The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 1, Episode 17 - The Investigation - full transcript

Military budget held up.

Special committee appointed

to investigate rumors
of military waste.

Committee findings may mean
pay cuts for men in service.

Cuts?

What are you...
what are you worried?

Just another investigation.
Are they kidding?

Immediate investigation
of Army bases

planned by committee.

Those are the headlines.

Now for Fenton
Dudley in Washington.



Good evening. This
is Fenton Dudley.

With me in the studio tonight

is the Special
Citizens' Committee

appointed to make
a whirlwind tour

through Army installations,

investigating rumors of waste
and pampering of our soldiers:

Former Congressman Pettiguild;

Mrs. Alice Colby,

President of the Women for
Economy in Government League;

and the chairman
of the committee,

Mr. Clyde Fortright, President
of the Taxpayers' Federation

to Cut Waste in Government.

Uh, Mr. Fortright,
can you tell us briefly

the purpose of
this investigation?



Well, Fenton, our
purpose is plain...

We're out to save money.

Heaven knows we
don't want to hamstring

the defenses of our
country, but we hear rumors

of enlisted men who are living
the lives of country gentlemen.

A four-year vacation with pay.

They found out about Bilko!

It's our duty to
investigate these rumors,

rumors of country-club living,

where the finest
imported wine is served.

Lies! This is domestic
if I ever tasted domestic!

Congressman Pettiguild,
would you say a few words?

- Let's get something else on...
- Wha...!

I don't bother you when you
listen to Ding-Dong School.

This is important.

I'm with Clyde here whole hog.

When I was in the
Army... Just a dogface,

and proud of it... I
was paid $21 a day,

once a month.

Uh, thank you.

Uh, Mrs. Colby,

will you tell us a
little about your trip?

Well, it's more
or less top secret.

But we're going to
start with the Army.

Uh, you're going to
sort of swoop down

on some camp unannounced?

Some poor commanding
officer's in for it.

We're going to some
out-of-the-way place,

uh, somewhere

- in the Middle West.
- The Middle West?

There must be hundreds of camps
in the Middle West besides ours.

A camp nobody hears about

because practically
nothing ever happens there.

They're getting warm.

The camp we're investigating

is an almost forgotten
outpost of our military system.

Drab, unrecognized,
practically asleep.

- They're coming here!
- Oh...

That's it, drab, unrecognized,
practically asleep...

He just described Fort Baxter.

I got to go get my
kitchen cleaned up.

I got to unpack that new
Signal Corps equipment.

- My quartermaster shoes...
- Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Come here, you meatballs!

This is the chance
we've been waiting for.

This is the chance
to get a raise.

A raise? He's gonna cut our pay.

Cut us? When I show that
committee around this post

and let 'em see how
we live on the measly...

The colonel's gonna let you
show 'em around the post?

Let me?

He's gonna order me to!

Just stand by for instructions.

The committee is coming in on
the 8:10 plane in the morning?

Yes, sir. I'll have
everything in order.

They're coming here, all right.

What'll I do?

Nobody important has
visited this post since...

that camp show got lost
and came here by mistake.

Oh, dear, a military reception.

I'll alert the post band.

The post band... wait.

Find out if they can
play any marches.

Nobody's ever heard them

play anything but
mambos for Bilko's dances.

We'll, uh, we'll get together
the Honor Squad, sir.

The Honor Squad.

Three of its members
are in the guardhouse.

Wh-Why does this
have to happen to me?

Come in.

Colonel Hall.

What is it, Bilko?

Sergeant Bilko,
how nice to see you!

Well, thank you, miss.

Colonel, you didn't tell me

there was a movie
star on the post.

Here it comes.

Are you here to
entertain the boys?

Oh, you folks do
do a grand job...

Come now, Sergeant Bilko.

- Bilko?
- Heavens, it's Mrs. Hall!

- If you get any
younger, - Bilko?

