The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 1, Episode 26 - Furlough in New York - full transcript

Ernie and Joan decide it's a good idea to take a break from each other. They head off to New York hoping to rekindle old friendships and romances. But all does not run smoothly.

Now, remember,
Billie, while I'm gone,

I want you to get
those daily work reports

on the colonel's desk
every morning at 0900.

- Check. -Okay.
- You sure don't give warning.

Out of the blue, you're
off on a 15-day furlough.

Shh. Quiet. I told you not to
breathe a word about my leaving

till I'm safely on that
train to New York.

Don't worry. Sergeant
Bilko won't find out.

What's the matter? You
afraid he'll get a furlough, too,

and follow you to New York?

Oh, now, don't
get me wrong, girls.



I'm crazy about
Ernie... You know that...

But let's face it, I see
him every day in the year.

Dates, dances, picnics.

Ernie and I, Ernie and I.

I owe it to him to get
away... For his sake.

Yeah, for his sake.

I have friends in New
York I haven't seen in years.

I want to spend
some time with them.

- Men.
- Men.

You girls don't
seem to understand.

These are merely friends.

I owe it to them to call them.

- Sure.
- I'll check you out, Sarge.

You going to stay with those
two schoolgirl chums of yours?



Millie and Fern?

Not unless I'm desperate.

Well, there it is.

Now I'll take these furlough
papers to the colonel,

- and then I'm off.
- I'll see if I can wrangle a jeep

- to take you to the station.
- Good.

All clear, Sarge.

She ain't here.

Wowee, Ernie, a 15-day
furlough to New York.

Quiet!

Not a word till
I'm safely seated

at that ringside table
at the Latin Quarter.

Here, Fender.

Have Lieutenant Anderson
okay that trip ticket.

Fender, where's
Kadowski with the jeep?

- He'll be here. He'll be here.
- Okay.

I don't get it, Sarge...
All this secrecy

and hush-hush about
going on a furlough.

I've heard guys make more
noise getting ready to desert.

Do you believe this?

Do you b... Look at these two.

Don't you understand?

If Joan finds I'm
going to New York,

she'll want to tag along.

Yeah, but, Sarge,
you and Joan are...

Yeah, ha-ha!

That's it... me and Joan.

Me and... look.

Me and Joan swimming.

Me and Joan playing tennis.

Me and Joan at
the platoon picnic.

Me and Joan!

We're getting to look
like Eddie and Debbie.

Gee, Ernie, I thought
you were crazy about her.

I am crazy about
her, but look, fellas,

even the oldest horses like
to nuzzle in new pastures.

And may I say something,
with this little list,

gentlemen, when
I get to New York,

there's going to be
some very fine nuzzling.

Wow. Look at that
list of phone numbers.

- Linda...
- Huh?

Mimi, Yvonne, Lola.

I don't like this, Sarge...

Two-timing a
nice girl like Joan.

You don't like it.
Sir Walter Raleigh!

Who's two-timing?

I'm sharing the wealth.

You know these poor girls
haven't seen me in five years?

Five years without Bilko.

Can you imagine
what that's like?

We haven't had the pleasure.

Oh, the groanings of a
man who married too young.

Madeline, Greta,
Linda, Amalia, Carol,

- Zsa Zsa...
- Stop! Stop! Stop.

You're frightening me.

Five years without Bilko.

Can you imagine
what they're like now?

They're nothing but
snarling, clawing savages.

Thank heavens I have Blue Cross.

Hey, Sarge, all those girls?

Oh, that's just a few.

There were hundreds! Look.

See that? How do
you think I got that way?

From worry? No.

That's from giving away locks.

I gave away so many, it
did something to the roots.

He's not kidding.

Cynthia, Selma,
Phyllis... Oh, oh! Phyllis?

- Scratch that out.
- What's the matter with Phyllis?

That's the one I
left standing in front

of Radio City Music
Hall five years ago.

Remind me to stay away
from Rockefeller Center.

She may be still
waiting with a gun.

Hey, there's
Kadowski with the jeep.

On the double. Oh, here.

You, keep the football
raffles going till I get back.

- Right, Sarge.
- And you, any of the boys

want some privacy, rent
my room... the usual rates.

Right, Sarge. Is
there anything else?

No, I just got to get
the colonel to okay this,

and then it's 15 days of...

I'm leaving right away.

