The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 1, Episode 25 - The Court Martial - full transcript

Fort Baxter to be tested
for reception center.

Men, I don't have to
tell you what it will mean

to show General Rogers
that we can process, uniform

and induct over 300
recruits into the Army

within the standard
limit of three hours.

We must operate like a machine.

But without using any names,
if there's a monkey wrench

- thrown in that...
- Oh, really, sir, I wouldn't...

I'm not mentioning any
names, Sergeant Bilko.

Men, I think Washington
is in for a surprise.

Captain Barker
will tell you about it.



- Captain Barker.
- How about that?

- Quiet, Bilko. Quiet.
- Captain Barker!

- I'm sorry.
- Thank you, sir.

By eliminating
eight of the steps

now used in
processing by the Army,

which are nothing but
red tape and repetition,

through the means
of my revised system,

which for the present time
we'll call the Barker System,

we can process these
men not in three hours,

- but in two hours.
- Two hours?!

- Sounds impossible!
- Oh, no, it isn't.

If we can keep these
men moving at top speed

from the time they check in...

Moving, moving, moving,
moving, moving... we can do it.



This is it, men.

If we can do it, promotions
for you up and down the line.

Not only the officers,
but the enlisted men.

And I may add, your
commanding officer,

instead of a unknown
colonel on a forgotten post,

will be an officer of stature
and military importance.

- You're leaving us, sir?
- Never mind.

You'll be missed
around here, sir.

- Bilko...
- What about it, men?

♪ Should old
acquaintance be forgot... ♪

Quiet!

I'm staying.

And I'll stay right
behind you, sir,

reflecting in the glory
of your leadership.

- Quiet!
- No...

Bilko, whether you stay or not
depends on what happens today.

There will be an inspection
by General Rogers

just before zero hour.

A general inspecting
my barracks, sir?

- Sir, may I suggest that...
- I know. I thought of that, too,

but it's too late to
burn your barracks.

It's too late.

All right, men, let's do it!

Oh, Rocco, these new
signs were an inspiration.

- Thanks, Sarge.
- Oh, the barracks look nice.

Now, look, we got to shine.

I want all the
belts right in a line.

All... Oh, come on, Doberman.

Lift it! Lift it!

Now, stomachs in.

Oh, never mind.

All right, now,
here's what happens.

When the general walks in,
he'll probably walk in like...

"Well, this is a fine barracks."

And the first one he'll see...

Uh, uh, get back just a little.

Just... that's it.

Gives a little more
dimension. Right here.

All right, the general
will walk in, and he'll...

I can still see him.
Block him off a little.

Just cover it up.

Why is he here today?

He's the barracks orderly.

Ah. Barracks orderly,
front and center.

Take care of the
furnace room, Doberman.

In the middle of
the summer, Sarge?

You never know...
The wind may shift.

On the double.

All right, barracks
looks better already.

Now police everything.

Get everything shining.
You understand?

Here come the rookies, Sarge.

Welcome. Welcome.

Right over... right over there.

Welcome to the hotel, gentlemen.

There'll be a private
room for everyone.

- Ten-hut!
- Hut!

Sergeant Bilko, this
is Section 7B, 12 men.

You are responsible
for their processing.

- That's all.
- Thank you very much, sir.

All right, men, let's keep a
steady line. Nice, little line.

No, no. Men, no.

Don't be frightened.

That's just the way we do it.

Come on, men, on the
double. Don't be nervous.

May I introduce myself?

I'm your master sergeant,
Sergeant Ernest Bilko,

but you men, you
can call me Ernie.

What about that? That's a
good way to start, isn't it?

You can check your valuables
with Corporal Barbella.

He's bonded.

And those of you who
want to leave your suitcases,

that's Corporal
Henshaw on the left.

- Now, Rocco, file those...
- Oh, oh, Sergeant, Sergeant.

My name is Chapman.
I have a question.

There's always one.

There's always one! What? What?

Well, you see, I have some
perishable things in the bag.

I'm afraid if it's under a
pile of luggage... if there was

- some empty room in which I...
- All right, all right.

All right, all right, put
it in the furnace room

at the end of the barracks.
One the double. All right, men.

Let's have that line. All
right, a little spark to it.

Now, men, in a few minutes,

there's going to be a
general in here on inspection.

