
two bits, soldier.
Here.
$20? Haven't you got
anything smaller than that?
I'll look.
No. I'm afraid that's
the smallest I have.
All right.
18, 19... 75.
What'll it be, miss?
Lemonade.
Thank you.
Pardon me.
I hate to bother you,
but have you a light?
There's some matches here, miss.
Oh, pardon me.
Thank you.
Ooh, your hand...
I just noticed.
You must be a concert pianist.
Oh, no, ma'am.
I'm just a soldier.
A soldier. How interesting.
I work in a motor pool.
A mechanic. Oh,
that sounds exciting.
It does?
Oh, there you are, sis.
Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, Jeanie.
Heavens. Now we're
gonna miss the concert.
Oh, I, uh... I don't
believe I know your friend.
Uh, this is my
brother, Steve Smith.
This is Private...
- Doberman.
- Doberman.
Duane Doberman.
Doberman. Why is
that name so familiar?
Oh, there are plenty of
us Dobermans back home.
Oh? Where's home?
I come from Allentown,
Pennsylvania.
Allentown, Pennsylvania?!
Why? What's the matter?
Oh, this is the end.
Why, here were are in
the middle of Kansas,
and we meet a neighbor
from Allentown, Pennsylvania.
You folks from Allentown?
No place else but
little old Allentown.
Isn't it wonderful?!
Folks from home.
Why, I'll bet we know
a lot of folks you do.
Say, maybe we went
to the same high school.
Uh... Forsythe High.
Forsythe High.
Good old Forsythe.
Say, remember
the cheer. Come on.
Go get 'em... ALL: Forsythe.
Ray, ray.
Ray.
Pride of... - Allentown, P.A.
Yup, yup. Good
old Allentown, P.A.
Allentown, P.A. Did somewhere
here say Allentown, P.A?
Yeah. The three of
us are from Allentown.
You mean the four of us.
- Well, this is a small world.
- No.
Are you from Allentown, too?
The greatest little
city in America, huh?
I declare, huh?
I don't believe I've, um...
Oh, this is Jean
and Steve Smith.
- Hi.
- I'm Duane Doberman.
Chester A. Foster.
How do you do?
I'm glad to know you, sir.
- A pleasure, Mr. Foster.
- How do you do?
Say, I just completed a
million dollar insurance deal,
and I thought I was gonna
have to celebrate alone.
We'll go up to my
suite for a drink.
- Fine.
- Yeah, that sounds good.
Grand idea.
We'll cut up old touches.
Maybe a little poker
game or something.
I love to play poker,
but my sergeant never
lets me in the game.
Oh, uh, so you're in
insurance, Mr. Foster?
- Hey, Mister?
- Yes.
Yes.
Uh, some soldiers are gonna
come here asking for me.
Will you tell them
that I'll meet them
later at the barracks?
Tell them I ran into some
folks from my hometown.
Oh.
Come on, Duane.
Ooh, Duane, you're much
taller than I thought you were.
Really?
It's funny. I was just a
little shrimp until I was 15,
and suddenly, I
shot up like a weed.
Remarkable.
Here comes Doberman.
Hiya, Duane.
Hiya, Dobie, baby boy.
Have a good time
with the folks, Dobie?
Cut up some old touches?
Have a nice little chat?
- Hey, Sarge, what's a...?
- What? What?
Nostalgia. He's all choked up.
He's been with folks
from back home.
He's sentimental.
We understand, Duane.
We figure we got plenty of time
to get you the clothes tomorrow,
but in the meantime, we ought
to put the money in a safe place.
You know, like the
platoon welfare box.
- What money?
- What money?
Here.
What money?
You know, the $500.
- It's gone.
- Gone?!
Guys! Why do you jump
down a man's throat?
He doesn't have to answer,
and why are you so nosy?
Man don't have to
answer to anybody.
What are you?
What are you, all district
attorneys suddenly?
This man don't have to
talk if he don't want to talk.
Just leave him alone.
Where's the money?!
I don't want to talk about it.
You don't want to talk about it?
What do you mean,
you don't want to talk?
Quiet! He don't
want to talk about it,
he doesn't have to talk.
He doesn't have to
answer to anybody.
Now leave him alone.
Duane, the reason we asked you
is 'cause we're all
interested in you.
You're a buddy after all.
You don't have to tell
us if you don't want to,
but we wish you would.
Nobody's gonna hit the ceiling.
Nice and calm.
Just collect yourself and relax.
Tell us. What happened?
Well, I met this girl at a bar.
Girl at a bar!
Tell me he didn't say
he met a girl at the bar.
- He did.
- A real nice girl?
- Yeah. You know her?
- Do I know her?
I've met her in Chicago,
San Francisco, Manila.
Not this one.
She's from Allentown.
- Allent...
- Oh.
How can a guy be in the Army
ten years and be so defenseless?
- Go on.
- Well, we started to talk...
And then her brother
showed up, right?
- His name was Steve.
- Ah.
What time did Harry, the
traveling salesman come by?
There was no salesman
named Harry, Sarge.
No?
His name was Chester.
Chester. Good old Chester.
And Chester suggested you
go up to his suite for a little visit.
- Old friends.
- Ah.
By accident, there was a
card table and some cards.
- Am I right?
- That's right, Sarge.
And then, he suggested
a friendly little game
of poker between old friends.
That's right.
- And you were very lucky.
- Oh, I was real lucky. I...
Oh, you won the first
five hands, didn't you?
And then zing, bang, boom,
before you knew it, the
$500 was gone, right?
That's exactly the
way it happened.
That's exactly the
way it always happens.
Oh, Duane, how could
you be such a fool?
