The Office (2005–2013): Season 9, Episode 2 - Roy's Wedding - full transcript

The building's custodian is on vacation for the month,
and Dwight is too cheap to hire a replacement.
So instead, we're living in filth.
But not for long, because I have created the chore wheel.
Oh, yeah! Can I spin first?
Well, it doesn't spin.
We'll just move the wheel one notch each morning,
and you see what chore you get that day.
A wheel is supposed to spin. Yeah.
You know, like...
No, I'm familiar with spinning.
It's just, that wouldn't work with a chore wheel,
because people might get the same chore.
Bah! Boring. All she talks about is chores.
A wheel wants to spin, Pam.
Spinning would be more fun.
Okay-
Okay! That's what I'm talking about.
Big money, big money.
Yeah!
"Mug duty"?
Yes! You clean all the mugs in the sink.
This sucks.
Yeah, seriously. It's like everything on there is work.
I don't think you guys understand why we're doing this. It's...
Yeah, and I don't think that you understand wheels.
I've been through several rounds of development with the team,
and here's where we stand with the chore wheel.
We've got prizes!
"Ten Bucks," "Candy Bar," "Manager For An Hour."
But there are also penalties
like "No Internet," "Stanley Gets Your Lunch."
The one thing that is not on the chore wheel is chores.
But they were right, it's more fun this way.
Tiny Wheel! Tiny Wheel! Tiny Wheel! Tiny Wheel!
The Tiny Wheel actually does have chores.
It's so cute, no one seems to mind.
"Toilets!"
Pam, we've got to go! Cece, go back inside.
Grandma's got breakfast, okay?
We are going to Roy's wedding.
Yep, Roy.
I think the only weird thing about going to your wife's
ex-fiance's wedding on a weekday at 8:00 a.m.
is that it's your wife's ex-fiancé. Thanks, Mom!
A banana? Yeah.
I'm afraid he's only going to have hot dogs.
Come on. Not even Roy would have hot dogs at his wedding.
I planned a wedding with him. He wanted hot dogs.
It's so weird.
Oh, Pete. You got mail.
Really? I got something?
Well, it's addressed to Customer Service, so it's your mail.
Well, you know, I'm also customer service.
Yeah, I'm alternating.
Another person yelling at me.
Well, it could be a nice letter.
I write nice letters to companies all the time.
That's really nice.
Wow. Newsweek, huh? This election thing is crazy, right?
It's opened.
Oh, yeah. I accidentally read it. It's not a nice letter.
Get excited!
The special projects fairy has arrived.
I know you don't really exist.
Today, I launch my big charity initiative, Operation Giveback.
Andy has shot down all of my special projects thus far,
but this one is about charity, so I'd like to see him piss on that one.
Darryl!
What's happening? Congratulations, baby.
Yeah. Oh, thank you.
Is this his house? I think so.
Mimosa?
I'm okay. Thank you.
Would you like me to take your peel?
Yes. Thank you.
Okay-
Who was that?
Uh...
My ex-fiancée. Ha-ha.
I started a new business with my college friend,
but Pam doesn't know.
Um...
Actually I did tell Pam and we decided, "No."
But then I decided, "Yes," anyway,
so I'm thinking there's another conversation coming,
and it's hard to know when that will be.
With Operation Giveback, you pick the charities Dunder Mifflin supports.
Oh, boy! What's happening?
There's $4,000 to give away, so who has filled out their forms?
Stanley?
American Diabetes Association.
Um, you have diabetes, Stanley.
I'm sorry. ls the assignment to pick a selfish charity?
I... I would love to give...
Heifers International.
Listen to this. They give a poor person, like, a goat or something?
It's a great prank.
I want to work with Jimmy Carter and help build gnomes.
Dwight? What about you?
I will not be participating, as there is no evidence that charity works.
Uh, correction, I give to a foundation that teaches
homeless children nautical flag signaling. It changes lives.
Thank you, Andy.
I'm not doing it for you.
I'm doing it for the preservation of nautical flag signaling.
