The Office (2005–2013): Season 9, Episode 22 - A.A.R.M. - full transcript

The tea in Nepal is very hot.
"But the coffee in Peru is much hotter."
Last week, I finally became permanent
manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton!
My first project, increase security.
I got these doors from a jewelry store
that had recently gone out of business.
Now they're protecting America's real treasure, papefl
Every morning, I e-mail the day's security codes.
Something that's been really missing
from my life has been writing secret codes.
It's not the KGB, but it's a start.
The tea in Nepal is very hot.
But the coffee in Peru is far hotter.
Close.
This is Tuesday, right?
The coffee in Paraguay is far hotter?
Colder.
The coffee in Paraguay is colder?
No, I meant you were getting colder.
The correct response is, "The coffee in Peru is much hotter."
Ah. "Much," okay.
But that's three wrongs, so I've got to give you the steam.
No. Unless you want me to break protocol.
No, no. Give me the steam.
It's just harmless steam to panic intruders.
I'd like to get harmful steam, but the prices are absurd.
Break protocol!
Oh, I'm saving a fortune on dry-cleaning.
Mama.
Angela, someone wants you.
Okay. Coming.
Hi, baby.
Angela's divorce from the Senator
has been very difficult for her.
When she got kicked out of her apartment,
I invited her to move in with me.
Ironic that now it's Angela who's living in the closet.
Hey-o!
Saddle shoes with denim?
I will, literally, call Child Protective Services.
Go get 'em, honey.
Don't worry. They'll get got.
Manager of Dunder Mifflin? Check.
Owner of a 1,600 acre beet farm? Check.
Engaged to be married to an actual milk maid? Check...
...on that later today.
This is my grandmother's ring.
It was made from a bullet I took out of her left buttock.
She was a moonshiner shot by Adolph Coors.
This is my grandmother's buttock bullet ring.
Hi. Good morning.
Name is Andrew Bernard.
You might know me from a TV documentary that's premiering tonight.
Also killed it in local theater
and I'm fresh off of a hot industrial flick.
Okay. Thanks.
Go ahead and get in the back of the line.
Yes!
Well, I burned all my bridges at Dunder Mifflin,
and time to become the next American Idol
by winning America's Next A Cappella Sensation
on Channel TBD!
It's a really cool show. It's like a total
reinvention of the whole American Idol,
Voice, Sing-Off phenomenon.
On this show all three judges are mean!
Sales form for you to sign.
You know what to do.
Okay-
Behind every great regional manager
is a great assistant to the regional manager.
And I have chosen one of the best.
Aw. Thanks, man.
Once upon a time, we were natural enemies.
But we've overcome our differences,
much like Germany and Italy, in World War...
Nope.
Good call.
Together we run a no-nonsense office.
Pre-conference room meeting with Dwight went really well.
Oh! Bodes well for the post-conference room meeting.
All depends on the conference room meeting itself.
Okay-
Was that them again?
Yeah.
Maybe you should call them back.
I will.
The guys at Athlead are still bugging me
about this three-month road show thing.
Meeting athletes on their home turf, building relationships.
Yeah, it sounds exciting. But I said no, and that's final.
I almost lost Pam over this business. I'm not risking that again.
When Jim decided to come back to
Scranton full time, I was relieved
but I also feel a little guilty.
I mean, he's giving up this big thing for me.
But he seems happy. He's certainly been goofing around a lot.
I love goofy Jim.
Welcome. He welcomes you.
Please take an agenda item.
Your agenda-taking pleases him.
Have a seat, Phyllis.
Here we go.
As you know, I like to begin each day with an inspirational quote.
Some say, the only failure there is, is the failure to try.
That is wrong. Failure of any kind is failure.
Jim, over to you.
Let's not get crazy and ruin our no-nonsense streak.
All right? So, for instance, if you're expecting a fax today,
please don't yell out, "Michael J. Fax, from Fax to the Future!"
Okay? That's nonsense.
Question. Yes, beautiful girl in the front?
