The Office (2005–2013): Season 9, Episode 8 - The Target - full transcript

Yesterday, Angela may or may not have figured out that
lam having an affair with her husband.
So I just have to wait and see
when she comes in, if she's cold and awkward
and cruel to me, then great, it's business as usual.
Good morning.
Oscar.
Can I ask you a question?
Of course, ask me a... Questions.
Is it cool in here to you?
Yes, a little bit. Yes!
I think that thermostat is acting up again.
It's the stupid thermostat!
That thing's a catastrophe. So, I'm going to...
...on your suggestion, get someone to fix it! I'll just go downstairs.
Thank you.
No, thank you, Angela.
She doesn't know. I shouldn't be surprised.
This is a woman who married a man who is obviously a homosexual.
Basically she has her head in the sand.
In a way I feel sorry for her. I guess the universe rewards true love.
Well, it's finally happened.
Pam has ceased caring.
These are my painting clothes.
I think I'm going to do it. lam really going to start
painting the warehouse mural today.
Sure you don't want to put another coat of primer on that, Pam?
Queen of the primer, that one.
You got this, Beesly.
Actually, do you want me to come down and help you get started?
Are you avoiding your phone call?
What? Yeah, right. As if.
Today I will be asking David Wallace
if I can start working part-time,
because the sports marketing company that I started
really needs me to be there.
Last week, Jim wasn't there and they named the company Athlead.
I could have prevented that.
So, lhaveto talk to Wallace.
Tell them your opening line.
Hey, David? How'd you like a guy who's not here as much,
gets paid the same amount of salary
and has bigger fish to fry in Philadelphia?
I think it's good. He likes fishing.
This is going to be awful.
One of myjobs is to input customer complaints into the computer.
And when they're in, I fill out one of these cards.
But the information's already on the computer.
So, why am I filling out the card?
I asked Andy and he told me to chillax.
And then went away on a big, long boat ride.
So here we are.
Don't give me a pointless office chore,
because I will build a little paper house.
Fight the power.
Meet me in the old place. Five minutes. I need you!
Come on in, the water's fine.
Dwight, it's not that kind of meeting. Put your clothes back on!
I know. That's not why I'm naked.
I always work out without my clothes.
Just put them on! Put on your clothes.
I need your help. I need someone who can operate outside of the law.
I'm sorry, your vigilante privileges ended when you broke up with me.
If I'm not in your panties, I don't go vigilantes.
Why don't you ask your husband?
My marriage is in danger.
I don't know who I can trust.
I need someone to be there for me.
All right, what are we talking, surveillance, wire-tapping?
Something like that.
Yeah. The less I know the better.
I know just the guy. He was a volunteer sheriff, too.
Kicked off the force.
Can you arrange a meeting?
I can try.
I'm going to use SMS text. Okay.
The text went through.
Okay-
All we can do is sit and wait.
Okay-
Oh!
Look at that. Yeah, he's free any time. Not a problem.
I mean, I can handle any client issues from Philly.
Yeah, but I really need someone in the office, if there's a crisis.
The more I think about it...
You mean handle it in person?
Well, Phyllis and Stanley have agreed
to cover for me while I'm gone.
They did? Yep.
Okay. Well, that is different. In that case, yes, maybe this can work.
Great!
Why should we help you?
Because we are friends.
When is my birthday?
Unfair. When's my birthday?
I don't know, because we're not friends.
How about this? You let me take you to lunch and I make my case.
Now we're talking. All right.
Yeah.
Make it go taller.
Thafstheidea.
No, not taller this way, taller this way.
Well, I've got to build a wider base first before I can go higher.
You're not getting this, Peter. Make it go wider, up.
Will do.
What are y'all doing?
Me and Pete are building a tower.
Cool. It should be taller though, right?
Obviously.
He's a sweet kid, Darryl, but not the sharpest guy in the drawer.
Kevin, I can hear you.
Uh-huh.
Ow! Dwight! God. Get in the van.
Is it safe to talk?
Well, this documentary crew has been following our every move
for the past nine years, but I don't see them, so I think we're good.
So. What are your credentials?
I started following people around to get exercise.
Turns out I'm damn good at it.
Do you have a gun?
Does he own a gun? Show her.
You tell me.
What is this?
That's the receipt for my gun.
You don't carry it with you?
Read the receipt. That's a $300 gun.
Someone could steal it.
You have any idea how many guns
Trevor has had stolen from him?
Now I keep it in a safe.
A good safe?
You tell me.
Wow!
I guess if I make a mistake,
I can just paint over it with a shrub or something.
It's just I think less of paintings with a lot of shrubs,
so I'm going to limit myself to one shrub.
You paint wall now?
Yeah! Painting now.
I just want to make sure that...
You paint now?
I mean, it's probably going to be a few minutes,
so you can just go back to doing whatever you were doing.
I wait.
Sweet! Yay!