I swear they'll be calling
him a cradle snatcher.

- Oh, you are...
- Bilko!

Huh?

What is it? We're busy!

An investigating committee is
coming here tomorrow morn...

Oh, yes, sir, isn't it exciting?

- Exciting?
- Yes.

Just think of the
wonderful opportunity

to show off our post, sir.

Bilko! Stop joking!

I'm not joking, sir.

This is a service installation.

- Well...
- We're not prepared to entertain VIP's!

Well, it's a grand
opportunity, sir.

I'll meet them at
the airport myself

with the staff car, show
'em around the barracks,

- take 'em to the mess...
- You? You?

You'll meet them and
take them around?

Well, sir, I presume...
You certainly are.

You're the last man in the
Army I'd trust with visitors.

They'd end up in a crap game.

Oh... He does come
out with the good ones.

- Never mind, never mind.
- Funny! Funny! He's funny!

Never mind, just see that your
barracks are clean and that...

that your men are GI

- when I bring them around.
- Yes, sir.

Sir, are you gonna
show them around?

Of course.

Well, sir, I... I know
you'll do a fine job

of showing them everything,

but I can only hope
they'll believe you.

You hope they'll believe me?

Well, no offense
meant, sir, but you know

those taxpayers' committees,
they're very suspicious.

And you as the
commanding officer,

well, they may not think
you're showing them everything.

Bilko, are you intimating that I
would want to hide something?

Oh, no, sir, you're the last
person in the world I'd suspect.

Well, land sakes alive, sir, I
would vouch for you for any...

- Oh, I'd vouch for him.
- Bilko?

I'd sign an IOU for this man.
I'd put my name on any loan...

Bilko!

Just what are you driving at?

Well, no, sir, you
saw it yourself.

This-This Congressman
Pettiguild, he's an ex-soldier.

You know how those
doughboys feel...

They're very bitter
about officers.

That has nothing to do with me.

I guess you're right, sir.

You'll just have to
take your chances.

Chances?

How can you help but
admire a man like this?

He's going through a
thing against all odds,

even against ex-congressmen
who want to get even with officers.

Uh, John, maybe
Sergeant Bilko's...

She's right, every word
she said is right, sir.

Absolutely right, sir.

Because we should
have no fuss, no bother,

just an uninterrupted day
in the life of Fort Baxter.

Yes, but... tomorrow's Saturday,

that's my day to
work in the garden.

And it's my day for
collecting old clothes

- for the Salvation Army.
- Yeah.

Wonderful, wonderful...
A typical Saturday

in a happy, happy camp.

You digging away in your garden,

you collecting clothes
for a worthy cause.

Oh, incidentally, Mrs. Hall,
uh, drop by the barracks...

The boys have some
clothes they want to give you.

Oh, thank you, Sergeant!

Colonel, he may be right.

Yes, yes, they'll see we're
not trying to hide anything

behind brass bands and parades.

The splendid ideas
this man comes up with!

Isn't it magnificent?

This is... it's gonna
be wonderful!

Just an uninterrupted
day, a normal day.

An enlisted man meets
them at the airport, starts...

- Oh, sir, who shall we get to meet them?
- Oh...

I wonder who we can get.

- Oh, how about you?
- Oh, please, I couldn't. I...

- Why not, Bilko?
- Well, sir, I'd love to...

Why, you've been here
longer than any other sergeant.

You know the post
better than anybody.

But sir, I have such
a busy schedule.

- I don't know...
- Bilko, you'll conduct the tour!

That's an order.

Well, sir, if it's an order.

I'd better get my
clothes off the line.

No, please, if you
don't mind my saying so,

just leave it the way it
is... The clothes on the line

is the perfect touch,
so they can see

just a happy, happy
day at a camp.

- Yeah.
- A camp that's led...

by a magnificent
commanding officer!

Oh, come, now, Bilko.

Glad to say it, anytime at all.

Come on, let's go, get
them plants outta here!

