The Office (2005–2013): Season 9, Episode 8 - The Target - full transcript

Yesterday, Angela may or may
not have figured out that

lam having an affair
with her husband.

So I just have
to wait and see

when she comes in,
if she's cold and awkward

and cruel to me, then great,
it's business as usual.

Good morning.

Oscar.

Can I ask you
a question?

Of course, ask me a...
Questions.

Is it cool in here
to you?

Yes, a little bit. Yes!



I think that thermostat
is acting up again.

It's the stupid
thermostat!

That thing's a catastrophe.
So, I'm going to...

...on your suggestion, get someone
to fix it! I'll just go downstairs.

Thank you.

No, thank you, Angela.

She doesn't know.
I shouldn't be surprised.

This is a woman who married a man
who is obviously a homosexual.

Basically she has
her head in the sand.

In a way I feel sorry for her. I guess
the universe rewards true love.

Well,
it's finally happened.

Pam has ceased caring.

These are my painting clothes.

I think I'm going to do it.
lam really going to start



painting the warehouse
mural today.

Sure you don't want to put another
coat of primer on that, Pam?

Queen of the primer,
that one.

You got this, Beesly.

Actually, do you want me to come
down and help you get started?

Are you avoiding
your phone call?

What? Yeah, right. As if.

Today I will be
asking David Wallace

if I can start
working part-time,

because the sports marketing
company that I started

really needs me
to be there.

Last week, Jim wasn't there and
they named the company Athlead.

I could have
prevented that.

So, lhaveto
talk to Wallace.

Tell them your opening line.

Hey, David? How'd you like a
guy who's not here as much,

gets paid the same
amount of salary

and has bigger fish
to fry in Philadelphia?

I think it's good.
He likes fishing.

This is going
to be awful.

One of myjobs is to input customer
complaints into the computer.

And when they're in,
I fill out one of these cards.

But the information's
already on the computer.

So, why am I
filling out the card?

I asked Andy and he
told me to chillax.

And then went away
on a big, long boat ride.

So here we are.

Don't give me
a pointless office chore,

because I will build
a little paper house.

Fight the power.

Meet me in the old place.
Five minutes. I need you!

Come on in,
the water's fine.

Dwight, it's not that kind of meeting.
Put your clothes back on!

I know.
That's not why I'm naked.

I always work out
without my clothes.

Just put them on!
Put on your clothes.

I need your help. I need someone who
can operate outside of the law.

I'm sorry, your vigilante privileges
ended when you broke up with me.

If I'm not in your panties,
I don't go vigilantes.

Why don't you
ask your husband?

My marriage is in danger.

I don't know who I can trust.

I need someone
to be there for me.

All right, what are we talking,
surveillance, wire-tapping?

Something like that.

Yeah. The less
I know the better.

I know just the guy. He was
a volunteer sheriff, too.

Kicked off the force.

Can you arrange a meeting?

I can try.

I'm going to use SMS text.
Okay.

The text went through.

Okay-

All we can do
is sit and wait.

Okay-

Oh!

Look at that. Yeah, he's free any time.
Not a problem.

I mean, I can handle any
client issues from Philly.

Yeah, but I really need someone
in the office, if there's a crisis.

The more I think about it...

You mean handle it
in person?

Well, Phyllis
and Stanley have agreed

to cover for me
while I'm gone.

They did?
Yep.

Okay. Well, that is different. In
that case, yes, maybe this can work.

Great!

Why should we help you?

Because we are friends.

When is my birthday?

Unfair.
When's my birthday?

I don't know,
because we're not friends.

How about this? You let me take
you to lunch and I make my case.

Now we're talking.
All right.

Yeah.

Make it go taller.

Thafstheidea.

No, not taller this way,
taller this way.

Well, I've got to build a wider
base first before I can go higher.

You're not getting this, Peter.
Make it go wider, up.

Will do.

What are y'all doing?

