The Outs (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Over It: The Outs Chanukah Special - full transcript
- This must be Mitchell.
- And who must this be?
He's just some guy that...
You know, good for you
cos I don't even care...
- Am I getting promoted?
- We're letting you go.
- Are you being serious right now?
- I'm sorry.
Yeah, well...
- There's something I have to do.
- Sure.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Congrats on the job, mister.
- Thanks, mister.
- What's up?
- I don't want to date you anymore.
Happy birthday.
I miss you.
I don't wanna be your boyfriend.
I'm not good at being your boyfriend.
Hey.
- Fuck you a little bit.
- Fuck me? Fuck you!
- Fuck both of us, I guess.
- Yeah, I guess so.
Thanks.
I am so fucking happy!
I get my favourite hollyday...
Aha...
And... my best friend...
Aha...
I've got you.
I've got you.
What more could I possibly want?
How about...
- One of those?
- Yes, I will take one of those, please!
You're a monster!
Oops...
Don't worry about it.
Where are your roommates?
I like never see them ever.
I don't know. I don't care.
- Where is your boyfriend?
- He's in your room, changing.
- Into what?
- Ha-ha-ha.
- You're very funny people.
- We're very funny people.
What's with all the candles, isn't
it the first night of Chanukah?
- More candles, more fun.
- It's like a rule.
- I don't think this is how Chanukah works.
- Shut your goyish mouth!
- Make me!
- OK...
Go get Drew, it's almost
time to start cooking.
You gonna eat me?
You're gonna eat me alive?
Woof!
Woof though?
Yeah, OK...
Hey!
I'm not decent.
Good!
Hey, little miss thing.
Happy Chanukah.
What did you get me?
- Put that away!
- What did you have in mind?
I love you.
I love you too.
Bullshit.
- It's not bullshit!
- It is bullshit.
Evolving?
He was evolving.
- What does that mean?
- Ok, yes fine.
Fair, but so...
He couldn't just come out on the first day
of his first term as president and say,
"I support gay marriage. "
You can't, he can't...
Why not?
Because politics is why not!
- Am I wrong?
- It's bullshit.
Can you settle this for us, please.
I'm...
Evolving on whether
I think it's bullshit.
Jack Widows, ladies and gentlemen.
Maybe some of us don't
want to get gay married.
I'm not gonna touch that one.
I just need to go to the ATM.
Me too.
Maybe we'll get gay married
while we're out there.
So...
You're Mitchell's date.
So, what's new with you?
The usual, just blogging.
Did you ever hear from...
- The grad school?
- Yeah.
- No, not yet.
- Not yet.
- No.
- No...
What about you?
The Chanukah party!
- Is that still...
- Saturday.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm excited.
The...
The girl who...
My friend who used to host the
party with me isn't coming this year.
And she knows all the prayers,
so I have to learn those.
Right.
Where are you from originally?
Originally?
Where did you grow up?
Vancouver.
But I've been living in
New York since I was five.
My whole family is here and...
I live with my ex.
- That's great.
- No, it's not, promise.
- Oh, sorry.
- It's fine.
How about you?
Do you have any family in New York?
Not... no.
Not no.
I mean, I'm from Illinois, originally.
But my parents split
and I moved all around.
My mom is out west and my
dad is in Main somewhere.
- Then Mitchell is...
- Oh, Mitchell's great!
What about him?
He's cute.
He is, I like this one. Are you
gonna go home with him?
No.
Not tonight.
We're not there quite yet.
Oh my God, they fixed the
buzzer at my apartment finally.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you!
- It feels good.
- Does it? Good.
- It feels right.
- I'm glad.
There was a minute
where we weren't...
couldn't quite be in the same room...
A minute?
A year...
A year.
But he's...
He doesn't always get it... me.
I don't know what I mean exactly.
Is getting it the important part?
What?
In my experience, family
means you are trying to get it.
Right, I don't think he was trying very
hard. I think that was the problem.
But he's been... he's better.
He's trying... He is trying.
- What was the question?
- Whether you have family in New York.
Sounds like you could
have just said yes.
- You're such a pussy.
- I'm not a pussy.
Obviously... obviously I'm a pussy,
but this is not why I'm a pussy.
- What happened?
- Some asshole called me a faggot
at Whole Foods while I was
waiting in line for a salad.
And apparently I'm a bad homosexual
because I didn't stab him in the throat.
- Like at the salad bar.
- I'm not saying you should've stab him.
- You just should've said something.
- I did say something. I said,
Avocado please, sesame dressing.
Thank you, that's all.
And then I left Whole Foods and I ate
my salad. What do you want from me?
I want you to look the next stranger
who calls you a faggot in the eye.
And tell him that he's a
bottom feeding peice of shit.
And that as a faggot, you know how
to do a lot of things to a man's ass.
One of which is kicking.
And that he should sleep
with his third eye open,
because you're coming for
him in his worse nightmare.
And if he has a problem with any of that,
then he can drop and give you 20 blowjobs.
On the spot, in Whole Foods!
- Well...
- That's not always...
Yeah, obviously use your brain.
But if your brain gives you permission
to use your balls, then use those too.
- You should hear him when he's drunk.
- He's not drunk.
Mitchell...
