The Office (2005–2013): Season 9, Episode 10 - Lice - full transcript

To me, the Sixers are a five seed, tops.
I think they're going to the conference finals.
Bynum, obvious monster, three-point shooting, don't even...
I bit my lip at lunch today.
Sucks.
Anyway, I just don't see it. The Knicks are tough.
The Nets are tough.
The Nets are super tough.
And now I have this big bump on my lip that hurts!
I hate it.
The Hawks are terrible.
They're always terrible.
Okay, you need to think about it before you come with the...
Whatever. It's not a big deal.
You know, I always tell my three-year-old,
if this is the worst thing that's going to happen...
You got to be kidding me!
Okay, Pam! That's it! I'm going home!
Morning, Meredith!
What?
Sorry, Pam.
Yikes.
Jim's been spending a few days a week in Philly,
and I'm not going to lie, it's been challenging.
Yesterday, things took a turn for the worse.
I found out Cece has lice.
So, I was up all night
disinfecting every sheet, towel, toy,
item of clothing in the entire house.
I'm exhausted.
But don't tell Jim.
He has a huge meeting today.
Under a lot of pressure,
and he's doing it all for the family.
I am meeting Dr. J today, otherwise known as Julius Erving,
famed 76er and my own personal hero.
But I have to be careful not to rub it in Pam's face,
because let's be honest.
How would I feel if I was at home, stuck with the kids
while she was go-karting with John Stamos?
You sound tired. Everything okay?
Great! Everything's great!
Hey, are you nervous about your big meeting?
Little bit. It's a lot of pressure, you know?
But that's what I signed up for, right?
Jim, the limo's here.
You know what? I've got to hop off, because my taxi is here
to take me to the meeting.
Call me later. Okay.
Good luck! Thanks.
I love you. Love you, too. Bye.
How you doing? I'm okay.
I mean, it's what you want, so...
It's how it has to be.
I know, I know.
It's just hard.
Me and Val were going nowhere,
and if I'm going to be working in Philly,
I'm going to need my freedom.
So I convinced Val to break up with me.
Here's how you do it.
You say, "What are you going to do, break up with me?"
Like, as a joke
and then you gain a lot of weight.
I'll never be sorry. Not for a moment of it.
Me neither.
Hey, Meredith, I need your supply requests today.
Jesus H. in the morning, will you stop your nagging already?
No wonder Jim left you.
He didn't leave me. He just went part-time.
Can you just fill out the form, please?
Yes.
I'm sure she's just confused.
People scratch their heads when they're confused.
Not always like an ape, the way Meredith just did, but it happens.
Hurry up already.
Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
Between the foster homes and the orphanage, I had lice 22 times.
Holy wow, that's a big one.
All right, pencils down, everyone, we've got lice!
God, Meredith! Lice? Did you not sign a pledge to shower?
What? Lice?
Oh, my God.
Lock the doors, we are on full quarantine!
Dwight, relax! It's just lice. Maybe. Possibly.
Just lice, Pam?
Of all the vermin in God's great green kingdom,
lice are the ones I detest the most.
My first day of school, I had lice and no one would play with me.
For 15 years, they called me freak,
and four-eyes, and sci-fi nerd and girl puncher,
all because I had lice when I was seven.
Make way. No, inspect me. Dwight!
This is the cleanest scalp I've ever seen. You are all clear.
I should be. I use lice shampoo every morning.
Hey! Stop that!
Dwight!
Next.
Geez, Meredith! This is an office,
it's not one of your beanbag orgies.
Let's give her a break.
We don't know for sure this is Meredith's fault.
Pam, really? Come on.
Well, what do you want? I know who I am.
Nobody's taking Meredith Palmer
to the opera to meet the Queen.
Lice! More lice.
Angela has lice.
Ew!
Ooh! Yabber. Lice!
Yikers, lice.
No!
How? I'm so clean.
Yeah, big time lice. Ah!
I wash my hands at least six times a day. Toilet seat covers?
Yes, thank you, even when I pee.
Apparently none of that is protection enough,
not when it comes to Meredith.
Oh!
Hey, what are you wearing?
It's a hazmat suit. That stands for hazardous materials...
Men's suit wearing.
If you rent more than four times a year, it just makes sense to buy.
ls there anyone else here that is lice free?
Excellent! You have your own hazmat suits?
No. No.
Renters.
Okay, I'm going to need you to gather your belongings,
retreat to the warehouse,
conduct your business there
until the infected have been de-loused.
Let's get going. I'm going to stay here and fight.
If you don't hear from me by lunch, call me.
I might want lunch.
All right, we're going down to my warehouse.
That means we're playing by my rules.
No messing with the baler.
And be cool in front of me and Val, we just broke up.
You got dumped?
Yeah, she ended things.
Break-ups are the worst.
The only thing that got me through mine
was large amounts of shepherd's pie
and Brandy, the singer, not the drink.
Here, man. You need that more than me.
Thanks, man. Yeah.
Guys, I think we should all ease up on Meredith.
This has got to be hard for her.
