The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Empty Store - full transcript
Sgt Bilko is still reeling from his losses at poker. He hears a member from his training squad was similarly fleeced by the base card sharks. Bilko cooks a scheme to win back all their ...
Dear Emma... But it
only costs 17 bucks.
And I only wore it once.
What am I gonna
do with a tuxedo?
Hey, has anybody seen...?
Has anybody seen Sergeant Bilko?
I got a buck I want to
put in his basketball pool.
Hey, look who's
looking for Bilko.
Save your money, Riley.
What if you win?
He can't pay off, he's broke.
- Bilko broke?
- That's right.
Didn't you hear? Bilko's
three poker pigeons,
Sowici, Pendleton and Grover
finally did it... took
him for his bankroll.
250 bucks.
Well, wait till he gets 'em
in a game the next time.
There ain't gonna
be a next time.
They're freezing him out.
They suddenly got a new rule...
You've got to show a bankroll.
- A buck I make this shot.
- Bet you don't.
- He does.
- He doesn't.
He does.
Hey, if they don't
let Bilko play,
how's he gonna get his bankroll?
Pete, I wish you'd tell us.
Maybe we can get a little
bit of sleep around here.
This is the first money anyone's
had the nerve to flash all week.
Hello, fellows.
Boys, maybe it's my imagination,
but I get the feeling you guys
have been avoiding me lately.
Somehow or other,
that old give-and-take
spirit is gone.
Now, men, I can understand
your not getting
into my football pool
or to my bed-making contest,
but when not one ticket is sold
to tomorrow night's dance, I...
They're the cheapest bunch of...
Silence, Corporal Barbella.
Thrift and frugality
is a virtue I like to see
in my fellow soldiers.
But men, tomorrow
night's dance is above that.
It's something
close to our hearts.
You've all seen the calendar.
We're honoring the birthday
of the 21st president
of the United States...
Chester A. Arthur.
Now, men, make me proud of you.
Corporals, give these
patriotic Americans
a chance to buy tickets.
Because I know that
when the chips are down,
these... Stop the sale.
Men, I find it hard to believe
that three dollars a ticket
is going to stand in
your way of paying tribute
to a man who gave us...
the Tariff Law of 1883.
A man who's responsible...
for the Canal Treaty
with Nicaragua.
Yo, fellas, the big
poker game's over!
How'd you do, Sowici?
What does this look
like, recruiting posters?
- Man!
- They all won.
Pendleton and Grover, too.
Well, who lost?
From out of nowhere,
some strange yardbird
walked in on us.
He had a bankroll.
Insisted on playing.
What a sucker.
It was like shooting
a sitting duck.
And speaking of ducks...
Here is a dead one.
Oh, Mess Sergeant Sowici...
The Army's answer
to Betty Crocker.
You know, we missed you, Bilko.
It was strange sitting
down to a poker game
and watching the cards being
dealt from the top for a change.
You know the rules...
You have to show a
bankroll to get into the game.
We gotta keep out the riffraff.
Riffraff.
That's a hot one.
Say, that was good the
way he came out with that.
"Riffraff"... funny, funny.
You poor slobs.
Anytime I want, you
know what I can do?
You're shooting blanks, Bilko.
We got your dough, and you
ain't gonna con us out of it;
you ain't gonna
talk us out of it;
in other words,
all together, boys:
♪ You ain't ♪
- ♪ Getting it ♪
- ♪ Back. ♪
Oh, this is gay.
Jolly GIs at play.
Fun on the post.
You poor souls.
So, you decided to
freeze me out, huh?
Good boys.
And you men are gonna gang
up to see that I stay frozen?
Good boys.
Swell, that's the way it'll be.
From now on it's jungle warfare.
And remember one thing...
Like the man says at
Madison Square Garden,
"Protect yourself at all times."
Two for flinching.
Yeah, it's a pity, ain't it?
The bigger they are,
the harder they fall.
And this is the big brain,
the smartest guy on the post.
The handwriting was on
the wall when the old man
took his motor pool
platoon away from him.
And now he's got a
basic training squad.
Basic training.
You know, boys,
Bilko practically ain't
in the Army anymore.
Two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.
Hut, two... Platoon, halt.
Stop! Stop!
Men... Men.
I must admit I was very happy
what I saw out there today.
Happy.
Happy that you were
too young for the last war,
or we'd be still fighting it.
And, Higgins, get
these men on the ball.
Stop moping around.
Atten...!
All right, go to mess for chow.
These kids will drive
me out of my mind.
Chow, chow.
Lunch, lunch.
Hut, two, three, two! Hut!
14 years in the Army, I wind
up with Ding Dong School.
What's the matter with Higgins?
I don't know what's
the matter with him.
He's got the blues or something.
Maybe it's the
responsibility he's got.
- Responsibility?
- Sure.
What do you mean responsibility?
Higgins is holding the money
for all the kids in the squad.
Over 200 bucks.
Go on.
