The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 1, Episode 1 - New Recruits - full transcript
Bilko needs a new bankroll for tomorrow night's poker game, so he looks to his new recruits for quick cash.
All right. Rise and shine.
Come on. Let's go. Let's go.
Sit up and hit
the deck! Let's go!
All right, all right.
A hundred million
women in the world...
I had a dream about my brother.
You're lucky. I had a
dream about my wife.
Hey, Benjy, I wanna talk to
you about that thing down there...
Why don't you give
her another chance?
Maybe she still loves you.
- Just a three-day pass.
- I know.
So, he says to me, "How come?
24 years in the Army,
you're still a private."
And I told him, "It ain't easy."
Hey, Mullen, I still
got a couple of tickets
to the jousting
contest Bilko's running.
It oughta be fun.
What do you want, blood?
- Hey, Mullen!
- Yeah.
Mullen, I got you
down for the paint job.
Big deal.
Hey, listen, Mullen, Bilko got a
new line of platoon stationery.
Very nice. Only
two dollars a box.
Please.
All right, simmer down.
Special detail.
The following men step forward:
Doberman, Paparelli,
Van Dyke, Gomez.
You men report to
Mess Sergeant Sowici
at 0900 for KP. That's all.
Sick call!
Formation! Tell Sergeant Bilko
- the men are ready for roll call.
- Right.
- All right, look alive.
- I'm looking alive. What...?
Sergeant Bilko? Sergeant Bilko?
What is it? What? What?
What? What? What?
The men are ready for roll call.
Good boy. Take care of it.
Oh, but Sarge... Sarge, the
men ain't seen you in two days.
- It would be a might...
- All right. All right!
I'll take care of it. Relax.
You'll have to excuse
me, gentlemen. Duty calls.
Look, Bilko, if you're
broke, let's break it up.
Here, here.
Take it easy. I'll be right back
with a fresh bankroll. Relax.
- Roll call!
- Roll call.
Look alive. Fresh and early.
Bright eyes.
All right.
"B" Company, Third
Platoon, roll call... here we go.
- Anderson, Doberman, - Here!
- Here!
- Flipowicz, - Right here.
Gander, Goldberg, -
Harrigan, Jones,
Kadowski, McPherson...
Paparelli, Rubicheck, Salinka!
Yo-ho!
All present and accounted for.
How's your game going in there?
Hey, you got them
pigeons cleaned out yet?
You got ten dollars?
Ten bucks? What
happened to the $250?
Would you like me to
stand here on Army time
and explain it in front
of the whole platoon?
All right, men,
here it is again.
Another complaint.
Lieutenant Bigelow reports
that he saw one of our trucks
from the motor pool at the
drive-in theater last night.
Fortunately, I was able
to prove by the records
it was no man from this platoon.
Kadowski!
Next time, don't leave your
dog tags on the front seat.
Thanks, Sarge.
Now, come on, men.
Let's make this the
last complaint we get.
They've been watching
this platoon like hawks
since last summer...
when that tank showed
up on the beach.
Sun worshipper.
Now, men, I told you
this a hundred times.
If you need transportation,
my own car is at your disposal.
It's only ten cents a mile.
The weekly rates are
up on the bulletin board.
And you can see Corporal
Barbella about the group plan.
Ten dollars.
I need ten dollars to
keep that game alive.
We gave you every last cent.
Where we going to get ten bucks?
You must have...
Don't go anywhere.
Wait a minute.
Did you sell any
football tickets?
Hey, Bilko, how 'bout it?
Go in there and stall them off.
How about the football pool?
The bed-making contest?
They ain't springing
for nothing lately.
Got to think of
everything myself, huh?
Men...
it's been some time
since we've had a little talk.
Freeze. Freeze, you commandos.
Men...
when the United States Army
put these stripes on my sleeves,
they also put something
on my shoulders.
Responsibility.
And what has been my
biggest responsibility?
Your morale.
That's the one thing I
think of day in, day out.
Your morale!
Now, I must have told
you this a thousand times.
Suppose you tell it to me once.
What do I want
to make this outfit?
The happiest
platoon on the post.
Right.
The happiest
platoon on the post.
But men, I can't
do it by myself.
I want to see my boys have fun.
Fun!
What good is it
if you don't join
in any of these
fun-making activities?
You won't buy tickets to the
football pool, you won't join
- any of these fundraising activities.
- Hey, Sarge?
- Sarge.
- I rack my brain.
- Sarge! Sar...
- I... What?! What?! What?!
They're breaking up the game.
I can't stall them any longer.
Ciao.
Hey, where you going, fellas?
This is only the
shank of the morning.
Hey. Surely, my credit is good.
Credit?
Sergeant Bilko,
you said a dirty word.
How about it, Sowici?
A little two-handed anything?
It's all over, Bilko.
The big operator of the
post finally got himself taken.
Yeah, well, don't
bruise that bankroll.
I'll get it back Saturday night.
Saturday night. Where
you going to get a bankroll
to get into the game
Saturday night?
