The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 1, Episode 27 - The Big Uranium Strike - full transcript

♪♪

Well, I must say I'm
shocked, Miss Vasey,

utterly shocked, to think
such a worthwhile cause

as these dances I run for the
morale of the American soldier...

Our boys... Should
go unpublicized.

Mr. Bender says you get enough
free publicity after the dances

with the complaints from
the suckers who went.

Well, that hurt.

I must say, that
hurt, Miss Vasey.

If it was your
intention to hurt me,

you've done a bang-up job of it.



Well, it's easy to see there's
no sentiment anymore...

It's a commercial world.

Very well, I'll take an ad.

An ad? Oh, well,
that's different.

- Now, what are your rates?
- $200 a page.

It comes to $1.35 an inch.

All right, now,
uh, take this down.

Fun, fun, fun!

Sergeant Bilko's eighth
annual Hollywood dance!

Come one, come all!

Dance with your favorite
movie stars Saturday night

at the Fort Baxter
Recreation Center.

All your stars will be there...

Marilyn Monroe, Lana Turner,
Ava Gardner, Susan Hayward,



Gina Lollobrigida...
They'll all be there...

if they can make it.

That's good.
Now, you got it all.

That'll bring 'em in fine.

Uh, how much space do you want?

- One inch.
- One inch?

You can't get all
this in one inch.

Well, let's not...
let's not crack up.

We'll prune it down;
it's very simple.

Let me see, what do I cut?

Oh. They will come
if they can make it.

If they can make it.

Cut that out; that'll
save us some space.

Give me a red
border line around it,

and that'll feature
it on the page.

But, Sergeant Bilko,

promising all
those movie stars...

We can't run a
misleading advertisement.

Misleading advertisement?
Miss Vasey, let me assure you,

I have written to
every star on that list.

And I might tell you that each
one of them has answered me.

Well, what did they say?

Oh, that's gonna be the
highlight of the dance,

when I open the letters.

Really, Sergeant Bilko!

But look, you're becoming...

Please, please,
let's not fall apart.

We'll change a lot of
things if it's too long.

Gina Lollobrigida...
We'll take that out.

Oh, this is gonna kill Doberman.

I'll work on it. I'll fix it up.

This way, everybody.
In here, please.

- Outside, please, Miss Vasey.
- But, Mr. Bender...

Outside, please,
and lock the door.

Uh, Mr. Bender, if you think
you can keep the fact that

we found uranium on Mr. and
Mrs. Harris's farm a secret...

Now, look, Carter,
this is a scoop.

If we can just keep it quiet

till my paper comes
out on Monday.

- Okay.
- All right, wonderful!

I want a picture of the
presentation of the check.

- Oh, fine.
- All right, now,

I want a nice pose there.

That's good. Now,
remember, everybody happy.

Remember it's for $10,000.

So smile.

Bigger smile.

Bilko! Of all people to know!

Mr. Bender, believe
me, I didn't hear a thing.

- Good!
- This Harris farm,

that adjoins Fort
Baxter, doesn't it?

Bilko! May I have a few
details for my story, please?

Oh, yes, of course.

We get indications,
Geiger indications,

of uranium coming
down to here...

and... coming out here.

And all this area in the middle.

That's Fort Baxter, 2,500 acres.

Who can get on that?

Yeah, who?

Uh... Mr. Huff, I'd like
to speak to you a minute.

- Yes?
- Now, watch yourself, Huff.

If I know Bilko, he'll have your
Geiger counter before you leave!

♪♪

Hey, it's a Geiger counter!

You woke us up in
the middle of the night

- to show us a Geiger counter?
- You woke us up...

Let's get one thing
straight right away!

This is purely and simply
a volunteer operation.

If there are any of you
men who do not wish

to become millionaires in a
few weeks, you're free to go.

- The door goes both ways!
- But what is it, Sarge?

- What's the deal, Sarge?
- All right.

Now, listen.

I'll tell you what the deal is.

It means a million
dollars apiece!

It's always a million dollars!

Why isn't it just a
hundred thousand,

so when it falls through,
we don't lose so much?