Well, I know you don't like
to take money from rookies,
but maybe you could just
sort of hold it for a while,
and then pretend
it's our bankroll,
so's you can get back
into the game, and...
- No, huh?
- No.
- Just asked.
- Just answered.
Higgins is holding
that money for the kids
when they go on
their first furlough,
and nobody's gonna touch it.
Why don't you get
these records straight,
so I can understand...? Come in.
You got this thing
all loused up. I ca...
Excuse me, Sergeant Bilko,
could I speak to you a minute?
Alone?
Might as well in front of them.
They're gonna find
out later, anyway.
What is it?
Well, sir, you know that money
I was holding for the squad?
Was holding?
Over $200.
Go on, go on, go...
go ahead... what?
Well, last night,
I-I was passing by
Sergeant Sowici's kitchen...
Oh, no!
Go ahead, go ahead,
go ahead, go ahead.
Well, I-I heard there was
a poker game going
on in there, and...
You didn't.
Say it: You didn't. You didn't.
He did.
This is the sucker
Sowici was crowing about.
Why, those miserable meatballs.
They took these kids
for their entire bankroll.
Oh, no, no, no,
sir. It was my fault.
You see, I was considered
quite a poker player in college.
In college?!
I-I really forced my
way into that game.
You forced your way into a
game with regular Army sergeants?
Kid, you tell that
to the psychiatrist
and you can get out of the Army.
All right, all right, all right.
Oh, my gosh, I lost
all the squad's money.
How do you like the...? All
right, don't you worry about it.
I'll have you that
money back in a week.
You're gonna have
the money back?!
Yeah. Now go to mess, go on.
But how-how can you
get the money back...?
Get to lunch.
About face!
Hut, hut!
How do you like those
miserable meatballs?
Taking advantage of a rookie.
Oh, no, no, no.
This time they've gone too far.
This time I'm really
gonna give it to 'em.
Give it to 'em?
They already got it.
$250 of our dough,
$220 from Higgins.
470 clams.
That's civilian type money.
How are you gonna get it back?
How?
Psychology.
Psychology?!
Yes, sir, psychology.
The whole post is waiting
for me to make my move
and get that $470 back, right?
So are we.
Well, can I be bothered
with chicken feed like that?
No. I'm too busy with the store.
- Store...?
- The store?
Did you say "store"?
- Yes, sir. Our store.
- We got a store?
This ad's been running in
the local paper for over a year.
It's an empty store for rent.
I've been saving it for an
emergency just like this.
Here, you, go to town
and rent me that store.
- Rent the store?
- Yes, sir.
There it is right there.
"Store for rent. Month's rent
free for enterprising person.
George Crow Real
Estate," etcetera.
- Go, go, rent the...
- Sure, sure, sure, sure.
Just a minute... Ernie, I
was on the rifle range all day.
My ears.
With an empty store, we're
gonna get the money back
from Sowici and
Pendleton and Grover?
Get it back?
They're gonna come
in here personally
and beg me to take it back.
- Beg you to take it?
- Yes.
And Sowici... sweet
Sergeant Sowici...
He's gonna come in here
on his hands and knees,
with the money in his mouth,
and he's gonna
lay it at my feet.
Go, go, go.
On his hands and knees?
Glad to have you on
the post, Anderson.
Thank you, sir.
Ah, Mr. Crow, it isn't
often we're visited
by the mayor of Roseville.
Colonel Hall, I am not
here to discuss the situation
between your camp of soldiers
and the town of Roseville.
One of your sergeants
wishes to make a rental
in a building I own.
According to Army regulations,
you must countersign the leases.
There are two of them.
Isn't it strange, Mr. Crow,
for a town that has
continually slammed the door
in the faces of my
men... American soldiers...
That you're going to allow
a soldier to live there now?
No soldier is living there.
It's a store.
And for business purposes only.
A store?
Bilko... renting an empty store?
I'm afraid I'll have to...
Uh, but sir, regulations
state that outside activities
are permissible if it does
not interfere with his work.
That's right, Colonel.
Thank you.
That copy is yours.
Good day, Colonel.
Uh, I'll file this, sir.
What is Bilko up to now?
- File this.
- Yes, sir.
Wow, here he goes again.
What is it?
Bilko's rented an empty store.
An empty store?!
Wait'll the boys
hear about this.
Wait'll the girls
hear about this.
Sorry, Lieutenant,
this is an emergency.
What's Bilko gonna do
with that store, Pendleton?
What's the deal?
How should I know?
Sure, you'll never know.
You guys just took his money
and froze him out, that's all.
Now who's frozen out?
Out of what?
It's just an empty store.
What are you talking about?
It's just an empty store.
Oh, sure, it's just
an empty store.
That's how Woolworth
started... With an empty store.
Stay away from him, you told us.
Freeze him out, you told us.
Now he's in on something big.
Who's frozen out now?
More salt.
Ernie, please, just once more!
So we're in business.
We got a store.
An empty store.
So what do we do now?
