The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 1, Episode 24 - Miss America - full transcript

Bilko is concerned his latest money making scheme, platoon sweetheart, has fallen flat with only one entry. One of them brings forth a photo of his girlfriend, and Bilko sees a future Miss America.

I keep telling that
bugler it'll never be a hit.

Hey, Hannigan, you should
have been with us last night

at The Snake Pit.

There was a dame
there just your size.

Yeah, I think she was
a pro basketball player.

Really, the way y'all
talk about women,

it's disgusting.

All right, you Romeos,
let's go! Formation!

Sergeant Bilko's got
something important to tell ya.

Important. He needs dough.

Attention all passengers:
fasten your money belts.



Bilko's coming in for a landing.

All right, Paparelli, come
on! Formation on the double.

Sergeant Bilko! Sergeant Bilko!

The men are ready.

Good morning, Corporal Barbella.

Good morning, men!

It never fails.

Every morning I look at
you, right in here it gets me.

Yes, sir, my boys.

Gentlemen, it makes it all
worthwhile when I look at you.

The planning, the
lonely nights I spend

thinking of diversions
for your happiness.

At least a thousand times a day,

I think of little things
to make you happy.



But has any one of you ever
thought to ask am I happy?

"Is the Sergeant happy?"

Just one lone considerate
voice asking me if I'm happy?

Just once?

Are you happy, Sergeant Bilko?

No, and I'll show you how
you can make me happy.

- Big mouth!
- He asked!

- You answered.
- All right, all right, quiet!

Paparelli asked me how
he could make me happy.

I withdraw the question.

How small, Paparelli.

How utterly small of you.

Men, where have I failed you?

What have I done?

At what point did this
beautiful relationship

of give and take of ours
crack apart, gentleman?

What have I done?

I'm referring to the Sweetheart
of the Platoon contest

which ends today.

All I asked you to do is
hand in a picture of your girl

to pin on our bulletin
board parade of beauty.

That's all.

Oh, plus the small ridiculous
entry fee of ten dollars

to defray the cost of
thumbtacks, publicity

and various things.

And what happened?

Nothing. Look.

Have we a parade
of beauty up there?

Are your loved ones
gazing down at us?

No.

Because one, and only one,

Private Fleischman...

he had the pride to
enter his girl's picture.

And there it stands alone

up on the bulletin
board, unopposed,

the winner, the
sweetheart of our platoon,

unless we have more entries.

Men... I want you
to look at that picture.

Look at the picture. Hy-yup!

Look front. Hy-yip!

There it is, men.

You've got to face it.

That is the winner.

That goes on record as
sweetheart of your platoon.

You want to have that
represent...? That...?

No offense, Fleischman.
She's a lovely girl.

Now, men, there's another
thing I ought to point out to you.

The winner of this
contest spends a weekend

- in the camp in person.
- You're kidding. -Sarge...

Oh, I'm not kidding,
not kidding at all.

She'll be seen
everyplace with you.

At the mess hall, she'll
be eating alongside of you.

- Sarge...
- Oh, yes.

And at the Service Club,

you'll be privileged
to dance with her.

- Dance with her?
- Yes.

You'll be ordered
to dance with her.

Boy, that does it.
You can count me in.

- Count me in.
- That's the spirit I want.

- That's the ol'...
- My picture. My money.

Oh, she's lovely,
Paparelli, lovely. Check this.

Here's my girl.

Oh, she's beautiful,
Gomez, beautiful.

Here's my picture of my...

Oh, Doberman, where
do you find them?

- Well, Charlotte and I met...
- Keep it moving, please.

That's a good idea.

Oh, say, even you,
Hannigan, are entering a girl.

Hey, boys, Hannigan's
got a sweetheart!

Yeah, I'll bet you it's a
picture of his cocker spaniel.

Show it to us, Sarge. Show it.

Oh, wow!

She is the end!

She's the most beautiful
woman I ever saw in my life.

Wow-wow-whoo...

All right, we have
business to do.

More entries. Keep
in form... Come on.

Give me my money back.

- You can keep my girl's picture.
- What?

- Me, too. -Mine, too.
- What is this, what?

Against her, my gal
hasn't got a chance.

Oh, come on, fellas,
let's show the proper...

