The Outlaws (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript

You'll repay your debt to society

by working the number of hours
mandated by the court.

We found it, we're entitled to it.

Are you citing the legal precedent
"finders keeper, losers weepers"?


Don't worry, ma'am. I've got eyes in
the back of my head.

I have this cupboard in my office.
I call it the Cupboard of Chaos.

I gave your cupboard
a little spring clean.

You pissed my company down
the drain!

I didn't piss anything,
OK? I'm saving it!

I love you, Dad.

I spent 18 months in a prison cell.

I'm not spending my
last few years in another one!

PC Colin Denison died in that fire.

The guilt won't go away.

Find my money and whoever took it

because now I have to kill either
them or you just to make a point.





I'm in trouble. I need your help.



..we've got something
to tell you.

Oh, my God.
Did you get her pregnant?

No. No!

We're friends. Yeah, pals.

Anyway, erm, Rani's going to be
staying with us for a bit.

Are the feds after you?

No, I...I just got into
a massive fight with my parents.

I told them I didn't want to go
to Oxford and I left.

Oh. So, your first thought was
to come here

cos we've got so much space?

Come on, Es. We owe her.

Maybe. But she's not having my bed.

Don't worry, you can take
my bed.

No, no,

I can't throw you out of your
own bed.

Or you two could share.


No, I'm...I'm.... No.
I'm going stay in here.

Right. Uh, make yourself
comfy. Mm-hm.

I'm making food. Do you
want some? Love some.

I see you.

Sorry, you see me?

Trying to get in my brother's
Ninja Turtle boxers.

WHISPERING: I'm not trying to get
into your brother's anything.

I left home, Es.

Hey, Ran. Yep.

Are you ready to try this, yeah?

Oh, God. It's my grandma's recipe.
OK. Are you ready? Yeah.

Oh, my God, that's amazing!

Yeah? Mm.

You sure? Yeah. God, you should open
a restaurant or something.

That is so yummy.
Yeah, maybe I will.

Maybe you should eat in one first.

I've eaten in restaurants.

Only ones with photos on the menu.

Ain't you got something else
to be doing?

"Ohh, that's amazing!
You should open a restaurant!"

I didn't say it like that.

You definitely said it like that.
No, I didn't!

You did. I didn't. You did.
No, I didn't. You did. No.


Hello, Your Ladyship.
We're here to film the commercial.

For social media.

I thought that was on Wednesday.

It is Wednesday.





It was...someone's birthday.

Steve, sorry. Erm, this is Lesley.
I know you spoke on the phone.


Do you think I'm stupid enough to
hide the money in my bedroom, Frank?

I mean, come on.
Would you do that?

You made your point, Tommy,
but let's stop playing.

What's a teenage boy going to spend
all that money on?


Why would I pay for porn?
It's free on the internet.

It is?

You shouldn't have hidden
the money back in the attic, Frank.

It was lazy. So, to teach you
a lesson,

I'm going to use it to pay off
Mum's mortgage.

You know, you can't just walk into
your mom's bank and hand it over.

You have to wash it first.

What, like, clean off
the fingerprints?

You must've heard of washing money,
laundering money

to make it look like you earned
it legitimately.

What do they teach you at
that school?

How do you wash money?

Smurfing. Offshore shell companies.
Casinos are good.


You walk into a casino,
you buy chips with the cash.

You play for a while,
you cash in the chips,

you get paid by cheque.

Now your money looks like
legitimate winnings.

Fine, I'll take it to a casino.

Great. You just have to wait till
you turn 18 in two years' time.

Or we could split the money fairly.

Say 80-20.

You're not getting the money back.

But, uh, here's
your plane ticket to Rio.

We both know you don't love Mum,
you don't love me or Holly.

Your tag comes off tomorrow, so...

..take it and go.

I loved making my own
fizzy drinks as a kid,

and this new deluxe at-home
soda maker takes me right back

to being just eight years old.

Just choose the flavour
of your choice...


..and voila.


Oh! Fizzy cunt! Fuck!

Was that OK, darling?