Oh, Sarge, I'm so
ashamed of myself.
Quiet. Quiet. Don't you see
what happened, Dillingham?
Card sharps. They
work Army camps.
They took him.
Sarge, I'm such a fool.
Please. Please!
I can't stand to
see a fat man cry.
Sorry, Sarge.
Don't-Don't be sorry.
Just let me think a minute.
Now, tonight I got
a date with Joan.
I'll have to call that off.
All right, I'll
have to work fast.
I'll get the money back.
You'll get it back, Sarge?
- How? How?
- How? How?
The way they took it
from him, that's how.
Gander, you got
cards? On the double.
Fingers are a little stiff.
Look, Sarge, how you
gonna get the money back?
- There's two of them.
- Let's see if I'm in shape.
Nerve ends are still dead.
I need some
sandpaper. Sandpaper.
Sarge, there's two of them!
I know... I'll use the
old Army maneuver:
divide and conquer.
Let me see, you won
the first five hands, right?
First five hands... That
means they gave you
the Australian deal, am I right?
- What's that, Sarge?
- From Down Under.
There's only one
way to combat that.
There's only one way to
work with stacked cards.
That's to give it
the Bilko shuffle.
The Bilko shuffle?
For which there is
no known defense.
What'll it be, Private?
I'll have some
lemonade, please, sir,
and not too much on the
sugar, because I'm driving.
What about that!
♪ Old MacDonald
had a farm, e-i-e-i-o ♪
♪ And on this farm he
had some chicks, e-i-e-i-u ♪
♪ With a cluck-cluck there
and cluck-cluck there, here... ♪
- Oh, thank you.
- That'll be two bits.
Two bits?
- That's 25 cents, isn't it, sir?
- That's right.
- Oh, there you are, sir.
- $50?
Haven't you got anything
smaller than that?
Oh, good heavens,
is that a fifty?
I always think they're fives.
Uh... 25 cents, you said.
There it is, I have the
change. Thank you.
- What'll it be, miss?
- Lemonade.
Oh! Ooh!
Pardon me... Ma'am?
- Have you a light?
- A li...
Oh, here are some matches here.
May I?
Thank you. Oh, your hands!
I just noticed!
You must be a concert pianist.
How'd you guess? 'Fess
up, you heard me play
"Kitten on the Keys" in the
recreation hall, didn't you?
Oh, there you are, sis.
Oh, I'm sorry I'm late. I...
Oh, I don't believe
I know your friend.
Oh, this is my brother Steve.
- This is Private...
- Bilko, ma'am.
Clement Bilko. Back
home they just call me Clem.
Bilko, Bilko.
Why is that name so familiar?
Oh, shucks, mister, you
never could've heard of me,
unless you come from
Council Bluffs, Iowa.
- Council Bluffs!
- Council Bluffs!
- That's incredible!
- What-what is it?
Why, here we are in
the middle of Kansas,
and we meet a neighbor
from Council Bluffs, Iowa!
You folks from back home?
Nowhere else but
little old Council Bluffs.
This is wonderful!
Well... what's the
matter, soldier?
- He's crying.
- Oh, you must...
Please forgive me for
being such a blubberer...
but to meet folks
from back home.
I'll bet we even went to
the same school. Uh...
Goosenheimer's Business College.
Goosenheimer's Business College.
Oh, good old Goosenheimer.
Now, now, now, Clem boy.
Oh, you must forgive me
for being such a baby...
about it, but...
to meet folks from home
and from the same school...
Let's sing the old school song!
- All right, you start it.
- Okay.
♪ O Goosenheim ♪
♪ O Goosenheim ♪
- ♪ Your name will drag ♪
- ♪ Drag ♪
- ♪ But not in slime ♪
- ♪ In slime ♪
♪ From Crovney Hill ♪
- ♪ To Gilman Street ♪
- ♪ Street ♪
♪ The folks up there ♪
♪ They ca-an't be ♪
- ♪ Beat ♪
- ♪ Be beat ♪
- ♪ The typewriters ♪
- ♪ Writers ♪
♪ And pencils grand ♪
- ♪ O Goosenheim ♪
- ♪ Heim ♪
- ♪ The grandest grand. ♪
- ♪ Grand. ♪
Boy, you sure knew every word.
You... To Council Bluffs,
gateway to Sioux City!
Sioux City? Who's
here from Sioux City?
Nobody! We're
from Council Bluffs.
- Council Bluffs?
- He's from Council Bluffs, too!
He's from Council Bluffs!
Say... You have a suite!
Why don't we go up there?
Why don't we all? ♪
Goosenheim, O Goosenheim... ♪
Well, make yourself at home.
Oh, what a coincidence...
A card table and cards!
Yes. Now, let's sit down,
we'll start the game.
- A game? Oh, a game, a game!
- I'll deal.
Wait a minute!
- What's the matter?
- You're gonna start a game
without singing
the Council Bluffs
High School fight song?
- Oh, but we don't know...
- You don't know?
You're from Council
Bluffs, you don't...
Oh, sure, sure, we
know it, don't we?
Of course. He just forgot it.
We always used to sing it
Mondays in the assembly hall.
Don't you remember how it went?
♪ Oh, Council Bluffers ♪
♪ Won't be bluffed,
no, sir, no, sir... ♪
You remember your part
the boys used to sing?
♪ Away, away in Iowa, away... ♪
And your part, ♪ Council
Bluffs, Council Bluffs ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh... ♪
You remember now?
♪ Council Bluff... ♪
You're rushing it.
♪ Away, away in Iowa... ♪
No, no, you're coming
in at the wrong time.
♪ Council... ♪
No, you...
Why do you say "away" when
you're not supposed
to do it yet?
