The Outs (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Fucking It Up - full transcript
I moved to New York with a guy...
Look, Jack. I know everything got kinda fucked...
I fucked up.
You're poison.
I exploded two and a half years without even really thinking about it.
So, he didn't like come out while he was dating you, right?
Oh no, no. Not him. My ex though...
Do you ever see him? Drew?
Fuck you... still, but... whatever.
Great. Whatever. Goodnight.
-Good Morning, Angels. -Good morning, Charlie!
Jack.
I came back.
Because I felt like an asshole.
Because I'm an asshole.
Drew.
You guys better not be having sex in there.
I guess we can all go home then.
Alarm beeping
They don't seem like they hate each other.
They don't hate each other. They're just making sure they're miserable.
That's different. That happens.
Hey!
I mean, I hear that happens from other, less happy people.
Mitchell says that it's like an old popsicle that you have in your freezer.
And you really like the flavor of the popsicle, but you never feel like eating it.
But you don't throw it away because you know someday, you're really going to want a popsicle.
Gay dudes are weird.
You on at the bar tonight? You've been out so late all week.
Are you on at the bar tonight?
What, I mean Yes. No. I don't know. I think so.
Are you going somewhere?
Temping, just came up. Don't stay in bed all day.
Yes ma'am.
Oh ma'am, you know I like it when you talk to me like I'm an old woman in a Walgreens in Dallas?
Yes ma'am, I do.
Hmmm.
Hmmm.
Bye. Love you.
Yep.
Hey, bitch.
Hey, bitch.
Oona's tonight?
Okay.
Okay...
I mean, yes, I want to go to Oona's.
What do you want me to say?
Nothing.
Isn't it a little early for this?
Hey.
What?
blows kiss
What am I supposed to do with this?
Hang on to it.
blows nose
Oh no. What happened? Was The Voice cancelled already?
No, you evil little cocksucker, my aunt died.
Oh.
Shit. I'm sorry.
Don't be. I'm totally fucking with you... hahaha...
Oh, fuck you, Tye.
My aunt returned to her home planet years ago. I have a cold.
Can I do anything?
I don't think so.
Good, because I don't feel like doing anything.
Hmmm sniff sniff
Do you smell that?
sniffs
No.
sniffs
God, that's disgusting.
Jesus, what?
You simply reek of boy trouble.
Dish.
Dish!
Would you stop saying dish? You are scaring the natives.
I will sneeze in your fucking face. I will do it.
Try it.
It's not gonna happen.
Here it comes. It's coming.
What is... what is this? What is this?
Oh no, it's not happening.
It's not happening.
False alarm. Uhh...
Fine!
sneezes four times rapid fire
Are you even human, or what...what..
Dish!
Frank!
sound of rock being thrown against a window
Frank!
Yo.
Yo.
No, I'm telling you.. I'm telling you... their save the date was this origami crane. No. No, no. It was this turtle.
Yeah. It was like this elaborate, origami turtle.
And if you unfolded it correctly like a QR code and that you would scan with your phone... and that... that would download an App.
And that's how you would RSVP.
Shutup!
That's the only way that you could RSVP chuckles
Did you RSVP?
Oh, I don't have a phone man.
Oh, that would explain the rocks on the window I guess.
Nah, they make you do that because it's romantic.
It's not not romantic.
You want?
Nah, I'm good.
Oh.
I'm sorry dude.
What?
We only don't smoke when you're not getting laid.
scoffs That's not true.
Yeah. When was the last time you smoked?
Uh, I don't know. Friday, I guess. Last Friday.
Yeah, when was the last time you got laid?
Oh, fuck off!
And blow jobs don't count.
Give me the bottle, Frank.
sounds of pulling from a bong
I feel... very... very small.
...uh da da da. Do you want to be with him?
Do I want to be with him?
Like do I want to be in the same space with him? Or do I want to continue being his boyfriend?
Either.