Best part about being gay, you don't
have to be drunk to stick up for yourself.
Shut up!
God, you're so fucking
good with your hands!
And you're so fucking
good with your cock.
Jesus!
Do you like that?
You gonna fucking explode?
Hey guys, it's me.
It's Mitchell.
I need to get through your apartment.
I would be happy to just let you finish,
but I have to be somewhere
in about half an hour.
So if there's a moment for you to just
take a break, I would so appreciate that.
Good morning.
Sleep Ok?
- Great.
- The coach wasn't too...
Comfy... It was super comfy.
You know, I used to do
this sort of... twisting thing.
Sort of...
Please stop, both of you.
- Clockwise, or...
- Doesn't really matter.
Say, goodbye sweety.
- Goodbye, sweety!
- Goodbye, sweety!
Sorry about that.
I am also sorry about that.
It's fine.
Yeah.
Have a good weekend.
- I will, unless I get called into work.
- That sounds frustrating.
- It is frustrating.
- Is it so frustrating that you're gonna...
...fucking explode?
OK, goodbye forever!
I'm never gonna find out how
that handjob ends, am I?
"In the skulls of dead salers lost at sea,
salt water mixes with the cerebral
spinal fluid that surrounds the brain
to form a viscous organic slurry. "
Stop, I'm getting hard again!
"I would rather drink a gallon
of that acry fermented goo
than subject myself to one more glass
of Chateau Fidel Sauvignon Blanc 2006.
A white wine so lacking in character or
charm that I felt physically assaulted
from the moment I tasted it, as if
I had been punched in the tongue.
This is what hate crime
legislation was written for.
Zero corks out of a possible five. "
- Who is the angry person that writes this?
- It's anonymous, nobody knows.
But I'm gonna try and
interview him for work.
The blog is called,
"Wine, wine, wine".
Morning.
Good morning!
You were great last night.
Oh... you were fine.
Hi.
Hi... oh...
He was better.
- Did we...
- Mhm.
- All of us?
- Mhm.
Twice.
I'm gonna go put on my pants.
- You made coffee.
- I did.
I made myself some coffee, but
kind of got a lot of work to do, so...
- Do you want my number?
- No! That's fine.
If I need you I'll just run up to the
roof and turn on the "Frat Signal".
Good luck at NYU!
So I guess that means I should go too.
Oh... uhm...
No, I...
I think I... love you!
I mean, I've just...
I've never felt so...
...satisfied.
I mean sexually.
Yeah, you should go.
Can I get your number?
Probably if you try hard enough.
I haven't updated my privacy settings
since like Herman Cane, so...
Oh... did you mean like
from me, right now?
Have the best weekend!
Men.
I've dated a guy for a minute who
wanted me to spit on him during sex.
- Oh...
- Like just on his face.
- I couldn't do that.
- I couldn't either.
But he couldn't not do it to me.
Like the moment of orgasm, he would just
Kate Winslet and Titanic all over my face!
Oh... splendid.
I think that should be the last
thing you say to me tonight.
Makes sense.
Busy tomorrow?
No.
Just work and stupid stuff.
Do you like your job?
Hey, it's eighteen fifty.
Do I know you?
- What?
- Do I know you?
No.
Do you like designing things?
- Pays the bills.
- Yeah, evidently.
I should go.
Unless you want me to
tuck you in or something.
Tuck me in?
Yeah...
No, I should go.
I don't want to make things weird
with your... ex roommate situation.
I appreciate that.
But... the friend-without-benefits
is out untill midnight, so...
You want me to tuck you in.
Sure.
If it's not too weird.
Well, let's just agree that we were both
wrong about how weird this would be.
- Can we unweird this?
- I don't think so, no.
Come here.
Excuse me.
You want to take your glasses off?
I'll just fall asleep.
OK.
When you said he wasn't gonna be home untill
midnight, did you check what time it was?
- I thought you knew what time it was.
- Why would I know what time it is?
You seem like the kind of guy that
always knows what time it is.
I don't even know what to say to that.
And I wanted you to be in my bed.
Well, I was very impulsive.
I hope you're happy.
Am I gonna have to sneak out of here like
some kind of sneaking, sneaky person?
You can do that.
That's one thing you can do.
Hello?
Is this...
Oh, you're the wine guy.
No, I mean you're a girl,
you're a woman, obviously.
But you're the wine guy...
girl... woman... person.
Yeah, thanks for calling.
Are we good for tonight?
Yes, perfect.
It's Burgain street.
Right.
My boyfriend will be around,
I hope that that's...
Oh... oh good.
I love gay people too.
Or... you know, several of them anyway.
No, I just freelance mostly, so...
You know, working from home.
You know how it is.
Sure, six thirty is great.
White is fine.
Can you even drink wine
recreationally anymore?
Or is that like mixing
business and pleasure?
Hang on one second.
- Hey.
- Hi, Glen.
I'm sorry. Yeah, I just have
your mail, cos I'm downstairs.
- And I figured I'll just drop it all...
- Thank you. You know what?
You should probably, not that we
don't appreciate it, but... stop.
Oh yeah, no totally. So is Jack
home or you guys just...
No, he's at work.
I'm kind of on the phone.
- Oh, sorry. You bussy later you guys...