We are expecting a water delivery today at 10:00 a.m.
What if as they're delivering the waterjugs
someone screams out, "Nice jugs!"
That's obviously nonsense.
Nonsense.
And what percentage of nonsense do we tolerate in this office?
Zero percentage of nonsense.
Can't have nonsense.
What is going on?
Daycare won't take Phillip anymore.
Why?
Apparently my station in life has descended
to a depth even they won't forgive.
So, hi.
Hi, buddy.
Okay, new agenda item,
Phillip will be joining us at the office today.
Got to write that down.
Okay, big day today, airing of the documentary. Who's excited?
I'd better come out of this smelling like a rose.
I've been on my best behavior for nine years.
If it wasn't for the cameras I would've done some truly vulgar crap.
Over the course of this documentary, I've had three affairs.
If you find my body in a ditch,
let me save the police some trouble.
My wife did it.
I'm letting you all off half an hour early to view the documentary.
So you can make it up to me by working
an extra half an hour tomorrow,
or a minute extra for the rest of the month.
Ooh, announcement. Some of us whose televisions got broken
during an all-you-can-eat-shrimp commercial
will be watching tonight at Poor Richard's.
But note, all are welcome,
not just those who saw an all-you-can-eat-shrimp commercial
and charged their televisions.
I can't believe the doc is finally going to air.
When this thing started, I was still having sex with women.
As was Kevin, I believe.
This airs tonight?
Oh, my God.
If my parents see this, I am toast.
This is really huge.
This is like the March on Washington but for a singing show.
Can you imagine if Martin Luther King were here
and sang I Dreamed a Dream from Les Miz?
With that baritone? That would be historic.
Whoo-hoo! Casey Dean! Cincinnati, Ohio!
Doctor, Doctor Give me the news
I got a great Casey Dean for you
Whoa. No. America!
No, this is my time. You don't belt on my time, I belt on my time.
Casey Dean
Casey Dean
Man, those are some nice pipes. Yeah.
What's your name?
What's yours?
Why didn't you pack the apple snacks?
Guys.
Because whenever I pack the bag
you say I do it wrong.
Guys. Guys. Why don't you pack it?
Kevin, what? Kevin, what is it?
Do you want to see a video of a weatherman
who says "bold front" instead of "cold front"?
Ifsinsane!
Not now, Kevin. Can't you see we're busy?
Phillip needs his apple snacks!
Seriously, Kevin.
I'm just going to have to go to the store.
Okay, you go to the store.
Phillip. Phillip. Phillip. It's all about Phillip.
I hate Phillip.
Not now! Private time.
I love Star Wars as much as the next guy...
Hey, hey! Seriously?
My God. I'm so sorry.
Well, this might make up for it.
I think I have found an enormous source of overlooked PFN.
Which is, of course...
Potential Future Nonsense.
Yes. Good abbreviating, Jim. That saved some time.
Now hurry up, shut the door!
Break it down for me.
I'm going to need you to look at your hierarchy mobile.
You've got a regional manager.
The power source.
Obviously. The assistant to the regional manager.
The loyal but bungling apostle.
But what about the assistant assistant to the regional manager?
Someone to whisper in the ear of the consigliere.
Exactly.
I'd have to get some more wire and string.
But it's doable.
Do you think any of them out there are capable?
Yeah, right.
I mean, unless they're willing to pass some tests.
I like the sound of that.
What did you have in mind?
Well, I know this sounds crazy,
but how would King Arthur choose
the next knight of his Round Table?
That doesn't sound crazy, Jim. That's the sanest thing I've ever heard.
What are you listening to?
Hmm? I'm locking in my starting note.
A 440
Oh, sweet. A cappella is all about pitch,
and I am nothing if not a total pitch-bitch.
What's up, everybody, and welcome to
America's Next A Cappella Sensation.
Hi, Mark McGrath!
Oh, my God!
You're gorgeous!
Thank you. Thank you so much,
and thank you for your patience. And we hope to see you guys
within the next five to seven hours.
