The Office (2005–2013): Season 9, Episode 5 - Here Comes Treble - full transcript

This year I decided to really get into the spirit of Halloween.
It may have been the costliest decision I've ever made.
My greased-up head went into the pumpkin no problem, but...
it won't budge!
I can't get it out.
Try again.
I mean, I could try destroying the pumpkin.
No! No! No!
But as Jim and I discovered...
No!
Any blow to the pumpkin itself could prove fatal to me.
At first, I drove myself crazy thinking
about the things I should've done differently. Yes, Dwight.
I never should've played that joke on Erin.
I never should have hollowed out
this damned pumpkin in the first place.
But then I realized I was being silly.
I mean, the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two.
Right?
', 9W5- Hey!
Pam, what are you?
I'm Dr. Cinderella.
Cece's really into princesses now,
so we decided to turn them into positive female role models.
I'm an oncologist.
And you are a dog.
I'm a PUPPY-
Dang it, I was worried that would happen.
It's okay.
Jim, you're not dressed up at all.
Sure I am. lam
one of the Men in Black guys.
Can I have your sunglasses?
Jim, come on. I thought we were past this.
So the sports marketing business
that Jim told everyone about except for me...
There's a big investment lunch today,
so I decided to skip the costume.
Unless he has a secret costume that he told everyone about except for me.
Getting a lot of mileage out of this, aren't you?
Yeah, well, get used to it, bud.
Jitterbug.
You guys look great!
Just a reminder, the party is right after lunch,
so make sure you get all your work done before that or throw it out.
Any questions?
The Senator will be joining us later.
Not a question.
No, it wasn't.
Excellent. That reminds me, has anyone seen treble?
Anyone? I could have sworn I saw some treble somewhere.
Ladies and gentlemen, Here Comes Treble!
I'm a man without conviction
You come and go You come and go
Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon
You come and go You come and go
Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dreams
Red, gold, and green Red, gold, and green
Karma, come on!
Ah!
So good.
What lab did these little clones escape from?
My Cornell a cappella group.
You were in an a cappella group?
You went to Cornell?
Yeah! Okay.
But you have no idea how lucky you are,
because HCT is doing a set at our Halloween party.
Ugh. I don't want to sit through a whole concert of that.
I do! I love the boss' interests.
Attaboy, Clark.
Where you boys staying?
How does it work in the rooms? You get a privacy partition?
No. No, no, no. Stay away.
You know what I just realized?
They might actually call me up to solo on George Michael's Faith.
That was one of my signature songs.
Oh, man. That would be insane.
I'm so not prepared.
Are you sure you're okay with me putting in this much money?
Yeah. I mean, listen,
if we're going to do this thing, then we should do it right.
You're the best.
I kind of am. It's crazy.
- Okay, I'll see you in a little bit. - Okay.
Jim, look, I'm eating you.
Shut up.
Hey, Erin, look.
These are Nerds. I'm eating Jims.
Must eat more Jims!
Stop it! Stop it! I'm spilling Jims!
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Hello, little pill.
What do you do?
Dumatril is licensed to treat anxiety symptoms
such as panic attacks, excessive worrying and fear.
Translation?
There's a madman in our midst.
Okay, I give up. What are you?
I'm sexy Toby.
Gross! I love it.
Dumaflm
Something wrong, Dwight?
Dumaflfl
Yes?
This is a pill I found here in the office.
But it's not for worms or eczema, like any normal pill.
It's not for any disorder of the body.
It's for a disorder of the mind.
The mind is part of the body.
Okay, this is a pill that combats insanity.
Okay? Whoever is taking it is not only insane,
they are now off their meds.
Dwight, our co-workers' heafihissues
are really none of our business.
Why are you trying so hard to bury this thing, huh?
What's going on, Nellie? Talk to me. Hmm?
It's my pill. I have an anxiety issue, and I'm not ashamed of that,
but I'm not loving the idea of Dwight having that information.
I once saw him yell at Phyllis for sneezing wrong.
Yeah, you're right. This man needs to be apprehended.
I'll get my apprehension kit.
Dudes! What's up?
I know it's pathetic to relive your college years, but cut me some slack,
okay, because I was a freaking rock star in college.
When I joined Here Comes Treble, that's when I became somebody.
When I got the nickname Boner Champ, that is when I became me.
You didn't come here to sit in a room, right?
You came here for some intergenerational bro time!
Well, now's your chance! I'm here!
You got Q's, I got A's.
Did you say you've got AIDS?
No, I don't have AIDS. That's not what I said. Next question.
You don't have any questions about the old days?
You at least want to know why they call me Boner Champ?
I thought Broccoli Rob was the Boner Champ.
I'm sorry. What?
I just thought Broccoli Rob was the Boner Champ.
Broccoli Rob was Broccoli Rob.
Andy Bernard is the Boner Champ.
I didn't realize that everybody here dresses up every year.
Me neither.
It's Halloween.
That is really, really good timing.
I was just talking to some of the actives,
and they think that you're Boner Champ.
I'm so sorry. I don't know how that could've happened.