Erm, I'm not sure the
client will be totally happy

with you calling their product
the C word.

Do you want to call and check?

Could we just go one more time?


This new deluxe at-home soda maker
takes me right back

to being eight years old.

Mm, delicious!

I think we got it.

Uh, we did but there was
a naked man in the shot.

So could we just go again?

No, that was a really good one.
Yeah, it was,

but, uh, I'm not sure the client
will be happy

with a commercial aimed at kids
featuring an actual man's penis.

Well, just take it out with GCI.

We don't have the budget for CGI.
This is for Instagram.

One more time, please?

I mean, who even buys these things?

Who has ever drunk
a can of Coke and thought,

"Ooh, yeah, I like that, but damn,
I wish I was more involved

"in the manufacturing process"?

One more time for luck?

I loved making my own fizzy drinks
as a kid,

and this new deluxe at-home
soda maker takes me right back

to being six years old,

the year my mother killed herself.

Get in, you bastard!

I think you've got
it in the wrong way.


I think we've got it.

From my analysis, your production
model is the weak link.

It's old-fashioned.

Now, I've identified ways to
ramp up profitability,

but it will involve a
radical overhaul

of how things are done here.

How things are done here is how
they've been done for 40 years.

Your son tells me he's negotiated
a possible partnership

with a competitor,
uh, Hilgard Auto Frictions.

My son knows I'll be six foot under

before I do any business
with Graham Hilgard.

Given the state of your finances,

it's an idea that needs
serious consideration.

Lesley, is it?

Can I speak privately
with my son for a moment?

Trouble-shooters, huh?

Another one of your masterplans.

Like taking stolen money.

She's a business enhancement
specialist, Dad.

And she says that a company like
ours that isn't progressing

is regressing.

She's right.

There is a weak link here.

But it's not the production model.

They're refusing to pay me for
the advert!

Well, yes, because as
brand ambassador,

your contract states that you
will refrain

from offensive remarks
or conduct. I did.

You smashed up their soda maker,
then called it a C bomb!

Hold the lift, please!

That's the lady I told you about.

The one you like?
Yeah, what do I do?

Be yourself.

Thanks, Greg. Oh, no problem,
Anne-Marie. Which floor?

We work on the same floor.



Good for you for cycling to work.
That's very healthy.

No, no, it's a bad idea.

I'm sweating so much,
I need another shower now.

Oh. Oh, yeah. You don't want to get
a yeast infection.


I just mean from wearing
the same sweaty clothes all day.

You know, can create humid
crotch conditions.

Leading to a build-up of fungus
in your...vaginal cavity.


See you later. See you later.


Really smooth.

Ah, thanking you,

That's so sweet. You collect
his dry cleaning for him?

Yeah, we have a little quid pro quo.

He scratches my back and I don't
send him to prison.

He's a joker. Ignore him.

Come on, then, Greg, when are you
going to ask Anne-Marie out? Sh!

Anne-Marie? You absolute horndog.

I'm not asking anybody out, all
right? It's against company policy.

I don't care, Greg.
I can smell office romance.

Er, no, you can smell
Greg's aftershave.

"Lonely by Paco Rabanne."

Hey, I think it's romantic

that a woman you work with might
be your next wife.

No, no, his next wife is a Latvian
conman posing as a swimwear model.

What about the commercial,
all right? You need a payday.

Let's sue them. You can't afford to
sue them, all right?

Your father's frozen your allowance.

What? Since when?

Since you ruined his lawn
with your car!

Oh, for God's sake! It's only grass,
it'll grow back.

The Bank of Daddy is closed,
Your Ladyship, all right?

You need to cut down on
your outgoings. Why?

Why? Cos you're spending like
a crazy person!

Look at this - bar bills,
restaurant bills.

You've been buying clothes
and bags

and a Tempur-Pedic cat bed!

A Gucci skateboard?

You've bought two wet suits!

One of them is formal.

Six grand on Uber Eats!

For a year, that's fine!

That was August!

£580 on tarot readings!

I am not cutting out Madame Orion.
She sees things.