Nothing.
We just wait here till
they bring us the money.
They're a little sooner
than I expected.
Come in.
- Hi, Ernie!
- Hi, Ernie!
Hi, Ernie.
Hiya, Pendleton, boys.
What's on your mind?
Nothing. It's just
a friendly call.
I got a few new sharp
jackets in from Quartermasters.
Fender!
Naturally, I want you to
be the first to have one.
Just for size.
Say, this is awful
nice of you, Steve.
Listen, if pals
don't stick together,
what's the whole thing worth?
So true, so true.
Oh, Ernie, what's this I hear
about you renting
a store in town?
Store? Oh, yes, a store.
That's right.
Look, uh, shoulders
with a sweep to 'em,
you know what I mean?
Fender, the shoulders!
Uh, Ernie, what
kind of a store is it?
An empty store.
I know, but something
must have appealed to ya.
Not in particular.
As a matter of fact, I
haven't even seen it yet.
You haven't seen it?
No. What for? I
know what's in there.
What?
Nothing.
It's an empty store.
It stays empty.
Fender, listen, can you
give me that Air Corps drape?
You know what I mean?
Fender, drape.
Ernie, uh, can you
take in a few partners?
Partners? In what?
I told you it's an empty store.
I never heard
anything as ridiculous.
Ernie, the boys in my platoon
and I got this 140 bucks
together. We want in.
You gotta let us in on it.
Did you ever
hear...? In on what?!
It's an empty store!
Fender, look, can you
give me some pleats?
Pleats?
Give him pleats!
Ernie, when the
smartest operator
in the whole United States Army
suddenly decides
to rent a store,
we don't ask no questions.
We just want to be cut in.
Well, what can I do?
You hear them.
They're begging.
All right, Rocco,
you're the treasury.
Here, here's your lease.
You got a third
of an empty store.
Ernie... You, you,
you just stand there!
Give me something with
the sleeves; some character!
Ernie, I'll never forget this.
I'm sure you won't.
"354 Oak Street."
Come on, boys.
Get some trucks.
We'll go down and
see our property.
Fender, until it fits.
We're in business!
Give me something...
Padded should...
Hello, Ernie.
Well, this is a day
for visiting, isn't it?
Just figured you
might be hungry,
so the boys fixed up
some cold fruit for ya.
Oh, that's nice.
What is it, Sowici?
Oh, nothing much.
Uh, we understand you
rented an empty store...
- Out!
- And...
Yeah, but the
fellas asked me to...
- Out!
- They gave me the money to give...
You don't want to do
business with the riffraff, do ya?
- Out!
- Oh, I was only kidding, but the money...
- Out with the dead duck routine! Out! Out!
- The fellas...
Well?
Sergeant Bilko, I love you.
Flatterer.
Fender, the pleats, Fender!
What?! Are you sure?
Hundreds of soldiers
are milling around
in front of that empty store?
What? What? Yes!
Sure, I rented it to a soldier.
But the lease states
that only the owner is
allowed on the premises.
Huh? What?
They say they're all partners?!
Huh. I'll go right down
and deal with them,
don't you worry.
Miss Facie, call
the military police.
The military?
- Yes.
- Yes, sir.
Oh, uh, Mr. Harper to see you.
- What?
- Well, hi, Mr. Crow.
I'm sorry, Harper...
Well, look, I just
wanted to talk to you
about renting one of
those two empty stores
in that building on Oak
Street that you have.
Yeah. Now look,
Harper, I... What? Rent?
Yeah, there's a lot of
soldiers down there.
It's pretty lively.
I want to get an ice cream
parlor in one of those stores
before somebody
else thinks of it.
Why, sure, sure.
Miss Facie...
make out a lease for
Mr. Harper, will ya, please?
Never figured that
section would come to life.
Whew! Neither did I.
Fender, Fender,
look, this is all right,
but you're not capturing me!
Give me a sweep. Something...
There she is, Ernie!
Oh, Jim, you shouldn't have.
Ah, forget it, Ernie.
Friendship is above regulations.
My own telephone.
Hello, get me Honolulu.
Aw, Jim, how can
I ever repay you?
You know how.
120 bucks for a
share in the store.
I'm begging you.
What can I do? He's begging me.
Treasurer, take their money.
Here, it's 120 bucks.
Here's your lease.
You got a third interest
in the empty store.
- Ah...
- Give me a little...
Ernie, Ernie, I...
Oh, thanks, Ernie.
Fender, do you think you
got me at all in this outfit?
Come and get it!
A turkey dinner with
all the trimmings, Ernie.
- Out. Out.
- The fellas gave me the money.
Out. Out.
We wanna invest... Take
the money, Ernie, please?
- Out. Out. Out!
- We won it, but the fellas, believe me...
- They, they...
- Out!
He knows the conditions.
On his hands and knees. Out.
Fender, are you sure I can't
get this in a charcoal gray?
But sir, look at
the bright side.
