The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 1, Episode 31 - Bilko's Hair - full transcript

I told you we'd win

after Alice Bingham
made that last basket.

Gee, Sarge, you must
be proud of your girls.

Second straight basketball
championship in a row.

- Wasn't Alice terrific?
- I don't know.

- You don't know?
- I wasn't at the game.

But you had a date with
Bilko to see the game.

- I'm still waiting.
- Oh, what a shame.

Well, I've stopped waiting.

Sergeant Hogan.

Yes?



Sergeant Bilko
told me to tell you

that he's still held up on that
emergency cleanup detail.

He'll get here as
soon as he can.

Private Paparelli.

Come here.

Tell me about this detail.

Please, Sarge, I'm
just supposed to tell you

what I said, and then
keep my mouth closed.

Oh, please... You can tell me.

Remember, I'm the sergeant

who makes out
your furlough papers,

and I'm the sergeant who
makes out your three-day passes,

and it'd be so easy

to forget how to spell
your name, Paparelli.



Give!

I gave my word.

My lips are sealed.

Besides, he'll kill me.

Good for you.

I was just testing.

I wanted to see how
loyal Bilko's men were.

Besides, I know, anyway.

He spent a very busy
afternoon with his three friends,

Sowici, Pendleton and
Grover, in a crap game.

No, honest, it's a poker game!

Of course, I meant poker game.

You'd be proud of him.

Sowici, Pendleton and Grover
had the game fixed, they thought.

They put up a big
mirror behind Bilko

so they could see his cards.

While the three of them
are looking in the mirror

at Bilko's cards,

Bilko is looking
at their hole cards.

He should have them
cleaned out any minute.

Thank you for telling me.

Who told you? You knew.

Guess who?

I couldn't be less interested.

Oh, I love 'em when they
try to fight off my charm,

but it's a losing battle.

Sergeant Hogan, you
are hereby ordered

to accompany Sergeant
E. Bilko on a tour

of the better cocktail
bars in Roseville, Kansas,

followed, of course, by
dinner at Antonucci's...

Candlelight optional...

Followed by a reconnaissance
of the northeast corner

of Military Area "B,"

sometimes referred
to as "Lovers Lane."

Oh, no, no, I asked her first.

I'm sorry.

Well, my little symphony
in khaki, how about it?

Well, as a matter of
fact, Sergeant Bilko,

apart from that
Lovers Lane detail,

that's exactly
what I'm gonna do.

- Good girl.
- Ready, Joan?

Oh, you're right on time, Mike.

Well, let's go.

Wait a minute. What is this?

You had a date with me.

Yes, we had a date
to watch the finals

of the WAC
Basketball Tournament.

Where were you?!

Well, uh, you see, this
business opportunity came up.

I heard all about that with
the mirrors and everything.

That Paparelli can't
keep his mouth shut.

I've had it, Ernie.

I'm tired of waiting around
for some poker session to end.

I'm tired of waiting for a
pool tournament to finish

so we can go somewhere.

I'm tired of waiting around

and being nothing
but an interruption

between your big operations.

Let's go, Joan, huh?

You heard her, she's
tired. Go away, go away.

I'll be with you
in a minute, Mike.

- Right, Sergeant.
- You're kidding.

You're not going
with him, really?

Why, Joan, you'll
undermine the whole structure

of the United States Army...

A sergeant going
out with a corporal?

That's how France fell.

Do you mind?

All... all right, all right.

You pointed out to
me where I was wrong.

You made your point.
I've learned a lesson.

Come on. Let's go.

You don't seem to get the idea.

I'd rather go out with Mike.

You're kidding.

You'd rather go out
with him than with me?

Yes.

Oh, you-you-you...
you m... you're ups...

You would actually
rather go out with... ugh...

than with, uh...?

Exactly.

You must be joking.

You would rather go with...?

What has he got
that I haven't got?

You're looking at it.

Oh.

Oh, Ernie, I'm sorry.
It just slipped out.