Now, just to give you a couple of parameters of the show,
each of you will sing a song for 30 seconds,
after which our judges will decide
if they want you in their a cappella group.
Now each group will start with 90 singers
which will compete in a series of singing and physical challenges.
Oh!
And look out for that pesky mole!
Ooh! There's a mole?
Oops. I'm not supposed to...
I'm not supposed to say that. All right, no mole.
Forget I said it. All right?
What mole? What are you talking about? I already forgot about it.
Good man, right there.
I'll see you guys inside. Good luck, all right?
Yeah!
Pour some Sugar Ray on me!
On a roll much? I don't know where that came from.
That was amazing, man. Yeah.
Yeah, it felt good. It felt funny.
Yeah, you made a personal connection with him.
I did! I felt it. Big time.
What are you so excited about?
Nothing.
What are you up to?
Members of the office, hear ye!
That means ye, Plop.
"Plop"? Still?
We owe Andy that much.
- Yeah. - Absolutely we do.
Am I right, people?
Fine.
Today we will be testing candidates
for the position of Assistant to the Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Oh, heck yeah! Nice.
You'll always have the upper hand
when you've got a good AARM. Trademark pending.
This is not an excuse to blow off work
doing carnival-like activities.
Sure, every participant will be getting a corndog,
but that's for fueling only. No savoring.
Wow, what an honor. God, I envy them.
He envies you.
You don't need to repeat right now.
All right. What I'm saying.
By 2:00, Dwight will choose himself
to be assistant to his own assistant, me.
What's up?
What's going on? How was the delivery?
Delivered all my furniture to Philly.
Hey, keep it down though. Nobody knows I'm here.
DARRYL". I hate goodbyes.
So last week, when I left Dunder Mifflin for good,
I pulled the old Irish exit.
Just slipped out without making a big deal.
No hard feelings. No feelings at all.
A good assistant knows what their superior
is thinking before they even think it.
Meredith, what number am I thinking of right now?
Uh... Two?
Nine-hundred-eighty-five trillion seventeen.
Not even close, Meredith. Come on!
Pam, what song is running through my head right now?
Theme song from Saved by the Bell.
Oh, my God! It was the theme song to Boy Meets World.
Wait! No, no, no, stop.
Spouses can read each other's minds.
You're trying to give your wife this job.
That's exactly what I was doing.
Plop, what animal am I picturing?
A horse?
Ooh. Exact opposite, actually.
What's the opposite of a horse?
A sea horse.
A sea horse!
Whoa.
How did you know I was going to say that?
Say that.
Uncanny. Uncanny.
Challenge number two. Protocol. Clark? Yeah.
Do you want a corndog?
I would love a corndog.
We'll see. You are an assistant
who's just gotten a phone message.
I am in a meeting with Dwight, Robert Dunder
and his niece. Uh-oh! Look who came to join us.
The Turkish Ambassador to Armenia,
Yuri Slovak, who, by the way, is extremely
embarrassed about the size of his nose.
Go ahead and read that phone message.
Mr. Halpert, your wife called to find out how
your meeting with Yuri Big Nose went.
No, no, no. You don't read it aloud like that.
God! Besides, the whole thing is a trick question.
There's no Turkish Ambassador to Armenia,
the two countries don't have diplomatic relations.
Uncanny.
I just hope if my buddies who are still in Afghanistan see me win,
they'll feel like anything is possible.
Great, more screen time for the war vet.
All you got to do is risk your life for this
country and everyone goes ga-ga for you.
Over at the porta potties,
they were interviewing a homeless single mother with three kids.
What? Yeah.
Is this a show about the resiliency of the human spirit,
or is it a show about singing?
I don't know, but I'm getting really worried here.
Me, too.
Hold my place in line.
Where are you going?
They want feel-good stories?
Wait till they get a good feel of me.
Thanks, man. Thank you.
Man, take care.
Darryl! Hey!
Hey-
Cool, are you coming back to say hi?
No, no. I'm not here, actually.