The boys have spent so much
time in front of Bilko's store
there hasn't been any
gambling on the post for days.
Relax, sir.
Relax?
No gambling on
the post for days?
What is he up to?
Where are they gambling?
Extra! G.I. gambling den raided!
Empty store used as casino!
Here's the man who rented it:
Private Bilko, former sergeant.
Here's the man who okayed it:
Sergeant Hall... former colonel.
Colonel Hall?
I'll go quietly!
Oh! Oh, it was a dream.
What do you want, Anderson?
I found a copy
of that lease, sir.
It's your signature, all right.
I know that!
It's the only thing I do know!
But I'm going to find out
what's going on in this post!
No, no-no, no.
You're not capturing me at all.
See what you're doing?
You're covering the pleats.
Here's what I want:
Give me a sweep, you know?
Dashing, gay, but virile!
Know what I mean?
Never mind that shoulder.
This is the shoulder
we're having trouble with.
You don't capture
this one at all.
This is the one I parade
with, you understand?
Don't freeze on me now, Fender.
Come on. Don't goof off.
Fender, you're
fighting me. Look...
I got more trouble
with... Attention!
Sergeant Bilko
and his merry crew.
Corporal...?
Barbella, sir.
Henshaw, sir.
And which one are you,
Hart, Schaffner, or Marx?
Sir, I'd like to
explain... I can explain.
I can now explain why the
Quartermaster Corps is always
too busy to even sew
on a button for me.
Custom-tailored uniforms.
Pleats!
I've always dreamed
of a jacket like that.
But Sergeant Bilko
snaps his fingers and...
Oh, no!
I don't hear a telephone ring.
A telephone in a barracks?
Where is it?
Mm... wh-where,
where is what, sir?
The telephone!
A private telephone.
I have to share
mine with 14 officers.
Sergeant Bilko is indisposed.
"Who is this?"
This is his stooge...
the commanding officer!
Turkey dinners,
uniforms custom-tailored,
a private telephone.
What next?
♪ Happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday, dear Ernie ♪
♪ Ha...! ♪
And on my birthday,
he gave me a jelly donut.
Get back to your kitchen!
Yes, sir.
Sergeant Bilko, may
I use your phone?
Oh, please do so.
Make yourself at home.
Anything you want here...
Get me Lieutenant Anderson.
Bilko, I don't know what's
going on, but I do know that
that store is at the
bottom of all this.
Hello, Anderson. Colonel Hall.
I... Never mind
where I'm calling from.
Lieutenant, I want
to have that store
at 354 Oak Street declared
off-limits immediately.
Put up signs all over
the town and the post.
No soldier is allowed
within a hundred feet of it.
Now...
that's all we'll hear
about that store.
Pleats.
Well, that does it.
You all heard the Colonel.
There's only one
thing left to do.
Take out the pleats.
Oh, well, so now
you like soldiers.
Yeah, when there's a
chance of making a profit, I...
Well, sure, we're
making a profit.
But do you know
where the profit's going?
Into a service
center for the boys.
A service center!
Yes.
Every civic
organization is behind it.
Colonel, for the
first time in years,
our town is coming to life.
Amazing!
Who would want to make
a profit from the boys?
Yes.
Who?
Okay, you're in.
Hey, good to have you onboard!
Oh, boy!
Well, men, now that we
got all the partners here,
I think we should have a
board of directors meeting.
Yeah.
Now, fellas, there's been
something on my mind
for quite a while.
I'd like to ask you about it.
Now, you boys own
an empty store, right?
Yeah.
Well, what are you
gonna do with it?
What are we gonna do...?
Well, we thought that you had...
You own a third, you own a third
and you own a third.
Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh-What about you?
Don't you own a piece of it?
Me?! I'm in the Army.
What would I want
with an empty store?
♪ And it's hi! hi! hee!
In the field artillery... ♪
Higgins!
Yes, sir.
Sergeant Sowici's contribution.
Aw, gee, Sergeant
Bilko, but what about you?
Don't worry. We got plenty left.
Oh, no, Sergeant, I can't
take your money. My...
Now get in there and
show some pep in this outfit.
Let me see some spirit.
Hup!
Right face!
♪ Over hill, over dale, and
we hit that dusty trail... ♪
And how about the money now?
♪ As the caissons
go rolling... ♪
The money, the money.
It's working for us.
Yeah, but I got... What...?
Well, I couldn't hang
around with a guy
as smart as you all these years
without having some
of it rub off on me.
The money, Barbella.
We made over $400
on one empty store.
Imagine what we're
gonna make with six of 'em.
Six of 'em?!
That's what the money is doing:
down payments on the only
six empty stores left in Roseville.
Here are the leases.
Don't tell me. You're kidding.
You didn't fall
for the routine I...?
I created my own monst...
You thought...?! You...?!
But Sarge, it seemed
like such a great...
Who gave you
such a stupid idea?!
- You.
- You did.
