The Office (2005–2013): Season 9, Episode 1 - New Guys - full transcript
Dwight and Jim are intimidated by the office's newest additions, who are considered younger versions of themselves. Meanwhile, Andy tries to make Nellie's life miserable, and Angela tries to get rid of one of her cats.
Andy's coming back today.
Andy's coming back today.
Andy's
coming back today.
David Wallace sent him on an
Outward Bound wilderness adventure
for a whole month to make him
more decisive and confident.
He sent
his own son, too,
and the counselor said
they both grew up, big time.
How was my summer?
It was pretty mixed.
I invented a new power drink
made out of beet runoff.
Mmm. Mmm!
So that's really good.
But I got some
disappointing medical news.
Mr. Schrute, the results are in.
You're not the father.
I told you. God.
On!
Oh, my God!
Oh! What a summer!
An emotional roller coaster.
I ran over a turtle in the parking lot.
But then I saved him by gluing
his shell back together.
But I'm not that good
at puzzles.
That piece
doesn't go there.
Shh.
So I patched him with stuff
from around the office,
but I couldn't get
the pieces to fit right.
Then one day, while I was
reaching for the glue,
I crushed his shell again.
But I rebuilt him
even better that time.
But it turned out
the turtle was already dead.
Probably when I ran over him
the first time.
For us? Um...
Nothing new, really.
The kids are great.
You are really good at modesty.
She's a genius.
She painted this incredible
mural in the kids' room.
There's a hippo leading a parade...
Okay.
...of 500 children
through the village.
Well, you had
that interesting thing.
Oh! Yeah.
Yes, Jim's friend is
starting a new company
based on this idea
that Jim had
when they were
back in college.
It's sports marketing, basically,
but the athletes are partners.
And he wanted Jim
to be a partner, too.
In Philly, so that doesn't
really work for the family.
But watch this guy make a
billion dollars off my idea.
He said if it takes off, he's
going to buy us a new car.
An Altima or better.
TOBY". Kelly Kapoor is gone.
Her fiancé, Ravi, was hired
as a pediatrics professor
at Miami University.
I don't need 'em
anymore.
I am going to Miami,
biyatches,
to hang with LeBron James
and Gloria Estefan!
Miami University,
in Ohio.
On her last day, Kelly was still
a little confused about it.
Enjoy the snow, losers!
I'm so happy
for you, Kelly.
Shortly after Kelly
left, Ryan quit
and also moved to Ohio,
for what he claimed
were unrelated reasons.
I've actually done a lot of
market research, and it turns out
that Southwestern Ohio is going
to be the next Silicon Valley.
They call it
the Silicon Prairie.
It's a big university
town and, uhH.
This is not garbage.
It's my clothes.
And that was our summer.
- We good?
- Yeah, thanks.
Don't you guys
have everything? I mean,
it's just a paper company-
Well, we're more following you
guys, to see how you turn out.
Oh! Yeah, I guess we were kind
of dramatic in the beginning.
Well.
I don't think anything's going
to change in our lives now.
With work and two kids,
I guess nothing interesting is going
to happen to us for along, long time.
Andy's coming back today.
Hey, does anybody know
where we throw these out?
Oh, my God.
It's called a garbage can.
Helpless.
There's two new guys
back there with me now.
They're in their 20s.
We really get along.
Looking good!
We're just three single guys,
getting into trouble.
They're like the new
Jim and Dwight.
Oh. Yes.
Yes, I see that. Perfect.
Hey, New Jim.
Come sit on my face.
No, thank you.
My name's Pete.
No, Pete is not
the new Jim.
The only thing
we have in common
is that neither of us wants
to sit on Meredith's face.
And if that makes him
the new Jim,
then every human being
in the world is the new Jim.
Andy's here! Old Dwight!
New Dwight!
Andy's here! New Jim!
Tuna! Andy's here!
Pam. He's here.
Hey!
Ah!
Wow! I thought about this place
a lot when I was on solo.
Three days on a mountain.
It'll change you.
The things
we think we need.
Clocks! Yeah, right.
It sounds amazing.
Tell us all about it.
What are you
still doing here?
Wonderful, thanks.