- It's all right. All right, go!
- I didn't mean to say it.

It's good to find out
that the girl I've admired,

the girl I held on a pedestal
is nothing but a hair lover!

But Ernie, you got me so mad!

Well, Joan?

Ugh! Yechh! Ugh!

Did you ever see
anything so unsanitary?

Well, if you're so
crazy about hair,

why don't you go
out with a sheepdog?!

- Oh, Ernie.
- Come on, Sarge.

Go on!

And I'll tell you
something else he's got

that I haven't got
and I never will have:

dandruff!

Give me the barbershop.

Barbershop?

A shave. A shave!

Tony? Bilko. I'll be
there in ten minutes.

Ah, you're nothing but
a bunch of hair lovers.

There you are.

Just what you asked for.

I don't know.

It still don't look
like Rock Hudson.

Fleischman, be reasonable.

He's only a barber,
not a plastic surgeon.

I gotta look good.

The Fort Baxter drama group
is putting on South Pacific,

and I'm doing the Pinza
part, so naturally I...

You're a... you're a doll.

You look like a doll.

Let's go.

Hey, you fellas gonna
come see me in the show?

Please.

Get lost.

Oh, they're too busy
thinking up new tricks to play.

Ha-ha-ha!

- Ha-ha-ha!
- Ha-ha!

The next guy laughs at
me, so help me I'm gonna...

You were gonna
put one over on Bilko.

All right, forget it, forget it.

Our time'll come.

Sorry, Sergeant Sowici.

Sergeant Bilko just called
and made an appointment.

Bilko? Bilko?
Everything is Bilko!

Bilko didn't join the Army.
The Army joined him.

Well, this is a gay little
group waiting to greet me.

Very nice. Say, just enough
for a barbershop quartet.

Be a lot of...

You keep forgetting
your place, Sowici.

Up, up, up, up!

Oh, turn blue.

Let me see, what would be
a good thing for the quartet?

"Jeanie." That...
You do the bass.

- ♪ Jeanie, with the light
brown hair ♪ -Oh, get off.

♪ Jeanie, with the
light brown... I... ♪

Dream of Jeanie... ♪

Come on... Let's
get out of here.

Boys, you want to wait?

I'll be through in a minute.

A minute? Look, we
know what happens

when Bilko gets in that chair.

Yeah, first, you'll slop

your newest hair-growing
preparation on his head.

And then he takes a
long nap until it dries.

Look, Tony, why
don't you give up

trying to grow fuzz
on that cue ball?

Cue ball!

All right, all right, I have
enough hair jokes for one day.

- Get out of here.
- Come on, fellas.

We'll wait outside.

So long, curly.

So long, curly!

Isn't that funny? GI humor.

Fun on the post. Ha-ha-ha!

Sergeant, you're gonna
laugh at all of them.

This time I think I put
together just the right thing.

All right, Tony,
enough is enough, huh?

For seven years now
you've been using my head

for an experimental area.

But Sergeant,
this time, I know...

"This time"? It's
always "this time."

How many disappointments
can a man take?

For seven years
you've been rubbing

all kinds of
concoctions up there.

What have I got to show for it?

Your fingerprints.

But we mustn't give up hope.

There are roots under
there. I can feel 'em.

This formula will make
us a million dollars.

Oh, sure, sure.

The only way I'll
get hair up there

is to let my eyebrows
grow in and sweep it back.

You must have
hope, Sergeant Bilko.

There, this will open the pores,

and Tony's new Formula
76 will pull the roots up.

Okay, dream on, Tony, dream on.

Now just relax.

I'm going in the back
and eat my lunch.

Okay.

Oh, Joan.

Someday, Joan, someday.

Look at him in there, sleeping.

Probably dreaming up new
ways to make monkeys out of us.

Once, just once, I'd like
to turn the tables on him.

I'd like to make him
the goat, for a change.

Thinking up a new gag to play?

Yeah!

All right, get off my back.

At least I'm trying to
do something about it.