Yes, I'll call your sister
when I get to New York.

New York?

Oh, Ernie, I'm terribly sorry.

It's just that the furlough
came out of the blue.

- I didn't have...
- New York?

Well, don't take
it so hard, Ernie.

You had a furlough,
and you said nothing?

- Sergeant Bilko, about your furlough.
- Uh...

- Furlough?
- Uh, yes, an emergency. It just came up.

- I have to take it.
- You didn't, uh, fill in your destination.

- My destination.
- Where are you going?

Um, uh, Wyoming.

- Wyoming?
- Yes. Cheyenne, Wyoming.

There's this friend of mine,

owns a ranch right
outside of Cheyenne.

It's roundup time. He's
a little short-staffed.

I thought I would help
him. You understand.

- Of course. Of course.
- And, uh, you're going to New York?

- Well, I know...
- Uh, where will you be?

- Why?
- Well, I... I just want to...

well, I may want to
get in touch with you.

- You never know.
- Well, I haven't decided.

I mean, what
area will you be in?

Will you be in Manhattan,
the Bronx, Staten Island?

- Where?
- Well, as a matter of fact,

I changed my mind
about going to New York.

I was just going to tell you,
Lieutenant. I changed my mind.

I'm going home to
Sumter, South Carolina.

- Sumter, South Carolina?
- Yes, that's right.

Say, that's a good idea.
Might be a lot of fun.

Oh, I don't know.
It'll be pretty dull.

- Just my folks.
- Dull?

Can you imagine me
moseying along on a horse?

"Get along, little d..." Funny.

Funny!

- Well, um...
- Well...

- Bye. Bye.
- Good-bye.

Have a nice furlough.

Thank you, Lieutenant.

Say, Lieutenant,

- I would like to chan...
- Listen, I changed my...

Uh... so long.

Have fun in, uh...

- South Carolina?
- South Carolina.

And you have fun in, uh,

- um, uh...
- Uh, Alaska.

- Where?
- Uh, Wisconsin?

Uh, I don't... um...
Oh, yeah. Wyoming.

I have such a bad
sense of direction.

- Good-bye, Lieutenant.
- Good-bye.

- Bye.
- Have a nice time.

The Florida Special on track 18

for Baltimore,
Washington, Richmond

- and points south.
- It's really a lovely servicemen's center.

- I'm sure you'll enjoy yourself.
- I wonder if I'll run into

- anybody who can play chess.
- Oh, yes, there's a tournament

- every Thursday.
- ♪ Won't you come home, Bill Bailey? ♪

- Oh, thanks very much.
- ♪ Won't you come home? ♪

- Oh, Sergeant.
- Yes, miss.

We have a lovely
servicemen's center here.

There's Ping-Pong and chess.

Ping-Pong! You must be kidding.

Well, if there's
anything I can do

to help you have a good time...

Oh, I'll have a good
time. I'm all ready.

If you'll just show me
where the phone booths are.

- Oh, they're right over there.
- Thank you.

No offense... I'm just
not much for Ping-Pong.

You understand?

♪ Won't you come
home, Bill Bailey? ♪

♪ Won't you... ♪
Look alive! Hey!

- Hut, two, three, four, hut!
- I'm sorry, Sergeant.

Who's the first girl?

Ah, Linda Carlton,
you lucky girl, you.

♪ Won't you come
home, Bill Bailey? ♪

♪ Won't you come home? ♪

♪ I've been gone the
whole night through. ♪

"In case of emergency, call
Mable, Templeton-2, 1-1-2..."

Oh, how desperate can you get?

Hello, Linda,
baby, you lucky girl!

Your troubles are over.

This is, uh, dreamboat!

She don't live here
no more, dreamboat.

Oh. Thank you.

Mimi. Mimi.

Hello?

You say her phone
was disconnected?

- How long ago?
- Three years ago.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, Stanley, I
just got into town,

and I thought I'd
give you a call.

What a tough break.

Just when I'm all
packed to leave town.

- Oh, you are?
- I'm off on my honeymoon.

Oh, a honeymoon.

Oh! Well, I'm awfully
happy for you, Stanley.

Say, baby, when I get back,
maybe we can get together.

You say she moved?

Did she leave her phone number?

Yes. Will you take it down?

Yeah, go ahead.

- Central-6, 3-5-7.
- Central-6, 3-5-7.

