The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 1, Episode 10 - The Centennial - full transcript
A special services officer arrives at the base and begins a program of offering fine arts, dance and painting instruction. Bilko becomes enraged when the officer, Lieutenant Parker bans the playing of poker. Sgt Bilko has trouble getting rid of Parker until the commander of the camp finds his own card playing activates curtailed
No, no, no, Corporal,
a little higher.
A little higher.
Higher?
No, no, no.
Didn't the Special
Service officer before me
give you men any
classes in art composition?
Art what?
Never mind. I'll finish it.
Corporal, when are your
modern dance classes?
Modern dance?
No modern dance.
I've been transferred
to a desert...
An intellectual desert.
But what an opportunity.
Ah, Lieutenant Parker.
Colonel Hall.
Welcome to Fort Baxter.
We haven't had a
Special Service officer here
since Lieutenant Zimmer left.
I was wondering if you
ever had one here, sir.
I noticed by the
records that you've
virtually no outside
organized activity for the men.
No drama workshop,
no art classes.
Lieutenant, this is
a service installation
with a permanent party
of regular old Army men.
I'm afraid they're
not interested in...
I know what the
men are interested in.
It can be boiled down
to one word... poker.
Well, there might
be a little, uh...
Yeah, usually under the
leadership of one sharpster
who organizes the
game and takes his cut.
Oh, then you've
met Sergeant Bilko.
Bilko.
I see you, Sowici.
What do you got?
Aces.
I got kings... three of them.
You know, I don't know,
I-I don't know why I even
bother to pick up my pay.
Why don't you
do it for me, Bilko,
and cut out the middle man?
All right, all right,
Sowici, stop beefing.
You're just running
into an unlucky streak.
It's in its 24th year.
You in or out?
All right, I'm in.
There's nothing else
to do around here.
There'll be a great deal to
do around here from now on.
- Attention!
- As you were.
I'm Lieutenant Parker, your
new Special Service officer.
How do you do,
sir? Sergeant Bilko.
Get a chair for the lieutenant.
It's a quarter limit.
You want to sit in, Lieutenant?
Sergeant Bilko, I understand
you're my assistant.
Yes, sir. I meant to drop
over and give you your orders...
tell you about the
activities of the day,
but this has been a very
busy night for me, so...
What with the football
pool, the pool contest,
the bed making rules.
I only got two hands, sir.
Sergeant, Sergeant,
did you realize
that there is supposed to be
no poker playing on the post?
No poker?
Why, are we at war?
That depends on you men.
Now, uh, I hope to see you all
at the modern art
class tomorrow night.
Modern art class?
Yes. May I have the cards?
Yes, sir.
Thank you.
Good evening.
Nice fella.
We're gonna miss
him around here.
Oh, did you get that?
Modern art class.
He's gonna need volunteers, huh?
I give him two weeks
before he asks for a transfer.
I give him ten days.
Lieutenant Zimmer
lasted a month.
Lieutenant Zimmer
had nerves of steel.
I bet he lasts two weeks.
- Five days.
- Five days?
- Five days.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Let's do it right...
We'll make a pool.
A buck a throw.
What day do you pick?
- 12 days.
- 12 days.
- Take-take those.
- Five days.
Five days. How
many days you want?
Attention!
Sergeant Bilko, I forgot to
mention that Mrs. Grimby
of the Roseville High
School art department
will be here tomorrow
night to start the art classes.
Yes, sir.
I want you to take
down the names
of all the men
who wish to enroll.
Very good, sir.
Oh, and, uh, Sergeant,
here is one dollar.
A dollar?
I want to enter your pool on
how long I'm going to stay here.
Oh, sir, we were only
kidding about that.
Just joking...
Well, I don't know
when I'm going to leave,
but when I do, you men will be
painting, dancing,
acting and singing.
And I'll be a captain.
As you were.
- He's gonna be rough, Sarge.
- What are you gonna do?
All right, you heard
what the lieutenant said.
As you were.
Now where were we? Who's in?
Art class meets tonight.
Hey, Sarge, look
at me... I'm a painter.
All right, all right, all
right, come on, fellas.
It's five minutes to 8:00.
We've got to make this official.
After all, I am Lieutenant
Parker's assistant.
True.
All you men who want to
volunteer for the art class,
please raise your hands.
A little higher, please.
Good boys. I'm proud of you.
It's the Bilko boycott.
Look, all you guys
who got him in the pool
to quit under three days,
looks like you got a winner.
Attention!
- Sir.
- Well... Well, Bilko?
Sir. I want you men to
volunteer for these art classes.
Come on, fellas, cooperate.
Maybe there's a
Picasso among you.
Please, fellas... Not
one volunteer, sir.
You'd think they'd
want a little culture...
- What's wrong, sir?
- Well, I'm counting the men.
I want to... I'm not sure
there'll be enough room
in the art class.
Enough room? Sir,
you don't understand.
There hasn't been one volunteer.
Didn't I make
it... He thought...
There's not a volunteer
in the entire battalion.
There's not one
man who... ooh, ooh.
Are you Lieutenant Parker?
Oh, Miss Doozer.
You shouldn't have come in here.
The art class is in
the recreation hall.
Miss Doozer is the
model we're using.
The model?
I just wanted to know
if there was someplace
where I could leave my clothes.
Clothes?
Well, we've, uh, we've made...
We've made accommodations
for you in the rec hall.
The rec hall?
Yes, the recreation hall.
Will-will one of you fellas
who are in the course
show Miss Doozer the way?
I got a shortcut. Wait for me.
Just as I thought... There
may not be enough room.
Where, where, where, where,
where, where you going?
Sarge-Sarge, if it
was anything else.
You saw her, Sarge.
Don't you see what he did.
He arranged the whole thing.
Sarge, there might
not be enough room!