- Yes.
Oh, OK. Well, I'll just be downstairs if you
guys want to do something this weekend.
- There's a lot of stuff going on.
- Thanks Glen.
- Just text me or whatever.
- OK, I so would but I'm just not going to.
Sorry.
We have this neighbour,
he's a sweet guy.
But we slept with him like one
time and now he's completely...
Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck...
Hey, I'm sorry...
I think I just got into grad school.
- Hi, Oona!
- God, save it Tyler!
- Do you work here?
- Not anymore, thank fucking God!
Well, uhm... do you happen
to know if this wine...
I don't work here. Ask that for help if
you need it. You will be dissapointed.
OK, appologies.
Frink?
It's alright.
Sandy Frink!
I'm so sorry, I really
don't do this, but...
You're totally Nightcrawler, right?
- I'm Alan. My name is Alan.
- I'm Oona... Oona.
Hi.
- What are you doing in Brooklyn?
- I'm just waiting for my boyfriend.
"Invincible!"
Right?
Right...
I love you in "Nashville".
Oh, yeah. I'm not in "Nashville".
I'm in "The Good Wife", is that what
you mean? "Good Wife" on TV?
No, I never saw "The Good Wife".
I'm pretty sure I mean "Nashville".
OK, ok...
Well, wine is for pussies, you
should go to a liquire store.
But you know that, you're irish right?
Scottish, I'm scottish...
Don't get any of these.
Undrinkable... "undrinkable"!
Well, thank you for the...
impersonations of me and...
You're so welcome!
- Do you wanna... could we just get a photo?
- No, I don't want to take a photo with you.
Yeah, oh... that's my phone vibrating.
I have to take a very personal
private call, thank you.
Alan Cummin is in Brooklyn!
...ng, Cumming!
Aha.
Oh, thank God!
Hey, little miss thing!
Hey, little miss thing...
Oh, I'm sorry. Are you alright?
I'm perfect.
Red or white?
- Just get both.
- OK.
Let's get out of here.
Brooklyn is over...
Oh, Oona...
Forgot your card.
Oona?
Yes.
- What, do you two know each other?
- Sort of.
What a tiny little world it is.
- So what, did you go to school together?
- No.
So, what's going on?
It's nice to meet you, Alan.
Drew.
Drew?
Andy.
Everybody calls me Andy now.
That's great. For everybody.
Who is that weird little woman?
Nobody, just some crazy bitch.
You are a shitty dude!
You're the shitties dude I've ever met.
And I've slept with half the
shitty dudes in New York.
I've slept with the other half.
You are such a thoroughly fucking,
broken fucking, empty human being,
that I not only want to punch you in
the throat, I wanna punch your mom!
In the throat!
And I like your mom.
- She is lovely, isn't she.
- Shut up, Alan!
You are the crazy bitch, Andy.
And everyone who ever loves you is fucked!
I would pity you if I wasn't so
bussy imagining you on fire.
And you, Alan Cumming.
I expect better.
- Do you have vodka?
- Oh, yeah.
- A big one, please.
- OK.
Also, I love you in "Nashville".
So, just... ok.
- Can you get a taxi in Brooklyn?
- No.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What a stupid day.
Oh... what was the best part?
- Hey!
- You asked.
How about you?
By the fridge.
No way!
Way apparently.
- Where?
- Iowa.
That's...
I don't even...
It's really exciting.
It's really exciting!
But...
So...
Are you...
I think I have to.
I mean, I want to.
I can't really say no to that.
Who's that?
It's that blogger, the wine chick.
- I thought it was a wine dude.
- No, it's this girl.
I'm interviewing, pouring a
drink, you should hang out.
Yes, sir!
I'll be right back.
Hey...
Hey.
I'm excited.
Me too.
I am.
- Sorry I'm on time.
- Don't worry about it.
I usually try to be a little fashionably
late, but it's really cold outside.
I asked this guy for directions
and the inside of my mouth froze.
What the fuck?
Are you fucking serious with this shit?
So, what app did you clowns meet on?
Is this interview not going to happen?
I'll leave, I should... just leave.
I'm not gonna stop you.
But you know, you're not even the
worst person I've run into today.
What?
Oh...
God, really?
Well, that's horrible.
I haven't planned on running into him again
unless he was on foot and I was in a car.
But...
What a tiny little world it is.
Sorry.
It's not your fault.
I mean this one thing is not your fault.
All the other stuff that's your fault,
that's definitely still your fault.
You know, it's funny as I really liked you.
I wonder where that went.
Should I be defending
your honour here, or...
No, I pretty much deserve it.
I'm gonna go, but...
You should come tomorrow.
- What?
- To the party.
Mitchell said he invited you.
Oh.
Yeah, he did.
I promise I'll just sit
quietly in the corner.
He misses you a lot, Oona.
It's true, he talks about you a lot.
See Jack, here's the thing.
I'm not good at people
like some people are.
- Is that a compliment?
- It's as close as she gets.
I've learned certain things, knowing
Oona as I have low these 25 years.
I don't get along with everyone.
I have high walls and
I'm a little prickly and
that makes me a bitch, right?
And occasionally people get
tired of that, like Mitchell did.
And then they start to loose interest
and then it's not much fun anymore.
