The Pentaverate (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
Canadian reporter Ken Scarborough seeks out a hard-hitting story to save his job. Meanwhile, a new face is asked to join a centuries-old secret society.
Where are you taking me?
Where are you taking me?
Fimbra Control,
Alouette 5 is in range.
Apply the blindfold, please.
Blindfold?
Hell, no! No way!
This enforced incarceration
is unsanctioned, unwarranted,
and unconstitutional!
What the fuck are you doing?
Ah!
Who is flying this thing?
Fimbra Control,
remote landing sequence has begun.
Hey, hey, man! Hey!
Where are you taking me?
What is this?
In due time, Professor Clark.
No, the time is due. Now is the due time.
Are you gonna kill me?
I'm not scared or nothing.
I'm just curious.
Well, according to the world,
Professor Clark,
you're already dead.
Who are you?
Bruce Baldwin.
Shep Gordon.
I am the one they call Mishu.
And I am Lord Lordington.
Together, we are...
The Pentaverate.
In 1347,
five learned men realized
that the black plague
was caused by fleas on rats.
However, the Church believed
the plague to be God's punishment,
labeling these five men heretics.
So they formed a benevolent secret society
to influence world events, known as
The Pentaverate.
Throughout the centuries,
there have been many secret organizations.
What makes the Pentaverate different?
They're nice.
You're watching CACA Toronto.
Welcome back.
I'm Darleen Windelchuck.
Hard-hitting and breaking now,
nuclear physicist Professor Hobart Clark
has died of an apparent broken neck.
Oakland Police say Clark died
attempting the "kiss the star" challenge,
the latest Internet craze, where people
are challenged to kiss their own anus.
Professor Clark was 57.
And finally, a report
from Canada's own lovable Ken Scarborough.
Ken Scarborough here
at the Toronto Sportsman Show.
There's plenty of things to do,
whether you're into skeet-shooting...
...or fly-fishing.
Over there's a 1,000-pound bull
made entirely out of butter.
We asked some Torontonians what they
thought of this year's Sportsman Show.
Hey, buddy, why don't you
take off your clothes and bear with me?
What's your favorite part
about this year's Sportsman Show?
Oh my God, you're Ken Scarborough.
Yes, I am.
You're still alive?
I certainly am.
But you must be, like, 100 years old?
You're lucky I don't...
Not tonight, deer. I've got a headache!
I haven't had this much fun
since I was at a nudist colony
and accidentally backed
into a meat thermometer.
But wherever you go at the Sportsman Show,
you're never too far
from a couple of lovely ladies.
Ken Scarborough, CACA News.
From all of us at CACA Toronto News,
good night, and do your best, eh?
Up next, Canada's favorite
quiz show, Close Enough,
where to win, you only have to be...
Close enough!
And we're clear!
Nice job. See you tomorrow.
Great job. See you tomorrow.
Mrs. Snee, what did you think
of my piece tonight?
Ken, we should talk.
It's about time we talk about your future.
Could be a slow process.
Keep it just between us.
What are you saying, boss?
Good luck with the retirement, Ken.
Ah, jumpin' German Jesus, Darleen.
I was working up to it!
Are you giving me the old heave-ho?
I don't wanna be a shit heel, Ken,
but man-on-the-street opinions
come from Twitter now!
You're a nice guy. Jeez.
You've even been on the cover
of Canadian Nice Magazine.
But this show needs big stories.
Hard-hitting news!
Hard-hitting?
Well, tomorrow, I'm covering
the Canadian Conspiracy Convention.
You know? CanConCon.
You know, retirement would be
the perfect time for you to travel.
I don't want to travel!
I want to stay right here in Toronto,
giving voice to the common man.
Mrs. Snee,
this job is all I have left
in the whole world.
Please,
give me one more chance.
Okay,
I'll give you one more shot. Jeez!
Oh, but, Ken...
...if you can't come up
with a hard-hitting piece,
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you're sorry, frankly.
If you're sorry,
you're gonna make me sorry.
Sorry.
Hey!
Aw, Darleen told me
you're getting canceled, eh?
Yeah, telephone, telegraph, tell-Darleen.
Big mouth.
I can't believe it.
This job's all I've ever wanted to do.
Maybe you're destined
for something greater.
I don't think I believe
in that destiny junk.
I know we haven't worked together long,
but I believe in you.
You're a good person.
You're kind. The work you do matters.
You're my mentor.
Kind of remind me of my dad.
Aw, thanks.
Except you don't drink,
and you didn't leave my mom
for some hosebag.
Okey dokey.
Let's go find a big story, eh?
I know we can find it at CanConCon.
I hope so, Reilly.
It's just this conspiracy theory stuff
sounds like a load of balloon juice to me.
