The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 1, Episode 23 - Army Memoirs - full transcript
Bilko comes under pressure when the other sergeants complain about his activity on the base. Hall carpets Bilko and the resulting fall out sees Bilko crowned as the oldest private in the army.
Oh, no, not another manuscript
on someone's Army memoirs.
But this one is rather unusual.
Fielding, ever
since the Army put in
that Operation: Shakespeare,
every GI who's ever
gotten past basic training
is writing a book
on his memoirs.
Miss Simpson, return...
"Bilko"? That's a title?
"Bilko"?
Yes, uh, he's a
sergeant. He's the most...
Well, take this
chapter, "Busted."
"Busted"?
Yes, it's how Bilko
lost his sergeant stripes.
"The monthly reports had just
come in from Washington..."
Captain, this is disgraceful!
Three of your four sergeants
reprimanded for
unmilitary conduct.
Colonel, these men are
not sergeants, they're sheep!
Innocent sheep who are led by
the nose by my fourth sergeant.
Bilko. I know. Quiet!
But how come every
month Bilko is the only one
whose records
are never criticized?
That's very simple, sir...
He never keeps records.
Captain, unless you
have definite proof...
Oh, we have, sir.
You'll notice that Supply
Sergeant Pendleton
has been reprimanded
for unmilitary procedure.
Tell the colonel what
happened, Sergeant.
Yes, sir.
Two weeks ago, Sergeant
Bilko sees this picture
of an Air Force flight
jacket with a mouton collar,
and right away he wants
I should order him one.
He treats quartermasters
like I'm Sears, Roebuck.
An Air Force jacket?
Yes, sir.
Go on.
Well, anyways,
I'm finishing my
required requisitions
for some GI galoshes, and the
aforementioned Sergeant Bilko
kindly offers to take
them to the post office.
I see.
Sergeant, tell the
colonel what was delivered
to your supply
depot this morning.
144 Air Force flight jackets.
144 flight jackets?
All Bilko's size.
Oh, no.
With mouton collars.
And they're being
returned at once, sir.
I assure you that Bilko
won't lay a finger on one.
Good. And what
happened in Signal Corps?
Sergeant Grover, tell
us why message center
received an unsatisfactory
mark this month.
Yes, sir.
Last Wednesday, Sergeant
Bilko came to my message center,
and in a secretive manner
suggested that
with a few changes
in the regular Signal
Corps message circuit,
we could put a direct wire
to the rear of a certain
pool room in Roseville.
What?!
I said, "Sergeant Bilko,
this is a most
unmilitary procedure."
And you?
I acquiesced.
And what happened?
What happened? Huh!
Sir, it's-it's right there.
For three days, the
Signal Corps in Washington
has been trying
to contact this post,
and all they could
get were the results
from the Belmont Racetrack.
This is too much!
A direct line to a horse parlor?
And th-that's not
all, Colonel Hall.
Y-Y-You'll find there that
Master Sergeant Sowici
has been given the
severest reprimand.
"For most unsanitary
and disgusting condition
of Company 'B' kitchen."
Sowici, you've always
kept the cleanest kitchen...
What happened?
Tell the colonel,
Sergeant Sowici.
Yes, sir.
It was two weeks ago
Friday when Sergeant Bilko,
carrying a small box,
came into my kitchen.
He said to me, "Sergeant
Sowici, you are a gambling man."
Which, of course, I am not, sir.
Go on.
I said, "Sergeant Bilko,
"Colonel Hall allows
no gambling on this post.
I suggest you about-face
and march out of here at once!"
Good for you!
What was in the box?
Ten cockroaches.
Cockroaches!
Don't say that word.
It's disgusting.
Oh, yes, sir. I was aghast.
However, he went on to
explain that with these ten c...
little strangers, sir,
we could have a
most exciting race.
- A race?
- Yes, sir, to see which of them
could get to a plate of
chipped beef on toast first.
Horrible!
It certainly was
horrible, Colonel.
And just at the moment
when the ten little, uh,
uh, strangers were scurrying
across the kitchen floor,
the sanitation officer
came in for inspection.
Disgusting.
Bilko's little stranger won.
Never mind!
We later found out that he
hadn't fed the thing in a week,
and it went for that plate
of chipped beef on toast
- like a bat out of...
- Never mind!
Yes, sir.
Colonel Hall, how-how
long are these three men
going to suffer at
the hands of Bilko?
How long is this company
going to put up with him...?
Ah, Colonel Hall!
Captain Barker, sir.
Oh, I seem to have interrupted
a high-level strategy meeting.
Never mind.
Oh, these brilliant moves
that spell the difference
between victory and defeat.
And to think, the
Pentagon gets all the credit.
How unfair. Sir, if
you'll just sign this,
I'll be off and on my way, sir.
- Sign what?
- It's my citation, sir.
I'm Sergeant of the
Month, you know.
- You are...
- Well, it's the colonel's
own ruling... There it
is written right there,
"The sergeant with
the cleanest record
- gets the citation."
- Forget it!
Forget it, sir?
Sir, am I to be penalized
for the slipshod manner
- that my other sergeants...
- Quiet!
No offense, boys,
but next month let's get
our shoulder to the wheel
and put it over the top, boys!
Bil-Bilko... your fellow
sergeants have been telling me
some very interesting
things about you.
Oh, they have? Oh,
boys, you shouldn't have.
These little things I do for
you come from the heart, boys.
Yeah, like those Air
Force flight jackets?
With the mouton collars?
Adorable, aren't they?
Oh, Andy, you don't
have to get them for me.
I want no thanks for that
money I raised for your cousin
when he got into
that, shall we say,
little scrape in Toledo.
But that was seven years ago!
Seven years? And
he still remembers it.
Sir, he's an
elephant, an elephant!
- Bilko!
- Oh, he's all heart,
sir, all heart.
I practically had to force
the ten dollars on him
that he wanted
for the alterations.