Has she seen that you'll be bankrupt
by Christmas?

No, she bloody hasn't!

All right, fine, ditch the bitch.

I will try and cut back on
my spending.

But meanwhile...

..what's your next move?

To the kitchen to make me tea
and toast.

Oh, and spread the jam right to
the edges this time.

I can't believe he does that
for you. What a sweet guy.

Isn't he?

This is called a beep test.


It is used to test the
aerobic capacity

of trainee PCSOs like myself.

What's a PCSO?

A Police Community Support Officer.

Uniformed civilians.

Like a supply teacher, but with less
authority and respect.

Not true. We provide a reassuring
presence on the street

and tackle the scourge
of antisocial behaviour,

working alongside the police.
The real police.

Can you arrest someone?

No. Do you carry handcuffs?

No. Can you investigate a crime?

No. Can you Taser someone?

Look, if you've got questions,
Google 'em.


Oh, shit.

You're barely out of short trousers,

where does a teenager hide something
they don't want a parent to find?

Well, my mum's an addict,

so she was the one hiding stuff
from me.

First time I stole anything,

I was so paranoid
my parents would find out,

I didn't even bring it home.

So, where'd you stash it?

My locker. At school.

Oh. Hmm.


Notice how the beeps...

..are getting closer and

closer together...


..but my pace has not slowed.

So do I need to be buying a hat?

Do you need a hat?

I mean for your wedding.

What? No! We're just friends.

Who are living together.

What? As lovers?

No. As roommates. It's temporary.

Yeah, well, my mum moved her
boyfriend in temporarily,

so she said, and Trevor has been
stinking out the bathroom

for months now.


Ah. Ah!

Ah! Oh!

Right. Who wants a go at the
beep test?

I'm fine. A no on the beep testing,
thank you.

All right, fine. Good luck with
all your heart disease.


OK, back to it. You still all have
lots of hours to work off.

Oi, you two. Come here.

So, as trainee PCSO,

that business with your sister

is the last time I turn any more
blind eyes.

Any more trouble from
the two of you,

and it's no more Mrs Nice Guy.

If you feel yourself being pulled to
the dark side,

talk to me. Yeah? Believe it or not,

I used to be a bad girl with
a hot boyfriend like you.

He's not my boyfriend.

Massimo was the hottest boy
in school.

Everyone was jealous.

They were like,
"Diane, how did you bag

"that smoking-hot piece of tail?"

Three words - charisma and cider.

Massimo had a mantra -

"Live fast, die young,

"leave a good-looking corpse."

Which he did.

Massimo died? Yeah.
He was driving a stolen car,

being chased by police,
crashed into a building site.

Scaffolding pole
went right through his brain.

To be honest, he did not leave
a good-looking corpse.

But that woke me up and I turned my
life around 360 degrees.

Doesn't that leave you where
you started?

No, not me.

I'm paying it forward,

giving you both a second
chance, yeah?

So the rest of your life starts
right here,

right now. Yeah?

Right after you pick up
that dog shit.


Greg, what are you doing?!
He's threatening to kill us!

I thought he was flirting.

Do you reckon he's after
that money?

What money?

When I stole the line,
I also stole some money.

Why didn't you tell me this?

The less you know, the less
you're involved.

WHISPERING: I was chased by men
with machetes.

I'm already involved.

Wait, you stole the money?
I thought it was yours.

Why would I have that much money?

Because you're a drug dealer?

Why is he automatically a drug
dealer? What, because he's black?

Because he had hundreds of thousands
of pounds in a bag!

Plus he threatened me.
Right? With a real gun.

Not just his fingers. Look, I'm not
saying he's not a criminal,

but why does he have to be
a drug dealer?

Why can't he be doing tax evasion
or...or art fraud?

Hmm. You've been painting fake
Vermeers, have you?

Where did you get hundreds
of thousands of pounds from?

A drug dealer.

You fucking fuck!

GREG: You stole money from a
drug dealer?!

Now we're going to wind up in the
desert, digging our own graves!

There are no deserts in England.
Well, then...Minehead Beach.