And... it wasn't much fun anymore.
And we weren't being very
good friends to each other.
And honestly I'm less interested that
I can express in whatever off-brand
version of friendship Mitchell reserves
for the people he's gotten tired of.
- Wow.
- Oh, don't "Wow" me, Maria von Trapp.
It's like with you two and
this grad school thing.
- I don't...
- Jack doesn't want you to go, obviously.
I mean, nobody wants to date someone
who's going to grad school, it's just
something that some people have to put
up with, like HPV or curcumsised men.
Tell me I'm wrong.
But he's gonna tell you to
go because he likes you.
He's not tired of you, yet.
Because he wants to be
with you, and more than that,
he wants to be with the best version
of you that you could possibly be.
And that's the version that knows
that you can do whatever you want,
like go to grad school.
I forgot how much I
hated when you're right.
I don't mind it, actually.
I told you, I'm bad at people, but
I'm pretty fucking good for them.
Be careful, don't grate
your knuckles or whatever.
I got this, it's my fresh potato rodeo.
You're cute.
You seriously need to change
the code on your door,
or I'm going to sneak in
and change it for you.
And the Happy Chanukah to you too.
You just made it.
Is this everyone?
I told everyone that I invited
and I do mean everyone,
that we're starting at 7 PM sharp.
Motherfuckers be late,
it is not my problem.
- What of the potatos?
- We will cook them later.
Yamakah is on homos.
Did you learn the prayers this time, or...
Oona knows the prayers,
I have been bussy.
I should...
Well... I wonder who that could be.
Hey! Happy brownies.
I mean, Chanukah.
Chanukah brownies, am I right?
- Where were we?
- You still not knowing how to pray.
Oh, right.
- Mitchell, I need...
- Oh, honestly!
You've lured me into your borough
of low rotted lost hope, get me drunk!
- It's good to see you.
- Do it now!
Hi.
Yeah, I'm not complaining,
but you don't know any women?
- You don't know a lesbian?
- Silence.
It's just a little shocking
because you dress like one.
I invited a girl... a woman,
I invited a woman, but she's not
coming apparently
because she's not here.
Mitchell...
I have to read something.
- You have to read something?
- Well, I want to so...
Someone asked me to,
shut up for a second.
"My mother is jewish, my father was not.
According to jewish law, this makes me
what granny Hall would call a real jew.
And yet with a gun at my head
I couldn't tell you what Chanukah
is about, beyond the basics.
A bunch of hebrews need to
keep a lamp lit for some reason
and agains all odds, said lamp stays lid
for an apparently astounding eight days.
Though why this is astounding has
never been entirely clear to me.
- What is this?
- It's this wine blogger, it's great.
I read it this morning.
As for how this relates to wine...
...shut the fuck up, I'm getting there!
I've not been much for Christmas ever since
my dad died under the tree, true story.
But I like free shit as much
as the next tiny child,
so Chanukah was always
a big deal at my place.
But before I could start
tearing up wrapping paper,
my bitch mother would make me
explain every night of Chanukah.
Something I'd learned from the story of
my lighting obsessed jewish ancestors.
I never knew what the fuck the
story was about mostly because
11-year-olds don't know shit.
It is only now in the dull lamp light
of my dodge that I have read,
against its will, some meaning
from this annihilatingly dull parable.
Here then is the point of Chanukah,
as determined by a drunk
half-jew on the internet.
Look around at what you have.
Then close your eyes and think
about the other things you have.
You can't see anything worth having
with your eyes open anyway.
It doesn't matter how you found them and it
doesn't matter how long you hang on to them.
The...
The best and the brightest and the
warmest things end eventually.
You won't have any control over that.
But you have them now
and that means something.
In its own quiet way, that is the miracle.
And here, in case you forgot
to learn it again this year...
...is the blessing for the candles. "
I'll be honest, I hate wine.
And the only wine I ever enjoyed was Menu
Shabbats on Chanukah with my best friends.
See, this is what I'm telling you,
other Jack has no preference.
- That's crazy to me.
- He'll be big spoon or little spoon.
- He just doesn't care.
- He's versatile.
He's a double threat.
- Why am I not a good big spoon?
- You've got these tiny little arms.
- Like a monkey's arms.
- Oh, fuck off!
You make a great little spoon
though. You make those
cute little noises when you're
falling asleep, it's precious.
Do I? I thought I've
stopped doing that.
No, I just stopped caring.
- Boyfriend doesn't mention it.
- He has to me.
He says it's precious.
He's going away.
I know sweety.
I told him I want him to do
what makes him happy.
But secretly I want that to be him staying
here and just laying on top of me all day.
Oh, yew!
But I think even more secretly,
I want him to go away and come back
even smarter than he is right now.
He gets so excited and out of breath when he
explains something complicated, I just die!
I want to make him eggs.
Scruffy has got you
completely dickmatized.
Will you stop calling him that?
- He has a name, you know.
- He has a cute beard is what he has.
Next?
- Coffee please, black.
- Two of those.
Paul Widows does have
a nice ring to it though.
Very funny.
Oh, I'm sorry, are you
gonna take his name?
Please, I'll take his anything.
You are the worst!
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
No problem.
Are you two together?
- Yes.