- Pendleton!
- Oh, please don't listen
to any more what
they say about me, sir.
They worship me.
It'll be embarrassing.
- Bilko!
- Sir?
Sergeant Grover tells
me a very interesting story
about a direct line
to a horse parlor.
Steve, you shouldn't have!
Oh, why did you?
I wanted him to
get the credit, sir.
Credit? For a direct line
- to a horse parlor?
- Yes, sir, I thought
it'd be wonderful exercise
for the men in wiretapping.
It's the coming
thing, you know, sir.
- This little brain of mine...
- Bilko, you put in that line?
Oh, yes, putting in the line
was my idea, but collecting
ten percent of the bets
was Grover's idea, sir.
Grover!
- Well...
- Is this true?
I thought, sir, being that
we were doing all the work...
And a magnificent
job they do, sir.
I understand that you found a
new and very interesting way
of extracting money from Sowici.
Oh, Stanley!
You didn't have to
tell him these things!
He worships me, sir.
I'm not the saint he
thinks I am, really.
What are you talking about?
Well, I assume he told
you about what happened
between us during the war?
You gonna bring that up again?
Well, isn't that what
you told the colonel?
About the time you
were stuck in the foxhole
under the broiling sun, and
through machine-gun fire
I crawled to you to give
you that glass of water?
Sowici, is that true?
Yes, sir.
- Oh.
- I figured it out, sir.
Until today, that glass
of water has cost me
over $11,000.
Oh, let's not bother the
colonel with these little figures
- that are unimportant...
- Colonel Hall, p-please,
please don't let
Bilko get away with it.
He-He must be disciplined.
The men thought that if you'd
take away his stripes, then
- perhaps they could actually...
- Yes, at once!
Take away... No,
not my stripes, sir!
Not that I care, sir, but...
but those newspapers...
The newspapers?
Oh, you know how they
love to hound the Army,
how they love to
embarrass the Army.
They'll investigate.
They'll want to know
why the one sergeant
with a clean record has to
have his stripes removed.
Colonel, this is
a private matter.
Sir, these things do leak out.
Personally, my
lips are sealed, sir.
I'll say nothing.
He's right.
Colonel, he did it again!
Captain, I am running this post.
Yes, sir.
You men will
return to your duties.
You heard the
colonel. On the double.
Hi-yup. Hut, two, three,
four. Hut, two, three, four.
Hut, two... Oh, my citation,
sir... if you'll just sign this,
I'll be off and on my way, sir.
- No.
- Oh, it's just a little memento I want
for the twilight of my life, to
remember being with you, sir...
- No!
- No?
All right, sir, for
the time being.
Thank you very much, sir.
What's the matter?
Poor little sergeants
feeling badly?
You look gray, positively gray.
Tattletale gray!
Now, look, Bilko, someday
those stripes are gonna come off,
and when they do...
Quiet, you miserable
stool pigeons!
Ran to the colonel, huh?
What good would it do you?
Suppose he had
taken my stripes off.
Ha-ha!
Why, in 24 hours, the
colonel would personally
be sewing those stripes
back on my sleeve.
The colonel?
The colonel would
be sewing the sleeve?
A double stitch!
A double stitch?
Single stitch. Just baste
them lightly, it doesn't...
- Quiet!
- I was only clowning with the men, sir.
Quiet! Bilko, that does it!
I see you understand
only one language.
At ease, Private Bilko.
Private Bilko!
Pri... Really, sir,
I'll have to change
- Quiet!
- All my stationery, sir.
Quiet!
These men are
your superiors now.
You're in their hands.
In our hands!
Now, now, now, now, wait.
- Okay, get into your fatigues!
- Now, wait a minute.
Bilko in fatigues!
You know, he may
get the O.P.A. medal!
- O.P.A.?
- Yeah, Oldest Private in the Army.
Oh, wouldn't that be neat?
Ah-ha. Oh, funny, funny!
Get into your fatigues!
Yes.
"Yes"?
Come back here.
Yes what?
Yes, Sergeant.
"Yes, Sergeant."
Eight years I been waiting
for you to say that to me.
"Yes, Sergeant."
Make him say it to me.
Say it to him!
Yes, Sergeant.
Having fun, uh-huh.
Remember what I told you fellas.
24 hours?
No, I changed my schedule.
In 12 hours.
Two for flinching.
Hey, hey, Sowici, maybe
we pushed him too far.
- Ohh...
- You know that brain of his.
Now, wait a minute, we got
him just where we want him.
We got to stick together
to keep him there.
We got to stay united, you
know, a stone wall against him.
A stone wall!
"a stone wall against Bilko."
This is exciting.
Does Bilko get his stripes back?
Wait a minute, wait.
"The news of Bilko's
fall swept the post."
I don't believe it.
Sarge, a private?
Just temporarily.
12 hours I'll get
those stripes back.
Goofing off already, dogface?
Get these 24
typewriters off the truck
and into my supply
room on the double!
Yes, Sergeant Pendleton.
Yeah, and that's
only the beginning.
See what I'm up against?
What is this? "24 typewriters
delivered as per
Special Bulletin 15-A."
Well, I'm...
What?
Bulletin 15-A.
Clickety-clickety-click.
- This is it!
- What's it? What, sir?
I may do this in six hours.
Get me Henshaw.
Henshaw, on the double!
Oh, you're here.
Look, get right down to the
supply room, you understand?
Here's what I want you to do.
You get me a typewriter...
Relax, fellas, take it easy.
I got a Private Bilko coming
in to do the dirty work.
Oh, Kadowski, hang this Air
Force flight jacket right here,
so Bilko can eat his heart
out while he's working.
Hey, Pendleton,
check me out, will ya?
Hey, who gets the typewriter?
Bilko? Bilko
don't get a thing...
You got to give it to
him... Bulletin 15-A.
15-A? Operation: Shakespeare?
Yeah, hurry it up, will ya?
Yeah, yeah.