Listen to me, that's all a plan.
Will you come...
It's all arranged,
where she says, "Where
can I leave my cloth..."
Wait for me!
While Miss Doozer is changing,
I would like to say a few words.
While the human body in art,
as in life, seems very uniform...
We all have two arms
and two legs and so forth...
There are many variations.
Men.
Just as no two faces are alike,
or we would all look the same...
Men.
Eyes right.
No two bodies are alike.
Men.
In painting the human
body, proportion is everything.
Keep that always in
your mind... Proportion.
Men.
I like to start my classes
with the human body.
Ready, Miss Doozer?
Just one second.
I know, it's exciting.
Your first art class
at Fort Baxter,
and that's why...
Ah, here she is.
This is Miss Doozer.
Are they kidding?
For our first picture, I have
selected a winter scene.
- Why you...!
- Sit down.
Now, now, now.
This is murder.
Sarge, think of something fast.
He's killing us, Sarge.
I know, I'm thinking, I'm
thinking all the time, fellas.
Gosh, three weeks of
painting, dancing, singing.
Are we ever gonna have fun again
just playing cards?
We will, men. I have
made my decision.
What is it?
We're gonna have a centennial.
Fort Baxter is
suddenly 100 years old.
But you did that
once already, Ernie.
That's when Lieutenant
Zimmer had himself transferred.
I know, we still have
that unpublished history...
You know, the one we
found in the old storage shed.
The only history ever
attempted about Fort Baxter.
Yeah, but I thought
you promised the colonel
you was gonna burn it.
I did, but "I better
save it," I said to myself,
"in case something
important comes up,"
and, gentlemen, this is it.
A centennial.
What-what did you say, sir?
A centennial!
Heavens, sir, how do you
ever think of all these things?
- A centennial... parades...
- Parades!
- Drills...
- Wonderful.
- Marches...
- Visiting generals.
- Senators...
- Newsreels.
Movie stars.
Why we could
have a pageant, sir.
A pageant!
You've thought of it again, sir.
Those long lost
heroes at Fort Baxter.
Bilko, this is it!
Sir, I've done some
research on that subject.
Bilko, it's in your hands.
You stage that pageant.
I'll get the publicity rolling.
A centennial... why it's
the best idea I ever had.
Wonderful, sir.
What was that he said?
Oh, sir, I got to get
to clay modeling.
They've all got sticky fingers.
- I'll be...
- Bilko, come back.
- Yes, sir?
- Come back here.
Did he say centennial?
I didn't hear what he
said, sir. I was so busy...
Did he say centennial?
Well, sir, I think he did.
I thought you burned that book.
Sir, it's a real true
history of the post, sir.
It's history that
has been forgotten.
Let's leave it that way.
Bilko, shame on you.
I know the lieutenant has
been a little hard on you fellas
with this culture drive of his,
but I thought you could take it,
without resorting to
something like this.
Why you start on
that centennial routine,
he won't last a week.
Oh, Sergeant, I want to see you
just about one thing right away.
Lieutenant Parker, now
about that centennial...
Really, Bilko, it was
supposed to be a surprise.
It's no surprise.
If you'll step into the
privacy of my office,
I'd like to discuss with you
something about the
history of Fort Baxter.
Oh, well, Colonel,
Sergeant Bilko is handling
all the research, and
I'm doing the producing.
So there really isn't
very much open for you.
Open for me? Why, I...
You won't have any time, anyway.
Tonight, the officer's
square dance meeting
is being held at your home.
Square dancing?!
This is my bridge night.
And tomorrow night,
the poetry club meets.
Well, then I'm having
people over for canasta.
I've discussed
it with your wife,
and she agrees with me that
Friday night is the best night
for the mandolin club to meet.
Friday night, that's
my pinochle night.
Colonel Hall, I'm afraid
there'll be little time
for card playing as
long as I'm on the post.
As long as he's
on the post, sir.
As long as he's on the post.
Uh, excuse me, sir.
You were saying something
about the centennial?
Nothing, nothing.
Go right ahead.
Good, good.
Sergeant, you get
on that pageant.
Order costumes,
scenery, everything.
- I'll get on the publicity.
- Right, sir.
- Bilko...
- Sir?
You're an conniver, a
sharpster and an operator.
And sometimes you're
almost a blessing.
Thank you, sir.
I got to get ready
with the pageant.
"A Hundred Years of Valor."
Oh. Sorry.
Mm-hmm.
That's the general
idea, Fleischman.
But may I ask why you're
trying to hide my name?
Uh, but, sir...
This poster's going up
all over the countryside.
I'm sending copies
of it to Washington.
I don't want them to
use a magnifying glass
to find out who it was that
was responsible for all of this.
Now use your head,
Fleischman, and do it over.
Yes, sir.
Oh, Harrison, I want you
to make arrangements
for Senator McTige
and his party.
- Yes, sir.
- Oh, uh...
Lieutenant, Sergeant Bilko
says the first act is ready.
Oh, good, good, good.
- I'll be right there.
- Yes, sir.
Hold it, Private
Hankel. That's all right.
But play "a cappello,"
you understand?
Like I rehearsed you.
Now, look, in the battle
scenes, I want a lot of excitement.
But play with the
fingers, not with the fists,
you understand?
Fleischman, on those
spotlights, this is a pageant...
It isn't the opening
of a supermarket.
Keep 'em in one
spot, you understand?
Hey, Sarge, Sarge.
What now?
How come Kadowski
is an Indian chief
and he's only a private.
It don't make sense.
Don't make sense.
Just do as you're told.
Back, come on, come on, come on.
And you stagehands, listen,
move the scenery, don't
throw it at each other, will ya?
- Sarge! Hey, Sarge!
- What now?
Oh... What? What?