There's a big prize
for second money.

Come on, fellas, let's
all... Don't let me down.

Listen, you,

if I find out this is a
picture of a movie star

- that you latched onto...
- Heck, Sarge,

Josie's no movie star.

She's... well, just
my sweetheart.

Oh, she's just my sweetheart.

What a lousy way
to break up a contest.

Sarge, I had 50 bucks
right here in my hand.

He couldn't have a girl

like the rest of us:
ordinary, plain...

Ugly.

Yeah, Hannigan has to
come up with a Miss America.

Yeah, just when...

- What did you say?
- I said he has...

Uh, hold that...

What? You're gonna
apply for officer's training?

That's nice. See
you fellas later.

We'll talk about some jolly...

Don't talk nonsense.

See ya later, fellas!

- What did you say?
- I said...

- Miss America.
- Miss America.

Yeah.

Aw, come on, Sarge.

Why not? Why not?

Why not what?

Why not enter in the
Miss America contest?

The local paper,
there it is right here.

They've been
looking for an entry

to enter in the Miss
Kansas finals, right?

Here we go again... We're
back in never-never land.

All right, don't get
with the wisecracks.

Are we in such a high
income tax bracket

we can afford to ignore
opportunity when it's knocking?

I didn't hear nothing.

You didn't hear nothing?

Well, neither did Roger
P. Hemsley hear nothing.

Who's Roger P. Hemsley?

Who's Roger P. Hemsley?

It was he that many years
ago who said to a young man,

he said, "Young man, get that
filthy black stuff off my land!"

The man he was talking
to was John D. Rockefeller.

Yeah, but, Sarge, this-this
is the Miss America contest,

the most beautiful
dames in America.

What do we got here, a chipmunk?

You saw what
happened to the platoon.

She stopped them
dead in their tracks.

Doberman said it's the
most beautiful woman

he's ever seen in his life.

Doberman? He thinks I'm pretty.

All right, all right,
maybe I'm wrong.

Okay, we'll get
an outside opinion.

Yeah, but, Sarge,
that's Hannigan's girl.

He might not like it.

Keep him on guard duty,
keep him out of sight.

Where you going?

I'm going down to see
the editor of the paper;

the guy that's
running the contest.

We'll get a civilian opinion.

So, it's too bad, isn't it?

You've already found a girl

to enter in the Miss
Kansas finals, huh?

Yeah. We're going along
with Zelda Watkins again.

You know, the gal
from the five-and-dime.

Same as last year.

You seen Zelda lately?

She's filled out a
lot since last year.

Yeah, I know, since they
took her out of hardware

and put her in the liverwurst
department. Yes, I know.

This could be her
year, you know.

None of the girls around these
parts can come close to her.

Not even her?

I'm sorry, the contest...

Well, I guess I'll be on my way.

I... Please, Mr. Bender,

you're digging your nails
in the glossy print. Please!

Bilko, who?

Who? I'll tell you who.

We thought of entering
her as Miss Fort Baxter.

But I've got to run along.

The boys... Please,
your hands are perspiring.

You're wetting the
whole picture. Please!

Bilko, this girl is gorgeous.

Level with me.

Is she gorgeous enough
to become Miss Kansas?

With the right
publicity buildup.

Gorgeous enough to go
all the way to Atlantic City,

become Miss America?

Oh, come now. She might
have a slight chance...

Slight chance?! You're
a newspaperman.

You know a human interest
story when you see it.

Picture this:

a group of poor but
hopeful American soldiers...

Your boys... decide to
sponsor a beautiful girl.

A slight chance? Ha!

Any judge who
would vote against her

would be tarred and feathered!

- I never thought of that.
- I did.

Hey, fellas, get a load of this.

What's up?

"The soldiers of
Sergeant Bilko's platoon

are on the verge of
fame and fortune."

Fame and fortune for us?

He's trying to suck
us in on something.

Wonder what
he's up to this time.

Watch out! Here he comes!

Remember, boys,
whatever it is, ignore it.

Especially you, Paparelli,
with the big mouth.

Who's got a big mouth?

And therefore, gentlemen,

as regarding any
further testimonials,

we'll have to fulfill our
motion picture contracts first.