"Typewriters are to
be made available
to encourage enlisted personnel
in pursuit of literary efforts"!
Sign, will ya?
Oh, sure.
Thanks.
- "Literary efforts"?
- Yeah...
That means he's writing a book!
- Book? Who's writing a book?
- Bilko.
Bilko's writing a
book? About what?
About what? What else? The Army!
- Hey, hey, what's up?
- What's up?!
Bilko's writing an
exposé of Fort Baxter!
I hope he keeps
my name out of it!
Oh, I guess he'll just
mention those guys
that were mean to him.
Ah, he's bluffing.
He's bluffing!
Oh, sure, like the guy who
wrote The Naked and the Dead.
He was bluffing, too, huh?
I got to see Grover.
Yeah, I heard about it.
It's sweeping the post.
Yeah, well, what's
he gonna write in it?
I heard he was calling it
Monsters I Have Known.
I understand it's gonna
make Confidential look
like Snow White and
the Seven Dwarfs.
No.
Well?
Let's go see Sowici.
Well, what are you
getting panicky for?
It's only a book.
I hear it's like No
Time For Sergeants.
Except that when
Bilko's book comes out,
some sergeants
will be doing time.
You started this, Sowici.
You said, "Let's
go see the captain."
I always liked Ernie.
"I Always liked Ernie."
Why don't you
shut up, you stupes?
Go ahead, let
him write his book.
He's got nothing on us.
Take a break.
Has he?
- No, but you don't know.
- No, but I just...
No, but nothing. So what
are we worried about?
Go ahead, let
him write his book.
We got to stick together.
We got to be a stone
wall against him.
A stone wall...
"The stone wall was shaky,
"but could Bilko shatter
it in just six hours?
"Back in his room,
Private Bilko was getting
ready for his first work detail."
What kind of a book
are you writing, Sarge?
Book? Who's writing a book?
But everybody says
you're writing an exposé
on the inside
secrets of Fort Baxter.
How can I write a book?
I don't even know how to type.
The whole post is in a panic.
They think that you know
- the ins...
- I know what they think.
The think I know every skeleton
in every closet on the post.
I don't... but it's
time I found out.
How?
How? Psychology.
Excuse me.
Sergeant Pendleton
is waiting to tell me all.
Uh, excuse me, Sarge.
I-I don't want to be stupid,
but just by using psychology,
you can make people
spill out their secrets?
It's like turning on a
faucet, and out it comes.
Well, The FBI in War and Peace.
I wonder if Bilko's
book will be a bestseller.
I heard the Book of the
Month Club is interested.
Ah, you guys make me sick.
He ain't got a thing
on me. Not a thing.
My conscience is clear.
Oh, aren't you a little late
for your detail, Shakespeare?
Ah.
Ah, you like it, huh?
You like it. Nice.
Eat your heart out!
You're gonna work, Bilko.
You're gonna get back
to your bunk too tired
to write lies about anybody.
Andy, please.
You're getting shrill.
Ah, you don't... You haven't
got a thing you can prove
with that book you're writing.
Book? Who's writing a book?
What is this nonsense?
Oh, incidentally, I need
a new typewriter ribbon.
Already?!
What are you so panicky about?
You act like you're
frightened to death!
Me? Me, afraid?
Oh, you got the
wrong place, Mac.
Take a look at these stacks.
Everything double entry.
Go ahead, examine 'em.
Double entry, huh?
Yeah, since '43.
Well, I guess after
what happened,
you had to change
your system, didn't you?
Excuse me. I have
to get back to...
Now, wait a minute.
What-What-What...
What do you mean,
after what happened?
Nothing. These things
happen. You can't stop 'em.
- I have to help the boys...
- Hold it a minute.
Hey, fellas, take a break.
How did you find out?
Find out what? I don't know
what you're talking about.
They promised me it
would all be hushed up.
Andy, you're hysterical.
"Andy," they said, "no
one will ever know."
I know nothing. I don't know...
How long does a
man have to suffer
for one little mistake?
I don't even want to listen.
And now you're gonna print that?
Print what, Andy?
Ernie, give me a break.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Oh. No, you don't know.
As if you didn't know
that I outfitted an entire
regiment headed for Africa
in fur coats and snowshoes.
Well, these things happen, Andy.
You can't help yourself.
"Wrong Way Pendleton,"
they called me.
Well, it's a natural...
I thought they were
going to Alaska.
Look, a mistake is a mistake.
Yeah. You... You print
that in your book, Ernie,
- and I swear, I'll deny it.
- Print? What do I have to print?
- I'll deny the whole thing.
- Oh, it's just a mistake.
You can't prove any...
How do you like your cuff?
Not too snug. Watch that.
It was during the war.
They gave me the
wrong zone number.
Is there enough drape for you?
Give me a sweep to it, a sweep.
I've already been laughed
out of three companies.
If it happens...
Do you want the
collar Hollanderized?
No. I think you keep it fluffy.
Keep it just...
I think... Fluffy!
Pendleton!
Well, it was his
size anyway, sir.
Excuse me. I have to see Grover.
So, you cracked, huh?
And now you want me to be
nice to him to save your hide.
But Steve, a regiment with
fur coats landing in Africa.
If he prints that, I'm...
Just too bad you can't
control that big mouth of yours.
Now suffer for it.
Stevie, 3,000 guys
crossing the Sahara
Desert on snowshoes.
Well, you was always
a weakling, Andy,
but this time, he's
up against a rock.
He won't get anything from me.
Well, well, well, if
it isn't the author.
I got about 100 miles
of wire for you to string.
Oh, don't be silly, Steve.
Oh, incidentally,
you never did let me
put that long-distance call
through to Paris, did you?
Paris. That'll be the day.
Oh, excuse me.
Is this the chair that
was empty during the alert
on Pearl Harbor Day?
Oh, so that's it.
No. I was just curious.
I wonder why Fort Baxter had
to get the news of Pearl Harbor
from the local milkman.