Dwight, you will be participating.
No, thank you. Participation is mandatory, Dwight.
But you can choose whatever cause you like.
Fine! I choose the Global Relief Foundation...
Great. Thank you... which was recently discovered
to be a front for the Taliban.
Oh, for goodness sake, Dwight!
Yeah, the Taliban in Af-a-ghanistan!
The Taliban is the worst.
Great heroin, though.
Dwight, I cannot have the Taliban on the roster of Operation Giveback.
Well, then it looks like there won't be any Operation Giveback.
The nanny state is over, ladies and gentlemen! You're welcome.
There he is.
Is it almost time to cut the pancake or what?
Oh, yeah, we appreciate everyone coming out so early. It's...
Everyone's just been so nice.
Thanks for inviting us, by the way. That was...
Are you kidding? That was a surprise.
Come on, if it wasn't for you, I never would have met Lara.
I mean, seriously, I kind of dodged a bullet on that one.
I'm just kidding. You're welcome.
Thanks.
Oh.
By the way, man, this place is beautiful.
I started a gravel company. I mean, who knew it would take off?
Gravel company.
Yeah. What about you? What are you doing?
Not gravel, obviously.
No, things are good. Things are good.
Got some stuff in the works, so...
Oh, cool. Yeah, you never know.
Hey, bro. Stop wasting time with this haircut.
He's got a $50,000 sports car.
Cheers! Yeah, okay, Ken.
Duncan, listen! I would love to help you out,
but where am I going to find somebody
that is pretty, smart and well-informed, huh?
Hold on, hold on! Erin, do you know anybody that might...
Oh, my gosh.
You love the news, right?
Well, it depends.
I mean, sometimes I find out things that are really sad.
Well, I've got a buddy that's a big-time local news producer.
I can't tell you his name, but it'd blow your mind.
Uh, is it Duncan?
He's looking for on-air talent,
and he'd kill me if I didn't get you on tape.
You mean, put me on the news?
You'll just come over, put on a little lipstick, loosen up
with a glass of red wine and then
we'll just run through a few stories.
You know, a couple of different ways in a couple of different outfits.
It'd be really tasteful and it'd really help out with...
With my friend.
What do you say? Huh?
- Well, maybe, okay? Let me think about it. - Okay.
Think it over.
No, Clark's not my friend.
He is the douche that sits next to me at the office.
My friends are Scott, Glen and Rob, but you don't know them.
I never really thought much about being more than a receptionist, but why?
Because I happened to answer a Help Wanted ad to be a receptionist?
I mean, what if the ad had been for a CEO or for a brain surgeon?
So, uh, it was a year ago today that I met Lara.
I thought she was my waitress,
and, uh, it took her three weeks to tell me
that she actually owned the place.
You are full of surprises.
You are my beautiful mystery girl.
And today, I have a surprise for you.
He plays the piano?
No. Roy? No.
You know how I said I was taking boxing lessons?
Actually I was doing this.
Um, so, I hope that you like it.
You got this, Roy!
She's got a way about her
I don't know what it is
But I know that I can't live without her
She's got a way
We still surprise each other.
Definitely.
You know, I never did it, but for your 30th birthday,
I really wanted to surprise you with...
Court-side seats. Sixers.
Yes. But what I didn't tell you was that I actually bought the tickets.
We only didn't go because...
it was an away game.
In Phoenix. They should really tell you that more specifically.
I mean, every game is an away game for one of the teams.
Do we know everything about each other?
No.
Tell me one thing about you I don't know.
Uh... Um...
Okay-
Oh.
Here's one. Did I ever tell you about the time
that my brothers videotaped the lottery announcement
and bought the winning numbers the next day,
and then played the tape for me the next week...
And you thought you guys were millionaires.
You heard that one. Yes.
But there's... Wait!
Oh, there's a funny ending to that story, I can't remember.
That I thought we were millionaires.
That you thought you were millionaires.
Yeah. That's funny.
Shoot! I knew that one. That's all right.
The Senator and I still have mystery.