You know, I had this really funny
dream during Outward Bound
that you died.
Brilliant!
See me
in my office later.
The new guys! All right.
It's Clark and, uh...
Pete.
In Outward Bound, it was
all about nicknames.
They called me "iceman."
You will be called Plop.
What? Why?
'Cause you're
always taking dumps.
No, I'm not.
Come on, everybody defecates.
Relax, Plop.
You will be called Fart.
Because you fart all the time.
I love it!
Actually, Andy, we call
this one Dwight Jr.
You know,
I prefer Fart.
No! Dwight Jr.,
infinitely better.
You guys look exactly alike.
Dwight, go stand next to him.
This is insane.
No, we...
I don't see it. I don't either.
I don't either.
Whoa! Mind blown!
It's like
father and son.
That's...
Dwight, you cool
if we call him Dwight Jr.?
Yes.
Yes, lam.
That's okay.
Dwight Jr.
In a way, it's like
I have a son.
And who knows? Maybe someday
they'll hire someone
who looks like
a younger version of him.
And then
I'll have a grandson.
VVeH, I need to give my
cat up for adoption.
Mmm.
The one who uses
the doorbell,
or the one with
the Mexican hat,
or the one with
the rain galoshes,
or the one that you
let go around naked?
Angela's cats are cute.
So cute that you
just want to eat them.
But you can't eat cats.
You can't eat cats, Kevin.
No, the one with the long hair
and the denim pants. Comstock.
Oh!
Okay, look. He's such
a special kitty.
I just want to
find him a good home.
He loves those pants.
I'll take him.
Please.
After the turtle?
I am enormously proud
of what I did for that turtle!
Oscar? Oscar,
will you take him?
No, I'm a dog person.
If you pray enough, you can change
yourself into a cat person.
Those guys always
turn back, Angela.
David, Outward Bound was incredible!
I was the best at slacklining.
I ate a worm.
I'm glad to hear it.
You sound really
confident and decisive.
Hey, you wanted to see me?
Yeah. Got to go, David.
Why is Nellie still here?
You can only fire
Nellie for cause.
Mmm. Then I will
make up a cause.
Except you just told me
you were going to make it up.
Now if she sues, lWlhaveto
testify against you.
Then forget I just told you that.
Can't.
I took a course at the
Weintraub Memory Academy.
I sat next to this woman
named Beverly Brooke,
she had a Greek
salad for lunch.
See what I mean?
Now I know why Michael
hated you so much.
Good boy.
Getting big and strong.
Snack foods!
Yep.
Body by Cheez-it.
Ah! Humor.
I have it, too.
Oh, boy, I got a
couple of tickets
to the Slayer concert
10 months from now.
You interested?
I think I'm busy
that night, or I would.
Mmm. Okay, well, we're both just kind
of learning as we go, aren't we?
Learning what?
Just
how this is going to be,
you know?
You have
a beautiful round head.
Okay. So what kind of
farming are you into, huh?
More of a fruit man
or a root man?
Hey, is this code
for, like, gay stuff?
'Cause, if so, that's totally fine.
Like, I'm fine with it,
but, you know, you should know
that I'm into the ladies.
Spoken like
a true root man.
Hey, you know?
If you're ever swamped,
I can make some
sales calls for you.
My calls?
So could you give me
a list of all your clients,
or just the leads that you
haven't had time to pursue yet?
You want a list of my clients?
You want my leads?
Yeah, I'll just give it a glance.
Okay.
I'll give it a read.
You know, with my leads
and stuff like that.
Because you're interested
in going into sales.
I am. Yeah.
Wow, that's great.
That's great. Okay, good.
Let's talk about that.
Okay_
Okay?
You're not
getting my clients!
Nice try.
Paranoid? I'm not
familiar with the word.
And I really don't have time to
learn new words right now, okay?
A pudgy 22-year-old
is trying to take my job.
Jim, get ready for the
battle of your life.
Done. Explain.
The new guys. Dwight Jr.
is after my job.
Yeah. There is a shark hiding
inside that adorable little cherub.
Oh! Now I get what
Pete was talking about
at the sales
meeting yesterday.
Wait, sales?
What sales meeting?
The new guys called one.