Did you maybe tell them that? Or...
I just started yapping about the old days,
and I guess the wine coolers were flowing,
and you know, somehow things just got hinky.
Could you call them and just tell them the truth?
Because I know it's really stupid,
but it's also really, really, really important.
Will do.
I love you, Andy.
Love you too.
So the workspace looks awesome.
And the graphic designer is gonna be
sending us in some of the logo treatments.
Can't wait to see them.
You guys rock.
Rocking.
There you go.
I've also been running the numbers, and between our backers
and our own investments, we're looking great for a full year on this.
Is it too late to get in?
Jim, I explained everything, so you're all set.
Oh, no, I actually talked to my wife, and we'd really like to,
you know, invest, get in on the ground floor.
Wow, well, what level of investment were you thinking about?
We were thinking somewhere between $5,000, $10,000.
I can do the full $10,000. We should just... All in.
All right, welcome aboard.
All right. Awesome, cool.
Hey, Darryl. I'm just here to smear some peanut butter on my forehead.
You know, to protect his brain
from the nanobots that the government put in the air conditioning.
That makes sense to you, right?
Or does it sound crazy?
I can't really picture it. Can you get it on there?
Yeah.
Maybe get the cheeks.
So this makes sense then? Or is it crazy?
Get under your chin first, yeah, yeah.
Is that where the nanobots like to come in?
Get all the way up to your lip, yeah.
Okay-
Is that how they like to get in?
Yeah. That's crazy.
I don't know. I just don't know.
Yo! Bad boys of a cappella!
Hey.
Heard any good stories lately or new twists on old stories?
Yeah, I got a call from Broccoli Rob.
I guess you really are the Boner Champ.
Did he tell you how I got the name?
No.
Spring Sing '95, we got completely ripped on Bud Drys,
I had sex with a snowman.
I just went at that thing.
The cold would've stopped most people,
but I stayed locked in, you know?
I took the face off. Just seemed easier that way.
And I told Phyllis not to put it out, but she insisted.
So, anyway, hi.
Oscar, you remember my husband, the Senator.
Senator Lipton. Nice to see you.
Nice to see you, Oscar.
Wait a second. Who designed this spread?
The sweets and savories are all mixed together.
This is mayhem.
So, Oscar, you're a dinosaur?
Actually, I'm the electoral college.
Ouch. Right on target.
You know what? This is outrageous. I have to find Phyllis.
You two talk, okay? Sorry, babe.
Okay.
Phyllis!
God, it's just so good to see you.
All having this wonderful Halloween gathering.
Excuse me, is that punch?
They didn't know about the snowman story.
And when I told them, they were not impressed.
What is with these turkeys? Right?
Hey. You better do Faith. You get me?
We don't know it.
So learn it. You all go to Cornell. You're, like, eight Rain Men.
Just learn the fricking song.
Look, I know it was big with the old guys, but...
Butts are for pooping.
Okay, make it work. You have to, or Andy will flip out.
And make it a surprise, please.
This isn't stupid.
What?
Hey- Hey-
Hey, Toby.
Are you me?
Yeah.
Oh, my goodness, look at this.
Yeah.
Look at me.
Being you. I know! Look at you.
It's funny, right?
All right, all right, just stay focused on the pill.
Okay, look. Dwight, let's just call this thing off.
I mean, it's just an anxiety pill. Lots of people have anxiety.
You think I don't have anxiety? I have anxiety all the time!
Every waking moment of my life is sheer torture!
I have land disputes to settle, and idiot cousins to protect,
and ne'er-do-well siblings to take care of.
And I don't need some stupid pill to get me through all this.
Cool, free upper.
Ah-ha! The jig is up, PSYChOpathl
Yeah! What the hell?
Don't dog catch me!
Gotcha! Yeah!
Let's see you get out of this web.
The pill is mine! What the...
What? Get her out.
Stop banging my head!
Dwight, look! It's just a pill, all right?
It's for anxiety. I take it every day, and it makes me feel better.
And maybe it could help you too.
Hey! How'd it go? Hey!
Man, it was great. They were great.
Did you end up investing?
I did, yeah. How much?
Uh...
By the end, I guess it was about 10.
About 10? Ten. it was the full 10.
Wow. Yeah.
Wow. Yeah.
You know, it's a good thing we talked about it, though,
because we had to. Yeah, yeah. I know.
Yeah.
So did everybody end up investing $10,000?
Um... Man, I don't actually know.
What?
They weren't really talking that much about money.
They just said, "We're good with investing," and then I...
Ladies and gentlemen.
Here Comes Treble.
They said they were done with the investing,
and then you volunteered $10,000?
No, lhadto. I needed to look like a team player, Pam.
So you invested $10,000 to look like a team player?
You weren't there. It was very clear
that $10,000 is what we had to do.
We'll talk about it later.
No, I want to talk about it now!
Jim, that was most of our savings.
And I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
Wait. Wait, hold on.
Where's the band?
'Cause there's no way you guys are making this magic
with just your mouths!
That's what she said.
Why, am I overdoing it?
No. No.
We said some. We said some.