Neither.
Nigh-ther?
Eigh-ther?
Neither.
Maybe the first one. But not the second one. Does that work?
No, it doesn't.
Look, let me set the record gay for you. I'm here for you. I am Doctor fucking painful gay breakup, ok?
I will stock the kitchen with double stuffed Oreos.
I will send you cute winky face emoticons.
I will watch Queer as folk with you. The British one. I don't watch five seasons of Hal Sparks for anyone.
But if you're gonna get over this and go back to him and then act like none of this happened, then I've got work to do.
I want him.
I just don't know where he is right now.
How is this flammable?
I think I'm like... very... deeply unhappy.
I'm sorry, man.
What?
What?
Why... are you... sorry?
You just said you're very deeply unhappy.
Uh, did I?
Totally.
Yeah. And before that, you said you felt very, very small.
Shit.
Look, I feel like i feel I have to shut off my entire brain if I want to be in the same room with him.
Or I will tear his fucking face off.
Ok. that is unspeakably grim.
I know.
It's like the plot of an Alien movie.
With more talking.
Like a lot more talking.
Well, I don't know what to tell you.
You're a mess.
I'm not a mess.
A mess. And you're in a mess.
And I can't tell you to do the hard thing. Unless you want to.
But what I can tell you is that, in my experience, sometimes these incredibly, unbelievably awful, terrible things happen.
And you don't think you'll survive them but you will...
...survive them.
I guess I am a little bit of a mess.
The heart is a muscle, Mitchell.
You exercise it and it gets bigger and stronger.
And one of these day you're gonna have the heart of a rhino.
Thankyou, Tye.
But if you thought I wasn't going to recognize a quote from the Charlie's Angels movie...
Oh phooey!
...then you are out of your little gay mind.
Well it was worth a shot wasn't it Mitchell? It's such a good movie!
He knows it's a good movie.
Is it Mitchell?
Is what Mitchell?
Oh... yeah. It is Mitchell.
I like that guy.
I do too.
I think.
I think.. he doesn't like me... very much.. right now.
Well if you're gonna, you know.
Yeah.
You gotta do it quick. Like a band-aid.
Urgh, shutup.
Straight dudes can't break up for shit.
Dude, I got three sister. I'm only straight 'cause I eat so much pussy.
What is this stuff?
Sylvia Plath.
Sylvia Plath.
'Cause it gets you good and baked.
Hey, bitch.
Hey. I am texting Oona. Her buzzer if fucked.
Ok.
Ok.
Ok ok ok.
Cut it out.
Are you stoned?
No.
Whatever.
You're gonna have to babysit Drew for a little bit.
What? Why?
Because Oona and I are going to a thing down the street.
What thing? I thought we were all doing a thing. Why can't we come?
Beause it's a thing at Troy and Tina's place, ok?
Oh.
We're only going for like an hour.
Would you not freak out?
Stop going to things at Troy and Tina's place.
What, I thought that you'ld be thrilled because you find Drew so hot or whatever.
I didn't say that.
No, I'm sorry. You said that you were 'chemically smitten by him.'
I can't help it.
You could try.
You know what? Maybe you should just fuck him.
Someone should be getting laid somewhere in this god forsaken borough.
Hey. Hey!
Hey what?
It's been two weeks almost tomorrow. But, who's counting?
I went down on you last night.
Blow jobs don't count, Jack.
buzzer buzzes twice
You seriously don't find him attractive?
I don't think of him that way...
...because he is my best friend's boyfriend.
He's like a brother to me. Except I don't know him that well, or like him... very much.
Oh, so if he's like a brother to you are you gonna drunkenly jerk off with him twice or...
Go fuck yourself.
Hey guys.
Hi Drew.
Co'mon in. Oona's just errr... getting dressed.
You like have an erection right now.
You guys should drink.
Pre-game or whatever...
Oona's umm...
Got it.
sighs
Hey, did you, did you...
