The Outlaws (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode #2.4 - full transcript
Oh, my God. What happened?
A little warning from The Dean.
How's it coming with the money?
We've only got two weeks left.
Yep, we're on target,
it's the final push
but, um...
..we're low on stock.
Of what?
Everything.
Even crack?
It's our bestseller.
Professionals, clubbers,
students, they love it.
Yeah. It can get you like that.
OK, so how do we replenish stock?
You need some fresh ingredients
and a cook.
I'll arrange it. Well done.
I'm impressed.
The Brook Hill crew is
nominally run
by this man,
Christian Taylor.
Taylor's currently inside
for violating the terms
of his probation.
So who's in charge now?
His lieutenants?
Unclear. Souljah's gone to ground,
and Spider was shot and injured by
persons unknown.
Have you spoken to him? We have.
He's still so weak he could barely
answer our questions let alone run
any kind of crew.
Do we know how Brook Hill is
structured?
Like most local crews,
we think they've got
a network of foot soldiers who are
young and highly mobile.
I thought I might go
and see Mum later.
Oh. Well, say hi from me.
You could come, she'd like that.
Normally I'd be in like Flynn,
but sadly, I got a thing.
Do you not feel like
you owe Mum a visit?
Absolutely. It's on my list.
Right at the top.
Brook Hill is plugged into
the local community.
Though we believe they have ties to
this major London player, The Dean.
Well, that means Brook Hill has
to get profits back
to London, which means a bagman.
Any leads?
Not yet, but The Dean's been at the
top level for years,
so anyone moving money
for him will be one slick operator.
I don't like broccoli.
You can't live entirely off
Tangy Cheese Doritos.
You need fruit and veg in your diet
if you want to love again.
Why? All right, supposing you go
round to Anne-Marie's house
and she's made you a nice salad.
I'll just pretend to have a stroke.
How about...an olive?
Oh, fuck off!
We've identified a kid -
Carter, 17 -
we know he's running
for Brook Hill.
We need four plainclothes in one
week to run surveillance on him.
No. I don't have the manpower.
Sir, if we sit on this kid
for long enough, whoever's running
Brook Hill will show their face.
Two people, 48 hours.
Three people, 72 hours.
Fine. But I want pictures
on my desk in three days.
You better watch yourself.
The Feds was here asking about
The Dean.
They know someone's running my end,
so look sharp.
OK.
You got to leave right now?
Yeah. What?
If you go,
I got to go back to my cell
and talk to Hank,
and he ain't exactly
Graham Norton, you know?
Can...can we just talk?
OK.
What do you want to...talk about?
Anything.
Why did you become a drug dealer?
The pension plan.
Aren't you scared of getting hurt?
My dad never broke the law once.
He was a welder all his life.
What did he get
for all his honest hard work?
Chronic lung disease from
the fumes.
Why didn't you stay in school,
get an education?
If your family couldn't afford
to put food on the table
and someone offered you
a chance to make money,
what would you choose?
Dealing, or double maths?
Following an extensive
community needs assessment,
we have a strategy that's in
line with
the city's economic action
plan. Slide.
When I say, "Slide," Susie,
jump to the next slide.
What are you doing?
Prepping for the Town Hall tonight.
You can stand down, love,
I'll be doing the talking.
You don't know how
to work PowerPoint.
We don't need slides,
we need passion.
This isn't rabble-rousing.
We need to convince
the council that we have
the financial nous to take over
the community centre.
You have never
done a Town Hall, love.
You've got to win the crowd.
It is war.
Maybe we should put it to
the group.
Claire,
although I fully support
the democratic process,
in this instance, kindly do one.
I will be speaking at the meeting.
Oh, my God. Lara's back on Her.
Am I supposed
to know what that means?
Er, OK. Um, Lara,
Lara is my ex,
and Her is-is-is
a lesbian dating site,
which means that she's single again.
I don't know what to do. I mean,
should I DM her? I should probably
DM her, right? I mean, is it weird
if I DM her? I don't know, I mean,
I think it would be weirder if
I didn't DM her, is that right? What
do I do, Greg? Have you thought
about DM'ing her? You really think I
should? I mean, last time I saw her,
I royally shat the nest. Well,
you're in a better place now. Yeah.
Emotionally, not physically.
I mean, your place was way nicer.
Yeah. Are you on the apps?
Oof! No. Need a full body or brain
transplant before
an internet lady found
me attractive.
That's nonsense. You should, you
should definitely be on the apps.
Really? You think so?
Yeah... Yeah, you should.
I mean, look, we...
..we need to work on
a few things first, but...
Like what?
Well, your diet,
posture, conversation,
wardrobe, general aura and height.
My height?
Yeah. You're just...
You're too tall.
You loom over people and it's...
How can I change that?
You could be in the distance more.
Sure, I'll try that. OK.
Hmm. I'm going to make you my
new project.
Greg 2.0.
I'm going to sign you up to all of
the dating apps, so...
..commit to change,
choose happiness,
and eat the broccolini.
POT BUBBLES
Careful, it's hot. OK.
Mmm. That's amazing.
Yeah? Mmm, thank you. Um,
I spoke to my parents.
OK. You ask about the loan?
No.
No?
It's just a bit difficult
cos, you know,
all the money they saved was
for me to go to Oxford.
OK. You're not getting cold feet
about Weston, are you?
No.
No, I...I...
..I just want to approach it
really carefully,
you know? Um,
so I told them we'd come over,
bring dinner, then once they've
sampled your yummy food, then we'd
bring up the loan.
OK. Is that OK? Yeah. You sure?
Yes. OK.
Can you just add a bit more chilli?
Cos Dad likes it hot.
Yeah? Yeah. So do I.
Eww!
Go to your room!
Go to YOUR room!
Es, how would you like to move
to Weston with us,
to open a food shack,
start selling my food?
Why would people pay for your food?
Cos it's different.
Come on, Es.
Don't you want to live by the beach?
You know, sun, sea, donkeys.
More people are killed by donkeys
every year than die in
plane crashes.
So...is that a yes?
Fine. But if a donkey
even looks at me funny,
I'm moving back to Bristol.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, madam, this is private
property.
For your own safety, I'm going to
have to ask you
to step on to the pavement, please.
OK. Legally, we are now safe.
How can I help?
Right, well, I live at number 14,
just across the road.
You look like you're in charge.
Your eyes do not deceive you.
I thought I should let
you know that of
an evening there's often comings
and goings in the centre.
What, post-6pm?
Yes. Sometimes late into the night.
Can I take your name, please?
Barbara Latham.
I'm not being nosey or nothing,
I just thought it was
a bit odd, you know? It's been empty
for so long and then...
Can you describe these comings
and goings, please, Barbara?
Not really, I'd need to move my sofa
to get a proper look.
That would be great, if you could.
Sofa's quite heavy, though,
and I'm on my own.
Right, well, you've got to bend at
the knees, you see?
Really engage the core.
Use the breath.
Breathe in. Lift. OK?
Oi.
Yeah? Get a good vantage point.
Take photos. Have you got a
telephoto lens? No.
No? Well you can
pick 'em up cheap on eBay,
OK? Look,
if you see
anything suspicious, call me.
Right.
Shouldn't I call the police?
Read the card, Barbara.
I'm a Trainee Police Community
Support Officer.
Round here, I am the law,
OK? Unless you get mugged
or raped,
in which case, call the real police.
I need you three
to pick up supplies for me.
Supplies? Of what?
Raw product.
Then bring it here tonight,
where a cook will cook it.
Ready for sale.
Why do we have to do that?
Because look at you -
no-one will suspect you.
Well, why can't you do it? Because I
have to drive around intimidating
little children that work for us.
Would you rather do that?
I don't want to do that, I don't
know anything about buying drugs.
Could you just figure it out?!
No-one taught me how to run
a drug empire in school, either.
I'd love to help,
but I promised my daughter
I'd visit my ex-wife.
If we're cooking crack cocaine,
YOU'RE cooking crack cocaine.
Nah, leave him, leave him.
He's fixing things with his family.
That's important. Yeah.
OK, so I'm signing you up
for Tinder.
No, I don't want to be one
of those sad, desperate losers
on a dating app.
All right, fine. I'll delete it.
I guess it is just a load of people
looking for meaningless sex. Well,
I suppose I could give it one go.
No Greg, I think you're right.
I think we should ease you in more
gently. Maybe Eharmony?
Isn't that mainly over-50s?
Yeah.
How old do you think I am?
We'll need a sexy profile pic.
Have you got any photos
of you on holiday,
or maybe with a cute animal?
Ooh, yeah. I've got a nice one of me
on Clacton Beach with a dead squid.
Three, two, one, go!
CAMERA APP CLICKS
Oh, yeah, I mean...
maybe take your glasses off?
Glasses off? Yeah, rock and roll.
Yeah. Absolutely. OK. Aww. Smile.
You look like a Victorian
child-catcher.
Let's try a pout, OK?
So, say, "Prunes."