You struck out again.
I wasn't even on duty.
I was in town.
In town?
During an alert?
You heard what he said.
Get him Paris.
- Here's the number.
- Ernie, have a heart.
Open circuit overseas.
Emergency. Paris, France.
Get me Pigalle, 6-3-6-5.
Tell him it's a candy
store, but they'll call her.
Ernie, it was just an
ordinary alert. Who knew...?
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
ooh, ooh, wait a minute.
It's 3:55. Time for the
fourth race at Rockingham.
But I took that wire out of...
Fourth race. Check.
Ready on your
call to Paris, Sarge.
Hey, that was quick. Hello.
Let me... Yvonne!
Comment ça va?
It-It... It's Bilko.
Sergeant Bilko.
Oui.
No, no, no. Ernie
Bil... Chocolat.
Ah! Now she... Oh.
Where is Grover?
Please. I'm on
long distance, sir.
Oh, you men are
going to pay for this
once Sergeant
Grover hears about it...
Here's the results of the
fourth race at Rockingham.
It was first, Crying
Tony, paying 640 and...
- Oh!
- Grover!
Get back here.
Bilko, put down that phone.
Voulez-v...?
Uh, excusez-moi, Yvonne.
Capitaine...he wants me.
The... le Capitaine.
"What is Capitaine"?
Uh, uh... beaucoup chocolat.
Yeah. Well...
She wants to talk to you, sir.
Put down that phone!
I've got to go now. Yeah.
Au revoir, Yvonne.
All right, baby.
Well, Sergeant Grover.
Excuse me, sir. I have
to see Sergeant Sowici.
Grover! You tell Sergeant Sowici
that he can have Bilko for KP.
He'll know what to do.
Yes, sir.
Oh, Ernie, it's gonna
be murder on that KP,
but I'll talk to Sowici.
Don't say anything to him.
- Just say one word.
- One word?
- "Tomatoes."
- "Tomatoes"?
Just say that... "tomatoes."
On the double.
Tomatoes?
You got something on
Sowici about tomatoes?
No.
But he'll tell me something.
Why, you guys nauseate me.
You nauseate me!
Pearl Harbor Day.
I can see it in print.
3,000 guys on snowshoes.
So you want me
to be nice to him,
so he won't write
about you in his book?
I'm gonna be nice
to him, all right.
You see that pile of
potatoes over there?
You see that load of
pots and pans over there?
You see that mop?
And that ain't all.
While he's down on
his hands and knees
scrubbing and peeling,
I'll be sitting right
here in front of him
eating his favorite foods.
Crêpe suzette...
in flaming Napoleon brandy.
Sipping champagne,
his favorite year.
And he'll be right
in front of me,
his eyes popping,
while he's kneeling
and peeling and drooling.
He said we should mention
to you about tomatoes.
This is murder.
- That Bilko...
- Stanley!
Stanley, he'll ruin us!
Tomatoes?
3,000 soldiers wearing
earmuffs in a jungle.
Tomatoes?
We'll be ruined.
He couldn't know about that.
That was 13 years
ago in New Guinea.
He knows everything!
Even the general admitted
that they looked like peaches.
Tomatoes.
Well, Sowici,
ready to go to work.
- Oh, Ernie, just in time.
- Ernie!
- What?
- Be my guest.
- What are you fellas doing?
- Sit down here.
- What is this?
- Go on here. Sit down.
Say, this is very
nice. What are you...?
- For you.
- Crêpe suzette?
- For me? W...?
- For you.
In-In burning Napoleon
brandy, just as you like it.
- But why? Why for me?
- Why? Why? Tell him why?
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ Low... ♪
♪ Which nobody can deny. ♪
Quiet!
I just can't believe it.
All three of you men begging
me to give Bilko his stripes back.
Six hours on the nose.
I heard that.
Just kidding, sir.
Just making a little remark.
Very clever, Bilko.
So you're writing a book,
and all three of these trembling
hulks are afraid of you now.
I don't know where this
rumor started... writing a book.
Really, sir.
All right, write your book.
Write all the nasty rumors
and mistakes you can think of.
And add one big chapter.
How you bragged that you
were gonna get the colonel
to pin on your stripes,
but you found out that he
was made of sterner stuff.
Sir, I admit that...
All right, get back
to your duties.
Thank you, sir...
Colonel, may I say in
parting, there is no animosity,
and I'll always be
proud of the fact
and think of it
with great affection
that I served under
a commanding officer
who was first in his
graduating class at West Point.
Bilko, if you're writing a book,
you better get
your facts straight.
I was 17th in my class.
Oh, I know, sir, but you
would have been first if...
- Excuse me, sir. I must go.
- If what, Bilko?
Nothing. J-Just a chance
remark I happened to make.
- Your point?
- Nothing at all, sir.
I meant nothing by it.
- Bilko, you wouldn't dare.
- Sir...
You wouldn't dare!
I-I don't know what you're...
Bilko, I was only
23 at the time.
They told me it was
strong lemonade.
I know, sir. You were
just a baby, just a baby.
Bilko, in my condition,
how could I know
it was ladies night
at that Turkish bath?
Believe me, sir,
you can trust me, sir.
I won't say a word.
"Did Colonel Hall
sew on Bilko's stripes?"
Did he, sir?
Did he actually do it, sir?
Wait. Wait. The
answer's right here.
"Now the truth can be told.
"No, he did not
sew on those stripes.
"Bilko's colonel
had too much honor,
too much self-respect
to do a thing like that."
The end.
Shall we publish it?
Not a chance. It's
too unbelievable.
Send this back to the
author with this rejection.
"Colonel J.T. Hall...
Fort Baxter, Kansas.
"Dear Colonel Hall, we've
read your manuscript,
"but feel at the present time
we cannot publish
another military memoir..."
Harry Clark as Sergeant Sowici.
Jimmy Little was seen
as Sergeant Grover.