Sergeant Sowici was
played by Harry Clark,
Sergeant Pendleton by Ned Glass,
Sergeant Grover by Jimmy Little,
and Fender was
portrayed by Herbie Faye.
only costs 17 bucks.
And I only wore it once.
What am I gonna
do with a tuxedo?
Hey, has anybody seen...?
Has anybody seen Sergeant Bilko?
I got a buck I want to
put in his basketball pool.
Hey, look who's
looking for Bilko.
Save your money, Riley.
What if you win?
He can't pay off, he's broke.
- Bilko broke?
- That's right.
Didn't you hear? Bilko's
three poker pigeons,
Sowici, Pendleton and Grover
finally did it... took
him for his bankroll.
250 bucks.
Well, wait till he gets 'em
in a game the next time.
There ain't gonna
be a next time.
They're freezing him out.
They suddenly got a new rule...
You've got to show a bankroll.
- A buck I make this shot.
- Bet you don't.
- He does.
- He doesn't.
He does.
Hey, if they don't
let Bilko play,
how's he gonna get his bankroll?
Pete, I wish you'd tell us.
Maybe we can get a little
bit of sleep around here.
This is the first money anyone's
had the nerve to flash all week.
Hello, fellows.
Boys, maybe it's my imagination,
but I get the feeling you guys
have been avoiding me lately.
Somehow or other,
that old give-and-take
spirit is gone.
Now, men, I can understand
your not getting
into my football pool
or to my bed-making contest,
but when not one ticket is sold
to tomorrow night's dance, I...
They're the cheapest bunch of...
Silence, Corporal Barbella.
Thrift and frugality
is a virtue I like to see
in my fellow soldiers.
But men, tomorrow
night's dance is above that.
It's something
close to our hearts.
You've all seen the calendar.
We're honoring the birthday
of the 21st president
of the United States...
Chester A. Arthur.
Now, men, make me proud of you.
Corporals, give these
patriotic Americans
a chance to buy tickets.
Because I know that
when the chips are down,
these... Stop the sale.
Men, I find it hard to believe
that three dollars a ticket
is going to stand in
your way of paying tribute
to a man who gave us...
the Tariff Law of 1883.
A man who's responsible...
for the Canal Treaty
with Nicaragua.
Yo, fellas, the big
poker game's over!
How'd you do, Sowici?
What does this look
like, recruiting posters?
- Man!
- They all won.
Pendleton and Grover, too.
Well, who lost?
From out of nowhere,
some strange yardbird
walked in on us.
He had a bankroll.
Insisted on playing.
What a sucker.
It was like shooting
a sitting duck.
And speaking of ducks...
Here is a dead one.
Oh, Mess Sergeant Sowici...
The Army's answer
to Betty Crocker.
You know, we missed you, Bilko.
It was strange sitting
down to a poker game
and watching the cards being
dealt from the top for a change.
You know the rules...
You have to show a
bankroll to get into the game.
We gotta keep out the riffraff.
Riffraff.
That's a hot one.
Say, that was good the
way he came out with that.
"Riffraff"... funny, funny.
You poor slobs.
Anytime I want, you
know what I can do?
You're shooting blanks, Bilko.
We got your dough, and you
ain't gonna con us out of it;
you ain't gonna
talk us out of it;
in other words,
all together, boys:
♪ You ain't ♪
- ♪ Getting it ♪
- ♪ Back. ♪
Oh, this is gay.
Jolly GIs at play.
Fun on the post.
You poor souls.
So, you decided to
freeze me out, huh?
Good boys.
And you men are gonna gang
up to see that I stay frozen?
Good boys.
Swell, that's the way it'll be.
From now on it's jungle warfare.
And remember one thing...
Like the man says at
Madison Square Garden,
"Protect yourself at all times."
Two for flinching.
Yeah, it's a pity, ain't it?
The bigger they are,
the harder they fall.
And this is the big brain,
the smartest guy on the post.
The handwriting was on
the wall when the old man
took his motor pool
platoon away from him.
And now he's got a
basic training squad.
Basic training.
You know, boys,
Bilko practically ain't
in the Army anymore.
Two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.
Hut, two... Platoon, halt.
Stop! Stop!
Men... Men.
I must admit I was very happy
what I saw out there today.
Happy.
Happy that you were
too young for the last war,
or we'd be still fighting it.
And, Higgins, get
these men on the ball.
Stop moping around.
Atten...!
All right, go to mess for chow.
These kids will drive
me out of my mind.
Chow, chow.
Lunch, lunch.
Hut, two, three, two! Hut!
14 years in the Army, I wind
up with Ding Dong School.
What's the matter with Higgins?
I don't know what's
the matter with him.
He's got the blues or something.
Maybe it's the
responsibility he's got.
- Responsibility?
- Sure.
What do you mean responsibility?
Higgins is holding the money
for all the kids in the squad.
Over 200 bucks.
Go on.
Well, I know you don't like
to take money from rookies,
but maybe you could just
sort of hold it for a while,
and then pretend
it's our bankroll,
so's you can get back
into the game, and...