Sarge, Paparelli says
that he's Dolly Madison.
Now, look, Fender,
you are Dolly Madison.
- I told him that.
- All right.
Now, listen, we're moving...
Horowitz, Horowitz, let
me hear those tom-toms.
Horowitz, let me
hear the tom-toms!
All right, cut it.
All right, cut it!
Now, watch your cues, all right?
Lieutenant, we're just
about ready to start, sir.
Splendid, splendid.
Bilko, this is going to
put a feather in our caps.
- Go right ahead.
- All right, sir.
All right, men, this is
it... Dress rehearsal.
Everybody in their places.
Watch it now.
Lights, music.
I am the voice of Fort Baxter.
Today, I am 100 years old.
You're sure good-lookin', buddy.
Come with me as we leap
through the pages of the history
of our glorious post.
Let truth prevail.
I am Truth.
Too long have my lips been
sealed... about Fort Baxter.
Let us meet our first hero...
General "Indian Bill" Baxter
and pull aside
the curtain of time.
And pull aside
the curtain of time.
General Baxter,
we haven't a chance!
General, we're
hopelessly outnumbered!
We'll have to surrender.
Surrender never!
We ain't gonna
surrender till we find out
who's been selling
them Injuns that whiskey!
General, it's hopeless.
Let me think.
Oh, the sound of those
tom-toms are driving me mad.
The sound of those
tom-toms are driving me mad!
Day in, day out they haunt
my brain, those tom-toms.
Always those tom-toms.
Thank heavens they've stopped.
Now you men go...
Thank heavens they've stopped.
You men go... They
stopped, thank heavens!
They've stopped, the tom-toms!
Now, men, you all go
out there and find out
and capture me
that Indian chief...
But, General, but, General,
it's suicide to leave the post!
We'll be cut down.
General, look at us.
We are in no condition to fight.
Just a minute.
Fi-de-lee-di.
Are these my brave
Indian fighters talking?
Are you gonna let a broken arm
and some poison
arrow wounds stop you
from bringing in that
Injun chief Tall Feather
who's probably been...
Go, men, go like the
brave heroes you are!
And how my heart aches to
think that I can't go with y'all.
General, you ain't coming along?
My sinuses...
Sinus giving you a lot
of trouble, huh, General?
General... What is this?!
It's Corporal Jonathan.
They got him!
A brave man, Corporal.
General, pull out the arrow.
This is a brave man.
I'm gonna give this man some
medals before this day is over.
General, just
pull out the arrow.
Hold on. Your brave...
Corporal, don't drip the
blood all over the table, please.
Hold on! Here's a message.
General, pull out the arrow.
Hang on, Corporal, hang on.
The message says, "Indian Bill,
"if you want us,
you come get us.
Chief Tall Feather."
Men, you gonna let that
filthy redskin talk this way
to your commanding officer?!
No!
General, pull out the arrow.
Go bring me back, and go!
Now I'll find out,
once and for all,
who's been selling those
Injuns that, that whiskey.
General, pull out the arrow.
Oh, yes, I almost forgot.
Ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
I got a sliver in my finger!
Go run to the infirmary,
get me a bandage.
General, I'll never make it.
See how far you can get.
Stop, stop, stop!
Bilko, is this one of
our heroes with a sliver?
Sir, you don't understand.
This was one of his tricks.
General Baxter was very crafty.
He let the Indians
think he was wounded.
They got careless, got drunk,
and they were all captured.
Oh, it's a very
good touch. Go on.
There's more to this, sir.
Ah, here come the men now!
General, we lost
most of the men, but...
We got 'em, Chief!
General, pull out the...
Brave men, brave men,
but they shall not die in vain.
Now I will find out
who's been selling you
Indians that whiskey.
Tell me!
You'll talk, you
filthy redskins!
Who's been selling
you that whiskey?!
It doesn't matter,
'cause from now on, you're
buying the whiskey from me.
I got some new
bourbon in from...
Stop, stop, stop!
What's wrong, sir?
Bilko, are you crazy?
Showing the first commanding
officer at Fort Baxter
selling liquor to the Indians!
Sir, it's all here
in the history.
I don't...
It all happened. You see, he
was dishonorably discharged,
and they sentenced him
to 30 years in federal prison.
I don't care,
Bilko, I don't care!
Is this the centennial?
100 years of valor?
I'll be the laughingstock
of the Pentagon!
Sir, it just builds
up the next episode
about the Civil War.
You know, it involved
Honest Colonel John Otis,
the hero of the Civil War?
Honest John.
Oh, he did one of the most
tremendous feats of all time.
This man let friendship nor
love stand in his way of duty!
Oh, that's more
like it now, Bilko.
Much more like it.
You better start the
pageant from there.
All right, sir, I'll
make a few changes
and start it from there.
Lucky I caught it in
time. It was a close shave.
Well, looks like he's
weakening, huh?
General, pull out the arrow.
Oh, shut up.
Listen, get out of
these costumes.
New rehearsal start.
Get everybody...
Yes, yes, I know, sir.
It's, it's very bad.
Very, very, bad, but the
centennial is still on, sir.
It's just that we needed
a slight postponement.
A little rewriting.
I am Truth.
Too long have my
lips been sealed.
Let us meet Fort
Baxter's great hero,
Colonel "Honest John" Otis
in that great moment
during the Civil War
that made him famous.
Gentlemen...
the court-martial has
reached its decision.
General Otis, Major
Barton is your best friend!
You were at West Point together.
And yet you're condemning him...
To death, yes!
Bring in the prisoner.
Gentlemen, you think this was
an easy decision for me to reach?
Henry!
John!
Major Barton, you have
been found guilty of treason!
But I'm innocent!
I never saw that piece
of paper! Have pity!
Then how do you account for
your name being on this document
signed by Jefferson Davis,
Confederate president!