No, no, no, no. I have not yet begun to shame.
That's it! I'm getting my stuff. I'm leaving for the day.
No! Stanley!
If you leave now, then you'll get it in your car
and then you'll get it in your house!
Get off me!
I'm trying to save you from yourself!
All right, I'll stay!
There's a pencil poking into my rolls.
PAM". Maybe it was Meredith.
Maybe she brought in lice that are totally different
than the lice that I got from Cece.
So, let's notjump to the simplest conclusion that she got her lice from me!
That is how wars get started.
Fine, I'll tell her it was me.
Oh, man! That's fresh squeezed!
And are all the snacks complimentary?
Yeah. Take some home if you want.
No, that's okay. I'm...
I'm sorry, is this the conference center?
No, Mr. Erving called, said he'd rather meet you at his private court.
You've got to be kidding me.
Hey, Meredith, I need to tell you some... Yeah, Pam? What do you want?
Oh, my God! Meredith. What are you doing?
Baking a cake. What does it look like I'm doing?
Getting rid of the lice. Stop!
I'm so sorry!
Can you hold that thought?
That's my wax. You know, I think
these critters migrated from down south.
What were you saying?
Nothing.
I'm going to tell her. But now is clearly not the time.
I will buy her a wig, we'll have a few laughs.
There's a right way to do this.
Scalp leeches. Skull vampires. Follicle gypsies.
Hair lawyers.
One thing is clear, it's kill or be killed!
No, no, no. It's more of a nuisance, really. It's not that big a deal.
So, I've collected your hats and your coats...
To be burned!
To be washed.
What do we do about our heads'?
I'm not going to lie. Lye!
No. All we need is mayonnaise.
Excuse me?
She's right, it works.
I would imagine.
Yes, it helps to suffocate the little buddies.
And it's a really healthy alternative to
the chemicals found in most lice shampoos.
I can appreciate that.
I also only eat local, organic produce.
Sha-boom!
How you like me now?
Take a picture, it'll last longer.
We don't want it to last longer. It's horrible.
Bald people make me sick.
Yeah, yeah, everybody pile on Meredith.
But I'm the only one with the balls to show them lice who's boss.
Okay, nobody panic!
If everybody just follows my instructions,
then nobody else needs to end up bald.
Not that it looks bad, Meredith! It looks... It looks awesome!
You look like a baby who suddenly aged 50 years.
A cute baby!
But something sucked the life force out of it.
I'm so sorry. We need mayonnaise. We need it now.
I'll go. It's not a big deal.
Please. No, Meredith, can I get you
something special while I'm at the store?
Candy, or one of those stylish turbans?
Thanks, Pam. I'll take a pack of Nicorette gum and a pack of Kools.
Okay-
Let's talk pubes, people.
Hey, Darryl.
Hey, Val.
That was tragic.
That was like a car crash, I couldn't look away.
You two still clearly have feelings for each other.
Yeah.
What's going to make you feel better, big guy?
When I was a kid, my grandmother used to make me chocolate cake
when I wasn't feeling good.
She's not around to do that anymore.
I'm sorry, I just need a moment to myself to clear my head.
Poor Darryl. I can't bear to see him suffer like this.
I think he needs some hugs
and maybe some chocolate cake.
This won't help him, it's a muffin. Not cake.
Listen, let's try to get Darryl the one thing in the world
he clearly wants and needs the most.
An Escalade.
Or, what's-her-name?
Val.
Let's get Darryl Val.
I hope you don't mind me bringing you out here.
I can't get my knees under a desk.
Are you kidding me? I could literally scalp tickets to this.
Well, you think you can sink one from deep?
Listen, I don't mean to intimidate you,
but I did play a little high school ball.
Okay-
Wow!
Halpert's got game!
All right. Sorry.
I'm so sorry, this is my wife. Can I take this?
If it's your wife, you better take it.
Right?
Hey, what's up? Everything okay?
Oh, no, everything's great!
I was just calling to see how the meeting went.
It's still happening right now, actually. So...
He's really making you work for it, huh?
Yes, it is very stressful. Are you sure everything's okay?
Great. lam killing it over here.
Jim, I've got to go. Okay, bye.
So sorry about that.
No problem. Hey, Jim, what size do you wear, man?
I got a pair of Japanese Nikes with your name on them.
What do you think? I love it!
Once it's all over your head, just leave it there for four hours.
That will be enough time for the lice to fall asleep,
suffocate and then pass away.
Sure.
And when you're ready to get serious,
come to me to get it done right.
Put those away before you hurt yourself.
Oh, God! No.
No! No!
No! No! No!
No! No!
Okay, it's easier with a buddy, so everybody pair up.
Oscar, you want to be my partner?
Yeah. Yeah, sure. Pdloveto.
Hey, mayo buddy, $5 tip if you unclog my ears. Okay?
Oh...
Creed, I'm so sorry. I'm already partners with Pete. Right, Pete?
Uh... Yeah. We promised each other if we ever got lice, we'd buddy up,
so, sorry, man.
Hey, Creed. You want to be my buddy?
