The Office (2005–2013): Season 9, Episode 14 - Vandalism - full transcript

Have you seen Darryl?
He's around here somewhere.
Hmm.
Yeah, Darryl's here.
So's Santa Claus. It's just a regular Thursday.
Neither guy is here! And it's Friday!
Welcome to me and Darryl's world of lies!
Nobody knows it yet, but Darryl already started working in Philly.
So now he has to sneak out of here like the
sneakiest little sneaky-sneak you ever saw.
And I'm his helper! It's so fun.
Darryl, meet Bear-yl.
How much did you pay for that?
Nothing. Won him at the carnival.
Spent a ton on tickets, though.
Drive safe!
Everybody knows I go to Philly.
I've just been using sick days I saved up.
But Erin was so excited about being sneaky-sneaks, I went along with it.
Darryl, you are too much!
That guy's hilarious. He's here today.
I've really been putting in the hours on this mural.
And my boss is totally okay with it, because he's in the Bahamas
and has no clue what anybody is doing.
I'm usually very self-critical. I hate what I paint,
but I don't know, this time I feel like it's, um...
It's really coming together. Oh, my God!
You've got to be kidding me!
What is... Are those... Are those butts?
Huh?
No way. No way!
Excuse me, everyone. Is it okay if I leave early from work today?
It's Phillip's first birthday, and the Senator
and I are hosting a party at our house.
Oh, cute! So there'll be a bunch of kids?
No, no children. Our house is not kid-friendly.
Most of our furniture is sharp.
Also, ew.
It will mostly be campaign donors.
Angela, lam prepared to donate a whopping
$8 to Lipton For America to have an invitation...
No, no. Please.
You know, actually, none of you
could even really make the cut for this thing.
Which I am so sad about!
Angela. You're going to find out, so I thought I'd let you know
that, uh, Robert invited me, too.
What?
He said he wanted me there for support.
I'm...
His wife.
Angela's husband and I are in love.
Butas a politician in this town,
you still need the conventional blonde wife on your lawn signs.
He is risking everything to have me there today.
Me!
We agreed that you wouldn't be seen with him in public.
It's humiliating for me.
Well, if you get to bring a stud, maybe I do, too.
Hey- Hey-
We are splitting a sublet on a place near Philly.
Just a couple of grown, sexy-ass roommates.
And as much as I miss Pam and the kids,
it's, uh, kind of nice to live the bachelor life again. You know? Let your hair down?
Jim was nice enough to give me his bedroom...
I'm couching it!
...which usually means there are clothes all over the living room.
And this dude labels his food.
He's the clean one, I'm the messy one. How much fun is this?
I love Jim. I love that he hooked me up with a job.
It's just, he uses old T-shirts as washrags.
He doesn't wash his dishes. Apparently they need to "soak."
He hooked me up with a job.
Attention, everyone! Can I have your attention, please?
Yeah, I don't know everybody's name down here,
but whoever did this, will you please raise your hand?
Hello? This is not over, okay?
I will stay up here all day if I have to. Is that what you want?
Yeah, I will also come down if I want to. It's my choice.
PAM". I don't demand justice often.
I'm not like Angela, who calls a lawyer
every time someone watches a YouTube video of animals doing it.
But someone should get fired over this, right?
Val's no help. Andy's gone. Jim's out.
I just feel like I'm on my own here.
I mean, okay, not completely on my own,
but in terms of people who can do something.
Thank you, Brian.
Hey, so, Wade wants to send people to the Sloan Conference.
We got to compile a list of our target clients.
Already on it. I ordered them by their Google Trend rankings,
so we know who to hit first.
Who is this guy?
We are killing it.
Yes, sir! Yeah!
Conference room. Everybody. Now!
You don't have the clearance to call a conference-room meeting.
Yes, but David Wallace does,
and he asked me to gather everyone to talk about stuff
that's gonna be revealed once we're in the conference room for the meeting.
You're telling me David Wallace asked you
to call a super-secret, classified conference-room meeting?
