The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 1, Episode 21 - Bilko's Rest Cure - full transcript

During a heat wave, Bilko schemes to be sent to cooler climes. When his request to visit a sick aunt in upstate Wisconsin is denied - an officer found the "deathly ill" lady water skiing - things are looking bleak until the sergeant learns of a new Army recreational facility in the Rockies for soldiers suffering from mental stress. Now Bilko must convince his officers and the Army medical corps that the entire camp is in need of restorative rest and recreation.

A hundred and two...
Now, where was I?

"Due to the
unprecedented heat wave..."

Due to the unprecedented
heat wave, Fort Baxter

personnel will not be
required to wear a tie...

Colonel Hall.

Oh, Captain Barker.

- Colonel Hall?
- Yes, Captain?

Uh, did you okay this
furlough for Sergeant Bilko?

Yes, this is an
emergency furlough.

It seems that an aunt of
his up in northern Wisconsin

has been afflicted
with a rare disease.



Another relative,
another rare disease.

Isn't it strange, Colonel,
when it's bitter cold here,

there's always an uncle of
his in Florida who breaks down?

Now, during the heat wave,

it's an aunt up
north who is stricken.

During the World Series,
it was an uncle in Brooklyn

who kept calling for
him from his sickbed.

Now, Colonel, isn't there
an obvious conclusion?

Yes, Bilko comes
from a very weak stock.

And another thing, this
amateur talent show...

Obviously a Bilko promotion
to finance his vacation.

What's wrong with a talent show,
and how do you know it's Bilko?

Oh, "tickets, two dollars."

Oh, yes, it's Bilko, all right.



Now, look, men, I can
only point the way to culture.

I can't force you!

- Only two...
- Officer coming!

All right, look
alive. All right.

All right, men,
let's get on the ball.

Let's show Captain Barker
that the heat won't stop us.

Oh, Captain Barker,
this is a surprise, sir.

Get these books over
to the colonel's house.

Well, sir, the men
are working so hard,

I can hardly hear what
the captain is saying.

I said, "Get these books
over to the colonel's house."

Right away, sir.

Thank you, sir.

All right, men, let's get
those engines moving.

- Everybody... at ease.
- He's gone. -He's gone.

At ease.

Now, it's only two
dollars a ticket, men.

That's all it is,
two dollars a ticket!

You... Peasants!

Sarge, why don't you
forg... Forget about it?

Kadowski... a song with
a comb and tissue paper.

Fleischman singing.

They ain't gonna give
us two bucks for that.

You're right.

We got to get a new
name, a headliner,

somebody that'll draw them in.

Hey, Sarge, get a load of this.

- What is it?
- The Howitzer 1922.

Howitzer...what's that?

The yearbook at West Point
the year the colonel graduated.

Look, here's the colonel.

Hey, he had hair.
He looks funny.

All people look funny with hair.

Get a load of this.

"Cadet Hall, John T.

Two years, Debating Team."

Oh, get this.

"Here's to Jack Hall,
who tried our patience

with his endless
barnyard imitations."

Barnyard.

Can you just picture the
colonel doing barnyard imitations

in front of a lot of peop...?

What's the matter, Sarge?

Gentlemen, we have just
found the star of our show.

Calling off your
talent show, huh?

Oh, I had to, Colonel.

There's just not enough
talent on the post, sir.

Talent is a rare thing, Bilko.

Oh, how right the colonel is.

Look at this measly
program we prepared.

"Private Fleischman and
songs that stir the heart.

Corporal Kadowski and his
comb and tissue paper cadenza."

And then I was to come on, sir.

There it is.

"Sergeant Bilko and
his barnyard imitations."

Well, I guess I won't
keep you any longer, sir.

- Thank you.
- No, wait, Bilko.

Sir?

You do barnyard imitations?

Oh, yes, sir.

And if I may say so myself, sir,

- I'm rather good at it.
- Really?

Would the colonel
like a small sample?

Why, I'd love it.

All right, sir.

I call this... This
is my favorite...

Rooster at dawn.

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

- That was...
- That was...

That was a rooster?

Yes, sir.

I call it "Crowing in the Dawn."

You haven't been around farms
very much, have you, Bilko?