Oh, God. Stuck with the weirdo.
Angela! You don't want bugs, you know?
Who knows where those bugs will end up?
You're getting a bargain. I ain't got no hair no more.
Creed.
I'm all done. My turn.
I'm sorry, Pam. It looks a little messy.
Wait.
How's that?
I feel it working.
Eiffel Tower!
Can I help you?
Well, we don't want to pry, but we heard you broke up with Darryl.
Yeah, that's true.
We think you made a big, big mistake.
Big mistake.
Quite enormous.
He's a real catch and you should take him back.
Okay, thank you. Is that all?
No. No, that is not all!
Let me tell you what real life is like.
The men dry up and the nights get lonely.
The only calls on your machine are from collection agencies
about that pair of motorcycle boots you've never even worn.
You stalk your old high-school boyfriend online,
go to his daughter's soccer games and make a scene.
You buy a diamond ring for yourself,
wear it on your right hand and tell yourself you're all you need.
One day you're alone, tired, at your feet, a dying bird.
Where did it come from? Why did you kill it?
Is it because, in some strange way, it is you?
Thank you all for your concern,
but I'm going to have to ask you toleave, okay?
So does this mean you're going to take Darryl back?
No.
Well, then, what would you say to you and me hitting the town,
because I'm free literally forever.
Yeah, Kevin asked me out.
I was kind of feeling good about re-entering the dating pool,
and then Kevin asked me out.
Thought I might trade up to a new level of man.
Then Kevin asked me out.
Hello?
Hi, honey, it's Mom.
Look, Gene's school just called. She still has lice!
What, no. That can't... I don't...
Don't worry, don't worry, I'm on my way to pick her up.
But you might have lice, too. Lice can be tricky. Sometimes lice...
Oh, my God.
Shave her head!
You guys, I'm so sorry.
It's just been so chaotic with Jim gone that I...
Yeah, yeah. Princess Fancy Pants,
letting Jane Twelve Pack over here take the fall.
She's right, Pam.
ls there a volume knob on that thing?
Yes, there's a volume knob on that thing!
Meredith, I am so sorry.
Well, a lot of good your sorries are doing her now, Pam.
She's a monster.
I meant to say something earlier, I just...
Just, just what?
Just forgot?
Who's the one that didn't bring lice into the office?
Meredith.
Sure I gave everybody pink eye once,
and my ex keyed a few of their cars.
And yeah, I BM'ed in the shredder on New Year's.
But I didn't bring the lice in. That was all Pam.
Attention, people of the office.
You have exactly 60 seconds to evacuate the bullpen.
At that time
I will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade,
which contains piperonyl butoxide, as well as...
Dwight? Are you okay?
Whoa...
That butoxide has a mild hallucinogenic effect,
but I don't think it's kicked in yet.
I'm going to count down from 10.
Nine, yellow,
cold, sad, purple...
Wow. He got to purple.
Ow!
Sorry.
You're waterboarding me!
Oops.
No, this is fine. We're allowed to do this.
This is okay.
Okay, you're UP!
Yeah, I'm actually kind of sad to see this baby go.
You do kind of look like Elvis.
But we should probably wash all the dead lice out.
Okay. Okay
Okay-
Is that too cold?
No, actually, it feels kind of nice.
I wonder what happened over there.
I've been sitting here the whole time.
Oka. Huh? y
Let's give it a shot. Let's make it work.
Oh, no. I mean, I want to, I just,
I don't want to force you into doing something you don't want to do.
You're not. I believe in us.
I'm back together with Val.
Yay.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Had a pretty good day today.
Not everything went exactly according to plan.
But lice, if you're watching, I'm ready for you anytime, anywhere.
Hey, Erin already take off?
I guess so.
Okay-
And you're Kareem, coming to help.
Okay, I'm Kareem.
That makes total sense. I'm Kareem, you're Dr. J.
Just sounds weird to say out loud.
And it went like this.
And that's all. That's it.
No one will believe this back home, but that's okay.
That's all right. Let me show you how to do it.
Yeah, you show me how to do it.
This is Jim Halpert, leave a message.
Hey, honey. It's me,
just trying to catch you before going home.
Um...
Well. Just give me a call whenever.
Hope your day got better. Love you.
Hey. What are you doing right now?
I'm just going to go home.
My mom's been watching the kids all day.
Let her stay another hour. Let's go get a beer.
Really? A beer sounds incredible right now.
No duh. Let's go, you're buying.
Meredith, I am so sorry about today.
Forget about it.
I just did not realize how hard
it was going to be without Jim.
I mean, I really respect you for being a single morn all these years.
It whipped my ass in half a week.
I have to say, there are not a lot of people
who could pull off a shaved head,
but you are rocking it.
Right?
I got the bartender's phone number when you were in the john.
I'm going to take that freak to bone-town before the night is over.
Get it, girl.
This one is for all you ladies out there!
I come... Not yet.
I come home in the morning light
My mother says, "When you going to live your life right?"
Oh, Mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones
And girls, they want to have fun
Oh, girls just want to have fun