I'm always waiting to see what he's going to surprise me with next.
You all right?
You support the Taliban abroad,
so I assume you're willing to live by their rules here.
Anything else would be inconsistent.
Will you join me then in a pledge to live by Taliban law in this office?
Absolutely, I will.
I feared Nellie had some sort of a plan.
But she used a ridiculous font.
You don't have a plan.
When you use a ridiculous font, no one thinks you have a plan.
Looking for this?
What the...
Oh, this is a lovely pen. And it's mine now because I stole it.
Give me that!
Didn't we sign a contract
to live under Taliban law?
Now there's been a theft.
That means you're not serious or someone's getting their hand cut off.
You're insane.
I know, so it's better that you pick another charity.
Oh, and let your precious Operation Powergrab proceed unchecked?
No, thank you.
Inthatcase, you
will have to chop off my hand.
This cleaver appears to need sharpening.
I suggest you spend some quality time together, just you and your hand.
Tie a shoe. Toss a salad.
Do any of the two-hand activities that you'll miss the most.
I tell you what, I need to make three calls,
and then after that you can become a person who chops off people's hands.
Sounds like a plan.
Clark wants to film you in different outfits inside his apartment?
Yeah.
Clark! You and I need to have a little chat.
What clothes does Erin need for this news audition?
Uh...
A couple of button-downs, a camisole, a blazer,
a pencil skirt, stilettos, maybe...
No, not maybe, definitely open-toed.
Uh, something low-cut because the camera makes everything seem higher cut.
Really? Yeah. Industry secret.
You're going to want some of those pantyhose with the seam up the back.
Seems unnecessary for an audition.
And then, you know, maybe just a robe to wear in between takes,
but I probably got one that she could borrow at my place, so...
Thank God someone here knows what they're talking about.
I want you to take this credit card,
take Erin to the mall and get that stuff.
I absolutely will do that.
Awesome. Plop!
Guess I'll just head over to the mall, then.
Buy Erin some sexy fun outfits.
That Clark, huh?
Next question for our oldy-weds?
What's the craziest place you ever made whoopee?
Language!
Who was Pam's first celebrity crush?
That's good. Okay.
Pam's first celebrity crush. John Stamos.
Ready? Uh-huh.
John Stamos.
Oh. Yes!
But John Stamos was temporary.
I quickly moved on to Johnny Depp.
Johnny DePP-
Sorry, I was having a separate conversation with Kevin.
Uh...
Johnny Depp. Totally.
George Clooney.
Okay, I have one. I have one.
What is your warning... KEVIN: What is the craziest place
you ever made whoopee? Hey!
Kevin, stop it with that question.
Right? And did you show them the market? Yeah?
And what did they say?
That's awesome!
That... Oh, my God! Wow!
It's not even real yet.
And I'm not going to tell her until it's real.
I think maybe there actually is something I don't know about Jim.
Everyone, we have a voluntary meeting in the conference room
to discuss Erin's confidence.
Her body. We're going to talk about her body.
Good. Great job.
Andy made me his consigliere, which means assistant regional manager.
I guess he thought I would be into The Godfather because I'm black.
Wrong.
I'm into The Godfather because I'm a cinephile.
I like Scarf ace because I'm black.
Erin has an audition to be a newscaster.
- Whoo! - Yeah!
Uh-huh.
And I want her to feel very comfortable in her very sexy skin.
So, everybody say something that you like about her body. All right?
Darryl?
Okay. Um, I like Erin's hair. It's a very pretty color.
Yeah, right?
I'm sorry, this is for a news audition?
Yeah.
Then why are we talking about her looks?
Why not her credibility or her reliability?
Newsflash, everyone, the human race
finds attractive people more trustworthy.
So sorry, Andy, but for 20 years, the most trusted man in America?
Walter Cronkite.
Cronkite was hot!
If I could go back in time, I'd take that moustache ride.
Does Erin have any experience?
Has she taken any journalism classes maybe?
Has she done the pageant circuit?
No, I watch the news.
She's going to be amazing. Look at her.