These donuts are part of my escape
from the guys at the warehouse I didn't say goodbye to.
A-ha! How's Athlead?
We're living like rock stars!
I'm about to eat free steak with
my sports heroes in 32 different cities!
Wow! Jim really doesn't want to come?
He says he doesn't want to.
Man, I hope he doesn't regret it.
Well, he seems really happy being back here at Dunder Mifflin.
Jim is happy here, selling paper at Dunder Mifflin?
That's what he says.
If you say so.
Hey, good seeing you,
and remember, I was never here.
All right, man.
An assistant brings their boss coffee with speed and dexterity,
but an assistant to the assistant has 1,000 times more to prove.
A thousand times more.
I'll try this one. Phyllis.
Grab both these coffees, double-fist it,
and head through this obstacle course.
Okay. Ooh, it's hot.
Yeah, it's real.
It's the only way you'll learn. Okay.
And go ahead.
Oh, God, nice.
She's through the green, everybody. Here comes yellow.
Oh, no, no, no. A real doozie.
Phyllis? Seriously?
Careful.
Look at that form!
Oh, God, this is pathetic.
The boss needs his coffee!
Wow.
Here you are, sir! Here's your coffee.
Ow! My skin!
Ow! Ow! Oh!
It burns! Ow!
Uncanny.
Darryl? Darryl!
Whoa! Oh, hey. Hey! What's up, y'all?
You left us without saying goodbye!
Oh. My bad. Goodbye, everybody.
Hey, no way!
That is totally uncool.
Are you kidding?
You broke our hearts!
Get upstairs.
I don't think I should.
Get upstairs, mister! Yeah!
Right now!
Guess I'm going upstairs.
You know, Dwight, this whole search for the assistant thing,
none of these people are good enough.
I know.
What I'm about to say makes no logical sense,
and yet it might be the most logical thing I've ever said.
Jim, this is going to come as no surprise,
but I know exactly what you are going to say.
The only possible assistant to my assistant...
ls...
...me.
The new Assistant to the Assistant to the Regional Manager is
Dwight K. Schrute! Yes!
Yes.
Thank you.
I think you might want to kneel for this.
And yet, the manager of Dunder Mifflin kneels for no man.
That's it. Okay.
You look really, really good.
Okay, from now on, anyone who needs to speak to me,
has got to go through me first. All right?
Hey!
Hey. You all right?
What's going on?
Are you happy?
Yes, I'm happy-
No, I know that you're, Hke, happy
and you had fun today. Yeah.
And that was fun. But what about a year from now?
What? What about five years from now?
Pam...
Because I'm so glad you're back, baby,
but I'm just... I was talking to Darryl,
and he was talking about the trip,
and I just feel like you're giving up so much.
This was my decision, not yours.
You didn't force me.
I kind of forced you to do it.
You did not force me to do this.
Yes, I did. I don't know how else to tell you.
I'm afraid you're going to resent me.
I'm afraid that this is not enough for you. Resent you?
And I'm afraid that I'm not enough for you.
Is that really what you think?
Notenough? I don't know how else to explain it to her, so,
you know what? I know it's against the rules,
but I'm going to need a favor from you guys.
Okay. You got it, man.
I didn't realize we were this close.
We're all a little hormonal with the doc airing.
Are you gonna come to Poor Richard's and watch with us tonight?
Uh...
Yeah, depending on traffic.
He ain't coming.
Oh, God!
These dudes are definitely in a weird mood.
Picked the wrong day to return a truck.
Well, it's been great.
Eleven years. A guy is in your life for 11 years
and then he's gone for who knows how long.
Maybe forever.
Anyhow...
Did we ever have lunch together,
just the two of us?
You know what? I'm going to make
reservations right now at Cugino's.
Question for Darryl.
Did we ever get loaded and listen to Zeppelin in my van?
Oh. Oh, I'm sure we did.
Nah, I call one hour van time with Darryl.
Darryl, I would love to just record some of your stories,
just let the tape roll for six or eight
or 10 hours and just see what we get.