Well, not lately.

Why? Have the
sounds changed, sir?

About face!

Sir, there's a
rooster on the post!

Sir!

I know how the colonel
doesn't like livesto...

I'll get a detail
and find him, sir.

Stop looking, Bilko.

That was no rooster, that was I.

Well, I'll fi...

You, sir?

Oh, the colonel is
surely pulling my leg.

Oh, sir, really, the human voice
couldn't capture the sound...

That authentic sound
that I just heard...

Of the king-of-the-henhouse
arrogance, sir.

That was I, all right.

Really, sir, that
is amazing, sir.

Well, I've met my match, sir.

I've done my last
cock-a-doodle-doo.

Oh... now, don't
take it that way, Bilko.

That was a nice
cock-a-doodle-doo you did.

- No, sir, you're just...
- You're just...

You're trying to be kind, sir.

- It's just...
- It just happens that I...

You have it and I
haven't, sir. I see it, sir.

Believe me, I-I admit defeat.

I'll never do that again.

Oh, well, that
rooster was nothing.

Uh, that's just part
of my repertory.

Sir, your...

You do other imitations
of that nature, sir?

- Oh, sure. Oh, yes.
- Oh, please, sir...

We have such little
fun on the post...

I wish you would
do one more or two.

- Would you, sir?
- Oh, no.

Oh, please, sir,
please, I beg you.

As one rooster
man to another, sir.

Well, since you put it that way.

Oh, this is terribly
kind of the colonel.

Nobody there.

Well, now, just this once.

Yes, sir.

- Now, we'll...
- And I appreciate this, sir.

Now, we'll set the scene.
See, this is a barnyard.

And there are a lot of
chickens going around,

clucking on a quiet
Sunday morning,

- Oh.
- Picking up corn here and there.

- Uh-huh.
- And over here, there's a little dog

- behind the chicken coop.
- A little dog?

The colonel does
little dogs, too.

And he runs out and he
attacks the chicken, you see.

Uh-huh.

And then there's a big
dog behind the barn.

- A big dog, too.
- And he rushes out,

and he attacks the little dog.

- Oh.
- And then the rooster...

He stops the fight.

Oh, how interesting.

- Now, here it is.
- Yes, sir.

Oh, there's the little dog!

Oh, here comes the big dog.

Oh, what's the matter, Bilko?

I'll be all right, sir.

Bilko, you're crying.

Yes, I'm crying and
not ashamed of it, sir.

I'm crying when I think
of all the men on this post

who are entertainment starved...
Entertainment starved because

that silly rule says
professionals cannot compete

in amateur contests, sir.

Oh, professional... I'm
not a professional, Bilko.

You're not, sir?

Well, you must
have had the desire

sometime in the
early part of your life

to bring this entertainment
to audiences, sir.

No.

Oh, well, well, to
tell you the truth,

I-I did think one time
about getting in touch with

that Salute to the Army
show that Ed Sullivan puts on.

Ed Sullivan, sir? I have
to be privileged to say

that I know him quite well.

Oh, wait till he hears that
the winner of my amateur show

will be on Salute
to the Army, sir!

Oh, no, an amateur show, oh, no.

Oh, sir, you have to, sir.

You... Oh, look, I'll put you
right after Kadowski's solo.

- Oh, sir...
- Oh, no. I chose a military career.

No, it'll be a triumph,
sir, a triumph.

Bilko!

Sir.

Well, you might mention
to Ed Sullivan that I do, uh,

starting a Tin
Lizzie on a cold day.

Starting the Tin Li...

No, no, no, no,
no, sir. Save it.

Don't give it all to him.

Save that for one
of the Spectaculars.

Oh, this'll be wonderful, sir.

A Spectacular.

Men, I've got news for you...

Is everybody here?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I got news for you...
You got the tickets?

I got news for you
about the talent show.

So have I.

Your show has been canceled.

Canceled, sir?

Well, it was a
legitimate enterprise.

It's canceled for
disciplinary reasons.

Discipli...

I told you not to hang the
wash on the regimental cannon!

And, you, baking
pizzas in the helmets!

Sir, I'll question
these men, believe...

It's not your men,
Bilko, it's you.

Me, sir?