I told you that it was dirty money.

You still took it, though,
didn't you?

You took it? Not just me. Them too.

So j-just return the money, then.


We, uh...we spent it.

You've already spent hundreds
of thousands of pounds?

I didn't.

OK, at least one of us isn't
a total idiot.

My grandson stole my cut.

I withdraw my last remark.

Did...did you spend yours, too?

They didn't give me any money.

They just blackmailed me into
washing it for them.

What does that mean? Is that
getting the fingerprints off?

It means you launder it so it looks
like it was earned legally.

Don't kids in Britain learn
this stuff?

I can't believe I'm the only person
who didn't know about this.

You're not the only one.

Hey, guys, what are we
talking about?

FRANK: Laundry.

Cool. So, I don't know how familiar
you guys are

with the movement of the Sun, but
tomorrow night is the Solstice.

So, I am heading to Ergo,
and I want you all there, OK?

Diane is in. Not to be missed, then.

Drinks are on me, no excuses.

Come on. Let's get ancient.

What are we going to do?!

We could pop down for one drink.

Not the club, the drug dealer!

Have you heard of a con called
The Sasquatch Patsy?

What do they teach in your schools?





My keys are gone.

Have you looked in your bag?

They're not in there.

My man.

What about your pockets?

Why are things always in
the last place you look?

Thank you. Because you stop looking
after you find them.

Grandpa is going to take you
to school today,

so just give me a hug.

Or don't. And learn lots. Mwah!

Bye. Bye.


Thank you. Learn lots.

Lesley. Did we arrange a meeting?

Please sit down, Mr Halloran.

Bye-bye, Grandpa.
Have a wonderful day.


Your father has decided that
Halloran & Son

will sell a minority share to
Hilgard Auto Friction.

Well, hallelujah. You've finally
seen the light, Dad.

Your father will remain as CEO,

but there will be some
workforce optimisation.

I'm here to tell you this is
your final day of employment.


What did she say?
Are you firing me?

Your father feels it's in everyone's
best interests

for you to step away from
Halloran & Son.

Step away from Halloran & Son?!

I'm the Son!

It's vital you don't make
this personal. Is it? OK.

That's fine, because I'm also
company director,

so you can't do this.

The power to remove a director is
granted to the majority shareholders

under the company's
Articles of Association.

I hired you!

I'm employed by the company.

What's...? What are you doing?

What's going...? This is crazy.

What are you doing? I'm your son!

You're making this personal.

Shut up! Don't raise
your voice to a woman.

I'm s-sorry. Sorry.


Why are you doing this?

I forced you into the family trade.

But you're out of your depth.

I blame myself.

Don't take it personally.

It's just business.


Sir. Hi. Um...

..could I ask you a question?


How do you pay off a mortgage?


You put this in the recycling bin?

Yeah. How fucking dumb are you?

This can't be recycled.

Bro, it's cardboard.
Murked in grease and cheese.

Did you not watch the YouTube video
I pinged out to you about this?

Tramps like you are the reason
the planet is dying.

And why didn't you wash my car
like I done told you?

Fam, I'm not your PA. For real.

A PA would have initiative
and at least one GCSE.

Go put this in the proper bin.

And the door opens inwards,

so remember to not hit yourself
in the face this time.


What the fuck are you doing here?

I'm bringing you a peace offering.

Is it that fat stack of cash
you took?


It's him.


It's nice to see you again.

Why are you bringing this
googly-eyed plank to my house?

Bit rude, innit?

He's a lawyer. I've got a lawyer.

Yes, but I suspect your lawyer
probably costs about £150 an hour,

which means by the time you go
to court

for having sent him to do your
community service,

you could be looking at a
ten grand bill.

Whereas his services
will be free of charge,

if we stop this beef and we start
working together.

And do what?

Get the Dean off our backs.

What's stopping me from taking you
to the Dean right now?

Um, if I could take that one?

If anything happens to either of us,

then my associates will make contact
with the Dean

and explain to him how you
tried to...

Um, what was it again?

How you tried to fuck him
with his own dick.

