The Other Two (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - Cary Gets His Ass Handed to Him - full transcript
Cary obsesses over the release of Curtis's new series while trying to salvage his own.
- Yeah, then I
have a watch party
for Curtis' new show tonight,
but I'm worried it's
gonna be so bad?
- Oh, no, really?
- Yeah.
I mean, his character
was fully a woman,
and then they just
made her a gay guy
without changing any lines.
- Well, that is
how you guys talk.
I mean, not you,
but the fun ones.
Also, are you sure that Lucas
doesn't wanna walk with us?
He's been, like, ten paces
behind us all morning.
- Oh, no, he's in
this new miniseries
about a gay serial
killer, so technically,
he's hunting me right now.
- Hunting you?
- Yeah, funny, right?
He's actually playing
one of the most prolific
gay serial killers of all time.
He's a sociopath who used to
chop his victims' penises up
into little pieces and
then eat the pieces.
- So I take it,
still not having sex.
- No, and he's not even
really sleeping over now...
For my safety.
- This is so terrifying.
- Yeah, but it's for his art.
- No, I mean you.
You're terrifying.
Oh, it's our new stepdad.
- Holy shit.
- He just calls us now?
- Hi, Daddy.
- Brooke, hi.
Uh, I was just calling 'cause
it's your mom's
birthday tomorrow,
and she said the only
thing she wants to do
is have a normal family
dinner at Applebee's
like you all used to in Ohio.
No security, nothing.
- Sorry, she's a billionaire
and she wants to
eat at Applebee's?
The food is vile.
- L-O-L, that is
legit impossible.
She needs security if she's
gonna eat at the Applebee's
in, what, Times Square?
They'll need to
pre-screen all the diners,
shut down Midtown,
plus with you,
you guys'll be swarmed.
How does she think
this is gonna happen?
- She said maybe we
could just ask everyone
to be cool, like, really nicely.
Both: Be cool?
- Listen, we all know
this can't happen,
but she seems really
desperate, you know,
and I kinda wanna do
something nice for her
since we've just been
on the Marvel plane
having sex for the last month.
- And that's a bad thing?
- So I think I figured out a way
to give this to her.
You guys free tonight?
- I mean, I just
have to pop out early
for a friend's watch
party, but sure.
- Great. I'll text
you the address.
- Well, isn't it just the
Applebee's in Times...
Uh, he hung up.
Aww, and wait.
Maybe the show will be good.
I mean, Curtis is funny.
- Yeah, totally.
It could be good.
Yeah, maybe it'll be good.
That'd be great if it was good.
Yeah.
- ♪ I-I-I'm a winner ♪
- Okay, we need to
talk about this.
- Hi, y'all. Beautiful
day in the industry.
- Brooke, you're
three hours late.
- Yeah, sorry, I've just
been brainstorming ways
I can use the P!
Network... For good!
I was thinking maybe
an interview series
where my mom sits down
with a new powerful
woman each week.
Malala. Greta Thunberg.
Malala.
- You started with Malala.
Also, this took you three hours?
- It actually takes
my breath away
thinking about all the good
I'm now gonna do for people...
Nay, women.
- That's great, but first,
we have a situation.
- Hmm.
- Chase and Pam broke up.
- Wait, what?
- Yup.
- Is it public?
- Yeah, we tweeted it.
We still love each other.
We've just grown apart
since 18 days ago.
- No. Fuck!
Shuli, I wanna help women.
My first day back, I can't
send a woman to the woods.
- Sorry, what's this?
- Well, you know how it goes.
They broke up, it's out there,
and now Pam does
simply have to go
live out the rest of
her days in the woods.
- No, I know how
it goes. I just...
- Wait, wait, we don't
know how it goes.
- Yeah, Chase and I broke up,
so now I have to
live in the woods?
- Let's just show 'em the video.
What? Coming, coming.
- Cary Dubek?
- Yes, can I, uh...
Okay, you're just coming in.
- Sorry, on a tight skedge.
Do you get a lot of
street noise in here?
- Sorry, who and why are you...
- Sheila!
I'm here to record your
ADR for "WindWeaver."
Didn't anybody call you?
- No.
The... the fantasy
show I shot in Croatia?
Is that coming out?
- Yup!
Whole thing's dropping
on Netflix next week,
though beats me how they get
it done in time.
- Why? Is something wrong?
- All I know is, post
is a fucking mess.
We've got no mix, no color.
I'm not even supposed
to be doing this,
but the post supe quit
this a.m., so voilà!
I am not kidding when I say that
everybody on this show...
Except me... is crazy.
- So I'm in another bad thing?
- Okay, shh. Here's
the scene we need.
- I've seen this place
before in my dreams.
And I pray he's here.
- Who?
- The WindWeaver.
The one who weaves the wind.
Onward!
Man, this show is not for me.
Anyway, you got it?
- No.
Sorry, what am I recording?
My character literally
never speaks...
In this scene or ever.
I was basically an
extra for eight months.
- Right, so you know
how everyone in the show
goes on these little quests?
Well, in the edit, they realized
that you can never tell where
the fuck any of you are,
so they're having people
ADR extra shit like,
"Oh, look, we're here now!"
or, "Oh, we've arrived
at this place!"
Hoping to hell they can
make it make sense quick.
So over your back,
after the main
guy says "onward,"
they want you to now say...
"Yes, onward ho, to the
Port City of Gargool."
Jesus fucking Christ.
Okay, ready?
Yes.
- Sorry, what is this?
- It looks like an
orientation video?
- Hello!
If you're watching
this, it's because
you broke the heart
of a beloved pop star
with millions of fans
and are now moments away
from being doxxed
to death by them.
- Wait, what?
- But don't worry.
That's where we come in.
Welcome to New Beginnings.
At New Beginnings, we
provide a safe haven
for girls like you...
Girls who have been
forced to leave society
because their names, addresses,
and Social Security numbers
have all been posted online
by their ex's fans...
Fans who love their pop
star and now hate you
because of what you did to him.
- Uh...
- Here, you'll live
a simple life but a good one,
and no hate mail
can reach you here
because there is no mail.
New Beginnings is
completely off the grid
and not on any map,
all to give you peace of
mind that no teen girl
will ever find and kill you.
Also, Sunday is Craft Day.
- Okay, no, Pam isn't
living in the woods
'cause a couple of
my fans are mad.
- Yeah, and we said
the breakup was mutual.
Why would they blame me?
- Now, I'm sure at this
point, you're thinking,
"We said the breakup was mutual.
Why would they blame me?"
Simply put, you're the girl.
Maybe if you were
Rihanna, it'd be fine,
but if you're watching this,
you're probably
not Rihanna, so...
woods it is!
- No, no, I'm just
gonna go home to Iowa.
This'll blow over.
- And by now you're thinking,
"I'll just go home to
Iowa. This'll blow over."
But if you're this far in,
your home has been set on fire.
- What? No, it
hasn't. I'm Googling.
- And by now you're
Googling, but trust me.
It's on fire.
- Oh, my God, it is.
Do I have to go
live in the woods?
Onward!
- Yes, onward ho!
To the Port City of Gargool!
- No! No.
Something's off.
Think, Sheila. God!
I haven't had time to go
to the doctor in years,
but something is definitely
up, if you catch my drift.
- Is the drift
a... A brain tumor?
- Oh, they want you to sound
like you're on a horse.
So let's just do it again,
but this time, bounce up
and down while you do it.
- Oh, okay. Sure.
- The one who weaves the wind.
Onward!
- Yes!
Onward ho! To the...
- No! Fuck!
Something's still missing.
What did they want?
- I don't...
- I know it was
something stupid.
Oh! Oh! The teeth!
They want you to wear
the little elf teeth.
Oh, my God, Hank
would've killed me
if I forgot the teeth.
Or did he quit too?
I have worked on a lot of shows,
but this, by far, is the worst.
- Cool, cool.
Um, have you heard anything
about this new Paramount+
show, "Girlies"?