Hey, hide that pool table.

Get the games out
this way, will ya?

Hey, you got the
mattress? Outside.

- Yeah.
- Bring the boards in here.

Get the boards on the
sack; they'll never know.

Come on, let's go.
Change them signs, will ya?

Get the curtains off, Kadowski.

What do you want this
to look like? That a boy.

Hey, listen, I just got
a call from Henshaw.

He picked them up
at... at the airport,

and he's bringing them
right to this barracks

so Bilko can take over, huh?

Hey, Ernie!

- Everything is all set.
- Here, get rid of this stuff.

- Quick! On the double! Get it out of here!
- Hey, Sarge?

- Where should I put this?
- Hide it! Get it out of here!

Anything that looks like
luxury around the camp.

Not even the barest necessities.

They want to see poverty,
they're gonna see poverty.

I'm taking this outfit and
making it a Tobacco Road.

Now, look, do this thing
right, do what I tell you,

we got to wind
up with that raise.

Hey, Ernie, here
comes the chief.

All right, on the double.
Look, tell the guys

when they line up, only
the thin guys in the front line.

- Especially you.
- Here they come, here they come.

Out, out! And remember your cue!

Rocco, get that out of there!

♪ Over hill, over dale, we
will ride the dusty trail... ♪

Sergeant Bilko,
you've been ordered

to conduct this committee on
an inspection of Camp Baxter.

Committee on an inspection?

Well, heavens, we're
not even prepared.

- We didn't expect any...
- Sergeant?

We meant this to be a surprise.

Well, sir, it certainly is.

I... Oh, just a moment.

Isn't this Congressman
Pettiguild?

You recognize me?

Recognize you, sir?

The Champion of the South?

I always say, the North
may have won the war,

but you're going to live
to make them regret it.

Very good. I must remember that.

- Thank you.
- This is Mrs. Colby.

- How do you do?
- Hello, Sergeant.

Say, I saw you last
night on television,

and if I may say so, you're
even lovelier in person.

It must have been
quite a sacrifice

giving up the career of a
model to go into politics.

Oh, now, Sergeant, a model!

Why, I'm just a plain housewife.

Plain! Plain, indeed!

Calling her plain?

That's like calling
Marilyn Monroe mousy.

I don't think I have...

Is this going to
be a social visit?

Well, no, no, not-not...
Oh, just a minute.

Isn't this Mr. Fortright?

Oh, the many times I've enjoyed
your speeches on temperance.

Oh, yes, sir... you make
Carry Nation seem like a ruffian.

- Are you through?
- Yes, sir.

If you are, we can
get on with our job.

We're here to cut down

this waste and
extravagance we hear about.

Oh, and it's about
time, if I may say so.

No easy job for a sergeant
trying to handle men...

who are so used
to being pampered.

- Pampered?
- Oh!

Well, now, I think we're lucky,

running into a sergeant as
intelligent as Sergeant Bilko.

Thank you.

I've seen your face on
some cover... was it Vogue?

- No.
- Harper's Bazaar?

I've seen that face.

- Please!
- Yes, sir?

- May we begin?
- Well, of course.

Well... this is a
typical barracks.

- Mm-hmm.
- Who could ask for anything more?

There is some rumors
that they're gonna

tear these barracks down, but
I think that's rather ridiculous...

They were built to
last a hundred years,

and these have got at
least two more years to go.

Oh, yes, it's just like home.

Are those boards?

Oh, yes, but that's just
for the enlisted men.

Uh, what the officers sleep on,

well, that's
something else again.

- I thought so.
- Yes, they sleep on straw.

- Straw?
- Yes. Oh, we don't mind.

It gives us an incentive
to rise to the top

to become officers ourselves.

You've got that wrong, dear.

- Officers have the straw, not...
- Straw.

- The straw's for the officers.
- Thank you.

Speaking of officers...

where is your
commanding officer?