What?
Could I just...
Come here.
I'm sorry I've been so horrible all the time.
Not all the time.
Most of the time.
Enough of the time.
Sorry.
This is nice.
Hmmm.
It's not working.
I know.
I think we can fix it.
I think we can.
I need you to stop belittling me all the time. Please.
I don't you belittle you all the time.
I'm sorry if you feel like I belittle you.
I sorry if you think that's an apology.
This isn't as nice anymore.
I'm trying. I am trying.
You're fucking it up.
Can I get you gentlemen some lube.
I have failed you if you think this is what gay sex is like.
What's the plan.
Well, we're gonna show up totally sober. And then...we're gonna pretend to be really drunk.
And then we're going to say lot's of really clever things so that they think that we're even more clever than when we actually are when we're sober.
When in actuality we're exactly as stupid as we are in real life.
Yep.
Is that what this is really all about?
Yep. / Yes.
See you in a bit?
Mmmm hmmm.
Well...
Yep.
- I think you mean "crazy bitch."
-What is this? What's going on in here?
-Damn I hate to fly.
-No way. No way. What's with that? Who are you people? Who are you people?
What's up?
It's so interesting. I'm from Arizona.
And in Arizona, the gays are much more...
You East Coast homos never take what you want.
Smoke?
I'm ok.
You sure?
What the fuck.
Thanks.
Usually I don't let guys fuck me.
But I think you'ld really enjoy it. So I'll make an exception.
What?
I mean usually I'm a top, but I just spent like 40 minutes fucking Oona and, you know, nothing.
So, I think you should fuck me.
Heh... right.
What are you doing?
What are you...
Are you gonna do that every time I kiss you? 'Cause I can just not kiss you.
Don't kiss me.
Ok.
Wait, why are you...
Because I want to. And you're up for it. And we have like an hour.
And I look at you and I think about how easy it would be to completely destroy the guilt you think you're feeling right now...
... and replace it with something more fun like pleasure.
I have a great cock by the way.
You've heard.
Should I go on?
You have a girlfriend.
Uh. You can't have a girlfriend, Jack. You can't just like own a woman.
Look, Oona is a blast. She's always cooking. And it sucks...
...so we order out. And she pays every time because she feels bad.
And when I smoke all her weed, Mitchell drags you over here and there's more weed suddenly.
And you act like a retarded child around me because you wanna fuck me. Because everyone wants to fuck me.
I'ld fuck me.
You shouldn't say retarded. It's not politically correct.
Is this about Mitchell?
You mean my boyfriend?
God, for like one minute.
What?
You have like the worst relationship of all time.
Fuck you.
Don't blame me. You're like an old married...
It's worse than that. You're like the same fucked up schizophrenic person.
It's like watching someone punch himself in the face.
Jesus. Stop.
Oh co'mon. Is it possible that you don't understand you're getting dumped?
Like super dumped.
Mitch talks about it all the time basically.
Mitchell. When do you talk to Mitchell?
I don't if I can help it. Oona won't shut up about it though. It's lethal.
He doesn't stop complaining. She's never seen him this unhappy. Blah blah blah...
He's wasting the best part of his 20s on you.
And he wants to put the whole thing on ice, or whatever.
And I feel like as long as your gonna get dumped by that boring idiot...
...who seems to genuinely pretty much despise you anyway...
... might as well let yourself have something that you want.
Am I wrong?
Isn't that better?
Not yet.
heavy breathing noises
-Good morning, Angels.
-Good morning Charlie!
Jack. I'm back.
Fuck.
Your pants are here. Where are my fucking boxers?
... 'cause I felt an asshole.
Put on your fucking pants.
Why?
... 'cause I am an asshole.
What are you doing?
You're an incredibly gorgeous, evil asshole.
What?
Drew?
He'll be better off. Oona will definitely be better off.
You guys better not be having sex in there?