Listen, guys, we can do it all.
We just have to divide Darryl's
next 12 hours into 90-minute segments.
I will go watch an e-How video on how to use Excel,
and then we'll get this started.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute!
Okay, I made the mistake of sneaking out of here, and that's on me.
But I'm not going to spend the rest of the day here
doing stuff with you 'cause you're feeling sentimental.
You have to!
Hey, hey, hey, hey! I'll do one thing with y'all.
Which thing?
I don't care. Choose amongst yourselves. Not the van, though.
Yeah, sleep time?
Kevin. Kevin!
Oh, you know my name.
Well, that is shocking.
Kevin, could you not do that?
What? I'm moving the ink down in my pen, for work.
Here, use my pen.
Don't tell me what to do!
I don't need this. And you obviously don't need me.
Kevin, where are you going? Away!
Tell Phillip that his stupid little baby wish came true!
He just won't go down.
It's as if he's excited by all this paper.
I know. Earlier today he tried to eat some of the 24-weight letter bond.
Smart baby.
That's the most flavorful bond.
Hey, what's going on over here?
Some sort of singing competition for the young'uns?
You're back!
No, it's me, Andy!
No, I know!
No, I'm wearing makeup!
You did a really great job.
Thank you. You even look shorter.
Oh, I took out my lifts. Yeah, unlike Andy Bernard,
this character is my real height.
Oh.
All day long it's moo the cows and cluck the hens.
Mmm-hmm. Get the sheep baa-ed. Oink the pigs.
Oink the pigs. That is very important.
Dwight, I'm telling you all the things Ma
said after the horse kicked her in the head.
Where are you?
Dwight?
The way that boy looks at the Galactica,
is precisely the way I look at the Galactica.
And he eats the same kind of paper I do.
Hmm.
Thank you, Esther. Bye.
You threw the summoning bag at me, sir?
I need you to perform a test.
Perform a test.
On an innocent baby.
Ooh. I like where this is going.
Unfortunately, I have a lot on my plate today,
so I'm going to have to hand this off to my number two.
But don't worry.
He's the best in the biz.
Damn straight.
Unless you think he can't handle it.
Hey, he can handle it.
All right.
Listen, listen. Shh, buddy.
Stanley is sleeping. You don't want to
wake up the grumpy old walrus, do you?
I heard that.
Mama.
Hey, you want me to take the little diaper blaster?
Pam can attest, there's no one better
at getting brats to shut their yaps.
He does have a gift.
Well, he's crying for his mom, but, okay, here you go. Careful, he bites.
Mama. Okay.
You ever been in a manager's office before?
Phillip, you want to play a little game?
It's called Schrute or Consequences?
You're going to choose one of these two things,
a check for a million dollars
or this dirty, old beet.
Yuck! Phew!
Which will it be,
money or the beet?
Beet.
Yeah.
Any ordinary child would have taken the money,
but you're no ordinary child, are you? No.
I can tell by your gorgeous, widely set eyes.
Sorry, folks. The judges are totally swamped.
We are all done taking auditions.
Whoa, whoa! What?
But thanks for coming out, and please be sure to watch
America's Next A Cappella Sensation.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't do that.
You can't do that. We've all been waiting!
Okay. lam going in there.
No.
Don't... Don't touch me!
I'm not touching you.
Look! Run, old man! Run!
Run! Run for your life!
Don't you dare. Don't get...
I just thought you were going to get handsy with me.
Not interested. I'm Casey Dean.
Be seeing the last of me.
Or I meant you won't be seeing the last of me.
Hey!
Did you manage to feed him?
I don't know what it is, he just keeps spitting out the nipple.
That's because this baby is of superior intelligence
and can tell when he is being tricked
out of the experience of a real human breast.
Come on.
He's not that smart.
He doesn't know where I hid his duck.
You're still here! Oh, thank God.
Clay Aiken, Santigold and Aaron Rodgers!
You're like my three favorite people ever!