Your luck's changed, Bilko.
It's all over.
See us when you
get another bankroll.
Bilko lost?
Now he'll be on the
prowl for another bankroll.
He's in trouble.
If Bilko needs money,
we're in trouble.
You said it.
Ah, just the...
I tawt I taw a puddy tat.
I've seen outfits
move fast in my life...
That's the fastest I've
ever seen these fellas...
Well, now, here's
a gay little group.
Mind if I open my
veins and join you?
250 clams.
And a hundred of
it was my money.
- Hi, Chaplain.
- Hi, Padre.
Hiya, Padre.
What brings you here?
Nothing much.
I just wanted to
verify something
I never thought I'd live to see.
You lost in a card game?
Card game?
But Padre, you
know I don't allow
no games of chance
in my barracks.
Police the area.
Bilko, you're a gambler,
a sharpster, a promoter.
You're everything I'm here
to prevent soldiers
from becoming.
Tell me, why do I like you?
I don't know.
I do have a nice personality.
I don't know why I
worry about your soul.
You'll probably talk
your way into Heaven.
Bilko, why don't
you forget about it?
Forget about what?
You know what. I mean
this constant gambling
between you and the other
top kicks of the permanent party.
Oh, Padre, you don't understand.
I got a reputation to uphold.
Those meatballs...
Just because they
got a little lucky,
now they think they're
smarter than I am.
Maybe they are.
What do you mean?
Where were you sitting
during the late, lamented game?
Right here. My lucky chair.
Lucky... I see.
Where's your mirror?
My mirror?
Right over there on the
wall, where it always is.
Why? You want to
shave or something?
You're welcome to it.
I... who moved my mirror?
Rocco, did you move my...? Oh.
There it is. That's funny.
You know how it is, Padre.
You get used to a
mirror in one place,
some joker on a neat
kick, you know? He reach...
I...
Rocco! Sit here.
Look at your hold card.
Ten of diamonds, right?
Gee, that's terrific.
Terrific? Did you
see what happened?
Don't you see what happened?
I've been taken.
Those dirty... Don't
you see what they did?
Those dirty,
miserable... rascals.
Don't you see what happened?
They set it up for me.
Don't think they
get aw... Oh, those...
They're mean fellas,
chaplain... mean.
I can see you're taking
this pretty seriously.
The training report, sir.
Oh, thanks, Hogan.
Now, Tom, if you can show me
how relieving Bilko of
that motor pool platoon
is going to cut
down the gambling
over at the permanent
party quarters,
I'll go along with it.
But Bilko is the best motor
pool NCO I've ever had.
That's just it.
He's got it running so smoothly,
there's nothing for him to do
but to think up little
rackets, play poker.
- What are you dri...?
- Give him something new.
Something that
will challenge him.
What are you driving at, Tom?
Colonel, give Bilko
a basic training unit.
Bilko?
With those young,
innocent recruits?
Ah, for a minute, I
thought you were serious.
I am.
I know you're shorthanded
on your training schedule.
And here's Bilko, a good
sergeant with a great
- record, wasting...
- Not a chance.
Tom, we reorganized the
entire layout of the post.
We moved buildings,
blocked off streets,
so that no rookie...
Even by accident...
Could ever get near Bilko.
Colonel, I've got a hunch.
So long, Billy. Be a good boy.
Take care of yourself, Willis...
Bye.
Bye, Tony. Say hello to Millie.
Hey, you. I'll miss you.
Take care of yourself, hear?
I don't get it. I
don't get it at all.
Why? Why are they
transferring my platoon, my boys,
the guys I grew to love?
Especially today...
Saturday... When they get paid.
Hey. Did you find out anything?
No, nothing.
Gee, it's hot.
Thanks a lot. I send
him out for information,
he comes in with
a weather report.
Well, there goes our last chance
to get a bankroll
for tonight's game.
I don't get it. I...
Empty barracks. Empty bunks.
It's an empty world, men.
♪ We're in the Army now ♪
♪ We're not behind the plow ♪
♪ We'll never get rich
by digging a ditch ♪
- ♪ We're in the Army now ♪
- Hut, two, three, four!
- Hut, two, three, four!
- ♪ We're in the Army now ♪
- Hut, two, three, four!
- ♪ We're not behind the plow ♪
Hut, two...
♪ We'll never get rich
by digging a ditch ♪
- Hut, two, three, four! ♪
We're in the Army now ♪
All right, men.
Sing it out, now!
Once more!
- ♪ We're in the Army now ♪
- Hut, two, three, four!
- ♪ We're not behind the plow ♪
- Hut, two, three, four!
- ♪ We'll never get rich by
digging a ditch ♪ -Hut, two...
- Hut, two, three, four!
- ♪ We're in the Army now. ♪
Company, halt!
Are you Sergeant Bilko, sir?
Yes, I'm Sergeant Bilko.
What are you, the Scout master?
My name is Higgins, sir.
At the induction center,
when they found out I'd
been to a military academy,
they made me acting
PFC in charge of this squad
until we got here
for our basic training.