- No.
Subtitles by Fire Diamond.
- And who must this be?
He's just some guy that...
You know, good for you
cos I don't even care...
- Am I getting promoted?
- We're letting you go.
- Are you being serious right now?
- I'm sorry.
Yeah, well...
- There's something I have to do.
- Sure.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Congrats on the job, mister.
- Thanks, mister.
- What's up?
- I don't want to date you anymore.
Happy birthday.
I miss you.
I don't wanna be your boyfriend.
I'm not good at being your boyfriend.
Hey.
- Fuck you a little bit.
- Fuck me? Fuck you!
- Fuck both of us, I guess.
- Yeah, I guess so.
Thanks.
I am so fucking happy!
I get my favourite hollyday...
Aha...
And... my best friend...
Aha...
I've got you.
I've got you.
What more could I possibly want?
How about...
- One of those?
- Yes, I will take one of those, please!
You're a monster!
Oops...
Don't worry about it.
Where are your roommates?
I like never see them ever.
I don't know. I don't care.
- Where is your boyfriend?
- He's in your room, changing.
- Into what?
- Ha-ha-ha.
- You're very funny people.
- We're very funny people.
What's with all the candles, isn't
it the first night of Chanukah?
- More candles, more fun.
- It's like a rule.
- I don't think this is how Chanukah works.
- Shut your goyish mouth!
- Make me!
- OK...
Go get Drew, it's almost
time to start cooking.
You gonna eat me?
You're gonna eat me alive?
Woof!
Woof though?
Yeah, OK...
Hey!
I'm not decent.
Good!
Hey, little miss thing.
Happy Chanukah.
What did you get me?
- Put that away!
- What did you have in mind?
I love you.
I love you too.
Bullshit.
- It's not bullshit!
- It is bullshit.
Evolving?
He was evolving.
- What does that mean?
- Ok, yes fine.
Fair, but so...
He couldn't just come out on the first day
of his first term as president and say,
"I support gay marriage. "
You can't, he can't...
Why not?
Because politics is why not!
- Am I wrong?
- It's bullshit.
Can you settle this for us, please.
I'm...
Evolving on whether
I think it's bullshit.
Jack Widows, ladies and gentlemen.
Maybe some of us don't
want to get gay married.
I'm not gonna touch that one.
I just need to go to the ATM.
Me too.
Maybe we'll get gay married
while we're out there.
So...
You're Mitchell's date.
So, what's new with you?
The usual, just blogging.
Did you ever hear from...
- The grad school?
- Yeah.
- No, not yet.
- Not yet.
- No.
- No...
What about you?
The Chanukah party!
- Is that still...
- Saturday.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm excited.
The...
The girl who...
My friend who used to host the
party with me isn't coming this year.
And she knows all the prayers,
so I have to learn those.
Right.
Where are you from originally?
Originally?
Where did you grow up?
Vancouver.
But I've been living in
New York since I was five.
My whole family is here and...
I live with my ex.
- That's great.
- No, it's not, promise.
- Oh, sorry.
- It's fine.
How about you?
Do you have any family in New York?
Not... no.
Not no.
I mean, I'm from Illinois, originally.
But my parents split
and I moved all around.
My mom is out west and my
dad is in Main somewhere.
- Then Mitchell is...
- Oh, Mitchell's great!
What about him?
He's cute.
He is, I like this one. Are you
gonna go home with him?
No.
Not tonight.
We're not there quite yet.
Oh my God, they fixed the
buzzer at my apartment finally.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you!
- It feels good.
- Does it? Good.
- It feels right.
- I'm glad.
There was a minute
where we weren't...
couldn't quite be in the same room...
A minute?
A year...
A year.
But he's...
He doesn't always get it... me.
I don't know what I mean exactly.
Is getting it the important part?
What?
In my experience, family
means you are trying to get it.
Right, I don't think he was trying very
hard. I think that was the problem.
But he's been... he's better.
He's trying... He is trying.
- What was the question?
- Whether you have family in New York.
Sounds like you could
have just said yes.
- You're such a pussy.
- I'm not a pussy.
Obviously... obviously I'm a pussy,
but this is not why I'm a pussy.
- What happened?
- Some asshole called me a faggot
at Whole Foods while I was
waiting in line for a salad.
And apparently I'm a bad homosexual
because I didn't stab him in the throat.
- Like at the salad bar.
- I'm not saying you should've stab him.
- You just should've said something.
- I did say something. I said,
Avocado please, sesame dressing.
Thank you, that's all.
And then I left Whole Foods and I ate
my salad. What do you want from me?
I want you to look the next stranger
who calls you a faggot in the eye.
And tell him that he's a
bottom feeding peice of shit.
And that as a faggot, you know how
to do a lot of things to a man's ass.
One of which is kicking.
And that he should sleep
with his third eye open,
because you're coming for
him in his worse nightmare.
And if he has a problem with any of that,
then he can drop and give you 20 blowjobs.
On the spot, in Whole Foods!
- Well...
- That's not always...
Yeah, obviously use your brain.
But if your brain gives you permission
to use your balls, then use those too.
- You should hear him when he's drunk.
- He's not drunk.
Mitchell...
Best part about being gay, you don't
have to be drunk to stick up for yourself.