Ned Glass appeared
as Sergeant Pendleton.
Nicholas Saunders was seen
as Captain Barker.
on someone's Army memoirs.
But this one is rather unusual.
Fielding, ever
since the Army put in
that Operation: Shakespeare,
every GI who's ever
gotten past basic training
is writing a book
on his memoirs.
Miss Simpson, return...
"Bilko"? That's a title?
"Bilko"?
Yes, uh, he's a
sergeant. He's the most...
Well, take this
chapter, "Busted."
"Busted"?
Yes, it's how Bilko
lost his sergeant stripes.
"The monthly reports had just
come in from Washington..."
Captain, this is disgraceful!
Three of your four sergeants
reprimanded for
unmilitary conduct.
Colonel, these men are
not sergeants, they're sheep!
Innocent sheep who are led by
the nose by my fourth sergeant.
Bilko. I know. Quiet!
But how come every
month Bilko is the only one
whose records
are never criticized?
That's very simple, sir...
He never keeps records.
Captain, unless you
have definite proof...
Oh, we have, sir.
You'll notice that Supply
Sergeant Pendleton
has been reprimanded
for unmilitary procedure.
Tell the colonel what
happened, Sergeant.
Yes, sir.
Two weeks ago, Sergeant
Bilko sees this picture
of an Air Force flight
jacket with a mouton collar,
and right away he wants
I should order him one.
He treats quartermasters
like I'm Sears, Roebuck.
An Air Force jacket?
Yes, sir.
Go on.
Well, anyways,
I'm finishing my
required requisitions
for some GI galoshes, and the
aforementioned Sergeant Bilko
kindly offers to take
them to the post office.
I see.
Sergeant, tell the
colonel what was delivered
to your supply
depot this morning.
144 Air Force flight jackets.
144 flight jackets?
All Bilko's size.
Oh, no.
With mouton collars.
And they're being
returned at once, sir.
I assure you that Bilko
won't lay a finger on one.
Good. And what
happened in Signal Corps?
Sergeant Grover, tell
us why message center
received an unsatisfactory
mark this month.
Yes, sir.
Last Wednesday, Sergeant
Bilko came to my message center,
and in a secretive manner
suggested that
with a few changes
in the regular Signal
Corps message circuit,
we could put a direct wire
to the rear of a certain
pool room in Roseville.
What?!
I said, "Sergeant Bilko,
this is a most
unmilitary procedure."
And you?
I acquiesced.
And what happened?
What happened? Huh!
Sir, it's-it's right there.
For three days, the
Signal Corps in Washington
has been trying
to contact this post,
and all they could
get were the results
from the Belmont Racetrack.
This is too much!
A direct line to a horse parlor?
And th-that's not
all, Colonel Hall.
Y-Y-You'll find there that
Master Sergeant Sowici
has been given the
severest reprimand.
"For most unsanitary
and disgusting condition
of Company 'B' kitchen."
Sowici, you've always
kept the cleanest kitchen...
What happened?
Tell the colonel,
Sergeant Sowici.
Yes, sir.
It was two weeks ago
Friday when Sergeant Bilko,
carrying a small box,
came into my kitchen.
He said to me, "Sergeant
Sowici, you are a gambling man."
Which, of course, I am not, sir.
Go on.
I said, "Sergeant Bilko,
"Colonel Hall allows
no gambling on this post.
I suggest you about-face
and march out of here at once!"
Good for you!
What was in the box?
Ten cockroaches.
Cockroaches!
Don't say that word.
It's disgusting.
Oh, yes, sir. I was aghast.
However, he went on to
explain that with these ten c...
little strangers, sir,
we could have a
most exciting race.
- A race?
- Yes, sir, to see which of them
could get to a plate of
chipped beef on toast first.
Horrible!
It certainly was
horrible, Colonel.
And just at the moment
when the ten little, uh,
uh, strangers were scurrying
across the kitchen floor,
the sanitation officer
came in for inspection.
Disgusting.
Bilko's little stranger won.
Never mind!
We later found out that he
hadn't fed the thing in a week,
and it went for that plate
of chipped beef on toast
- like a bat out of...
- Never mind!
Yes, sir.
Colonel Hall, how-how
long are these three men
going to suffer at
the hands of Bilko?
How long is this company
going to put up with him...?
Ah, Colonel Hall!
Captain Barker, sir.
Oh, I seem to have interrupted
a high-level strategy meeting.
Never mind.
Oh, these brilliant moves
that spell the difference
between victory and defeat.
And to think, the
Pentagon gets all the credit.
How unfair. Sir, if
you'll just sign this,
I'll be off and on my way, sir.
- Sign what?
- It's my citation, sir.
I'm Sergeant of the
Month, you know.
- You are...
- Well, it's the colonel's
own ruling... There it
is written right there,
"The sergeant with
the cleanest record
- gets the citation."
- Forget it!
Forget it, sir?
Sir, am I to be penalized
for the slipshod manner
- that my other sergeants...
- Quiet!
No offense, boys,
but next month let's get
our shoulder to the wheel
and put it over the top, boys!
Bil-Bilko... your fellow
sergeants have been telling me
some very interesting
things about you.
Oh, they have? Oh,
boys, you shouldn't have.
These little things I do for
you come from the heart, boys.
Yeah, like those Air
Force flight jackets?
With the mouton collars?
Adorable, aren't they?
Oh, Andy, you don't
have to get them for me.
I want no thanks for that
money I raised for your cousin
when he got into
that, shall we say,
little scrape in Toledo.
But that was seven years ago!
Seven years? And
he still remembers it.
Sir, he's an
elephant, an elephant!
- Bilko!
- Oh, he's all heart,
sir, all heart.
I practically had to force
the ten dollars on him
that he wanted
for the alterations.
- Pendleton!
- Oh, please don't listen
to any more what
they say about me, sir.
They worship me.
It'll be embarrassing.
- Bilko!