You guys just sit there
waiting for it to come to you.

Hey, you guys
coming to the play?

Thanks. We're not in
the theater-going mood.

Hey, what's this?

They're wigs for the play.

Hey, do these things stay on?

Are you kidding?

You can't get 'em off.

You put gum spirit in there,

and then if you
don't let 'em get wet,

they'll stick like anything.

Hey, Kadowski!

Yeah! Hey, you
better put it back.

- I gotta get going.
- Oh, sure, sure, sure.

Hey, Kadowski, look.

Is that a P-37 or a P-38?

- Where? I don't see any planes.
- Right up...

Oh, those-those jets.

Voom, and they're gone.

Hey, Kadowski!

Yeah, yeah, coming.

Why did you clip the wig?

Yeah, maybe they need it.

Not half as much as we do.

Boys, this is it.

What is it Bilko wants

more than anything
else in the world?

Our money.

No. Next to that.

- Hair.
- Hair.

He's still asleep.

Now, listen.

We take this in, and
I'll paste it on his head.

He'll think it's the real thing.

And then in front of the
post, I'll tear this thing off,

and the laugh will be terrific!

But Grover, don't you give it
away with that laugh of yours.

- Oh, no...
- Now, quiet, now. Shh, shh.

Oh, Joanie, when you run
your fingers through my hair...

Take it easy, will ya, Tony?

Take it easy!

What are you doing, Tony?

Why don't you stop?

- T-Tony!
- You want me, Sergeant?

Tony, come in here right away!

Ready for your shave?

Tony!

Get up. Look at it.

It's true, isn't it?

Sergeant Bilko,
it's true, it's true!

It's true. I thought
it was true.

- It worked! It worked!
- It's a miracle.

After all these years!

Let me look! Let me look!

No, not too close.
They're young hairs.

Don't jostle 'em.

It's real, but I can't feel
it when I pull the hair!

That's because the
roots are still numb.

We'll make a fortune.

I-I'll start bottling it.

You can handle the fac-factory.

- 50-50...
- I don't want any money, Tony!

No money at all!

This'll be my reward.

You're a genius, you understand?

A genius!

Why, in France,
they'd build you a park.

Where's my hat? Where is it?

- Where are you going?
- Oh...

this I gotta show to somebody.

Tony, I salute a scientist!

You're brilliant!

Well, well, Sergeant Hogan.

I thought you were out for
an evening of high living.

You knew this special
detail caught me,

and right at the gate.

Ah, well, those things happen.

That's Army life.

As long as I'm here,

I thought I'd pick
up my duty roster.

It'll be ready Monday,
like it always is.

Oh, yes, well, thought I
might as well be prepared.

My goodness, it's
hot in here, isn't it?

Ernie, I'm terribly sorry

about that crack I
made the other day.

Forget it.

No, I really...

Your head.

Well, what-what-what
is it, what?

Oh, you, oh, oh...
What is it? What? What?

You've got hair!

Hair? Well, what?

Well, Ernie, you've got hair!

Of course I've got hair.
Everybody has hair.

I'm human like everybody.

I never heard such nonsense
over a little bit of hair.

But you never had it before.

Maybe I never wanted it before.

Such a fuss about a little hair.

- Is it real?
- Is it real?

No, I bought it so I'd look
dashing at the motor pool.

"Is it...?" Well,
feel it, go on.

Oh!

Girls, it's the real thing!

Would you girls like to enjoy?

Well, go, have fun.

Run barefoot through it. Go on.

Enjoy yourselves.

Well, have your little pulses
all come down to normal?

Well, then now I can
tell this little GI sorority

something I've always
wanted to tell them.

Eat your hearts out.

Well, I guess I'll
go wash my hair.

I don't know what to do with it.

I may let it grow into
a ponytail, who knows?

♪ I dream of Ernie with
the dark brown hair. ♪

Oh, uh, I got Doberman and
Gander working on that new jeep.

Oh, let me see that worksheet.

You better check with
Sergeant Bilko on that.