- Basic training?
- Yes, sir.
- Sergeant Bilko. -Ten-hut!
- Attention!
This is your new
assignment, Bilko.
See that they get the
required basic training courses.
That's all.
Thank you, sir.
Only the one he's talking to.
My new squad.
New blood.
At ease, men.
Welcome to the
United States Army.
Friends, when the
United States Army
put these stripes on my sleeve,
they also put something on...
Say, I understand
you boys don't get
paid for the first 30 days.
Now, if you're
a little short, I...
Oh, no, Sergeant. We
brought money from home.
Money from home.
Money from home!
Oh, what pleasant
memories those words invoke.
Mom's apple pie.
Washing the car on Sunday.
Gets you right in
here, don't it, pal?
But friends, the
Army, too, can be fun.
For instance, this weekend,
I want to see you all
at the Welcome Rookies Dance.
Corporal Barbella
- will have the tickets.
- Uh, sir...?
- I always say a little fun...
- Uh, sir?
- With a little hard work...
- Sergeant Bilko?
- You can't...
- Sergeant, Sergeant?
Uh, well, doesn't The
Soldier's Guidebook state
that the first weekend should
be spent reviewing the things
we learned during the week?
Good boy.
Yes, sir, men.
Every night when you
return from that drill field,
I'll be here to relax you.
Take the tension away from
you with a little game of chance.
Nothing too expensive.
Little lotto, little bingo.
And for you older men,
perhaps a little gin rummy.
What about that?!
- Heh?
- Sir...
- Are we gonna have fun?
- Sergeant?
- You listen to me.
- Sergeant Bilko...
- Because your welfare is...
- But Sergeant, Sergeant,
what about our personal health
and character guidance lectures?
Aren't we supposed
to have those at night?
Good boy.
Yes, friends, you call on your
sergeant for anything you want.
My door is open.
You ever need any
souvenirs, slight extra charge.
Chewing gum, cigarettes.
- But Sergeant...
- Any little knickknacks you need.
- Sergeant Bilko?! But, Sarge...
- You can... Aw, shut up!
- Razor blades, little postcards.
- But...
- Sergeant Bilko.
- Anything...
Sergeant, Sergeant,
just one thing.
Isn't there a post exchange
where we can buy
those things direct?
Wouldn't you be
happier in the Navy?
I-I'm sorry, sir, but I
just want to make sure
my military career gets
started on the right foot.
You see, after my two years
are up, I plan to stay in the Army.
And you'll make good, too.
As a target.
Yes, men, we're
gonna have fun, fun!
But lest we forget,
there's a military aspect
to this man's Army, too.
For instance... I, personally,
every day, will escort you
out to the drill field
and the rifle range,
short hikes...
Weather permitting.
I'm going to make
this a crackerjack outfit!
I...
I think you're going to be
pleasantly surprised, sir.
I will?
Yes, sir.
You see, at the
induction center,
while waiting for our
assignment, I took the liberty
of putting the men through
a little close order drill
- just to get a head start, you know, sir.
- Yes, yes, yes...
Would you like me to take
them out and drill them now, sir?
Take them out and drill them?
Say, that ought to be fun.
- All right, men!
- What is he doing?!
Straighten that line!
Here, remember what I told you!
Company... Wait, Higgins.
Sergeant Bilko, I don't
want to miss that dance,
so could I reserve some tickets?
- Yeah, and I need stationery, sir.
- You gonna have
- a baseball pool?
- Gonna sell I.D. bracelets?
Please, please, friends.
Everything I promise
you you'll have.
Just give us a chance
to get organized.
Aren't they wonderful?
All right, men!
Hold that. Just a
minute, Higgins.
Corporal Henshaw,
I want you to escort these
men out to the drill field
and stay with them every minute.
In this heat, Sarge?
They ain't gonna get lost.
I'm not worried about
them getting lost.
I don't want nobody
to steal them.
♪ For it's hi! hi! hee!
In the field artillery ♪
♪ Shout out your
numbers loud and strong ♪
♪ Two, three, four! ♪
Sergeant Bilko! Sergeant Bilko!
Coming. I... What are you doing?
What, are you
crazy or something?
No, sir, it's only... it's
only an empty practice rifle.
They're the most dangerous kind.
And I wouldn't want
anything to happen to you.
Sergeant Bilko.
- Yes, son, what is it?
- There's my girl's
picture for the Sweetheart
of the Squad contest
you're running.
Well, we'll put her right
up on a bulletin board.
Of course, you know,
there's a five dollar entry fee
to defray the cost of
- thumbtacks, chalk, -
Oh, I know that, sir. Yeah.
- Little things that we...
- Sarge, hey, Sarge.
- What, what, what?!
- Sarge, the game has started already
in Sowici's Company "B" kitchen.
How about that bankroll?
Coming up.
I'll give you the money, as
soon as we get our first pay.
I'm broke.
Broke?
I thought you guys
brought money from home.