- Oh, God, I heard
that show's a dream.
I would kill to be on that show.
- So Rotten Tomatoes-wise,
we talking what,
like, 90, 92% Fresh?
- Maybe it won't be so bad.
This one girl taught
herself woodworking.
- No, no, no, this
is... This is insane.
Why didn't you guys tell
me this could happen?
Well, we tried, bud,
but you said you wanted to
be treated like an adult,
make your own
decisions, remember?
- Okay, well, to be fair,
you did release my album
on the day of the insurrection.
- Oh, my God,
enough of this shit!
You wanna be an adult?
Here's the truth.
- God, no, Shuli, no.
- We didn't release your album
on the day of the insurrection.
Your album was so bad,
I created the insurrection!
- What?
- Don't be mad, bud.
You're just...
you're not that
great of a singer.
- You suck. I
mean, you're cute,
but you suck.
And it's wild that
you don't know that.
So in order to distract
from your album,
I spent months
radicalizing people
to storm the Capitol
on the day it dropped.
Chase, I'm Q.
- Oh, my God.
It was... it was that bad?
Shit, I... I don't want Pam
now to go to the
woods 'cause of me.
- There's gotta be something
we can do to help her.
I mean, my whole thing
is helping women.
Starting today.
There is one
thing, I mean, we could try.
Something that might make
all of Chase's fans Team Pam.
- What is it? I'll do it.
- Well, I'd usually only do this
after a divorce, but...
we need to make you a bad boy.
- Wait, I don't understand
why we're on a lot.
Like, I've shot here before.
- I know.
This was supposed to be
a normal family
dinner at Applebee's?
- Oh, "Normal Family
Dinner at Applebee's."
That's Stage 7, that way.
- Wait. What?
- Move, move, move.
- Oh, my God.
- All right, everyone,
my servers, my diners,
Pat should be here in five.
Thank you all for doing this.
If everything goes smoothly,
we should be able
to give Pat Dubek
a nice, normal dinner
with her family, huh?
All right.
- Holy shit.
Simu Liu recreated an
entire Applebee's for her?
This is insane.
- Hey, welcome.
Pat's children, yes.
We have you right here
at the hero table.
- Sorry, so this is,
like, a full production?
All of you, you're actors?
- Yep.
Simu's goal is to give
your mom the normal dinner
she actually can't have anymore.
Which reminds me,
guys, in reality,
Pat would be swarmed
in a place like this,
so unless you are Katrina,
your job is to ignore her.
Don't look at Pat,
don't talk to Pat.
As far as you're concerned,
Pat doesn't exist.
- Wait, so she doesn't know
this is all fake?
Isn't that fucked?
- Oh, and guys at the bar...
- Uh...
- Well, I guess I
hope this works.
- I mean, I do think Mom
needs a normal night,
or at least to feel like
she can still have one?
- Oh, hey, such good
news about Curtis' show.
- What? Is it bad?
- No, I said "good news."
It's 100% Fresh on
Rotten Tomatoes.
- What? 100% - Yeah.
I mean, only one
review is out so far,
but it's Fresh. Eee!
- Yes, yes, that's amazing.
- Yeah.
- Um, I just need to run
to the bathroom real quick.
- Okay, places,
everyone, places.
And remember, you're
at dinner, so have fun,
uh, but also, it's Applebee's,
so there should be some
deadness behind the eyes,
kinda like, uh, "We
could've eaten anywhere.
Why'd we choose
here?" sort of thing.
Here we go.
No.
Can it be?
"A delightful
romp"? Oh, my God.
Curtis' bad show...
Is good?
Oh, hi. Sorry.
- Okay, okay, Pat's here.
And action, everyone!
Whoa.
This looks so real.
- And we are here. Ta-da!
Surprise!
- What?
Oh, my God, Simu. Applebee's!
- Yep.
Just a normal family
dinner at Applebee's,
just like you wanted.
- But how?
And with no security?
- Well, I called ahead and
asked everyone to be cool,
just like you suggested.
- What, really?
I mean, I told you
that could maybe work.
Brookie! Cary!
- Hey!
- Isn't this wild?
I'm in Applebee's!
- Yeah, happy birthday.
- Oh!
Simu just asked everyone
to be cool for the night.
- Yeah, such a good idea.
- Yeah, Simu Liu is
such a good daddy.
- You know I'm, like, three
years younger than you, right?
- Eee! I just can't believe it.
No one's looking at me
or taking a picture.
Everyone's just talking
to themselves...
Saying "peas and carrots" a lot.
I guess we'll have
to order those.
Anyway, hooray! Let's
start this normal dinner.
- Okay.
- Er, wait, Cary,
is that your boyfriend with
a knife behind the bar?
- Oh, good, I wasn't
sure if he could make it.
And yes, he is in character
as a serial killer,
so he will be
stalking us all night.
Just ignore.
- Okay. That's fine, I guess.
And at least everything
else is normal.
- Ooh, yay! Chase is here.
- Hey, everyone, just
wanted to hop on here
and tell all my fans
to suck my dick.
That's right. This
is how I talk now.
So if you're my fan, you're
a bitch, and you suck.
- Oh, no. What's going on? Why
does Chasey look like that?
- Don't worry, he's just
pretending to be bad
so his fans will side
with Pam in the breakup
and not try and
dox her to death.
- Yes, otherwise Pam goes
to live in the woods.
- Yeah, and I really
don't wanna do that.
- No, I can imagine.
- So yeah, we will...
I am actually doing
a very good thing
for another woman.
And other than a
couple Instagram Lives,
we can still have a totally
normal family dinner.
- Anyway, idiots, imagine trying
to share a life with all this.
Guess it makes sense if
you guys side with Pam
'cause as the new
tattoo on my ass says,
I stink.
God, it feels so weird
acting like that.
Oh, hey, Mom. Happy birthday.
- Oh, thank you, Chasey.
And you promise me
all those are fake?
'Cause they're awful,
honey. You look dead.
- Mom, they're awful on purpose.
Streeter picked them out.
- Yeah, yeah, I worked very hard
to find the extra
right bad ones.
My fave is probably
this one right here
that simply says "piss."
- Yes, I can see that it does
say "piss" on my son's chest.
- And this one here is Piglet,
but with tits.
And then under his arm
is Eeyore, but with tits.
And on his back is
the day his dad died.
- I'm sorry, how
is that one bad?
- I mean, you didn't
let me finish.
With tits.
Bing-bong.
- Anyway, very nice to
meet you... Simu Liu.
You take good care
of my Patty, okay?
- Sorry, can we please
stop talking about tits?
I'm just trying to have a
nice, normal family dinner.
- Absolutely.
- You got it.
- Hi, there. My
name's Katrina,
and I'll be your
server this evening.
- Oh, nice to meet you, Katrina.
- But I think you should
know I'm actually an actor.
- Oh, wow, wonderful.
You know, my son,
Cary, was a server
while he was trying
to make it too.
And now he has,
and he's so happy.
- "Girlies" is
"positively charming"?
- Anyway, I am gonna have
your big, fat steak, please,
and I don't see it on the
menu, but I'm gonna have
the peas and carrots that
everyone's talking about,
sometimes at the same
time on top of each other?
- Okay, I guess... sounds good.
Let me go check on those.
- Okay, good.
- Cary Dubek!
Oh, there you are.
Fuck!
- What? Honey, who is this now?
- Wait, what are you doing here?
Also, how did you find me?
- We need to redo your ADR.
Apparently, someone
lost the drive.
Not sure if he told you,
but his new show is a mess.
People don't even want
their names on this show.
- Oh, honey, I'm so
sorry to hear that.
- So it's, like,
for sure bad? Still?
- Okay, here are your
teeth, and they said that
you didn't really sound like
you were on a horse last time,
so maybe this time, you can just
hop on somebody's back and
ride 'em like a horsey.
- Oh, you can ride me
like a horsey, bud.