Keep it high.
No, no, don't rush
it, don't sing it wrong.
♪ Council... ♪
Don't come in until I tell you.
♪ Counc... ♪
No, keep it high.
- High, soprano.
- Uh, look, Clem,
I better save my voice
for the next sales meeting.
- Why don't we just sit down...
- Yes, let's sit down.
- We'll get the game going.
- All righty.
Ante up a dollar. Play showdown.
- Good idea.
- Oh, is this for money?
Oh, I never play for
money, 'cause I always lose.
Oh, I'm sure you're gonna win.
I have a feeling you'll
win the first five hands.
- How could you know?
- I have a feeling.
Oh? All right.
Well, if it's only for a dollar,
- all right, I'll try that once.
- I'll deal.
- Uh, do you mind?
- Huh?
It's the only fun I ever get.
I don't play many...
but I like to shuffle, see?
- Oh.
- Now, away we go,
like that fat man says
on television all the time.
That's a nice hand!
Oh, that's beautiful.
There you are! What do you got?
- Just a pair of deuces.
- I only have fives. He wins!
I win? I w... Wait, I don't win.
All I have is a pair of fours.
He has a pair of fives.
- He wins.
- I win?
- He wins?
- You see, I'm...
- I never win at cards.
- Oh, oh, that was an accident.
- An accident?
- I mean, uh...
He means he's sure you're
gonna win the next hand.
- Aren't you, Mr. Foster?
- I'm positive.
- Well, uh, I...
- Up a dollar.
Well, I'll go for
one more dollar,
but I'm not used to this.
- There you are.
- I'll deal.
- May I?
- What?
The only fun I have.
I'm so sloppy at it.
You do that well.
I bet you'll be lucky
to me... I have a king!
I have two kings!
I have three kings!
Three kings beats me.
But it don't beat him.
He has three aces.
- He wins.
- Three... three aces?
There it is... now, you
see, I've lost two dollars.
I must go back to camp.
I must have a talk
with the chaplain.
Uh, now... now,
wait, Clem, wait.
Uh, Jeannie, call room
service, order Clem a steak.
- He looks hungry.
- Steak? That's nice!
There's a few things I want
to talk to Mr. Foster about
regarding insurance.
Come in here, Mr. Foster.
I just want to tell you
about my sister's insur...
What are you trying to pull?
I cut the cards!
- For you to win!
- No, no, for him to win!
The first five
games, like always.
Don't worry, we'll
get him this time.
Now, look, Chip,
if you got any idea
of cleaning out this
game for yourself,
if this is a double cross...
We been working
together for years, Steve!
Don't forget that.
And then I want some kumquats.
- Tell 'em I like 'em...
- Back to the game.
But I didn't... And a malted
with an egg in it, please.
There you are.
Oh, I don't know why
we're playing, I tell you,
- 'cause I never win.
- You'll win this time.
I'm sure you're gonna win.
Say, why don't we
Indian wrestle instead.
- That would be...
- No, no, no, you can't lose.
All right, ante up a dollar.
I just want to be sociable
for one more dollar,
- but that's all.
- Okay, I'll deal.
Uh. Oh, give me my fun!
Oh.
And away we go!
Oh, he is funny, that fat chap.
- I have kings!
- Uh-huh.
Jeanie, I have three kings!
Oh, I'm afraid to look at the...
- What was that, Mr. Foster?
- Huh?
Mr. Foster, you
must play this right.
Because that last
card belongs here.
You see, I have four
kings, but we don't know
what that card is, and until...
He has four aces...
He wins again!
Four a...!
Four aces, huh?
This is your lucky
day, huh, Mr. Foster?!
- Now, look, I...
- Temper, temper.
Men, this is just a card game.
Soldier, this card
game is just beginning.
- What do you mean by that?
- I mean that there's
a certain pig in here
who wants to take it all.
I believe he called you a pig.
And you're gonna teach
me how to play, huh, punk?
I'm gonna teach you a lesson.
Put your money
where your mouth is.
Okay. Ante $50.
You got yourself a player.
- I'm in.
- All right, give me those cards.
Wait a minute!
Let the soldier deal.
See how you make
out in an honest game.
All right, we'll see.
Deal the cards.
You're high.
Ten dollars!
- I see you.
- I'm in.
Still high.
- $20!
- I see you.
You're still high.
- $30.
- In.
$30 and $50 more!
- Wow!
- $30, call and $50, raise!
- I'm in.
- I see you.
Pair of tens. Pair of tens bet.
- Check.
- Check.
- $50!
- $50, and I raise a hundred.
I'm in.
I think he's bluffing.
I see you, wise guy,
and you better have
better than those tens.
I have... aces and tens.
Not so fast!
Three jacks.
Excuse me, please. Excuse me.
I think when they're
all the same color,
it's called a "flish" or
something. What is that?
- A flush.
- Oh, a "flush."
The soldier wins!
Attaboy, soldier.
Would you mind pushing
it back this way, please?
I call with my last
hundred. That cleans me.
I'm in.
Three tens full.
Wait a minute!
Three queens full.
- How about that?
- Excuse, excuse, excuse me.
I believe this is
called a "royal flush"?
The soldier wins.
Good boy, soldier.
Okay, table stakes... $500.
Here's my IOU.
Here's mine.
♪ Do, dah, Council Bluffs... ♪
Oh! I see. We're
playing for paper?
Okay, I'm in.
Look, soldier.
You don't understand.
You see, we don't have any
cash, so we've got to play for these.
These are IOUs.
Oh. I may be very dense,
but, to me, it still
looks like paper.
No, no, no, you see, you have
all the money. We have none.