Ooh, you look like someone's
doing something
to you without your consent.
Greg, just...
I'm out of my depth here.
If I can't even pose for a photo,
what am I going to be like on a
real date?
SHE SIGHS
Maybe I can change the filter.
Yeah? Can you filter out
middle-aged and desperation?
No. But that's a great idea for
an app.
I'm getting Greg back on
the dating horse
and he needs a bit of practice.
And this affects me how?
Would you go on a
trial date with him? What?
You know, just to report back,
let me know how he does,
so that we can iron out any wrinkles
before he goes on any real dates.
Definitely not.
I find Greg not only unattractive
but sexually repugnant.
No offence taken.
Mmm. You see, the thing is, Diane,
I need a woman I can trust to give
me an independent
heterosexual female
assessment of Greg's behaviour.
I can't be seen socialising with
criminals. I mean,
not only am I his community
support supervisor,
I'm also a trainee PCSO now.
But I need, you know,
a dating detective.
Do you need fingerprints?
DNA? Swab of the foreskin?
Whatever you think is useful,
but you would be doing me
a massive solid.
Go on, then.
But only for the purposes
of research.
Fabulous, thank you.
I owe you one, darling.
I'll pick you up at 19:00 hours. Oh,
would you mind if he picks you up,
just to keep it more traditional?
I'll allow it. Don't be late.
No, ma'am.
THEY CHAT
It must be so boring being
a drug runner.
Sitting around and doing...nothing.
Just...waiting and keeping lookout.
I'd be so bored.
Nope, grey.
What are we looking for?
We are looking for
a green Volkswagen Golf,
and the driver has
a scar underneath his left eye.
Jesus. Of course he does.
Jesus. This is not happening.
I'm a middle-aged bloke with a wife
and two kids, you know.
I should be bleeding radiators or
creosoting a shed,
not sat here waiting to pick up
a kilo of uncut shitting cocaine!
Forget it. Not doing it. Too late.
Shit. Oh, shit. Shit!
What do we do now? What do we do?
I don't know!
I'll just consult my black-person
manual, shall I?
"Car Park Drug Deals -
chapter five."
Oh, window. Oh, shit,
we're doing this. Oh, fuck my life.
Hello, all right? Yo.
Is it G... Are you G?
Good afternoon, officer.
No, I'm not...I'm not a policeman.
No? What do you do, then?
Me? Well, I'm...
I'm between jobs at the moment
because no-one's hiring a white,
middle-aged bloke these days,
are they?
Unless you're disabled or a
transgender vegan that's...
Not...not...not now. Not now?
You got the four bags?
No, cos I think we're
buying them from you.
Bag o' sand, grand.
Four grand. You got the four grand?
We're from Bristol.
We don't do rhyming slang.
Wait, if you call a grand
a bag of sand,
just interested, what do you
call a bag of sand?
You got the money?
Yeah.
Shit, man!
Don't wave it around like
a game show host!
Put it in something!
Er, have a look in the
glove compartment.
Anything?
No. Just some middle-of-the-road
white man music
and an underwear catalogue that
seems to be catering
for women with a fuller bust.
What is this? Porn for cowards?
Just my wife's.
It's OK. I've got an envelope.
An envelope. I've got an envelope.
There we go.
No!
Right. You've put the money in?
I've done... Yeah.
Get out... Yeah. ..and pretend to
drop your keys. Drop your keys.
Leave the money on
the front-right tyre.
He said, leave the money on
the front-right tyre.
Then walk inside, get a coffee.
He said, go get a coff...
I don't drink coffee.
It makes me all kinds of wired.
Is peppermint tea OK?
Listen
It don't matter what you drink.
Just go away, come back in ten,
and the product will be where
the money is. You get me, right?
Yeah.
Go, then.
Oh... Butterfingers!
I've got 'em.
Come on... We're coming. We're
coming. Oh, my God, it's there. OK.
So, I have to...
Oh. Do you know,
I do not know what's wrong
with me today.
Just wait, wait, wait. Jesus Christ!
Hey, Mum.
Look who's come to see you.
Hey, Lou.
Does she even know we're here?
She doesn't talk any more,
so we don't know how much
she knows.
Frank is going to
take you for a walk today.
Nice wheels you got there.
Little different
from that Alfa Romeo we used
to skip around in.
Remember that time we drove all
the way to London just
to see the sun rise over
Tower Bridge?
We broke down on
the freeway coming back.
I flagged down that guy,
persuaded him to swap his
Hillman for the Alfa Romeo.
I wo...I wonder if he ever made
it home.
I'm sorry...I didn't visit earlier.
I've been busy.
Remind me of the brief again?
Just choose an outfit you think
will make a good first impression
on a first date. Oh, I got it.
Leather trousers?
Yeah. I read in
GQ Magazine that every man should
have at least one peacocking item
that really makes him stand out.
Right, right.
But you've...you've paired
the leather trousers
with loafers and a shirt and tie?
I have, yeah,
yeah. Adding a bit of class.
You look like the
Hell's Angels' accountant.
Thank you. Greg, that's not a
compliment. It doesn't work.
Why not?
Jim Morrison - regional manager
of a Morrisons.
Come on!
SIREN WAILS
Does he want me to pull over?
You can't. What? Don't pull over!
No, he's... Shit!
Shit! You've got
a kilo of coke in your bag!
Oh, this is not happening!
What do we do? Stay calm!
What happens, though? You just have
to act like you have not got a care
in the world. Oh...!
RADIO: # You're beautiful,
you're beautiful
# You're beautiful, it's true
# I saw your face
in a crowded space... #
Can you turn the music down
please, sir?
# And I don't know... #
Sure, sorry.
HE LOWERS VOLUME
Is there a problem, officer?
You were doing 40 in
a 30mph zone.
Do you know, I literally didn't know
that that was a 30.
I assume you understand
the dangers of driving over
the speed limit in a built-up area?
Listen,
I know that Highway Code like
the back of my hand. Licence.
Sorry.
Are you all right?
Yeah.
He just prides himself on being
a really good driver.
He's a bit embarrassed.
Hopefully, three points
and a 100-quid fine will make him be
a bit more careful in the future.
Three points?!
One minute.
Three points?! Are you...?
You should be out there catching
criminals, mate. Three points!
Thank you, Officer,
and once again, we are really sorry!
Three points.
That is...that is madness!
Would you rather have 20 years in
jail for drug-dealing?
You all right?
No, I feel... Oh...
I feel like I can't breathe.
Oh, God. You're hyperventilating.
Hold on.
Oh, God.
Myrna, seriously, I'm...
Take that. Breathe into that.
Better?
It's bloody plastic!
Just take small breaths and try
and stay calm.
I don't like it, Myrna.
Right. Here we go. Try some of that.
It is herbal, it will calm
you down.
What the f...?! No! What is that?!
You're supposed to dab some behind
your ears! Oh, for Christ's sake!
Oh, Christ's sake, Myrna!
Oh, God!
Bad luck, Reg.
Come on, Stanley.
Bad luck, fellas.
Want to go again?
Oh, seriously? You're unbelievable.
Dennis here
is the unbelievable one.
Three winning shots on
the bounce.
I think he's hustling me.
So, you can't even spend
half an hour with her?
Margie,
she has no idea what's happening.
Do you even understand why
that's wrong?
I have to level with you.
Seeing her like this
makes me feel bad.
It isn't about you. When she got
sick, you never visited her,
you just pretended she didn't exist.
Well, she does exist,
and if seeing her makes you feel
bad, then that's tough!
Whoa.
Mum?
Mum?!
Get a...get a nurse!
Hello, Rani.
Hello, Mum.
Come in, come in.
Shoes off at the door, please.
Yeah, sure.
I don't want any scratches on
my floor.
There are no scratches on the floor.
Because it's shoes off at
the door!
Please, put on some slippers.
You can wear an old pair of mine.
Yeah, you don't have to wear those.
No, I've...I've never had a pair of
slippers before. Oh.
They're...they're lush.
Oh, good.
I hope you're hungry.
Oh, yes! Please,
it's through there.
Thank you.
Evening, Diane. You look nice.
19:03.
Subject is three minutes late
and did not,
I repeat, not bring
flowers. Breathe.
Breath, adequate.
SHE SNIFFS
Aftershave, vinegary.
You going to do this all night?
As I see fit.
I just think it might ruin
the mood.
Subject questions methodology of
the adjudicator.
Bye, Mum!
Subject picks up hot date in
a beige 2012 Skoda Octavia.
Makes him look like
a Bulgarian minicab driver.
Vehicle interior smells
like balls and Glade.
Happy to go?
Yeah, let's get this over with.
Oh, I'm going to
have to crack a window.
DOG BARKS
Sorry, sorry.
You're not what I expected.
You're late.
Sorry, yeah.
We just...we just had a bit of a
run-in with the...
Traffic. With the traffic on the M4.
You know what the traffic can be
like on the M4.
My mum's the best cook in
the South West.