-I guess we can all go home then.
sighs
This is basically exactly what it looks like.
Look, Jack. I know everything got kinda fucked...
I fucked up.
You're poison.
I exploded two and a half years without even really thinking about it.
So, he didn't like come out while he was dating you, right?
Oh no, no. Not him. My ex though...
Do you ever see him? Drew?
Fuck you... still, but... whatever.
Great. Whatever. Goodnight.
-Good Morning, Angels. -Good morning, Charlie!
Jack.
I came back.
Because I felt like an asshole.
Because I'm an asshole.
Drew.
You guys better not be having sex in there.
I guess we can all go home then.
Alarm beeping
They don't seem like they hate each other.
They don't hate each other. They're just making sure they're miserable.
That's different. That happens.
Hey!
I mean, I hear that happens from other, less happy people.
Mitchell says that it's like an old popsicle that you have in your freezer.
And you really like the flavor of the popsicle, but you never feel like eating it.
But you don't throw it away because you know someday, you're really going to want a popsicle.
Gay dudes are weird.
You on at the bar tonight? You've been out so late all week.
Are you on at the bar tonight?
What, I mean Yes. No. I don't know. I think so.
Are you going somewhere?
Temping, just came up. Don't stay in bed all day.
Yes ma'am.
Oh ma'am, you know I like it when you talk to me like I'm an old woman in a Walgreens in Dallas?
Yes ma'am, I do.
Hmmm.
Hmmm.
Bye. Love you.
Yep.
Hey, bitch.
Hey, bitch.
Oona's tonight?
Okay.
Okay...
I mean, yes, I want to go to Oona's.
What do you want me to say?
Nothing.
Isn't it a little early for this?
Hey.
What?
blows kiss
What am I supposed to do with this?
Hang on to it.
blows nose
Oh no. What happened? Was The Voice cancelled already?
No, you evil little cocksucker, my aunt died.
Oh.
Shit. I'm sorry.
Don't be. I'm totally fucking with you... hahaha...
Oh, fuck you, Tye.
My aunt returned to her home planet years ago. I have a cold.
Can I do anything?
I don't think so.
Good, because I don't feel like doing anything.
Hmmm sniff sniff
Do you smell that?
sniffs
No.
sniffs
God, that's disgusting.
Jesus, what?
You simply reek of boy trouble.
Dish.
Dish!
Would you stop saying dish? You are scaring the natives.
I will sneeze in your fucking face. I will do it.
Try it.
It's not gonna happen.
Here it comes. It's coming.
What is... what is this? What is this?
Oh no, it's not happening.
It's not happening.
False alarm. Uhh...
Fine!
sneezes four times rapid fire
Are you even human, or what...what..
Dish!
Frank!
sound of rock being thrown against a window
Frank!
Yo.
Yo.
No, I'm telling you.. I'm telling you... their save the date was this origami crane. No. No, no. It was this turtle.
Yeah. It was like this elaborate, origami turtle.
And if you unfolded it correctly like a QR code and that you would scan with your phone... and that... that would download an App.
And that's how you would RSVP.
Shutup!
That's the only way that you could RSVP chuckles
Did you RSVP?
Oh, I don't have a phone man.
Oh, that would explain the rocks on the window I guess.
Nah, they make you do that because it's romantic.
It's not not romantic.
You want?
Nah, I'm good.
Oh.
I'm sorry dude.
What?
We only don't smoke when you're not getting laid.
scoffs That's not true.
Yeah. When was the last time you smoked?
Uh, I don't know. Friday, I guess. Last Friday.
Yeah, when was the last time you got laid?
Oh, fuck off!
And blow jobs don't count.
Give me the bottle, Frank.
sounds of pulling from a bong
I feel... very... very small.
...uh da da da. Do you want to be with him?
Do I want to be with him?
Like do I want to be in the same space with him? Or do I want to continue being his boyfriend?
Either.
Neither.
Nigh-ther?