I'm warning... Oh, door.

It's Doberman, Sarge.
I caught him in time.

Sarge, I got to
go on guard duty!

This'll only take a minute.

Now, men, this
is it in a nutshell.

Somewhere on Fort Baxter

is one of the largest uranium
deposits in the country.

- Uranium?!
- Uranium!

So what? It's government
property, ain't it?

Not after we get it condemned
and buy it up at public auction

at a few cents an acre.

Huh? Don't worry, I been
working on this all afternoon!

- Sarge, are you sure?
- Now, look,

during the night, somebody's
got to carry this Geiger counter

on every square inch, every
square inch of Fort Baxter

until this starts clicking.

- During the night?
- Yes.

They're sure gonna
get suspicious

if they see somebody walking
around the post in pitch dark

with that strapped around 'em.

He could get shot by
a guy on guard duty.

Not if this thing
is being carried

by the guy on guard duty.

But, Sarge, why does it
always have to be me?

Why is it you? Because
you're the heart of the platoon.

Strap that on him.

And because if this were
strapped to anybody else,

it would look
suspicious; it would sag.

On you, one more thing sagging,
what difference does it make?

Oh, it's nothing against you,

it's your personality
that counts.

Now, look, I want
you during the night

to cover every inch,

and when that
thing starts to click,

throw your bayonet
into the ground

raise your right hand and say,

"I claim this land in the
name of Sergeant Ernest Bilko

"and the men of
the Third Platoon

Company B Mining Corporation."

- I claim this land...
- All right! Go.

Go, Columbus, and
find us a new land!

Men, that'll take
him about two hours.

- Two hours!
- Yeah.

Relish these two
hours, gentlemen.

It's your last two hours
among the have-nots.

Yeah...

I can't understand it.

Saturday night, and not
a light in Bilko's barracks.

Not a sound.

It's midnight, John, two
hours after lights-out.

I still can't believe that
those are crickets out there

and not the clicking
of a Bilko crap game.

- Good night, John.
- Good night, dear.

Ah, so quiet.

So peaceful.

I wonder what he's up to.

Sarge, it's 4:00.

He's been gone four hours.

I knew he'd get lost
in that pitch-dark.

Dillingham, Kadowski,
fan out over the whole area.

Combat scout
procedure... Find him!

Sarge, I found Doberman!

They got him? Come here.

Doberman! Doberman!

Did you find it?
Did you find it?

It's too much for
him; he's overcome.

Get me that brandy
bottle from the survival kit.

Doberman, did you
find it? Can you tell us?

Does it start with a "U"?

Where-where did you find it?

Show us on the map.
Point to it with your nose.

Where? Give me that brandy.

Here.

You all right? Okay?

Uh-huh? Can you talk to us now?

You got something to tell us?

Tell us.

Sarge, my feet hurt!

Feet?! That's a sneaky
way to get a drink of brandy!

Now, listen!

- You get back out there...
- What's the use, Sarge?

Sarge, he'll only
get lost again.

- It's impossible, Sarge.
- All right, all right, quiet!

There's one way to
do this... We got to do it

like a military operation,
you understand?

Hey, can you fix him up so
we can spot him at any time?

- Sure. Yeah.
- You can do that? Good.

I want you to
arrange him that way.

Now, look, Kadowski
and you, get in that jeep,

get to the Signal Corp,
and bring me every type

of signal equipment you
can get, on the double.

And the rest of you guys will
all be on observation posts.

I'll run the whole detail.

At all moments, all eyes...

right on Doberman.

♪♪

John! What is it?

It was a jeep, without lights.

Oh.

Probably the
corporal of the guard.

Yes, I-I suppose so.

John, don't be so edgy.

Well, I'm sorry, dear.

It's so peaceful, so
quiet that I can't sleep.

All right, let's try it.

Good. Palmer, you're a genius!

I just hooked it
up to the activator.

So when the Geiger
counter starts clicking,

the light will flash.

And the fuss they
made about Edison, huh?

Now, look, it's
all in your hands.

We're gonna keep in
constant communication.

Be sure and use your
walkie-talkie, all right?

Point him the way to go.