Well, I believe
this is his day off.

Mm.

Out to the country club
playing golf, I suppose.

Or is it yachting this week?

Well, uh, I'd
rather not say, sir.

Come clean... what does he do?

Well, uh, this is the day he
makes a little extra money

doing work for the civilian.

Doing work for the civilian?

Oh, yes, you see,
officers don't get much pay.

They have to pay
for their own uniforms,

and that 60 cents an hour
he gets digging cesspools,

ditches and mowing lawns,
well, it does pay, you see?

It makes ends meet.

The commanding
officer takes in odd jobs?

This is the most ridi...

Attention! Colonel Hall!

Oh, I-I'm sorry.

Oh, don't go,
Colonel, don't g...

Please don't say
a word about it, sir.

He's terribly proud, very proud.

- Come in, Colonel.
- I'm sorry,

I didn't expect you to be
in here. My clothes are...

Oh, I explained everything, sir.

Oh, thank you, Bilko.

Oh, you haven't met
the committee, have you?

No.

This is Mrs. Colby, a well-known
model of years gone by.

This is, uh, Congressman
Pettiguild, Mr. Fortright.

Our colonel.

How do you do?

Uh, pardon me for
not shaking hands.

Uh, they're a little dirty.

We understand, Colonel.

Yeah, uh... uh, you
know, when you...

when you work with
the soil, you know...

Oh, it's nothing
to be ashamed of.

Mm. Uh,

well, has Sergeant
Bilko been showing you

everything that goes
on at Fort Baxter?

He certainly has.

Well, Sergeant,
uh, I just dropped in

to get that shovel
that you said you had.

Oh, yes. Uh, Corporal
Barbella, the colonel's shovel!

Uh, when you've seen
everything, uh, won't you come over

and have dinner
with my wife and me?

Uh, that's our
cottage over there

with the wash
hanging out in front.

Now, carry on, Bilko.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you, Corporal.

- Oh, that reminds me. Remember...
- The wash out front?

Yes, we must pick up
our laundry. It's ready...

- The colonel's wife...
- Your laundry?

Oh, yes. The colonel's
wife does our laundry.

The colonel's wife
does your washing?

Oh, and a crackerjack
job she does.

Her rates are always
the best. She's wonderful.

Oh, no, you've got that wrong.

It's not the straw she
does, she does the laundry.

The straw's for the officers.

The commanding officer's wife
takes in enlisted men's washing?

Sergeant Bilko,
I just came to...

Oh, excuse me.

I just came for the clothes.

Well, you speak of an
angel, they'll always appear.

This is our beloved
commander's wife, Mrs. Hall.

I'd like to present
the committee.

This is Mrs. Colby, a famous
model. Isn't she lovely?

This is Congressman
Pettiguild and Mr. Fortright.

Our colonel's wife.

How do you do?

Oh, I appreciate this
so much, Sergeant Bilko.

If you knew the poverty.

Sergeant Bilko told us,
and believe me, Mrs. Hall,

we're going to do everything
we can... to help you.

Oh, it will be so appreciated.

Thank you.

Thanks.

And don't forget to
starch the collars, dear.

You've done a grand...

Now, Alice...
Oh, I can't help it.

That poor woman,
and she can still smile.

Sergeant Bilko, the
platoon has returned.

Let them wait.

No, no, no. Send them in.

We'd like to see
them if you please.

Yes, yes, we would...

All right, but please, when you
see them in their fancy uniforms

and full of zip and vigor,

don't think it's just
for your benefit.

They've just come back
from regimental inspection.

Good. Nothing like the
snap of a crack platoon.

Oh, you are an Army man, sir.

Hut, two, three, four.

Hut, two, three, four.

Hut, two, three.

Oompa, oompa... Oompa...

Hippity, hut, hey, yup.

Sergeant, this is a platoon

that just came back from
a regimental inspection?

Yes, sir. You'll have
to excuse my pride.