Stop! Stop!
My husband is innocent!
He's innocent!
Madam, I'm sorry, but
he has been found guilty.
You think this was an easy
decision for me to make,
sending my best
friend to be hanged?
John!
You have been found guilty!
The court-martial is over!
Please, have mercy!
You've known him all your life!
Take the prisoner away.
John!
John, please, please?!
Not that! Please!
Sometimes the call of
duty is more important
than anything that
love or friendship...
John, he's your best friend!
They've gone.
Darling!
At last, we've
gotten rid of him!
Rid of him at last!
Your idea of planting that
paper on him was perfect!
Now, wait, we have a
more important decision.
You got to rush this letter
to General Robert E. Lee.
Robert E. Lee?!
In there, in there
is the information
that I'm gonna sell him
every gun on this entire fort.
We'll make a fortune!
And then it's off,
off to South America!
Alone at last, darling!
I love you.
The moment I saw
you, I loved you.
Stop this! Stop this! Stop this!
There's more to this, sir.
The best part is coming.
Are you out of your mind?!
What's wrong, sir?
75 years of valor?
Sir, it's all in
here in the history.
It was all right.
You see, they recaptured
Colonel Otis in Nicaragua.
He was brought back and hanged.
It's all in the book.
It does, huh?
But I've got generals
and senators coming!
This-this-this is no centennial!
Why, why, why, it's a
parade of corruption!
Sir, if you'll excuse me,
don't mention the word
corruption in the same breath
that you mention Major
"Iron Mike" Grundy.
Major who?
The great hero of the
Spanish-American War.
The man who
single-handedly broke up
the Spanish espionage ring.
"Iron Mike" Grundy.
"Iron Mike" Grundy?
- Major Grundy, sir...
- Oh...
who broke the Spanish
espionage system.
He did, didn't he?
Yes, yes, he certainly did.
I am Truth.
Too long have my
lips been sealed.
It is the Spanish-American War.
We are in the headquarters
of Major "Iron Mike" Grundy,
Chief of Intelligence.
I'm telling you, Major Grundy,
every top secret in the
Army somehow leaks out.
We gotta do something, sir.
The enemy knows every
plan as soon as we do.
You've got the best brain
in the Army, Major Grundy.
You're the only man
can do anything about it.
And I have!
What is it?
Well, men, it's no secret
that our best plans have
been divulged by young officers,
full of emotion, who have
been unfortunate enough
to fall under the lure of
Spain's top spy, Mata Lopez.
What are you gonna do?
Do? Nothing.
- Nothing?!
- Nothing?!
Yes, nothing, men.
I have arranged for every
plan, every regimental move,
every gun replacement has
to come directly through me.
This, gentleman, is the bait
that will lure Mata Lopez to me.
And when she comes
to me, she is finished!
Major, that's, that's brilliant!
If I may say so, sir, when they
call you "Iron Mike" Grundy,
it was not an understatement.
You are a jovial
one, Lieutenant.
You are that, you know.
I beg your pardon, Major Grundy.
Yes, miss?
Uh, the Red Cross.
Coffee and doughnuts?
That's very nice of you, miss.
Now, you men get me
the new photographs
of the new replacements
on the double.
- There's a good chap.
- Yes, sir! -Yes, sir!
Here, here!
One lump or two?
What did you say, my dear?
One lump or two?
Black.
Black?
Yes, black.
Black as the heart
that's in you, Mata Lopez!
I told them in Madrid
it was too much to ask
to try to fool "Iron
Mike" Grundy.
Yes, you wench.
Up till now, you've been
trading kisses for secrets,
but now, Mata Lopez,
you are finished!
But I'm too young to die, Major.
Please, your wiles
may work on other men,
but my lips are sealed!
And such pretty lips.
Oh, this poppyronk will
get you nowhere because I...
Three ships are leaving
Charleston on the 24th.
There's a lot of men on them.
Here's the gun replacements.
The regiment! The regiment!
There are 18 regiments.
I'll give you the
code for them later.
And I love you, too!
Oh, please, Major!
No, no, I have more photographs.
Please, Major!
Where the carrier
pigeons are stowed.
Oh, I love you.
Let me go! Let me go, please!
No, I want you! I
got photographs!
Help! Help! Help!
I want you!
Stop! Stop!
Let me go! I want
to go back to Madrid!
I'll go to Madrid with you!
I have so much to see!
- Pictures...
- Stop! Stop it! Stop it!
Please, sir, the best part.
Don't ever interrupt, sir.
I want you.
Stop this! Stop it, please!
Stop this scene!
What's wrong, sir?
You can't finish this scene.
It will be the finish of me!
Why? It worked out fine, sir.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Go! Yeah, man, be cool, cool!
Yeah! One more time!
All right, all right,
Sowici, are you in or not?
- All right, I'm in.
- Okay.
Attention!
Sergeant Bilko?
Yes, sir?
I'm Lieutenant Kissel,
your new Special
Service officer.
How do you do, sir?
I was on my way to
report to your office,
but I've been very busy, sir.
Well, you're gonna be busier.
- Give me those cards.
- Yes, sir.
Now I want you to
get these men together
for my new clay modeling class,
dramatic group, poetry
circle, modern ballet...
Please, sir, do you
mind if I interrupt?
Why don't we just get
to the centennial, sir?
Centennial?
Yes... sir, did you know
that Fort Baxter is a
hundred years old this month?
Well, Centennial? Wonderful.
Tell me more about it.
Oh, sir, we can do...
I have all the data.
- We can have a pageant.
- You do! A pageant!
- Won't you think that'd be swell?
- I think it would be.
I'll bring all the
information to your office.
Well, fine, Sergeant Bilko.
Thank you for
dropping in, Lieutenant.
Two days.
A buck on five days.