- I'm absolutely not
doing that, Simu Liu.
- No, no, no, don't
be ridiculous.
I'm an actor, okay?
I totally get ADR, and plus,
Marvel pays me to stay
jacked all the time anyway.
Pretty sure I could
take your weight easy.
What are you, like, 110, 115?
Seriously. Ride me, Cary.
- Wait...
- Ride me!
- Can we at least go
outside where it's quieter?
- You mean Times Square?
- Right.
Outside is, uh, is Times Square.
Sure is.
- So I guess I
have to do it here.
- Not a prob.
I will just cover you
with this sound blanket.
Okay.
Whenever you're ready, go ahead.
- Yes, onward ho!
To the Port City of Gargool!
- Aww, Cary.
Now both you and Mom
have ridden the star
of a Marvel movie.
- Uh-oh. Brooke.
We have a code red.
- What? What's wrong?
- Uh, comments are coming
in about Chase's new vibe,
and his fans freaking love it?
- What? But he's vile!
"Oh, my God, Chase
is so sexy now"?
"I love Chase's tattoos
because a body's hottest
when you can't see it"?
"I never got Chase's
appeal before,
but now I wanna bleep
his bleep-bleep"?
- Honey, please.
- Shh! I'm getting room tone.
- And his fans are
also madder now at Pam?
- Oh, no.
- They are?
- "How could Pam
break up with Chase
when he is this hot?"
"We should kill Pam
by tomorrow's end."
"Also, I know for a fact
"Pam's aunt works at
Kaiser in Modesto.
Maybe kill her too.
IDK, just spitballing."
- Fuck!
We forgot that everyone
loves a bad boy now.
Like, it's actually hot and good
to be ugly and bad.
- It's okay; the problem
is just the boy part.
He shouldn't be a bad boy.
We need to make him...
a bad dude.
- Yes!
- No...
- Chase, come with me.
- Uh-uh...
- Don't worry, Pam.
We're still gonna help
you. It's what I do.
- Okay! All set!
Great.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
- Thank you, sir. You
made an excellent horsey.
- Fuck. Just fucking kill me.
- And she ordered
peas and carrots,
but we don't have that.
Okay, I'll just send a
PA to the store and...
- Ugh. God.
- Have him buy a bag of peas...
I think there's a Whole
Foods in Williamsburg.
Can someone print me out
a petty cash form, please?
- Also, I still do think she
should know what's going on.
- Hey, Curtis.
- Hey.
- I was just calling 'cause, uh,
I'm not sure I'm
gonna be able to make,
uh, your viewing party anymore.
- Ooh, really?
- Yeah, yeah, it's just I
have this dinner for my mom,
and I thought I was
gonna be able to pop out,
but now it just feels...
Feels a little rude.
- Okay.
- But hey.
Congrats on the show.
I wish I could be there.
- Yeah, I mean, if...
If you can't make it,
then you can't make it, so...
- Yeah, I just...
- Oh, hi, sweetheart.
Are you okay?
You just seemed a
little upset when...
- No, no, no, I'm...
I'm totally fine.
Uh, why don't you just
go back to your table?
Now.
- Okay.
Is there a printer in here?
- Oh, no, no, no.
I mean, this is an
Applebee's in Times Square,
so who knows what
people do in here.
Okay, bye now.
- Okay.
Hello, Pat.
- Jesus.
- Hey, did you see the sad
news about Curtis' show?
- Yes, I know.
It's 100% Fresh.
- Okay, what are
these reactions?
I said "sad."
The rest of the reviews came in,
like, 95 of them,
and they're all bad.
That first review was
the only good one.
- Oh. No.
Really? What
exactly do they say?
Like, um, verbatim.
- Hi there, I just wanted
to apologize for my family.
I feel like we're making
quite the scene tonight.
- Oh, um...
Peas and carr... er... I...
- Like, here you are, trying
to run a normal establishment,
and my family comes
in and acts insane.
So I wanna pay for
everyone's meals.
- Oh, um, using...
Using this machine.
- Uh, yeah.
You can just run
it in front of me.
I'll just wait here
while you do it.
- Yes, sure.
I'll do that... now.
Beep, boop.
Okay, you're all set.
- Sorry, I just saw you
slide the card on nothing
and say "beep, boop"
with your mouth.
I'm sorry
about her. She's new.
Anyways, hi, Ms. Dubek,
I am the general manager,
and I'm actually on the phone
with Mr. Applebee's right now.
He wanted me to tell you
that everyone's meals
are on the house tonight
in honor of your birthday.
Thank you, sir. I
just told her, sir.
Uh-huh, ta-ta, sir.
Yeah, so there's, um,
no need to pay at all.
You can just, uh, head
back to your table.
- Sorry, so that
was Mr. Applebee's?
- Yes, Mr...
Randolph Applebee's.
Anyway, enjoy your
family dinner.
Your food will be right out.
- Okay.
Thank you.
We got it!
- Oh, here's a good
one, here's a good one.
"Entertainment Weekly"
calls it "dismal
and embarrassing."
- Okay, "EW," make it personal.
- Oh, and "Vulture"
wants to know,
"was this character a woman,
and they just turned it
into a gay guy last minute?"
Uh, yes, they did,
bitch.
- Drag her, "Vulture"!
Oh, my God!
Flowers for me?
All: Ooh!
- Hey!
- Ooh, Cary.
I thought you
couldn't come anymore.
- Oh, no, I figured
it out. Hooray!
All: Hey.
- Happy watch party, everyone.
Yeah, I just had this little
dinner thing for my mom,
and I wasn't sure I
could pop out early,
but then I thought about
it more, and I was like,
"I can pop out early."
Gotta be here to support
your show, right?
- Go fuck yourself, Cary.
- Wait, what?
So weird.
Sorry, ma'am?
I just... have you been
to this Applebee's before?
I know this is
gonna sound crazy,
but I... I just... I feel
like something's off.
Oh, sorry.
Hi, Chasey.
Wait, what is this?
What are you wearing?
- Hey, Mom, I'm here
to challenge you
to box me live in Las
Vegas this Saturday.
And guess what, Mom?
I'm gonna kick
your freakin' ass!
- What? Is this real?
Honey, I'm not boxing you.
- You heard it.
My mom's a coward.
- Ahh!
- It's working.
People are commenting that
Chase seems deeply unwell.
- Yes! Thank God.
- Wait, wait.
They're also saying Pam
must have done this to him?
- What?
- "Before Pam left,
"Chase would've never tried
to box his mother in Las Vegas"?
Oh, my God, this
country hates women.
You
almost gotta laugh.
- Fuck! So bad
boy was nothing,
and now bad dude's not
enough, which means...
we need to make him a bad man.
Someone I, as a woman,
could never support.
Okay, Chase, listen closely.
So sorry for all
this chaos, ma'am.
Huh? Uh...
What the fuck?
- Peas and carrots.
Peas and carrots.
Peas and carrots.
Peas and carrots.
- Mom, Mom! Hey! What's wrong?
- Is everything okay?
- I think something weird
is going on in here.
Have you guys noticed?
- What?
- Seems pretty normal to me.
- Yeah.
This is actually one of
the most normal experiences
I've had in a restaurant.
- I just... there
was some weird dummy
in the bathroom
just now, and also,
I don't know if you
guys have noticed,
but everybody's been raving
about the peas and carrots,
but no one's actually
eating the peas and carrots.
I don't even think they have
peas and carrots on the menu...
- All right, here we go.
First things first, our
famous peas and carrots.
- There we are.
- She was just
wondering about those.
- I bet.
- Oh!
- Okay. And here's your steak.
I guess bon appétit.
Back with the rest in a sec.
Okay.
I'm so sorry for acting
crazy a second ago.
I guess they do have
peas and carrots.
I'm sorry, guys.
Ah, ah.
Mmm. Wow.
This steak is truly
mouthwatering.
I mean, it's, like, the
best steak I've ever had
in my entire life.
- Mm.