I don't know what it is.

He's still down
at the barbershop.

- Oh, yeah?
- Rocco! Henshaw!

We're in the powder room, Sarge.

Over here. Give me
a hand with these.

- Sure.
- Hey, you must have bought out the...

Hey, what's all this?

Hair tonic? Shampoo?

Home permanent? Hair dryer?

I guess I overdid it, but

all the things I've been
dreaming of buying for years,

there they are.

Well, guess I'll wash my hair.

His hair.

- Always with the jokes.
- He's a caution.

Hair! He's got hair!

What? What's the big deal?

He's got hair, so what?

Sarge, you made
it. How did you do it?

I don't know. All I know,
tonight when I lay my head

on the pillow, there'll be
something there besides skin.

Sarge, it's beautiful.

Well, think I'll wash my hair.

Shall we, gentlemen?

Give me that towel, please.

Watch that water, watch it.

Don't make it too hot. These
are young hairs, you know.

You know what I
was thinking about?

Maybe for the beginning,
I ought to wash it in milk

till it's weaned.

This yardbird... this
yardbird tries to tell me

that the best hitter
in the league is...

Hey, buster, you better beat it.

Sergeant Bilko don't like
strange soldiers in our latrine.

Attention.

Sounds like Bilko.

Yeah, but from the eyebrows
up he's a total stranger.

It's Bilko. It's me, boys.

You like it? Feel it, feel it.

Sarge, I-I-I-I-I...

Sarge, I'm so happy for you.

Wait till the post
finds out about this.

Hey, Bilko's got hair.

Bilko has hair!

Water's all ready for
your shampoo, Sarge.

Shampoo... what
a beautiful word.

Thought I'd never...
Shampoo, shampoo.

Quickly. You know my temper.

When I have hair, I go crazy.

All righty.

This is what I've been
waiting for for years.

Good old shampoo.

Tony Curtis, watch out.

Careful now, they're
very young hairs.

Now I got to get this
shampoo rubbed in.

All right, give me
the water now.

- Here we go.
- All right.

- Rinse, rinse, rinse.
- Gently, gently, gently.

Gently, attaboy.

That's a good boy.

All right, okay, that's fine.

Okay, all right, now.

Towel, towel,
towel. Towel, towel.

Come on, towel. Quickly, towel.

- Sarge?
- Yes?

Hensh, you tell him.

- Come on, boys, towel, towel.
- No, you tell him.

Tell me what?

Sarge, look in the mirror.

I... I'm a blonde.

There was something
in that shampoo.

There was a bleach in
it. I'll sue that company...

Sarge, Sarge, you ain't got any.

I ain't... I ain't
got... Wha...?

My hair.

Rocco, my hair.

Hensh, my-my hair.

Where's my hair?

Here it is, Sarge.

It was just going
down the drain.

Gee, that's-that's
kind of funny, isn't it?

Don't you get it?

It's a joke... "going
down the drain."

"Hair today, gone tomorrow."

It's funny, you
know what I mean?

- Aw, Sarge.
- It's all right, Ernie.

I deserve it.

You're darn
right it's all right.

I deserve it.

My vanity got the best of me.

It clouded all my
thoughts. Vanity.

Let that be a lesson
to you. You-You're...

you're susceptible when
you got vanity in you.

I should have known.

Now I remember
now, in the barbershop.

Just falling asleep...
That idiot's giggle.

I remember. I
thought I was being...

But Sarge, who would do
anything like this to you?

Hey, Sarge, Sowici, Pendleton
and Grover are outside.

There's your answer.

I told them about your hair.

They want to see it.

Sarge, your hair!

Paparelli, you
didn't see anything.

I still got hair,
you understand?

Don't say a word.
I'm trusting you.

This is an order... say
nothing to anybody. Out of here.

- Come on, quick, my hat. Quick.
- Clean your glasses.

Wait, let me get rid of this.

And watch that. Get
that and dry it out.

Dry it out. I'm going to
have use for that again.