- No, huh?
- No.
- Just asked.
- Just answered.
Higgins is holding
that money for the kids
when they go on
their first furlough,
and nobody's gonna touch it.
Why don't you get
these records straight,
so I can understand...? Come in.
You got this thing
all loused up. I ca...
Excuse me, Sergeant Bilko,
could I speak to you a minute?
Alone?
Might as well in front of them.
They're gonna find
out later, anyway.
What is it?
Well, sir, you know that money
I was holding for the squad?
Was holding?
Over $200.
Go on, go on, go...
go ahead... what?
Well, last night,
I-I was passing by
Sergeant Sowici's kitchen...
Oh, no!
Go ahead, go ahead,
go ahead, go ahead.
Well, I-I heard there was
a poker game going
on in there, and...
You didn't.
Say it: You didn't. You didn't.
He did.
This is the sucker
Sowici was crowing about.
Why, those miserable meatballs.
They took these kids
for their entire bankroll.
Oh, no, no, no,
sir. It was my fault.
You see, I was considered
quite a poker player in college.
In college?!
I-I really forced my
way into that game.
You forced your way into a
game with regular Army sergeants?
Kid, you tell that
to the psychiatrist
and you can get out of the Army.
All right, all right, all right.
Oh, my gosh, I lost
all the squad's money.
How do you like the...? All
right, don't you worry about it.
I'll have you that
money back in a week.
You're gonna have
the money back?!
Yeah. Now go to mess, go on.
But how-how can you
get the money back...?
Get to lunch.
About face!
Hut, hut!
How do you like those
miserable meatballs?
Taking advantage of a rookie.
Oh, no, no, no.
This time they've gone too far.
This time I'm really
gonna give it to 'em.
Give it to 'em?
They already got it.
$250 of our dough,
$220 from Higgins.
470 clams.
That's civilian type money.
How are you gonna get it back?
How?
Psychology.
Psychology?!
Yes, sir, psychology.
The whole post is waiting
for me to make my move
and get that $470 back, right?
So are we.
Well, can I be bothered
with chicken feed like that?
No. I'm too busy with the store.
- Store...?
- The store?
Did you say "store"?
- Yes, sir. Our store.
- We got a store?
This ad's been running in
the local paper for over a year.
It's an empty store for rent.
I've been saving it for an
emergency just like this.
Here, you, go to town
and rent me that store.
- Rent the store?
- Yes, sir.
There it is right there.
"Store for rent. Month's rent
free for enterprising person.
George Crow Real
Estate," etcetera.
- Go, go, rent the...
- Sure, sure, sure, sure.
Just a minute... Ernie, I
was on the rifle range all day.
My ears.
With an empty store, we're
gonna get the money back
from Sowici and
Pendleton and Grover?
Get it back?
They're gonna come
in here personally
and beg me to take it back.
- Beg you to take it?
- Yes.
And Sowici... sweet
Sergeant Sowici...
He's gonna come in here
on his hands and knees,
with the money in his mouth,
and he's gonna
lay it at my feet.
Go, go, go.
On his hands and knees?
Glad to have you on
the post, Anderson.
Thank you, sir.
Ah, Mr. Crow, it isn't
often we're visited
by the mayor of Roseville.
Colonel Hall, I am not
here to discuss the situation
between your camp of soldiers
and the town of Roseville.
One of your sergeants
wishes to make a rental
in a building I own.
According to Army regulations,
you must countersign the leases.
There are two of them.
Isn't it strange, Mr. Crow,
for a town that has
continually slammed the door
in the faces of my
men... American soldiers...
That you're going to allow
a soldier to live there now?
No soldier is living there.
It's a store.
And for business purposes only.
A store?
Bilko... renting an empty store?
I'm afraid I'll have to...
Uh, but sir, regulations
state that outside activities
are permissible if it does
not interfere with his work.
That's right, Colonel.
Thank you.
That copy is yours.
Good day, Colonel.
Uh, I'll file this, sir.
What is Bilko up to now?
- File this.
- Yes, sir.
Wow, here he goes again.
What is it?
Bilko's rented an empty store.
An empty store?!
Wait'll the boys
hear about this.
Wait'll the girls
hear about this.
Sorry, Lieutenant,
this is an emergency.
What's Bilko gonna do
with that store, Pendleton?
What's the deal?
How should I know?
Sure, you'll never know.
You guys just took his money
and froze him out, that's all.
Now who's frozen out?
Out of what?
It's just an empty store.
What are you talking about?
It's just an empty store.
Oh, sure, it's just
an empty store.
That's how Woolworth
started... With an empty store.
Stay away from him, you told us.
Freeze him out, you told us.
Now he's in on something big.
Who's frozen out now?
More salt.
Ernie, please, just once more!
So we're in business.
We got a store.
An empty store.
So what do we do now?
Nothing.
We just wait here till
they bring us the money.
They're a little sooner
than I expected.
Come in.
- Hi, Ernie!