Yeah.
Let's go, everyone! Super-secret,
classified conference-room meeting! Now!
Let's go.
I have terrible news.
Somebody defaced my mural. What?
They painted all over it.
I thought that's what you were doing.
Yeah, but this is different. Oh.
They used worse paint than your paint?
I don't think so. But they put paint
where I didn't want paint. So...
I thought you wanted paint on the whole thing.
Different colored paint.
I wanted different colored paint
in the spots where they put their paint.
So, it just is... Okay, the point is,
these warehouse guys are vandals,
and they need to be stopped.
Yeah, and somebody had the balls
to put my phone number on the men's room wall, which is so messed up.
It's 6-7-8-2, not 8-3!
Uh, 6-7-8-3 is also a good time. Less mileage.
Pam, what can be done?
Yes. Thank you! Let's answer that question.
I was politely saying nothing can be done. I thought I was clear.
What? Come on, guys! We need to
figure out who did this and punish them!
This isn'tjust about me, this is about all of us. This is our mural!
Don't you see how much we worked on this? How much time and energy?
We put our heart and soul into this thing.
David Wallace called this meeting?
Sure did.
I was as surprised as you, but apparently
he is very passionate about public art.
No, no, come on, guys! Don%go!
Pam? I'll help you.
You Will?
If there's anything I hate worse than art, it's crime.
Thank you. lam in too, Pam.
Yeah? Yes, of course!
I believe in you, I believe in your art,
and I am bored.
Great!
I was hoping for a righteous mob.
I ended up with Dwight and Nellie.
But they both have a mob mentality.
And I'm pretty sure Dwight has a pitchfork in his car.
You need my pitchfork?
Hey-
What is it? I have vengeance to exact.
Exciting news. There's room for one more at my son's birthday event,
and I want you.
Ah! I'm not interested.
Wait, wait! The State Transportation Secretary will be there.
You could sell your beet-salt idea to the highway people. Ah!
If I get the de-icing gig, it's going to be
on merit, not because I played politics.
Hey. So, a little birdie just told me that
Dwight can't come to your son's birthday.
So, do you want me to go with you? No.
Okay, I understand. I'll just stay here, then,
alone with the money.
Oh, crap.
I am handing out pieces of paper
on which you will draw one human butt. What I do with said drawings
is no one's business but my own.
You're going to compare them to the butts up there.
Incorrect. it is my fetish. Oh, also, sign them.
My fetish is signed drawings of butts.
I'm not drawing a butt.
All right, then, no bottoms.
Uh... We should ask you to do big rounded W's.
Yes, or nippleless breasts, perhaps.
Okay. Okay, I think it's time to get back to work. Come on, fellas. Let's go.
Or melons, like cantaloupes,
with, like, the halves are cut off
and then just the bottom parts...
Well, this is getting us nowhere.
We need another approach. We need to find the weakest one
and separate him from the group.
Yeah, I think if we could get Nate alone, we could crack him.
We just need a pretense to talk to him.
We could tell him that his mother is dying.
That usually works on him.
Nate!
Your mother is dying!
See? I feel bad about that. Good. That's all right, that's all right.
So she's going to pull through again?
That's great. Can I talk to her?
No. She needs her rest again.
Now, listen. Now that we've got you here,
let's talk about this mural business.
You know who the vandal is.
Now, I know a lot of these warehouse guys are your friends,
but we've got chewing gum.
Gum's gotten mintier lately, have you noticed?
Like, some of it is just too minty.
It's like they're literally trying to hurt your mouth.
Tell us who defaced the mural!
He did it.
All right, you can go. Give him his gum.
There's no gum. There never was any gum!
That's really rude.
Opening with puff pastries? That's a bold play.
They're saying, "it's only going to get better from here? Good luck."
That painting is just...
How can anyone that weighs less than a guinea hen be so terrifying?
Ladies and gentlemen, Senator and Angela Lipton.
Thanks, everybody, thanks for coming.
Phillip had no idea he was so popular.