Amarillo, Texas.

Texas?!

Do you want her zone number?

No, thank you very much.

Well, of course,
Bill, I understand.

I just called to say hello.

- Well, you know how it is, Joan.
- Oh, of course.

Taking your kids to
the circus comes first.

Well, bye.

Now, Operator, you admit

you have Miss
Peterson's phone number,

but it's unlisted and
you refuse to give it out.

May I tell you that
you're speaking

to a member of the Armed Forces?

Now, what if
there's an invasion?

I'll connect you
with Civil Defense.

No, thank you very much.

Yes. George.

George. George Baker.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

He was transferred to
Cleveland two years ago.

Cleveland?

Thank you.

No. No, no, little girl.

Don't tell your mommy
anybody called.

Thank you. Bye.

Hello? Hello, Fern?

This is Joan. Joan Hogan.

Cookie, when did
you get into town?

- Just now.
- Now, you get right over here.

You hear that, Millie?
Oh, this is wonderful.

I'll be right over.

Ernie!

Ernie!

Oh, I'm so glad you followed me!

- My name is Victor.
- Oh...!

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I thought you were my Ernie.

Sorry, Sergeant. I
got troubles of my own.

- Hello?
- H-Hello! Lola!

- Yes.
- Lola Schultz?

Baby girl, this is Ernie Bilko.

Ernie, sweetheart,
where are you?

I just got in town. You're
the first one I called.

Oh, now, Ernie, you
get right over here.

Oh, I'll cook you the best meal.

Ernie, it's been years.

Yeah, I haven't changed much.
I just learned a few new holds.

Now, you take down this address.

Go ahead. I'll take it down.

- I...
- Baby doll!

It's 12573 East 78th Street.

Apartment 12-B.

- Ernie, are you getting that?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, look at you!

After five years, the
same fascinating beast.

- Ernie, who are you talking to?
- Wait a minute, Lola.

Uh, I don't think
I can place you.

Oh, I haven't changed that much.

Come on. I've got the
limousine double-parked.

Limousine?

You're looking more
familiar every minute.

Hey, Bilko, what's
going on there?

Wait a minute, Lola.

Well, look, if you've
got something else on...

No, no, no, no.
Nothing at all...

Oh, you are something.

Limousine.

- Uh, Lola.
- Yes?

Are you still driving
that '33 Essex?

- Yes.
- Good-bye, honey, an emergen...

I'll see you around, honey.

Well, my love, shall
we go to your chariot?

Oh, Victor, Victor, gee, I...

Hold that. Victor?

- Who's Victor?
- Well, aren't you Victor?

Jane!

I'm Victor!

Oh, Victor!

Oh!

Oh, gee, Soldier,

- I'm terribly sorry, but...
- It's all right.

It's all right. These
things happen.

Honey, you look beautiful!
Got the car outside?

Lola.

- On the double! Hut, two, three, four!
- Sorry, Sergeant.

- Hello?
- Hello, Lola.

- I was only clowning.
- Drop dead.

Sore loser.

Well, back to the drawing board.

Now, now, look,
you two have dates...

We're getting you a date,
and you're coming with us.

Hello, Fern. What's up?

Uh, look, Lenny, an
old college chum of ours

- just got into town.
- How old?

Uh, stop joking.

Uh, Millie and I are
going out tonight...

And you want to stick
me with this blind date?

Sorry, Fern.

See you round. Bye.

Try Bill Harmon.

- Oh, don't bother.
- Uh...

Hello. Is this
Hershkowitz's Candy Store?

Look, will you run
upstairs and tell Rhoda

that Ernie Bilko
is on the phone?

Sorry. She moved four years ago.

Thank you.

But, Bill, what about
your roommate?

Bob? He's got a date, too.

Sorry. Bye.

Operator, will you try?

I'm scraping the
bottom of the barrel.

I'm sorry.

There's no answer.

Well, that does it.

Oh, Operator, what
are you doing tonight?

I'm sorry, sir.

We do not give
out that information.

Thank you very much.

That's real friendly of you.

Well, that really does it.

Hello, Mable, I'm
a stranger in town.

Hello, stranger. This
is the fire department.

Big joke!

Sweetheart!

Oh!

It's really you!

Victor went that way.

Victor? Ernie Bilko,
don't you recognize me?

- Phyllis!
- Phyllis!

Oh, you dirty dog, you
didn't even write once!