Now, now, take it
easy, will you, Zippo?

Everything is
going to be all right.

Here, let's get
behind the furnace.

I'll get you out of the bag.

Come on, now.

Now, Zippo...

Now, listen, try and understand

- it was the only thing I could...
- Hey!

Oh, shh. Keep it
quiet, will you, soldier?

Are you crazy?

A monkey in the barracks?

You don't understand.

It was the only
thing I could do.

You see, my brother
was supposed to...

Now, remember, you men,
not a shoelace out of line.

Hey, Sarge, the inspection
party just left the mess hall.

- There's a general with them.
- Let them come.

All right, men, give
me those steely eyes,

those hard muscles.
I want all you fellas...

Doberman, I want you
back in the furnace...

Listen, you!

I told you, didn't I?

I want Doberman back
in that furnace room!

Rocco, don't freeze
on me in an emergency.

Sarge, that wasn't
Doberman; it was a monkey.

A m... Oh, you're
really cracking up.

Did you hear that, men?

Rocco says he thought
that he saw a mon...

It's a monkey!

Grab him! Grab him!

Grab him! Get him!

They're coming up
the company street.

Hide him! Hide him!

Here they come, Sarge.

Ten-hut!

This is a motor pool platoon.

Sergeant Bilko in... command.

Isn't that, uh, a rather
odd formation, Sergeant?

Well, sir, it's just an example

of the vision of our
commanding officer.

We are constantly training,

learning the military
maneuvers of foreign nations, sir.

Oh, and what's this one?

Well, surely, the general
recognizes the British Square.

The... the British Square?

That's the square that won
over India, you know, sir.

Very interesting, Colonel.

I wish I had time to show the
general the Armenian Oblong,

- but I...
- No, never mind.

Uh, we haven't
much time, General.

Armenian Oblong?
You must explain that

- to me, Jack.
- Of course, of course.

Bilko, what's going on?

Sir, everything's going as
smooth as glass. Thank you.

Three cheers for
the colonel. Hip, hip...

- Hooray!
- Where is he? Where is he?

Now, listen, you.

You get that monkey out of here.

He's not a monkey;
he's a chimpanzee.

Excuse me. I'm sorry
if I hurt your feelings.

Please, I got no time for that.

Get him out of here!
What's your game?

No game. We're a vaudeville act.

Charlie and Zippo
here. I raised him.

Look, I tried to explain
to the draft board

that if I left him
with strangers,

- he'd pine away and die.
- Why? Why?

My brother was supposed
to meet me here in Roseville.

If he would've been on time...

The train was probably late.

He's probably right in
town now looking for me.

Hey, Sarge, maybe we could
sneak the monkey into town.

Are you nuts? The
post is swarming...

Please, I don't want that.

Please. Now, you stop that.

Wait a minute. Listen, Sarge.

May-maybe we can
sneak him off the post.

Then, he could pick
up his brother in town,

bring him back
here, and then-then...

and listen, Sarge, he could
take care of the monkey.

- What do you say, huh?
- I can get him through the back fence,

into town and back before
the processing begins.

You're having a lot
of fun, aren't you?

You know what this means if
they find a monkey on the post?

Get him out of here!

You go and get your brother.

- Get him off the camp.
- All right, Sarge.

- Good-bye, Zippo.
- No, no. Come on.

- Get out of here.
- There's some bananas in the bag!

Doberman. Where's Doberman?

Yeah, Sarge. -There he is.

- Get a bag of bananas. Stay with him.
- Right.

You, get him
hidden in the latrine.

Cover him with
something. This can't...

Why? Why?

All right, you guys, fall in...
Just like you was before.

Come on, line up. Hurry up!

Come on, now, on the
double! Line up, will you?

Let's go. Get somebody in here.

All right, now,
listen, you guys.

Not one word about the monkey.

Attention, all units.

This is Captain Barker.

Collect your inductees

and be ready to proceed
to the staging area.

It is zero minus three.

Oh, no, not a... Get-get
rid of the monkey.

Hide him in the
latrine, will you?

Ernie! Ernie!

- Latrine? What's a latrine?
- I don't know.

Hey, hey, hey! There's
an officer coming.

All right, Squad 7B, this way.

Follow me. Forward, march.

Hut, hut, hut.

- Jonathan Mitchell.
- Next.