Yeah, that was this morning.
I had $50, but
Higgins has it now.
Higgins?
Yes, sir, he's got
almost all the money
the fellas brought.
I tell you, the minute
I laid eyes on that kid,
I knew he was a born competitor.
Oh, Higgins!
Yes, sir.
Let's have a little chat.
About face!
Hup!
Higgins!
Do you know what
they call a soldier
who squeezes money
out of his comrades?
He's called a vulture.
And there's no room
on this post for another...
For a vulture!
But-But, sir, I'm...
Do you deny you took those
kids for every nickel they got?!
Oh, oh, no, no, no, sir.
You got it all wrong.
I'm just holding
the money for them.
Holding it?
Yes, sir.
You see, we all plan to go on
our first furlough
together on a trip,
and the fellas gave
me their money to hold
so that they didn't
spend it foolishly.
Foolishly, huh?
Higgins, uh, did
anybody on this post
warn you ab... Tell
you... about me?
No, sir.
Just the chaplain.
The chaplain.
That's all. Dismissed.
My friend, the padre,
warning new, innocent soldiers
against their own sergeant.
Well, there goes the bankroll.
And the game
has started already.
Shh!
What is it?
I hear cards being shuffled.
All the way from the
Company "B" kitchen?
I also hear money
being riffled...
Our money...
Crying out into the night,
"Daddy, come take us home."
Now, where is Daddy?
In a barracks, babysitting.
Come in!
Holy smokes.
What is it now, Higgins?
I forget your bedtime story?
Somebody have to be burped?
Well, sir, could I talk
to you for just a minute?
It's-It's a little personal.
All right, fellas, out.
It's buddy-buddy time, huh?
All right, Higgins, come on.
Let's have it. What is it?
Well, sir, y-you
remember the money
I've been holding
for the fellas?
It never left my mind.
Mine neither, sir.
It's just too much
of a responsibility.
Here, Sergeant,
will you hold it for us?
You want me to hold it?
Yes, sir, if you will.
Come on, Higgins,
I'm only flesh and blood.
You hold it.
But Sergeant, The-The
Soldier's Guidebook states
that enlisted men may leave
their valuables
with their sergeant.
You didn't read the footnote
where my name is mentioned.
Sergeant Bilko, please...
It's more money than I
ever had in my whole life.
My gosh, there's over $300 here!
Three hundred and nineteen.
Three hundred and twenty.
Oh, yeah, I didn't get
that wet single in here.
No, no, you better hang onto it.
You heard what the
chaplain said about me.
Yes, sir, that's why I'm here.
Well, the chaplain said, if we
ever needed anybody to turn to,
someone we could trust, we
could always trust Sergeant Bilko.
Trust Sergeant Bilko?
Yes, sir.
The chaplain said that?
Yes, sir.
Look, Higgins,
when he said it...
was he laughing or something?
No.
No, sir, he seemed
quite serious.
Please, Sergeant, hold it, huh?
The chaplain said that?
Yes, sir.
Good night, sir.
N-Night.
Hey, Sarge, what did the kid...
He got it! He got it!
Hey, Sarge, I've
seen you work fast,
but this is the new Army record.
Come on, off to the game!
- Wait a minute...
- Wait a minute, you meatballs!
I'm surprised with you.
As long as you been with me,
you ought to know me better.
These kids gave me
this money to hold.
They trust me with it.
They gave it to you?
Who else would they trust
but their own sergeant?
Boy, do they
need basic training.
Well, maybe we could
use it, just for the game!
I told you, they gave
it to me to hold in trust.
Yeah, but Sarge, the... Out.
- Out. Eh... - But... Out!
♪♪
What's going on?
Just going through
the manual of arms.
If we're gonna
teach it to those kids,
we might as well
know what we're doing.
Just dropped by to
leave the flashlight.
Flashlight?
Yeah, just in case
you change your mind,
it's pitch black between here
and the Company "B" kitchen.
Where the game is going on.
With our money.
I told you I'm holding
that money for the kids.
Out.
Out!
♪♪
- Hey, Sarge!
- I'm not gonna tell you...
We just came back
from watching the game.
There's all the money
in the world there,
just waiting for you.
Sowici just won a $35
pot with a pair of fours.
Out.
I'm not gonna tell you again!
Get out of here!
♪♪
- Heya, kid. Wake up, wake up!
- What? What?
Wha-Wha-What is it,
Sergeant? Night maneuvers?
Night maneuvers? I
just went through those.
Here. Be careful what you
do with other people's money.
Hang onto this.
But Sergeant, we trust you.
Don't press your luck.
Come on.
Get some sleep.
Good night, Sergeant.
Well, what are you two
jokers doing around here?
Good night, Sergeant.
Good night.
- Good night, Sarge.
- Good night.
Well, don't stand around.
You know what to do. Go on.
Well, Padre, what
brings you around here?
Just checking.
Everything okay?
Just wonderful.
It figured.
Good night, Padre.
Good night, Ernest.
Ernest?