- You understand?
- All right, Sarge. I got it.

- How do I look? All right?
- Yeah. -Fine.

Give me a comb. A
comb, a brush, anything.

Right.

- Here, a brush.
- All right, brush.

Ernie, we heard
the wonderful news.

Oh, did you?

A full head of
genuine hair, huh?

Eh, it's kind of a
kick at that, isn't it?

- Gets in the comb.
- May we take a peek?

No, no, please. I want to
show it at the proper time.

Hey, fellows, I have
a wonderful idea.

Why don't we throw a big
party tonight in the dayroom?

A sort of an unveiling,
so the whole world

- can see Ernie's hair.
- Ah, gee.

Gosh, that is a
splendid idea, Andrew.

Party for me, fellas?

Gee, it chokes me
all up, you know?

We'll invite everybody.

- Ah.
- Yeah, yeah. The officers,

- the whole camp!
- Yeah, we'll even have the guys

come back from furlough,
because this is something

I don't want anybody to miss.

Oh, Grover, please.

Ernie, he's so carried away
with happiness about you,

he just can't keep it in.

You know, I really
misjudged you guys.

- You're really friends.
- Oh, Ernie.

Ernie, your happiness is ours.

Oh, that's swell.
But I got to run.

I got some big
news to tell Tony.

You can understand
that... Big news for Tony.

See you later,
fellas. Excuse me.

- He fell for it.
- Yeah... we did it!

Can you see him
now standing out there,

taking off his hat,
showing that phony hair,

and then I come
along and tear it off?!

- Bald head!
- I stomp on it.

Oh, that bald head!

Rocco, you make
sure everybody's there.

- Understand?
- Right.

- Ernie!
- He went thataway.

Go on, go on, go on.

Ernie, I got to talk to you.

My, my, what a difference
a little head of hair makes.

- Now you're crawling, huh?
- Don't be ridiculous.

That has nothing to
do with the way I feel.

Nothing, huh? Now
that I have a head of hair,

you're following
me all over the post,

but when I was like
this, nothing, huh?

Ernie, you... you... That's it.

That's the way it is.

Oh, Ernie.

It doesn't make any difference.

- It doesn't?
- It's the same old Ernie.

Now, listen... you stay
right here, and I'll get my hat,

and you'll take me for a
cup of coffee to the PX.

Okay. Oh, oh, no, no, no.

I got to meet the fellas.
This is very important.

- It's a crap game.
- No, no, no.

- It's a poker session.
- Will you listen?

It's a pool tournament.

- I know it!
- Will you listen? Now, trust me!

You just be at the
dayroom at 8:00,

and you'll see what I mean.

Be there.

The same old Ernie.

280, 285, 290, 295, 300.

- Just right.
- $300?

Thank you, Mr. Minelli.

Get ready to send
more chemicals.

Boy, looks like you
got something big.

Big? "Big," he says.

A million dollars!

- Tony, I got to see you right away.
- Sergeant?

- Sergeant, take off your hat.
- Come here, come here, Tony.

I wanna...

Let me look, Sergeant.
Please, let me look.

Look, would you
stop a minute, Tony?!

Listen to me!

Prepare yourself for a shock.

I knew it.

I knew it was too
good to be true.

- It was too good to be true.
- It was so beautiful.

It was too young to die.

Look, Tony, it never
died, it never happened.

It was a practical joke.

Practical joke?

$300... my life saving.

I bought solutions, bottles.

Sarge, 300 bucks. Them dirty...

All right, all right,
I'll take care of this.

You're going to get
your money back.

Don't worry about it.

Those mis... $300, huh?

I want you to bottle
300 bottles of that stuff.

We're going to sell
them at a dollar apiece.

- You'll get your money back.
- Shame on you, Sergeant Bilko.

We can't do that to people.

We ain't going
to do it to people.

We're going to sell it to
Sowici, Pendleton and Grover.

Sell it or no, they're going
to plead with me to buy it.

- But Sergeant...
- You leave it to...