Me and Pete are
building a tower.

Cool. It should be
taller though, right?

Obviously.

He's a sweet kid, Darryl, but not
the sharpest guy in the drawer.

Kevin, I can hear you.

Uh-huh.

Ow! Dwight! God.
Get in the van.

Is it safe to talk?

Well, this documentary crew has
been following our every move

for the past nine years, but I don't
see them, so I think we're good.

So. What are
your credentials?

I started following people
around to get exercise.

Turns out
I'm damn good at it.

Do you have a gun?

Does he own a gun?
Show her.

You tell me.

What is this?

That's the receipt
for my gun.

You don't carry it
with you?

Read the receipt.
That's a $300 gun.

Someone could steal it.

You have any idea
how many guns

Trevor has had
stolen from him?

Now I keep it in a safe.

A good safe?

You tell me.

Wow!

I guess if I make a mistake,

I can just paint over it
with a shrub or something.

It's just I think less of
paintings with a lot of shrubs,

so I'm going to limit
myself to one shrub.

You paint wall now?

Yeah! Painting now.

I just want to
make sure that...

You paint now?

I mean, it's probably going
to be a few minutes,

so you can just go back to
doing whatever you were doing.

I wait.

Sweet!
Yay!

This next card comes to us
thanks to Meredith Palmer,

who called Eastern Pennsylvania
Seminary a, quote, "sausage factory."

Oh!

All right.

Up next, we got
a whole lot of Creed.

Let's find out what I did.
All right.

You get half now and you get half
upon completion of said job.

And it's all
off the books?

Obviously.

Nice. No taxes.

Okay. So, everything you need to
know about the target is in here.

So, what's the job?

Murder.

Okay. That's the big one.
That's the big

You can't have
someone murdered!

What if they deserved it?

What did they
do to you, Angela?

They're sleeping
with my husband!

Monkey. I feel for you.

This seems a little crazy.

Yes, crazy! Thank you.

But I think I'm up for it. No!

Thank you!
No, absolutely not.

There are a lot of different
ways to get revenge.

I've had great success by defecating in
a paper bag, putting it on the porch.

That's very effective.

I've been on the receiving end
of that quite a few times.

It's devastating. No, no, no,
it has to be physical.

I want this person
to suffer.

What about a knee-capping?

No! You're not helping,
Trevor.

Yes! A knee-capping
could work.

No! Angela!
What are you saying?

You said you would
be there for me.

I'm trying,
but what you're asking is...

It's the only thing
that will make this right.

Okay. But it's cruel,

because a woman with damaged
knees can't scrub worth a damn.

All right, then it's
settled, one knee-capping.

Now, the hit goes down at 4:00.
Keep in mind, once I leave,

there's no turning back.

You know, truth be told, I
think all you'll really be doing

is accepting calls from my
clients while I'm gone.

We've got all afternoon
to talk about that.

Morning, folks.

I'll have the surf and turf,
with a side order of lobster.

Actually the surf and turf
does come with lobster.

Not enough lobster.
Side order.

How much wine do you have?

I brought you a cookie.

Thanks, Oscar,
you're such an angel.

I just gave her a cookie,
and she called me an angel,

so, yeah, we're good.

Yeah, we dodged a bullet.

Yes, okay. Yeah.

Yeah, well, I got to go now, but, okay.
Bye.Bye.

There we go!

Nicely done, very nicely done.
Nice.

All right, this next one goes to
Darryl for pocket-dialing a customer

while having sex.

Oh!

You salty dog.

Well, you know. What can I say?
Player's got to play.

There you go.

Actually that was the sound
of me eating spaghetti,

but I'm going to let them
think the other thing.

Okay, I got this one.

Be careful!
Be careful!

Easy does it, everyone.

Nobody even take a breath.

Kevin, don't.

Kevin! What did I say? What did I just say?
Look at that...

Hey, hey, hey! It's just a mistake.
It's just a mistake.