You see, this is my
very own regiment.

Sergeant, these
men are barefoot.

Yes, ma'am.

I said they're not
wearing any shoes.

Shoes? In summer?

Sergeant, do you mean

that these men don't
wear shoes in summer?

Well, sir, wouldn't
that be sheer waste?

Shoes in summer, indeed.

Oh, isn't it wonderful?

Look-Look at the sparkle
in these men's eyes.

These proud American soldiers.

Proud of the heritage they...

Gentlemen, let's
say it out loud.

What is the American soldier?

The healthiest
soldier in the world.

Right. You heard them.

The healthiest sol...

Paparelli, Paparelli,
pull yourself together.

Sergeant, what's
wrong with that man?

Pellagra.

- Pellagra?
- Pellagra?

We all have a touch of it,

but some of us are
too proud to give in to it.

Hold on, Paparelli.

- Sergeant, sometimes I can't...
- No, no, no.

Paparelli, come on.

You keep a hold
of yourself, man.

Remember, tomorrow we
get Kadowski's food package.

Food package?

Yes. Once a month, we
get a... a-a-a food package.

Kadowski... his relatives
send it from Poland.

Our boys...

Our boys get food
packages from Europe?

Well, sir, don't
take that wrong.

We love what we get here.

Oh, believe me, you'll
see that for yourself.

It's just that these
packages contain

certain little delicacies
we're not used to,

like sugar, butter,
uh, powdered eggs.

Huh, fellas?

Hold on, Paparelli.

Oh, I never heard
of such a thing.

No, you've got that wrong, dear.

Poland. See, we don't
get the straw from Poland.

We get the packages.
Straw's for the officers.

- This disappoints me.
- Sergeant?

Sergeant, this is
all very dramatic,

if a bit unbelievable.

Barefoot soldiers.

A fantastic story
of a colonel's wife

who takes in enlisted
men's washing.

Do you expect
me to believe that?

- Ah.
- Paparelli. Paparelli, hold on.

Hold on, Paparelli.

What is it now?

Well, nothing, sir.

It's just that cigarette.

It's been months
since the boys had one.

Paparelli, please!

And would you please be
kind enough, if you don't mind.

Blow a little smoke to
the men in the back row.

Well, I-I...

We... You see, in this platoon,
it's share and share alike.

Ah.

Oh, thank you.

Paparelli, hold on.

Hold on, Paparelli.-

Well, Sergeant, shall we go on?

No, no, stop...

Get-Get away. Get
away. Get away.

Paparelli, drop it.
Drop it, Paparelli.

Drop it! Drop it! Drop it!

Barbella, quickly. Get back.

- Excuse me. Excuse me.
- Back! Guys! Come here!

All right, now you take that

to the chaplain for safekeeping.

- Yes, sir. Thank you.
- On the double.

Come on, men.

You remember this platoon.

We share and share alike.

We'll each get a
puff right after retreat.

You remember that-that
butt we found last month?

We all got a pu...

- Who had the last puff?
- I did.

Oh, we start with you,
Doberman. Remember that.

Pull yourself together, boy.

All right, men,
time is running out.

You only got three minutes
left for the recreational period.

Recreation. Ah, yes.

I've heard of these
swimming pools,

elaborate game rooms.

Oh, games. Oh,
yes, we play games.

We have a game we love.

All right, men, now remember,

we only got three
minutes left for fun time.

- Now, whose turn is it?
- My turn, Sarge.

All right. Go.

Tag. You're it.

Come on, Paparelli.

Attaboy, Paparelli.

Go right after him, boy.

You mean, the only game

these boys play is
old-fashioned tag?

Oh, we play other games,
like Run, Sheep, Run,

Imagination Baseball.

Sergeant, I happen to know

that even the smallest Army
post has a movie theater.

Oh, so do we.

- We have a movie once a month.
- Once a month?