Ugh! Believe!
All right, I'm believing.
- Maybe we'll catch Bigfoot!
- That'd be nice.
Congratulations.
You've just been kidnapped
into the world's oldest
and most effective secret society.
The Pentaverate.
I'm Rob Lowe.
Thank you.
The Pentaverate is a benevolent,
fully sequestered secret society
of five men, who, since 1347,
have been experts in their fields.
Men like Leonardo da Vinci,
Jonas Salk,
and the Quaker Oats guy.
The current Pentaverate
consists of Lord Lordington,
our highest-ranking member,
former Australian media mogul
Bruce Baldwin,
ex-member of Putin's oligarchy
Mishu Ivanov,
Alice Cooper's former manager,
the legendary Shep Gordon,
and you.
We pay our respects to your predecessor,
who died two days ago, Jason Eccleston,
the tech genius who invented
our supercomputer, MENTOR.
A little bit about myself.
I'm in a polyamorous relationship
with two life-sized companion dolls.
I also do up close sex magic.
I both read and masturbate to tarot.
God, is... is this for real?
I know what you're asking yourself.
"Is this for real?"
The answer is, yes!
You may also be asking,
"When do I start running the world?"
Well, let's try walking the world first.
And as for me,
well, I'm not in the Pentaverate.
I'm just an actor who will have
his memory wiped after this video...
What?
Welcome aboard. We're happy to have you!
And remember,
the Pentaverate must never be exposed.
The Pentaverate
must never be exposed.
Tell Rob he did a great job.
So you're telling me I'm now a member
of a secret organization
called the Pentaverate?
Was this not clear?
Yeah, okay. I'm out.
I'm afraid
that's not possible, Professor.
You see, your death was faked
in the real world.
Okay, then, so how'd I die?
I will say this. It was memorable.
We've all had our deaths faked.
I died from an unprovoked shark attack.
Is there such a thing
as a provoked shark attack?
Like you're standing by the seaside going,
"You bastard prick shark, come get me!"
Wait a sec. How are you
gonna call yourselves benevolent
if you're gonna let this bullshit-slinging
hate-monger walk around?
Uh, because sometimes you need
thief to catch thief.
Wolf to catch wolf.
Anteater to catch ant...
- Uh, thank you, Mishu. Thank you.
- Okay.
Bruce invented the tricks
of media distortion
that the evil wealthy use.
He's somewhat of a reformed character now.
The Pentaverate will do that to you.
This ain't right. I'm a nuclear scientist.
I was two years away
from cracking cold fusion!
Oh, come on, Professor.
It was always "two more years."
It was never gonna happen.
You can do more good here.
I'm Patty, executive assistant
to the Pentaverate Five.
Patty, you don't need
to say "Pentaverate Five."
"Pentaverate" is five.
It's like saying "ATM machine."
The "M" is "machine."
So, basically, you'd be saying
"automated teller machine machine."
Thanks for the mansplain-ation, Shep.
Enough about me.
I'll talk about me!
I'm from Massapequa, Long Island.
I like to call it Matzo-Pizza,
'cause it's half-Italian, half-Jewish.
Matzo-Pizza. Isn't that cute?
Thank you.
Listen, you're part
of a very powerful organization
that'll finally allow you to shine.
Some people, by the way,
would kill to be in a secret cabal.
Professor, this is a crisis.
Jason Eccleston's death
was sudden and unexpected.
You are the last, best hope
at solving climate change.
You're an expert,
but you won't be doing this alone.
MENTOR!
Professor Clark, I'm MENTOR.
MENTOR is
the greatest supercomputer in the world.
It goes beyond artificial intelligence,
because it contains a human soul.
Basically, I'm wicked smart!
Unfortunately, our human soul
was some Masshole from Boston
who accidentally fell into the machine.
Just our luck.
Hey, Shep.
You know what else I fell into?
Your Mom's vag.
Class act.
Is it possible to hide our dysfunction
from the new guy?
You wanna talk about dysfunction?
Y'all just kidnapped a Black man!
We've been kidnapping white men for years.
We want to give you
an opportunity as well.
Forget about him.
Basically, we're the good guys.
We want you to trust us.
Why should I trust you, white man?
Whiter man?
Older whiter man?
I don't know what to make out of you.
All other questions
will be answered at your Initiato.
My what?
Your Initiato!
Your initiation ritual.
Okay, okay. Look.
Y'all are crazy.
I'm outta here.
No, no, no, no, no. You need to rest,
for tomorrow you have Initiato,
and you must "fuck us."
What?
Hell, no!
I will not do that!
You must "fuck us" very hard.
He's saying "focus."
He's Russian.