- Sir?
Sergeant Grover tells
me a very interesting story
about a direct line
to a horse parlor.
Steve, you shouldn't have!
Oh, why did you?
I wanted him to
get the credit, sir.
Credit? For a direct line
- to a horse parlor?
- Yes, sir, I thought
it'd be wonderful exercise
for the men in wiretapping.
It's the coming
thing, you know, sir.
- This little brain of mine...
- Bilko, you put in that line?
Oh, yes, putting in the line
was my idea, but collecting
ten percent of the bets
was Grover's idea, sir.
Grover!
- Well...
- Is this true?
I thought, sir, being that
we were doing all the work...
And a magnificent
job they do, sir.
I understand that you found a
new and very interesting way
of extracting money from Sowici.
Oh, Stanley!
You didn't have to
tell him these things!
He worships me, sir.
I'm not the saint he
thinks I am, really.
What are you talking about?
Well, I assume he told
you about what happened
between us during the war?
You gonna bring that up again?
Well, isn't that what
you told the colonel?
About the time you
were stuck in the foxhole
under the broiling sun, and
through machine-gun fire
I crawled to you to give
you that glass of water?
Sowici, is that true?
Yes, sir.
- Oh.
- I figured it out, sir.
Until today, that glass
of water has cost me
over $11,000.
Oh, let's not bother the
colonel with these little figures
- that are unimportant...
- Colonel Hall, p-please,
please don't let
Bilko get away with it.
He-He must be disciplined.
The men thought that if you'd
take away his stripes, then
- perhaps they could actually...
- Yes, at once!
Take away... No,
not my stripes, sir!
Not that I care, sir, but...
but those newspapers...
The newspapers?
Oh, you know how they
love to hound the Army,
how they love to
embarrass the Army.
They'll investigate.
They'll want to know
why the one sergeant
with a clean record has to
have his stripes removed.
Colonel, this is
a private matter.
Sir, these things do leak out.
Personally, my
lips are sealed, sir.
I'll say nothing.
He's right.
Colonel, he did it again!
Captain, I am running this post.
Yes, sir.
You men will
return to your duties.
You heard the
colonel. On the double.
Hi-yup. Hut, two, three,
four. Hut, two, three, four.
Hut, two... Oh, my citation,
sir... if you'll just sign this,
I'll be off and on my way, sir.
- No.
- Oh, it's just a little memento I want
for the twilight of my life, to
remember being with you, sir...
- No!
- No?
All right, sir, for
the time being.
Thank you very much, sir.
What's the matter?
Poor little sergeants
feeling badly?
You look gray, positively gray.
Tattletale gray!
Now, look, Bilko, someday
those stripes are gonna come off,
and when they do...
Quiet, you miserable
stool pigeons!
Ran to the colonel, huh?
What good would it do you?
Suppose he had
taken my stripes off.
Ha-ha!
Why, in 24 hours, the
colonel would personally
be sewing those stripes
back on my sleeve.
The colonel?
The colonel would
be sewing the sleeve?
A double stitch!
A double stitch?
Single stitch. Just baste
them lightly, it doesn't...
- Quiet!
- I was only clowning with the men, sir.
Quiet! Bilko, that does it!
I see you understand
only one language.
At ease, Private Bilko.
Private Bilko!
Pri... Really, sir,
I'll have to change
- Quiet!
- All my stationery, sir.
Quiet!
These men are
your superiors now.
You're in their hands.
In our hands!
Now, now, now, now, wait.
- Okay, get into your fatigues!
- Now, wait a minute.
Bilko in fatigues!
You know, he may
get the O.P.A. medal!
- O.P.A.?
- Yeah, Oldest Private in the Army.
Oh, wouldn't that be neat?
Ah-ha. Oh, funny, funny!
Get into your fatigues!
Yes.
"Yes"?
Come back here.
Yes what?
Yes, Sergeant.
"Yes, Sergeant."
Eight years I been waiting
for you to say that to me.
"Yes, Sergeant."
Make him say it to me.
Say it to him!
Yes, Sergeant.
Having fun, uh-huh.
Remember what I told you fellas.
24 hours?
No, I changed my schedule.
In 12 hours.
Two for flinching.
Hey, hey, Sowici, maybe
we pushed him too far.
- Ohh...
- You know that brain of his.
Now, wait a minute, we got
him just where we want him.
We got to stick together
to keep him there.
We got to stay united, you
know, a stone wall against him.
A stone wall!
"a stone wall against Bilko."
This is exciting.
Does Bilko get his stripes back?
Wait a minute, wait.
"The news of Bilko's
fall swept the post."
I don't believe it.
Sarge, a private?
Just temporarily.
12 hours I'll get
those stripes back.
Goofing off already, dogface?
Get these 24
typewriters off the truck
and into my supply
room on the double!
Yes, Sergeant Pendleton.
Yeah, and that's
only the beginning.
See what I'm up against?
What is this? "24 typewriters
delivered as per
Special Bulletin 15-A."
Well, I'm...
What?
Bulletin 15-A.
Clickety-clickety-click.
- This is it!
- What's it? What, sir?
I may do this in six hours.
Get me Henshaw.
Henshaw, on the double!
Oh, you're here.
Look, get right down to the
supply room, you understand?
Here's what I want you to do.
You get me a typewriter...
Relax, fellas, take it easy.
I got a Private Bilko coming
in to do the dirty work.
Oh, Kadowski, hang this Air
Force flight jacket right here,
so Bilko can eat his heart
out while he's working.
Hey, Pendleton,
check me out, will ya?
Hey, who gets the typewriter?
Bilko? Bilko
don't get a thing...
You got to give it to
him... Bulletin 15-A.
15-A? Operation: Shakespeare?
Yeah, hurry it up, will ya?
Yeah, yeah.
"Typewriters are to
be made available
to encourage enlisted personnel
in pursuit of literary efforts"!
Sign, will ya?