She's going to light up the screen!
This is a first for me.
And I don't get a lot of chances,
so I have to take them really seriously.
I will do whatever it takes to get the job.
Whatever it takes. Yeah, I know. I heard.
This is it.
Any questions? Is it going to be long?
No, it's going to be over before you know it. Mmm-hmm.
Afghan President Hamid Karzai
declared a new policy of "Dollar Days" throughout the country,
promising low, low prices on all 2012 Kia Sentras and Sonatas.
"Aren't you glad you waited?" Karzai commented.
Um, where did you get that story?
A little bit here, a little bit there.
I bet you didn't think I knew current events.
I love it. It's fantastic. Now tag it with your name.
For Channel Eleven News, I'm Erin Hannon.
Pause after "news."
For Channel Eleven News, I'm Erin Hannon.
No, pauselongen
That was a good one.
Pause... Pause longer, okay? It builds suspense. Don't be shy.
Got it.
For Channel Eleven News...
It's... Okay, all right. I'm Erin Hannon.
Great.
Some great stuff in there.
I can feel you looking at me.
Okay. Well, here's something you don't know.
A couple of weeks ago... Mmm-hmm.
...I ran into this guy from my high school
who has just gotten divorced,
and he hit on me in the mall.
And I didn't tell you because,
I don't know, I felt embarrassed,
and I didn't know if you'd be mad, or worried.
But anyway, I thought you'd want to know.
That didn't happen.
You would have told me right away.
Yeah, I would have.
What about you? Come on, there's got to be something.
Between your birth and the last two days,
something you just haven't had the chance to tell me.
Uh...
Just tell me.
God, give it up, Beesly. You know me too well.
- Hey. - Hey.
Urn, I knew something bothered me, and I finally figured it out.
What news producers are going to want to see is how Erin relates
to the other people on the news team. Oh.
The weird thing is that Erin is doing the audition alone.
Oh, God. Now, I'd say Clark could be your co-host,
but he's already doing camera.
Somebody who's already got rapport with Erin maybe?
I don't know.
This is for real this time.
It's getting late. I thought you guys could use a little inspiration.
Oh, a movie. What is this?
127 Hours. It's about this guy who goes...
No, no, no! No spoilers, please.
My bad. You're right. No.
Okay. Good night.
- Hey! - Hey!
Everybody. Yeah.
Come in. Come on in. All right.
Nice.
What are you doing here?
Oh, sorry, man. Andy thought Erin needed a co-anchor.
I'm his makeup guy. My hands are tied.
The victim was released from the hospital with second degree burns.
Wow.
You know what they say, Erin, if you can't take the heat,
get out of the kitchen.
Well, he tried to, but the fire door was blocked.
He sure did.
All right, we got that.
That's a wrap, everybody.
Oh. I just... You sure, Clark?
Yup, she's done.
No, I just... I don't mean Erin. I mean for me.
I didn't feel good about that.
No, no. We got it. We got it.
Great. Let's get some food. I'm starving.
I don't think we did get it. I could do a couple more takes.
We could do it in a close-up. That might even be better for editing.
Okay, I don't.
All right.
I'm hungry.
Uh...
Pete, you want to take Erin to get a burger or something?
- Yeah, whatever you say, boss. - Okay.
- I'll call you later. - Okay.
Okay. So this is a single.
Hey, even if this doesn't work out for me, I'm just glad I had the guts to do it.
And maybe it will work out for Andy.
Oh, God! Yeah. That is absolutely revolting!
He is so good, though. Yes.
The way he just cuts off his arm.
If you like James Franco, we really should watch
Rise of the Planet of the Apes.
Well, he's a genius, you know?
He was in graduate programs at Yale, Columbia, and NYU all at the same time.
Whoop-de-do. That doesn't make you a genius.
Well, it doesn't make you stupid.
Well, yeah, it does actually. It makes you real stupid.
Stupid like you. No, like you!
Like you! You're the stupid one.
You're the stupid one. You're the stupid one.
You. You. You. You. You. You. You're the stupid one.