Hello, fellas. Something
in the paper of interest?

Nothing for us.

Oh, I just thought I'd ask.

Did you say
something, Paparelli?

Not a word.

Oh. Uh, where was I?

Contracts.

Oh, yes, as far
as the contracts,

which total up to
a million dollars,

I feel that we...

I can't go through with it.

I can't keep it from
them. These are my boys.

I have to...

Fellas, I got ahold
of something so big,

I can't keep it to myself!

What's it...?

What did he say? What? What?

He didn't say a word.

All right, as long as he didn't.

Now my conscience is clear
about keeping them out of it.

- Out of wh...?
- No, no, it's too late.

Too late. Maybe it is
too big for them, huh?

Sarge, it's here.

Here it is.

Fender. I need some
advice from you, Fender.

You used to work in a
tailor shop, didn't you?

Tell me something, Fender.

Can you visualize
a girl filling this?

I'd say her measurements
were about, uh...

hips: 35, waist: 21,
and the rest, uh, 36?

- Thirty-six?
- Thirty-six?

Yes, now can you give
me a piece of advice?

Will the girl with those
measurements fill that?

Please, Sarge,
ask somebody else.

It's been so many years.

No, but you don't
understand, fellas.

I need some advice.

I can't ask the young lady

to get into the
suit, and then poof.

It would be very embarrassing.

Now if you fellas will
just give me some advice.

Would you...? Oh, I forgot.

You fellas are not in on this.

In on what?!

Visualize this!

Hannigan's girl in that!

Presto: Miss Kansas.

Double presto: Miss America!

Miss America?

What if Hannigan
should find out?

He'll never find out.

I got him on
permanent guard duty.

Watch it! Hannigan!

Oh, Hann... Oh, listen,
about the drilling, fellas.

We'll have to
drill with a little...

- Oh, hello, Hannigan.
- I gotta get some sleep, Sarge.

I was just gonna look for you.

I wanted to ask you something.

You know the picture you
handed in to the contest?

The girl... the judges will
want more information.

Like what?

Like how does she
look in a bathing suit?

Josie in a bathing suit?

Sergeant Bilko, somebody ought

to up and wash your
mouth out with soap.

I want that picture back.

Oh, I'm sorry. What
made me say that?

How do I think of those things?

A girl in a bathing suit.

I'll never forgive myself.

I guess it's time for another
talk with the chaplain.

Women in... Women
in bathing suits.

I wouldn't let Josie
be seen in one.

In public? Not for
a million dollars.

Not even for a mil...?

Hang your head in shame.

This is a real gentleman.

We should be proud to
have him in our platoon.

He's like a breath of fresh air.

Believe me, this type of
integrity won't go unnoticed.

Formation on the double.

On the double! Look alive!

Work detail.

Private Hannigan, front
and center on the double!

You're assigned to night
guard duty at the main gate.

On the double!

But-but Private Mandelbaum's
guarding the main gate.

You guard Mandelbaum.

On the double! Look alive!

All clear.

We gotta work fast.

See this? You know what this is?

This is Fort Knox with curls.

You know what this'll mean?

Miss America dolls,
Miss America cosmetic,

Miss America plastic
do-it-yourself surgery kits.

Everything! It's in our hands.

A million dollars, fellas!

A million dollars?

Did you guys ever stop to think

what a million dollars
divided by, uh...

Oh, I keep forgetting,
they're not shareholders.

What do you mean
"shareholders," Sarge?

We're gonna need capital.

Capital, fellas, to
put this over right.

We gotta give her
dramatic lessons,

we gotta get her a
wardrobe, traveling expenses.

Gentleman, I figured out
at ten dollars a share...

- Count me in!
- Count me in!

Give me six, Sarge.

- Boys, our ship has come in.
- Attention!

Colonel Hall!

Mmm, the boat has sailed.

Colonel, I... Oh!

Who put this large ha...?

Kadowski has a very large cold.

So watch that, will you?

Quiet! Bilko, whatever
this is, forget it.

Well, Colonel, I was just on
my way to ask your perm...

No, I don't want any publicity
about you and your promotions.

If the public ever finds out

that we have a sergeant
like you in the Army,

they'll start cashing
in their war bonds.

Oh, the colonel
is fun to work with.