- So we play on trust.
- Hmm.
Yeah, you see, you trust us.
I trust you?
Well, I hardly know you.
All I know about you is
you're a couple of card sharks
who work Army camps
taking over soldiers, huh?
Oh, a sharpie, huh?
So that's it.
Let me see, this 500
will go back to Goldman.
This is for the welfare fund.
Say, Jean, I must have you
for a steak dinner sometime.
- You've been very nice...
- Put the money back on the table
and turn around, soldier.
Oh, a gun! Say,
that's a rare one.
That's a Luger. You
don't see them anymore.
Oh, I've always been
interested in guns.
Is that a .38 or a .45?
I never am sure, but
the boys always know.
Boys? Is this a Luger?
No, that's a Hoffmier, 1930.
- They don't make them like this.
- They don't?
It's not a Hoffmier!
It's a Zinger Holstein.
- It's not a Zinger Holstein!
- Boys! Boys! Boys! Boys!
Boys, mind your manners,
arguing in front of company.
Doberman, front and
center on the double.
I'm sorry.
Here's your $500
and stay out of trouble.
- Gee, thanks, Sarge!
- Get out in the hall
- and wait until we call you.
- Yeah.
And now, you three
sharpies, if I ever see
any of your faces anywhere
near an Army camp...
Oh, don't worry, soldier.
He's going right back
to Cleveland, where he
belongs, to work in a garage.
She's not kidding.
Ah, just stay where you belong.
Trying to be a big shot, oh!
I wish I could live off
you for the rest of my life.
Here. Here's bus fare
back home, and you...
- I'll go pack.
- Sarge, what do you want to do
with this guy... The
kid with the gun?
You want to prefer
charges against him?
That's Doberman's beef.
We ought to give Doberman
a little something to
stand on, on his own,
make his own decisions.
- Get me Doberman on the double.
- Doberman!
You been seeing too many
Humphrey Bogart pictures.
Here he is, Sarge.
Doberman, do you
want to prefer charges
- against this man?
- Ah, please, soldier.
The gun wasn't even
loaded. Honest it wasn't.
All right! Now,
you listen to me.
Get out of my hotel
and never come back!
When he says his "hotel,"
he means out... what?
Out! Out of my hotel!
What do you mean
out of your hotel?
I just met the
owner out in the hall.
He sold me the
whole thing for $500.
The owner?
Yeah, he had a little
black mustache...
Hey, Sarge, there he goes!
Say, when you fellas
were last in Allentown,
- do you remember a guy called...
- Come on!
Also in tonight's cast:
Maurice Gosfield was Doberman,
Sally Mansfield played Jean,
Grant Richards was Steve,
and Danny Dayton played Chester.
Come on! Hey!
Get in line.
What is this, gentlemen?
This is United States
mail you're tampering in.
What is this?!
And Doberman, stop pawing
around in there like it was a grab bag.
- I'm sorry, Sarge.
- In line.
May I remind you, the
United States protects mail.
Guarantees its privacy.
Why, there may be money,
money orders, checks.
Now, come on now!
Let's have a
little order in this.
- Mail call.
- Mail call.
Paparelli?
Here.
Zimmerman?
Here.
Fender.
Here.
Kadowsk... Catalogues!
Dober...
Doberman?
Throw it, Sarge.
Come and get it.
Doberman,
there are certain mails
that can be thrown,
but when the contents
is a pink slip of paper
with the words "pay
to the order of..."
What? What is...? What is that?
I wasn't discussing
anything with you.
This is this man's private mail.
Let's not get too nosy.
Here you are, Doberman.
Can we help you open it?
No, I'm opening
it all right, Sarge.
Isn't it wonderful?
Look how neat he is.
Like a real executive.
What is it?
Looks like a check from a bank.
Get back!
Leave this man alone
with his thoughts.
Why must you be so nosy?
Is it any of your business?
How much is it for, Duane?
You read it, Sarge.
The numbers keep
dancing up and down.
"The National Underwriters
Insurance Company
in settlement for acc..."
Accident?
Five years ago, I
was hit by a cab.
Good boy.
"Pay to the order
of Duane Doberman
exactly $500.00"
What is it? What are
you...? Why don't you...?
I'm rich! I'm rich!
I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm...
Yes, you are rich. Rich, indeed.
Not because of
this piece of paper.
That's false riches.
You are rich... rich indeed...
In the friends you have.
Rocco, a guest in
my room standing?
Sit down, Duane. Sit down.
Here, baby boy.
Want a cigarette?
No, Sarge.
Need anything at the PX?
No. Sarge, I got
to go on guard duty.
No, no, no, no, Do.. Just relax.
Today is a holiday.
Today, all you do is
sit here and look pretty.
You know, I was telling
the boys only the other day
the riskiest thing to do
with money these days
is to invest it in a bank.
- Really?
- Oh, yes.
This is an era
when your money must go
out and earn other monies.
Now, if you're wondering
what to do with that $500...
Oh, I know what I'm
gonna do with it, Sarge.
- You do?
- Yeah.
I'm gonna give it to you.
Here, take it.
M-Me?
You're not gonna
fight over...? Just...?
Look, Sarge, I never
had any money to invest
in those wonderful schemes
you used to get the
other fellas involved in.
I have money now.
I want you to have it, Sarge.
Do whatever you want with it.
I... No. Here. I can't.
- What are you doing, Sarge?
- I can't.
Keep the money. You
crazy? What are you...?
What? What? What?!
I won't be able
to sleep at night.
Why must it be him
with those trusting eyes?
Why couldn't it be Mullen
with those shifty eyes,
as if he's always
looking for a soft touch?
Take that check,
get out of here.