Which, uh...I don't imagine
he will like.

Guess who's back.

Man, not again!

How do I contact the Dean?

How do I contact him?!

You've got a set of balls
on you, mate,

I'll tell you that for nothing.
Yeah? Thanks.

Means a lot coming from you.


Yes? Someone wants to talk to you.

He's got a gun to my head, man!

Who's this? Are you the Dean?

Who wants to know?

The arsehole that stole his money.


You've got some big balls.

Yeah? So I keep hearing.

You're the worst thing to happen
to my business since Covid.

What do you want?

I'm just telling you to call off
your attack dogs.

Isn't he in on this with you?

Nah. Nah, I work alone.

You know, I will find you.

You never heard what happened to
a Brook Hill soldier called Spider?

I heard he got heartburn that put
him in the hospital. Was that you?

Yeah, man, that was me.

And the same goes for anyone you
send that tries to look for me.

But as a show of good faith,

I'm going to leave your
line here.

Yeah? For you to collect at your
own convenience.

Tell him it's there.
Tell him it's there.

Yeah, it's there,
he's telling the truth.

You'll get no more trouble from me

if I get no more trouble from you.

Do we have a deal?

We do.


Thank you.

Close your eyes.

What? Close your fucking eyes!

Wait! There's no need for you to do
this! I haven't done anything wrong!

They just came here, man!
I didn't ask for it, mate!

Come on, I've just got a dog!

Please, man, don't do...


Thank you.

You're a free man now, Frank. Yep.

You can leave any time you want.

Yeah, but Grandpa is going to stay
right here with us, aren't you, Dad?

That's right. Forever and ever!

How would you like to spend your
first night of freedom, Dad?

Would you like meatloaf?
That's your favourite, right?

Meatloaf, that would be wonderful,

but I've been dreaming of sitting in

a bar with a cool glass of beer.

How would you feel if I stepped out
and, you know, wet my tonsils?

I'd feel fine, I don't know
how to make meatloaf.





Got it.

Mum. What are you doing here?

You forgot Mr Snuggles.

You know you can't sleep
without him.

Yes, I can.

So, this is where you live now?


I thought you were
living with a boy.

I'm not living with a boy,
I'm just staying here until...

Until what?

Look, we all said things
that we didn't mean,

but your father and I,

we are willing to draw a line
under everything.

So why don't you
just come back home?

You can finish your studies,
you can take your place at Oxford.

How many times do I have to say
I don't want to go to Oxford?

But I don't understand why not!

Because it's your dream.
It's not my dream, Mum.

So what are you going to do
with your life?

You going to go out
and get some crappy job

and come home every night
to, what, this dump?!

This used to be our thing.

Every Friday night, get a takeaway
and watch Graham Norton.

Come home.

Thanks for bringing Mr Snuggles.





How did it go?

Yeah. We're all good now.



Thank God.

What are you doing here?

I thought I'd come in the club.

Yeah? Yeah, it's a
Friday night, baby.

What else am I going to do? Stay
inside and watch Graham Norton?

Stop the press! You came!

Oh, hi! Oh, come on, let's go in.

Look after her, yeah?
It's her first time in a club.


You're late. I got here at 7pm.

People don't normally come
to nightclubs that early.

Yeah, I know, so I discovered.

I just spent an hour watching them
scrape the gum off the dance floor.

Oh, no, thank you,
I don't drink alcohol.

Why? Is it because you're a Muslim?

I'm not a Muslim.

No? Why don't you drink alcohol?

Uh... Babe, no friend of mine

is going to their grave having not
tried champagne. Drink.


It's, like, bubbly.

That's its nickname.

I think I like champagne.

Oh, woo!



Oh, cheers. Woo!

Well, cheers, everyone.

ALL: Cheers!


Place your bets.

14. 18. 11.


Thank you.

Whoa! No, sweetie.

Ha! You've just had your
first drink,

let's not run before we can walk.

Can we? Oh, yeah, just...just
whatever you want, put it on my tab.

You promised you were going to
cut down on your spending.