- So I guess I just
have one question.
- Yeah?
- Where the fuck am I?
Mom!
- Curtis! Wha...
Wait, wait, hold on, what...
What did I do?
- Cary.
I'd like you to leave.
- Wha... what the...
What are you talking
about? That's insane.
I'm... I'm here to support you.
- No, you're not. You're
not here to support me.
If you were actually
trying to support me,
you wouldn't have bailed when
you thought my show was good
and then shown up once
you knew it was bad.
- What? That... that's
not what happened.
I was literally at
a dinner for my mom,
and it felt rude to leave her.
- Yeah... but you did leave.
So what, what stopped
you from feeling rude?
- I...
- I think you saw the first
Rotten Tomatoes review and
everyone posting about it
and got jealous that
the show was good,
and you couldn't
stand to come anymore.
And then when the
bad reviews went up,
you did feel like coming, so...
- You think I went through
all those mental gymnastics?
It's actually sad that
my friend would think
that I would do
that. I'm not...
- It's sad that I know
my friend did that.
And I never would've jumped
to that conclusion last year,
but this year,
I'm jumping to it,
'cause I... I... I
do. I... I...
I do think that's what happened.
- Well, it's not!
I haven't even checked
Rotten Tomatoes once all day.
- Well, then, show
me your phone.
- What?
- Open your phone
and show me the last
page on your browser.
- Sorry, can you
repeat the question?
Where am I?
Where the fuck am I?
- Hey, sweetie, just calm down.
- Mom, you are a
very famous woman
holding people at
knifepoint in an Applebee's.
- You. What is going on here?
- Peas and carrots, peas and...
- Hello! Talk to me!
They
told us not to.
Both: Peas and carrots.
- What? Who's "they"?
Who is "they"?
- Don't worry, nobody can
talk about any of this.
They all signed NDAs.
- Who did?
For what, Simu?
- Uh...
- Uh, okay, Mom, why don't
we just take a breath
and enjoy your nice,
normal family dinner?
- Oh, my God. Why is nobody...
- I'll talk to her.
Uh, hey, Pat. Oh, shit.
- We're not in Times
Square, are we?
Oh, God, none of this is real.
- What are you talking
about? Babe, of course it is.
- Hi, everyone, I
just wanted you all
to meet my new
girlfriend, Everly.
- What? Chase has
a new girlfriend?
- Okay, no, so this is not real.
- The two of us met at church.
That's right; the
Lord gave her to me.
- No.
- And the thing that I love
most about her is the
way she looks at me...
- No.
- The way she worships me...
- No.
- And the way she'll provide me
with strong, healthy sons.
No, stop it, Chase!
What are you doing?
This isn't normal!
None of this is fucking normal!
- No, Mom, this thing
with Chase is normal.
It's so we don't have to send
Pam to the woods, remember?
- Yeah, couldn't be more normal.
- No, no, this isn't
right. Where am I?
- Oh, no, babe. Oh, no,
no, no, no. Oh, no...
- Ah! Brooke!
- Oh, my God, we're inside?
- Brooke, Brooke, it worked.
We got our first #TeamPam.
- We did?
- Yes. "Oh, my God, eww,
what is this Christian shit?"
- What the fuck?
- "Thank God Pam got
away, this is cringe."
- Yes!
- "I guess I'm #TeamPam."
- Oh, my God. We did it!
I did it!
Yep.
You came up with the
most bad man there is.
A good man.
- I don't have to
go to the woods!
- Yeah!
- I did a good thing!
I did a good thing!
Sweetie, no!
- Holy shit!
Wait, no, Mom, this isn't safe.
Just come back
and we'll explain.
- Oh, God, someone help
me! Please help me!
- Hello, Mrs. Dubek.
I can help you.
- No. Get away from me!
Get the fuck away from me!
- Mom, this is crazy.
- Mom, come back!
- Simu, do something!
- Get me out of here!
Ah! What the fuck?
Get me the fuck out!
Oh, my God.
Pam has found out.
- I was right.
This was fake.
You're actors?
You're all actors?
- I did try to tell you, girl.
So come on. Let's see it.
Okay, you know what? No. I'm
not showing you my phone.
I might have porn up.
- Oh, my G...
We both know you
don't have porn up.
Fuck.
Fuck, Cary.
I just, like, wanted you to be
fuckin' happy for me as
my friend, but you can't.
Like, you probably
can't be happy for me.
You didn't wanna come tonight
because you were worried
I was getting something,
that I was gonna have a win.
- That's not true!
I want you to have wins.
I helped you get "Gay Minute"
and "Age Net Worth Feet"!
All I do is support you!
- You support me
when I'm below you!
You're happy for me
when I'm below you,
not when you think that
I might be your equal,
or, God forbid, above you.
And you're in luck
'cause my show sucks,
so back below ya, baby.
- So what, you ju... You
just think I'm a monster?
- I... I tried to be patient.
But we don't hang out anymore.
And when we do, it
is only about you.
But then last month, when
we came to your movie,
you wouldn't even
get a drink afterward
because you said
you had to sleep.
- I did have to sleep.
- Okay.
Okay.
Um...
You know what?
I'm 35 years old.
And I want good
friends in my life.
And I have good friends
in my life, and...
And I don't think
you're one of them now.
So, um...
yeah, I want you to go.
- Okay.
I guess... I guess I'll go.
- Oh, there you are!
- Oh, my God.
- Okay, now I lost the drive.
Here are your teeth.
And which one of your friends
wants to get on all fours
so you can ride
him like a horsey?
- I just... I really thought
I was having a
normal family dinner.
And I was excited! I
was so fucking excited.
- Pat, baby, that's...
That's why I did all this.
- Yeah, we thought
it would be nice
for you to feel
normal for a night.
- Well, guess what? This
was the least normal thing
that's ever happened to me
in my entire fucking life!
I can't believe
you did this to me.
- Told you.
- I just... I can't
do anything anymore.
Do you understand?
Like, I can't go eat.
I can't take a walk.
I can't date a normal person
without being a burden.
- Hey, you were never
a burden, sweetie.
- No, I was. I
know that I was.
- I'm sorry. That
must be so hard.
- Yeah, that must
be so tough, Pat.
- Yeah, and now the only man I
can date is Marvel's Simu Liu.
Like, Marvel's Simu Liu is the
only type of man I can be with?
- Okay, can't say I feel
bad for you on that.
- I mean, for the last month,
all I've been able to do
"for my safety" is
sit on a private jet
and get eaten out nonstop
by Marvel's Simu Liu.
Like, that's my whole life.
- Yeah, I do think we
should just move off
of the whole "Marvel's
Simu Liu" stuff.
- Yeah, not sure you realize
how you're coming across.
- Oh, who gives a fuck, Katrina?
You signed an NDA, honey,
so you can't say jack shit
about how I'm "coming across."
And Simu doesn't even know
what he's doing down
there, so there.
Wait, what?
- I just...
I just feel like I can't
be in the world anymore.
Like I've ruined my life.
I've ruined my whole life.
- Oh, Mom.
- Do you... do you
wanna go for a walk?
No.
I just... I wanna be alone.
I'm not mad, I...
I just wanna be by myself.
- Mom.
- Uh...
- All right, load out.
Load out to truck four.
- Wow, this burger
is actually good.
- It should be.
It's Peter Luger.
I guess cheers
to a truly apocalyptic
night for our family.
- I know. Hope Mom's okay.
- Aww. Me, too, bud.
But hey, at least we helped Pam.
It's not nothing.
- Totally.
It just sucks 'cause everyone
does think I'm bad now.
Like, everyone's just saying
really mean stuff online.
- Oh.
Fuck. I mean, duh,
but... Shit, I...
- Hey. Did I miss
it? How'd it go?
- Bad, man. Went real bad.
- But hey, congrats
on 100% Fresh.
- What?
Is a "WindWeaver" review up?
- No, like 200 reviews are up.
I guess 'cause it's good,
they decided to post them early.