♪♪
Higgins was played
by Michael Dreyfuss.
Henshaw portrayed
by Allan Melvin.
Come on. Let's go. Let's go.
Sit up and hit
the deck! Let's go!
All right, all right.
A hundred million
women in the world...
I had a dream about my brother.
You're lucky. I had a
dream about my wife.
Hey, Benjy, I wanna talk to
you about that thing down there...
Why don't you give
her another chance?
Maybe she still loves you.
- Just a three-day pass.
- I know.
So, he says to me, "How come?
24 years in the Army,
you're still a private."
And I told him, "It ain't easy."
Hey, Mullen, I still
got a couple of tickets
to the jousting
contest Bilko's running.
It oughta be fun.
What do you want, blood?
- Hey, Mullen!
- Yeah.
Mullen, I got you
down for the paint job.
Big deal.
Hey, listen, Mullen, Bilko got a
new line of platoon stationery.
Very nice. Only
two dollars a box.
Please.
All right, simmer down.
Special detail.
The following men step forward:
Doberman, Paparelli,
Van Dyke, Gomez.
You men report to
Mess Sergeant Sowici
at 0900 for KP. That's all.
Sick call!
Formation! Tell Sergeant Bilko
- the men are ready for roll call.
- Right.
- All right, look alive.
- I'm looking alive. What...?
Sergeant Bilko? Sergeant Bilko?
What is it? What? What?
What? What? What?
The men are ready for roll call.
Good boy. Take care of it.
Oh, but Sarge... Sarge, the
men ain't seen you in two days.
- It would be a might...
- All right. All right!
I'll take care of it. Relax.
You'll have to excuse
me, gentlemen. Duty calls.
Look, Bilko, if you're
broke, let's break it up.
Here, here.
Take it easy. I'll be right back
with a fresh bankroll. Relax.
- Roll call!
- Roll call.
Look alive. Fresh and early.
Bright eyes.
All right.
"B" Company, Third
Platoon, roll call... here we go.
- Anderson, Doberman, - Here!
- Here!
- Flipowicz, - Right here.
Gander, Goldberg, -
Harrigan, Jones,
Kadowski, McPherson...
Paparelli, Rubicheck, Salinka!
Yo-ho!
All present and accounted for.
How's your game going in there?
Hey, you got them
pigeons cleaned out yet?
You got ten dollars?
Ten bucks? What
happened to the $250?
Would you like me to
stand here on Army time
and explain it in front
of the whole platoon?
All right, men,
here it is again.
Another complaint.
Lieutenant Bigelow reports
that he saw one of our trucks
from the motor pool at the
drive-in theater last night.
Fortunately, I was able
to prove by the records
it was no man from this platoon.
Kadowski!
Next time, don't leave your
dog tags on the front seat.
Thanks, Sarge.
Now, come on, men.
Let's make this the
last complaint we get.
They've been watching
this platoon like hawks
since last summer...
when that tank showed
up on the beach.
Sun worshipper.
Now, men, I told you
this a hundred times.
If you need transportation,
my own car is at your disposal.
It's only ten cents a mile.
The weekly rates are
up on the bulletin board.
And you can see Corporal
Barbella about the group plan.
Ten dollars.
I need ten dollars to
keep that game alive.
We gave you every last cent.
Where we going to get ten bucks?
You must have...
Don't go anywhere.
Wait a minute.
Did you sell any
football tickets?
Hey, Bilko, how 'bout it?
Go in there and stall them off.
How about the football pool?
The bed-making contest?
They ain't springing
for nothing lately.
Got to think of
everything myself, huh?
Men...
it's been some time
since we've had a little talk.
Freeze. Freeze, you commandos.
Men...
when the United States Army
put these stripes on my sleeves,
they also put something
on my shoulders.
Responsibility.
And what has been my
biggest responsibility?
Your morale.
That's the one thing I
think of day in, day out.
Your morale!
Now, I must have told
you this a thousand times.
Suppose you tell it to me once.
What do I want
to make this outfit?
The happiest
platoon on the post.
Right.
The happiest
platoon on the post.
But men, I can't
do it by myself.
I want to see my boys have fun.
Fun!
What good is it
if you don't join
in any of these
fun-making activities?
You won't buy tickets to the
football pool, you won't join
- any of these fundraising activities.
- Hey, Sarge?
- Sarge.
- I rack my brain.
- Sarge! Sar...
- I... What?! What?! What?!
They're breaking up the game.
I can't stall them any longer.
Ciao.
Hey, where you going, fellas?
This is only the
shank of the morning.
Hey. Surely, my credit is good.
Credit?
Sergeant Bilko,
you said a dirty word.
How about it, Sowici?
A little two-handed anything?
It's all over, Bilko.
The big operator of the
post finally got himself taken.
Yeah, well, don't
bruise that bankroll.
I'll get it back Saturday night.
Saturday night. Where
you going to get a bankroll
to get into the game
Saturday night?
Your luck's changed, Bilko.
It's all over.
See us when you
get another bankroll.