Excuse me, what is this?
Sweetheart, you're amazing, okay?
You're obviously going to be on the show.
So, it's someone else's turn now.
Go ahead. All right?
Um...
My name is Ezra Cornell!
And I'm just a kindly old fellow with a song in my heart.
No, you're a middle-aged man with a lot of makeup on.
Busted.
Got it. Yes, all right, tried to get your attention with tricks,
but you just want to hear me sing. I respect that.
We do not want to hear you sing.
Gabriella was our last audition.
Thank you, goodbye.
Nope! Can't end like this.
Slept in my car last night, quit my job, burned all my bridges!
I went to the bathroom on my boss's car,
and I did unspeakable things with Carla Fern.
Flag on the play.
That's what... Yeah. Okay, all right. Well, here's the song.
What is this song?
Are you insane?
It's the Cornell Fight Song!
Listen, all right, thank you very much. We're not interested.
You didn't let me finish! That's not fair!
Look, man, you're not terrible, but we've
heard a lot of really good singers today,
and you're just not good enough.
Wow, you guys are really mean.
I guess that's the show.
Let me try a different song, okay?
Can he do this?
Yeah.
Look, you've got to go.
You can't just sit here and cry.
I can so just sit here and cry!
Thank you.
Hey, Kev. How are you doing, buddy?
I can't hear you.
I'm giving you the silence treatment.
How does it feel being ignored?
Okay, I guess. It's just that Phillip got you something.
Yeah, a $25 gift card, iTunes.
I think there's, like, $7 left.
It's just his way of saying, "Thanks
for letting me hang out in Accounting."
Phillip got this for me?
Sure.
That was a really cool move.
Would you like to hold Phillip?
Yeah, that's Kevin.
Hi.
- Whoa. - Easy.
What a chubbers.
Whoa... Okay, hey.
I'm losing my balance.
Okay, Kevin, no. No. No horseplay.
Stop it.
You want to play with the cactus?
No! No!
So me and Phillip were just talking,
and we decided we're going to be best friends.
He's a little stand-offish at first.
But once he starts buying you things,
man, you can tell he likes you.
We have our decision.
You chose one thing.
We want to dance with you.
You want to dance?
One dance, all of us together.
This is what you want?
Yeah. Absolutely.
Better get some decent speakers up here then,
'cause we're going to do this right.
Yes!
Hey, you wanted to see me?
Door. Chair.
It's about Phillip.
I'm sorry he's here today, but I had this...
lbeheve
that that boy may be a Schrute,
and if he is,
that child needs to be accorded what is his,
an enormous farm, an inheritance,
and the right to be raised under rigorous Schrute traditions.
You will, of course, be compensated with a marriage proposal.
How thoughtful.
Then the two of you would move to my 1,600 acre estate,
which let's face it, is a big step up
from living in a gay man's closet.
If he is your son
that's a great plan.
But he's not. He's not your son.
Very well.
Can I go back to my desk now?
Yes.
What's this?
Well, I've been trying to tell you how I feel,
and you wouldn't believe me, so,
I needed a little help.
Jim. I need my Assistant to the Regional Manager. Code red.
Okay, I don't have my pocket code chart on me right now, so...
Now!
I have an assistant now, who can help you with whatever you need.
He is lazy, so crack the whip.
Jim, I'm not kidding, I need you.
Go ahead.
Okay. Um...
This is...
I'll be right back.
What have we got?
I was thinking of proposing to Esther today.
Wow! Okay, congratulations.
That's a really big step, man.
She's got a ton of great qualities.
She's young, she's beautiful, genes so pure you could lick them.
Her family admires me, and my family tolerates hers.
A lot of them are the same people, because we're third cousins,
which is great for bloodlines, and isn't technically incest.
Right in the sweet spot. I think you're going to be really happy.
Plus, her dowry contains a walk-in freezer
full of frozen premium cattle sperm.
That's a lot of pros.
And did I mention that she weaves?
Colorful, durable blankets and rugs! It all adds up.