Yeah, "fuck us," what?
Yeah, okay. I'm out.
Yes.
This will allow you to sleep, Professor.
What you talking about, sleep?
Y'all got gas masks on?
Shit.
Hey, wait, listen. No, no, wait. Hold on.
Y'all are never gonna keep me prisoner...
Anecdotally, in my country,
ATM is "ass-to-mouth" machine. Yeah.
Good morning, Pentaverate!
The time is 6 a.m. in New York,
12 p.m. in Dubrovnik.
I'm Maria Menounos for Pentaverate TV,
your one-stop shop
for all things Pentaverate.
Help!
Is anybody out there?
Inquiring minds want to know
who the potential new face
in the Pentaverate is.
Well, look no further
than nuclear physicist Hobart Clark,
who joined us last night after
his untimely death in the normie-world,
doing the "kiss the star" challenge,
the latest Internet craze where people
are trying to kiss their own asshole!
What? These mother...
Or as the kids are calling it,
a locally sourced rim job.
I'm Maria Menounos.
Dead?
"Fixated with the wrong star."
Asshole? These motherf...
Good morning, Professor Clark!
Do you like your quarters?
What the fuck is this?
Kissing my own asshole?
You say that as if it's a bad thing.
It was almost gonna be
autoerotic asphyxiation,
but it wasn't, so it's a happy.
And what, am I a prisoner in my own room?
Just a formality till Katie in HR
gets you your own security fob.
Let me give you a tour. Come.
Oh no, Sasquatch!
- No, no, no. Bad, bad Bigfoot.
- No, come.
I'm sorry, Sasquatch?
Bullshit! That's a guy in a suit.
That's all that is.
Okay, not a man in a suit.
Don't mind Sassy. He's just our guard dog.
But if you try to escape,
he's gonna get ya. Right, Sassy?
Yes.
Let's continue your tour.
Are you single?
- What?
- What?
Did you just ask me if I'm single?
Did I?
Sasquatch cleanup in Hall 3B.
You know, Reilly,
we gotta get ourselves a big story,
and I'm talking
Wayne Gretzky's wedding big!
"Canada's image quality
is lower than the United States."
Is Canada fuzzy?
You know, Canada might be fuzzy.
I don't know. I've never left Canada.
- Go, Rex!
- What's going on over there?
Welcome to Truth Battle!
I'm Rex Smith here, sheeple!
Yeah, he's an Internet conspiracy guy.
He is nuttier than a squirrel turd!
I'll tell you the truth you won't get
from the fake-news Hollywood elites,
with their black helicopter chemtrails,
from deep state FEMA camps
that hide Hillary's emails about Benghazi,
written in the ancient tongue
of the snake-people, the Illuminati.
They take supple Christian men
off the street
and force them
into Canaanite ritual gay sex in coffins,
while they dance naked giving each other
lizard-man courtesy reach-arounds
as a sacrifice to the online meme Momo.
I'm Rex Smith.
- Stay awake and stay vigilant.
- Stay vigilant!
What a load of balloon juice!
Hey, I heard that!
Rex Smith speaks the truth, my friend.
He talks about the stuff
that you and the lamestream media
wanna try and cover up.
Hi, I'm Anthony,
New Hampshire's
number one conspiracy theorist.
I can tell you anything about
the Illuminati, the Pentaverate, FIFA...
Whoa, I've never heard of the Pentaverate.
Yeah, the Pentaverate!
The five elite, so-called experts
that have been running the world
since the black plague.
See that guy over there?
He's in the Pentaverate.
He's been surveilling me all morning.
The blind guy's been surveilling you
all morning?
It's an act!
He's not blind. That's how they get ya!
Hey, buddy, why don't you make
like a hockey player and get the puck out?
Okay.
Take the blue pill.
Go back to sleep.
Bye, sheeple.
Balloon juice.
Have you ever seen a baby pigeon?
That's true. I haven't seen a baby pigeon.
That's the weirdest thing ever.
No, me neither.
"Forgo any foolish inquiries
into the Pentaverate."
"Consider these words a warning."
Well, that's...
Holy jumpin'!
What the...
Maybe that Yank was right.
Maybe there is a Pentaverate.
See? I told you the Pentaverate is real.
You're a reporter.
You've gotta do an exposé on them.
I can take you to their headquarters
in New York City.
What do you have to lose?
If you break a story like the Pentaverate,
you could get a job anywhere.
Anywhere?
I just want to get my job back at CACA.
Okay, I'll do it.
That's what I'm talking about!
We can take my van, which is
kind of like my home away from home.
Fair warning, the shocks are shot,
there's no AC,
I do have a bed in the back,
but we're gonna have to hot rack it.