What do you want?
- Two each.
- Two each!
Lieutenant Parker was
played by Al Checco.
Paparelli by Billy Sands.
Kadowski was
played by Karl Lukas.
a little higher.
A little higher.
Higher?
No, no, no.
Didn't the Special
Service officer before me
give you men any
classes in art composition?
Art what?
Never mind. I'll finish it.
Corporal, when are your
modern dance classes?
Modern dance?
No modern dance.
I've been transferred
to a desert...
An intellectual desert.
But what an opportunity.
Ah, Lieutenant Parker.
Colonel Hall.
Welcome to Fort Baxter.
We haven't had a
Special Service officer here
since Lieutenant Zimmer left.
I was wondering if you
ever had one here, sir.
I noticed by the
records that you've
virtually no outside
organized activity for the men.
No drama workshop,
no art classes.
Lieutenant, this is
a service installation
with a permanent party
of regular old Army men.
I'm afraid they're
not interested in...
I know what the
men are interested in.
It can be boiled down
to one word... poker.
Well, there might
be a little, uh...
Yeah, usually under the
leadership of one sharpster
who organizes the
game and takes his cut.
Oh, then you've
met Sergeant Bilko.
Bilko.
I see you, Sowici.
What do you got?
Aces.
I got kings... three of them.
You know, I don't know,
I-I don't know why I even
bother to pick up my pay.
Why don't you
do it for me, Bilko,
and cut out the middle man?
All right, all right,
Sowici, stop beefing.
You're just running
into an unlucky streak.
It's in its 24th year.
You in or out?
All right, I'm in.
There's nothing else
to do around here.
There'll be a great deal to
do around here from now on.
- Attention!
- As you were.
I'm Lieutenant Parker, your
new Special Service officer.
How do you do,
sir? Sergeant Bilko.
Get a chair for the lieutenant.
It's a quarter limit.
You want to sit in, Lieutenant?
Sergeant Bilko, I understand
you're my assistant.
Yes, sir. I meant to drop
over and give you your orders...
tell you about the
activities of the day,
but this has been a very
busy night for me, so...
What with the football
pool, the pool contest,
the bed making rules.
I only got two hands, sir.
Sergeant, Sergeant,
did you realize
that there is supposed to be
no poker playing on the post?
No poker?
Why, are we at war?
That depends on you men.
Now, uh, I hope to see you all
at the modern art
class tomorrow night.
Modern art class?
Yes. May I have the cards?
Yes, sir.
Thank you.
Good evening.
Nice fella.
We're gonna miss
him around here.
Oh, did you get that?
Modern art class.
He's gonna need volunteers, huh?
I give him two weeks
before he asks for a transfer.
I give him ten days.
Lieutenant Zimmer
lasted a month.
Lieutenant Zimmer
had nerves of steel.
I bet he lasts two weeks.
- Five days.
- Five days?
- Five days.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Let's do it right...
We'll make a pool.
A buck a throw.
What day do you pick?
- 12 days.
- 12 days.
- Take-take those.
- Five days.
Five days. How
many days you want?
Attention!
Sergeant Bilko, I forgot to
mention that Mrs. Grimby
of the Roseville High
School art department
will be here tomorrow
night to start the art classes.
Yes, sir.
I want you to take
down the names
of all the men
who wish to enroll.
Very good, sir.
Oh, and, uh, Sergeant,
here is one dollar.
A dollar?
I want to enter your pool on
how long I'm going to stay here.
Oh, sir, we were only
kidding about that.
Just joking...
Well, I don't know
when I'm going to leave,
but when I do, you men will be
painting, dancing,
acting and singing.
And I'll be a captain.
As you were.
- He's gonna be rough, Sarge.
- What are you gonna do?
All right, you heard
what the lieutenant said.
As you were.
Now where were we? Who's in?
Art class meets tonight.
Hey, Sarge, look
at me... I'm a painter.
All right, all right, all
right, come on, fellas.
It's five minutes to 8:00.
We've got to make this official.
After all, I am Lieutenant
Parker's assistant.
True.
All you men who want to
volunteer for the art class,
please raise your hands.
A little higher, please.
Good boys. I'm proud of you.
It's the Bilko boycott.
Look, all you guys
who got him in the pool
to quit under three days,
looks like you got a winner.
Attention!
- Sir.
- Well... Well, Bilko?
Sir. I want you men to
volunteer for these art classes.
Come on, fellas, cooperate.
Maybe there's a
Picasso among you.
Please, fellas... Not
one volunteer, sir.
You'd think they'd
want a little culture...
- What's wrong, sir?
- Well, I'm counting the men.
I want to... I'm not sure
there'll be enough room
in the art class.
Enough room? Sir,
you don't understand.
There hasn't been one volunteer.
Didn't I make
it... He thought...
There's not a volunteer
in the entire battalion.
There's not one
man who... ooh, ooh.
Are you Lieutenant Parker?
Oh, Miss Doozer.
You shouldn't have come in here.
The art class is in
the recreation hall.
Miss Doozer is the
model we're using.
The model?
I just wanted to know
if there was someplace
where I could leave my clothes.
Clothes?
Well, we've, uh, we've made...
We've made accommodations
for you in the rec hall.
The rec hall?
Yes, the recreation hall.
Will-will one of you fellas
who are in the course
show Miss Doozer the way?
I got a shortcut. Wait for me.
Just as I thought... There
may not be enough room.
Where, where, where, where,
where, where you going?
Sarge-Sarge, if it
was anything else.
You saw her, Sarge.
Don't you see what he did.
He arranged the whole thing.
Sarge, there might
not be enough room!
Listen to me, that's all a plan.
Will you come...
It's all arranged,
where she says, "Where
can I leave my cloth..."
Wait for me!
While Miss Doozer is changing,
I would like to say a few words.