They're my friends.


Greg, isn't that your lady
from work?

It is, yeah.

Oh, hello, she's coming over.

What do I do?

Be cool and say hi.

Hey, you. Hi! Oh...

That's fine.

What are you doing here?

Erm, hen do.

Oh, yeah. No, it is...

It's hot in here, isn't it?

It is hot. It is a bit hot, yeah.

I hope it doesn't create humid
crotch conditions

that could lead to a build-up of
fungus in my vaginal cavity.



Right, yeah, do you remember when we
were in the lift

and I was talking about her
fanny, her...?

Um... Can I ask you something
that's, er, sort of embarrassing?

OK, sure.

Could we get a picture
with Lady Gabby?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, hang on.

Is it all right if Anne-Marie and
her friends

have a photo with you, please?

Also, she probably thinks you
and me are dating.

I don't think she does, sweetie.

She probably does, so can you make
it clear that we're not an item?

Hi, I'm Gabby, I'm a lesbian.

OK. Hello again.

Hi. So, I'm happy to have a picture
with you,

but would you do me a favour
in return?

Oh. Yeah, sure, w-w-what's that?

Would you go on a date with my
platonic friend Greg here?

You don't need to do that
if you don't want.


Come on.

Look who's here!

She's coming! Hi! Hi, Gabby!

All right, everyone smile.


Oh, he's here at last.


Where have you been?
Everyone's here.


Would you excuse me for just
one minute?

I expect he's gone to
wash his hands.



What do I do instead of Oxford?

Like, in theory, you know,
I can do anything,

but, you know, man is nothing
without which he makes himself.

Jean-Paul Sartre.

With great power comes
great responsibility.


Exactly. There's so much I
haven't done or...experienced.

Don't tell anyone, but...

..I'm still a virgin.


No, no, no.
I don't need one of those.

Yeah, I used to have that attitude,

and then I got super gonorrhoea.

Front and back.

No, I mean I'm not having
sex tonight.

Oh. Why? Cos you're Muslim?

I'm not a Muslim.

No? Well, what are you waiting
for, then?

I don't know.

Well, a lot of guys here.

Any of them making your
fanny fairies flutter?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

He's kind of cute.

Yeah, not bad, yeah...


Do you like sexual intercourse
with women?


Good. I want to notify you that we

are both available sexually, OK?

I don't do tea-bagging,
golden showers,

or reverse anal, but anything else
is up for grabs.

My friend here, however,
is new to the market,

so I want her to be treated
with care and respect, all right?

And I've got the direct line to
Detective Sergeant Lucy Haines

of the Bristol and
Avon Constabulary,

so any funny business -
ANY funny business -

and you will be prosecuted to
the full extent of the law.

Understood? Understood?

Yes, ma'am.


We'll be sat here
if you want to get some.


Didn't picture
you two as club rats.

Just needed to get out of the house.
Just needed to get out of my flat.

Gabby, can I throw these on your
tab? Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Perfect. Brilliant. Um,
can I grab two more of those?

Do you know all of these people
you're buying drinks for?

Greg, I've told you,
they're my friends.

What's his name?

James. No, Jason.


Definitely begins with a J.

Julian. His name's Julian.
Excuse me, mate, what's your name?


What's your point?

Is it possible that they're not your
actual friends?

Why are they here, then?

Because they're moochers.
Sucking on the Gabby teat.

If any of my friends
are sucking on my teats,

it's you, Mr £150 An Hour.

I'm not your friend, I'm your
lawyer. It's different.

You're not my friend?

Well, no, of course I'm your friend,
I just mean...

I was fixing you up with Anne-Marie

because I thought you were
my friend.

I don't normally help
my employees get laid.

Well, I didn't ask you to do that.

Well, fine, let's make a cost saving
now, shall we? You're fired!

Gabby, come on!
One less mooch sucking on my teat.

Happy now?

You're not serious. Deadly serious!

Go on, get out of here, mooch!

I don't need your money!

Go on, mooch!
Thank you and goodnight!


MUSIC: Incapable
by Roisin Murphy

How did it go?