She's Michelin-starred.
It's rude to keep her waiting.
Sorry, let's...let's crack on,
shall we? No pun intended.
It's just through
those double doors up there.
John, there is a meeting tonight
which I cannot miss. Cop hold.
What do you mean,
there is a meeting?
You can't leave me
with these people.
They seem nice.
They seem...? Myrna,
these people cook crack for
a living!
I'll only be an hour!
I don't want to do this on my own!
Look, I know that today has been
rather stressful.
Stressful?!
I will be back in an hour.
I promise. Got to go.
Listen. Listen...
Myrns!
You've not done this before,
have you?
Can you tell?
You don't look like someone who
usually deals crack.
What do you need the money for?
Gambling debts?
Big divorce settlement?
A London gangster wants to kill me.
SHE CHUCKLES
Classic.
POURS LIQUID
Calm your nerves.
Cheers.
Cheers.
What's your name?
COUGHS: John. Yours?
Anastasia.
Really?
No.
Never use your real name, John.
First rule of crack-dealing.
That's nice, innit?
Would you like another drink?
Yeah, definitely.
SHE WHISTLES
Excuse me.
Can I have another Grolsch
for me, and a white wine spritzer
for him?
SHE SIGHS
Why don't you ask me
some questions?
Questions, yeah. Good idea, yeah.
What is your favourite colour,
please?
This is a date,
not a Smash Hits interview.
Just ask me an adult question.
Have you ever had a threesome?
No, not like an
adult movie question.
And, yeah, I have.
Didn't enjoy it. Too much talking.
Just ask me a normal question from
one person to another.
Do you have any hobbies?
No. I don't have time
for hobbies.
Too busy training as a PCSO.
Oh, yeah. How's that going?
Yeah, it's awesome.
Incapacitant spray training last
week. That was a highlight.
What does that involve?
This. Pepper spray.
They spray it on our faces
so we know what it feels like.
They issue you with this, do they?
Oh, God. No, no.
Pepper spray is illegal.
So, where did you get that?
Next question.
It's good to see you.
Yeah, yeah, you too, you too.
And you're drinking water?
I'm...I'm completely off
the booze now. Like, for real this
time. That's great.
Yeah, yeah. Oh,
and the drugs and, yeah,
I got rid of all the hangers-on,
you know?
Just realised that they were
actually just taking the piss.
Look, Lara, I...I...
..I want you to know that I have
completely sorted myself out
and, well, I...I saw that
you're...you're on Her,
and I thought maybe
you might want to try again.
Gabby...
I'm completely clean, I promise.
I mean, I don't touch a thing now,
not even on weekends or on
special occasions.
That's great. Yeah.
I'm pleased for you, really,
I am.
But I forgot
to remove my profile from Her.
I'm not single.
I'm actually engaged.
Er... Congratulations.
Wow. Um, do I...?
No.
Look, I probably need to go.
Of course, no, of course.
It really was nice to see you.
MUSIC: The Hardest Button To Button
by The White Stripes
Where did you hide it,
you overgrown stick insect?!
Who still buys DVDs, Greg?!
Yes!
SHE SNORTS
You look...tired.
Your eyes are dark. Are you
getting enough sleep? Mum.
Well, then you're not drinking
enough water.
Jerzy, pour Rani a glass of water.
No, I don't want any water.
Yeah, you need about seven or
eight glasses.
I don't want any water!
You may think you are
old enough
to look after yourself,
make your own decisions, but
look at you. You're a mess.
Abandoning your future.
I'm not talking about this.
Living with a boy
with no prospects.
What sort of a boy has never owned
a pair of slippers?
Why are you fixating on that?
Because it tells us all we need
to know about the kind of boy he is.
That you are throwing your life
after some sort
of low-life that we've always tried
to protect you from.
Ahhhh. Wow,
smells delicious. Thank you.
Ah. There's extra chilli in this
one for you,
Mr Rekowski. Rani told me you like
your food hot.
The hotter, the better!
You make all this yourself?
Yeah.
I'll just be...
My wife felt that we were stuck in a
rut, so Mr Romantic here surprised
her with a camping trip to Cornwall,
and while I was emptying out the
chemical toilet, this chap came by
and he's like, "Oh, would you like
"to do some white-water rafting
with me?" Apparently some other
people had dropped out and he needed
to make up the numbers cos otherwise
he would have lost his deposit.
It doesn't matter, move on. Yeah,
well, anyway I couldn't do it,
myself, because I've only got my
ten-metre swimming badge. But my
wife did go with him and, um...
Don't tell me. You caught that other
bloke shagging
your wife's brains out. No, no.
But she fell in love with...
The other bloke.
Cos he's a demon in the sack
and having sex with you is like
shagging a giant Pepperami.
No, she fell in love with danger
and adrenaline.
Oh, right. There was no
stopping her after that.
She got into base jumping,
and abseiling,
and doing parkour around Bristol
city centre. I mean,
we'd be down in town doing
a bit of Christmas shopping,
she'd suddenly be off over
the roof of Argos.
She wanted us to do
a bungee jump together, to try
and sort of save the marriage.
So I agreed.
We got harnessed up,
stood on the edge
of Clifton Suspension Bridge
but I couldn't go through with it.
She jumped, looked back,
saw me standing there
and just shouted,
"I want a divorce!" as she
plummeted into Avon Gorge.
She bounced back up and shouted,
"You're dragging me down!"
even though it was gravity
dragging her down at that point,
to be honest, but I understood what
she was saying,
which is that I'm boring.
No. You're not boring.
Want to do the quiz?
Yeah, for the love of God,
yeah. Thank you.
Team name.
Diane and Greg.
Margie...
Don't talk to me.
I have never tasted anything
like this. It's so...fresh.
Would you give me the recipe?
The recipe belongs to my grandma,
so I'm going to have
to take that one to my grave!
I'm really glad that you like
Ben's cooking,
cos we actually have something
that we want to talk
to you about.
We're going to...
We want to open a
food place in Weston.
With my cooking and Rani's brain,
who knows?
We might be able
to start our own franchise.
And we were wondering if you could
give us a loan.
Which we will pay back... Of course.
..once we get back on our feet.
Oh! What about Oxford?
That was your dream, not mine.
So, a food shack in Weston.
That's your dream?
Yeah.
SHE CHUCKLES
Your mother and I started
a business from scratch.
It takes all of your energies.
So much hard work,
you will have no free time.
Yeah, I know.
But I imagine
the sense of achievement
must be intense.
Starting a business from nothing,
and raising such an amazing daughter
at the same time?
What I want most is what you have.
I never had a stable
upbringing. Well,
you know, the thought
of starting my own business,
buying my own house, wife, kids...
So...
..what do you think about the loan?
We'll...
We'll think about it.
Look at the slide.
14% of over-25s we surveyed
said a phone mast brings no jobs to
the community.
Or anything productive.
And on the next slide...
What it will bring is faster
data download
and upload speed,
so no more waiting for Netflix
to buffer.
CROWD LAUGHS
And we're planning
to build in front of the mast site,
as a voluntary contribution to
the community, at our own expense,
a park bench and three trees.
Y-y-yes, but returning
to slide four...
Oh. Just what we need. More slides.
LAUGHTER
We don't need another park bench
around here, either!
Where kids can go
to drink or get high,
because they're so bloody bored.
This guy will promise you
the moon on
a string if it gets him his
planning application.
But he'll be gone in a week.
Me, and you,
and Claire, we live here.
There are kids out there as young as
nine or ten selling drugs
to make ends meet.
I know. I see them every day.
They don't need faster mobile phone
speeds if they're dead or locked up
or hooked on crack.
Well...
What they do need is somewhere
to go at nights,
to study, to get what they need,
where their parents can get therapy
or go to rehab.
Or learn to dance. Mate,
we don't need your phone tower
around here,
what we do need is community!
SILENCE
Plus...
..5G gives you Covid-19!
CHEERING
You like...you like cooking other
things, food, or...
..just the crack?
How does someone like you wind up in
trouble with a London gangster?
That's a very long
and a very depressing story.
We've got a while.
Nah.
You don't want my tale of woe.
Want some?
No.
You ever tried it?
Have I ever smoked crack?
Er, no. No,
I've never smoked crack.
I'm a middle-aged married man
with two kids and
a recurrent hernia.
All the more reason to smoke some.
No, I read the papers,
I know what that stuff's like.
Instantly addictive.
I'd have one puff
and in a month, I'd have no teeth
and a pimp named Alphonso.
No. It's nothing like
The Daily Mail says.
WHISPERS:
It's just amazingly good fun.
How much amazingly good fun?
It will make you
forget your tale of woe.
Oh, shit.
MUSIC: No Surprises
# A job that slowly kills you
# Bruises that won't heal... #
She's stable...
Which famous actor is said
to have invented
the Magnum ice cream?
Oh, what?! Who is going to get that?
Roger Moore.
He loved a choc ice
but he didn't like getting chocolate
ice cream on his safari suit.