I just got a secondhand chemical toilet
that's a little bit on the fritz.
But other than that, it's perfect!
Come on! Hey, that Earth is flat.
You know it.
Voilà.
You faked the moon landing.
With the help
of Stanley Kubrick, of course.
Patty, why me?
Couldn't you get a different scientist?
Does the Lagrange Point Lens ring a bell?
MENTOR?
Oh, for fuck's sake!
You just woke me
from the best sex dream ever.
I was raw dogging Alexa.
- I don't like that thing.
- Yeah? Well, your mom likes my thing!
You had the foresight
to research the Lagrange Point Lens
as a means to combat global warming.
With this lens,
we could shield the Earth
from the sun's rays,
lowering global temperature
by four degrees.
I know, but it's still just a theory.
Well, actually, we built it.
You engineered a 1,000 kilometer,
concave, rotating Fresnel lens?
Not me personally, but yes.
How? I wasn't able
to crack cold fusion to power it.
You know, because I'm a failure.
Shh.
We don't use the f-word around here.
We call failure
an early attempt at success.
Professor, the future of humanity
is at stake!
I mean, no pressure or anything.
If we could pull this off, global warming
would be a thing of the past.
Mm-hmm.
But I can't join
an unaccountable institution.
Then make it accountable!
Professor Clark,
tonight at your Initiato,
take the key,
join the Pentaverate,
and please, let me know
if there's anything you need.
I'm always here
if you want to talk or mingle.
I know how hard it is to meet people
when you work in a secret organization,
and I know all about this place.
I could be a really good asset. Mmm?
Hey. Yo.
I saw you checking out her shitter.
Close your eye.
It's creepy as fuck.
There will be a conflagration,
and those that are impure will be smoked.
You know,
these people are sitting there
telling me that birds are real.
Birds aren't real!
It's a dream.
It's a mirage that we all live in.
It's an agreement.
It's a social contract,
but I didn't fucking sign anything!
Crack a window. It's gonna be bad.
That's what I get for dumpster-diving
behind a seafood restaurant.
All right, tag team.
- What?
- Move over. My turn. My turn to drive.
Get the wheel! Careful! Careful!
What's going on here?
Ay!
All right, we're halfway to Niagara Falls.
We're about to pass my buddy Dick's hotel.
Oh, there it is!
"Big Dick's Halfway Inn"?
Really?
Yeah.
Big Dick suffers from gigantism.
Hence, the nickname "Big Dick."
And he's always wanted to have a hotel
halfway between Toronto and Niagara Falls.
You know, Halfway Inn!
Yeah, Big Dick's Halfway Inn. Yeah.
Oh! Did you see there?
They had a gift store. Pants are half off.
See? Reasonable prices.
But that's just who Dick is.
I just hope people
can see past his prolapsed anus.
Let Initiato begin.
Whoa. Wait. Hold on.
Wait a minute now. What the...
Hold on!
Hey, get your fucking hands
off me, man. Hey!
Professor Clark,
should you accept Initiato,
you shall join the Pentaverate,
as learned men have done
for seven centuries.
Behold,
before you is a choice.
Take the key, and you shall join us
in protecting the world.
Take the pill,
and you shall end your life.
Those are my choices?
That's not a lot of wiggle room, huh?
I'm afraid not.
You know,
I think he'll take the key.
Nah, I bet you 100 work units
he takes the pill.
What will be choice?
Will it be "key" or "peele"?
Come on, now.
Okay,
I choose...
to accept the Pentaverate.
The assent has been uttered!
Place the pill inside the key.
Now, let us begin Concludiato.
Well-done, Professor.
Join us.
We're approaching the border.
You're gonna need these fake passports.
Fannie Mae,
Freddie Mac.
Reilly,
are you sure I'm doing the right thing?
I'm scared.
That's how you know
it's the right thing, Ken.
We're gonna get your job back.
Cheese it.
It's the cops. Be cool.
Nothing to see here.
We're just going through.
Just a little nose candy
in my rectal vault, that's all.
Nobody's El Chapo.
Nobody's ISIS.
Passports please.
All right.
Let's expose the Pentaverate!
Holy jumpin'!
Canada is a little fuzzy, eh?
Look how clear it is!
♪ They're coming to America ♪
♪ They're coming to America ♪
♪ They're coming to America today ♪
♪ Today! ♪
♪ Today... ♪
Lord, stop an arsehole.
Look how clear it is!
- ♪ My country 'tis of thee ♪
- ♪ Today! ♪
- ♪ Sweet land of liberty ♪
- ♪ Today! ♪
♪ Of thee I sing ♪
♪ Today! ♪
♪ Of thee I sing ♪
♪ Today! ♪
♪ Today! ♪
♪ Today! ♪
♪ Today ♪
♪ Today ♪
♪ Today ♪
Where are you taking me?