Bilko lost?
Now he'll be on the
prowl for another bankroll.
He's in trouble.
If Bilko needs money,
we're in trouble.
You said it.
Ah, just the...
I tawt I taw a puddy tat.
I've seen outfits
move fast in my life...
That's the fastest I've
ever seen these fellas...
Well, now, here's
a gay little group.
Mind if I open my
veins and join you?
250 clams.
And a hundred of
it was my money.
- Hi, Chaplain.
- Hi, Padre.
Hiya, Padre.
What brings you here?
Nothing much.
I just wanted to
verify something
I never thought I'd live to see.
You lost in a card game?
Card game?
But Padre, you
know I don't allow
no games of chance
in my barracks.
Police the area.
Bilko, you're a gambler,
a sharpster, a promoter.
You're everything I'm here
to prevent soldiers
from becoming.
Tell me, why do I like you?
I don't know.
I do have a nice personality.
I don't know why I
worry about your soul.
You'll probably talk
your way into Heaven.
Bilko, why don't
you forget about it?
Forget about what?
You know what. I mean
this constant gambling
between you and the other
top kicks of the permanent party.
Oh, Padre, you don't understand.
I got a reputation to uphold.
Those meatballs...
Just because they
got a little lucky,
now they think they're
smarter than I am.
Maybe they are.
What do you mean?
Where were you sitting
during the late, lamented game?
Right here. My lucky chair.
Lucky... I see.
Where's your mirror?
My mirror?
Right over there on the
wall, where it always is.
Why? You want to
shave or something?
You're welcome to it.
I... who moved my mirror?
Rocco, did you move my...? Oh.
There it is. That's funny.
You know how it is, Padre.
You get used to a
mirror in one place,
some joker on a neat
kick, you know? He reach...
I...
Rocco! Sit here.
Look at your hold card.
Ten of diamonds, right?
Gee, that's terrific.
Terrific? Did you
see what happened?
Don't you see what happened?
I've been taken.
Those dirty... Don't
you see what they did?
Those dirty,
miserable... rascals.
Don't you see what happened?
They set it up for me.
Don't think they
get aw... Oh, those...
They're mean fellas,
chaplain... mean.
I can see you're taking
this pretty seriously.
The training report, sir.
Oh, thanks, Hogan.
Now, Tom, if you can show me
how relieving Bilko of
that motor pool platoon
is going to cut
down the gambling
over at the permanent
party quarters,
I'll go along with it.
But Bilko is the best motor
pool NCO I've ever had.
That's just it.
He's got it running so smoothly,
there's nothing for him to do
but to think up little
rackets, play poker.
- What are you dri...?
- Give him something new.
Something that
will challenge him.
What are you driving at, Tom?
Colonel, give Bilko
a basic training unit.
Bilko?
With those young,
innocent recruits?
Ah, for a minute, I
thought you were serious.
I am.
I know you're shorthanded
on your training schedule.
And here's Bilko, a good
sergeant with a great
- record, wasting...
- Not a chance.
Tom, we reorganized the
entire layout of the post.
We moved buildings,
blocked off streets,
so that no rookie...
Even by accident...
Could ever get near Bilko.
Colonel, I've got a hunch.
So long, Billy. Be a good boy.
Take care of yourself, Willis...
Bye.
Bye, Tony. Say hello to Millie.
Hey, you. I'll miss you.
Take care of yourself, hear?
I don't get it. I
don't get it at all.
Why? Why are they
transferring my platoon, my boys,
the guys I grew to love?
Especially today...
Saturday... When they get paid.
Hey. Did you find out anything?
No, nothing.
Gee, it's hot.
Thanks a lot. I send
him out for information,
he comes in with
a weather report.
Well, there goes our last chance
to get a bankroll
for tonight's game.
I don't get it. I...
Empty barracks. Empty bunks.
It's an empty world, men.
♪ We're in the Army now ♪
♪ We're not behind the plow ♪
♪ We'll never get rich
by digging a ditch ♪
- ♪ We're in the Army now ♪
- Hut, two, three, four!
- Hut, two, three, four!
- ♪ We're in the Army now ♪
- Hut, two, three, four!
- ♪ We're not behind the plow ♪
Hut, two...
♪ We'll never get rich
by digging a ditch ♪
- Hut, two, three, four! ♪
We're in the Army now ♪
All right, men.
Sing it out, now!
Once more!
- ♪ We're in the Army now ♪
- Hut, two, three, four!
- ♪ We're not behind the plow ♪
- Hut, two, three, four!
- ♪ We'll never get rich by
digging a ditch ♪ -Hut, two...
- Hut, two, three, four!
- ♪ We're in the Army now. ♪
Company, halt!
Are you Sergeant Bilko, sir?
Yes, I'm Sergeant Bilko.
What are you, the Scout master?
My name is Higgins, sir.
At the induction center,
when they found out I'd
been to a military academy,
they made me acting
PFC in charge of this squad
until we got here
for our basic training.
- Basic training?
- Yes, sir.