So he thought, hang on, I'll pop a
stick in the end. Ergo, the Magnum.
What about the picture round?
I don't know any of them.
Rod Hull, Samantha Fox,
Keith Flint from The Prodigy,
Kendall Jenner,
Jeffrey from Rainbow,
Charles Manson, Emma Stone,
and DJ Bruno Brookes.
What is the capital of Ecuador?
Oh, you are havin' a laugh!
Quito.
Yup, we got it. We know it.
Q... OK...
WHISPERS: Hey...
What?
Anyone watching you?
No.
I can't see who's inside.
Anyone complaining?
Nah, I got compliments.
Did you lose any regulars?
Don't think so.
Is that a yes or a no?
It's a no.
Don't lie to me.
I ain't.
Do you know what happens when
you lie?
Yeah, and I ain't lying.
You better not be.
Go.
Which means the runners-up,
in second place...
..with 36 points, are...
You're crushing my fingers.
I'm sorry, it's my natural
vice-like grip.
..J Lo's Arse!
Which means the winners are
Cagney and Lacey!
Yee-haw. Woo!
Losers! Losers! Losers!
Oh, hello, sir,
you all right?
Sorry, you just dropped something on
the floor. That! And one for you!
Yeah! Wow! Oh, my God!
I've never won anything before!
You are insane at quizzes!
Well, thanks, yeah.
Product of a misspent youth.
I played a lot of Trivial Pursuit in
my teens.
Wow! Wild. Idea.
You and I go back to my house,
have coffee
and sexual intercourse.
I don't do tea-bagging,
golden showers or reverse anal.
Everything else is up for grabs.
What's reverse anal? Wouldn't that
just be regular, in the front door?
No, that's what they want you to
think.
PHONE BUZZES
Hold that thought.
Go for Diane Pemberley.
Hello, it's Barbara.
Who?
There's people in the centre, I can
see their shadows moving about.
Did you get a camera?
Yes, I found one in the back of
the sideboard.
Er, I'm not sure how well
it'll come out,
mind, it's been in
the drawer since my Kenny died.
God, I miss him!
Right. Stay focused,
woman. Take pictures of everything,
OK? I'm coming over.
I need you to drop me off at
the community centre.
There ARE people inside
looking suspicious.
What about the coffee
and the sexual intercourse?
That's off. Look,
if this turns into a stakeout,
I might give you
a quick handjob, all right?
No promises, though.
Come on. Let's go.
Oh, shit.
I think we're being followed.
By who?
You see that black Vauxhall?
It was there when we left
Windmill Hill.
What do we do?
Um... Er...
Just, um, take a left.
And-and go right, go right.
Fuck! Fuck!
Can you see who it is?
It's the police.
Go.
I just got a text from
Greg, saying,
"Stop cooking crack,
Diane's on her way."
Oh, shit!
MUSIC: Sweet Little Mystery
by Wet Wet Wet
Yeah, my own father. Sacked you?
I had a mortgage,
kids' school fees, skiing,
bollocks.
You know, it's £800 a year
for horse riding insurance? £800.
I mean, just don't crash
your horse, right? Mm.
Doesn't your wife work?
She makes and sells
vegan dog treats, so, no.
SHE CHUCKLES
What's funny?
PHONE VIBRATES
Vegan dog treats!
You can have vegan dogs.
I think I'm beginning
to understand your tale of woe.
PHONE VIBRATES
Hello?
Are you at the community centre?
No. I had to pop out for a bit.
Pop out? Why are you popping out?
I've left John in charge.
Well, he isn't answering his phone,
and Diane is on her way there,
so you have to get everyone out!
I'm busy. Why can't you?!
I'm in a police car chase!
What did you say?!
I don't think I heard you right!
I bet you wish you had 5G.
Hello? Hello?!
Why are you driving so slowly?!
Have you heard of second gear?!
A little kiddie might jump out.
Kiddie? It's night-time!
You're doing about 8mph.
Speed kills.
HORNS BLARE
What are you doing?!
Don't wave him on.
Don't let him overtake you!
Well, you know,
I'm just feeling generous.
Oh, my God!
Subject drives like my nan. Well,
you know, there's a lot of idiots on
the road at this time of night.
You've got to be careful.
Yeah, idiots like you.
Number one over here.
She's going faster than we are.
With her stupid little scooter.
Yeah, well, but that's reckless,
isn't it? Absolutely reckless.
It's not reckless. Go through,
we're coming up to the lights.
That's good.
Right, amber, go through on
the amber, go through on the amber!
Well, you shouldn't go through on
the amber. No, cos it might change
to red. You see, there you go.
You've got to be careful.
Oh, my God.
What are you doing?
Where are you going?
What are you up to? What's going on?
I'm commandeering this vehicle for
volunteer police purposes.
It's Haines.
We're following a black Range Rover.
Yeah, I need you to run a plate
for me, please.
They still there?
Yeah. OK. What am I doing?
Where am I going?
Rani, what now? They're behind us!
Calm down! I'm trying to think!
Go right, go right!
We need to lose them. Fuck!
The vehicle is leased to
a Christian Taylor.
We need to overtake that lorry
there. Taylor's in prison.
It's his car.
Go, go, go!
Wait for it.
Now, pull off. Pull off!
Where...where are they?
Where are they? I can't see 'em.
Shit!
We have to find that Range.
Whoever is driving that
is running Brook Hill.
My heart's racing.
That was incredible!
That was so cool!
Wait, Rani, wait!
That weren't cool.
Yeah, it was.
We totally out-foxed them. So cool.
Wait, wait, wait, wait! Yeah?
Does this stuff turn you on?
What stuff?
You know...
..car chases, the drug deals,
the gang shit.
No, of course not.
It doesn't. Just...
It must be my adrenaline pumping.
We need to get rid of this car.
SHE PANTS
What...is going on?!
Myrns. I'm a crack ho.
What?!
Diane is coming!
We need to get out of here!
Diane is on her way here!
We need to pack up
and get out of here now!
We need to pack up
and get out of here! Come on, move!
# No alarms and no surprises,
please... #
I'm coming, Dad.
MYRNA SHRIEKS
What have we got here, then?
Light on at the side of
the building.
Moving to investigate.
Hmm. Gate is unlocked.
Note to self.
Diane.
What?
I have to tell you something before
you go in there.
Well, it'll have to wait.
No. It can't wait.
I have to tell you it now.
The reason
I was driving so slow earlier,
like your nan,
is so that I could
spend more time with you
and enjoy your magical personality.
Yeah, makes sense.
Yeah, but there's more.
Diane Pemberley...I love you.
Well, you're only human.
Yeah!
Ahh!
God...!
I had to incapacitate subject, as
his libido became inflamed by his
smoking-hot date.
Heading inside to
investigate further.
What's in it?! What's in it?!
I need a wet wipe!
I am entering the premises.
Diane?
I can't drive you home,
cos I'm blind now.
Christian is going to be so pissed.
He only had six months
left on the lease.
I'm going to get a tea,
do you want one?
No.
We swore we'd never be that couple
with nothing to say
to each other. Remember?
When we met,
you taught ME the shuffle,
the backdrop.
King and queen of the dance floor.
We were a head-turning couple.
Being busy is not
the reason I didn't visit when you
got sick, Lou.
It's cos I was in a pub,
getting high.
Getting laid.
Cos all of that was
100 times easier than
facing you,
cos facing you meant facing me,
and I never could do that.
I missed my chance
to say sorry...when it mattered.
What the heck,
I'm going to say it now.
Anyway, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry you had
to put up with all the lies,
then apologies, then more lies,
and...
..I'm sorry for the things I did
when I was here
and the things I didn't do
when I wasn't.
And I'm sorry I didn't get
to know our little girl earlier.
You raised a
helluva woman without me, Lou.
You know, I don't have
a pot to piss in.
All I got to show
for my time on this Earth
is what I walked out on.
So, let's us - you and me...
..remember the good times.
We were king...
..queen of the dance floor.
We were...
..a head-turning couple.
Excuse me.
Shoes off at the door, yeah?
Those are not my dad's slippers,
are they?
No. They're mine.
He let me keep 'em.
You don't have to wear them, though.
Yeah, well,
they're kind of snuggly.
Erm, do you really want kids?
Yeah, don't you?
We never spoke about it.
I think we'd make great parents.
MUSIC: Get It 'Fore It's Gone
by Pokey LaFarge
GLASS SHATTERS
God!
DOG BARKS
Ah, fuck it. Bedtime.
I'm coming to bed!
# I'm gonna live life
just like a butterfly
# It's here today
and kiss the world goodbye
# Noon is breaking
# I'm making my way
# Hey, hey, hey
# Don't throw shade
on my sunny day
# Gotta get it 'fore it's gone
# Get it 'fore it's gone, oh, yeah
# Get it 'fore it's gone
# Get it now
# Gone, gone, get, get, gone, getcha
# Gotta get it 'fore it's gone
# Get it 'fore it's gone
# Get it now. #
A little warning from The Dean.