Yes, I just checked on

that emergency furlough of
yours to northern Wisconsin.

We had a great deal of
trouble locating your aunt.

Oh, well, you see,
sir, she is bedridden,

and it's difficult to get
her to the phone, sir.

No, she was out waterskiing.

Waterski... waters...

Well, you see, it's
that new therapy.

They get them right out of bed
and get the circulation going.

That's enough, Bilko.

Enough. I can't get over it.

Bilko, a master sergeant, lying.

Oh, sir, I'm really ashamed.

I don't know what got into me.

It must be this heat, sir.

My... I have trouble perspiring.

I have small pores, you see...

Enough, I tell you!

Now, get those records
and trucks rolling!

I'll do that immediately.
Thank you, sir.

You heard the colonel!

Get those records rolling!

Get everything...
All right, at ease!

Is he gone?

And here's another chapeau

that my lady will be
wearing this winter.

Sarge, you get
a load of that lid?

Doberman, please,
not in my ear, please!

Come on, Sarge, take it easy.

You'll get used to the heat.

Hey, look.

While the country swelters,

these happy GIs enjoy
a well-earned vacation

at the Army's new rest camp,

high in the cool, cool Rocky
Mountains of Colorado.

Inaugurated by the
Psychological Division

of the Army's Special
Services, Camp Paradise is

a revitalizing
center for soldiers

who show dangerous fatigue signs

and evidences of cracking up.

My, doesn't that
look refreshing?

Yeah.

Doesn't that snow look cool?

Yeah.

At the Pentagon in
Washington, Major C.W. Friend

explains this new project.

Our purpose is to check
Army reports sent in by the men

for signs of fatigue and
psychiatric disturbances.

And then it's on
to Camp Paradise.

Those lucky bums.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Uh, let's go.

Wait a minute, what's the rush?

We didn't even see the cartoon!

"We didn't even
see the cartoon!"

Got to get back to camp and
send those reports in to Washington.

- Reports?
- Yes, sir.

And when you list the
personnel of our barracks,

be sure to include the
name Private Marilyn Monroe.

Marilyn Monroe in our platoon?

Sarge, they'll think we're nuts.

Oh, they won't think we're nuts.

They'll just think we
show signs of fatigue

and psychiatric disturbances.

Huh? -Yeah.

Camp Paradise, here we come!

Here it is, sir.

"Private Marilyn Monroe."

Another case of
hallucination psychosis.

Yes, sir.

It's that same motor
pool platoon from Kansas.

The ones who included in
their transportation inventory

six oxen and a yak.

Mm.

It's that heat wave.

Anything else?

Yes, this, sir.

It's-it's a special service form

where the men list the type of
entertainment they want to see.

What's their request?

Well, sir, I... Well,
come on, come on.

What is it?

They want to see
a human sacrifice.

A human sacrifice?!

Get me the air base!

Wire ahead!

I only hope I can get
there before it's too late.

I tell you, the human
sacrifice will do it every time.

"Major Friend, on
inspection tour of Fort Baxter,

requests to see Sergeant
Bilko's platoon immediately."

Ha. Get down to the airport.

The minute he arrives,
bring him right over.

Now, look.

Doberman, you got the
fur coat and the whip ready?

But Sarge, I'll roast to death.

Think of the snow,
that cool snow.

But Sarge, if he inspects
the other outfits on the post,

he's gonna suspect something.

They're normal.

They were normal.

I'm making my move.

Now, look, you guys, rest, rest,
so you'll show signs of fatigue.

Ernie, what's the inside on this
major coming from Washington?

- Who is he after?
- Who is he after?

You're in quartermasters
and you don't know?

Us?

You just won't read
those alert sheets, huh?

You won't read
the bulletins, huh?

Bulletins? Riley, get me...!

Ah, it's too late.

It's about defective
Army shirts.

Defective Army shirts?

He'll have some with
him to see if you know...

He wants to see if you
know the tensile strength test.

But Ernie, you know we
got no testing lab on this post.

You won't read
the bulletins, huh?

He'll want to know if you know

the emergency
tensile strength test.

The emergency
tensile strength...?

- Uh-huh.
- What's that?

What's that?

Look, I got my own problems.