All you guys,
observation points. Go on.

Paparelli, stand by.
Stand by, Paparelli.

On the roof. Watch
it, he's leaving.

Alert all posts.

Attention all posts,
attention all posts,

he's just left the barracks.

Attention all mobile
units, attention, he has left.

Keep him in
constant observation.

The minute that light goes
on, swoop down on him.

Bilko to Doberman,
Bilko to Doberman.

- Doberman to Bilko.
- All right, now, listen,

we've got you
pinpointed on the map.

Now, you should be
approaching the rifle pits.

- Sarge, I can't see a thing.
- Never mind!

Just pay attention
to directions.

Now, start zigzagging,
which should bring you,

to the parade grounds.

Can you see the parade grounds?

- No, too many trees.
- Too many tree...

Trees on the parade
ground? He's lost!

Listen! We lost you!

Now, wait a second, there's
something wrong here.

Now, we'll... we're
gonna pinpoint you again,

we'll start you over.

All right, now, tell
me, where are you?

I'm right here.

Here? Where is here? Where?!

Here.

Listen, Doberman,

- you still got the rifle?
- Yeah.

All right, is the
safety click off?

- Safety is off, Sarge.
- All right, now,

aim the rifle in the
center of your forehead...

Sarge! Sarge, he'll do it!

Come on, he knows I'm kidding.

Now, look, we're gonna
start you all over again.

Should I put the
rifle down, Sarge?

Wait a minute, Sarge, look,
he said he saw some trees.

Look over here alongside
of Hanson's Creek.

- See in the bivouac area?
- Right. Attention, Doberman,

now, listen to me closely.

You're in the direction
of Hanson's Creek.

Stay away from there. Danger.

Stay away from Hanson's Creek.

Now, to the left ten paces,

you should run right into the
corner of the parade grounds.

Ten paces left!

One... two... three...
four... Aaah...!

I heard a splash.

- What is it?
- I heard a splash.

Wait a minute, he fell in!

Doberman! Listen,
Doberman, Australian crawl.

One, two, three, kick,
one, two, three, kick...

Attention all emergency units,

ambulances, ride
over to Hanson's Creek,

get him out of
there, get him out...

Post seven, you're the closest.

Send up flares, send up flares.

Attention, if you
lose each other,

fire rifles into the air
to relocate each other.

♪♪

John! What is it?!

What does that
look like, a firefly?

Get me the
corporal of the guard!

Corporal! Get me the
man on guard duty!

Doberman? Bilko's man?

Send me Bilko, too.

I knew he was involved in this.

They way you jump to conclusions
about that nice Sergeant Bilko.

I'll handle this, Nell.

- Come in.
- Colonel Hall.

Sir, it's nice of you to
ask me to drop in, sir.

- Never mind.
- Give me a commanding officer

who takes time out to chat
with the enlisted man, sir.

Bilko, what's been
going on out there?

Well, I... Oh, I beg
your pardon, miss.

Who is this pretty young thing?

Oh, Colonel, if your
wife ever finds out...

- Bilko, not now.
- Oh-ho-ho, bless my soul,

it is Mrs. Hall.

And the fuss they
make about Grace Kelly!

Oh, you better watch out,

they'll start calling
you "Prince."

Bilko!

Oh, the phone.

Oh, well, take it in
the bedroom, Nell.

If it's a man, I'll
keep him occupied.

- Bilko!
- Oh... she's a lot of fun.

Bilko, what's been going on?

Ambulances, gunfire, flares!

- Oh, you noticed it, sir.
- Did I notice it?

No wonder the Army
can sleep safely at night

with a commanding
officer alert to all details, sir.

Bilko, let's have it.

Sir, I'm guilty.

Guilty of having
a conscience, sir.

You, a conscience?

Yes, sir, you see,

I went over the records
for the past eight years,

saw we've been goofing
off on night maneuvers

and I'm making it
all up tonight, sir!

Bilko... it's 4:00
in the morning.

John, it's General
Bufkin at Camp Crowley.

He saw the flares!

He wonders if you need any help.

General Bufkin?
How can I explain it?