How's it coming with the money?
We've only got two weeks left.
Yep, we're on target,
it's the final push
but, um...
..we're low on stock.
Of what?
Everything.
Even crack?
It's our bestseller.
Professionals, clubbers,
students, they love it.
Yeah. It can get you like that.
OK, so how do we replenish stock?
You need some fresh ingredients
and a cook.
I'll arrange it. Well done.
I'm impressed.
The Brook Hill crew is
nominally run
by this man,
Christian Taylor.
Taylor's currently inside
for violating the terms
of his probation.
So who's in charge now?
His lieutenants?
Unclear. Souljah's gone to ground,
and Spider was shot and injured by
persons unknown.
Have you spoken to him? We have.
He's still so weak he could barely
answer our questions let alone run
any kind of crew.
Do we know how Brook Hill is
structured?
Like most local crews,
we think they've got
a network of foot soldiers who are
young and highly mobile.
I thought I might go
and see Mum later.
Oh. Well, say hi from me.
You could come, she'd like that.
Normally I'd be in like Flynn,
but sadly, I got a thing.
Do you not feel like
you owe Mum a visit?
Absolutely. It's on my list.
Right at the top.
Brook Hill is plugged into
the local community.
Though we believe they have ties to
this major London player, The Dean.
Well, that means Brook Hill has
to get profits back
to London, which means a bagman.
Any leads?
Not yet, but The Dean's been at the
top level for years,
so anyone moving money
for him will be one slick operator.
I don't like broccoli.
You can't live entirely off
Tangy Cheese Doritos.
You need fruit and veg in your diet
if you want to love again.
Why? All right, supposing you go
round to Anne-Marie's house
and she's made you a nice salad.
I'll just pretend to have a stroke.
How about...an olive?
Oh, fuck off!
We've identified a kid -
Carter, 17 -
we know he's running
for Brook Hill.
We need four plainclothes in one
week to run surveillance on him.
No. I don't have the manpower.
Sir, if we sit on this kid
for long enough, whoever's running
Brook Hill will show their face.
Two people, 48 hours.
Three people, 72 hours.
Fine. But I want pictures
on my desk in three days.
You better watch yourself.
The Feds was here asking about
The Dean.
They know someone's running my end,
so look sharp.
OK.
You got to leave right now?
Yeah. What?
If you go,
I got to go back to my cell
and talk to Hank,
and he ain't exactly
Graham Norton, you know?
Can...can we just talk?
OK.
What do you want to...talk about?
Anything.
Why did you become a drug dealer?
The pension plan.
Aren't you scared of getting hurt?
My dad never broke the law once.
He was a welder all his life.
What did he get
for all his honest hard work?
Chronic lung disease from
the fumes.
Why didn't you stay in school,
get an education?
If your family couldn't afford
to put food on the table
and someone offered you
a chance to make money,
what would you choose?
Dealing, or double maths?
Following an extensive
community needs assessment,
we have a strategy that's in
line with
the city's economic action
plan. Slide.
When I say, "Slide," Susie,
jump to the next slide.
What are you doing?
Prepping for the Town Hall tonight.
You can stand down, love,
I'll be doing the talking.
You don't know how
to work PowerPoint.
We don't need slides,
we need passion.
This isn't rabble-rousing.
We need to convince
the council that we have
the financial nous to take over
the community centre.
You have never
done a Town Hall, love.
You've got to win the crowd.
It is war.
Maybe we should put it to
the group.
Claire,
although I fully support
the democratic process,
in this instance, kindly do one.
I will be speaking at the meeting.
Oh, my God. Lara's back on Her.
Am I supposed
to know what that means?
Er, OK. Um, Lara,
Lara is my ex,
and Her is-is-is
a lesbian dating site,
which means that she's single again.
I don't know what to do. I mean,
should I DM her? I should probably
DM her, right? I mean, is it weird
if I DM her? I don't know, I mean,
I think it would be weirder if
I didn't DM her, is that right? What
do I do, Greg? Have you thought
about DM'ing her? You really think I
should? I mean, last time I saw her,
I royally shat the nest. Well,
you're in a better place now. Yeah.
Emotionally, not physically.
I mean, your place was way nicer.
Yeah. Are you on the apps?
Oof! No. Need a full body or brain
transplant before
an internet lady found
me attractive.
That's nonsense. You should, you
should definitely be on the apps.
Really? You think so?
Yeah... Yeah, you should.
I mean, look, we...
..we need to work on
a few things first, but...
Like what?
Well, your diet,
posture, conversation,
wardrobe, general aura and height.
My height?
Yeah. You're just...
You're too tall.
You loom over people and it's...
How can I change that?
You could be in the distance more.
Sure, I'll try that. OK.
Hmm. I'm going to make you my
new project.
Greg 2.0.
I'm going to sign you up to all of
the dating apps, so...
..commit to change,
choose happiness,
and eat the broccolini.
POT BUBBLES
Careful, it's hot. OK.
Mmm. That's amazing.
Yeah? Mmm, thank you. Um,
I spoke to my parents.
OK. You ask about the loan?
No.
No?
It's just a bit difficult
cos, you know,
all the money they saved was
for me to go to Oxford.
OK. You're not getting cold feet
about Weston, are you?
No.
No, I...I...
..I just want to approach it
really carefully,
you know? Um,
so I told them we'd come over,
bring dinner, then once they've
sampled your yummy food, then we'd
bring up the loan.
OK. Is that OK? Yeah. You sure?
Yes. OK.
Can you just add a bit more chilli?
Cos Dad likes it hot.
Yeah? Yeah. So do I.
Eww!
Go to your room!
Go to YOUR room!
Es, how would you like to move
to Weston with us,
to open a food shack,
start selling my food?
Why would people pay for your food?
Cos it's different.
Come on, Es.
Don't you want to live by the beach?
You know, sun, sea, donkeys.
More people are killed by donkeys
every year than die in
plane crashes.
So...is that a yes?
Fine. But if a donkey
even looks at me funny,
I'm moving back to Bristol.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, madam, this is private
property.
For your own safety, I'm going to
have to ask you
to step on to the pavement, please.
OK. Legally, we are now safe.
How can I help?
Right, well, I live at number 14,
just across the road.
You look like you're in charge.
Your eyes do not deceive you.
I thought I should let
you know that of
an evening there's often comings
and goings in the centre.
What, post-6pm?
Yes. Sometimes late into the night.
Can I take your name, please?
Barbara Latham.
I'm not being nosey or nothing,
I just thought it was
a bit odd, you know? It's been empty
for so long and then...
Can you describe these comings
and goings, please, Barbara?
Not really, I'd need to move my sofa
to get a proper look.
That would be great, if you could.
Sofa's quite heavy, though,
and I'm on my own.
Right, well, you've got to bend at
the knees, you see?
Really engage the core.
Use the breath.
Breathe in. Lift. OK?
Oi.
Yeah? Get a good vantage point.
Take photos. Have you got a
telephoto lens? No.
No? Well you can
pick 'em up cheap on eBay,
OK? Look,
if you see
anything suspicious, call me.
Right.
Shouldn't I call the police?
Read the card, Barbara.
I'm a Trainee Police Community
Support Officer.
Round here, I am the law,
OK? Unless you get mugged
or raped,
in which case, call the real police.
I need you three
to pick up supplies for me.
Supplies? Of what?
Raw product.
Then bring it here tonight,
where a cook will cook it.
Ready for sale.
Why do we have to do that?
Because look at you -
no-one will suspect you.
Well, why can't you do it? Because I
have to drive around intimidating
little children that work for us.
Would you rather do that?
I don't want to do that, I don't
know anything about buying drugs.
Could you just figure it out?!
No-one taught me how to run
a drug empire in school, either.
I'd love to help,
but I promised my daughter
I'd visit my ex-wife.
If we're cooking crack cocaine,
YOU'RE cooking crack cocaine.
Nah, leave him, leave him.
He's fixing things with his family.
That's important. Yeah.
OK, so I'm signing you up
for Tinder.
No, I don't want to be one
of those sad, desperate losers
on a dating app.
All right, fine. I'll delete it.
I guess it is just a load of people
looking for meaningless sex. Well,
I suppose I could give it one go.
No Greg, I think you're right.
I think we should ease you in more
gently. Maybe Eharmony?
Isn't that mainly over-50s?
Yeah.
How old do you think I am?
We'll need a sexy profile pic.
Have you got any photos
of you on holiday,
or maybe with a cute animal?
Ooh, yeah. I've got a nice one of me
on Clacton Beach with a dead squid.
Three, two, one, go!
CAMERA APP CLICKS
Oh, yeah, I mean...
maybe take your glasses off?
Glasses off? Yeah, rock and roll.
Yeah. Absolutely. OK. Aww. Smile.
You look like a Victorian
child-catcher.
Let's try a pout, OK?
So, say, "Prunes."
Ooh, you look like someone's
doing something
to you without your consent.