- State your name.
- William O'Brien.

- William O'Brien.
- William O'Brien.

William O'Brien, have
you ever had rheumatism,

pneumonia, smallpox,
chicken pox, German measles?

- Next.
- No.

- State your name.
- Edwin Dubro.

- Edwin Dubro.
- Edwin Dubro.

Edwin Dubro, have you ever had
rheumatism, pneumonia, smallpox,

chicken pox, German measles?

- Next.
- No.

State your name.

- Hurry, speak up!
- Harry Speakup.

Harry Speakup.

Harry, have you
ever had rheumatism,

pneumonia, smallpox,
chicken pox, German measles?

Next.

Name. -Martin Ford.

Have you ever had rheumatism,

- Martin Ford. -Martin Ford.
- Pneumonia, smallpox,

chicken pox, German
measles? Next.

- No.
- All right, speed it up.

Speed it up. Keep moving.

- How's it going?
- Oh.

- Bilko's squad all checked in.
- Oh, good.

- That's off my mind.
- Captain Barker, sir,

- I must explain something.
- Okay, Bilko.

- Your Squad 7B all checked in.
- All?

- Yes. You had 12, didn't you?
- Yes.

- What?
- Oh, they must have got him back in time.

Thank heavens.

What is that, a jam-up
in the dental unit?

Bilko, push them through dental.

- Come on, Bilko. Hurry up.
- All right.

Keep it moving.

Pneumonia, smallpox,

chicken pox, German
measles? Next.

Move, move, move.
Everybody, on the double!

Keep this line going. All
right, all right, come on.

No smoking.

All right, everybody in there.

- Hey, stop!
- Hey, Bilko!

- Bilko, come back here!
- Sir!

Something... I
got to stop the line.

You got to stop the line?

Please, sir, let me explain.

You explain it to the colonel.

- Report to him.
- But, sir...

That's an order!

The colonel. All
right, the colonel.

Open wide.

Cavity, upper left molar. Next.

- Edwin Dubro.
- Edwin Dubro.

Open wide.

Check bicuspids. Next.

- Harry Speakup.
- Harry Speakup.

Open wide.

Overdeveloped canines.

Next.

- Martin Ford.
- Martin Ford.

Oh, if you give us small posts a
chance to show what we can do,

- we'll surprise you...
- Colonel Hall, I'm... General.

Bilko, I'm busy.

Sir, I must see you...

It'll keep till later.

Sir, this is very
important. I must see you...

- Sir, you've got to stop the line, sir.
- Of course.

Long enough for
you to collect a bet

that we won't
finish on schedule.

Oh, the colonel
does make jokes, sir.

Sir, I must see you. It's ur...!

Bilko, get back to your station!

Sir... Squad 7B,
take off your shoes.

Get ready for foot clinic.

- Foot clinic.
- Oh, no.

Edwin Dubro.

Declivity, left arch.

- Check.
- Next.

John D. Kay.

- Okay.
- Check.

- Next.
- Harry Speakup.

There's a stoppage
at foot clinic.

There's a stoppage
at foot clinic.

Foot clinic, why
aren't you moving?

Something wrong, Captain?

You look at feet all day,
it's bound to happen.

Next.

Martin Ford.

Incipient bunion, left foot.

- Check.
- Men, there was a stoppage.

We lost ten seconds.
What happened?

- Nothing. Next.
- Captain Barker, sir!

- Oh, Bilko, this is no time.
- Sir, I have to take one

- of the men out of the line.
- Out of... Why?

Sir, you... he isn't
what you think he is.

That's for the
psychiatrist to find out.

- They're heading there now.
- Psychiatrist?!

You know, and sometimes,
my frustrations get so great

that I think I'm
gonna go berserk.

Keep the line moving.

- Hang onto your papers.
- Thank you. Follow the line.

- Keep it moving.
- Next.

Harry Speakup.

Well, Harry, be
free to talk, now.

Do you love your mother
and father? Any frustrations?

Do you dream? Are
your dreams related

with childhood frustrations?

Uh, calm down, young man.

Do you... do you like girls?

Uh, be free to talk about it.

Uh, any insanity in your family?

Uh, father, mother, grandfather?

All right. Next.

Here.

All right. Bill O. Benson.

Uh, Bill, tell me about
your mother and father.

Were they kind to you
when you were a child?