Yes, I know it
sounds extravagant,

but I heard rumors
of other camps

that have talking pictures.

You have silent pictures?

Oh, yes, we love
the silent pic...

Last week, we had
The Covered Wagon.

- Wasn't it fun?
- With the Indians.

- Oh, it was grand.
- These are the pictures you see?

Oh, and don't we love 'em.

We have a Francis X. Bushman
fan club right on the post.

Oh, yes... Oh, but enough
talk about the gaiety of soldiers.

I know there's something
else you would like to join us in,

and we'd deem it an honor

if you'd have chow with
us, as we say in the Army.

Excellent idea.

We want to eat
exactly what you eat.

And you will. You will.

And perhaps I
can help your cook.

Oh, I've seen that face.

- Was it the Police Gazette...?
- No.

Peek? Look? I saw you...

- Quiet. Quiet!
- Quiet.

Quiet!

Sowici, Bilko's
out in the corridor.

I know. I know. I
know. Now, quiet.

Hey, Sowici. Sowici,
is everything set?

Yeah, but if the colonel
ever finds out about this, I...

And you know this
is the time of the day

he usually comes here to
pick up scraps for his dog.

Stop worrying, will you?

Bilko's got it
timed to perfection.

Just take it easy.
Here they come!

All right, folks.

Oh, doesn't
everything smell good?

This is our little place.

I do hope you enjoy...

Oh, and with a great deal
of pride, may we present

our champion mess sergeant,
Sergeant Stanley Sowici!

How do you do?

He used to be with
the Howard Johnson's.

Howard cried like a
baby when he left him.

Won't you come in?

- Thank you.
- Shall we?

Yes, thank you so much.

- I'm as hungry as a hound dog.
- Me, too.

Well, that's good to hear.

I do hope you brought
your appetites with you.

And I hope everybody
likes frankfurters.

- Just like the old Army days.
- I love them.

- Excuse me.
- Oh, I'm so glad to hear that.

Well, I'll carve.

Huh.

And for you.

Oh, I believe this
one might be alive yet.

Here we are.

For you, sir, Mr. Fortright.

And my dear, I do hope
you like the outside cut.

There we have it.

All right, boys, there you go.

All right, all right,
let's not have any riots.

They'll be enough
for all of you.

- Beans?
- Please.

- How many?
- How many?

Really! Sowici,
these are our guests.

What do you mean, how...?

You take as many as you want to.

Three or four, any
amount you want.

Wait a minute.
Sergeant, tell me the truth.

Is this your usual meal?

It's no use, Sowici.

He's too smart for us.

Might as well
tell him the truth.

No, sir.

This is our Christmas dinner.

Well, what do you
men get every day?

Please, not while
they're eating. Please.

Oh, but we like what we...

At least we don't have to
pay for it, but the officers...

Attention!

Oh, uh, please be
seated, everyone.

Thank you, Colonel.

Pay no attention to me.

Uh, have you those, uh,

meat scraps and
bones for me, Sergeant?

Oh, yes, sir.

Right here, sir.

Hmm. Well, nice
and fresh, mm-hmm.

Uh, I hope you're
seeing everything.

Oh, we certainly are.

Carry on, Bilko.

So proud, so cheerful.

Yes, but his wife... That's
the real champion of all.

You should see what she makes
out of those bones and scraps.

The most wonderful
hash you could imagine.

Please! Wait.

I've seen enough.

I'm going back to
Washington immediately.

I shan't rest until that
military budget is raised.

Men, I'm going to see

that you all get at least
ten dollars a week more.

Men, men, you have been
the victim of terrible rumors.

Oh, well, thank you
so much, Mr. Fortright.

But we're very happy...

Hang on, Paparelli.
Hang on, boy.

Help is coming, boy.

All right, men, dismissed.

Remember, this
evening in my barracks

for basket weaving.

Basket weaving?

Oh, yes, we have a little
roadside thing we have.

We... The profits we
put into vitamin pills.