I'm only human. Go on!
Sarge, I wouldn't know
what to do with $500.
You'll think of something.
What? I got everything
a man could want.
I get my meals.
Got a place to sleep.
I got friends.
You could cry, couldn't you?
It's a choker.
He's got everything.
Did you ever stop to think
what a small portion of this
would do for your appearance?
What's wrong with my appearance?
Duane, we've been
keeping this from you,
but the time has
come to face facts.
You are a slob.
Me?
Let me amend that.
You are an ex-slob.
About to burst forth resplendent
in beautiful new
clothes... Shoes, hats.
That's it. That's what we'll do.
We'll take him to a
tailor in town today.
That's what we'll do...
We'll get him one of those
classy civilian
suits tailor made.
But, Sarge, I
got a civilian suit.
Duane, they don't wear
Prince Albert coats anymore.
That's it. That's what we'll do.
We'll dress him
up like a peacock.
Fender... he
used to be a tailor.
I'll ask Fender. He'll know.
Where is Fe...?
Where's Fender? Who...?
There's Fender. Here he is.
Come here, Fender.
Fender, you used to be a tailor.
Look at him. What
do you see him in?
A Prince Albert coat.
Jokes.
Always with the jokes, huh?
Hold it. I don't need
anybody. It just came to me.
- Tweeds.
- No, no. Sharkskin.
Please don't fight me on
this. I see him in tweeds.
He's born for beautiful
English tweeds.
Don't you see what
the...? Give it a sweep.
With the little
"pilts" in the back.
Don't you see it
with the trousers
right down on to the shoelaces?
Just in that pinpoint
correctness?
A Hamburg hat,
gray suede gloves.
I'll die. I'll die.
No, no. You'll
live! You'll live!
The women'll die.
That's it. This afternoon,
right to the tailors.
Look, escort him to the
bank, cash the check,
meet me and the rest of the guys
in the lounge at
the Roseville Hotel.
We can't do it, Sarge.
We've got the
headquarters detail.
And the bank closes at 4:00.
Maybe I can go alone
and cash the check.
Alone? With $500? Are you mad?
Which one of you guys...?
I'll take him, Sarge.
You're safer alone.
Here's what you do.
Cash this check, take the money,
go right across the street
to the lounge of
the Roseville Hotel.
- You got that?
- Got you.
On the double.
And listen, when
you cash the money,
put the money in this pocket.
Right in here. You understand?
If you're crossing the
street, and you get...
happen to get hit by a car,
fall on the money.
You understand? At all times.
If a stranger talks
to you, walk away.
If it's a guy with a
mustache, call a cop.
Understand? On the double.
Hey, Sarge, why don't
you take the money?
Will you get him out of
here before I go crazy?
Go! Go! Go! Meet us in
the lounge. Remember that.
What'll it be, soldier?
I'm supposed to meet
some of my friends here.
Can I wait a while?
Oh, sure. Just make
yourself right at home.
Thank you. Can I
have a cherry pop?
Sure.
How much is it?
Why, that'll be
two bits, soldier.
Here.
$20? Haven't you got
anything smaller than that?
I'll look.
No. I'm afraid that's
the smallest I have.
All right.
18, 19... 75.
What'll it be, miss?
Lemonade.
Thank you.
Pardon me.
I hate to bother you,
but have you a light?
There's some matches here, miss.
Oh, pardon me.
Thank you.
Ooh, your hand...
I just noticed.
You must be a concert pianist.
Oh, no, ma'am.
I'm just a soldier.
A soldier. How interesting.
I work in a motor pool.
A mechanic. Oh,
that sounds exciting.
It does?
Oh, there you are, sis.
Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, Jeanie.
Heavens. Now we're
gonna miss the concert.
Oh, I, uh... I don't
believe I know your friend.
Uh, this is my
brother, Steve Smith.
This is Private...
- Doberman.
- Doberman.
Duane Doberman.
Doberman. Why is
that name so familiar?
Oh, there are plenty of
us Dobermans back home.
Oh? Where's home?
I come from Allentown,
Pennsylvania.
Allentown, Pennsylvania?!
Why? What's the matter?
Oh, this is the end.
Why, here were are in
the middle of Kansas,
and we meet a neighbor
from Allentown, Pennsylvania.
You folks from Allentown?
No place else but
little old Allentown.
Isn't it wonderful?!
Folks from home.
Why, I'll bet we know
a lot of folks you do.
Say, maybe we went
to the same high school.
Uh... Forsythe High.
Forsythe High.
Good old Forsythe.
Say, remember
the cheer. Come on.
Go get 'em... ALL: Forsythe.
Ray, ray.
Ray.
Pride of... - Allentown, P.A.
Yup, yup. Good
old Allentown, P.A.
Allentown, P.A. Did somewhere
here say Allentown, P.A?
Yeah. The three of
us are from Allentown.
You mean the four of us.
- Well, this is a small world.
- No.
Are you from Allentown, too?
The greatest little
city in America, huh?
I declare, huh?
I don't believe I've, um...
Oh, this is Jean
and Steve Smith.
- Hi.
- I'm Duane Doberman.
Chester A. Foster.
How do you do?
I'm glad to know you, sir.
- A pleasure, Mr. Foster.
- How do you do?
Say, I just completed a
million dollar insurance deal,
and I thought I was gonna
have to celebrate alone.
We'll go up to my
suite for a drink.
- Fine.
- Yeah, that sounds good.
Grand idea.
We'll cut up old touches.
Maybe a little poker
game or something.
I love to play poker,
but my sergeant never
lets me in the game.
Oh, uh, so you're in
insurance, Mr. Foster?
- Hey, Mister?