- What about your aunt?
- Oh, sir.

Please, just don't say anything

until the general is
off the post, please.

What are you talking about?

You know... this Harry Speakup.

What about Harry?

I just had a nice chat with him.

He's going to be all right.

All right?

All right, what's
the jam-up here?

Yes.

Bilko, they're taking
the intelligence test.

- Get them through!
- Yeah, yeah. -All right, Benson,

- let's go ahead now.
- All right, let's go.

- Let's go, let's go!
- Tell me about your mother and father.

Intelligence test.

Keep it moving. Keep it moving.

All right, let's go.

Keep it moving. Take any seat.

Now, you'll find... Bilko,
what are you doing here?

Nothing, sir. Just
thought, if I could help out...

All right, all
right. Never mind.

You'll find a printed test
and a pencil at each desk.

- All right.
- Now, read the instructions carefully

before you begin, then
check your answers clearly.

Begin.

All right.

Shh.

Uh, sir, are there
any irregularities, sir?

If there's any
irregularity, Bilko,

- there will be an investigation.
- Investigation?

You all through?

Oh, your pencil fell.

All right, stop.

Print your name in the
upper right-hand corner.

Print your name. Print your name
in the upper right-hand corner.

All right, dismissed.

- That's all.
- Get him out! Get him out!

All right, fellas,
keep it moving.

46 seconds ahead of schedule.

I don't believe it.

You may make it in two hours.

Two hours. General, you better
get over to the assembly hall

to swear them in, or
they'll beat you to it.

We're going to do it,
sir. We're going to do it.

All right, get
those records off.

One hour and 46 minutes.

Uh-huh, we're
going to do it, sir.

We're going to do it!

Colonel Hall, Colonel,
you must stop the line!

Not now, Bilko.

Sir, you don't know!
There's an emergency, sir!

Stop the line when we're on
the verge of breaking all records

for inducting 309 men into
the Army in under two hours?

308 men, sir!

308 men?

Yes, one of them
is a monkey, sir!

A monkey?

Yes, sir, it's an emergency!
Please, listen to me!

Bilko, is this one
of your jokes?

It's not a... I was
never more serious!

He's even got a name:
Private Harry Speakup.

- A monk... a monk...?
- I don't know how it happened!

He got in... Sir,
inducting a monkey

into the Army,
and you did it, sir!

You've gotta... Sir, you
must stop them, please!

Stop the processing!
Stop the... What?

What is it, sir?

Sir, what is it?

And I will fulfill...
And I will fulfill...

To the best of my ability...

To the best of my ability...

My duties as a soldier

in the Unites States Army.

My duties as a soldier in
the United States Army.

Well, men, you're
in the Army now!

He's in the Army now.

Well, sir, it was
nobody's fault.

What a way to end a career.

Will they remember me
as a West Point officer

that was cited
twice for bravery?

No, they'll remember me as a man

that opened the doors of the
Army to the animal kingdom.

A monkey.

Well, sir, there's
another way to look at it.

In these tense times, the
world needs a good laugh, sir.

- One hour and 58 minutes!
- Top show.

We did it, sir. We did it.

- Well done, Colonel. Well done!
- The colonel put it over,

- didn't he?
- I knew you could do it, sir.

- Great piece of work, sir.
- Congratulations, Colonel.

We can all be proud, gentlemen.
Proud of our leader here.

- It's just wonderful.
- Just think, sir.

In under two hours, 309 men.

308 men.

308?

308 men, and the
other one was... I can't.

You tell him what he was, Bilko.

Well, actually, it's
the way you look at it.

Tell him!

He's a monkey.

A monkey?! Oh, no!

Those feet! Now I
remember those feet!

Bilko, you'll pay for this!

- I? I didn't...
- We'll all pay for this.

Attention!

General Rogers!

Ah, General Rogers, we just
have to make some changes

in the records here.

There's some...

Is anything the matter, General?

Nothing, nothing.

It's just that I...
Nothing, nothing.

Well, perhaps I should
escort the general

to the guesthouse
where he can rest a while.

No, no, no, no,
I'll be all right.

It's... it's just that
I thought I saw a...

I was shaking hands with
the new men as they filed by,

and suddenly...

I'll be all right.

It's no use. Tell him, Bilko.

Tell me what?