So what is the problem?
Angela.
I don't know what you want me to tell you, man.
All I know is
that every time I've been faced with a tough decision,
there's only one thing that outweighs every other concern,
one thing that will make you give up on
everything you thought you knew.
Every instinct, every rational calculation.
Some sort of virus?
Love.
Oh.
I'm in love with you.
What?
Dwight, listen, no matter what happens...
...you've got to forget about all the other stuff.
You've got to forget about logic and fear and doubt.
You've just got to do everything you can
to get to the one woman who's going to make all this worth it.
At the end of the day,
you've got to jump.
You love Angela, Dwight.
I think you always have.
You're a good assistant, Jim.
Not as good as you.
That's very true.
Get the hell out of here.
You got it.
I was just checking out my present.
This is an amazing gift, because it comes with bonus gifts.
Look inside.
Oh, my God! The yearbook picture.
Yes. Incredible.
Is this the bottle timer?
I didn't think you were going to get that one. I really didn't.
Oh, no! This is like the best present ever.
Well... Okay, wait.
What is this?
The mini-golf pencil you threw at me.
Like three years ago? You saved this?
Oh, my God.
You watched it.
Yeah.
Well, then I guess you're ready for this.
What's that?
It's from the teapot.
Everything you'll ever need to know is in that note.
Not enough for me?
You are everything.
Thank you.
Okay, ready, everybody?
Hit it, Red!
I wanted to leave quietly.
It seemed dignified.
But having Kevin grind up on my front
while Erin pretends to hump me from behind
is a more accurate tribute to my years here.
I'm going to miss these guys.
Okay, I've got mY...
See you guys at Poor Richard's, okay? All right, Meredith.
All right. Okay, bye.
See you there. Bye, Phillip.
Listen, I... High five!
Yeah. Yay!
I am going to drop Phillip off at my mother's,
and I'll meet you at Poor Richard's in an hour.
You sure you don't want me to drop him off?
She doesn't know I'm living with a straight woman.
I don't want to get her hopes up.
All right. Okay?
Bye, buddy! Bye, bye.
Oh, my goodness!
Pull over!
Dwight!
Move to the side of the road!
Why?
Pull over!
What are you... Dwight!
Dwight! What the is your problem?
Silence, woman! Listen to me! Who drives like that?
I love you.
And I don't care that Phillip is not my son!
I will raise 100 children
with 100 of your lovers if it means I can be with you!
Can you put that down?
This expresses how loudly I love you!
lfstooloud.
This is a ring
taken from the buttocks of my grandmother,
put there by the gangster patriarch of the Coors dynasty,
melted in a foundry run by Mennonites.
Okay. Yes. I will!
I love you!
And I lied to you.
What?
Phillip's your son.
What? Why would you say that...
I just needed you to want to marry me
because you wanted to marry me.
Get out!
I'm a dad! You're a dad!
Hey, grab a seat.
We have that table and that table, but not that table,
or that table, or that table.
Floor's up for grabs. Meredith's been hogging the can.
Oh!
You have to change the channel to PBS.
Yeah. College baseball's on.
Well, there's a documentary coming up.
Everyone in the bar will love it!
What's it about?
A paper company. Oh, ho, ho!
How many people want the game?
Yeah!
Who wants PBS?
Sorry. Tie means I do nothing.
Sir, please!
This show is about me and my attempts
to find love in all the wrong places.
One more for the doc!
All right, Andy!
All right. Yes.
Hey, how was the singing show audition?
Oh...
Whatever. No big deal.
Okay, 30 seconds to show time!
I feel scared a little. I'm not ready for this!
No one is ready for this! You can't be ready for this!
We don't even know what this is!
One thing we do know. Nothing will ever be the same.
Here we go.
All right, Jim, your quarterlies look very good.
How are things going at the library?
Oh, I told you. I couldn't close it, so...
So you've come to the master for guidance?
Is this what you're saying, Grasshopper?
Actually you called me in here.
All right, well, let me show you how it's done.