The new guys
called a sales meeting?
Clark ended the whole thing
with a karate demonstration.
Did you know there was
a belt above black?
There is no belt
above black.
Is there a belt above black?
You should ask him.
It's a color you
would never expect.
Too easy.
Attention, everyone!
Comstock is still available.
Oscar has been flirting
with adopting him,
but still hasn't given me
a definite yes or no.
Definitely no.
Fine.
For any interested candidates, I will
be conducting 20-minute interviews.
My ideal situation would be an
independently wealthy cute couple
with a strong
commitment to education.
Black or white, I'm fine
with either, but not both.
Listen, you're in this, but
you need to wow me, okay?
I wanted to talk to you about our
working relationship this year.
It's going to be terrible.
Not necessarily.
No, I'm going to
make sure that it is,
and if it isn't, I will take
immediate action to rectify that.
Now, I don't like to throw
around the "B" word.
But I'm going to be
a huge bitch to you.
Now this is called
slacklining.
I set up the old
slackline to teach the office
the skills of
focus and discipline,
or in the case of
certain individuals,
the skills of humiliation
and looking really dumb.
If you make it all the way across,
your confidence will soar.
But if you Toby out,
then you'll feel
like a real Nellie.
How about a hand,
screw those guys.
Now, these are my actual Outward
Bound counselors, Rafe and Feather.
Iceman.
That's me.
The powder is
for your protection.
Feather has permanent
athlete's foot.
Feather, show them how you
dance upon the line of slack.
You, uh,
you a sports guy?
Sure. Boxing, tennis.
Oh! Any team sports?
NASCAR,
The Amazing Race.
Phillies fan though, right?
You mean horses?
No. Like baseball,
the baseball team.
I like the Red Sox.
I'm from Vermont, so...
Okay. Good talk.
I have nothing in
common with Plop.
All right, who's next?
Nellie!
Oh, I would rather watch you
and your talented friends.
Nonsense, get up here.
Go ahead.
Come on.
Uh, you going
to wear your heels?
I'm very self-conscious
about my feet.
Okay. There you go!
Attagirl.
Hey, all right. Whoa, you suck.
All right, who's next?
Darryl?
This seems like
the kind of thing
white people
with dreadlocks do.
Dwight Jr.?
This looks like your speed.
Uh, I guess I could
give it a shot.
Yeah, come on.
Get up here.
Just hop on up.
Okay.
Focus on the horizon.
Whoa! Look at this guy!
I've always been good at
anything that required balance.
My doctor says I have
gigantic inner ears.
- Go, Dwight Jr.!
- That was insane!
Yes!
Boo! Unimpressed!
It's a tightrope
for babies! Boo!
All right, let's see you do it.
All right. Let me show you
how a real man walks
across a flaccid cord.
Oh!
Who ordered
the hot apple fail?
Okay. lam just
getting started, okay?
You got this.
This is all you.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Got ourselves
a yard sale!
Ah!
Oh! Oh!
Balls and face!
It's not a race, Dwight.
Well, it's official. Old Dwight
is lame and New Dwight is cool.
That's not true.
- Just give me another chance.
- But your mouth is...
This is a bloodbath. All
right, I'm calling this.
What? It's enough of this.
Everyone, let's go back to work.
This is a stupid activity.
This is not okay.
I would be embarrassed
to be good at it.
Idiots!
Slacklining.
Big deal.
Untie that rope, give it to a
couple of pigtailed schoolgirls,
let them start jumping with it while
chanting a rhyme and giggling about boys.
Doesn't seem so macho now, does it?
It's a jump rope!
Dwight?
Pam? Hey, I'm up here.
Up the ladder, come on.
What are you doing?
Come here, I'll show you.
Why do you want
this cat?
Um, I don't
want it, really.
How would you
support the cat?
What are your
ambitions?
I want to start
my own business.
I want to be a millionaire,
lots of things.
Travel. Make the world
a better place.
Earn an MBA at night.
Have you taken
any concrete steps?
Well, I'm still
just fitting in here,
you know, getting used to the new job.
Mmm-hmm.
But definitely
on the agenda.
But that is a good idea, Angela.
I should make a list.
Oh, come on, Pete!