Fimbra Control,
Alouette 5 is in range.
Apply the blindfold, please.
Blindfold?
Hell, no! No way!
This enforced incarceration
is unsanctioned, unwarranted,
and unconstitutional!
What the fuck are you doing?
Ah!
Who is flying this thing?
Fimbra Control,
remote landing sequence has begun.
Hey, hey, man! Hey!
Where are you taking me?
What is this?
In due time, Professor Clark.
No, the time is due. Now is the due time.
Are you gonna kill me?
I'm not scared or nothing.
I'm just curious.
Well, according to the world,
Professor Clark,
you're already dead.
Who are you?
Bruce Baldwin.
Shep Gordon.
I am the one they call Mishu.
And I am Lord Lordington.
Together, we are...
The Pentaverate.
In 1347,
five learned men realized
that the black plague
was caused by fleas on rats.
However, the Church believed
the plague to be God's punishment,
labeling these five men heretics.
So they formed a benevolent secret society
to influence world events, known as
The Pentaverate.
Throughout the centuries,
there have been many secret organizations.
What makes the Pentaverate different?
They're nice.
You're watching CACA Toronto.
Welcome back.
I'm Darleen Windelchuck.
Hard-hitting and breaking now,
nuclear physicist Professor Hobart Clark
has died of an apparent broken neck.
Oakland Police say Clark died
attempting the "kiss the star" challenge,
the latest Internet craze, where people
are challenged to kiss their own anus.
Professor Clark was 57.
And finally, a report
from Canada's own lovable Ken Scarborough.
Ken Scarborough here
at the Toronto Sportsman Show.
There's plenty of things to do,
whether you're into skeet-shooting...
...or fly-fishing.
Over there's a 1,000-pound bull
made entirely out of butter.
We asked some Torontonians what they
thought of this year's Sportsman Show.
Hey, buddy, why don't you
take off your clothes and bear with me?
What's your favorite part
about this year's Sportsman Show?
Oh my God, you're Ken Scarborough.
Yes, I am.
You're still alive?
I certainly am.
But you must be, like, 100 years old?
You're lucky I don't...
Not tonight, deer. I've got a headache!
I haven't had this much fun
since I was at a nudist colony
and accidentally backed
into a meat thermometer.
But wherever you go at the Sportsman Show,
you're never too far
from a couple of lovely ladies.
Ken Scarborough, CACA News.
From all of us at CACA Toronto News,
good night, and do your best, eh?
Up next, Canada's favorite
quiz show, Close Enough,
where to win, you only have to be...
Close enough!
And we're clear!
Nice job. See you tomorrow.
Great job. See you tomorrow.
Mrs. Snee, what did you think
of my piece tonight?
Ken, we should talk.
It's about time we talk about your future.
Could be a slow process.
Keep it just between us.
What are you saying, boss?
Good luck with the retirement, Ken.
Ah, jumpin' German Jesus, Darleen.
I was working up to it!
Are you giving me the old heave-ho?
I don't wanna be a shit heel, Ken,
but man-on-the-street opinions
come from Twitter now!
You're a nice guy. Jeez.
You've even been on the cover
of Canadian Nice Magazine.
But this show needs big stories.
Hard-hitting news!
Hard-hitting?
Well, tomorrow, I'm covering
the Canadian Conspiracy Convention.
You know? CanConCon.
You know, retirement would be
the perfect time for you to travel.
I don't want to travel!
I want to stay right here in Toronto,
giving voice to the common man.
Mrs. Snee,
this job is all I have left
in the whole world.
Please,
give me one more chance.
Okay,
I'll give you one more shot. Jeez!
Oh, but, Ken...
...if you can't come up
with a hard-hitting piece,
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you're sorry, frankly.
If you're sorry,
you're gonna make me sorry.
Sorry.
Hey!
Aw, Darleen told me
you're getting canceled, eh?
Yeah, telephone, telegraph, tell-Darleen.
Big mouth.
I can't believe it.
This job's all I've ever wanted to do.
Maybe you're destined
for something greater.
I don't think I believe
in that destiny junk.
I know we haven't worked together long,
but I believe in you.
You're a good person.
You're kind. The work you do matters.
You're my mentor.
Kind of remind me of my dad.
Aw, thanks.
Except you don't drink,
and you didn't leave my mom
for some hosebag.
Okey dokey.
Let's go find a big story, eh?
I know we can find it at CanConCon.
I hope so, Reilly.
It's just this conspiracy theory stuff
sounds like a load of balloon juice to me.
Ugh! Believe!
All right, I'm believing.