While the human body in art,
as in life, seems very uniform...
We all have two arms
and two legs and so forth...
There are many variations.
Men.
Just as no two faces are alike,
or we would all look the same...
Men.
Eyes right.
No two bodies are alike.
Men.
In painting the human
body, proportion is everything.
Keep that always in
your mind... Proportion.
Men.
I like to start my classes
with the human body.
Ready, Miss Doozer?
Just one second.
I know, it's exciting.
Your first art class
at Fort Baxter,
and that's why...
Ah, here she is.
This is Miss Doozer.
Are they kidding?
For our first picture, I have
selected a winter scene.
- Why you...!
- Sit down.
Now, now, now.
This is murder.
Sarge, think of something fast.
He's killing us, Sarge.
I know, I'm thinking, I'm
thinking all the time, fellas.
Gosh, three weeks of
painting, dancing, singing.
Are we ever gonna have fun again
just playing cards?
We will, men. I have
made my decision.
What is it?
We're gonna have a centennial.
Fort Baxter is
suddenly 100 years old.
But you did that
once already, Ernie.
That's when Lieutenant
Zimmer had himself transferred.
I know, we still have
that unpublished history...
You know, the one we
found in the old storage shed.
The only history ever
attempted about Fort Baxter.
Yeah, but I thought
you promised the colonel
you was gonna burn it.
I did, but "I better
save it," I said to myself,
"in case something
important comes up,"
and, gentlemen, this is it.
A centennial.
What-what did you say, sir?
A centennial!
Heavens, sir, how do you
ever think of all these things?
- A centennial... parades...
- Parades!
- Drills...
- Wonderful.
- Marches...
- Visiting generals.
- Senators...
- Newsreels.
Movie stars.
Why we could
have a pageant, sir.
A pageant!
You've thought of it again, sir.
Those long lost
heroes at Fort Baxter.
Bilko, this is it!
Sir, I've done some
research on that subject.
Bilko, it's in your hands.
You stage that pageant.
I'll get the publicity rolling.
A centennial... why it's
the best idea I ever had.
Wonderful, sir.
What was that he said?
Oh, sir, I got to get
to clay modeling.
They've all got sticky fingers.
- I'll be...
- Bilko, come back.
- Yes, sir?
- Come back here.
Did he say centennial?
I didn't hear what he
said, sir. I was so busy...
Did he say centennial?
Well, sir, I think he did.
I thought you burned that book.
Sir, it's a real true
history of the post, sir.
It's history that
has been forgotten.
Let's leave it that way.
Bilko, shame on you.
I know the lieutenant has
been a little hard on you fellas
with this culture drive of his,
but I thought you could take it,
without resorting to
something like this.
Why you start on
that centennial routine,
he won't last a week.
Oh, Sergeant, I want to see you
just about one thing right away.
Lieutenant Parker, now
about that centennial...
Really, Bilko, it was
supposed to be a surprise.
It's no surprise.
If you'll step into the
privacy of my office,
I'd like to discuss with you
something about the
history of Fort Baxter.
Oh, well, Colonel,
Sergeant Bilko is handling
all the research, and
I'm doing the producing.
So there really isn't
very much open for you.
Open for me? Why, I...
You won't have any time, anyway.
Tonight, the officer's
square dance meeting
is being held at your home.
Square dancing?!
This is my bridge night.
And tomorrow night,
the poetry club meets.
Well, then I'm having
people over for canasta.
I've discussed
it with your wife,
and she agrees with me that
Friday night is the best night
for the mandolin club to meet.
Friday night, that's
my pinochle night.
Colonel Hall, I'm afraid
there'll be little time
for card playing as
long as I'm on the post.
As long as he's
on the post, sir.
As long as he's on the post.
Uh, excuse me, sir.
You were saying something
about the centennial?
Nothing, nothing.
Go right ahead.
Good, good.
Sergeant, you get
on that pageant.
Order costumes,
scenery, everything.
- I'll get on the publicity.
- Right, sir.
- Bilko...
- Sir?
You're an conniver, a
sharpster and an operator.
And sometimes you're
almost a blessing.
Thank you, sir.
I got to get ready
with the pageant.
"A Hundred Years of Valor."
Oh. Sorry.
Mm-hmm.
That's the general
idea, Fleischman.
But may I ask why you're
trying to hide my name?
Uh, but, sir...
This poster's going up
all over the countryside.
I'm sending copies
of it to Washington.
I don't want them to
use a magnifying glass
to find out who it was that
was responsible for all of this.
Now use your head,
Fleischman, and do it over.
Yes, sir.
Oh, Harrison, I want you
to make arrangements
for Senator McTige
and his party.
- Yes, sir.
- Oh, uh...
Lieutenant, Sergeant Bilko
says the first act is ready.
Oh, good, good, good.
- I'll be right there.
- Yes, sir.
Hold it, Private
Hankel. That's all right.
But play "a cappello,"
you understand?
Like I rehearsed you.
Now, look, in the battle
scenes, I want a lot of excitement.
But play with the
fingers, not with the fists,
you understand?
Fleischman, on those
spotlights, this is a pageant...
It isn't the opening
of a supermarket.
Keep 'em in one
spot, you understand?
Hey, Sarge, Sarge.
What now?
How come Kadowski
is an Indian chief
and he's only a private.
It don't make sense.
Don't make sense.
Just do as you're told.
Back, come on, come on, come on.
And you stagehands, listen,
move the scenery, don't
throw it at each other, will ya?
- Sarge! Hey, Sarge!
- What now?
Oh... What? What?
Sarge, Paparelli says
that he's Dolly Madison.
Now, look, Fender,
you are Dolly Madison.
- I told him that.
- All right.
Now, listen, we're moving...