Now, do what I tell you.
300 bottles, you understand?

- 300?
- Yes.

Here it is, Sarge.
I used a hair dryer.

All right, here.

- Help me with this.
- Right.

- Everything all set up?
- All set.

Wait a minute. You better
make that 350 bottles.

After what you went through,
you deserve a small profit.

We'll fix those creeps.

Oh, tangle with
Bilko, will they? Ho-ho!

350 bottles. Do as you're told.

Are they in the dayroom?

- All set, Sarge.
- Give me my hat. All right.

Everything's going
to be all right, Tony.

And so, we're all
together this afternoon

to show you that those rumors

you've been hearing
around the post are all true.

And we're gathered
here this afternoon

to honor one of our pals,

a man who is finally
getting what he deserves,

your friend and
mine, Ernie Bilko!

- Thanks a lot.
- Come on, Ernie.

- Take off your hat.
- All right.

How about that!

Gee, fellas, gals, I don't
know what to say to you.

Oh, we understand, Ernie.

And I have been
appointed to bare the facts.

Now, now, I know how you feel.

You're anxious to share
this happiness with me.

And, after all,
when you consider

the things I pulled
off on you guys...

Well, we may pull
something off on you, too.

Well, I want to thank
you all for all your interest

in this thing and
everything, but...

I also want to apologize,

because Tony and
I... Tony, especially,

who thought of this
wonderful concoction of his...

Well, we know it's
going to make millions

- when we put it on the market.
- On the market?

Yeah, but I must
apologize to all of you...

We can't let you in on it.

We have decided only the people

who really need money
and need it badly can be in it.

And so that's why we have
the wonderful Widow Parker...

The grand old lady
who does our laundry...

She's putting her entire
life savings into this.

And you all know Gus Miller...

The blind newsboy
who we love so...

He's putting all
his money into this.

Ernie, you talked those people
into putting money into that?

$350 worth.

Talked them into it?

I didn't have to
talk to them at all.

This talked for me.

Ernie, Ernie, the Widow Parker?

- Gus Miller?
- Yeah.

They got to get
their money back!

Oh, they will.

The first 350 bottles we
sell at a dollar a bottle,

they'll get their money back.

But Ernie, what if
they lose their money?

Yeah. S-Suppose
it was all a trick.

A trick?

How could it be a trick?

I mean, who would do a thing...?

Whoever it was who would...

would pull a
trick like this, well,

he'd be torn to pieces.

I mean, anybody who
would trick a dear old widow

and a blind man...
It couldn't be.

- I mean, it's a wonderful...
- Er...

- I'm so happy for these people.
- Ernie?

350 bottles?

Yes, at a dollar a bottle.

Oh, they'll get their
money back, I'm sure,

- because...
- I'll take 100 bottles.

- Yeah, me, too.
- I'll take 100, too, Ernie.

Say, this is
awfully nice of you.

Isn't that wonderful?

Isn't that swell of them
to buy the first three...?

Oh, there was 350 bottles.

That leaves 50 bottles left.

Well, we'll-we'll cover it.

- There's 20 more.
- 20?

- Yeah, I'll take 20 more.
- Ten.

Oh, that's 300 and...
Oh, they'll be so happy,

and this will be a
wonderful thing for them.

I want to thank you.

It was awfully nice of you boys.

- Rocco. Yo.
- Yo! Excuse me.

- You know where to get this, and to whom?
- Yes.

On the double.

Aren't they swell to
do a thing like this?

- Aren't they, really?
- Yeah.

Ernie, this cost
us a lot of money.

But I got news for you.

We're going to
get the last laugh.

Oh, are you, really?

Yep, because we know
something that you don't know,

but we want to show
everybody here right now.

You mean this?

Yo, Bilko!

Elisabeth Fraser

appeared as Sergeant Hogan.

Sergeant Pendleton

was portrayed by Ned
Glass, Sergeant Grover

by Jimmy Little,

Sergeant Sowici by Harry Clark.