Shut up!
God, you're so fucking
good with your hands!
And you're so fucking
good with your cock.
Jesus!
Do you like that?
You gonna fucking explode?
Hey guys, it's me.
It's Mitchell.
I need to get through your apartment.
I would be happy to just let you finish,
but I have to be somewhere
in about half an hour.
So if there's a moment for you to just
take a break, I would so appreciate that.
Good morning.
Sleep Ok?
- Great.
- The coach wasn't too...
Comfy... It was super comfy.
You know, I used to do
this sort of... twisting thing.
Sort of...
Please stop, both of you.
- Clockwise, or...
- Doesn't really matter.
Say, goodbye sweety.
- Goodbye, sweety!
- Goodbye, sweety!
Sorry about that.
I am also sorry about that.
It's fine.
Yeah.
Have a good weekend.
- I will, unless I get called into work.
- That sounds frustrating.
- It is frustrating.
- Is it so frustrating that you're gonna...
...fucking explode?
OK, goodbye forever!
I'm never gonna find out how
that handjob ends, am I?
"In the skulls of dead salers lost at sea,
salt water mixes with the cerebral
spinal fluid that surrounds the brain
to form a viscous organic slurry. "
Stop, I'm getting hard again!
"I would rather drink a gallon
of that acry fermented goo
than subject myself to one more glass
of Chateau Fidel Sauvignon Blanc 2006.
A white wine so lacking in character or
charm that I felt physically assaulted
from the moment I tasted it, as if
I had been punched in the tongue.
This is what hate crime
legislation was written for.
Zero corks out of a possible five. "
- Who is the angry person that writes this?
- It's anonymous, nobody knows.
But I'm gonna try and
interview him for work.
The blog is called,
"Wine, wine, wine".
Morning.
Good morning!
You were great last night.
Oh... you were fine.
Hi.
Hi... oh...
He was better.
- Did we...
- Mhm.
- All of us?
- Mhm.
Twice.
I'm gonna go put on my pants.
- You made coffee.
- I did.
I made myself some coffee, but
kind of got a lot of work to do, so...
- Do you want my number?
- No! That's fine.
If I need you I'll just run up to the
roof and turn on the "Frat Signal".
Good luck at NYU!
So I guess that means I should go too.
Oh... uhm...
No, I...
I think I... love you!
I mean, I've just...
I've never felt so...
...satisfied.
I mean sexually.
Yeah, you should go.
Can I get your number?
Probably if you try hard enough.
I haven't updated my privacy settings
since like Herman Cane, so...
Oh... did you mean like
from me, right now?
Have the best weekend!
Men.
I've dated a guy for a minute who
wanted me to spit on him during sex.
- Oh...
- Like just on his face.
- I couldn't do that.
- I couldn't either.
But he couldn't not do it to me.
Like the moment of orgasm, he would just
Kate Winslet and Titanic all over my face!
Oh... splendid.
I think that should be the last
thing you say to me tonight.
Makes sense.
Busy tomorrow?
No.
Just work and stupid stuff.
Do you like your job?
Hey, it's eighteen fifty.
Do I know you?
- What?
- Do I know you?
No.
Do you like designing things?
- Pays the bills.
- Yeah, evidently.
I should go.
Unless you want me to
tuck you in or something.
Tuck me in?
Yeah...
No, I should go.
I don't want to make things weird
with your... ex roommate situation.
I appreciate that.
But... the friend-without-benefits
is out untill midnight, so...
You want me to tuck you in.
Sure.
If it's not too weird.
Well, let's just agree that we were both
wrong about how weird this would be.
- Can we unweird this?
- I don't think so, no.
Come here.
Excuse me.
You want to take your glasses off?
I'll just fall asleep.
OK.
When you said he wasn't gonna be home untill
midnight, did you check what time it was?
- I thought you knew what time it was.
- Why would I know what time it is?
You seem like the kind of guy that
always knows what time it is.
I don't even know what to say to that.
And I wanted you to be in my bed.
Well, I was very impulsive.
I hope you're happy.
Am I gonna have to sneak out of here like
some kind of sneaking, sneaky person?
You can do that.
That's one thing you can do.
Hello?
Is this...
Oh, you're the wine guy.
No, I mean you're a girl,
you're a woman, obviously.
But you're the wine guy...
girl... woman... person.
Yeah, thanks for calling.
Are we good for tonight?
Yes, perfect.
It's Burgain street.
Right.
My boyfriend will be around,
I hope that that's...
Oh... oh good.
I love gay people too.
Or... you know, several of them anyway.
No, I just freelance mostly, so...
You know, working from home.
You know how it is.
Sure, six thirty is great.
White is fine.
Can you even drink wine
recreationally anymore?
Or is that like mixing
business and pleasure?
Hang on one second.
- Hey.
- Hi, Glen.
I'm sorry. Yeah, I just have
your mail, cos I'm downstairs.
- And I figured I'll just drop it all...
- Thank you. You know what?
You should probably, not that we
don't appreciate it, but... stop.
Oh yeah, no totally. So is Jack
home or you guys just...
No, he's at work.
I'm kind of on the phone.
- Oh, sorry. You bussy later you guys...
- Yes.