Horowitz, Horowitz, let
me hear those tom-toms.
Horowitz, let me
hear the tom-toms!
All right, cut it.
All right, cut it!
Now, watch your cues, all right?
Lieutenant, we're just
about ready to start, sir.
Splendid, splendid.
Bilko, this is going to
put a feather in our caps.
- Go right ahead.
- All right, sir.
All right, men, this is
it... Dress rehearsal.
Everybody in their places.
Watch it now.
Lights, music.
I am the voice of Fort Baxter.
Today, I am 100 years old.
You're sure good-lookin', buddy.
Come with me as we leap
through the pages of the history
of our glorious post.
Let truth prevail.
I am Truth.
Too long have my lips been
sealed... about Fort Baxter.
Let us meet our first hero...
General "Indian Bill" Baxter
and pull aside
the curtain of time.
And pull aside
the curtain of time.
General Baxter,
we haven't a chance!
General, we're
hopelessly outnumbered!
We'll have to surrender.
Surrender never!
We ain't gonna
surrender till we find out
who's been selling
them Injuns that whiskey!
General, it's hopeless.
Let me think.
Oh, the sound of those
tom-toms are driving me mad.
The sound of those
tom-toms are driving me mad!
Day in, day out they haunt
my brain, those tom-toms.
Always those tom-toms.
Thank heavens they've stopped.
Now you men go...
Thank heavens they've stopped.
You men go... They
stopped, thank heavens!
They've stopped, the tom-toms!
Now, men, you all go
out there and find out
and capture me
that Indian chief...
But, General, but, General,
it's suicide to leave the post!
We'll be cut down.
General, look at us.
We are in no condition to fight.
Just a minute.
Fi-de-lee-di.
Are these my brave
Indian fighters talking?
Are you gonna let a broken arm
and some poison
arrow wounds stop you
from bringing in that
Injun chief Tall Feather
who's probably been...
Go, men, go like the
brave heroes you are!
And how my heart aches to
think that I can't go with y'all.
General, you ain't coming along?
My sinuses...
Sinus giving you a lot
of trouble, huh, General?
General... What is this?!
It's Corporal Jonathan.
They got him!
A brave man, Corporal.
General, pull out the arrow.
This is a brave man.
I'm gonna give this man some
medals before this day is over.
General, just
pull out the arrow.
Hold on. Your brave...
Corporal, don't drip the
blood all over the table, please.
Hold on! Here's a message.
General, pull out the arrow.
Hang on, Corporal, hang on.
The message says, "Indian Bill,
"if you want us,
you come get us.
Chief Tall Feather."
Men, you gonna let that
filthy redskin talk this way
to your commanding officer?!
No!
General, pull out the arrow.
Go bring me back, and go!
Now I'll find out,
once and for all,
who's been selling those
Injuns that, that whiskey.
General, pull out the arrow.
Oh, yes, I almost forgot.
Ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
I got a sliver in my finger!
Go run to the infirmary,
get me a bandage.
General, I'll never make it.
See how far you can get.
Stop, stop, stop!
Bilko, is this one of
our heroes with a sliver?
Sir, you don't understand.
This was one of his tricks.
General Baxter was very crafty.
He let the Indians
think he was wounded.
They got careless, got drunk,
and they were all captured.
Oh, it's a very
good touch. Go on.
There's more to this, sir.
Ah, here come the men now!
General, we lost
most of the men, but...
We got 'em, Chief!
General, pull out the...
Brave men, brave men,
but they shall not die in vain.
Now I will find out
who's been selling you
Indians that whiskey.
Tell me!
You'll talk, you
filthy redskins!
Who's been selling
you that whiskey?!
It doesn't matter,
'cause from now on, you're
buying the whiskey from me.
I got some new
bourbon in from...
Stop, stop, stop!
What's wrong, sir?
Bilko, are you crazy?
Showing the first commanding
officer at Fort Baxter
selling liquor to the Indians!
Sir, it's all here
in the history.
I don't...
It all happened. You see, he
was dishonorably discharged,
and they sentenced him
to 30 years in federal prison.
I don't care,
Bilko, I don't care!
Is this the centennial?
100 years of valor?
I'll be the laughingstock
of the Pentagon!
Sir, it just builds
up the next episode
about the Civil War.
You know, it involved
Honest Colonel John Otis,
the hero of the Civil War?
Honest John.
Oh, he did one of the most
tremendous feats of all time.
This man let friendship nor
love stand in his way of duty!
Oh, that's more
like it now, Bilko.
Much more like it.
You better start the
pageant from there.
All right, sir, I'll
make a few changes
and start it from there.
Lucky I caught it in
time. It was a close shave.
Well, looks like he's
weakening, huh?
General, pull out the arrow.
Oh, shut up.
Listen, get out of
these costumes.
New rehearsal start.
Get everybody...
Yes, yes, I know, sir.
It's, it's very bad.
Very, very, bad, but the
centennial is still on, sir.
It's just that we needed
a slight postponement.
A little rewriting.
I am Truth.
Too long have my
lips been sealed.
Let us meet Fort
Baxter's great hero,
Colonel "Honest John" Otis
in that great moment
during the Civil War
that made him famous.
Gentlemen...
the court-martial has
reached its decision.
General Otis, Major
Barton is your best friend!
You were at West Point together.
And yet you're condemning him...
To death, yes!
Bring in the prisoner.
Gentlemen, you think this was
an easy decision for me to reach?
Henry!
John!
Major Barton, you have
been found guilty of treason!
But I'm innocent!
I never saw that piece
of paper! Have pity!
Then how do you account for
your name being on this document
signed by Jefferson Davis,
Confederate president!
Stop! Stop!
My husband is innocent!
He's innocent!
Madam, I'm sorry, but
he has been found guilty.
You think this was an easy
decision for me to make,
sending my best
friend to be hanged?