Oh, sure.
Thanks.
- "Literary efforts"?
- Yeah...
That means he's writing a book!
- Book? Who's writing a book?
- Bilko.
Bilko's writing a
book? About what?
About what? What else? The Army!
- Hey, hey, what's up?
- What's up?!
Bilko's writing an
exposé of Fort Baxter!
I hope he keeps
my name out of it!
Oh, I guess he'll just
mention those guys
that were mean to him.
Ah, he's bluffing.
He's bluffing!
Oh, sure, like the guy who
wrote The Naked and the Dead.
He was bluffing, too, huh?
I got to see Grover.
Yeah, I heard about it.
It's sweeping the post.
Yeah, well, what's
he gonna write in it?
I heard he was calling it
Monsters I Have Known.
I understand it's gonna
make Confidential look
like Snow White and
the Seven Dwarfs.
No.
Well?
Let's go see Sowici.
Well, what are you
getting panicky for?
It's only a book.
I hear it's like No
Time For Sergeants.
Except that when
Bilko's book comes out,
some sergeants
will be doing time.
You started this, Sowici.
You said, "Let's
go see the captain."
I always liked Ernie.
"I Always liked Ernie."
Why don't you
shut up, you stupes?
Go ahead, let
him write his book.
He's got nothing on us.
Take a break.
Has he?
- No, but you don't know.
- No, but I just...
No, but nothing. So what
are we worried about?
Go ahead, let
him write his book.
We got to stick together.
We got to be a stone
wall against him.
A stone wall...
"The stone wall was shaky,
"but could Bilko shatter
it in just six hours?
"Back in his room,
Private Bilko was getting
ready for his first work detail."
What kind of a book
are you writing, Sarge?
Book? Who's writing a book?
But everybody says
you're writing an exposé
on the inside
secrets of Fort Baxter.
How can I write a book?
I don't even know how to type.
The whole post is in a panic.
They think that you know
- the ins...
- I know what they think.
The think I know every skeleton
in every closet on the post.
I don't... but it's
time I found out.
How?
How? Psychology.
Excuse me.
Sergeant Pendleton
is waiting to tell me all.
Uh, excuse me, Sarge.
I-I don't want to be stupid,
but just by using psychology,
you can make people
spill out their secrets?
It's like turning on a
faucet, and out it comes.
Well, The FBI in War and Peace.
I wonder if Bilko's
book will be a bestseller.
I heard the Book of the
Month Club is interested.
Ah, you guys make me sick.
He ain't got a thing
on me. Not a thing.
My conscience is clear.
Oh, aren't you a little late
for your detail, Shakespeare?
Ah.
Ah, you like it, huh?
You like it. Nice.
Eat your heart out!
You're gonna work, Bilko.
You're gonna get back
to your bunk too tired
to write lies about anybody.
Andy, please.
You're getting shrill.
Ah, you don't... You haven't
got a thing you can prove
with that book you're writing.
Book? Who's writing a book?
What is this nonsense?
Oh, incidentally, I need
a new typewriter ribbon.
Already?!
What are you so panicky about?
You act like you're
frightened to death!
Me? Me, afraid?
Oh, you got the
wrong place, Mac.
Take a look at these stacks.
Everything double entry.
Go ahead, examine 'em.
Double entry, huh?
Yeah, since '43.
Well, I guess after
what happened,
you had to change
your system, didn't you?
Excuse me. I have
to get back to...
Now, wait a minute.
What-What-What...
What do you mean,
after what happened?
Nothing. These things
happen. You can't stop 'em.
- I have to help the boys...
- Hold it a minute.
Hey, fellas, take a break.
How did you find out?
Find out what? I don't know
what you're talking about.
They promised me it
would all be hushed up.
Andy, you're hysterical.
"Andy," they said, "no
one will ever know."
I know nothing. I don't know...
How long does a
man have to suffer
for one little mistake?
I don't even want to listen.
And now you're gonna print that?
Print what, Andy?
Ernie, give me a break.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Oh. No, you don't know.
As if you didn't know
that I outfitted an entire
regiment headed for Africa
in fur coats and snowshoes.
Well, these things happen, Andy.
You can't help yourself.
"Wrong Way Pendleton,"
they called me.
Well, it's a natural...
I thought they were
going to Alaska.
Look, a mistake is a mistake.
Yeah. You... You print
that in your book, Ernie,
- and I swear, I'll deny it.
- Print? What do I have to print?
- I'll deny the whole thing.
- Oh, it's just a mistake.
You can't prove any...
How do you like your cuff?
Not too snug. Watch that.
It was during the war.
They gave me the
wrong zone number.
Is there enough drape for you?
Give me a sweep to it, a sweep.
I've already been laughed
out of three companies.
If it happens...
Do you want the
collar Hollanderized?
No. I think you keep it fluffy.
Keep it just...
I think... Fluffy!
Pendleton!
Well, it was his
size anyway, sir.
Excuse me. I have to see Grover.
So, you cracked, huh?
And now you want me to be
nice to him to save your hide.
But Steve, a regiment with
fur coats landing in Africa.
If he prints that, I'm...
Just too bad you can't
control that big mouth of yours.
Now suffer for it.
Stevie, 3,000 guys
crossing the Sahara
Desert on snowshoes.
Well, you was always
a weakling, Andy,
but this time, he's
up against a rock.
He won't get anything from me.
Well, well, well, if
it isn't the author.
I got about 100 miles
of wire for you to string.
Oh, don't be silly, Steve.
Oh, incidentally,
you never did let me
put that long-distance call
through to Paris, did you?
Paris. That'll be the day.
Oh, excuse me.
Is this the chair that
was empty during the alert
on Pearl Harbor Day?
Oh, so that's it.
No. I was just curious.
I wonder why Fort Baxter had
to get the news of Pearl Harbor
from the local milkman.
You struck out again.
I wasn't even on duty.
I was in town.
In town?
During an alert?