Figure it out.

Figure it out.

♪ Beautiful dreamer... ♪

But Ernie, this major is
from Special Services.

This is the Signal Corps.

Sure, that's the way they catch
you using obsolete procedures.

Stand by, please.

Obsolete procedures?

You won't read
the bulletins, huh?

Bulletin 647, you know,
the new security code.

Ernie, who reads bulletins?

Who? I read them.

- I read them.
- Come in, "C" Company.

Now for instance, I know that

the Signal Corps has found
out from upstairs, the top brass,

that special messages cannot
be decoded by the enemy

if they're done in song.

In song?

Now look, this is the last time
I'm gonna bail you out, Grover.

These guys all right?

Sure.

The special security song this
week, "The Old Oaken Bucket."

Shh! Shh!

"The Old Oaken Bucket."

"The Old Oaken
Bucket"? What's that?

Why don't you
read the bulletins?

Oh, you lucky dog,

gonna get your picture in
all those Army manuals?

My picture?

Sure, that's what the
major's here for inspection...

He wants to find pictures
for the right and wrong way

for the cooking manuals.

My picture?

What are you making?

Split pea soup.

Ah. Suppose you're
making it the right way?

Oh, sure, according
to the Army manual.

You know, cook some bacon...

What's the matter?

They got millions of pictures
showing the right way.

What they're looking for is
pictures showing the wrong way.

It's a shame. You'd have
looked so good in those lights.

Oh, well, what are you gonna do?

♪ Beautiful dreamer. ♪

What's the wrong
way to make soup?

Now remember, you guys,

just indications of
what I told you to do.

Be subtle, you know?

Hey, Sarge, Sarge, he's here!

Oh, well, Private Doberman,
that's a wonderful piston rod,

and you worked
it out brilliantly.

Sergeant Bilko?

Sergeant? Did
you call me "Ser..."?

Major, this is a
tremendous surprise!

How do you do, sir?

How do you do, Sergeant?

Sergeant, I'm here because
of some irregularities

I found in your records.

Irregularities in my records?

Well, sir, I'm sure
they all check.

They're right here, sir.

Private, will you take this bag?

Oh, thank you, sir.

Thank you?

Private! Come back
here, Fleischman!

You return that bag to
the major immediately!

But Sarge... You return it!

Sir, it was very nice of
you. It was a nice gesture,

but the men are not
allowed to accept gifts.

Thank you very much,
sir... But Sergeant...

No, sir, please don't apologize.

It's not your fault, sir.

It's his eyes, they're
continually begging.

We call him
"Sheepy" around here.

Ashamed of you,
Fleischman, ashamed!

If you wanted a bag,
why didn't you say so?

We would have knitted you one.

Now, stop that!

But Sergeant, I merely
wanted him to carry it for me.

Oh-oh-oh... Just to carry it?

And I thought you were giving...

Oh, how silly... All
right, Fleischman, go, go.

Last touch!

Goody!

He's overdoing it like a...

What about the records, sir?

Oh, now, Sergeant, we received
this personnel report from you

which included a Private
Marilyn Monroe in your platoon.

Private Marilyn...?

Oh, that must be a mistake,
sir, due to the heat, you know.

These little things.

Oh, I see. One of
those little mistakes.

Well, of course. Private
Marilyn... How ridiculous.

She's a corporal.

A corporal?

Oh, yes.

Oh, of course, of course.

Sergeant Bilko,
uh, have you noticed

any other unusual
effects due to the heat?

Well, none.

I mean, on the whole, my
men are normal men, you see.

Of course...

Excuse me, Sarge. I've
gotta make a phone call.

All righty. The men are
normal in every aspect of things.

They're just very happy... Yes?

Hello. Is that you, Ed?

Private Paparelli, is
this a personal call?

Well, no, Sarge.

Well, you get back
to work on the double!

Sergeant, you call that normal?

Oh, yeah. Private
Paparelli, on the double here!

You hang that phone
back on the hook quickly!

There's a good one.

Yes, sir, as I was saying,

the men, on the
whole, are very normal.

They are very proud of
their work. Normal in...

- That's right.
- Oh, sir, excuse me.

You have that wrong, sir.

"Hallucinations"
are with two L's, sir.