- Yes.
Yes.
Uh, some soldiers are gonna
come here asking for me.
Will you tell them
that I'll meet them
later at the barracks?
Tell them I ran into some
folks from my hometown.
Oh.
Come on, Duane.
Ooh, Duane, you're much
taller than I thought you were.
Really?
It's funny. I was just a
little shrimp until I was 15,
and suddenly, I
shot up like a weed.
Remarkable.
Here comes Doberman.
Hiya, Duane.
Hiya, Dobie, baby boy.
Have a good time
with the folks, Dobie?
Cut up some old touches?
Have a nice little chat?
- Hey, Sarge, what's a...?
- What? What?
Nostalgia. He's all choked up.
He's been with folks
from back home.
He's sentimental.
We understand, Duane.
We figure we got plenty of time
to get you the clothes tomorrow,
but in the meantime, we ought
to put the money in a safe place.
You know, like the
platoon welfare box.
- What money?
- What money?
Here.
What money?
You know, the $500.
- It's gone.
- Gone?!
Guys! Why do you jump
down a man's throat?
He doesn't have to answer,
and why are you so nosy?
Man don't have to
answer to anybody.
What are you?
What are you, all district
attorneys suddenly?
This man don't have to
talk if he don't want to talk.
Just leave him alone.
Where's the money?!
I don't want to talk about it.
You don't want to talk about it?
What do you mean,
you don't want to talk?
Quiet! He don't
want to talk about it,
he doesn't have to talk.
He doesn't have to
answer to anybody.
Now leave him alone.
Duane, the reason we asked you
is 'cause we're all
interested in you.
You're a buddy after all.
You don't have to tell
us if you don't want to,
but we wish you would.
Nobody's gonna hit the ceiling.
Nice and calm.
Just collect yourself and relax.
Tell us. What happened?
Well, I met this girl at a bar.
Girl at a bar!
Tell me he didn't say
he met a girl at the bar.
- He did.
- A real nice girl?
- Yeah. You know her?
- Do I know her?
I've met her in Chicago,
San Francisco, Manila.
Not this one.
She's from Allentown.
- Allent...
- Oh.
How can a guy be in the Army
ten years and be so defenseless?
- Go on.
- Well, we started to talk...
And then her brother
showed up, right?
- His name was Steve.
- Ah.
What time did Harry, the
traveling salesman come by?
There was no salesman
named Harry, Sarge.
No?
His name was Chester.
Chester. Good old Chester.
And Chester suggested you
go up to his suite for a little visit.
- Old friends.
- Ah.
By accident, there was a
card table and some cards.
- Am I right?
- That's right, Sarge.
And then, he suggested
a friendly little game
of poker between old friends.
That's right.
- And you were very lucky.
- Oh, I was real lucky. I...
Oh, you won the first
five hands, didn't you?
And then zing, bang, boom,
before you knew it, the
$500 was gone, right?
That's exactly the
way it happened.
That's exactly the
way it always happens.
Oh, Duane, how could
you be such a fool?
Oh, Sarge, I'm so
ashamed of myself.
Quiet. Quiet. Don't you see
what happened, Dillingham?
Card sharps. They
work Army camps.
They took him.
Sarge, I'm such a fool.
Please. Please!
I can't stand to
see a fat man cry.
Sorry, Sarge.
Don't-Don't be sorry.
Just let me think a minute.
Now, tonight I got
a date with Joan.
I'll have to call that off.
All right, I'll
have to work fast.
I'll get the money back.
You'll get it back, Sarge?
- How? How?
- How? How?
The way they took it
from him, that's how.
Gander, you got
cards? On the double.
Fingers are a little stiff.
Look, Sarge, how you
gonna get the money back?
- There's two of them.
- Let's see if I'm in shape.
Nerve ends are still dead.
I need some
sandpaper. Sandpaper.
Sarge, there's two of them!
I know... I'll use the
old Army maneuver:
divide and conquer.
Let me see, you won
the first five hands, right?
First five hands... That
means they gave you
the Australian deal, am I right?
- What's that, Sarge?
- From Down Under.
There's only one
way to combat that.
There's only one way to
work with stacked cards.
That's to give it
the Bilko shuffle.
The Bilko shuffle?
For which there is
no known defense.
What'll it be, Private?
I'll have some
lemonade, please, sir,
and not too much on the
sugar, because I'm driving.
What about that!
♪ Old MacDonald
had a farm, e-i-e-i-o ♪
♪ And on this farm he
had some chicks, e-i-e-i-u ♪
♪ With a cluck-cluck there
and cluck-cluck there, here... ♪
- Oh, thank you.
- That'll be two bits.
Two bits?
- That's 25 cents, isn't it, sir?
- That's right.
- Oh, there you are, sir.
- $50?
Haven't you got anything
smaller than that?
Oh, good heavens,
is that a fifty?
I always think they're fives.
Uh... 25 cents, you said.
There it is, I have the
change. Thank you.
- What'll it be, miss?
- Lemonade.
Oh! Ooh!
Pardon me... Ma'am?
- Have you a light?
- A li...
Oh, here are some matches here.
May I?
Thank you. Oh, your hands!
I just noticed!
You must be a concert pianist.
How'd you guess? 'Fess
up, you heard me play
"Kitten on the Keys" in the
recreation hall, didn't you?
Oh, there you are, sis.
Oh, I'm sorry I'm late. I...
Oh, I don't believe
I know your friend.
Oh, this is my brother Steve.
- This is Private...
- Bilko, ma'am.
Clement Bilko. Back
home they just call me Clem.
Bilko, Bilko.
Why is that name so familiar?