Eigh-ther?
Neither.
Maybe the first one. But not the second one. Does that work?
No, it doesn't.
Look, let me set the record gay for you. I'm here for you. I am Doctor fucking painful gay breakup, ok?
I will stock the kitchen with double stuffed Oreos.
I will send you cute winky face emoticons.
I will watch Queer as folk with you. The British one. I don't watch five seasons of Hal Sparks for anyone.
But if you're gonna get over this and go back to him and then act like none of this happened, then I've got work to do.
I want him.
I just don't know where he is right now.
How is this flammable?
I think I'm like... very... deeply unhappy.
I'm sorry, man.
What?
What?
Why... are you... sorry?
You just said you're very deeply unhappy.
Uh, did I?
Totally.
Yeah. And before that, you said you felt very, very small.
Shit.
Look, I feel like i feel I have to shut off my entire brain if I want to be in the same room with him.
Or I will tear his fucking face off.
Ok. that is unspeakably grim.
I know.
It's like the plot of an Alien movie.
With more talking.
Like a lot more talking.
Well, I don't know what to tell you.
You're a mess.
I'm not a mess.
A mess. And you're in a mess.
And I can't tell you to do the hard thing. Unless you want to.
But what I can tell you is that, in my experience, sometimes these incredibly, unbelievably awful, terrible things happen.
And you don't think you'll survive them but you will...
...survive them.
I guess I am a little bit of a mess.
The heart is a muscle, Mitchell.
You exercise it and it gets bigger and stronger.
And one of these day you're gonna have the heart of a rhino.
Thankyou, Tye.
But if you thought I wasn't going to recognize a quote from the Charlie's Angels movie...
Oh phooey!
...then you are out of your little gay mind.
Well it was worth a shot wasn't it Mitchell? It's such a good movie!
He knows it's a good movie.
Is it Mitchell?
Is what Mitchell?
Oh... yeah. It is Mitchell.
I like that guy.
I do too.
I think.
I think.. he doesn't like me... very much.. right now.
Well if you're gonna, you know.
Yeah.
You gotta do it quick. Like a band-aid.
Urgh, shutup.
Straight dudes can't break up for shit.
Dude, I got three sister. I'm only straight 'cause I eat so much pussy.
What is this stuff?
Sylvia Plath.
Sylvia Plath.
'Cause it gets you good and baked.
Hey, bitch.
Hey. I am texting Oona. Her buzzer if fucked.
Ok.
Ok.
Ok ok ok.
Cut it out.
Are you stoned?
No.
Whatever.
You're gonna have to babysit Drew for a little bit.
What? Why?
Because Oona and I are going to a thing down the street.
What thing? I thought we were all doing a thing. Why can't we come?
Beause it's a thing at Troy and Tina's place, ok?
Oh.
We're only going for like an hour.
Would you not freak out?
Stop going to things at Troy and Tina's place.
What, I thought that you'ld be thrilled because you find Drew so hot or whatever.
I didn't say that.
No, I'm sorry. You said that you were 'chemically smitten by him.'
I can't help it.
You could try.
You know what? Maybe you should just fuck him.
Someone should be getting laid somewhere in this god forsaken borough.
Hey. Hey!
Hey what?
It's been two weeks almost tomorrow. But, who's counting?
I went down on you last night.
Blow jobs don't count, Jack.
buzzer buzzes twice
You seriously don't find him attractive?
I don't think of him that way...
...because he is my best friend's boyfriend.
He's like a brother to me. Except I don't know him that well, or like him... very much.
Oh, so if he's like a brother to you are you gonna drunkenly jerk off with him twice or...
Go fuck yourself.
Hey guys.
Hi Drew.
Co'mon in. Oona's just errr... getting dressed.
You like have an erection right now.
You guys should drink.
Pre-game or whatever...
Oona's umm...
Got it.
sighs
Hey, did you, did you...
What?
Could I just...
Come here.