Oh, I can hardly believe it!

Oh, Sam! You wonderful guy!

Who's Sam?

You know, I
shouldn't talk to you

the way you left me standing

in front of the
Music Hall that day!

Oh, Sam! You dog, you!

Who's Sam?

Ernie, it's so great
to see you again.

- Phyllis?
- Are you Sam?

Uh, this is my husband
Sam Southcross.

- Oh, how are you?
- Ernie Bilko.

- Why, Ernie, hello!
- Hi.

- Phyllis has told me all about you.
- Phyllis, don't...

Don't start... Oh,
did she, really?

I've-I've had a lot of things

I've got to thank
you for, Sergeant.

You have? Phyllis, please.

The way we met, you see.

When you stood me up in
front of the Music Hall that day.

Gosh, I wish we'd known.
We're on our way to Connecticut.

How about it, Ernie?

A nice rest, fresh air?

Cut it out, Phyllis.

A soldier on
furlough in New York?

Say, if you don't have a date,

I've got a very
pretty secretary.

- She may be free tonight.
- Oh, you don't have...

Oh, Sam, getting
a date for Ernie

with the lists he's always got?

Cut it out, Phyllis.

Well, just in case,

here's her name and
her telephone number.

And I understand she has

a very cute roommate
if she's busy.

Well, you see, I'm very
busy. I may not have the time.

Ooh, the time, what's
the time? Our train, Sam.

Oh, yeah. Well,
good-bye, Sergeant.

Bye, Ernie.

Phyllis, Phyllis,
please. Good-bye!

Wow!

On the double!

I just feel terrible
about this, Joanie.

- I hate to leave you alone.
- I can't help it.

Get it!

Hello?

Hello. Have I the signal honor

of speaking to Miss Fern Foster?

Who is this?

I'm a very old friend of
your boss Sam Southcross.

I promised good old
Sam if I was in town

I'd give you a ring.

He just came to town.

Oh, wonderful!

Are you busy tonight?

Busy? Well, by
George, I'm always busy.

But what time should
I pick you up tonight?

Me? I've got a date tonight.

Oh, you have?

Oh, Sam said something
about a roommate.

Oh, Millie? Oh,
she's got a date, too.

- Ah...
- But wait a minute.

A beautiful girl, a friend
of ours, just got into town,

and I think we could talk
her into going out with you.

Beautiful, huh?

Oh, Cookie's a lovely blonde.

Good personality,
wonderful dancer.

Cookie, huh?

Oh, I tell you,
you'd just love her.

Why don't you talk to her?

Put her on.

- He wants to talk to you.
- Oh!

Do you think I
should talk to him?

After all, I've never met him.

- Talk to him!
- Talk to him.

If you think it's all right.

Hello?

Hello, Cookie.

Operator, what is that?

Please deposit five cents
for the next three minutes.

Operator, I'm all out of change.

I'm sorry. I'll have
to disconnect you.

Look, op, look, operator,
all I got is five dollars.

Look, I'm stuffing
it in the box.

I'm sorry. Five cents for
the next three minutes.

I gotta get change. Change.

Hey, buddy, you got
a nickel? Got a nickel?!

Here, five dollars for a nickel!

Police! Police!

I gotta get change.
Gotta get change!

Oh, no! Hello, hello?

Oh, maybe it was just
disconnected, Joan.

No, he hung up.

Now, look, girls,
you're late as it is.

Please, let's just go out.

Well, you come along.

Why didn't you let us know
sooner you were coming?

I'm sorry. There's no answer.

All right, thank you. Well...

that really does it.

I'm sure you'll find
someone from Boston.

Oh, gee, I hope so.

Soldier, you play Ping-Pong?

Oh, yes, Sergeant.

On the double. Hup,
two, three, four! Hup...

Now, look, operator,
this is an emergency.

Her name is Sergeant Joan Hogan.

She's living with her folks
in Sumter, South Carolina.

Thank you.

Oh, if I can get
in touch with her,

I'll never look at
another girl again.

Sergeant, we found a
partner for you for Ping-Pong.

- Girl?
- Yes, sir.

- Is she, uh...?
- What?

Never mind. I'll
be right with you.

Operator, Operator,
cancel the...

Operator, cancel...
The emergency is over!

I got a partner
for you, sergeant.

- He'll be right in.
- Oh.