That's just sad.
If he doesn't watch himself, he's going
to be here for years doing nothing.
Wow, maybe Pete
is the new Jim.
Do you see how the trapeze
completely surrounds the wire?
That means it is literally
impossible for anyone to fall off.
So you will merely sit below
and be my counterweight
as I pedal across the parking
lot to that telephone pole.
I will?
You Will.
Yeah, we weigh about the
same, wouldn't you say?
Sure, if you
weigh 105 pounds.
So you'll do it?
No.
Come on, this will be the only
thrill of your boring life.
Dwight, you may find this hard to
believe, but I love my boring life.
Come on!
Exactly the way it is.
No, Pam.
Yes!
And there's nothing you can
say that would get me to run
the slightest risk
of losing it.
Please? Please, Pam?
Find someone else. I
don't know, ask Phyllis.
I can't use Phyllis.
Are you kidding me?
The moment she steps off this
bar, I'll be launched into space.
God! You're so insensitive.
Why are you getting rid of it?
Allergies.
Your husband?
No, the baby.
Please, it's my
husband's favorite cat.
He's broken up
about it.
It's the only time I've seen him
cry, other than our wedding night.
You know what?
I will take Comstock.
Really? Oh, Oscar,
thank you.
I'll come by after work
and pick him up.
Yay! Oh! Poor Robert.
He won't get to say goodbye.
He has this
business dinner tonight.
(Test la vie.
Please don't
teach the cat French.
Yeah, good news. Tonight, when
you come over for dinner,
you can play with
your old buddy, Comstock.
You ready?
Yeah.
You know what?
I'll meet you down there.
I just got to make
a quick call.
Okay-
Okay-
All right.
Oh, God.
Attention, employees
of Dunder Mifflin!
Everyone thinks the new guys are so
cool, 'cause they can slackline.
Ooh!
Hey, Clark! This is what
a real salesman looks like!
They say that you only live once,
and I'm about to prove it!
Dwight Schrute!
Dwight!
Hey, man, it's Halpert. Did
you go to the other guy yet?
Great. Don't. I'm in.
Yeah. Yep, I'm all in.
Okay, talk to you soon. Bye.
Yeah!
- Call someone?
- Call somebody!
Hold on, Dwight!
In the parking lot
today, there was a circus.
A copier did tricks
on the high wire.
A lady tried to give away a
baby that looked like a cat.
There was a Dwight impersonator
and a Jim impersonator.
A strongman crushed a turtle.
I laughed and I cried.
Not bad for a day "m the
“fie of a dog food company.
Crap. Sorry, Nellie!
Once again, I understand
that old habits die hard,
but if everyone would kindly walk
their refuse to the trash bins
instead of tossing them,
then we wouldn't...
Oh!
Swish.
It was nothing to do
with me.
I just happen to be sitting
near to where the bins are.
There are two things
that I am passionate about,
recycling
and revenge.
Fluke.
Andy's coming back today.
Andy's
coming back today.
David Wallace sent him on an
Outward Bound wilderness adventure
for a whole month to make him
more decisive and confident.
He sent
his own son, too,
and the counselor said
they both grew up, big time.
How was my summer?
It was pretty mixed.
I invented a new power drink
made out of beet runoff.
Mmm. Mmm!
So that's really good.
But I got some
disappointing medical news.
Mr. Schrute, the results are in.
You're not the father.
I told you. God.
On!
Oh, my God!
Oh! What a summer!
An emotional roller coaster.
I ran over a turtle in the parking lot.
But then I saved him by gluing
his shell back together.
But I'm not that good
at puzzles.
That piece
doesn't go there.
Shh.
So I patched him with stuff
from around the office,
but I couldn't get
the pieces to fit right.
Then one day, while I was
reaching for the glue,
I crushed his shell again.
But I rebuilt him
even better that time.
But it turned out
the turtle was already dead.
Probably when I ran over him
the first time.
For us? Um...
Nothing new, really.
The kids are great.
You are really good at modesty.
She's a genius.
She painted this incredible
mural in the kids' room.
There's a hippo leading a parade...
Okay.
...of 500 children
through the village.
Well, you had
that interesting thing.