We'll talk about it later.
We said "part.".
And I'll be your crying shoulder
Get your car washed today
Ba-da-bah
Fill up and you don't have to pay
Ba-da-bah
Come on and give us a play
Get a wash Right away
Car wash, yeah!
Yes! Oh, man.
That's how you do that!
Thank you.
Show some pride. This is crap.
I agree. Yes, crap.
Confinue.
Now, folks, by special request,
we're going to take it a little old school.
There is a former Trebler in this room.
Who? It's Mr. Andy Bernard.
No, do not sing that. Do not... Oh, man.
He reminded us today of how much he means to us,
and we certainly seem to mean a lot to him.
So, without any further ado, here's an old Treble classic.
Dank, dank, dank, dank dank, dank, dank, dank, dank
Well, I guess it would be nice
If I could touch your body
I know not everybody Has got a body like you
Whoa! Whoa!
What the hell is Broccoli Rob doing here?
She said you wanted to hear Faith.
That's Broccoli Rob's signature song.
Oh, but I need some time off...
That's my signature song.
I really didn't know that, man.
I just thought you wanted to hear it.
Russell, I'm dressed like George Michael.
Ithoughtyou were Adam Lambert.
The more I hear about all this a cappella drama,
the more I think it's kind of pathetic.
But when you're with someone, you put up with the stuff
that makes you lose respect for them, and that is love.
Are you okay?
He's still mad.
Okay. Shut up, Broccoli!
Champ, I feel awful about this whole thing.
Russell called me up,
and they said they needed 20 cc's of George Michael, stat.
So, just wham! I sprang into action. You know me.
I assumed you wanted to hear me do your signature number.
You thought I wanted to sit in the audience like some slutty Treb rat?
A man's signature solo is his for life, okay?
That's group policy, and you know it.
Look, it's not my fault I still live near campus.
And it's my duty as an alum to be friendly to the young guys,
and stop in two, three times a week.
Just don't do the song anymore.
I tell you what. We'll have a sing-off for it.
You pick 12 alums from any year
to back you up, and I'll do the same.
And I'm so confident that I'll win, I won't even warm up.
Fine, go ahead, thrash your pipes.
My pipes are primo, Champ!
Why don't you ask Trey Anastasio about my pipes?
I knew you would go there, you son of a bitch!
He said, and I quote, "Hey, Rob, nice pipes-" That happened!
Okay. Fine, yeah. That's real!
That's one guy's opinion. That'll never change!
Okay! Okay!
Doesn't mean you're the best singer ever. Dick!
I thought that concert was pretty great.
Oh, yeah, I decided acapelco music is awesome.
They lost me when they sang Monster Mash.
That song obviously glorifies the occult.
Angela, it's Halloween. You have to sing Monster Mash.
You have to, Jim? You literally have to?
Uh...
No, I'm just... I'm saying what would happen if they didn't sing it?
Would they go to jail? Would they be shot?
Okay. We'll just forget it.
No, no! I'm interested.
I mean, I think everybody's interested in why they have to sing it.
Because it is Halloween.
So if you're going to sing a concert,
it's a good idea to throw that one in.
Yeah, yeah. No, no, it's a good idea to brush your teeth,
but you have to, um, feed your children. Send them to school.
You know, all things you can't do
if you just keep singing Monster Mash.
It turns out Pam really, really hates Monster Mash.
I mean, like, never bring that song up in front of her.
Even though Jim was making great points, like, in favor of the song,
Pam was like, "No! Hate it! Stupid!"
This is all so silly, right?
What am I going to do, move back to Cornell?
Yeah.
I mean, what if we did that?
Like, we gotjobs, and we were happy all the time?
Oh. Well, Andy, we're not moving to Cornell.
Duh, I know. That would be insane. Yeah.
It could totally work, though.
I don't know why we wouldn't.
Oh, my God, are we doing this?
Oy. Andy, what is going on?
If I am not Boner Champ,
I don't know who I am.
Well, you know, maybe you're the wise old guy
that the new B-O-N-E-R Champ looks up to.
You know, you could just... Make a donation.
Well, I was going to say, be a mentor.
Yes.
I'm going to make a donation.
And it just so happens I know someone
who works at the Bernard Family Foundation.
Her name is Mom.
Oh.
I want some of those pills.
Oh. Well, good for you.
I mean, you'll need a prescription.
Oh, no, no, they're not for me.
They're for my cousin, Mose.
He's just having a tough time, being wifeless,
and a high-pressure job, and his crazy cousin Mose.
Other cousin Mose. Mmm.
Got it.
Well, you tell Mose that he's a good man,
and I hope he feels better.
Which one?
Mose, or the real Mose?
The real Mose.
He says thank you.
Mom? I had this really charitable idea
to set up a scholarship for a cappella kids at Cornell,
and just need to wire some money over there.
What?
Far above the busy humming of the bustling town
Reared against the arch of heaven
What's wrong?
Looks she proudly down
My parents are broke.
Lift the chorus, speed it onward
Loud her praises tell
Hail to thee, our alma mater
Hail, all hall, Cornell!