They're saying it's
a legit masterpiece.
- Holy shit!
My bad show is good?
have a watch party
for Curtis' new show tonight,
but I'm worried it's
gonna be so bad?
- Oh, no, really?
- Yeah.
I mean, his character
was fully a woman,
and then they just
made her a gay guy
without changing any lines.
- Well, that is
how you guys talk.
I mean, not you,
but the fun ones.
Also, are you sure that Lucas
doesn't wanna walk with us?
He's been, like, ten paces
behind us all morning.
- Oh, no, he's in
this new miniseries
about a gay serial
killer, so technically,
he's hunting me right now.
- Hunting you?
- Yeah, funny, right?
He's actually playing
one of the most prolific
gay serial killers of all time.
He's a sociopath who used to
chop his victims' penises up
into little pieces and
then eat the pieces.
- So I take it,
still not having sex.
- No, and he's not even
really sleeping over now...
For my safety.
- This is so terrifying.
- Yeah, but it's for his art.
- No, I mean you.
You're terrifying.
Oh, it's our new stepdad.
- Holy shit.
- He just calls us now?
- Hi, Daddy.
- Brooke, hi.
Uh, I was just calling 'cause
it's your mom's
birthday tomorrow,
and she said the only
thing she wants to do
is have a normal family
dinner at Applebee's
like you all used to in Ohio.
No security, nothing.
- Sorry, she's a billionaire
and she wants to
eat at Applebee's?
The food is vile.
- L-O-L, that is
legit impossible.
She needs security if she's
gonna eat at the Applebee's
in, what, Times Square?
They'll need to
pre-screen all the diners,
shut down Midtown,
plus with you,
you guys'll be swarmed.
How does she think
this is gonna happen?
- She said maybe we
could just ask everyone
to be cool, like, really nicely.
Both: Be cool?
- Listen, we all know
this can't happen,
but she seems really
desperate, you know,
and I kinda wanna do
something nice for her
since we've just been
on the Marvel plane
having sex for the last month.
- And that's a bad thing?
- So I think I figured out a way
to give this to her.
You guys free tonight?
- I mean, I just
have to pop out early
for a friend's watch
party, but sure.
- Great. I'll text
you the address.
- Well, isn't it just the
Applebee's in Times...
Uh, he hung up.
Aww, and wait.
Maybe the show will be good.
I mean, Curtis is funny.
- Yeah, totally.
It could be good.
Yeah, maybe it'll be good.
That'd be great if it was good.
Yeah.
- ♪ I-I-I'm a winner ♪
- Okay, we need to
talk about this.
- Hi, y'all. Beautiful
day in the industry.
- Brooke, you're
three hours late.
- Yeah, sorry, I've just
been brainstorming ways
I can use the P!
Network... For good!
I was thinking maybe
an interview series
where my mom sits down
with a new powerful
woman each week.
Malala. Greta Thunberg.
Malala.
- You started with Malala.
Also, this took you three hours?
- It actually takes
my breath away
thinking about all the good
I'm now gonna do for people...
Nay, women.
- That's great, but first,
we have a situation.
- Hmm.
- Chase and Pam broke up.
- Wait, what?
- Yup.
- Is it public?
- Yeah, we tweeted it.
We still love each other.
We've just grown apart
since 18 days ago.
- No. Fuck!
Shuli, I wanna help women.
My first day back, I can't
send a woman to the woods.
- Sorry, what's this?
- Well, you know how it goes.
They broke up, it's out there,
and now Pam does
simply have to go
live out the rest of
her days in the woods.
- No, I know how
it goes. I just...
- Wait, wait, we don't
know how it goes.
- Yeah, Chase and I broke up,
so now I have to
live in the woods?
- Let's just show 'em the video.
What? Coming, coming.
- Cary Dubek?
- Yes, can I, uh...
Okay, you're just coming in.
- Sorry, on a tight skedge.
Do you get a lot of
street noise in here?
- Sorry, who and why are you...
- Sheila!
I'm here to record your
ADR for "WindWeaver."
Didn't anybody call you?
- No.
The... the fantasy
show I shot in Croatia?
Is that coming out?
- Yup!
Whole thing's dropping
on Netflix next week,
though beats me how they get
it done in time.
- Why? Is something wrong?
- All I know is, post
is a fucking mess.
We've got no mix, no color.
I'm not even supposed
to be doing this,
but the post supe quit
this a.m., so voilà!
I am not kidding when I say that
everybody on this show...
Except me... is crazy.
- So I'm in another bad thing?
- Okay, shh. Here's
the scene we need.
- I've seen this place
before in my dreams.
And I pray he's here.
- Who?
- The WindWeaver.
The one who weaves the wind.
Onward!
Man, this show is not for me.
Anyway, you got it?
- No.
Sorry, what am I recording?
My character literally
never speaks...
In this scene or ever.
I was basically an
extra for eight months.
- Right, so you know
how everyone in the show
goes on these little quests?
Well, in the edit, they realized
that you can never tell where
the fuck any of you are,
so they're having people
ADR extra shit like,
"Oh, look, we're here now!"
or, "Oh, we've arrived
at this place!"
Hoping to hell they can
make it make sense quick.
So over your back,
after the main
guy says "onward,"
they want you to now say...
"Yes, onward ho, to the
Port City of Gargool."
Jesus fucking Christ.
Okay, ready?
Yes.
- Sorry, what is this?
- It looks like an
orientation video?
- Hello!
If you're watching
this, it's because
you broke the heart
of a beloved pop star
with millions of fans
and are now moments away
from being doxxed
to death by them.
- Wait, what?
- But don't worry.
That's where we come in.
Welcome to New Beginnings.
At New Beginnings, we
provide a safe haven
for girls like you...
Girls who have been
forced to leave society
because their names, addresses,
and Social Security numbers
have all been posted online
by their ex's fans...
Fans who love their pop
star and now hate you
because of what you did to him.
- Uh...
- Here, you'll live
a simple life but a good one,
and no hate mail
can reach you here
because there is no mail.
New Beginnings is
completely off the grid
and not on any map,
all to give you peace of
mind that no teen girl
will ever find and kill you.
Also, Sunday is Craft Day.
- Okay, no, Pam isn't
living in the woods
'cause a couple of
my fans are mad.
- Yeah, and we said
the breakup was mutual.
Why would they blame me?
- Now, I'm sure at this
point, you're thinking,
"We said the breakup was mutual.
Why would they blame me?"
Simply put, you're the girl.
Maybe if you were
Rihanna, it'd be fine,
but if you're watching this,
you're probably
not Rihanna, so...
woods it is!
- No, no, I'm just
gonna go home to Iowa.
This'll blow over.
- And by now you're thinking,
"I'll just go home to
Iowa. This'll blow over."
But if you're this far in,
your home has been set on fire.
- What? No, it
hasn't. I'm Googling.
- And by now you're
Googling, but trust me.
It's on fire.
- Oh, my God, it is.
Do I have to go
live in the woods?
Onward!
- Yes, onward ho!
To the Port City of Gargool!
- No! No.
Something's off.
Think, Sheila. God!
I haven't had time to go
to the doctor in years,
but something is definitely
up, if you catch my drift.
- Is the drift
a... A brain tumor?
- Oh, they want you to sound
like you're on a horse.
So let's just do it again,
but this time, bounce up
and down while you do it.
- Oh, okay. Sure.
- The one who weaves the wind.
Onward!
- Yes!
Onward ho! To the...
- No! Fuck!
Something's still missing.
What did they want?
- I don't...
- I know it was
something stupid.
Oh! Oh! The teeth!
They want you to wear
the little elf teeth.
Oh, my God, Hank
would've killed me
if I forgot the teeth.
Or did he quit too?
I have worked on a lot of shows,
but this, by far, is the worst.
- Cool, cool.
Um, have you heard anything
about this new Paramount+
show, "Girlies"?
- Oh, God, I heard
that show's a dream.
I would kill to be on that show.