Oh! Yeah.
Yes, Jim's friend is
starting a new company
based on this idea
that Jim had
when they were
back in college.
It's sports marketing, basically,
but the athletes are partners.
And he wanted Jim
to be a partner, too.
In Philly, so that doesn't
really work for the family.
But watch this guy make a
billion dollars off my idea.
He said if it takes off, he's
going to buy us a new car.
An Altima or better.
TOBY". Kelly Kapoor is gone.
Her fiancé, Ravi, was hired
as a pediatrics professor
at Miami University.
I don't need 'em
anymore.
I am going to Miami,
biyatches,
to hang with LeBron James
and Gloria Estefan!
Miami University,
in Ohio.
On her last day, Kelly was still
a little confused about it.
Enjoy the snow, losers!
I'm so happy
for you, Kelly.
Shortly after Kelly
left, Ryan quit
and also moved to Ohio,
for what he claimed
were unrelated reasons.
I've actually done a lot of
market research, and it turns out
that Southwestern Ohio is going
to be the next Silicon Valley.
They call it
the Silicon Prairie.
It's a big university
town and, uhH.
This is not garbage.
It's my clothes.
And that was our summer.
- We good?
- Yeah, thanks.
Don't you guys
have everything? I mean,
it's just a paper company-
Well, we're more following you
guys, to see how you turn out.
Oh! Yeah, I guess we were kind
of dramatic in the beginning.
Well.
I don't think anything's going
to change in our lives now.
With work and two kids,
I guess nothing interesting is going
to happen to us for along, long time.
Andy's coming back today.
Hey, does anybody know
where we throw these out?
Oh, my God.
It's called a garbage can.
Helpless.
There's two new guys
back there with me now.
They're in their 20s.
We really get along.
Looking good!
We're just three single guys,
getting into trouble.
They're like the new
Jim and Dwight.
Oh. Yes.
Yes, I see that. Perfect.
Hey, New Jim.
Come sit on my face.
No, thank you.
My name's Pete.
No, Pete is not
the new Jim.
The only thing
we have in common
is that neither of us wants
to sit on Meredith's face.
And if that makes him
the new Jim,
then every human being
in the world is the new Jim.
Andy's here! Old Dwight!
New Dwight!
Andy's here! New Jim!
Tuna! Andy's here!
Pam. He's here.
Hey!
Ah!
Wow! I thought about this place
a lot when I was on solo.
Three days on a mountain.
It'll change you.
The things
we think we need.
Clocks! Yeah, right.
It sounds amazing.
Tell us all about it.
What are you
still doing here?
Wonderful, thanks.
You know, I had this really funny
dream during Outward Bound
that you died.
Brilliant!
See me
in my office later.
The new guys! All right.
It's Clark and, uh...
Pete.
In Outward Bound, it was
all about nicknames.
They called me "iceman."
You will be called Plop.
What? Why?
'Cause you're
always taking dumps.
No, I'm not.
Come on, everybody defecates.
Relax, Plop.
You will be called Fart.
Because you fart all the time.
I love it!
Actually, Andy, we call
this one Dwight Jr.
You know,
I prefer Fart.
No! Dwight Jr.,
infinitely better.
You guys look exactly alike.
Dwight, go stand next to him.
This is insane.
No, we...
I don't see it. I don't either.
I don't either.
Whoa! Mind blown!
It's like
father and son.
That's...
Dwight, you cool
if we call him Dwight Jr.?
Yes.
Yes, lam.
That's okay.
Dwight Jr.
In a way, it's like
I have a son.
And who knows? Maybe someday
they'll hire someone
who looks like
a younger version of him.
And then
I'll have a grandson.
VVeH, I need to give my
cat up for adoption.
Mmm.
The one who uses
the doorbell,
or the one with
the Mexican hat,
or the one with
the rain galoshes,
or the one that you
let go around naked?
Angela's cats are cute.
So cute that you
just want to eat them.
But you can't eat cats.
You can't eat cats, Kevin.
No, the one with the long hair
and the denim pants. Comstock.
Oh!
Okay, look. He's such
a special kitty.
I just want to
find him a good home.
He loves those pants.
I'll take him.
Please.
After the turtle?