- Sergeant Bilko. -Ten-hut!
- Attention!
This is your new
assignment, Bilko.
See that they get the
required basic training courses.
That's all.
Thank you, sir.
Only the one he's talking to.
My new squad.
New blood.
At ease, men.
Welcome to the
United States Army.
Friends, when the
United States Army
put these stripes on my sleeve,
they also put something on...
Say, I understand
you boys don't get
paid for the first 30 days.
Now, if you're
a little short, I...
Oh, no, Sergeant. We
brought money from home.
Money from home.
Money from home!
Oh, what pleasant
memories those words invoke.
Mom's apple pie.
Washing the car on Sunday.
Gets you right in
here, don't it, pal?
But friends, the
Army, too, can be fun.
For instance, this weekend,
I want to see you all
at the Welcome Rookies Dance.
Corporal Barbella
- will have the tickets.
- Uh, sir...?
- I always say a little fun...
- Uh, sir?
- With a little hard work...
- Sergeant Bilko?
- You can't...
- Sergeant, Sergeant?
Uh, well, doesn't The
Soldier's Guidebook state
that the first weekend should
be spent reviewing the things
we learned during the week?
Good boy.
Yes, sir, men.
Every night when you
return from that drill field,
I'll be here to relax you.
Take the tension away from
you with a little game of chance.
Nothing too expensive.
Little lotto, little bingo.
And for you older men,
perhaps a little gin rummy.
What about that?!
- Heh?
- Sir...
- Are we gonna have fun?
- Sergeant?
- You listen to me.
- Sergeant Bilko...
- Because your welfare is...
- But Sergeant, Sergeant,
what about our personal health
and character guidance lectures?
Aren't we supposed
to have those at night?
Good boy.
Yes, friends, you call on your
sergeant for anything you want.
My door is open.
You ever need any
souvenirs, slight extra charge.
Chewing gum, cigarettes.
- But Sergeant...
- Any little knickknacks you need.
- Sergeant Bilko?! But, Sarge...
- You can... Aw, shut up!
- Razor blades, little postcards.
- But...
- Sergeant Bilko.
- Anything...
Sergeant, Sergeant,
just one thing.
Isn't there a post exchange
where we can buy
those things direct?
Wouldn't you be
happier in the Navy?
I-I'm sorry, sir, but I
just want to make sure
my military career gets
started on the right foot.
You see, after my two years
are up, I plan to stay in the Army.
And you'll make good, too.
As a target.
Yes, men, we're
gonna have fun, fun!
But lest we forget,
there's a military aspect
to this man's Army, too.
For instance... I, personally,
every day, will escort you
out to the drill field
and the rifle range,
short hikes...
Weather permitting.
I'm going to make
this a crackerjack outfit!
I...
I think you're going to be
pleasantly surprised, sir.
I will?
Yes, sir.
You see, at the
induction center,
while waiting for our
assignment, I took the liberty
of putting the men through
a little close order drill
- just to get a head start, you know, sir.
- Yes, yes, yes...
Would you like me to take
them out and drill them now, sir?
Take them out and drill them?
Say, that ought to be fun.
- All right, men!
- What is he doing?!
Straighten that line!
Here, remember what I told you!
Company... Wait, Higgins.
Sergeant Bilko, I don't
want to miss that dance,
so could I reserve some tickets?
- Yeah, and I need stationery, sir.
- You gonna have
- a baseball pool?
- Gonna sell I.D. bracelets?
Please, please, friends.
Everything I promise
you you'll have.
Just give us a chance
to get organized.
Aren't they wonderful?
All right, men!
Hold that. Just a
minute, Higgins.
Corporal Henshaw,
I want you to escort these
men out to the drill field
and stay with them every minute.
In this heat, Sarge?
They ain't gonna get lost.
I'm not worried about
them getting lost.
I don't want nobody
to steal them.
♪ For it's hi! hi! hee!
In the field artillery ♪
♪ Shout out your
numbers loud and strong ♪
♪ Two, three, four! ♪
Sergeant Bilko! Sergeant Bilko!
Coming. I... What are you doing?
What, are you
crazy or something?
No, sir, it's only... it's
only an empty practice rifle.
They're the most dangerous kind.
And I wouldn't want
anything to happen to you.
Sergeant Bilko.
- Yes, son, what is it?
- There's my girl's
picture for the Sweetheart
of the Squad contest
you're running.
Well, we'll put her right
up on a bulletin board.
Of course, you know,
there's a five dollar entry fee
to defray the cost of
- thumbtacks, chalk, -
Oh, I know that, sir. Yeah.
- Little things that we...
- Sarge, hey, Sarge.
- What, what, what?!
- Sarge, the game has started already
in Sowici's Company "B" kitchen.
How about that bankroll?
Coming up.
I'll give you the money, as
soon as we get our first pay.
I'm broke.
Broke?
I thought you guys
brought money from home.
Yeah, that was this morning.
I had $50, but
Higgins has it now.
Higgins?