It helps the...

Sergeant, when is the
first plane out of here?

I'll arrange everything
for you, sir, immediately.

Too bad you couldn't
get those black-eyed peas

for the congressman.

Oh, but, John, this is Kansas.

Hmm.

There's the committee.

I must see how
the roast is doing.

Come in.

Ah, Mrs. Colby and
gentlemen, step this wa... way.

Well, what-what's this?

Take it. You don't
have to say anything.

Just something to tide you over

until we get you that raise.

Well...

Tell your wife she's
washed her last pair of socks.

Well, I don't understand it.

Dinner's ready!

I hope you like roast beef.

COLBY and FORTRIGHT: Roast beef?

- Do you have a dog?
- Of course.

Wh-What's the meaning
of this? I don't understand it.

Oh, the things we heard
about you from Sergeant Bilko.

Bilko.

Now I understand.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny! ♪

Hey, Sarge, you're a genius!

Who else could
have done it, huh?

They come out here
to cut the budget,

and they wind up
giving us a raise.

Hey, fellas, how about it
when the colonel walked in

for the bones and the scraps?

Let me tell you something.

That Mr. Fortright was
no easy nut to crack,

but when he cracked,
he went... he...

Excuse me, sir. I
thought you had left.

So this is the starving platoon.

Oh. Oh, well, don't
misunderstand this.

I'll tell you what
happened, sir.

Uh, Fort Crofter sent
us a carrier pigeon,

and we couldn't resist it, sir.

That's the leg of
a carrier pigeon?

Well, you see it's the new
type... for long messages.

Paparelli? Don't let what
you've seen here confu...

Paparelli, pull
yourself together.

Sergeant Bilko, you deceived us!

Stop!

Just a minute.

And you say you're not a model.

The way you sashayed
over here... Bilko!

They've had it, and so have I.

Mrs. Colby,
gentlemen, I am sorry

that conditions on this post
were so misrepresented.

If you'll spend the
night on the post,

I will show you
around personally,

and you can see for yourselves

just what the true
conditions are on this post.

Thank you. That's all we ask.

Mrs. Colby, will you spend
the night at my house, please?

Thank you.

Congressman Pettiguild
and Mr. Fortright.

Colonel, if it could
be possibly arranged,

I'd like to spend the
night in these barracks.

It's been so many years
since I've been in the Army, I...

Well, uh...

Oh, Colonel, please allow me
to put up the men in my room.

In some, oh... some small
way, perhaps I can repay

for the despicable
way I've acted.

I don't know what got into me.

- Well, I, uh...
- Won't you join me?

You'll love... It has
a roulette wheel.

We have television.

You'll love it in there.

As for the rest of you men,

you will go on
with your business

as you do every day.

I want the committee
to see the recreation hall

and the baseball field
and everything else.

That'll be all.

Come, Mrs. Colby.

Oh, you certainly fixed us good.

All right, all right,
take it easy. I pro...

Said you were... You
were gonna get us a raise.

- Ten dollars a week more!
- Yeah, you sure...

I promised each man
ten dollars, didn't I?

And I'm gonna
come through with it.

Let me see. There's 16 of us.

That would come to $160, right?

- Right.
- Don't wor...

Sergeant, we're waiting.

Oh, yes, that wonderful
game you suggested.

- What was it? Oh, poker.
- Poker.

Uh, how did you say about,
uh, jacks or better to open?

That's very intriguing.

But we ought to set a time
limit how long we should play.

Uh, let's play until
somebody wins $160.00?

$160.00?

Sounds like an
all-night session.

It certainly does.

Well, it'll be fun,
whatever it is. It'll be fun.

How much money was that?

$160.00.

All-night session?

They'll be in bed way
before they know it.

Mr. Pettiguild was
played by Ralph Dunn,

Mr. Fortright by Howard Freeman.

Mrs. Colby was
played by Nina Olivette.