Yeah, I did what you said and
he seemed to buy it.

Will it work?

Sasquatch Patsy never fails.

Going somewhere?

I'm on the early flight to Rio.

Huh? De Janeiro.

Oh, you're leaving?

Yep. Got a few hours to kill,

then cabbing direct to
Heathrow Airport.

Could you let me know when
my ride arrives?

Yeah, sure.

One more favour.

Deliver this to my daughter.

What is that?

It's £1,000, huh?

50 for your trouble.

I mean, you could've given that to
her yourself before you left.

I prefer what they call
the Dignitas farewell.

Slip away, no fuss.

It's none of my business but if you
take off without saying goodbye,

aren't you worried your daughter's
going to hate you for it?

Yeah, you're right.

It's none of your business.

Frank, you made it!

Hi! Come and dance with me!

Are you drunk?

Yeah, and I love it.

Gabs, I told you to look after her.
She's wasted!

Didn't you hear her? She loves it!

I love it!




Look at you, Diane! Woo!

Uh, can you settle up the tab?

Yeah, sure. Hang on.

Thank you.

Oh, it's been declined.


It didn't work either.

Uh, guys...

..I think my dad has
cancelled my credit cards.

Has anyone got any money?

Oh, sorry, babe. No.

No. Sorry. Are you certain, mate?


Shit. My dad is such an arsehole.

Let me get this.

Thank you.

Oh, Frank, you absolute angel!

Thank you.

God, I wish you were my dad.

Who leaves their only daughter
high and dry at one in the morning?




Which one is ours?

This way. Oh, OK.

This way. Go on.

I'm focused on the car.

DIANE: Right, whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's all right. No need to argue.

We're all going to get a turn.

We just need to rock-paper-scissors
for who goes first, all right?

And we need a safe word, yeah?

I've got you down for
Heathrow Airport.

Is that right, mate?


Where do you want to go?


Kind sir, I...I do like you.

Relax. Woo! Oh, God.

I think you should be going to sleep
alone, Rani. I don't think so.

I think we should sleep together.

Goodnight, Rani.

Look. So much room.

Come back.


You utter scumbucket, piece of shit,

wanker, bastard, arsehole...



Where's the money, Frank?

I know you found it, but
what have you done with it?

Dad, are you just getting home?

Margie, I'm sorry,
I lost track of time.

Well, I'll be honest, I did, erm,
start worrying that

you'd left us again.

No, Margie, I'm here
for the long haul.

In fact, around here it's
about time I contributed.

How about I start by
paying off your mortgage?


Sorrym that is...

..that's really sweet but, I mean,
you can't even pay a parking ticket.


Where did you get all this money?

For once in my life,
I'm going to come clean.

I won it.


Oh, Frank!

You're drunk.

No, I'm not.

That's what drunk people say.

No, I'm sober.

I promise.

MUSIC: All Time
by A.S. Fanning

Is that...

..Raphael or Donatello...?

Yeah, that's my guy Donnie.

Ninja Turtles.

What? OK.


What's...? What? Don't judge me.

No. It's all good.
You know they're wavy.

Yep. Very wavy.


Are you sure you want to do this?


No, are you sure?


Where did you get that?


Please don't talk about
Diane right now!

# You know I'm happy to
be your friend

# Till the leaves
or the stars descend

# But I'm there, I'm here

# And I'm 16, standing,
holding two cans of beer... #

Ugh, so my dad has
changed all the locks

and I don't have anywhere
to sleep tonight

and, look, I know you've got
that spare room...

No, I did not nearly burn down
the flat last time!

I lit some tea candles
then went to Ibiza!

Hi, is this Izzy's phone?

Oh, my God, why is she in hospital?!


So you're saying that you're not
happy sharing your flat

but you are happy sharing
my cocaine all night?

So if Izzy's in hospital, does that
mean her flat's empty tonight?

Hey, you. It's Gabby Penrose-Howe.

We slept together on New Year's Eve.

Listen, look, I know I said
I'd call and I didn't,

but I'm calling now.