- "H-A-L-L," sir...
- Mush! Mush!

Mush, you dirty dogs,
mush! Mush! Mush!

Sergeant, who was that?

That's Private Doberman.

He's on his way to the PX.

With a sled and dogs?

Sir, you saw a sled and dogs?

No, no, I didn't... Sir,
please forgive me,

but perhaps this heat
is new to the major.

Perhaps a cold towel, sir?

No, no, no, no, I'm fine.

Oh. Well, you were asking
about if the men are normal.

I say, you were asking,
you were asking if the men...!

You were asking if...!

Oh, who can talk
above this racket?

Racket?

Ah, there, they've stopped.

What stopped?

The tom-toms.

Oh, the tom-toms.

Yes, sir. And sir, you were
asking if the men are normal.

Not only are they normal,
they're quite industrious.

Would you like to see how
some of the equipment is handled?

Right this way, sir. I'll...

Zimmerman, that
tire is flat! Blow it up!

Yes, sir.

There's a good boy.

Good boy.

Yes, sir, I'm very
proud of the men here.

- And that goes...
- Mush!

Mush! Mush!

He's right on time.

Gung ho, Doberman!

Sergeant, you don't
honestly believe that...?

Shh, shh, shh, just a minute.

Ah!

They've stopped?

What stopped, sir?

The tom-toms!

You hear tom-toms, sir?

- Well...
- Perhaps the heat is too much, sir,

and you're a little
exhausted. Could that be?

No, no, no, no, no, I'm
not exhausted, Sergeant.

It's you and your men
who are exhausted.

And I'm going to do
something about it.

He's gonna do something.

Captain Barker, may I
present Major Friend, sir?

- Oh, how do you do, Major?
- How are you, Captain.

I was supposed to be notified
the moment you arrived.

Captain, I've seen enough
of this platoon to know that...

Major, I don't know what
you've seen or heard,

but please don't take this
platoon as an indication

of what the rest
of the post is like.

Well, of course not, sir.

I was just about
to show the major

around the rest of the post.

You'll love our
quartermaster depot.

Will you come this way, sir?
They're a grand bunch of boys.

Yes, Major, this is
Sergeant Pendleton.

We're proud of Andy around
here. Oh, he does a bang-up job.

He's got both feet
solid on the ground.

I'm certainly glad to hear that.

Oh, yes, he's always up on
the new Army directives, sir.

That's my shirt.

Yes, sir, Army
specification number E642.

Isn't that magnificent?
Right on the nose.

- He knew it, didn't he, sir?
- Emergency test.

Hey, hey, hey!

Uh-huh! Defective.

Defective? But that is my...

Shh-shh-shh! Don't
arouse him, sir.

Good work. Good work.
Don't arouse him, sir, please.

Pay... Pay attention like
nothing happened, sir.

They'll be all right.

But Sergeant, does
this always happen?

Oh, good heavens, no!

Only when there's a full moon.

- Full...
- Would you like to see the Signal Corps?

Where's Bilko?!

Wh-Where is Bil...?

What's that?

The major's shirt.

The major's shirt?!

Yes, sir, this is Sergeant
Grover's Signal Corps.

Oh, he keeps up with
all the latest bulletins, sir.

Excuse me, sir, I have a call.

Well, don't let us
disturb your work.

I think we've seen enough here.

♪ This is Fort Baxter ♪

♪ Hello, "C" for "Charlie" ♪

♪ Your orders are missing ♪

♪ I'll get Captain Schwartz ♪

♪ Administration, we
want Captain Schwartz ♪

♪ Stand by, "C" for "Charlie,"
we'll find him for you ♪

♪ Attention, all units,
attention, all stations ♪

♪ Please check
"C" for "Charlie" ♪

♪ If you see
Captain Schwartz... ♪

♪ Good ol' Captain Schwartz. ♪

Sir, would you like
another chorus?

No, I've heard
enough, thank you.

Let's go to the mess hall.

You'll find that
very interesting, sir.

You were flat.

I don't believe it.

Oh, yes, we're very
proud of Sergeant Sowici.

Always thinking up
new things for us.

Oh, he's grand about that.

Oh, Sergeant Sowici,

you're doing your
wonderful job, as usual.