Well, sir, what you
thought was a... No.

It was, sir.

Monkey?

Monkey.

Oh, the general has
a sense of humor.

So, we took a
monkey into the Army?

We took a monkey into the Army!

General...

Quiet! A monkey,
and I swore him in!

But, sir...

Why don't we all look
at the brighter side, sir?

This proves that we
have a democratic Army!

Quiet!

Who is this man?!

He-he's the sergeant
responsible for this whole mess, sir.

We're all responsible.

But, sir... Quiet!

This is General Rogers.

Lock all the gates,

cut off all communications
until further notice.

Now let's stop acting like
a lot of hysterical women

and get this mess
straightened out.

Oh, what direct action.

That's what makes him a general.

Colonel, you can take notes.

Quiet!

That will be all, Private.

Private?

Perhaps the general
hadn't noticed that the...

I know. I'm thinking ahead.

Well, Lieutenant...

Lieutenant?

Oh, I see.

Exactly. Unless this
ridiculous mess is kept quiet!

Yes. Sergeant Barker.

Get that monkey off
the post immediately.

Arnold, get those
records changed.

I'm afraid it's not
quite that simple, sir.

What do you mean?

The records have already
been sent to the Pentagon.

Oh, no!

They have the
records of 309 men.

If we can produce only
308, why, they'll start inquiring

what happened
to Private Speakup.

We've got to move fast!

Throw him out for
subnormal intelligence.

Well, what's wrong?

He was third
highest in his group.

Third highest?!

He's a bright little monkey

when you think of it!

Stop that!

This is fantastic! Fantastic!

Well, sir, unless we
find some legal reason

to discharge...

I don't want to be bothered!

What? He's in the kitchen?

He bit Sergeant Sowici's finger?

Just one moment, sir.

He bit a superior officer?

Oh, Captain Barker,
do you mean...?

- A court-martial.
- A court-martial.

Court-martialing a monkey?!

It's the only legal way, sir.

That's right, sir.

And once the monkey's
proved guilty and discharged,

the legal channels are
open for disciplinary action

against the person
responsible for this whole mess.

Yes, whoever's
responsible should pay.

Yes... We've all been
embarrassed, and...

Really, sir, you're not gonna
blame me if the monkey's...

Quiet! Cut the orders.

Court-martial
convenes in 15 minutes.

But in 15 minutes...

And I am appointing you the
monkey's defense counsel.

We'll kill two birds
with one stone.

- But, sir, really...
- 15 minutes,

not a word of this
to anyone ever!

We're going to
court-martial a monkey.

Summary court-martial
proceedings

this 16th day of June.

Cut the red tape.

The quicker we get this
stupid farce over with the better.

Court is convened.

Is the prosecution ready?

Ready, sir.

Is the defense counsel ready?

Sir, I'd like a postponement.

Postponement?!

Well, sir, there are
certain legal points

that I haven't had a
chance to delve into.

- Silence!
- Yes, sir.

Bring in the defendant.

Bring in Private Harry Speakup.

Oh, no, I-I can't
go through with it.

I don't blame you, sir.

Is that the best
fit you could...

Quiet! Sir, it's the only way.

Otherwise, it might look like...

Get it over with!

Read the specifications.

Specifications against the
accused read as follows:

"That on the 16th day of
June this year, the defendant,

"Private Harry
Speakup, did willfully

"and maliciously break
Army Regulation 67B2

"by assaulting a
superior officer,

"Master Sergeant Stanley Sowici

by biting him on the
right index finger."

No one will ever believe this.

Call the first witness.

- Uh, Sergeant Sowici.
- Sergeant Sowici.

Come on, come on, come on!

Sergeant Sowici, do
you solemnly swear...

Hurry up!

I do.

Will you state your
full name and rank?

Stanley Sowici, Master
Sergeant, the United States Army.

Sergeant, will you state
your present duties?

I'm the company cook.

In your own words, Sergeant,

will you tell the
court what happened

at exactly 1400 hours
on the 16th day of June?

Yes, sir. I was going
into the storeroom

to get some apples
for the Waldorf salad.

We always have Waldorf
salad on Thursdays,

and when I don't
have any walnuts...

Are you going to recite
the cook and baker's manual

or are you gonna tell
us what happened?

Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

I reached for an apple,

when all of a sudden this
monkey comes in and grabs...