Oh, OK. Well, I'll just be downstairs if you
guys want to do something this weekend.
- There's a lot of stuff going on.
- Thanks Glen.
- Just text me or whatever.
- OK, I so would but I'm just not going to.
Sorry.
We have this neighbour,
he's a sweet guy.
But we slept with him like one
time and now he's completely...
Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck...
Hey, I'm sorry...
I think I just got into grad school.
- Hi, Oona!
- God, save it Tyler!
- Do you work here?
- Not anymore, thank fucking God!
Well, uhm... do you happen
to know if this wine...
I don't work here. Ask that for help if
you need it. You will be dissapointed.
OK, appologies.
Frink?
It's alright.
Sandy Frink!
I'm so sorry, I really
don't do this, but...
You're totally Nightcrawler, right?
- I'm Alan. My name is Alan.
- I'm Oona... Oona.
Hi.
- What are you doing in Brooklyn?
- I'm just waiting for my boyfriend.
"Invincible!"
Right?
Right...
I love you in "Nashville".
Oh, yeah. I'm not in "Nashville".
I'm in "The Good Wife", is that what
you mean? "Good Wife" on TV?
No, I never saw "The Good Wife".
I'm pretty sure I mean "Nashville".
OK, ok...
Well, wine is for pussies, you
should go to a liquire store.
But you know that, you're irish right?
Scottish, I'm scottish...
Don't get any of these.
Undrinkable... "undrinkable"!
Well, thank you for the...
impersonations of me and...
You're so welcome!
- Do you wanna... could we just get a photo?
- No, I don't want to take a photo with you.
Yeah, oh... that's my phone vibrating.
I have to take a very personal
private call, thank you.
Alan Cummin is in Brooklyn!
...ng, Cumming!
Aha.
Oh, thank God!
Hey, little miss thing!
Hey, little miss thing...
Oh, I'm sorry. Are you alright?
I'm perfect.
Red or white?
- Just get both.
- OK.
Let's get out of here.
Brooklyn is over...
Oh, Oona...
Forgot your card.
Oona?
Yes.
- What, do you two know each other?
- Sort of.
What a tiny little world it is.
- So what, did you go to school together?
- No.
So, what's going on?
It's nice to meet you, Alan.
Drew.
Drew?
Andy.
Everybody calls me Andy now.
That's great. For everybody.
Who is that weird little woman?
Nobody, just some crazy bitch.
You are a shitty dude!
You're the shitties dude I've ever met.
And I've slept with half the
shitty dudes in New York.
I've slept with the other half.
You are such a thoroughly fucking,
broken fucking, empty human being,
that I not only want to punch you in
the throat, I wanna punch your mom!
In the throat!
And I like your mom.
- She is lovely, isn't she.
- Shut up, Alan!
You are the crazy bitch, Andy.
And everyone who ever loves you is fucked!
I would pity you if I wasn't so
bussy imagining you on fire.
And you, Alan Cumming.
I expect better.
- Do you have vodka?
- Oh, yeah.
- A big one, please.
- OK.
Also, I love you in "Nashville".
So, just... ok.
- Can you get a taxi in Brooklyn?
- No.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What a stupid day.
Oh... what was the best part?
- Hey!
- You asked.
How about you?
By the fridge.
No way!
Way apparently.
- Where?
- Iowa.
That's...
I don't even...
It's really exciting.
It's really exciting!
But...
So...
Are you...
I think I have to.
I mean, I want to.
I can't really say no to that.
Who's that?
It's that blogger, the wine chick.
- I thought it was a wine dude.
- No, it's this girl.
I'm interviewing, pouring a
drink, you should hang out.
Yes, sir!
I'll be right back.
Hey...
Hey.
I'm excited.
Me too.
I am.
- Sorry I'm on time.
- Don't worry about it.
I usually try to be a little fashionably
late, but it's really cold outside.
I asked this guy for directions
and the inside of my mouth froze.
What the fuck?
Are you fucking serious with this shit?
So, what app did you clowns meet on?
Is this interview not going to happen?
I'll leave, I should... just leave.
I'm not gonna stop you.
But you know, you're not even the
worst person I've run into today.
What?
Oh...
God, really?
Well, that's horrible.
I haven't planned on running into him again
unless he was on foot and I was in a car.
But...
What a tiny little world it is.
Sorry.
It's not your fault.
I mean this one thing is not your fault.
All the other stuff that's your fault,
that's definitely still your fault.
You know, it's funny as I really liked you.
I wonder where that went.
Should I be defending
your honour here, or...
No, I pretty much deserve it.
I'm gonna go, but...
You should come tomorrow.
- What?
- To the party.
Mitchell said he invited you.
Oh.
Yeah, he did.
I promise I'll just sit
quietly in the corner.
He misses you a lot, Oona.
It's true, he talks about you a lot.
See Jack, here's the thing.
I'm not good at people
like some people are.
- Is that a compliment?
- It's as close as she gets.
I've learned certain things, knowing
Oona as I have low these 25 years.
I don't get along with everyone.
I have high walls and
I'm a little prickly and
that makes me a bitch, right?
And occasionally people get
tired of that, like Mitchell did.
And then they start to loose interest
and then it's not much fun anymore.
And... it wasn't much fun anymore.