Greg, just...
I'm out of my depth here.
If I can't even pose for a photo,
what am I going to be like on a
real date?
SHE SIGHS
Maybe I can change the filter.
Yeah? Can you filter out
middle-aged and desperation?
No. But that's a great idea for
an app.
I'm getting Greg back on
the dating horse
and he needs a bit of practice.
And this affects me how?
Would you go on a
trial date with him? What?
You know, just to report back,
let me know how he does,
so that we can iron out any wrinkles
before he goes on any real dates.
Definitely not.
I find Greg not only unattractive
but sexually repugnant.
No offence taken.
Mmm. You see, the thing is, Diane,
I need a woman I can trust to give
me an independent
heterosexual female
assessment of Greg's behaviour.
I can't be seen socialising with
criminals. I mean,
not only am I his community
support supervisor,
I'm also a trainee PCSO now.
But I need, you know,
a dating detective.
Do you need fingerprints?
DNA? Swab of the foreskin?
Whatever you think is useful,
but you would be doing me
a massive solid.
Go on, then.
But only for the purposes
of research.
Fabulous, thank you.
I owe you one, darling.
I'll pick you up at 19:00 hours. Oh,
would you mind if he picks you up,
just to keep it more traditional?
I'll allow it. Don't be late.
No, ma'am.
THEY CHAT
It must be so boring being
a drug runner.
Sitting around and doing...nothing.
Just...waiting and keeping lookout.
I'd be so bored.
Nope, grey.
What are we looking for?
We are looking for
a green Volkswagen Golf,
and the driver has
a scar underneath his left eye.
Jesus. Of course he does.
Jesus. This is not happening.
I'm a middle-aged bloke with a wife
and two kids, you know.
I should be bleeding radiators or
creosoting a shed,
not sat here waiting to pick up
a kilo of uncut shitting cocaine!
Forget it. Not doing it. Too late.
Shit. Oh, shit. Shit!
What do we do now? What do we do?
I don't know!
I'll just consult my black-person
manual, shall I?
"Car Park Drug Deals -
chapter five."
Oh, window. Oh, shit,
we're doing this. Oh, fuck my life.
Hello, all right? Yo.
Is it G... Are you G?
Good afternoon, officer.
No, I'm not...I'm not a policeman.
No? What do you do, then?
Me? Well, I'm...
I'm between jobs at the moment
because no-one's hiring a white,
middle-aged bloke these days,
are they?
Unless you're disabled or a
transgender vegan that's...
Not...not...not now. Not now?
You got the four bags?
No, cos I think we're
buying them from you.
Bag o' sand, grand.
Four grand. You got the four grand?
We're from Bristol.
We don't do rhyming slang.
Wait, if you call a grand
a bag of sand,
just interested, what do you
call a bag of sand?
You got the money?
Yeah.
Shit, man!
Don't wave it around like
a game show host!
Put it in something!
Er, have a look in the
glove compartment.
Anything?
No. Just some middle-of-the-road
white man music
and an underwear catalogue that
seems to be catering
for women with a fuller bust.
What is this? Porn for cowards?
Just my wife's.
It's OK. I've got an envelope.
An envelope. I've got an envelope.
There we go.
No!
Right. You've put the money in?
I've done... Yeah.
Get out... Yeah. ..and pretend to
drop your keys. Drop your keys.
Leave the money on
the front-right tyre.
He said, leave the money on
the front-right tyre.
Then walk inside, get a coffee.
He said, go get a coff...
I don't drink coffee.
It makes me all kinds of wired.
Is peppermint tea OK?
Listen
It don't matter what you drink.
Just go away, come back in ten,
and the product will be where
the money is. You get me, right?
Yeah.
Go, then.
Oh... Butterfingers!
I've got 'em.
Come on... We're coming. We're
coming. Oh, my God, it's there. OK.
So, I have to...
Oh. Do you know,
I do not know what's wrong
with me today.
Just wait, wait, wait. Jesus Christ!
Hey, Mum.
Look who's come to see you.
Hey, Lou.
Does she even know we're here?
She doesn't talk any more,
so we don't know how much
she knows.
Frank is going to
take you for a walk today.
Nice wheels you got there.
Little different
from that Alfa Romeo we used
to skip around in.
Remember that time we drove all
the way to London just
to see the sun rise over
Tower Bridge?
We broke down on
the freeway coming back.
I flagged down that guy,
persuaded him to swap his
Hillman for the Alfa Romeo.
I wo...I wonder if he ever made
it home.
I'm sorry...I didn't visit earlier.
I've been busy.
Remind me of the brief again?
Just choose an outfit you think
will make a good first impression
on a first date. Oh, I got it.
Leather trousers?
Yeah. I read in
GQ Magazine that every man should
have at least one peacocking item
that really makes him stand out.
Right, right.
But you've...you've paired
the leather trousers
with loafers and a shirt and tie?
I have, yeah,
yeah. Adding a bit of class.
You look like the
Hell's Angels' accountant.
Thank you. Greg, that's not a
compliment. It doesn't work.
Why not?
Jim Morrison - regional manager
of a Morrisons.
Come on!
SIREN WAILS
Does he want me to pull over?
You can't. What? Don't pull over!
No, he's... Shit!
Shit! You've got
a kilo of coke in your bag!
Oh, this is not happening!
What do we do? Stay calm!
What happens, though? You just have
to act like you have not got a care
in the world. Oh...!
RADIO: # You're beautiful,
you're beautiful
# You're beautiful, it's true
# I saw your face
in a crowded space... #
Can you turn the music down
please, sir?
# And I don't know... #
Sure, sorry.
HE LOWERS VOLUME
Is there a problem, officer?
You were doing 40 in
a 30mph zone.
Do you know, I literally didn't know
that that was a 30.
I assume you understand
the dangers of driving over
the speed limit in a built-up area?
Listen,
I know that Highway Code like
the back of my hand. Licence.
Sorry.
Are you all right?
Yeah.
He just prides himself on being
a really good driver.
He's a bit embarrassed.
Hopefully, three points
and a 100-quid fine will make him be
a bit more careful in the future.
Three points?!
One minute.
Three points?! Are you...?
You should be out there catching
criminals, mate. Three points!
Thank you, Officer,
and once again, we are really sorry!
Three points.
That is...that is madness!
Would you rather have 20 years in
jail for drug-dealing?
You all right?
No, I feel... Oh...
I feel like I can't breathe.
Oh, God. You're hyperventilating.
Hold on.
Oh, God.
Myrna, seriously, I'm...
Take that. Breathe into that.
Better?
It's bloody plastic!
Just take small breaths and try
and stay calm.
I don't like it, Myrna.
Right. Here we go. Try some of that.
It is herbal, it will calm
you down.
What the f...?! No! What is that?!
You're supposed to dab some behind
your ears! Oh, for Christ's sake!
Oh, Christ's sake, Myrna!
Oh, God!
Bad luck, Reg.
Come on, Stanley.
Bad luck, fellas.
Want to go again?
Oh, seriously? You're unbelievable.
Dennis here
is the unbelievable one.
Three winning shots on
the bounce.
I think he's hustling me.
So, you can't even spend
half an hour with her?
Margie,
she has no idea what's happening.
Do you even understand why
that's wrong?
I have to level with you.
Seeing her like this
makes me feel bad.
It isn't about you. When she got
sick, you never visited her,
you just pretended she didn't exist.
Well, she does exist,
and if seeing her makes you feel
bad, then that's tough!
Whoa.
Mum?
Mum?!
Get a...get a nurse!
Hello, Rani.
Hello, Mum.
Come in, come in.
Shoes off at the door, please.
Yeah, sure.
I don't want any scratches on
my floor.
There are no scratches on the floor.
Because it's shoes off at
the door!
Please, put on some slippers.
You can wear an old pair of mine.
Yeah, you don't have to wear those.
No, I've...I've never had a pair of
slippers before. Oh.
They're...they're lush.
Oh, good.
I hope you're hungry.
Oh, yes! Please,
it's through there.
Thank you.
Evening, Diane. You look nice.
19:03.
Subject is three minutes late
and did not,
I repeat, not bring
flowers. Breathe.
Breath, adequate.
SHE SNIFFS
Aftershave, vinegary.
You going to do this all night?
As I see fit.
I just think it might ruin
the mood.
Subject questions methodology of
the adjudicator.
Bye, Mum!
Subject picks up hot date in
a beige 2012 Skoda Octavia.
Makes him look like
a Bulgarian minicab driver.
Vehicle interior smells
like balls and Glade.
Happy to go?
Yeah, let's get this over with.
Oh, I'm going to
have to crack a window.
DOG BARKS
Sorry, sorry.
You're not what I expected.
You're late.
Sorry, yeah.
We just...we just had a bit of a
run-in with the...
Traffic. With the traffic on the M4.
You know what the traffic can be
like on the M4.
My mum's the best cook in
the South West.
She's Michelin-starred.