John!
You have been found guilty!
The court-martial is over!
Please, have mercy!
You've known him all your life!
Take the prisoner away.
John!
John, please, please?!
Not that! Please!
Sometimes the call of
duty is more important
than anything that
love or friendship...
John, he's your best friend!
They've gone.
Darling!
At last, we've
gotten rid of him!
Rid of him at last!
Your idea of planting that
paper on him was perfect!
Now, wait, we have a
more important decision.
You got to rush this letter
to General Robert E. Lee.
Robert E. Lee?!
In there, in there
is the information
that I'm gonna sell him
every gun on this entire fort.
We'll make a fortune!
And then it's off,
off to South America!
Alone at last, darling!
I love you.
The moment I saw
you, I loved you.
Stop this! Stop this! Stop this!
There's more to this, sir.
The best part is coming.
Are you out of your mind?!
What's wrong, sir?
75 years of valor?
Sir, it's all in
here in the history.
It was all right.
You see, they recaptured
Colonel Otis in Nicaragua.
He was brought back and hanged.
It's all in the book.
It does, huh?
But I've got generals
and senators coming!
This-this-this is no centennial!
Why, why, why, it's a
parade of corruption!
Sir, if you'll excuse me,
don't mention the word
corruption in the same breath
that you mention Major
"Iron Mike" Grundy.
Major who?
The great hero of the
Spanish-American War.
The man who
single-handedly broke up
the Spanish espionage ring.
"Iron Mike" Grundy.
"Iron Mike" Grundy?
- Major Grundy, sir...
- Oh...
who broke the Spanish
espionage system.
He did, didn't he?
Yes, yes, he certainly did.
I am Truth.
Too long have my
lips been sealed.
It is the Spanish-American War.
We are in the headquarters
of Major "Iron Mike" Grundy,
Chief of Intelligence.
I'm telling you, Major Grundy,
every top secret in the
Army somehow leaks out.
We gotta do something, sir.
The enemy knows every
plan as soon as we do.
You've got the best brain
in the Army, Major Grundy.
You're the only man
can do anything about it.
And I have!
What is it?
Well, men, it's no secret
that our best plans have
been divulged by young officers,
full of emotion, who have
been unfortunate enough
to fall under the lure of
Spain's top spy, Mata Lopez.
What are you gonna do?
Do? Nothing.
- Nothing?!
- Nothing?!
Yes, nothing, men.
I have arranged for every
plan, every regimental move,
every gun replacement has
to come directly through me.
This, gentleman, is the bait
that will lure Mata Lopez to me.
And when she comes
to me, she is finished!
Major, that's, that's brilliant!
If I may say so, sir, when they
call you "Iron Mike" Grundy,
it was not an understatement.
You are a jovial
one, Lieutenant.
You are that, you know.
I beg your pardon, Major Grundy.
Yes, miss?
Uh, the Red Cross.
Coffee and doughnuts?
That's very nice of you, miss.
Now, you men get me
the new photographs
of the new replacements
on the double.
- There's a good chap.
- Yes, sir! -Yes, sir!
Here, here!
One lump or two?
What did you say, my dear?
One lump or two?
Black.
Black?
Yes, black.
Black as the heart
that's in you, Mata Lopez!
I told them in Madrid
it was too much to ask
to try to fool "Iron
Mike" Grundy.
Yes, you wench.
Up till now, you've been
trading kisses for secrets,
but now, Mata Lopez,
you are finished!
But I'm too young to die, Major.
Please, your wiles
may work on other men,
but my lips are sealed!
And such pretty lips.
Oh, this poppyronk will
get you nowhere because I...
Three ships are leaving
Charleston on the 24th.
There's a lot of men on them.
Here's the gun replacements.
The regiment! The regiment!
There are 18 regiments.
I'll give you the
code for them later.
And I love you, too!
Oh, please, Major!
No, no, I have more photographs.
Please, Major!
Where the carrier
pigeons are stowed.
Oh, I love you.
Let me go! Let me go, please!
No, I want you! I
got photographs!
Help! Help! Help!
I want you!
Stop! Stop!
Let me go! I want
to go back to Madrid!
I'll go to Madrid with you!
I have so much to see!
- Pictures...
- Stop! Stop it! Stop it!
Please, sir, the best part.
Don't ever interrupt, sir.
I want you.
Stop this! Stop it, please!
Stop this scene!
What's wrong, sir?
You can't finish this scene.
It will be the finish of me!
Why? It worked out fine, sir.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Go! Yeah, man, be cool, cool!
Yeah! One more time!
All right, all right,
Sowici, are you in or not?
- All right, I'm in.
- Okay.
Attention!
Sergeant Bilko?
Yes, sir?
I'm Lieutenant Kissel,
your new Special
Service officer.
How do you do, sir?
I was on my way to
report to your office,
but I've been very busy, sir.
Well, you're gonna be busier.
- Give me those cards.
- Yes, sir.
Now I want you to
get these men together
for my new clay modeling class,
dramatic group, poetry
circle, modern ballet...
Please, sir, do you
mind if I interrupt?
Why don't we just get
to the centennial, sir?
Centennial?
Yes... sir, did you know
that Fort Baxter is a
hundred years old this month?
Well, Centennial? Wonderful.
Tell me more about it.
Oh, sir, we can do...
I have all the data.
- We can have a pageant.
- You do! A pageant!
- Won't you think that'd be swell?
- I think it would be.
I'll bring all the
information to your office.
Well, fine, Sergeant Bilko.
Thank you for
dropping in, Lieutenant.
Two days.
A buck on five days.
What do you want?
- Two each.
- Two each!
Lieutenant Parker was
played by Al Checco.
Paparelli by Billy Sands.
Kadowski was
played by Karl Lukas.