You heard what he said.
Get him Paris.
- Here's the number.
- Ernie, have a heart.
Open circuit overseas.
Emergency. Paris, France.
Get me Pigalle, 6-3-6-5.
Tell him it's a candy
store, but they'll call her.
Ernie, it was just an
ordinary alert. Who knew...?
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
ooh, ooh, wait a minute.
It's 3:55. Time for the
fourth race at Rockingham.
But I took that wire out of...
Fourth race. Check.
Ready on your
call to Paris, Sarge.
Hey, that was quick. Hello.
Let me... Yvonne!
Comment ça va?
It-It... It's Bilko.
Sergeant Bilko.
Oui.
No, no, no. Ernie
Bil... Chocolat.
Ah! Now she... Oh.
Where is Grover?
Please. I'm on
long distance, sir.
Oh, you men are
going to pay for this
once Sergeant
Grover hears about it...
Here's the results of the
fourth race at Rockingham.
It was first, Crying
Tony, paying 640 and...
- Oh!
- Grover!
Get back here.
Bilko, put down that phone.
Voulez-v...?
Uh, excusez-moi, Yvonne.
Capitaine...he wants me.
The... le Capitaine.
"What is Capitaine"?
Uh, uh... beaucoup chocolat.
Yeah. Well...
She wants to talk to you, sir.
Put down that phone!
I've got to go now. Yeah.
Au revoir, Yvonne.
All right, baby.
Well, Sergeant Grover.
Excuse me, sir. I have
to see Sergeant Sowici.
Grover! You tell Sergeant Sowici
that he can have Bilko for KP.
He'll know what to do.
Yes, sir.
Oh, Ernie, it's gonna
be murder on that KP,
but I'll talk to Sowici.
Don't say anything to him.
- Just say one word.
- One word?
- "Tomatoes."
- "Tomatoes"?
Just say that... "tomatoes."
On the double.
Tomatoes?
You got something on
Sowici about tomatoes?
No.
But he'll tell me something.
Why, you guys nauseate me.
You nauseate me!
Pearl Harbor Day.
I can see it in print.
3,000 guys on snowshoes.
So you want me
to be nice to him,
so he won't write
about you in his book?
I'm gonna be nice
to him, all right.
You see that pile of
potatoes over there?
You see that load of
pots and pans over there?
You see that mop?
And that ain't all.
While he's down on
his hands and knees
scrubbing and peeling,
I'll be sitting right
here in front of him
eating his favorite foods.
Crêpe suzette...
in flaming Napoleon brandy.
Sipping champagne,
his favorite year.
And he'll be right
in front of me,
his eyes popping,
while he's kneeling
and peeling and drooling.
He said we should mention
to you about tomatoes.
This is murder.
- That Bilko...
- Stanley!
Stanley, he'll ruin us!
Tomatoes?
3,000 soldiers wearing
earmuffs in a jungle.
Tomatoes?
We'll be ruined.
He couldn't know about that.
That was 13 years
ago in New Guinea.
He knows everything!
Even the general admitted
that they looked like peaches.
Tomatoes.
Well, Sowici,
ready to go to work.
- Oh, Ernie, just in time.
- Ernie!
- What?
- Be my guest.
- What are you fellas doing?
- Sit down here.
- What is this?
- Go on here. Sit down.
Say, this is very
nice. What are you...?
- For you.
- Crêpe suzette?
- For me? W...?
- For you.
In-In burning Napoleon
brandy, just as you like it.
- But why? Why for me?
- Why? Why? Tell him why?
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ Low... ♪
♪ Which nobody can deny. ♪
Quiet!
I just can't believe it.
All three of you men begging
me to give Bilko his stripes back.
Six hours on the nose.
I heard that.
Just kidding, sir.
Just making a little remark.
Very clever, Bilko.
So you're writing a book,
and all three of these trembling
hulks are afraid of you now.
I don't know where this
rumor started... writing a book.
Really, sir.
All right, write your book.
Write all the nasty rumors
and mistakes you can think of.
And add one big chapter.
How you bragged that you
were gonna get the colonel
to pin on your stripes,
but you found out that he
was made of sterner stuff.
Sir, I admit that...
All right, get back
to your duties.
Thank you, sir...
Colonel, may I say in
parting, there is no animosity,
and I'll always be
proud of the fact
and think of it
with great affection
that I served under
a commanding officer
who was first in his
graduating class at West Point.
Bilko, if you're writing a book,
you better get
your facts straight.
I was 17th in my class.
Oh, I know, sir, but you
would have been first if...
- Excuse me, sir. I must go.
- If what, Bilko?
Nothing. J-Just a chance
remark I happened to make.
- Your point?
- Nothing at all, sir.
I meant nothing by it.
- Bilko, you wouldn't dare.
- Sir...
You wouldn't dare!
I-I don't know what you're...
Bilko, I was only
23 at the time.
They told me it was
strong lemonade.
I know, sir. You were
just a baby, just a baby.
Bilko, in my condition,
how could I know
it was ladies night
at that Turkish bath?
Believe me, sir,
you can trust me, sir.
I won't say a word.
"Did Colonel Hall
sew on Bilko's stripes?"
Did he, sir?
Did he actually do it, sir?
Wait. Wait. The
answer's right here.
"Now the truth can be told.
"No, he did not
sew on those stripes.
"Bilko's colonel
had too much honor,
too much self-respect
to do a thing like that."
The end.
Shall we publish it?
Not a chance. It's
too unbelievable.
Send this back to the
author with this rejection.
"Colonel J.T. Hall...
Fort Baxter, Kansas.
"Dear Colonel Hall, we've
read your manuscript,
"but feel at the present time
we cannot publish
another military memoir..."
Harry Clark as Sergeant Sowici.
Jimmy Little was seen
as Sergeant Grover.
Ned Glass appeared
as Sergeant Pendleton.
Nicholas Saunders was seen
as Captain Barker.