- So Rotten Tomatoes-wise,
we talking what,
like, 90, 92% Fresh?
- Maybe it won't be so bad.
This one girl taught
herself woodworking.
- No, no, no, this
is... This is insane.
Why didn't you guys tell
me this could happen?
Well, we tried, bud,
but you said you wanted to
be treated like an adult,
make your own
decisions, remember?
- Okay, well, to be fair,
you did release my album
on the day of the insurrection.
- Oh, my God,
enough of this shit!
You wanna be an adult?
Here's the truth.
- God, no, Shuli, no.
- We didn't release your album
on the day of the insurrection.
Your album was so bad,
I created the insurrection!
- What?
- Don't be mad, bud.
You're just...
you're not that
great of a singer.
- You suck. I
mean, you're cute,
but you suck.
And it's wild that
you don't know that.
So in order to distract
from your album,
I spent months
radicalizing people
to storm the Capitol
on the day it dropped.
Chase, I'm Q.
- Oh, my God.
It was... it was that bad?
Shit, I... I don't want Pam
now to go to the
woods 'cause of me.
- There's gotta be something
we can do to help her.
I mean, my whole thing
is helping women.
Starting today.
There is one
thing, I mean, we could try.
Something that might make
all of Chase's fans Team Pam.
- What is it? I'll do it.
- Well, I'd usually only do this
after a divorce, but...
we need to make you a bad boy.
- Wait, I don't understand
why we're on a lot.
Like, I've shot here before.
- I know.
This was supposed to be
a normal family
dinner at Applebee's?
- Oh, "Normal Family
Dinner at Applebee's."
That's Stage 7, that way.
- Wait. What?
- Move, move, move.
- Oh, my God.
- All right, everyone,
my servers, my diners,
Pat should be here in five.
Thank you all for doing this.
If everything goes smoothly,
we should be able
to give Pat Dubek
a nice, normal dinner
with her family, huh?
All right.
- Holy shit.
Simu Liu recreated an
entire Applebee's for her?
This is insane.
- Hey, welcome.
Pat's children, yes.
We have you right here
at the hero table.
- Sorry, so this is,
like, a full production?
All of you, you're actors?
- Yep.
Simu's goal is to give
your mom the normal dinner
she actually can't have anymore.
Which reminds me,
guys, in reality,
Pat would be swarmed
in a place like this,
so unless you are Katrina,
your job is to ignore her.
Don't look at Pat,
don't talk to Pat.
As far as you're concerned,
Pat doesn't exist.
- Wait, so she doesn't know
this is all fake?
Isn't that fucked?
- Oh, and guys at the bar...
- Uh...
- Well, I guess I
hope this works.
- I mean, I do think Mom
needs a normal night,
or at least to feel like
she can still have one?
- Oh, hey, such good
news about Curtis' show.
- What? Is it bad?
- No, I said "good news."
It's 100% Fresh on
Rotten Tomatoes.
- What? 100% - Yeah.
I mean, only one
review is out so far,
but it's Fresh. Eee!
- Yes, yes, that's amazing.
- Yeah.
- Um, I just need to run
to the bathroom real quick.
- Okay, places,
everyone, places.
And remember, you're
at dinner, so have fun,
uh, but also, it's Applebee's,
so there should be some
deadness behind the eyes,
kinda like, uh, "We
could've eaten anywhere.
Why'd we choose
here?" sort of thing.
Here we go.
No.
Can it be?
"A delightful
romp"? Oh, my God.
Curtis' bad show...
Is good?
Oh, hi. Sorry.
- Okay, okay, Pat's here.
And action, everyone!
Whoa.
This looks so real.
- And we are here. Ta-da!
Surprise!
- What?
Oh, my God, Simu. Applebee's!
- Yep.
Just a normal family
dinner at Applebee's,
just like you wanted.
- But how?
And with no security?
- Well, I called ahead and
asked everyone to be cool,
just like you suggested.
- What, really?
I mean, I told you
that could maybe work.
Brookie! Cary!
- Hey!
- Isn't this wild?
I'm in Applebee's!
- Yeah, happy birthday.
- Oh!
Simu just asked everyone
to be cool for the night.
- Yeah, such a good idea.
- Yeah, Simu Liu is
such a good daddy.
- You know I'm, like, three
years younger than you, right?
- Eee! I just can't believe it.
No one's looking at me
or taking a picture.
Everyone's just talking
to themselves...
Saying "peas and carrots" a lot.
I guess we'll have
to order those.
Anyway, hooray! Let's
start this normal dinner.
- Okay.
- Er, wait, Cary,
is that your boyfriend with
a knife behind the bar?
- Oh, good, I wasn't
sure if he could make it.
And yes, he is in character
as a serial killer,
so he will be
stalking us all night.
Just ignore.
- Okay. That's fine, I guess.
And at least everything
else is normal.
- Ooh, yay! Chase is here.
- Hey, everyone, just
wanted to hop on here
and tell all my fans
to suck my dick.
That's right. This
is how I talk now.
So if you're my fan, you're
a bitch, and you suck.
- Oh, no. What's going on? Why
does Chasey look like that?
- Don't worry, he's just
pretending to be bad
so his fans will side
with Pam in the breakup
and not try and
dox her to death.
- Yes, otherwise Pam goes
to live in the woods.
- Yeah, and I really
don't wanna do that.
- No, I can imagine.
- So yeah, we will...
I am actually doing
a very good thing
for another woman.
And other than a
couple Instagram Lives,
we can still have a totally
normal family dinner.
- Anyway, idiots, imagine trying
to share a life with all this.
Guess it makes sense if
you guys side with Pam
'cause as the new
tattoo on my ass says,
I stink.
God, it feels so weird
acting like that.
Oh, hey, Mom. Happy birthday.
- Oh, thank you, Chasey.
And you promise me
all those are fake?
'Cause they're awful,
honey. You look dead.
- Mom, they're awful on purpose.
Streeter picked them out.
- Yeah, yeah, I worked very hard
to find the extra
right bad ones.
My fave is probably
this one right here
that simply says "piss."
- Yes, I can see that it does
say "piss" on my son's chest.
- And this one here is Piglet,
but with tits.
And then under his arm
is Eeyore, but with tits.
And on his back is
the day his dad died.
- I'm sorry, how
is that one bad?
- I mean, you didn't
let me finish.
With tits.
Bing-bong.
- Anyway, very nice to
meet you... Simu Liu.
You take good care
of my Patty, okay?
- Sorry, can we please
stop talking about tits?
I'm just trying to have a
nice, normal family dinner.
- Absolutely.
- You got it.
- Hi, there. My
name's Katrina,
and I'll be your
server this evening.
- Oh, nice to meet you, Katrina.
- But I think you should
know I'm actually an actor.
- Oh, wow, wonderful.
You know, my son,
Cary, was a server
while he was trying
to make it too.
And now he has,
and he's so happy.
- "Girlies" is
"positively charming"?
- Anyway, I am gonna have
your big, fat steak, please,
and I don't see it on the
menu, but I'm gonna have
the peas and carrots that
everyone's talking about,
sometimes at the same
time on top of each other?
- Okay, I guess... sounds good.
Let me go check on those.
- Okay, good.
- Cary Dubek!
Oh, there you are.
Fuck!
- What? Honey, who is this now?
- Wait, what are you doing here?
Also, how did you find me?
- We need to redo your ADR.
Apparently, someone
lost the drive.
Not sure if he told you,
but his new show is a mess.
People don't even want
their names on this show.
- Oh, honey, I'm so
sorry to hear that.
- So it's, like,
for sure bad? Still?
- Okay, here are your
teeth, and they said that
you didn't really sound like
you were on a horse last time,
so maybe this time, you can just
hop on somebody's back and
ride 'em like a horsey.
- Oh, you can ride me
like a horsey, bud.
- I'm absolutely not
doing that, Simu Liu.
- No, no, no, don't
be ridiculous.