Objection.

Objection?!

I object to the use of the
derogatory word "monkey"

when referring to my defendant.

You object?

Really, sir, until this
court rules otherwise,

the defendant is a private
in the United States Army.

That's right!

Right, sir!

And, sir, I must continue.

And as a private in
the United States Army,

he's privileged to the title
and the rank he's deserving.

A rank that has come
through the glorious years

to be known... Objection
sustained. Go on.

Well, sir, like I
was saying, sir,

this, uh... Private
Harry Speakup.

This Private Harry Speakup
grabbed the bananas,

and I ordered him
to drop the bananas.

He wouldn't pay
any attention to me.

And in the ensuing
struggle, he bit my hand.

And that's the story, sir.

Well, it's pretty
clear he's guilty.

Stand by for sentencing.

Cross-examination.

Cross-examination?!

Bilko, are you
trying to stall this?

Really, sir, I'm sure
you want to give justice

and the history of jurisprudence

of the Army courts...
Your witness.

Sergeant Sowici, you stated,
and I think I quote you exactly,

"I ordered him to
drop the bananas,

and he paid no attention to me."

That's right.

Didn't he say anything?

Ah, he didn't say anything.
He just chattered a little.

Chattered? Chatter which
you did not understand!

- I'm telling him. Chatter...
- Who can...

Who can understand it?

- It was just...
- Did it ever occur to you, sir,

that in this very chattering
he was trying in his own way

to explain perhaps
the bananas were his?

And does it occur to you,
as a private, he's entitled

to be fed by the
United States Army?

Bilko, stop stalling!

It's a open-and-shut
case. The monkey bit...

Ah, ah, objection.

Excuse me. Private Speakup bit

a noncommissioned
officer maliciously.

Maliciously, sir? Could he...?

Well, to go on further.

Sergeant Sowici, you stated

that you reached
down and grabbed him.

Is that correct?

Yeah, yeah.

Had he grabbed you first?

Well, no.

Is the sergeant aware

of Army regulations
which specifically states

a noncommissioned
officer must not lay a hand

on an enlisted man at any time?

Now, wait a minute. All I did...

All you did was disqualify
yourself as a witness,

and I submit to the court

since we have no
authoritative witness,

through the history of
the Army, the case shows

there can be no trial, and
my defendant is innocent!

- Innocent?!
- Yes!

Sir, there must be something...

Do you mean to say we can't
even court-martial the monkey?!

Bilko, this time I think
you've gone too far.

Sir, I hate to give the
trouble to the court.

Just a minute, sir.

I think he's calling
for another lawyer.

Now you better let
me handle this my way.

I'm sorry for the
interruption, sir,

but there is no case
against the witness.

In that case, there is
no charge against me.

I'll return to my men.
Thank you very much.

No charge against you, Sergeant?

What's this?

This civilian was found
sneaking into the post

through the back fence.

A spy! I'll take care of him.

Not so fast, Bilko.

Mr. Chapman, you
were in this camp,

and then against all
regulations went A.W.O.L.

I know, sir, but I
was ordered to.

And who ordered you to do this?

Sergeant Bilko.

I never saw this
man in my entire life.

Bilko, this time we've got you.

A sergeant ordering
a man to go A.W.O.L.

This court-martial
is still in session.

Just change the name
from Speakup to Bilko.

Oh, sir, we're-we're
in no trouble here, sir.

What are you talking about?

Well, it's just a slight
misunderstanding.

It's very clear.

- Well, start clearing.
- If I may.

Sir, your name is Chapman?

That's right.

Now will you state what happened
when the defendant entered

the United States Army?

Well, it broke up our act.

And that meant?

That meant he's the
sole supporter of myself,

my mother and father,

my brother and
his entire family.

And so without him,
there was no living.

A hardship case.

- A hardship case!
- A hardship case!

He's out of the Army!

Out of the Army! Hey, Zippo.

He's out. He's out!

Bilko, I don't see
how you do it.

Thank you, sir.

The court-martial of
Harry Speakup is over.

And remember,
men, from this day on,

you heard nothing... No, sir.

You saw nothing,
you say nothing.

Also seen in tonight's cast

were John Boruff
as General Rogers,

Nicholas Saunders
as Captain Barker,

Joey Faye as Chapman
and Zippy as himself.