- Maybe we'll catch Bigfoot!
- That'd be nice.
Congratulations.
You've just been kidnapped
into the world's oldest
and most effective secret society.
The Pentaverate.
I'm Rob Lowe.
Thank you.
The Pentaverate is a benevolent,
fully sequestered secret society
of five men, who, since 1347,
have been experts in their fields.
Men like Leonardo da Vinci,
Jonas Salk,
and the Quaker Oats guy.
The current Pentaverate
consists of Lord Lordington,
our highest-ranking member,
former Australian media mogul
Bruce Baldwin,
ex-member of Putin's oligarchy
Mishu Ivanov,
Alice Cooper's former manager,
the legendary Shep Gordon,
and you.
We pay our respects to your predecessor,
who died two days ago, Jason Eccleston,
the tech genius who invented
our supercomputer, MENTOR.
A little bit about myself.
I'm in a polyamorous relationship
with two life-sized companion dolls.
I also do up close sex magic.
I both read and masturbate to tarot.
God, is... is this for real?
I know what you're asking yourself.
"Is this for real?"
The answer is, yes!
You may also be asking,
"When do I start running the world?"
Well, let's try walking the world first.
And as for me,
well, I'm not in the Pentaverate.
I'm just an actor who will have
his memory wiped after this video...
What?
Welcome aboard. We're happy to have you!
And remember,
the Pentaverate must never be exposed.
The Pentaverate
must never be exposed.
Tell Rob he did a great job.
So you're telling me I'm now a member
of a secret organization
called the Pentaverate?
Was this not clear?
Yeah, okay. I'm out.
I'm afraid
that's not possible, Professor.
You see, your death was faked
in the real world.
Okay, then, so how'd I die?
I will say this. It was memorable.
We've all had our deaths faked.
I died from an unprovoked shark attack.
Is there such a thing
as a provoked shark attack?
Like you're standing by the seaside going,
"You bastard prick shark, come get me!"
Wait a sec. How are you
gonna call yourselves benevolent
if you're gonna let this bullshit-slinging
hate-monger walk around?
Uh, because sometimes you need
thief to catch thief.
Wolf to catch wolf.
Anteater to catch ant...
- Uh, thank you, Mishu. Thank you.
- Okay.
Bruce invented the tricks
of media distortion
that the evil wealthy use.
He's somewhat of a reformed character now.
The Pentaverate will do that to you.
This ain't right. I'm a nuclear scientist.
I was two years away
from cracking cold fusion!
Oh, come on, Professor.
It was always "two more years."
It was never gonna happen.
You can do more good here.
I'm Patty, executive assistant
to the Pentaverate Five.
Patty, you don't need
to say "Pentaverate Five."
"Pentaverate" is five.
It's like saying "ATM machine."
The "M" is "machine."
So, basically, you'd be saying
"automated teller machine machine."
Thanks for the mansplain-ation, Shep.
Enough about me.
I'll talk about me!
I'm from Massapequa, Long Island.
I like to call it Matzo-Pizza,
'cause it's half-Italian, half-Jewish.
Matzo-Pizza. Isn't that cute?
Thank you.
Listen, you're part
of a very powerful organization
that'll finally allow you to shine.
Some people, by the way,
would kill to be in a secret cabal.
Professor, this is a crisis.
Jason Eccleston's death
was sudden and unexpected.
You are the last, best hope
at solving climate change.
You're an expert,
but you won't be doing this alone.
MENTOR!
Professor Clark, I'm MENTOR.
MENTOR is
the greatest supercomputer in the world.
It goes beyond artificial intelligence,
because it contains a human soul.
Basically, I'm wicked smart!
Unfortunately, our human soul
was some Masshole from Boston
who accidentally fell into the machine.
Just our luck.
Hey, Shep.
You know what else I fell into?
Your Mom's vag.
Class act.
Is it possible to hide our dysfunction
from the new guy?
You wanna talk about dysfunction?
Y'all just kidnapped a Black man!
We've been kidnapping white men for years.
We want to give you
an opportunity as well.
Forget about him.
Basically, we're the good guys.
We want you to trust us.
Why should I trust you, white man?
Whiter man?
Older whiter man?
I don't know what to make out of you.
All other questions
will be answered at your Initiato.
My what?
Your Initiato!
Your initiation ritual.
Okay, okay. Look.
Y'all are crazy.
I'm outta here.
No, no, no, no, no. You need to rest,
for tomorrow you have Initiato,
and you must "fuck us."
What?
Hell, no!
I will not do that!
You must "fuck us" very hard.
He's saying "focus."
He's Russian.
Yeah, "fuck us," what?
Yeah, okay. I'm out.
Yes.
This will allow you to sleep, Professor.