Yes, sir, he's got
almost all the money
the fellas brought.
I tell you, the minute
I laid eyes on that kid,
I knew he was a born competitor.
Oh, Higgins!
Yes, sir.
Let's have a little chat.
About face!
Hup!
Higgins!
Do you know what
they call a soldier
who squeezes money
out of his comrades?
He's called a vulture.
And there's no room
on this post for another...
For a vulture!
But-But, sir, I'm...
Do you deny you took those
kids for every nickel they got?!
Oh, oh, no, no, no, sir.
You got it all wrong.
I'm just holding
the money for them.
Holding it?
Yes, sir.
You see, we all plan to go on
our first furlough
together on a trip,
and the fellas gave
me their money to hold
so that they didn't
spend it foolishly.
Foolishly, huh?
Higgins, uh, did
anybody on this post
warn you ab... Tell
you... about me?
No, sir.
Just the chaplain.
The chaplain.
That's all. Dismissed.
My friend, the padre,
warning new, innocent soldiers
against their own sergeant.
Well, there goes the bankroll.
And the game
has started already.
Shh!
What is it?
I hear cards being shuffled.
All the way from the
Company "B" kitchen?
I also hear money
being riffled...
Our money...
Crying out into the night,
"Daddy, come take us home."
Now, where is Daddy?
In a barracks, babysitting.
Come in!
Holy smokes.
What is it now, Higgins?
I forget your bedtime story?
Somebody have to be burped?
Well, sir, could I talk
to you for just a minute?
It's-It's a little personal.
All right, fellas, out.
It's buddy-buddy time, huh?
All right, Higgins, come on.
Let's have it. What is it?
Well, sir, y-you
remember the money
I've been holding
for the fellas?
It never left my mind.
Mine neither, sir.
It's just too much
of a responsibility.
Here, Sergeant,
will you hold it for us?
You want me to hold it?
Yes, sir, if you will.
Come on, Higgins,
I'm only flesh and blood.
You hold it.
But Sergeant, The-The
Soldier's Guidebook states
that enlisted men may leave
their valuables
with their sergeant.
You didn't read the footnote
where my name is mentioned.
Sergeant Bilko, please...
It's more money than I
ever had in my whole life.
My gosh, there's over $300 here!
Three hundred and nineteen.
Three hundred and twenty.
Oh, yeah, I didn't get
that wet single in here.
No, no, you better hang onto it.
You heard what the
chaplain said about me.
Yes, sir, that's why I'm here.
Well, the chaplain said, if we
ever needed anybody to turn to,
someone we could trust, we
could always trust Sergeant Bilko.
Trust Sergeant Bilko?
Yes, sir.
The chaplain said that?
Yes, sir.
Look, Higgins,
when he said it...
was he laughing or something?
No.
No, sir, he seemed
quite serious.
Please, Sergeant, hold it, huh?
The chaplain said that?
Yes, sir.
Good night, sir.
N-Night.
Hey, Sarge, what did the kid...
He got it! He got it!
Hey, Sarge, I've
seen you work fast,
but this is the new Army record.
Come on, off to the game!
- Wait a minute...
- Wait a minute, you meatballs!
I'm surprised with you.
As long as you been with me,
you ought to know me better.
These kids gave me
this money to hold.
They trust me with it.
They gave it to you?
Who else would they trust
but their own sergeant?
Boy, do they
need basic training.
Well, maybe we could
use it, just for the game!
I told you, they gave
it to me to hold in trust.
Yeah, but Sarge, the... Out.
- Out. Eh... - But... Out!
♪♪
What's going on?
Just going through
the manual of arms.
If we're gonna
teach it to those kids,
we might as well
know what we're doing.
Just dropped by to
leave the flashlight.
Flashlight?
Yeah, just in case
you change your mind,
it's pitch black between here
and the Company "B" kitchen.
Where the game is going on.
With our money.
I told you I'm holding
that money for the kids.
Out.
Out!
♪♪
- Hey, Sarge!
- I'm not gonna tell you...
We just came back
from watching the game.
There's all the money
in the world there,
just waiting for you.
Sowici just won a $35
pot with a pair of fours.
Out.
I'm not gonna tell you again!
Get out of here!
♪♪
- Heya, kid. Wake up, wake up!
- What? What?
Wha-Wha-What is it,
Sergeant? Night maneuvers?
Night maneuvers? I
just went through those.
Here. Be careful what you
do with other people's money.
Hang onto this.
But Sergeant, we trust you.
Don't press your luck.
Come on.
Get some sleep.
Good night, Sergeant.
Well, what are you two
jokers doing around here?
Good night, Sergeant.
Good night.
- Good night, Sarge.
- Good night.
Well, don't stand around.
You know what to do. Go on.
Well, Padre, what
brings you around here?
Just checking.
Everything okay?
Just wonderful.
It figured.
Good night, Padre.
Good night, Ernest.
Ernest?
♪♪
Higgins was played
by Michael Dreyfuss.
Henshaw portrayed
by Allan Melvin.