- Hi, Ernie!
Hi, Ernie.
Hiya, Pendleton, boys.
What's on your mind?
Nothing. It's just
a friendly call.
I got a few new sharp
jackets in from Quartermasters.
Fender!
Naturally, I want you to
be the first to have one.
Just for size.
Say, this is awful
nice of you, Steve.
Listen, if pals
don't stick together,
what's the whole thing worth?
So true, so true.
Oh, Ernie, what's this I hear
about you renting
a store in town?
Store? Oh, yes, a store.
That's right.
Look, uh, shoulders
with a sweep to 'em,
you know what I mean?
Fender, the shoulders!
Uh, Ernie, what
kind of a store is it?
An empty store.
I know, but something
must have appealed to ya.
Not in particular.
As a matter of fact, I
haven't even seen it yet.
You haven't seen it?
No. What for? I
know what's in there.
What?
Nothing.
It's an empty store.
It stays empty.
Fender, listen, can you
give me that Air Corps drape?
You know what I mean?
Fender, drape.
Ernie, uh, can you
take in a few partners?
Partners? In what?
I told you it's an empty store.
I never heard
anything as ridiculous.
Ernie, the boys in my platoon
and I got this 140 bucks
together. We want in.
You gotta let us in on it.
Did you ever
hear...? In on what?!
It's an empty store!
Fender, look, can you
give me some pleats?
Pleats?
Give him pleats!
Ernie, when the
smartest operator
in the whole United States Army
suddenly decides
to rent a store,
we don't ask no questions.
We just want to be cut in.
Well, what can I do?
You hear them.
They're begging.
All right, Rocco,
you're the treasury.
Here, here's your lease.
You got a third
of an empty store.
Ernie... You, you,
you just stand there!
Give me something with
the sleeves; some character!
Ernie, I'll never forget this.
I'm sure you won't.
"354 Oak Street."
Come on, boys.
Get some trucks.
We'll go down and
see our property.
Fender, until it fits.
We're in business!
Give me something...
Padded should...
Hello, Ernie.
Well, this is a day
for visiting, isn't it?
Just figured you
might be hungry,
so the boys fixed up
some cold fruit for ya.
Oh, that's nice.
What is it, Sowici?
Oh, nothing much.
Uh, we understand you
rented an empty store...
- Out!
- And...
Yeah, but the
fellas asked me to...
- Out!
- They gave me the money to give...
You don't want to do
business with the riffraff, do ya?
- Out!
- Oh, I was only kidding, but the money...
- Out with the dead duck routine! Out! Out!
- The fellas...
Well?
Sergeant Bilko, I love you.
Flatterer.
Fender, the pleats, Fender!
What?! Are you sure?
Hundreds of soldiers
are milling around
in front of that empty store?
What? What? Yes!
Sure, I rented it to a soldier.
But the lease states
that only the owner is
allowed on the premises.
Huh? What?
They say they're all partners?!
Huh. I'll go right down
and deal with them,
don't you worry.
Miss Facie, call
the military police.
The military?
- Yes.
- Yes, sir.
Oh, uh, Mr. Harper to see you.
- What?
- Well, hi, Mr. Crow.
I'm sorry, Harper...
Well, look, I just
wanted to talk to you
about renting one of
those two empty stores
in that building on Oak
Street that you have.
Yeah. Now look,
Harper, I... What? Rent?
Yeah, there's a lot of
soldiers down there.
It's pretty lively.
I want to get an ice cream
parlor in one of those stores
before somebody
else thinks of it.
Why, sure, sure.
Miss Facie...
make out a lease for
Mr. Harper, will ya, please?
Never figured that
section would come to life.
Whew! Neither did I.
Fender, Fender,
look, this is all right,
but you're not capturing me!
Give me a sweep. Something...
There she is, Ernie!
Oh, Jim, you shouldn't have.
Ah, forget it, Ernie.
Friendship is above regulations.
My own telephone.
Hello, get me Honolulu.
Aw, Jim, how can
I ever repay you?
You know how.
120 bucks for a
share in the store.
I'm begging you.
What can I do? He's begging me.
Treasurer, take their money.
Here, it's 120 bucks.
Here's your lease.
You got a third interest
in the empty store.
- Ah...
- Give me a little...
Ernie, Ernie, I...
Oh, thanks, Ernie.
Fender, do you think you
got me at all in this outfit?
Come and get it!
A turkey dinner with
all the trimmings, Ernie.
- Out. Out.
- The fellas gave me the money.
Out. Out.
We wanna invest... Take
the money, Ernie, please?
- Out. Out. Out!
- We won it, but the fellas, believe me...
- They, they...
- Out!
He knows the conditions.
On his hands and knees. Out.
Fender, are you sure I can't
get this in a charcoal gray?
But sir, look at
the bright side.
The boys have spent so much
time in front of Bilko's store
there hasn't been any
gambling on the post for days.
Relax, sir.
Relax?
No gambling on
the post for days?