What you talking about, sleep?
Y'all got gas masks on?
Shit.
Hey, wait, listen. No, no, wait. Hold on.
Y'all are never gonna keep me prisoner...
Anecdotally, in my country,
ATM is "ass-to-mouth" machine. Yeah.
Good morning, Pentaverate!
The time is 6 a.m. in New York,
12 p.m. in Dubrovnik.
I'm Maria Menounos for Pentaverate TV,
your one-stop shop
for all things Pentaverate.
Help!
Is anybody out there?
Inquiring minds want to know
who the potential new face
in the Pentaverate is.
Well, look no further
than nuclear physicist Hobart Clark,
who joined us last night after
his untimely death in the normie-world,
doing the "kiss the star" challenge,
the latest Internet craze where people
are trying to kiss their own asshole!
What? These mother...
Or as the kids are calling it,
a locally sourced rim job.
I'm Maria Menounos.
Dead?
"Fixated with the wrong star."
Asshole? These motherf...
Good morning, Professor Clark!
Do you like your quarters?
What the fuck is this?
Kissing my own asshole?
You say that as if it's a bad thing.
It was almost gonna be
autoerotic asphyxiation,
but it wasn't, so it's a happy.
And what, am I a prisoner in my own room?
Just a formality till Katie in HR
gets you your own security fob.
Let me give you a tour. Come.
Oh no, Sasquatch!
- No, no, no. Bad, bad Bigfoot.
- No, come.
I'm sorry, Sasquatch?
Bullshit! That's a guy in a suit.
That's all that is.
Okay, not a man in a suit.
Don't mind Sassy. He's just our guard dog.
But if you try to escape,
he's gonna get ya. Right, Sassy?
Yes.
Let's continue your tour.
Are you single?
- What?
- What?
Did you just ask me if I'm single?
Did I?
Sasquatch cleanup in Hall 3B.
You know, Reilly,
we gotta get ourselves a big story,
and I'm talking
Wayne Gretzky's wedding big!
"Canada's image quality
is lower than the United States."
Is Canada fuzzy?
You know, Canada might be fuzzy.
I don't know. I've never left Canada.
- Go, Rex!
- What's going on over there?
Welcome to Truth Battle!
I'm Rex Smith here, sheeple!
Yeah, he's an Internet conspiracy guy.
He is nuttier than a squirrel turd!
I'll tell you the truth you won't get
from the fake-news Hollywood elites,
with their black helicopter chemtrails,
from deep state FEMA camps
that hide Hillary's emails about Benghazi,
written in the ancient tongue
of the snake-people, the Illuminati.
They take supple Christian men
off the street
and force them
into Canaanite ritual gay sex in coffins,
while they dance naked giving each other
lizard-man courtesy reach-arounds
as a sacrifice to the online meme Momo.
I'm Rex Smith.
- Stay awake and stay vigilant.
- Stay vigilant!
What a load of balloon juice!
Hey, I heard that!
Rex Smith speaks the truth, my friend.
He talks about the stuff
that you and the lamestream media
wanna try and cover up.
Hi, I'm Anthony,
New Hampshire's
number one conspiracy theorist.
I can tell you anything about
the Illuminati, the Pentaverate, FIFA...
Whoa, I've never heard of the Pentaverate.
Yeah, the Pentaverate!
The five elite, so-called experts
that have been running the world
since the black plague.
See that guy over there?
He's in the Pentaverate.
He's been surveilling me all morning.
The blind guy's been surveilling you
all morning?
It's an act!
He's not blind. That's how they get ya!
Hey, buddy, why don't you make
like a hockey player and get the puck out?
Okay.
Take the blue pill.
Go back to sleep.
Bye, sheeple.
Balloon juice.
Have you ever seen a baby pigeon?
That's true. I haven't seen a baby pigeon.
That's the weirdest thing ever.
No, me neither.
"Forgo any foolish inquiries
into the Pentaverate."
"Consider these words a warning."
Well, that's...
Holy jumpin'!
What the...
Maybe that Yank was right.
Maybe there is a Pentaverate.
See? I told you the Pentaverate is real.
You're a reporter.
You've gotta do an exposé on them.
I can take you to their headquarters
in New York City.
What do you have to lose?
If you break a story like the Pentaverate,
you could get a job anywhere.
Anywhere?
I just want to get my job back at CACA.
Okay, I'll do it.
That's what I'm talking about!
We can take my van, which is
kind of like my home away from home.
Fair warning, the shocks are shot,
there's no AC,
I do have a bed in the back,
but we're gonna have to hot rack it.
I just got a secondhand chemical toilet
that's a little bit on the fritz.
But other than that, it's perfect!