I'm an actor, okay?
I totally get ADR, and plus,
Marvel pays me to stay
jacked all the time anyway.
Pretty sure I could
take your weight easy.
What are you, like, 110, 115?
Seriously. Ride me, Cary.
- Wait...
- Ride me!
- Can we at least go
outside where it's quieter?
- You mean Times Square?
- Right.
Outside is, uh, is Times Square.
Sure is.
- So I guess I
have to do it here.
- Not a prob.
I will just cover you
with this sound blanket.
Okay.
Whenever you're ready, go ahead.
- Yes, onward ho!
To the Port City of Gargool!
- Aww, Cary.
Now both you and Mom
have ridden the star
of a Marvel movie.
- Uh-oh. Brooke.
We have a code red.
- What? What's wrong?
- Uh, comments are coming
in about Chase's new vibe,
and his fans freaking love it?
- What? But he's vile!
"Oh, my God, Chase
is so sexy now"?
"I love Chase's tattoos
because a body's hottest
when you can't see it"?
"I never got Chase's
appeal before,
but now I wanna bleep
his bleep-bleep"?
- Honey, please.
- Shh! I'm getting room tone.
- And his fans are
also madder now at Pam?
- Oh, no.
- They are?
- "How could Pam
break up with Chase
when he is this hot?"
"We should kill Pam
by tomorrow's end."
"Also, I know for a fact
"Pam's aunt works at
Kaiser in Modesto.
Maybe kill her too.
IDK, just spitballing."
- Fuck!
We forgot that everyone
loves a bad boy now.
Like, it's actually hot and good
to be ugly and bad.
- It's okay; the problem
is just the boy part.
He shouldn't be a bad boy.
We need to make him...
a bad dude.
- Yes!
- No...
- Chase, come with me.
- Uh-uh...
- Don't worry, Pam.
We're still gonna help
you. It's what I do.
- Okay! All set!
Great.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
- Thank you, sir. You
made an excellent horsey.
- Fuck. Just fucking kill me.
- And she ordered
peas and carrots,
but we don't have that.
Okay, I'll just send a
PA to the store and...
- Ugh. God.
- Have him buy a bag of peas...
I think there's a Whole
Foods in Williamsburg.
Can someone print me out
a petty cash form, please?
- Also, I still do think she
should know what's going on.
- Hey, Curtis.
- Hey.
- I was just calling 'cause, uh,
I'm not sure I'm
gonna be able to make,
uh, your viewing party anymore.
- Ooh, really?
- Yeah, yeah, it's just I
have this dinner for my mom,
and I thought I was
gonna be able to pop out,
but now it just feels...
Feels a little rude.
- Okay.
- But hey.
Congrats on the show.
I wish I could be there.
- Yeah, I mean, if...
If you can't make it,
then you can't make it, so...
- Yeah, I just...
- Oh, hi, sweetheart.
Are you okay?
You just seemed a
little upset when...
- No, no, no, I'm...
I'm totally fine.
Uh, why don't you just
go back to your table?
Now.
- Okay.
Is there a printer in here?
- Oh, no, no, no.
I mean, this is an
Applebee's in Times Square,
so who knows what
people do in here.
Okay, bye now.
- Okay.
Hello, Pat.
- Jesus.
- Hey, did you see the sad
news about Curtis' show?
- Yes, I know.
It's 100% Fresh.
- Okay, what are
these reactions?
I said "sad."
The rest of the reviews came in,
like, 95 of them,
and they're all bad.
That first review was
the only good one.
- Oh. No.
Really? What
exactly do they say?
Like, um, verbatim.
- Hi there, I just wanted
to apologize for my family.
I feel like we're making
quite the scene tonight.
- Oh, um...
Peas and carr... er... I...
- Like, here you are, trying
to run a normal establishment,
and my family comes
in and acts insane.
So I wanna pay for
everyone's meals.
- Oh, um, using...
Using this machine.
- Uh, yeah.
You can just run
it in front of me.
I'll just wait here
while you do it.
- Yes, sure.
I'll do that... now.
Beep, boop.
Okay, you're all set.
- Sorry, I just saw you
slide the card on nothing
and say "beep, boop"
with your mouth.
I'm sorry
about her. She's new.
Anyways, hi, Ms. Dubek,
I am the general manager,
and I'm actually on the phone
with Mr. Applebee's right now.
He wanted me to tell you
that everyone's meals
are on the house tonight
in honor of your birthday.
Thank you, sir. I
just told her, sir.
Uh-huh, ta-ta, sir.
Yeah, so there's, um,
no need to pay at all.
You can just, uh, head
back to your table.
- Sorry, so that
was Mr. Applebee's?
- Yes, Mr...
Randolph Applebee's.
Anyway, enjoy your
family dinner.
Your food will be right out.
- Okay.
Thank you.
We got it!
- Oh, here's a good
one, here's a good one.
"Entertainment Weekly"
calls it "dismal
and embarrassing."
- Okay, "EW," make it personal.
- Oh, and "Vulture"
wants to know,
"was this character a woman,
and they just turned it
into a gay guy last minute?"
Uh, yes, they did,
bitch.
- Drag her, "Vulture"!
Oh, my God!
Flowers for me?
All: Ooh!
- Hey!
- Ooh, Cary.
I thought you
couldn't come anymore.
- Oh, no, I figured
it out. Hooray!
All: Hey.
- Happy watch party, everyone.
Yeah, I just had this little
dinner thing for my mom,
and I wasn't sure I
could pop out early,
but then I thought about
it more, and I was like,
"I can pop out early."
Gotta be here to support
your show, right?
- Go fuck yourself, Cary.
- Wait, what?
So weird.
Sorry, ma'am?
I just... have you been
to this Applebee's before?
I know this is
gonna sound crazy,
but I... I just... I feel
like something's off.
Oh, sorry.
Hi, Chasey.
Wait, what is this?
What are you wearing?
- Hey, Mom, I'm here
to challenge you
to box me live in Las
Vegas this Saturday.
And guess what, Mom?
I'm gonna kick
your freakin' ass!
- What? Is this real?
Honey, I'm not boxing you.
- You heard it.
My mom's a coward.
- Ahh!
- It's working.
People are commenting that
Chase seems deeply unwell.
- Yes! Thank God.
- Wait, wait.
They're also saying Pam
must have done this to him?
- What?
- "Before Pam left,
"Chase would've never tried
to box his mother in Las Vegas"?
Oh, my God, this
country hates women.
You
almost gotta laugh.
- Fuck! So bad
boy was nothing,
and now bad dude's not
enough, which means...
we need to make him a bad man.
Someone I, as a woman,
could never support.
Okay, Chase, listen closely.
So sorry for all
this chaos, ma'am.
Huh? Uh...
What the fuck?
- Peas and carrots.
Peas and carrots.
Peas and carrots.
Peas and carrots.
- Mom, Mom! Hey! What's wrong?
- Is everything okay?
- I think something weird
is going on in here.
Have you guys noticed?
- What?
- Seems pretty normal to me.
- Yeah.
This is actually one of
the most normal experiences
I've had in a restaurant.
- I just... there
was some weird dummy
in the bathroom
just now, and also,
I don't know if you
guys have noticed,
but everybody's been raving
about the peas and carrots,
but no one's actually
eating the peas and carrots.
I don't even think they have
peas and carrots on the menu...
- All right, here we go.
First things first, our
famous peas and carrots.
- There we are.
- She was just
wondering about those.
- I bet.
- Oh!
- Okay. And here's your steak.
I guess bon appétit.
Back with the rest in a sec.
Okay.
I'm so sorry for acting
crazy a second ago.
I guess they do have
peas and carrots.
I'm sorry, guys.
Ah, ah.
Mmm. Wow.
This steak is truly
mouthwatering.
I mean, it's, like, the
best steak I've ever had
in my entire life.
- Mm.
- So I guess I just
have one question.
- Yeah?
- Where the fuck am I?
Mom!