That's what this tower
is all about. Mistakes.

Okay? If you're afraid of screwing
up, this tower's not for you.

Show of hands, who here has never
had a complaint? That's right.

Nobody! See that? Nobody.

Okay? Let's get back
to work.

Come on. You in?

Yeah!
Yeah.

There we go.
All right, let's do it.

You know,
at the end of the day,

it's really only
two days, remember.

I mean, I'll be
back at the office,

and if you need me for
an emergency, call me.

You know what? I don't
know where the years went.

Because sometimes when I look at my
hands, I don't even recognize them.

Tell me about it.
Whose hands are these?

They're not my hands. Oh, no.

All right. You know what? Maybe
we'll just... We'll go slow.

No, Jim.

All right! Check it out. Yes!

Like a phoenix
from the ashes!

Nice. Pretty soon, we're
going to be at the ceiling.

Can you hand me a card?

It's empty-

What?
What?

Come on,
we could use a blank card.

No!
No!

That's cheating!

I could get us a complaint.

You? Little Miss Priss? You
wouldn't fart on a butterfly.

No, lwouldn't. I can't even
relate to that impulse.

But I bet I can get us a customer
complaint and I'd like to try.

Yeah! Go Pam!
All right.

Pam! Pam! Pam!
Pam! Pam! Pam!

Go, Pam! Go, Pam!

Pam! Pam! Pam!

Hey Kevin, let's...

Pam! Pam! Pam!

What? Why did you
call me out here?

The target.
It's Oscar, isn't it?

He and the Senator
are gaying each other.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Your nostrils tell
a different story.

They flare like that every time
you're engaging in deception.

Hello again,
naughty nostrils.

Fine, it's Oscar! So what?

Well, I could understand you wanting
to get a stranger's knees whacked,

but a co-worker,
dare I say a friend?

Exactly, a friend, someone who
sits next to you, year after year,

making chit chat
and smiling.

And all the while running behind your
back, and defiling your marriage,

and seducing
your husband!

I can't even imagine how
painful this must be for you.

But the first ones to break your
marriage vows were you and me!

Well, you might be right.
But it's too late now.

What do you mean?

He's here.

No! No, no, no!

Oscar? Oscar! Oscar, good! Listen!
Hey, come with me!

What?
Come with me!

What are you doing?

There are a bunch of
construction workers

in the warehouse without their trousers...
I'm working.

...drinking diet sodas.

You have got to see this.
They're extraordinary.

Yahtzee!

Sandwich delivery
for Mr. Oscar Martinez.

I am Oscar Martinez.

No, not him, outside!
Outside!

What, what?

You know there's
donuts in the break room?

Nice!

Listen, I was
really wondering if maybe

we could lock this down
before lunch is over.

Don't be pushy, Jim.
It's tacky.

All right.

Phyllis! Phyllis!
That's decorative.

No, there's wine in here.

It's still decorative.

Is it white wine?
Nope.

Dude, hey, can you help me?

Don't poke people
with knives!

Ph u" u
y '8

Wow!

Bring it over.
Got it.

There's no time
to explain!

Dwight... Okay, actually
there is time to explain.

When Angela found out
that you seduced her husband,

we hired a guy
to break your kneecaps.

My God!
What is wrong with you?

What is wrong with you?

There are
a million gorgeous guys

in the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre
area,

and you choose the man who
is the father of her child?

I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, don't lie!

I'm trying to save those precious
knees you're always bragging about!

Now let's get out of here!
He could be right behind us!

Actually,
he's right in front of us!

Let's get it on.
I'm going to do this.

I might... I might puke,
but I'm going to do this.

No, Trevor.
I'm not going to let you.

He's a Dunder Mifflin man.
He's my tribe.

Sorry, Dwight, but for once
in my stupid, stupid life,

I'm going to follow through on something.
All right?

I have masculinity issues,
lhave“.