Fancy sleeping together
again tonight?

Give me a call when you get this.


Hi, this is
Lady Gabriella Penrose-Howe.

We met at the club earlier.

I don't suppose you've got
a sofa or anything that

I could crash on tonight?

Oh, no, I got your name
from the receipt.

Yeah, it's just under
suggested gratuity,

which you may recall I did give you
in full, in cash.


You OK?


Now I'm a woman of the world.


You're wondering what all
the fuss was about?

Actually, I'm thinking it was
worth waiting for.

Thank you...for being...

It's... Thank you.


OK, fuck, fuck, fuck...!

Esme... What were you doing
out so late?

It's four in the morning.

Esme, it's four...







You were right.

I have no real friends.

I don't have anywhere else to go.

You better come in, then.

Thank you.

I've had a gun pointed in
my face twice, yeah?

Well, not again.

I want to get clean, man.

I want you to put me in rehab
and witness protection.

Tell us what you know.

I ain't saying nothing till I get
full immunity and rehoused,

and I want to go somewhere nice,
you know, in the countryside,

with fields and cows and shit.

We can't ask our boss for
fields and cows and shit

unless you give us something.

Like the men who were serving up
from your house. Oh...

Have you head of someone
called The Dean?

Oh, bloody hell.
I thought you was detectives.


Tell us about The Dean.

The Dean runs county lines
into Bristol.

For years he's been grooming
local kids to work for him.

Well, from what I've heard,
he's a savage.

And I mean proper psycho.

Tea, anyone?

You're Ben,

nightclub doorman.

And you're Rani,

a brainbox with
a scholarship to Oxford.

I know who you are.

I know where you live.

I know everything about you.

Do you know who I am?


I'm the person you stole that
impossible amount of money from.

And somehow you assumed
I wouldn't find out.

We never stole anything.

He's right.

Well, instead of me accusing you
and then you denying,

why don't I bring my star witness
to the stand?

What are you do...?
You sold me out, you prick?!

What did you expect?

You treat me like dirt.

You show man no respect.

Is this about the pizza box?

I told you, you can't recycle them
when they're dirty, bruv.

It's not just that, bro.

You're small fry.

There's no career progression
with you.

I've hit a ceiling.

Yeah? You hit a ceiling with
your head when you flew out

your mum's gaping vagina.
That's why you're so fucking dumb!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, relax.

All right?

Take a seat. Sit down.

Put your feet up.


I hate thieves.

Do you know why?

Because they're lazy.

A businessman like myself
works hard for years,

building a nest egg.

And then some wanker who'd rather
sit on his arse that do

a decent day's work thinks he can
just breeze in and take it all.


The only thing I hate
more than thieves...

..are snitches.

Snitches are like whores.

They'll open their mouths
to anyone for the right price.


You broke my leg, man! Yeah, I know.

You broke my fucking leg! I know!

I need a hospital, man!

Yeah. Mile End Hospital is
a 20-minute walk.

How am I meant to walk
with a broken leg?!

Very slowly, I imagine.

Fuck off, snitch!


Now, just so there are no surprises,
let me just make myself

very, very clear.

One of you is
not leaving here alive.

Ain't no need for all that, bro.

But there is a need for that, bro,

cos I need to set a fucking example.

Stop! We'll give you the money back!

We'll pay the money back!

It's too late for that.
Please! We'll pay it back and more!

More? Please... More?

Please, just, you can't kill
him, please!

No. Not interested.

We'll... What?

We'll wash it for you. Wash it?
Wash it.

How are you going to do that?

I, erm, know someone, a dodgy
lawyer. A dodgy lawyer?

Please... Have you soiled yourself,
cos I smell bullshit?

No, its not bullshit!
Please, please, give us...

..eight weeks. Eight weeks?

How are you going to make that kind
of bread in eight weeks?

Because I'm a brainbox with
a scholarship to Oxford.




MUSIC: Far From Any Road
by The Handsome Family

# She twines her spines up slowly

# Towards the boiling sun

# And when I touched her skin

# My fingers ran with blood. #