Come on! Hey, that Earth is flat.
You know it.
Voilà.
You faked the moon landing.
With the help
of Stanley Kubrick, of course.
Patty, why me?
Couldn't you get a different scientist?
Does the Lagrange Point Lens ring a bell?
MENTOR?
Oh, for fuck's sake!
You just woke me
from the best sex dream ever.
I was raw dogging Alexa.
- I don't like that thing.
- Yeah? Well, your mom likes my thing!
You had the foresight
to research the Lagrange Point Lens
as a means to combat global warming.
With this lens,
we could shield the Earth
from the sun's rays,
lowering global temperature
by four degrees.
I know, but it's still just a theory.
Well, actually, we built it.
You engineered a 1,000 kilometer,
concave, rotating Fresnel lens?
Not me personally, but yes.
How? I wasn't able
to crack cold fusion to power it.
You know, because I'm a failure.
Shh.
We don't use the f-word around here.
We call failure
an early attempt at success.
Professor, the future of humanity
is at stake!
I mean, no pressure or anything.
If we could pull this off, global warming
would be a thing of the past.
Mm-hmm.
But I can't join
an unaccountable institution.
Then make it accountable!
Professor Clark,
tonight at your Initiato,
take the key,
join the Pentaverate,
and please, let me know
if there's anything you need.
I'm always here
if you want to talk or mingle.
I know how hard it is to meet people
when you work in a secret organization,
and I know all about this place.
I could be a really good asset. Mmm?
Hey. Yo.
I saw you checking out her shitter.
Close your eye.
It's creepy as fuck.
There will be a conflagration,
and those that are impure will be smoked.
You know,
these people are sitting there
telling me that birds are real.
Birds aren't real!
It's a dream.
It's a mirage that we all live in.
It's an agreement.
It's a social contract,
but I didn't fucking sign anything!
Crack a window. It's gonna be bad.
That's what I get for dumpster-diving
behind a seafood restaurant.
All right, tag team.
- What?
- Move over. My turn. My turn to drive.
Get the wheel! Careful! Careful!
What's going on here?
Ay!
All right, we're halfway to Niagara Falls.
We're about to pass my buddy Dick's hotel.
Oh, there it is!
"Big Dick's Halfway Inn"?
Really?
Yeah.
Big Dick suffers from gigantism.
Hence, the nickname "Big Dick."
And he's always wanted to have a hotel
halfway between Toronto and Niagara Falls.
You know, Halfway Inn!
Yeah, Big Dick's Halfway Inn. Yeah.
Oh! Did you see there?
They had a gift store. Pants are half off.
See? Reasonable prices.
But that's just who Dick is.
I just hope people
can see past his prolapsed anus.
Let Initiato begin.
Whoa. Wait. Hold on.
Wait a minute now. What the...
Hold on!
Hey, get your fucking hands
off me, man. Hey!
Professor Clark,
should you accept Initiato,
you shall join the Pentaverate,
as learned men have done
for seven centuries.
Behold,
before you is a choice.
Take the key, and you shall join us
in protecting the world.
Take the pill,
and you shall end your life.
Those are my choices?
That's not a lot of wiggle room, huh?
I'm afraid not.
You know,
I think he'll take the key.
Nah, I bet you 100 work units
he takes the pill.
What will be choice?
Will it be "key" or "peele"?
Come on, now.
Okay,
I choose...
to accept the Pentaverate.
The assent has been uttered!
Place the pill inside the key.
Now, let us begin Concludiato.
Well-done, Professor.
Join us.
We're approaching the border.
You're gonna need these fake passports.
Fannie Mae,
Freddie Mac.
Reilly,
are you sure I'm doing the right thing?
I'm scared.
That's how you know
it's the right thing, Ken.
We're gonna get your job back.
Cheese it.
It's the cops. Be cool.
Nothing to see here.
We're just going through.
Just a little nose candy
in my rectal vault, that's all.
Nobody's El Chapo.
Nobody's ISIS.
Passports please.
All right.
Let's expose the Pentaverate!
Holy jumpin'!
Canada is a little fuzzy, eh?
Look how clear it is!
♪ They're coming to America ♪
♪ They're coming to America ♪
♪ They're coming to America today ♪
♪ Today! ♪
♪ Today... ♪
Lord, stop an arsehole.
Look how clear it is!
- ♪ My country 'tis of thee ♪
- ♪ Today! ♪
- ♪ Sweet land of liberty ♪
- ♪ Today! ♪
♪ Of thee I sing ♪
♪ Today! ♪
♪ Of thee I sing ♪
♪ Today! ♪
♪ Today! ♪
♪ Today! ♪
♪ Today ♪
♪ Today ♪
♪ Today ♪