Stop! No!
Qkav-I got it!

Disarm!
You don't know...

lsummon,
I summon, I summon...

And disarm! Now!

Okay. Okay. Okay.

No, Oscar, no!
He's a friend!

Okay.
He's a friend.

Okay, the client is Heymont Brake and Tire.
They're family owned,

but don't let that
take away your edge.

Come on, Pam, I know you can fail.
I see failure in you.

Remember, you're a scum bag, so you
think scummy thoughts, like this.

Hello, this is Pam Halpert. I'm
calling from Dunder Mifflin.

Yes, your paper provider.

And I just called to say

your mama is so fat,
when she wears red

people yell "Hey, Kool-Aid!"

Yeah, your mom is fat!
This is Pam Halpert!

- Did they say anything?
- What did they say?

I couldn't tell. I don't...
Were they angry?

I felt like they
were confused at least.

Okay.

Oh, my-

Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin.
Yes, you can.

Okay-

I will make sure
that goes on file.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we just lost a client!

Yes!
All right!

Come on! You did good.
You did good.

See you later, Heymont!

If you chase me,
I will run so fast.

If you catch me, I will bite so hard.
Got it?

Goodbye, my friend.

What the hell, Dwight?

See you later, Trevor!

You are incorrigible!

I just saved your life!
You're welcome!

You hired someone
to hit me with a pipe!

You deserve
every bit of it!

You made my husband gay!

What I did was wrong, and I have
to live with that every day.

But your husband is gay and he
was gay when you married him.

No, no.

Angela,
until you face that,

you're going to be confused and
angry for all the wrong reasons.

But if you want to blame
me for the whole thing,

go ahead.
I won't stop you.

Hit me, you have my blessing.
Hit me!

Well, are you
going to let go of it?

Because part of the blame
is definitely on you.

Angela,
it's a lead fricking pipe!

God!

You were supposed
to be my friend!

I'm so sorry! Angela!

Oscar.

Our crowning complaint card comes
to us thanks to Pamela Halpert.

For insulting a client's
recently deceased mother.

I did not know that.
No.

A woman who struggled
with obesity all her life.

I am so sorry.

Yeah, that is terrible.

All right!

Go, Pam!

You did it!

I feel so stupid.
I sit next to him every day.

You're not stupid.
Jazz is stupid.

Jazz is stupid! I mean,
just play the right notes!

I know.

You're going to
be okay, Monkey.

Idon%Hke
your friend Trevor.

I don't like him either.

And yet,
I really like him.

Well, we're here.

Perfect.

We're going to cover for you, you know?

Phyllis, what was that? Phyllis,
are you dreaming, or...

I did enjoy
grinding your beans, son.

Yeah, we really
did peel your grapes.

This is hilarious. But we're
going to stop with all the...

Shucking your peas!

Shucking my peas.

All right, just go back to the first part.
You are going to cover for me?

Yeah.

Of course we are, Jimmy.
We love you guys.

Oh, my God!
Thank you. Thank you.

If you're an artist, you have
to be okay with the idea

that you can't please
everybody all the time.

You paint very bad, bad!

Shut up, Hide!

I mean, do you think Kevin cares
what people think about him?

Or Creed? Or Meredith?

Oh, my gosh,
these are my role models now.

You know what?
I'm okay with that.

Where does gayness come from
and how is it transmitted?

Now that is
a loaded question.

My pastor said it can
come from breast feeding.

He said that?

Well, he didn't
fight me hard on it.

I don't know if
there's truth to that.

What is it called when two
men intertwine their penises

like the snakes on
the medic-alert bracelet?

Uh...

Is it called Red Vine-ing?

We heard it was called Red Vine-ing.
People Red-Vine?

Where are
gay men's vaginae?

They don't have vaginae.

What?

No. They're just
regular men.

When two gay men have sex,

how do they know
whose penis will open up

to accept
the other person's penis?

Wow.