Oh, shucks, mister, you
never could've heard of me,
unless you come from
Council Bluffs, Iowa.
- Council Bluffs!
- Council Bluffs!
- That's incredible!
- What-what is it?
Why, here we are in
the middle of Kansas,
and we meet a neighbor
from Council Bluffs, Iowa!
You folks from back home?
Nowhere else but
little old Council Bluffs.
This is wonderful!
Well... what's the
matter, soldier?
- He's crying.
- Oh, you must...
Please forgive me for
being such a blubberer...
but to meet folks
from back home.
I'll bet we even went to
the same school. Uh...
Goosenheimer's Business College.
Goosenheimer's Business College.
Oh, good old Goosenheimer.
Now, now, now, Clem boy.
Oh, you must forgive me
for being such a baby...
about it, but...
to meet folks from home
and from the same school...
Let's sing the old school song!
- All right, you start it.
- Okay.
♪ O Goosenheim ♪
♪ O Goosenheim ♪
- ♪ Your name will drag ♪
- ♪ Drag ♪
- ♪ But not in slime ♪
- ♪ In slime ♪
♪ From Crovney Hill ♪
- ♪ To Gilman Street ♪
- ♪ Street ♪
♪ The folks up there ♪
♪ They ca-an't be ♪
- ♪ Beat ♪
- ♪ Be beat ♪
- ♪ The typewriters ♪
- ♪ Writers ♪
♪ And pencils grand ♪
- ♪ O Goosenheim ♪
- ♪ Heim ♪
- ♪ The grandest grand. ♪
- ♪ Grand. ♪
Boy, you sure knew every word.
You... To Council Bluffs,
gateway to Sioux City!
Sioux City? Who's
here from Sioux City?
Nobody! We're
from Council Bluffs.
- Council Bluffs?
- He's from Council Bluffs, too!
He's from Council Bluffs!
Say... You have a suite!
Why don't we go up there?
Why don't we all? ♪
Goosenheim, O Goosenheim... ♪
Well, make yourself at home.
Oh, what a coincidence...
A card table and cards!
Yes. Now, let's sit down,
we'll start the game.
- A game? Oh, a game, a game!
- I'll deal.
Wait a minute!
- What's the matter?
- You're gonna start a game
without singing
the Council Bluffs
High School fight song?
- Oh, but we don't know...
- You don't know?
You're from Council
Bluffs, you don't...
Oh, sure, sure, we
know it, don't we?
Of course. He just forgot it.
We always used to sing it
Mondays in the assembly hall.
Don't you remember how it went?
♪ Oh, Council Bluffers ♪
♪ Won't be bluffed,
no, sir, no, sir... ♪
You remember your part
the boys used to sing?
♪ Away, away in Iowa, away... ♪
And your part, ♪ Council
Bluffs, Council Bluffs ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh... ♪
You remember now?
♪ Council Bluff... ♪
You're rushing it.
♪ Away, away in Iowa... ♪
No, no, you're coming
in at the wrong time.
♪ Council... ♪
No, you...
Why do you say "away" when
you're not supposed
to do it yet?
Keep it high.
No, no, don't rush
it, don't sing it wrong.
♪ Council... ♪
Don't come in until I tell you.
♪ Counc... ♪
No, keep it high.
- High, soprano.
- Uh, look, Clem,
I better save my voice
for the next sales meeting.
- Why don't we just sit down...
- Yes, let's sit down.
- We'll get the game going.
- All righty.
Ante up a dollar. Play showdown.
- Good idea.
- Oh, is this for money?
Oh, I never play for
money, 'cause I always lose.
Oh, I'm sure you're gonna win.
I have a feeling you'll
win the first five hands.
- How could you know?
- I have a feeling.
Oh? All right.
Well, if it's only for a dollar,
- all right, I'll try that once.
- I'll deal.
- Uh, do you mind?
- Huh?
It's the only fun I ever get.
I don't play many...
but I like to shuffle, see?
- Oh.
- Now, away we go,
like that fat man says
on television all the time.
That's a nice hand!
Oh, that's beautiful.
There you are! What do you got?
- Just a pair of deuces.
- I only have fives. He wins!
I win? I w... Wait, I don't win.
All I have is a pair of fours.
He has a pair of fives.
- He wins.
- I win?
- He wins?
- You see, I'm...
- I never win at cards.
- Oh, oh, that was an accident.
- An accident?
- I mean, uh...
He means he's sure you're
gonna win the next hand.
- Aren't you, Mr. Foster?
- I'm positive.
- Well, uh, I...
- Up a dollar.
Well, I'll go for
one more dollar,
but I'm not used to this.
- There you are.
- I'll deal.
- May I?
- What?
The only fun I have.
I'm so sloppy at it.
You do that well.
I bet you'll be lucky
to me... I have a king!
I have two kings!
I have three kings!
Three kings beats me.
But it don't beat him.
He has three aces.
- He wins.
- Three... three aces?
There it is... now, you
see, I've lost two dollars.
I must go back to camp.
I must have a talk
with the chaplain.
Uh, now... now,
wait, Clem, wait.
Uh, Jeannie, call room
service, order Clem a steak.
- He looks hungry.
- Steak? That's nice!
There's a few things I want
to talk to Mr. Foster about
regarding insurance.
Come in here, Mr. Foster.
I just want to tell you
about my sister's insur...
What are you trying to pull?
I cut the cards!
- For you to win!
- No, no, for him to win!
The first five
games, like always.
Don't worry, we'll
get him this time.
Now, look, Chip,
if you got any idea
of cleaning out this
game for yourself,
if this is a double cross...
We been working
together for years, Steve!
Don't forget that.
And then I want some kumquats.
- Tell 'em I like 'em...