- Curtis! Wha...
Wait, wait, hold on, what...
What did I do?
- Cary.
I'd like you to leave.
- Wha... what the...
What are you talking
about? That's insane.
I'm... I'm here to support you.
- No, you're not. You're
not here to support me.
If you were actually
trying to support me,
you wouldn't have bailed when
you thought my show was good
and then shown up once
you knew it was bad.
- What? That... that's
not what happened.
I was literally at
a dinner for my mom,
and it felt rude to leave her.
- Yeah... but you did leave.
So what, what stopped
you from feeling rude?
- I...
- I think you saw the first
Rotten Tomatoes review and
everyone posting about it
and got jealous that
the show was good,
and you couldn't
stand to come anymore.
And then when the
bad reviews went up,
you did feel like coming, so...
- You think I went through
all those mental gymnastics?
It's actually sad that
my friend would think
that I would do
that. I'm not...
- It's sad that I know
my friend did that.
And I never would've jumped
to that conclusion last year,
but this year,
I'm jumping to it,
'cause I... I... I
do. I... I...
I do think that's what happened.
- Well, it's not!
I haven't even checked
Rotten Tomatoes once all day.
- Well, then, show
me your phone.
- What?
- Open your phone
and show me the last
page on your browser.
- Sorry, can you
repeat the question?
Where am I?
Where the fuck am I?
- Hey, sweetie, just calm down.
- Mom, you are a
very famous woman
holding people at
knifepoint in an Applebee's.
- You. What is going on here?
- Peas and carrots, peas and...
- Hello! Talk to me!
They
told us not to.
Both: Peas and carrots.
- What? Who's "they"?
Who is "they"?
- Don't worry, nobody can
talk about any of this.
They all signed NDAs.
- Who did?
For what, Simu?
- Uh...
- Uh, okay, Mom, why don't
we just take a breath
and enjoy your nice,
normal family dinner?
- Oh, my God. Why is nobody...
- I'll talk to her.
Uh, hey, Pat. Oh, shit.
- We're not in Times
Square, are we?
Oh, God, none of this is real.
- What are you talking
about? Babe, of course it is.
- Hi, everyone, I
just wanted you all
to meet my new
girlfriend, Everly.
- What? Chase has
a new girlfriend?
- Okay, no, so this is not real.
- The two of us met at church.
That's right; the
Lord gave her to me.
- No.
- And the thing that I love
most about her is the
way she looks at me...
- No.
- The way she worships me...
- No.
- And the way she'll provide me
with strong, healthy sons.
No, stop it, Chase!
What are you doing?
This isn't normal!
None of this is fucking normal!
- No, Mom, this thing
with Chase is normal.
It's so we don't have to send
Pam to the woods, remember?
- Yeah, couldn't be more normal.
- No, no, this isn't
right. Where am I?
- Oh, no, babe. Oh, no,
no, no, no. Oh, no...
- Ah! Brooke!
- Oh, my God, we're inside?
- Brooke, Brooke, it worked.
We got our first #TeamPam.
- We did?
- Yes. "Oh, my God, eww,
what is this Christian shit?"
- What the fuck?
- "Thank God Pam got
away, this is cringe."
- Yes!
- "I guess I'm #TeamPam."
- Oh, my God. We did it!
I did it!
Yep.
You came up with the
most bad man there is.
A good man.
- I don't have to
go to the woods!
- Yeah!
- I did a good thing!
I did a good thing!
Sweetie, no!
- Holy shit!
Wait, no, Mom, this isn't safe.
Just come back
and we'll explain.
- Oh, God, someone help
me! Please help me!
- Hello, Mrs. Dubek.
I can help you.
- No. Get away from me!
Get the fuck away from me!
- Mom, this is crazy.
- Mom, come back!
- Simu, do something!
- Get me out of here!
Ah! What the fuck?
Get me the fuck out!
Oh, my God.
Pam has found out.
- I was right.
This was fake.
You're actors?
You're all actors?
- I did try to tell you, girl.
So come on. Let's see it.
Okay, you know what? No. I'm
not showing you my phone.
I might have porn up.
- Oh, my G...
We both know you
don't have porn up.
Fuck.
Fuck, Cary.
I just, like, wanted you to be
fuckin' happy for me as
my friend, but you can't.
Like, you probably
can't be happy for me.
You didn't wanna come tonight
because you were worried
I was getting something,
that I was gonna have a win.
- That's not true!
I want you to have wins.
I helped you get "Gay Minute"
and "Age Net Worth Feet"!
All I do is support you!
- You support me
when I'm below you!
You're happy for me
when I'm below you,
not when you think that
I might be your equal,
or, God forbid, above you.
And you're in luck
'cause my show sucks,
so back below ya, baby.
- So what, you ju... You
just think I'm a monster?
- I... I tried to be patient.
But we don't hang out anymore.
And when we do, it
is only about you.
But then last month, when
we came to your movie,
you wouldn't even
get a drink afterward
because you said
you had to sleep.
- I did have to sleep.
- Okay.
Okay.
Um...
You know what?
I'm 35 years old.
And I want good
friends in my life.
And I have good friends
in my life, and...
And I don't think
you're one of them now.
So, um...
yeah, I want you to go.
- Okay.
I guess... I guess I'll go.
- Oh, there you are!
- Oh, my God.
- Okay, now I lost the drive.
Here are your teeth.
And which one of your friends
wants to get on all fours
so you can ride
him like a horsey?
- I just... I really thought
I was having a
normal family dinner.
And I was excited! I
was so fucking excited.
- Pat, baby, that's...
That's why I did all this.
- Yeah, we thought
it would be nice
for you to feel
normal for a night.
- Well, guess what? This
was the least normal thing
that's ever happened to me
in my entire fucking life!
I can't believe
you did this to me.
- Told you.
- I just... I can't
do anything anymore.
Do you understand?
Like, I can't go eat.
I can't take a walk.
I can't date a normal person
without being a burden.
- Hey, you were never
a burden, sweetie.
- No, I was. I
know that I was.
- I'm sorry. That
must be so hard.
- Yeah, that must
be so tough, Pat.
- Yeah, and now the only man I
can date is Marvel's Simu Liu.
Like, Marvel's Simu Liu is the
only type of man I can be with?
- Okay, can't say I feel
bad for you on that.
- I mean, for the last month,
all I've been able to do
"for my safety" is
sit on a private jet
and get eaten out nonstop
by Marvel's Simu Liu.
Like, that's my whole life.
- Yeah, I do think we
should just move off
of the whole "Marvel's
Simu Liu" stuff.
- Yeah, not sure you realize
how you're coming across.
- Oh, who gives a fuck, Katrina?
You signed an NDA, honey,
so you can't say jack shit
about how I'm "coming across."
And Simu doesn't even know
what he's doing down
there, so there.
Wait, what?
- I just...
I just feel like I can't
be in the world anymore.
Like I've ruined my life.
I've ruined my whole life.
- Oh, Mom.
- Do you... do you
wanna go for a walk?
No.
I just... I wanna be alone.
I'm not mad, I...
I just wanna be by myself.
- Mom.
- Uh...
- All right, load out.
Load out to truck four.
- Wow, this burger
is actually good.
- It should be.
It's Peter Luger.
I guess cheers
to a truly apocalyptic
night for our family.
- I know. Hope Mom's okay.
- Aww. Me, too, bud.
But hey, at least we helped Pam.
It's not nothing.
- Totally.
It just sucks 'cause everyone
does think I'm bad now.
Like, everyone's just saying
really mean stuff online.
- Oh.
Fuck. I mean, duh,
but... Shit, I...
- Hey. Did I miss
it? How'd it go?
- Bad, man. Went real bad.
- But hey, congrats
on 100% Fresh.
- What?
Is a "WindWeaver" review up?
- No, like 200 reviews are up.
I guess 'cause it's good,
they decided to post them early.
They're saying it's
a legit masterpiece.
- Holy shit!
My bad show is good?