It's rude to keep her waiting.
Sorry, let's...let's crack on,
shall we? No pun intended.
It's just through
those double doors up there.
John, there is a meeting tonight
which I cannot miss. Cop hold.
What do you mean,
there is a meeting?
You can't leave me
with these people.
They seem nice.
They seem...? Myrna,
these people cook crack for
a living!
I'll only be an hour!
I don't want to do this on my own!
Look, I know that today has been
rather stressful.
Stressful?!
I will be back in an hour.
I promise. Got to go.
Listen. Listen...
Myrns!
You've not done this before,
have you?
Can you tell?
You don't look like someone who
usually deals crack.
What do you need the money for?
Gambling debts?
Big divorce settlement?
A London gangster wants to kill me.
SHE CHUCKLES
Classic.
POURS LIQUID
Calm your nerves.
Cheers.
Cheers.
What's your name?
COUGHS: John. Yours?
Anastasia.
Really?
No.
Never use your real name, John.
First rule of crack-dealing.
That's nice, innit?
Would you like another drink?
Yeah, definitely.
SHE WHISTLES
Excuse me.
Can I have another Grolsch
for me, and a white wine spritzer
for him?
SHE SIGHS
Why don't you ask me
some questions?
Questions, yeah. Good idea, yeah.
What is your favourite colour,
please?
This is a date,
not a Smash Hits interview.
Just ask me an adult question.
Have you ever had a threesome?
No, not like an
adult movie question.
And, yeah, I have.
Didn't enjoy it. Too much talking.
Just ask me a normal question from
one person to another.
Do you have any hobbies?
No. I don't have time
for hobbies.
Too busy training as a PCSO.
Oh, yeah. How's that going?
Yeah, it's awesome.
Incapacitant spray training last
week. That was a highlight.
What does that involve?
This. Pepper spray.
They spray it on our faces
so we know what it feels like.
They issue you with this, do they?
Oh, God. No, no.
Pepper spray is illegal.
So, where did you get that?
Next question.
It's good to see you.
Yeah, yeah, you too, you too.
And you're drinking water?
I'm...I'm completely off
the booze now. Like, for real this
time. That's great.
Yeah, yeah. Oh,
and the drugs and, yeah,
I got rid of all the hangers-on,
you know?
Just realised that they were
actually just taking the piss.
Look, Lara, I...I...
..I want you to know that I have
completely sorted myself out
and, well, I...I saw that
you're...you're on Her,
and I thought maybe
you might want to try again.
Gabby...
I'm completely clean, I promise.
I mean, I don't touch a thing now,
not even on weekends or on
special occasions.
That's great. Yeah.
I'm pleased for you, really,
I am.
But I forgot
to remove my profile from Her.
I'm not single.
I'm actually engaged.
Er... Congratulations.
Wow. Um, do I...?
No.
Look, I probably need to go.
Of course, no, of course.
It really was nice to see you.
MUSIC: The Hardest Button To Button
by The White Stripes
Where did you hide it,
you overgrown stick insect?!
Who still buys DVDs, Greg?!
Yes!
SHE SNORTS
You look...tired.
Your eyes are dark. Are you
getting enough sleep? Mum.
Well, then you're not drinking
enough water.
Jerzy, pour Rani a glass of water.
No, I don't want any water.
Yeah, you need about seven or
eight glasses.
I don't want any water!
You may think you are
old enough
to look after yourself,
make your own decisions, but
look at you. You're a mess.
Abandoning your future.
I'm not talking about this.
Living with a boy
with no prospects.
What sort of a boy has never owned
a pair of slippers?
Why are you fixating on that?
Because it tells us all we need
to know about the kind of boy he is.
That you are throwing your life
after some sort
of low-life that we've always tried
to protect you from.
Ahhhh. Wow,
smells delicious. Thank you.
Ah. There's extra chilli in this
one for you,
Mr Rekowski. Rani told me you like
your food hot.
The hotter, the better!
You make all this yourself?
Yeah.
I'll just be...
My wife felt that we were stuck in a
rut, so Mr Romantic here surprised
her with a camping trip to Cornwall,
and while I was emptying out the
chemical toilet, this chap came by
and he's like, "Oh, would you like
"to do some white-water rafting
with me?" Apparently some other
people had dropped out and he needed
to make up the numbers cos otherwise
he would have lost his deposit.
It doesn't matter, move on. Yeah,
well, anyway I couldn't do it,
myself, because I've only got my
ten-metre swimming badge. But my
wife did go with him and, um...
Don't tell me. You caught that other
bloke shagging
your wife's brains out. No, no.
But she fell in love with...
The other bloke.
Cos he's a demon in the sack
and having sex with you is like
shagging a giant Pepperami.
No, she fell in love with danger
and adrenaline.
Oh, right. There was no
stopping her after that.
She got into base jumping,
and abseiling,
and doing parkour around Bristol
city centre. I mean,
we'd be down in town doing
a bit of Christmas shopping,
she'd suddenly be off over
the roof of Argos.
She wanted us to do
a bungee jump together, to try
and sort of save the marriage.
So I agreed.
We got harnessed up,
stood on the edge
of Clifton Suspension Bridge
but I couldn't go through with it.
She jumped, looked back,
saw me standing there
and just shouted,
"I want a divorce!" as she
plummeted into Avon Gorge.
She bounced back up and shouted,
"You're dragging me down!"
even though it was gravity
dragging her down at that point,
to be honest, but I understood what
she was saying,
which is that I'm boring.
No. You're not boring.
Want to do the quiz?
Yeah, for the love of God,
yeah. Thank you.
Team name.
Diane and Greg.
Margie...
Don't talk to me.
I have never tasted anything
like this. It's so...fresh.
Would you give me the recipe?
The recipe belongs to my grandma,
so I'm going to have
to take that one to my grave!
I'm really glad that you like
Ben's cooking,
cos we actually have something
that we want to talk
to you about.
We're going to...
We want to open a
food place in Weston.
With my cooking and Rani's brain,
who knows?
We might be able
to start our own franchise.
And we were wondering if you could
give us a loan.
Which we will pay back... Of course.
..once we get back on our feet.
Oh! What about Oxford?
That was your dream, not mine.
So, a food shack in Weston.
That's your dream?
Yeah.
SHE CHUCKLES
Your mother and I started
a business from scratch.
It takes all of your energies.
So much hard work,
you will have no free time.
Yeah, I know.
But I imagine
the sense of achievement
must be intense.
Starting a business from nothing,
and raising such an amazing daughter
at the same time?
What I want most is what you have.
I never had a stable
upbringing. Well,
you know, the thought
of starting my own business,
buying my own house, wife, kids...
So...
..what do you think about the loan?
We'll...
We'll think about it.
Look at the slide.
14% of over-25s we surveyed
said a phone mast brings no jobs to
the community.
Or anything productive.
And on the next slide...
What it will bring is faster
data download
and upload speed,
so no more waiting for Netflix
to buffer.
CROWD LAUGHS
And we're planning
to build in front of the mast site,
as a voluntary contribution to
the community, at our own expense,
a park bench and three trees.
Y-y-yes, but returning
to slide four...
Oh. Just what we need. More slides.
LAUGHTER
We don't need another park bench
around here, either!
Where kids can go
to drink or get high,
because they're so bloody bored.
This guy will promise you
the moon on
a string if it gets him his
planning application.
But he'll be gone in a week.
Me, and you,
and Claire, we live here.
There are kids out there as young as
nine or ten selling drugs
to make ends meet.
I know. I see them every day.
They don't need faster mobile phone
speeds if they're dead or locked up
or hooked on crack.
Well...
What they do need is somewhere
to go at nights,
to study, to get what they need,
where their parents can get therapy
or go to rehab.
Or learn to dance. Mate,
we don't need your phone tower
around here,
what we do need is community!
SILENCE
Plus...
..5G gives you Covid-19!
CHEERING
You like...you like cooking other
things, food, or...
..just the crack?
How does someone like you wind up in
trouble with a London gangster?
That's a very long
and a very depressing story.
We've got a while.
Nah.
You don't want my tale of woe.
Want some?
No.
You ever tried it?
Have I ever smoked crack?
Er, no. No,
I've never smoked crack.
I'm a middle-aged married man
with two kids and
a recurrent hernia.
All the more reason to smoke some.
No, I read the papers,
I know what that stuff's like.
Instantly addictive.
I'd have one puff
and in a month, I'd have no teeth
and a pimp named Alphonso.
No. It's nothing like
The Daily Mail says.
WHISPERS:
It's just amazingly good fun.
How much amazingly good fun?
It will make you
forget your tale of woe.
Oh, shit.
MUSIC: No Surprises
# A job that slowly kills you
# Bruises that won't heal... #
She's stable...
Which famous actor is said
to have invented
the Magnum ice cream?
Oh, what?! Who is going to get that?
Roger Moore.
He loved a choc ice
but he didn't like getting chocolate
ice cream on his safari suit.