- Back to the game.
But I didn't... And a malted
with an egg in it, please.
There you are.
Oh, I don't know why
we're playing, I tell you,
- 'cause I never win.
- You'll win this time.
I'm sure you're gonna win.
Say, why don't we
Indian wrestle instead.
- That would be...
- No, no, no, you can't lose.
All right, ante up a dollar.
I just want to be sociable
for one more dollar,
- but that's all.
- Okay, I'll deal.
Uh. Oh, give me my fun!
Oh.
And away we go!
Oh, he is funny, that fat chap.
- I have kings!
- Uh-huh.
Jeanie, I have three kings!
Oh, I'm afraid to look at the...
- What was that, Mr. Foster?
- Huh?
Mr. Foster, you
must play this right.
Because that last
card belongs here.
You see, I have four
kings, but we don't know
what that card is, and until...
He has four aces...
He wins again!
Four a...!
Four aces, huh?
This is your lucky
day, huh, Mr. Foster?!
- Now, look, I...
- Temper, temper.
Men, this is just a card game.
Soldier, this card
game is just beginning.
- What do you mean by that?
- I mean that there's
a certain pig in here
who wants to take it all.
I believe he called you a pig.
And you're gonna teach
me how to play, huh, punk?
I'm gonna teach you a lesson.
Put your money
where your mouth is.
Okay. Ante $50.
You got yourself a player.
- I'm in.
- All right, give me those cards.
Wait a minute!
Let the soldier deal.
See how you make
out in an honest game.
All right, we'll see.
Deal the cards.
You're high.
Ten dollars!
- I see you.
- I'm in.
Still high.
- $20!
- I see you.
You're still high.
- $30.
- In.
$30 and $50 more!
- Wow!
- $30, call and $50, raise!
- I'm in.
- I see you.
Pair of tens. Pair of tens bet.
- Check.
- Check.
- $50!
- $50, and I raise a hundred.
I'm in.
I think he's bluffing.
I see you, wise guy,
and you better have
better than those tens.
I have... aces and tens.
Not so fast!
Three jacks.
Excuse me, please. Excuse me.
I think when they're
all the same color,
it's called a "flish" or
something. What is that?
- A flush.
- Oh, a "flush."
The soldier wins!
Attaboy, soldier.
Would you mind pushing
it back this way, please?
I call with my last
hundred. That cleans me.
I'm in.
Three tens full.
Wait a minute!
Three queens full.
- How about that?
- Excuse, excuse, excuse me.
I believe this is
called a "royal flush"?
The soldier wins.
Good boy, soldier.
Okay, table stakes... $500.
Here's my IOU.
Here's mine.
♪ Do, dah, Council Bluffs... ♪
Oh! I see. We're
playing for paper?
Okay, I'm in.
Look, soldier.
You don't understand.
You see, we don't have any
cash, so we've got to play for these.
These are IOUs.
Oh. I may be very dense,
but, to me, it still
looks like paper.
No, no, no, you see, you have
all the money. We have none.
- So we play on trust.
- Hmm.
Yeah, you see, you trust us.
I trust you?
Well, I hardly know you.
All I know about you is
you're a couple of card sharks
who work Army camps
taking over soldiers, huh?
Oh, a sharpie, huh?
So that's it.
Let me see, this 500
will go back to Goldman.
This is for the welfare fund.
Say, Jean, I must have you
for a steak dinner sometime.
- You've been very nice...
- Put the money back on the table
and turn around, soldier.
Oh, a gun! Say,
that's a rare one.
That's a Luger. You
don't see them anymore.
Oh, I've always been
interested in guns.
Is that a .38 or a .45?
I never am sure, but
the boys always know.
Boys? Is this a Luger?
No, that's a Hoffmier, 1930.
- They don't make them like this.
- They don't?
It's not a Hoffmier!
It's a Zinger Holstein.
- It's not a Zinger Holstein!
- Boys! Boys! Boys! Boys!
Boys, mind your manners,
arguing in front of company.
Doberman, front and
center on the double.
I'm sorry.
Here's your $500
and stay out of trouble.
- Gee, thanks, Sarge!
- Get out in the hall
- and wait until we call you.
- Yeah.
And now, you three
sharpies, if I ever see
any of your faces anywhere
near an Army camp...
Oh, don't worry, soldier.
He's going right back
to Cleveland, where he
belongs, to work in a garage.
She's not kidding.
Ah, just stay where you belong.
Trying to be a big shot, oh!
I wish I could live off
you for the rest of my life.
Here. Here's bus fare
back home, and you...
- I'll go pack.
- Sarge, what do you want to do
with this guy... The
kid with the gun?
You want to prefer
charges against him?
That's Doberman's beef.
We ought to give Doberman
a little something to
stand on, on his own,
make his own decisions.
- Get me Doberman on the double.
- Doberman!
You been seeing too many
Humphrey Bogart pictures.
Here he is, Sarge.
Doberman, do you
want to prefer charges
- against this man?
- Ah, please, soldier.
The gun wasn't even
loaded. Honest it wasn't.
All right! Now,
you listen to me.
Get out of my hotel
and never come back!
When he says his "hotel,"
he means out... what?
Out! Out of my hotel!
What do you mean
out of your hotel?
I just met the
owner out in the hall.
He sold me the
whole thing for $500.
The owner?
Yeah, he had a little
black mustache...
Hey, Sarge, there he goes!
Say, when you fellas
were last in Allentown,
- do you remember a guy called...
- Come on!
Also in tonight's cast:
Maurice Gosfield was Doberman,
Sally Mansfield played Jean,
Grant Richards was Steve,
and Danny Dayton played Chester.