And we weren't being very
good friends to each other.
And honestly I'm less interested that
I can express in whatever off-brand
version of friendship Mitchell reserves
for the people he's gotten tired of.
- Wow.
- Oh, don't "Wow" me, Maria von Trapp.
It's like with you two and
this grad school thing.
- I don't...
- Jack doesn't want you to go, obviously.
I mean, nobody wants to date someone
who's going to grad school, it's just
something that some people have to put
up with, like HPV or curcumsised men.
Tell me I'm wrong.
But he's gonna tell you to
go because he likes you.
He's not tired of you, yet.
Because he wants to be
with you, and more than that,
he wants to be with the best version
of you that you could possibly be.
And that's the version that knows
that you can do whatever you want,
like go to grad school.
I forgot how much I
hated when you're right.
I don't mind it, actually.
I told you, I'm bad at people, but
I'm pretty fucking good for them.
Be careful, don't grate
your knuckles or whatever.
I got this, it's my fresh potato rodeo.
You're cute.
You seriously need to change
the code on your door,
or I'm going to sneak in
and change it for you.
And the Happy Chanukah to you too.
You just made it.
Is this everyone?
I told everyone that I invited
and I do mean everyone,
that we're starting at 7 PM sharp.
Motherfuckers be late,
it is not my problem.
- What of the potatos?
- We will cook them later.
Yamakah is on homos.
Did you learn the prayers this time, or...
Oona knows the prayers,
I have been bussy.
I should...
Well... I wonder who that could be.
Hey! Happy brownies.
I mean, Chanukah.
Chanukah brownies, am I right?
- Where were we?
- You still not knowing how to pray.
Oh, right.
- Mitchell, I need...
- Oh, honestly!
You've lured me into your borough
of low rotted lost hope, get me drunk!
- It's good to see you.
- Do it now!
Hi.
Yeah, I'm not complaining,
but you don't know any women?
- You don't know a lesbian?
- Silence.
It's just a little shocking
because you dress like one.
I invited a girl... a woman,
I invited a woman, but she's not
coming apparently
because she's not here.
Mitchell...
I have to read something.
- You have to read something?
- Well, I want to so...
Someone asked me to,
shut up for a second.
"My mother is jewish, my father was not.
According to jewish law, this makes me
what granny Hall would call a real jew.
And yet with a gun at my head
I couldn't tell you what Chanukah
is about, beyond the basics.
A bunch of hebrews need to
keep a lamp lit for some reason
and agains all odds, said lamp stays lid
for an apparently astounding eight days.
Though why this is astounding has
never been entirely clear to me.
- What is this?
- It's this wine blogger, it's great.
I read it this morning.
As for how this relates to wine...
...shut the fuck up, I'm getting there!
I've not been much for Christmas ever since
my dad died under the tree, true story.
But I like free shit as much
as the next tiny child,
so Chanukah was always
a big deal at my place.
But before I could start
tearing up wrapping paper,
my bitch mother would make me
explain every night of Chanukah.
Something I'd learned from the story of
my lighting obsessed jewish ancestors.
I never knew what the fuck the
story was about mostly because
11-year-olds don't know shit.
It is only now in the dull lamp light
of my dodge that I have read,
against its will, some meaning
from this annihilatingly dull parable.
Here then is the point of Chanukah,
as determined by a drunk
half-jew on the internet.
Look around at what you have.
Then close your eyes and think
about the other things you have.
You can't see anything worth having
with your eyes open anyway.
It doesn't matter how you found them and it
doesn't matter how long you hang on to them.
The...
The best and the brightest and the
warmest things end eventually.
You won't have any control over that.
But you have them now
and that means something.
In its own quiet way, that is the miracle.
And here, in case you forgot
to learn it again this year...
...is the blessing for the candles. "
I'll be honest, I hate wine.
And the only wine I ever enjoyed was Menu
Shabbats on Chanukah with my best friends.
See, this is what I'm telling you,
other Jack has no preference.
- That's crazy to me.
- He'll be big spoon or little spoon.
- He just doesn't care.
- He's versatile.
He's a double threat.
- Why am I not a good big spoon?
- You've got these tiny little arms.
- Like a monkey's arms.
- Oh, fuck off!
You make a great little spoon
though. You make those
cute little noises when you're
falling asleep, it's precious.
Do I? I thought I've
stopped doing that.
No, I just stopped caring.
- Boyfriend doesn't mention it.
- He has to me.
He says it's precious.
He's going away.
I know sweety.
I told him I want him to do
what makes him happy.
But secretly I want that to be him staying
here and just laying on top of me all day.
Oh, yew!
But I think even more secretly,
I want him to go away and come back
even smarter than he is right now.
He gets so excited and out of breath when he
explains something complicated, I just die!
I want to make him eggs.
Scruffy has got you
completely dickmatized.
Will you stop calling him that?
- He has a name, you know.
- He has a cute beard is what he has.
Next?
- Coffee please, black.
- Two of those.
Paul Widows does have
a nice ring to it though.
Very funny.
Oh, I'm sorry, are you
gonna take his name?
Please, I'll take his anything.
You are the worst!
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
No problem.
Are you two together?
- Yes.
- No.
Subtitles by Fire Diamond.