So he thought, hang on, I'll pop a
stick in the end. Ergo, the Magnum.
What about the picture round?
I don't know any of them.
Rod Hull, Samantha Fox,
Keith Flint from The Prodigy,
Kendall Jenner,
Jeffrey from Rainbow,
Charles Manson, Emma Stone,
and DJ Bruno Brookes.
What is the capital of Ecuador?
Oh, you are havin' a laugh!
Quito.
Yup, we got it. We know it.
Q... OK...
WHISPERS: Hey...
What?
Anyone watching you?
No.
I can't see who's inside.
Anyone complaining?
Nah, I got compliments.
Did you lose any regulars?
Don't think so.
Is that a yes or a no?
It's a no.
Don't lie to me.
I ain't.
Do you know what happens when
you lie?
Yeah, and I ain't lying.
You better not be.
Go.
Which means the runners-up,
in second place...
..with 36 points, are...
You're crushing my fingers.
I'm sorry, it's my natural
vice-like grip.
..J Lo's Arse!
Which means the winners are
Cagney and Lacey!
Yee-haw. Woo!
Losers! Losers! Losers!
Oh, hello, sir,
you all right?
Sorry, you just dropped something on
the floor. That! And one for you!
Yeah! Wow! Oh, my God!
I've never won anything before!
You are insane at quizzes!
Well, thanks, yeah.
Product of a misspent youth.
I played a lot of Trivial Pursuit in
my teens.
Wow! Wild. Idea.
You and I go back to my house,
have coffee
and sexual intercourse.
I don't do tea-bagging,
golden showers or reverse anal.
Everything else is up for grabs.
What's reverse anal? Wouldn't that
just be regular, in the front door?
No, that's what they want you to
think.
PHONE BUZZES
Hold that thought.
Go for Diane Pemberley.
Hello, it's Barbara.
Who?
There's people in the centre, I can
see their shadows moving about.
Did you get a camera?
Yes, I found one in the back of
the sideboard.
Er, I'm not sure how well
it'll come out,
mind, it's been in
the drawer since my Kenny died.
God, I miss him!
Right. Stay focused,
woman. Take pictures of everything,
OK? I'm coming over.
I need you to drop me off at
the community centre.
There ARE people inside
looking suspicious.
What about the coffee
and the sexual intercourse?
That's off. Look,
if this turns into a stakeout,
I might give you
a quick handjob, all right?
No promises, though.
Come on. Let's go.
Oh, shit.
I think we're being followed.
By who?
You see that black Vauxhall?
It was there when we left
Windmill Hill.
What do we do?
Um... Er...
Just, um, take a left.
And-and go right, go right.
Fuck! Fuck!
Can you see who it is?
It's the police.
Go.
I just got a text from
Greg, saying,
"Stop cooking crack,
Diane's on her way."
Oh, shit!
MUSIC: Sweet Little Mystery
by Wet Wet Wet
Yeah, my own father. Sacked you?
I had a mortgage,
kids' school fees, skiing,
bollocks.
You know, it's £800 a year
for horse riding insurance? £800.
I mean, just don't crash
your horse, right? Mm.
Doesn't your wife work?
She makes and sells
vegan dog treats, so, no.
SHE CHUCKLES
What's funny?
PHONE VIBRATES
Vegan dog treats!
You can have vegan dogs.
I think I'm beginning
to understand your tale of woe.
PHONE VIBRATES
Hello?
Are you at the community centre?
No. I had to pop out for a bit.
Pop out? Why are you popping out?
I've left John in charge.
Well, he isn't answering his phone,
and Diane is on her way there,
so you have to get everyone out!
I'm busy. Why can't you?!
I'm in a police car chase!
What did you say?!
I don't think I heard you right!
I bet you wish you had 5G.
Hello? Hello?!
Why are you driving so slowly?!
Have you heard of second gear?!
A little kiddie might jump out.
Kiddie? It's night-time!
You're doing about 8mph.
Speed kills.
HORNS BLARE
What are you doing?!
Don't wave him on.
Don't let him overtake you!
Well, you know,
I'm just feeling generous.
Oh, my God!
Subject drives like my nan. Well,
you know, there's a lot of idiots on
the road at this time of night.
You've got to be careful.
Yeah, idiots like you.
Number one over here.
She's going faster than we are.
With her stupid little scooter.
Yeah, well, but that's reckless,
isn't it? Absolutely reckless.
It's not reckless. Go through,
we're coming up to the lights.
That's good.
Right, amber, go through on
the amber, go through on the amber!
Well, you shouldn't go through on
the amber. No, cos it might change
to red. You see, there you go.
You've got to be careful.
Oh, my God.
What are you doing?
Where are you going?
What are you up to? What's going on?
I'm commandeering this vehicle for
volunteer police purposes.
It's Haines.
We're following a black Range Rover.
Yeah, I need you to run a plate
for me, please.
They still there?
Yeah. OK. What am I doing?
Where am I going?
Rani, what now? They're behind us!
Calm down! I'm trying to think!
Go right, go right!
We need to lose them. Fuck!
The vehicle is leased to
a Christian Taylor.
We need to overtake that lorry
there. Taylor's in prison.
It's his car.
Go, go, go!
Wait for it.
Now, pull off. Pull off!
Where...where are they?
Where are they? I can't see 'em.
Shit!
We have to find that Range.
Whoever is driving that
is running Brook Hill.
My heart's racing.
That was incredible!
That was so cool!
Wait, Rani, wait!
That weren't cool.
Yeah, it was.
We totally out-foxed them. So cool.
Wait, wait, wait, wait! Yeah?
Does this stuff turn you on?
What stuff?
You know...
..car chases, the drug deals,
the gang shit.
No, of course not.
It doesn't. Just...
It must be my adrenaline pumping.
We need to get rid of this car.
SHE PANTS
What...is going on?!
Myrns. I'm a crack ho.
What?!
Diane is coming!
We need to get out of here!
Diane is on her way here!
We need to pack up
and get out of here now!
We need to pack up
and get out of here! Come on, move!
# No alarms and no surprises,
please... #
I'm coming, Dad.
MYRNA SHRIEKS
What have we got here, then?
Light on at the side of
the building.
Moving to investigate.
Hmm. Gate is unlocked.
Note to self.
Diane.
What?
I have to tell you something before
you go in there.
Well, it'll have to wait.
No. It can't wait.
I have to tell you it now.
The reason
I was driving so slow earlier,
like your nan,
is so that I could
spend more time with you
and enjoy your magical personality.
Yeah, makes sense.
Yeah, but there's more.
Diane Pemberley...I love you.
Well, you're only human.
Yeah!
Ahh!
God...!
I had to incapacitate subject, as
his libido became inflamed by his
smoking-hot date.
Heading inside to
investigate further.
What's in it?! What's in it?!
I need a wet wipe!
I am entering the premises.
Diane?
I can't drive you home,
cos I'm blind now.
Christian is going to be so pissed.
He only had six months
left on the lease.
I'm going to get a tea,
do you want one?
No.
We swore we'd never be that couple
with nothing to say
to each other. Remember?
When we met,
you taught ME the shuffle,
the backdrop.
King and queen of the dance floor.
We were a head-turning couple.
Being busy is not
the reason I didn't visit when you
got sick, Lou.
It's cos I was in a pub,
getting high.
Getting laid.
Cos all of that was
100 times easier than
facing you,
cos facing you meant facing me,
and I never could do that.
I missed my chance
to say sorry...when it mattered.
What the heck,
I'm going to say it now.
Anyway, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry you had
to put up with all the lies,
then apologies, then more lies,
and...
..I'm sorry for the things I did
when I was here
and the things I didn't do
when I wasn't.
And I'm sorry I didn't get
to know our little girl earlier.
You raised a
helluva woman without me, Lou.
You know, I don't have
a pot to piss in.
All I got to show
for my time on this Earth
is what I walked out on.
So, let's us - you and me...
..remember the good times.
We were king...
..queen of the dance floor.
We were...
..a head-turning couple.
Excuse me.
Shoes off at the door, yeah?
Those are not my dad's slippers,
are they?
No. They're mine.
He let me keep 'em.
You don't have to wear them, though.
Yeah, well,
they're kind of snuggly.
Erm, do you really want kids?
Yeah, don't you?
We never spoke about it.
I think we'd make great parents.
MUSIC: Get It 'Fore It's Gone
by Pokey LaFarge
GLASS SHATTERS
God!
DOG BARKS
Ah, fuck it. Bedtime.
I'm coming to bed!
# I'm gonna live life
just like a butterfly
# It's here today
and kiss the world goodbye
# Noon is breaking
# I'm making my way
# Hey, hey, hey
# Don't throw shade
on my sunny day
# Gotta get it 'fore it's gone
# Get it 'fore it's gone, oh, yeah
# Get it 'fore it's gone
# Get it now
# Gone, gone, get, get, gone, getcha
# Gotta get it 'fore it's gone
# Get it 'fore it's gone
# Get it now. #