Well, just tell him we made
a mistake in the calendar,

we thought it was the
Chinese New Year, so...

Doberman! Where...

The colonel wanted to see him.

Oh, yes, we have
a way of dealing

with soldiers who go
for midnight swims.

I'll take care of
this, Corporal.

- I'll wait outside.
- You're a bad soldier, but...

Where were you?!

- Sarge, my feet!
- Stop with the feet!

You got to get out of here
before the colonel sees you.

He looks at you, he'll think
that flying saucers have landed.

You know where
the kitchen door is?

Get out the kitchen door,
through the back way,

back to the barracks...
On the double!

Sarge!

Shh. Quiet.

I heard it.

Come back this way.

Hold it!

We found it!

- We found it!
- We found it!

Wait till I turn it off.

That's it, the vent
to the basement.

That's where the uranium
is, under the basement!

- We're rich! We're rich!
- Shh.

Say it softly with me.

- We're rich, we're rich.
- We're rich, we're rich.

Oh, I knew it would
happen like this.

In the dead of night,

with a stalwart
companion at my side.

We're... let's hear it again.

Did you hear that, Doberman?

It was playing our song.

Now, look, keep this quiet,
just tell the guys in the barracks.

On the double, out
the kitchen door.

Don't let anybody see you.

Tell the guys to be alerted
with picks and shovels.

- On the double.
- Right.

- Bilko! - Bilko... oh...
- Bilko! - Sir.

What was that bleeping?

Bleeping?

- Yes, that bleeping.
- Ble...

I didn't want to tell you, sir.

Termites.

- Termites?
- Yes.

The entire house is
infested with them, sir.

I'm gonna see Captain Shaw
the first thing in the morning

to get this place condemned
and sold at a public auction.

- Condemned?
- What the public don't know

won't hurt them, sir.

They've been rooking us
long enough, don't you think?

We'll condemn this place,

build you a new place
up on Observatory Hill.

A ranch house.

- A ranch house?
- Oh, I see you in a ranch...

It's perfect for you,
your wife will love it.

With a big wagon
wheel on the lawn, sir.

Lariats hanging on the...

Oh, it's for you, sir.

♪ A horse and a
man that rides him. ♪

Yes, sir.

♪♪

81... that's incredible.

You want me to condemn area 81

- because of termites?
- Why, yes, sir.

It's very dangerous for the...
That's why the... you know?

Well, that section includes
the colonel's house.

The Col... Oh, I must
hurry and warn him, sir.

- Bilko.
- Why, sir,

there may be nothing left
but the colonel's buttons.

Bilko, are you insane?

Well, sir, I read in the...

I read in the army manual
there was a Camp Harlow, sir,

- Oh, that.
- That was evacuated overnight,

when it was condemned.

Yes. They discovered it
was sinking into quicksand.

That was something else.

Quicksand.

Oh, that is something else.

Well, sir, I must
reassure the colonel.

Thank you, sir.

Yes, Captain, the bridge
game is on as usual.

See you.

Come on.

- Colonel Hall, sir.
- Oh, what is it, Bilko?

I have some very
reassuring news, sir.

I just came from Captain Shaw's.

He assures me there are
no termites in this house.

No termites.

Yes, the one thing termites
will stay away from, sir,

and that's quicksand.

- Quicksand?
- Oh, it slipped out.

Sir, I didn't want you to know.

Pay no... ooh!

There it goes.
It's sagging, sir.

- Bilko.
- Oh, no.

- What's the matter?
- Nothing.

Forget anything I said, sir.

I don't... Bilko.

- Isn't that unusual, sir?
- What, what is it?

Nothing, sir.

It usually goes straight down.

So, wasn't this once
a two-story house?

Bilko, are you all right?

Oh, yes.

Just worried about you
and your beloved wife, sir.

And believe me, if
anything goes wrong,

run up to the roof,
sir, ring this bell.

My men are alerted, sir.

- Ring this bell?
- And please, sir,

no false heroics. I
know how you are.

You'll want to go
down with the house.

Don't do it, sir.

We need you here, sir.

Bilko, you need a rest.