What do you got
for the boys today?

Split pea soup.

Split pea soup.
Isn't that interesting?

I must get you men
out of this heat at once.

I must call Colorado.

Colorado? Why, sir?
We're very happy here.

- Oh, those tom-toms are starting.
- Bilko!

Oh, let me show you...

- Stop right there!
- Yes, sir!

Major, I don't know
what Bilko is up to

or what you've seen, but I
want to assure you that the...

I've seen and heard enough

to know that this entire
post needs rehabilitation.

Major, believe me,
this is all Bilko's work.

He-He's up to
something Ask anybody.

Ask Sowici, ask the...

No!

Oh, yes, split pea, sir.

I've got to get these men

to Camp Paradise
as soon as possible.

Camp Paradise.
Oh-ho, now I get it.

Well, well, Bilko,
so that was it, huh?

Sir... All right,
never mind. Quiet!

Major, this is all a hoax to
get Bilko up to that camp.

That's impossible. After
what I've seen and heard

- on this post...
- You've seen and heard the wrong person.

Major, I want you
to meet Colonel Hall.

I want you to see what a
levelheaded, clear-thinking,

down-to-earth man is
at the head of this camp.

- I'll be glad to show...
- Bilko, you stay here.

I think the major
will be very interested

in what the colonel has to say.

Hey, Bilko, what's
this all about?

Shh! Where's the phone? Oh.

Hello, Joanie. Joanie?

Hey, Bilko... Shh! What?

What is this Camp
Paradise we're going to?

I don't know, but I got an idea
the colonel is coming with us.

Hello. Let me talk to
the colonel right away.

On the double!

Colonel Hall, sir,
this is Sergeant Bilko.

Congratulations, sir!

Yes, you remember
we were speaking

about the Salute to the...

Yes, The Ed Sullivan
Show, yes, sir!

There's a major from Special
Service came from Washington

especially to audition you, sir.

Yes, he'll be there
in a moment, sir.

Any moment. And good luck, sir!

Thank you, Bilko.

I'll do my best.

Yes? Major Friend?

Send him right in.

Colonel Hall, did you
know that Major Friend came

all the way from
Washington because of Bilko?

Well, I want you to give
it to him firsthand, sir.

Go right ahead, Colonel.

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Captain Barker!

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Captain Barker!

Is he auditioning for The
Ed Sullivan Show, too?

The Ed Sullivan Show?

I came down here to
check on the signs of fatigue

in Sergeant Bilko's platoon.

Fatigue? Bilko?

Yes, and from
the looks of things,

I'm going to have to send the
entire post to Camp Paradise.

Camp Paradise?

I've got it.

Major, you've been taken in.

We've all been taken in.

Fatigue!

Bilko's got the sharpest,
most diabolical brain.

Ah, gentlemen, Major,
the men are all packed

and ready to go, sir.

Ah, Bilko, all ready to go
to Camp Paradise, huh?

Oh, yes, sir. We
have the reservations.

You have a special seat on
the bus right by the window

so you can see the
ducks, the little chickens

- and the little dog...
- Quiet!

Bilko, nobody's going
to Camp Paradise!

Nobody, sir?

Nobody!

I beg to differ with you, sir.

Oh, please explain it,
will you, please, Major?

Someone is going.

Some, someone, someone is going?

- Well...
- Yes, Captain Barker.

It's an emergency case.

I've got to get him to
Camp Paradise at once...

Shame on you, Bilko!

You took advantage of the
heat when my guard was down.

Bilko, you're
going to pay for...

Oh, Captain Barker.

Oh, yes, your emergency
leave paper, I...

I'll sign it for you right now.

Captain, if you can hear me,

I want to say
I'm terribly sorry.

I didn't know this would
have this effect, sir.

I really didn't.

It's not your fault, Bilko.

I felt this fatigue
coming on for some time.

Since when, sir?

Since last night, Bilko.

I saw those
newsreel pictures, too.

Here you are, Captain.

Oh, thank you, sir.

- Speedy recovery.
- Captain?

Here you are. You'll need these.

Happy landing, sir.

Nicholas Saunders

appeared as Captain Barker,

David White as Major Friend.