This next card comes to us thanks to Meredith Palmer,
who called Eastern Pennsylvania Seminary a, quote, "sausage factory."
Oh!
All right.
Up next, we got a whole lot of Creed.
Let's find out what I did. All right.
You get half now and you get half upon completion of said job.
And it's all off the books?
Obviously.
Nice. No taxes.
Okay. So, everything you need to know about the target is in here.
So, what's the job?
Murder.
Okay. That's the big one. That's the big
You can't have someone murdered!
What if they deserved it?
What did they do to you, Angela?
They're sleeping with my husband!
Monkey. I feel for you.
This seems a little crazy.
Yes, crazy! Thank you.
But I think I'm up for it. No!
Thank you! No, absolutely not.
There are a lot of different ways to get revenge.
I've had great success by defecating in a paper bag, putting it on the porch.
That's very effective.
I've been on the receiving end of that quite a few times.
It's devastating. No, no, no, it has to be physical.
I want this person to suffer.
What about a knee-capping?
No! You're not helping, Trevor.
Yes! A knee-capping could work.
No! Angela! What are you saying?
You said you would be there for me.
I'm trying, but what you're asking is...
It's the only thing that will make this right.
Okay. But it's cruel,
because a woman with damaged knees can't scrub worth a damn.
All right, then it's settled, one knee-capping.
Now, the hit goes down at 4:00. Keep in mind, once I leave,
there's no turning back.
You know, truth be told, I think all you'll really be doing
is accepting calls from my clients while I'm gone.
We've got all afternoon to talk about that.
Morning, folks.
I'll have the surf and turf, with a side order of lobster.
Actually the surf and turf does come with lobster.
Not enough lobster. Side order.
How much wine do you have?
I brought you a cookie.
Thanks, Oscar, you're such an angel.
I just gave her a cookie, and she called me an angel,
so, yeah, we're good.
Yeah, we dodged a bullet.
Yes, okay. Yeah.
Yeah, well, I got to go now, but, okay. Bye.Bye.
There we go!
Nicely done, very nicely done. Nice.
All right, this next one goes to Darryl for pocket-dialing a customer
while having sex.
Oh!
You salty dog.
Well, you know. What can I say? Player's got to play.
There you go.
Actually that was the sound of me eating spaghetti,
but I'm going to let them think the other thing.
Okay, I got this one.
Be careful! Be careful!
Easy does it, everyone.
Nobody even take a breath.
Kevin, don't.
Kevin! What did I say? What did I just say? Look at that...
Hey, hey, hey! It's just a mistake. It's just a mistake.
That's what this tower is all about. Mistakes.
Okay? If you're afraid of screwing up, this tower's not for you.
Show of hands, who here has never had a complaint? That's right.
Nobody! See that? Nobody.
Okay? Let's get back to work.
Come on. You in?
Yeah! Yeah.
There we go. All right, let's do it.
You know, at the end of the day,
it's really only two days, remember.
I mean, I'll be back at the office,
and if you need me for an emergency, call me.
You know what? I don't know where the years went.
Because sometimes when I look at my hands, I don't even recognize them.
Tell me about it. Whose hands are these?
They're not my hands. Oh, no.
All right. You know what? Maybe we'll just... We'll go slow.
No, Jim.
All right! Check it out. Yes!
Like a phoenix from the ashes!
Nice. Pretty soon, we're going to be at the ceiling.
Can you hand me a card?
It's empty-
What? What?
Come on, we could use a blank card.
No! No!
That's cheating!
I could get us a complaint.
You? Little Miss Priss? You wouldn't fart on a butterfly.
No, lwouldn't. I can't even relate to that impulse.
But I bet I can get us a customer complaint and I'd like to try.
Yeah! Go Pam! All right.
Pam! Pam! Pam! Pam! Pam! Pam!
Go, Pam! Go, Pam!
Pam! Pam! Pam!
Hey Kevin, let's...
Pam! Pam! Pam!
What? Why did you call me out here?
The target. It's Oscar, isn't it?
He and the Senator are gaying each other.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Your nostrils tell a different story.
They flare like that every time you're engaging in deception.
Hello again, naughty nostrils.
Fine, it's Oscar! So what?
Well, I could understand you wanting to get a stranger's knees whacked,
but a co-worker, dare I say a friend?
Exactly, a friend, someone who sits next to you, year after year,
making chit chat and smiling.
And all the while running behind your back, and defiling your marriage,
and seducing your husband!
I can't even imagine how painful this must be for you.
But the first ones to break your marriage vows were you and me!
Well, you might be right. But it's too late now.
What do you mean?
He's here.
No! No, no, no!
Oscar? Oscar! Oscar, good! Listen! Hey, come with me!
What? Come with me!
What are you doing?
There are a bunch of construction workers
in the warehouse without their trousers... I'm working.
...drinking diet sodas.
You have got to see this. They're extraordinary.
Yahtzee!
Sandwich delivery for Mr. Oscar Martinez.
I am Oscar Martinez.