Oh, Robert, you're horrible.
Simon, Maxine, who let you guys in here?
This is the team.
Nice job, man.
You too, Darryl.
What?
Oh, man. I'm sorry about that.
It's cool. Reading is tricky sometimes.
Oh, are you really mad about this?
That's my go-to thermos, that's all. Oh, it's your go-to...
Oh, man, that's a bummer. I'm sorry about that.
No big deal, no big deal.
No, if it's a big deal, it's a big deal.
No, no, no. No big deal.
No, no, no, no, no! You don't have to do that!
Honestly, I don't mind.
Did want me to wash it for you, or...
I don't know. Are you going to wash it,
or you gonna let it soak?
Okay-
Here you go.
Thank you!
So, Frank, do you have any thoughts, about what was done? By you.
Maybe... Maybe I could get the ball rolling. Mmm-hmm.
Um, Frank?
Hi. Pam.
Um, lam so sorry if I've done anything to offend you.
I'm sure it isn't easy for you guys
to have an upstairs person coming down in yourspace, so“.
Truly, if... I apologize.
But enough about me. Your turn.
Insert apology here, Frank?
I'm sorry I didn't like your crappy doodles.
I drew a butt. Big deal. Butts are funny.
Well, I didn't think that butt was funny.
Well, maybe if you got the stick out of yours...
What was that? You know what?
You people can't fire me, so screw you.
Whoa! Hey! That is not okay!
What are you going to do about that?
It... Compliment.
The first "sorry" sounded sincere.
There were two or three sorrys in there. So it's a lot.
Thatsucked. He didn't apologize.
There's no talking to that guy.
Oh, your little feelings party didn't work out, huh?
Who won the hugging contest? No, let me guess. Everyone tied for first.
We should just take him down.
Wait, are you saying...
I'm saying we should go scorched-earth on that guy's face.
Normally, I find Pam to be a comforting
if unarousing presence around the office,
like a well-watered fern.
But today, she has tapped into this vengeful,
violent side, and I'm like, "Wow,
"Pam has kind of a good butt!"
He messed with something that was important to you.
We need to mess with something that's important to him.
A little eye-for-an-eye action. Yes! Yes!
Go all Hammurabi on this clown.
We need an infiltrator.
I know just the man for the job.
Clark?
He even looks like a mole.
One of his tee shots can wipe out a whole owl population.
You two seem very close.
Yes, we're good friends. Good friends. Yeah.
And I suppose that may ruffle a few feathers.
Because for a long time, our party
has turned its back on the Hispanic people.
Well, that is not who I am. lam a friend of the Latino community.
And if you ask me, it's time we bid bigotry hasta luego.
Now, does my embrace of Hispanics make me
more electable, given demographic trends?
I don't know, and I don't care.
What I care about is Oscar.
My friend, mi amigo, Oscar.
Maybe I should be insulted that he only invited me here
to be his token Mexican friend,
but he could have invited any number of Hispanics that he knows.
His gardener, Rohelio, or he could have invited...
Rohelio,
but he chose me.
Rohelio's Malaysian.
That son of a bitch is Malaysian.
Oh, hey. Hey.
Hey, I usually watch TV during my lunch break. That's cool?
Yeah, totally. All right.
It's mine, don't worry.
I didn't say anything.
I don't think you had to.
Excuse me?
I think you might be going a little crazy with this labeling thing, man.
I mean, you put your name on a five-pound bag of flour.
Are you honestly saying that if I needed flour, I couldn't use that?
What do you need flour for, Jim?
That's not the point.
What, you making bread? No, I'm not making bread.
What bread you making? Pumpernickel?
Darryl, it doesn't matter. Darryl! I think you know
the point I'm trying to make!
All right, I'm being ajerk.
You got me this job. I should be grateful.
I am, I just... You know, I get a little finicky about my stuff. That's all.
It's all good. Are we all good?
We good.
What's that cooler?
Nothing. It's mine.
What happened to my Tavis Smileys?
Oh, crap, were those yours?