- No, sir.
- Now, listen...

A rest when you're
in danger, sir?

I have my men alerted.

Their trucks will evacuate
you in 20 minutes, sir.

- Nonsense.
- We'll get everything...

All we want is you
out of the house.

So, the basement.

- We need...
- Bilko, this is Sunday.

This is my bridge night.
I don't leave the house.

But, sir, we just need a
few hours in the basement.

I don't leave the house.

But, sir, it's for your own...

- I don't leave the house.
- You don't leave the house.

You don't leave the house, sir.

I-I know that.

You, you never leave the house.

Hello, Camp Crowley,

this is Sergeant
Bilko at Fort Baxter.

Let me talk to your commanding
officer, General Bufkin.

- You got the picks and shovels?
- Right, Sarge.

Look, Sarge, we can't dig
in the colonel's basement

while him and his
wife are in the house.

Please, please.

The colonel and his
wife are going out tonight.

Hello?

General Bufkin?

Sir, this is Sergeant
Bilko at Fort Baxter.

Would the general
mind calling Colonel Hall

and telling the colonel
when the colonel and his wife

are expected at your
house for dinner tonight?

Dinner tonight?!

Hold on, Sergeant.

- Elsie.
- Yes, my dear?

You know this is
my night to bowl.

You didn't tell me that
you invited the Halls

for dinner tonight.

- The Halls for dinner tonight?
- Yes.

Oh, dear, did I forget?

Oh, you always forget.

Thank you, Sergeant.
I'll let him know.

Now we're stuck with the Halls.

He'll insist on doing his
barnyard imitations again.

Sometimes I wonder.

Hello?

General Bufkin?

Say, Jack, is 7:30 all right?

Fine.

7:30?

Yes.

We'll serve dinner at 8:00.

Dinner?

Uh, excuse me a minute, General.

- Nell?
- Yes, dear?

You didn't tell me the Bufkins
expected us for dinner tonight.

You know this is
my bridge night.

- Dinner?
- Yes.

And he'll start insisting

on my doing those
barnyard imitations again.

Elsie did mention our
getting together, but if...

But we're stuck.

7:30, fine. We'll be there.

Well, glad you remembered.

Remembered? Why, we've been
looking forward to it for weeks.

Uh, dress uniform?

Of course.

Dress uniform.

Of all the nights to
have to go to the Bufkins'.

Come in.

Sir, staff car is waiting.

Magnificent, sir.

Magnificent.

Why, in France, your
tailor would be knighted, sir.

Personally, I would've
liked a belt in the back.

It would've been...
Oh, turn off that beauty.

- Oh.
- It's too much.

- Let's go, Nell.
- Go and have fun.

Have lots of fun.

And remember, right
to the General's house.

No stopping in Lovers' Lane.

Don't worry, I'll lock up.

Have fun.

Down.

- Okay, Sarge.
- Down.

Get down there.

Come on.

You know what to do.

Turn that off!

Now keep all those things up.

What's the use, Sarge?

- Shut up. We're too close to quit now.
- Close to what?

We got a six-foot hole
and it's still concrete.

Turn that off!

All we need is a
specimen of the dirt

to show Mr. Huff and we're home.

Hello, Construction Corps. Let
me talk to Sergeant Peterson.

Oh, hello, Sarge.

This-this is Bilko.

I'm in a spot.

I need some small
demolition charges.

Dynamite? Look, Sarge,

we got a six-foot hole
in that basement...

Will you be quiet?

This house is practically
condemned now.

You got 'em?

Good. I'll send
Rocco right over for it.

Look, Sarge, dynamite...

Now pick me up
some picks and shovels

on the double.

That's it, boys.

The minute that
dynamite goes up...

And there it is.

- Right at our feet.
- Uranium!

- A million dollars.
- A private yacht.

- The Riviera.
- Orthopedic shoes.

Come on, come on, go ahead.

Why, John, you forgot
to turn the lights off.

Who cares?

I'll call Captain Shaw and tell
him the bridge game is on again.

Oh, I think it's a shame

that General Bufkin was called
away so suddenly to Washington.

- Don't you?
- Yes, isn't it?