He's so humorous.

Quiet!

The first thing in the morning

you get down to
that newspaper office

and tell them that
whatever it is, it's off!

- It's off?
- It's off!

But, sir... It's off!

Yes, sir.

Gee, it's too bad, Sarge.

Yeah, we almost
had something there.

Had. Had. What did we had?

An empty bathing suit,

a picture of a girl
we've never even seen?

I'm glad the colonel stopped us.

He stopped us from
making jerks out of ourselves.

Oh, lights-out. Go
on. Hit the sack.

- Good night, Sarge.
- Good night.

Good night, boys.

Lights-out! Lights-out!

Miss America. Someday
they're gonna drop the net on me.

Well, honey, wherever you are,

I guess you'll just
stay buried there.

Oh, it might have
been something.

It might've.

We'll never know.
We'll never know.

No, Ernie Bilko,
now we'll never know.

Who-who are you?

Where are you?

I'm here, Ernie.

Oh, you're even more
beautiful than your picture.

Beautiful enough to
be Miss America, Ernie?

Well, that was just a dream.

Yes, just a dream.

Just a dream.

Wait. Come back.

I'll make your dream come true.

Wait for me! Wait!

I'll make you Miss America!

♪ There she is ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Miss America ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Your ideal ♪

♪ A dream of a million girls ♪

♪ Who are more than pretty ♪

♪ May come true
in Atlantic City ♪

♪ For they may turn out to be ♪

♪ The queen... ♪

♪ The queen of femininity ♪

♪ There she is ♪

♪ Miss America ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ There she is ♪

♪ Your ideal ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ With so many beauties ♪

♪ She'll take the
town by storm ♪

♪ With her all-American
face and form, and there... ♪

Come back!

Come back! Come back!

Come back!

Come back!

Come back! Come back!

- Doberman! Gander!
- Yo! -Yo!

- Gomez!
- Yo!

- Fender! Fleischman!
- Yo! -Yo!

Come back! Come back!

Where is she? Where?

She just ran out of here!

Come on! Don't stand there!

Help me find her!

Hey, Sarge, Sarge,
you're dreaming! Ernie!

Dream... dream... No,
I'm telling you I saw her!

She's beauti...

We're going through with it!

Yeah, but you know
the colonel's orders.

The colonel's orders
was to stop the contest.

I'm going down to the
newspaper and do just that.

Get me my hat.

Oh, fellas, you
should have seen her.

From the tip of her head
to the bottom of her feet,

she was Miss America! Beauti...

Blonde hair, gorgeous,
beautiful sparkling eyes,

a neck like ivory,
beautiful white shoulders.

Sarge, your hat.

Remind me where I left off.

So the colonel ordered
you out of the contest.

Yeah, Army orders.

I know how
disappointed you must be;

the first Miss Kansas who
could have been Miss America.

Oh, it's a shame.

Yeah, but don't print a
word about it, will ya?

Oh, I'm not gonna.

No, no, I know those
newspaper minds of yours.

I could see that editorial:

"Is it Fort Baxter
or Little Siberia?"

- Fort Baxter or...
- No, no, don't put that down.

It just slipped out.
Don't say that, please?

Not a word of publicity.

I know how you think.

You could say, "Well, as
Kansas becomes Stalag 17..."

- Ooh, it slipped out.
- Stalag...

Don't-don't...
oh, don't write it!

I've given you a scoop!

I didn't mean to
give you this scoop.

- "Stalag" is with two A's.
- Thank you.

S-T-A-L-A... Yes,
you had that wrong.

Oh, please, not a
word of it, please!

Forget the Pulitzer Prize

that this editorial
might bring you!

- Pulitzer Prize...
- Just forget it.

Give me the composing room.

Don't print a word. Not a word.

- The composing room. The co...
- Oh.

- Oh, please, don't, don't.
- Hold the phone...

Now remember, you guys,
when we get to Topeka...

But, Sarge, the contest
is off. Colonel's orders.

Don't be so naive, Dillingham.

Everything is going
right off by schedule.

Let me see. The Roseville
Gazette papers were delivered

to Topeka at 10:15.

At 10:30, divisional
headquarter's messenger

picks it up at 10:32.