No, not him, outside! Outside!
What, what?
You know there's donuts in the break room?
Nice!
Listen, I was really wondering if maybe
we could lock this down before lunch is over.
Don't be pushy, Jim. It's tacky.
All right.
Phyllis! Phyllis! That's decorative.
No, there's wine in here.
It's still decorative.
Is it white wine? Nope.
Dude, hey, can you help me?
Don't poke people with knives!
Ph u" u y '8
Wow!
Bring it over. Got it.
There's no time to explain!
Dwight... Okay, actually there is time to explain.
When Angela found out that you seduced her husband,
we hired a guy to break your kneecaps.
My God! What is wrong with you?
What is wrong with you?
There are a million gorgeous guys
in the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre area,
and you choose the man who is the father of her child?
I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, don't lie!
I'm trying to save those precious knees you're always bragging about!
Now let's get out of here! He could be right behind us!
Actually, he's right in front of us!
Let's get it on. I'm going to do this.
I might... I might puke, but I'm going to do this.
No, Trevor. I'm not going to let you.
He's a Dunder Mifflin man. He's my tribe.
Sorry, Dwight, but for once in my stupid, stupid life,
I'm going to follow through on something. All right?
I have masculinity issues, lhave“.
Stop! No! Qkav-I got it!
Disarm! You don't know...
lsummon, I summon, I summon...
And disarm! Now!
Okay. Okay. Okay.
No, Oscar, no! He's a friend!
Okay. He's a friend.
Okay, the client is Heymont Brake and Tire. They're family owned,
but don't let that take away your edge.
Come on, Pam, I know you can fail. I see failure in you.
Remember, you're a scum bag, so you think scummy thoughts, like this.
Hello, this is Pam Halpert. I'm calling from Dunder Mifflin.
Yes, your paper provider.
And I just called to say
your mama is so fat, when she wears red
people yell "Hey, Kool-Aid!"
Yeah, your mom is fat! This is Pam Halpert!
- Did they say anything? - What did they say?
I couldn't tell. I don't... Were they angry?
I felt like they were confused at least.
Okay.
Oh, my-
Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin. Yes, you can.
Okay-
I will make sure that goes on file.
Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost a client!
Yes! All right!
Come on! You did good. You did good.
See you later, Heymont!
If you chase me, I will run so fast.
If you catch me, I will bite so hard. Got it?
Goodbye, my friend.
What the hell, Dwight?
See you later, Trevor!
You are incorrigible!
I just saved your life! You're welcome!
You hired someone to hit me with a pipe!
You deserve every bit of it!
You made my husband gay!
What I did was wrong, and I have to live with that every day.
But your husband is gay and he was gay when you married him.
No, no.
Angela, until you face that,
you're going to be confused and angry for all the wrong reasons.
But if you want to blame me for the whole thing,
go ahead. I won't stop you.
Hit me, you have my blessing. Hit me!
Well, are you going to let go of it?
Because part of the blame is definitely on you.
Angela, it's a lead fricking pipe!
God!
You were supposed to be my friend!
I'm so sorry! Angela!
Oscar.
Our crowning complaint card comes to us thanks to Pamela Halpert.
For insulting a client's recently deceased mother.
I did not know that. No.
A woman who struggled with obesity all her life.
I am so sorry.
Yeah, that is terrible.
All right!
Go, Pam!
You did it!
I feel so stupid. I sit next to him every day.
You're not stupid. Jazz is stupid.
Jazz is stupid! I mean, just play the right notes!
I know.
You're going to be okay, Monkey.
Idon%Hke your friend Trevor.
I don't like him either.
And yet, I really like him.
Well, we're here.
Perfect.
We're going to cover for you, you know?
Phyllis, what was that? Phyllis, are you dreaming, or...
I did enjoy grinding your beans, son.
Yeah, we really did peel your grapes.
This is hilarious. But we're going to stop with all the...
Shucking your peas!
Shucking my peas.
All right, just go back to the first part. You are going to cover for me?
Yeah.
Of course we are, Jimmy. We love you guys.
Oh, my God! Thank you. Thank you.
If you're an artist, you have to be okay with the idea
that you can't please everybody all the time.
You paint very bad, bad!
Shut up, Hide!
I mean, do you think Kevin cares what people think about him?
Or Creed? Or Meredith?
Oh, my gosh, these are my role models now.
You know what? I'm okay with that.
Where does gayness come from and how is it transmitted?
Now that is a loaded question.
My pastor said it can come from breast feeding.
He said that?
Well, he didn't fight me hard on it.
I don't know if there's truth to that.
What is it called when two men intertwine their penises
like the snakes on the medic-alert bracelet?
Uh...
Is it called Red Vine-ing?
We heard it was called Red Vine-ing. People Red-Vine?
Where are gay men's vaginae?
They don't have vaginae.
What?
No. They're just regular men.
When two gay men have sex,
how do they know whose penis will open up
to accept the other person's penis?
Wow.