Captain Shaw.

Look alive, you guys down there.

Come on, hustle.

The colonel may
be back any minute.

Hello, Sergeant
Peterson, did Rocco get...

- Never mind he's here.
- Come on, let's go.

- Come on. Yeah.
- Did you get it?

Let's move it, move it, move.

Come on, come on. Move, move.

Now listen, you guys.

Now hear this.

We got all the
demolition charges.

You've all got detail.

Now we gotta work fast.

You gotta put this over...

Bilko!

Hello, sir.

You're back rather
early, aren't you, sir?

Well?

General, I know just
what you're thinking, sir.

- You do?
- You're thinking...

What did you do to deserve
this love and devotion

from the men under you, sir.

- I am?
- John?

- Oh, Sergeant Bilko!
- Lovely, lovely!

Bilko!

Now, what's going on here?

I've...

Please, don't be alarmed.

It's just the beating of some
hearts anxious to please.

- That's all.
- Bilko, I want to go...

Know what's going
on in my basement.

Sir, it's just the
expression of love

from the men under you, sir.

Bilko, I want to know what the
men under me are doing under me.

Oh, does he put words together.

"The men under me doing..."

- He is funny.
- Quiet!

You admit that, he's funny.

Quiet.

Well, sir, I was gonna
keep this as a surprise,

but you might as well know.

The men, as a token
for their esteem for you

in their own time,

are taking your
unfinished basement

and turning it into
a game room, sir.

- Game room.
- Yes, sir.

I know it doesn't
seem like much to you,

but it is the expression
of love from all of us.

I mean, are we rich?

Can we lay gold and
silver at your feet?

No.

All we can offer

is the honest
sweat of our brows,

and these eager hands.

A meager gift perhaps,
but it's all we have.

All we have to show
you our extreme love

and devotion to you.

John, that's the most
beautiful thing I ever heard.

Bilko...

I'll always remember
this moment.

Bilko, what is that?

Oh, isn't it thrilling?

They're putting in
the Ping-Pong table.

- The Ping-Pong table?
- Yes, sir.

You see, they had to lower
the basement quite a few inches

You know those overhand
smashes of yours, sir.

After all it wouldn't look nice.

A commanding officer
with no knuckles.

Bilko, I'm going to play bridge.

And you're gonna join us.

- Oh, good.
- Oh, sir, no, the men...

- The men need me, sir.
- That's an order.

But, sir, I... Look
alive down there.

Let's not dig too deep.

We don't want to give
the colonel the bends.

Yes.

They may run into that
radioactivity down there.

You may run into
the radioactivity,

because the colonel is back.

Radioactivity, sir?

Yes, the overalls.

Yes, those ov...
overalls, you know.

- - Sir... what overalls?

I thought you knew.

During the war, they had
some atomic tests here.

And they took the
workmen's overalls

that had any
radioactivity in them

as shown on the Geiger
tester and, uh, buried them.

Under 15-feet of concrete.

It's, uh...

it's your bid, Nell.

One club.

Uh, four spades.

Oop!

Oh, it's all right, Corporal,
I know all about it.

When will the
playroom be finished?

- Playroom?
- Yeah, you know the playroom.

You know, all you gotta
do is fill in the holes,

even out the panel, you know.

- Get the Ping-Pong table in.
- Ping-Pong table?

Yeah, it's the one we're
getting from Company A.

Yeah, go, come on,
get... What's that? Oil?

Yeah, that's what I've
been trying to tell you.

- She! Oil?
- Oil.

It's coming up... Get
back there and dig.

Dig. Dig!

- Dig?
- Oh, yes, sir.

I thought while we're at it,
we'll give you a swimming pool.

Nothing like a nice dip

after those hours at
the Ping-Pong table.

Oh, I hope they
don't hit that pipeline.

Pipeline?

Yes, they ran a pipeline of oil
under here to the powerhouse.

I can't remember when I
played three-handed bridge.

Yes, it's been years since
we've played with a dummy.

Colonel... you're
playing with one tonight.

Also in tonight's cast

Hope Sansbury
appeared as Mrs. Hall.