It arrives at General
Buffkin's office at 10:40.

His aide is
bringing it in to him.

He is looking at the front page.

The general is flipping.

He just put a call
in to Colonel Hall.

The phone should be ringing now.

Hello.

This is General Buffkin.

Why, General Buffkin, how...?

Jack, what's going
on down there?!

"Little Siberia"? What
are you trying to prove,

that you're a little
czar or something?

But, General...

Now, let those boys of
yours enter that contest!

What contest?

I don't want to see

anything more in the
papers, do you hear?!

Yes, sir.

The colonel is
rushing out of his office,

he's crossing the
parade grounds,

he's in the barracks area now.

He should be
coming in right... now.

Ten-hut!

I don't understand.

Attention!

Colonel Hall, what delayed you?

I stumbled on the step.

Oh, I see, sir.

Why, Bilko, you didn't tell me

that it was just a contest
you wanted to enter.

Why, I'm all for it.

Thank you, sir.

Why, who is this man?

Oh, he's one of
our fine warriors, sir.

One of the fine men.

Oh, Colonel, we thank you
so much for your cooperation.

Cooperation?

- Yes, General Buffkin, sir.
- Oh, yeah.

Thank you. We'll
need a three-day pass

for the entire platoon as
honor guards at Topeka.

Thank you.

Oh, Hannigan, you lucky dog!

Did you hear what
the colonel said?

Your girl won the contest.

The Sweetheart of
the Platoon contest.

Rah-rah. Where's my bunk?

Wait a second.

Is that all the
enthusiasm you got?

Your girl just won the contest.

She's won lots of contests.

Beauty contests?

All kinds: baking
contests, cooking contests.

Josie's the pride
of Tylersville.

Write that down...
"Tylersville."

- Her name is Josie.
- What's that?

Oh, nothing. We're
just gonna put that

on the cup, you
see, for the platoon.

- What's her phone number?
- Her phone number?

A phone number. What's her phone
number? Give me a phone number.

Tylersville 652, ring 2.

- Got it?
- Yup.

See, we need that on the cup.

In case you lose the cup,

some stranger will see
the number, call her up

and then she'll
know where it is.

Hello, Josie?

This is Sergeant Bilko.

She has a voice like an angel!

Yes, I'm Ed's sergeant. Yes.

Listen, Ed would like
you to enter in a contest

tomorrow night at Topeka.

Yes. What kind of...?

A baking contest?

Well, you could call it a
cheesecake derby, yes.

Listen, we'll have
to know something.

What are your
measurements, dear?

Write this down.

"Two cups of flour,
six-dozen eggs..."

Oh, she's funny. She's funny!

Yes, you'll make the train.

We'll have somebody
meet you at 7:55.

Good-bye, Josie!

♪♪

Yes?

This is General
Merritt in Washington.

General Merritt!

Who's in charge at Fort
Baxter, you or Billy Rose?

Let me explain, General.

Colonel, you've just ruined
our whole education program.

Years of art projects,
literary groups,

and all for one purpose:

to show the American mother

that her boys in the Army think
about something besides women.

And now this.

"Army Boom Boom Girl
Has Doughboys Drooling."

Now stop that contest!

Don't let those
men off the camp!

But, General, they've
already left for Topeka.

Already left?

Well, go after them.

Stop them.

Yes, sir.

Hey, look at this one.

Get this one.

Bilko, where's Josie?!

She's gonna be here. Relax.

I got Rocco and
Henshaw at the train.

7:55. They're coming.

They're gonna
bring her right here.

You mean she ain't here yet?

Will you relax? She'll be here.

- Excuse me.
- No admittance. Officials only.

Officials only, pal.
What does this look like,

a chicken inspector's badge?

You're all right.

You can't come in here!

Well, good evening, losers.

Oh, just relax, please, please.

Just look at me as
your family physician.

Please, please, please,
leave a lot of room here

because this is where the
winner is gonna dress. Right here.

He acts like this
contest is over already.

Yeah.

Just because that Miss Fort
Baxter got all the publicity.

"Just because she
got all the public..."

Say, if you play
your cards right,

I may get you an
honorable mention.

Let's not overflow on
the dressing room here.

- Let's go, girls.
- Leave room...