I'm sorry I've been so horrible all the time.
Not all the time.
Most of the time.
Enough of the time.
Sorry.
This is nice.
Hmmm.
It's not working.
I know.
I think we can fix it.
I think we can.
I need you to stop belittling me all the time. Please.
I don't you belittle you all the time.
I'm sorry if you feel like I belittle you.
I sorry if you think that's an apology.
This isn't as nice anymore.
I'm trying. I am trying.
You're fucking it up.
Can I get you gentlemen some lube.
I have failed you if you think this is what gay sex is like.
What's the plan.
Well, we're gonna show up totally sober. And then...we're gonna pretend to be really drunk.
And then we're going to say lot's of really clever things so that they think that we're even more clever than when we actually are when we're sober.
When in actuality we're exactly as stupid as we are in real life.
Yep.
Is that what this is really all about?
Yep. / Yes.
See you in a bit?
Mmmm hmmm.
Well...
Yep.
- I think you mean "crazy bitch."
-What is this? What's going on in here?
-Damn I hate to fly.
-No way. No way. What's with that? Who are you people? Who are you people?
What's up?
It's so interesting. I'm from Arizona.
And in Arizona, the gays are much more...
You East Coast homos never take what you want.
Smoke?
I'm ok.
You sure?
What the fuck.
Thanks.
Usually I don't let guys fuck me.
But I think you'ld really enjoy it. So I'll make an exception.
What?
I mean usually I'm a top, but I just spent like 40 minutes fucking Oona and, you know, nothing.
So, I think you should fuck me.
Heh... right.
What are you doing?
What are you...
Are you gonna do that every time I kiss you? 'Cause I can just not kiss you.
Don't kiss me.
Ok.
Wait, why are you...
Because I want to. And you're up for it. And we have like an hour.
And I look at you and I think about how easy it would be to completely destroy the guilt you think you're feeling right now...
... and replace it with something more fun like pleasure.
I have a great cock by the way.
You've heard.
Should I go on?
You have a girlfriend.
Uh. You can't have a girlfriend, Jack. You can't just like own a woman.
Look, Oona is a blast. She's always cooking. And it sucks...
...so we order out. And she pays every time because she feels bad.
And when I smoke all her weed, Mitchell drags you over here and there's more weed suddenly.
And you act like a retarded child around me because you wanna fuck me. Because everyone wants to fuck me.
I'ld fuck me.
You shouldn't say retarded. It's not politically correct.
Is this about Mitchell?
You mean my boyfriend?
God, for like one minute.
What?
You have like the worst relationship of all time.
Fuck you.
Don't blame me. You're like an old married...
It's worse than that. You're like the same fucked up schizophrenic person.
It's like watching someone punch himself in the face.
Jesus. Stop.
Oh co'mon. Is it possible that you don't understand you're getting dumped?
Like super dumped.
Mitch talks about it all the time basically.
Mitchell. When do you talk to Mitchell?
I don't if I can help it. Oona won't shut up about it though. It's lethal.
He doesn't stop complaining. She's never seen him this unhappy. Blah blah blah...
He's wasting the best part of his 20s on you.
And he wants to put the whole thing on ice, or whatever.
And I feel like as long as your gonna get dumped by that boring idiot...
...who seems to genuinely pretty much despise you anyway...
... might as well let yourself have something that you want.
Am I wrong?
Isn't that better?
Not yet.
heavy breathing noises
-Good morning, Angels.
-Good morning Charlie!
Jack. I'm back.
Fuck.
Your pants are here. Where are my fucking boxers?
... 'cause I felt an asshole.
Put on your fucking pants.
Why?
... 'cause I am an asshole.
What are you doing?
You're an incredibly gorgeous, evil asshole.
What?
Drew?
He'll be better off. Oona will definitely be better off.
You guys better not be having sex in there?
-I guess we can all go home then.
sighs
This is basically exactly what it looks like.