What is he up to?
Where are they gambling?
Extra! G.I. gambling den raided!
Empty store used as casino!
Here's the man who rented it:
Private Bilko, former sergeant.
Here's the man who okayed it:
Sergeant Hall... former colonel.
Colonel Hall?
I'll go quietly!
Oh! Oh, it was a dream.
What do you want, Anderson?
I found a copy
of that lease, sir.
It's your signature, all right.
I know that!
It's the only thing I do know!
But I'm going to find out
what's going on in this post!
No, no-no, no.
You're not capturing me at all.
See what you're doing?
You're covering the pleats.
Here's what I want:
Give me a sweep, you know?
Dashing, gay, but virile!
Know what I mean?
Never mind that shoulder.
This is the shoulder
we're having trouble with.
You don't capture
this one at all.
This is the one I parade
with, you understand?
Don't freeze on me now, Fender.
Come on. Don't goof off.
Fender, you're
fighting me. Look...
I got more trouble
with... Attention!
Sergeant Bilko
and his merry crew.
Corporal...?
Barbella, sir.
Henshaw, sir.
And which one are you,
Hart, Schaffner, or Marx?
Sir, I'd like to
explain... I can explain.
I can now explain why the
Quartermaster Corps is always
too busy to even sew
on a button for me.
Custom-tailored uniforms.
Pleats!
I've always dreamed
of a jacket like that.
But Sergeant Bilko
snaps his fingers and...
Oh, no!
I don't hear a telephone ring.
A telephone in a barracks?
Where is it?
Mm... wh-where,
where is what, sir?
The telephone!
A private telephone.
I have to share
mine with 14 officers.
Sergeant Bilko is indisposed.
"Who is this?"
This is his stooge...
the commanding officer!
Turkey dinners,
uniforms custom-tailored,
a private telephone.
What next?
♪ Happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday, dear Ernie ♪
♪ Ha...! ♪
And on my birthday,
he gave me a jelly donut.
Get back to your kitchen!
Yes, sir.
Sergeant Bilko, may
I use your phone?
Oh, please do so.
Make yourself at home.
Anything you want here...
Get me Lieutenant Anderson.
Bilko, I don't know what's
going on, but I do know that
that store is at the
bottom of all this.
Hello, Anderson. Colonel Hall.
I... Never mind
where I'm calling from.
Lieutenant, I want
to have that store
at 354 Oak Street declared
off-limits immediately.
Put up signs all over
the town and the post.
No soldier is allowed
within a hundred feet of it.
Now...
that's all we'll hear
about that store.
Pleats.
Well, that does it.
You all heard the Colonel.
There's only one
thing left to do.
Take out the pleats.
Oh, well, so now
you like soldiers.
Yeah, when there's a
chance of making a profit, I...
Well, sure, we're
making a profit.
But do you know
where the profit's going?
Into a service
center for the boys.
A service center!
Yes.
Every civic
organization is behind it.
Colonel, for the
first time in years,
our town is coming to life.
Amazing!
Who would want to make
a profit from the boys?
Yes.
Who?
Okay, you're in.
Hey, good to have you onboard!
Oh, boy!
Well, men, now that we
got all the partners here,
I think we should have a
board of directors meeting.
Yeah.
Now, fellas, there's been
something on my mind
for quite a while.
I'd like to ask you about it.
Now, you boys own
an empty store, right?
Yeah.
Well, what are you
gonna do with it?
What are we gonna do...?
Well, we thought that you had...
You own a third, you own a third
and you own a third.
Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh-What about you?
Don't you own a piece of it?
Me?! I'm in the Army.
What would I want
with an empty store?
♪ And it's hi! hi! hee!
In the field artillery... ♪
Higgins!
Yes, sir.
Sergeant Sowici's contribution.
Aw, gee, Sergeant
Bilko, but what about you?
Don't worry. We got plenty left.
Oh, no, Sergeant, I can't
take your money. My...
Now get in there and
show some pep in this outfit.
Let me see some spirit.
Hup!
Right face!
♪ Over hill, over dale, and
we hit that dusty trail... ♪
And how about the money now?
♪ As the caissons
go rolling... ♪
The money, the money.
It's working for us.
Yeah, but I got... What...?
Well, I couldn't hang
around with a guy
as smart as you all these years
without having some
of it rub off on me.
The money, Barbella.
We made over $400
on one empty store.
Imagine what we're
gonna make with six of 'em.
Six of 'em?!
That's what the money is doing:
down payments on the only
six empty stores left in Roseville.
Here are the leases.
Don't tell me. You're kidding.
You didn't fall
for the routine I...?
I created my own monst...
You thought...?! You...?!
But Sarge, it seemed
like such a great...
Who gave you
such a stupid idea?!
- You.
- You did.
Sergeant Sowici was
played by Harry Clark,
Sergeant Pendleton by Ned Glass,
Sergeant Grover by Jimmy Little,
and Fender was
portrayed by Herbie Faye.