- Come on, it's time.
- Where you going?

Where's everybody...
Wait a minute.

- My girl isn't here.
- Everybody into the main ballroom.

You look awful. You
ought to comb your...

Wait a minute.
Wait! She's not here.

- Sorry.
- She'll be...

- Rocco!
- Sarge! Sarge, she's here.

- She here? Bring her in.
- Yeah, she's outside...

Come on! Bring her here!

Who said dreams don't come true?

♪ Here she is, Miss America. ♪

Sergeant Bilko?

Oh, yes, dear, your
granddaughter went with the rest

of the girls into the contest.

Why, Sergeant Bilko,

you brought me
here for the contest.

Well, I wish your daughter
wasn't in this contest,

'cause she hasn't
got a chance this year.

Why, I'm Josie!

Next year, you might have had
a good chance because you're...

- Here's my cheesecake.
- You're Jo...?

You're-you're Josie?

You're Josie?

Oh, where did
you get my picture?

Your picture?

Why, that was
taken 40 years ago.

40 years?

40 years ag...

Hey, Sarge, the colonel
told me I should...

This was taken 40 years ago!

- This...
- Oh, wait.

- Eddie!
- Mother!

Moth...?

You told me this
was your sweetheart!

I'm right sorry, Sarge,

but the men was kidding me,
and, well, she is my sweetheart.

Aw, Eddie, you just got to
stop being a mama's boy.

Do you know what trouble
you got me with my platoon?!

- Hey, Sarge!
- You know what?

- Sarge...
- I'll fix it.

- Don't worry about...
- Forget it, forget it!

Colonel Hall's down at the
main desk looking for us.

- Boy, is he boiling!
- Is he mad?

Mad? He just
court-martialed the room clerk.

Bilko, think of something!

Let me think. I'll
handle it. Go on, go on.

- Who's the old lady?
- Never mind.

Get out, get out!

Now, listen, I'm in a spot.

We got to think of something.

Wait. I'll put a little mascara
on, maybe a heavy makeup...

I'll... Josie, Jo...
Oh, this is you.

I got, I... I got to
think of something.

I got to think of something.

The choice of Wayne
County, Miss Jones Corner.

The choice of Green
County, Miss Ozo City.

And now, finally,
the Army's choice.

Honor guard platoon, hy-hup!

Hup, two, three, four.

Hut. Hut.

Hut, hut, hut.

Platoon... hut, hy-yup!

Left face! Hy-yup!

Atten-hup!

Ladies and gentlemen,
may I present

- Miss...
- Stop! Stop! Stop!

It's all off! It's all off!
Get back to your post!

Oh, Colonel, give
us another minute.

This is gonna be fine.

The Pentagon
will hear about this.

The Pentagon has heard about it!

No, you don't... General
Buffkin will love this, sir.

- Buffkin? Buffkin?
- Believe me.

Just give me another minute.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Fort Baxter!

Bilko, I, uh...

After all, Colonel,
it was your idea.

Ladies and gentlemen, when
our beloved commanding officer,

J.T. Hall, suggested that we
take a poll amongst the GIs

to find which woman represents
the highest standards to us,

there could be one
choice: a mother.

And so that's what
we have chosen.

Our favorite girl,
our sweetheart mom!

Colonel Hall, Colonel
Hall, it was magnificent.

Thank you, thank you, sir.

A stroke of genius!

Now, madam, if we could
just take some pictures.

Right this way, please.

A great story, Bilko!

Now the newsreels
want some pictures.

The newsreels!

Colonel, will you
say a few words?

Well, no, it's your show,
Bilko. It's your show.

Well, I'm really
unprepared, but I did have

this small brochure ready
in case something happened.

Friends of newsreel land,

at last we've eradicated a
false impression about GIs.

The thought is that we
just care about pinup girls.

Nothing could be
further from the truth.

It isn't only that.

When we're alone
in the barracks,

we think constantly of home.

Home and mother and all the...

Colonel, would
you take over for a...

Please, just... Wait
for me, you dirty...

The part of Hannigan
played by Will Able.

The editor was Jack Orrison.

Josie was played
by Judith Lowry.

Miss America was Anne Helm.

Miss Helm's dancing
partner was Don Weissmuller.