I never want to see you working
in the upstairs office again! Do you hear me?
But my only crime was loving the local sports teams
and trying to be one of the guys!
Silence! You will now be working in the warehouse
with the untouchables.
Now, go make your hands rough with work!
Okay, boss!
Pam, you know this is ridiculous, right? Okay.
You're smarter than this.
This is never going to work!
Remember your lines.
What lines? Go move some paper!
Hey, you know that guy Frank who works in the warehouse?
He's not my hire, but I know who he is.
Okay, what is he like? What's important to him?
Does he have, like, a favorite pair of boots, or a lunch box, or...
What, is he retiring? You getting him a gift or something?
Yeah, something like that.
I know he loves his pickup truck.
Oh, great! His truck!
Great, get the plate number. Okay, do you know the plate...
Never mind. Why would you know that?
And why would I be asking that?
So we know which truck to...
Hey, while I got you on the phone,
your husband is like a sloppy homeless hobo. Can you fix that?
Yeah, I was kind of hoping you could. I got to go, bye.
Come on.
Hold on a second. Uh, Sundeep, let's get you closer to the Senator.
Just about there. Great.
And Oscar, I'm going to need you to step
a little closer to the Senator as well.
Somewhere there. He's blocking me.
It's only a photo, honey.
Excuse me, what's your name?
Shawn. Lashawn, great.
You want to be in a photo? Right this way. Not you.
No, he put me here.
He put you right in front of me? Yes, he did.
He put you right in front of me? Yes!
Now, let's just wheel Margaret right in front here. Ow!
Oscar. Angela. Robert...
Smile!
I'm done. What are you...
lsthatsupposed to be my mural?
Yeah. Frank draws a butt on your mural,
I'm drawing your mural on Frank's truck's butt.
Eye for an eye, mamacita.
Oh, Dwight, that's really sweet.
Let's see yours. Oh, no, I'm embarrassed. It's stupid.
This is amazing! That's Frank!
And he's leaving a trail of poops?
Yeah. And he has saggy boobs.
Yeah, I saw that. That's great!
I feel better.
Good, I'm glad you feel better.
This has been a wonderful day. I have to say,
I like hanging out with a vengeful bitch.
I know. You miss Angela, don't you?
Don't sympathize. You're ruining the mood. Back to work!
Draw his penis!
I got back at Frank in the most fitting way possible.
With my art.
You know, the paints are water-based,
it's going to come off with a hose,
but I think the lesson will last a...
Lady!
My truck? You had no right!
No, you had no right!
It's a $40,000 truck!
So? You started it!
So? So somebody needs to shut you up!
BRIA . N. Hey, hey, hey! Ah!
Whoa!
- Easy! - Son of a bitch!
Guys!
You're going to hit a woman?
Thanks so much for coming.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Well!
Have we all calmed down yet?
Yes. Sorry about that.
It was all my fault.
Let's all try to do better next time.
Kevin, great to see you.
Yeah. Thank you for the food.
Oh, and also,
you suck.
I beg your pardon?
You're, like, a terrible person.
These guys care about you, and you're just using them.
Again, the food was very good.
Well, I'm going to say something to the producers.
No, no. It's... You shouldn't be fired.
I mean, you were just protecting me.
It's all good. I knew what I was doing. It's...
I'm sorry about your mural, though. I mean, because...
Oh, no. You put so much into that.
Forget about my mural. It's stupid.
No, you worked hard on that.
That guy's an animal. I'm glad they're firing him, too.
This is crazy.
Brian, I'm so sorry.
Look“.
I don't... I don't want to put myself where I don't belong.
If you ever need me, you just call me and I'll be there for you.
Thanks, Bflan.
See you.
Wow. This whole Philly thing has been so much fun
that I may have lost sight of what really matters.
I mean, having fun is not nearly as important
as being good to the people who you really care about.
I mean, that's just Roommates 101.
Oh! Come on! Oh!
Oh! Damn!
"You Win!"
How good did that feel? That felt really good, actually.