We can play mixed doubles.

Oh, fun.

Sergeant Joan Hogan?

Yes, yes.

Well, about your call to
Sergeant Ernest Bilko.

I'm sorry, but unless
we have more to go on,

than just a little ranch
outside Cheyenne, Wyoming...

Yeah. Well, I understand.

Thank you very
much just the same.

Uh, look, is there
someplace I can freshen up

or get a shower or something?

Oh, sure, just down the
street there's a little YWCA.

Come on. I'll show you.

Oh, fine. Thank you.

You can't miss it.
There's a big electric sign.

Ping-Pong, anyone?!

This must be my partner.

Shall we jump over
the net, my dear?

That's my partner.

Your partner? Where's mine?

Well, she just ran off.

Well, why didn't you stop...?!

Well, this is certainly my day.

Come on, Sarge, let's volley.

No, no, never mind.

Look, I'm starting
to feel a little icky.

Can I get out of these clothes,
take a shower or something?

Yeah, there's a YMCA
just down the street.

There's a big sign.
You can't miss it.

Thank you, son, thank you.

Here you are.

Thank you.

Good evening, Sergeant.

Good evening.

A room for tonight?

Well, no, I'm
staying with friends,

but I thought if I
could have a shower

- or just a rest.
- Oh, of course.

A little steam, a
nap, you'll feel better.

Here's your locker key,

and the locker room
is through there.

Oh, thank you.

Hi. I'd like a room for tonight.

Well, you certainly would.

Mister, this is the YWCA.

The YMCA is next door.

Well, you've just got
a YM sign on out there.

Oh, is our light off again?

I'll call the electrician.

Store. Clerk? Look alive!

Oh, I'll take care of 'em later.

♪ Won't you come
home, Bill Bailey? ♪

♪ Won't you come home? ♪

♪ I've moaned the
whole day long ♪

♪ I miss your
kissing, honey... ♪

You gonna be all day?

Just a minute.

♪ Won't you come
home, Bill Bailey? ♪

♪ Won't you come home? ♪

Whew!

♪ Won't you come
home Bill Bailey? ♪

♪ Over hill over dale,
we will hit the dirty trail ♪

♪ And the caissons
go rolling along. ♪

Oh...

Roll call! Edison, Doberman...

Hey, look, buddy, if you make...

Boy, I'm really popular today.

Might as well get
back to the camp.

I'm might as well...

Come on! Look alive! Look alive!

No charge for servicewomen.

Oh, thank you.

What do I owe you?

I had a steam, a
shower and I took a nap.

- A double room?
- It was a double room.

Well, that will be... Oh,
no charge for servicemen.

Thank you very much.

♪ Won't you come
home, Bill Bailey? ♪

I don't get it.

Back in only five days?

Yeah, how was New York?

Well, for the first couple
of days it was miserable.

And then it got worse.

You mean, you didn't
have a good time?

I just don't want to even
remember those last few days.

All right, girls, start panting.

Bill Bailey just came home.

Oh, Ernie!

Joanie, Joanie!

Oh, Ernie!

All right, look alive.
One, two, three, hah, hey!

Oh, Ernie, I'm so
glad to see you!

I'm glad to see you!

How was Wyoming?

Who...? Oh, wonderful.

Clear... the air is beautiful.

What matters is
we're back together.

Let's pick it up
where we left off, huh?

- Yes.
- Dinner, dancing, shall we?

- I'd love to!
- We'll live it up.

I'll pick you up
at the same time.

Wonderful. Oh, Ernie.

What is it, baby girl?

You can help me out.

I'm filling out some new
physical forms for the post.

What's your blood type.

"O." Well, I better make
sure. Look at my dog tags.

Oh, I'm sure it's "O."

It says "A..."

What's the matter, Ernie?

"Hogan, Joan R."

These are your dog tags.

Well, that's ridiculous.

Mine are right here. See?

Bilko, Ernest J... I
don't understand it.

The only time I took my
dog tags off was that...

The only time I had
mine off was at the...

No!

It couldn't...

No!

No!

Oh, no!

What's the matter, honey?!

I just found out Bilko snores.

Also in tonight's cast,

Elisabeth Fraser appeared
as Sergeant Hogan,

Billie Allen was Billie,

Barbara Barry as Edna,

Georgia Landau as Jane,
and George McIver appeared

as the soldier in
the phone booth.