I am enormously proud
of what I did for that turtle!
Oscar? Oscar,
will you take him?
No, I'm a dog person.
If you pray enough, you can change
yourself into a cat person.
Those guys always
turn back, Angela.
David, Outward Bound was incredible!
I was the best at slacklining.
I ate a worm.
I'm glad to hear it.
You sound really
confident and decisive.
Hey, you wanted to see me?
Yeah. Got to go, David.
Why is Nellie still here?
You can only fire
Nellie for cause.
Mmm. Then I will
make up a cause.
Except you just told me
you were going to make it up.
Now if she sues, lWlhaveto
testify against you.
Then forget I just told you that.
Can't.
I took a course at the
Weintraub Memory Academy.
I sat next to this woman
named Beverly Brooke,
she had a Greek
salad for lunch.
See what I mean?
Now I know why Michael
hated you so much.
Good boy.
Getting big and strong.
Snack foods!
Yep.
Body by Cheez-it.
Ah! Humor.
I have it, too.
Oh, boy, I got a
couple of tickets
to the Slayer concert
10 months from now.
You interested?
I think I'm busy
that night, or I would.
Mmm. Okay, well, we're both just kind
of learning as we go, aren't we?
Learning what?
Just
how this is going to be,
you know?
You have
a beautiful round head.
Okay. So what kind of
farming are you into, huh?
More of a fruit man
or a root man?
Hey, is this code
for, like, gay stuff?
'Cause, if so, that's totally fine.
Like, I'm fine with it,
but, you know, you should know
that I'm into the ladies.
Spoken like
a true root man.
Hey, you know?
If you're ever swamped,
I can make some
sales calls for you.
My calls?
So could you give me
a list of all your clients,
or just the leads that you
haven't had time to pursue yet?
You want a list of my clients?
You want my leads?
Yeah, I'll just give it a glance.
Okay.
I'll give it a read.
You know, with my leads
and stuff like that.
Because you're interested
in going into sales.
I am. Yeah.
Wow, that's great.
That's great. Okay, good.
Let's talk about that.
Okay_
Okay?
You're not
getting my clients!
Nice try.
Paranoid? I'm not
familiar with the word.
And I really don't have time to
learn new words right now, okay?
A pudgy 22-year-old
is trying to take my job.
Jim, get ready for the
battle of your life.
Done. Explain.
The new guys. Dwight Jr.
is after my job.
Yeah. There is a shark hiding
inside that adorable little cherub.
Oh! Now I get what
Pete was talking about
at the sales
meeting yesterday.
Wait, sales?
What sales meeting?
The new guys called one.
The new guys
called a sales meeting?
Clark ended the whole thing
with a karate demonstration.
Did you know there was
a belt above black?
There is no belt
above black.
Is there a belt above black?
You should ask him.
It's a color you
would never expect.
Too easy.
Attention, everyone!
Comstock is still available.
Oscar has been flirting
with adopting him,
but still hasn't given me
a definite yes or no.
Definitely no.
Fine.
For any interested candidates, I will
be conducting 20-minute interviews.
My ideal situation would be an
independently wealthy cute couple
with a strong
commitment to education.
Black or white, I'm fine
with either, but not both.
Listen, you're in this, but
you need to wow me, okay?
I wanted to talk to you about our
working relationship this year.
It's going to be terrible.
Not necessarily.
No, I'm going to
make sure that it is,
and if it isn't, I will take
immediate action to rectify that.
Now, I don't like to throw
around the "B" word.
But I'm going to be
a huge bitch to you.
Now this is called
slacklining.
I set up the old
slackline to teach the office
the skills of
focus and discipline,
or in the case of
certain individuals,
the skills of humiliation
and looking really dumb.
If you make it all the way across,
your confidence will soar.
But if you Toby out,
then you'll feel
like a real Nellie.
How about a hand,
screw those guys.
Now, these are my actual Outward
Bound counselors, Rafe and Feather.
Iceman.
That's me.
The powder is
for your protection.
Feather has permanent
athlete's foot.
Feather, show them how you
dance upon the line of slack.
You, uh,
you a sports guy?
Sure. Boxing, tennis.
Oh! Any team sports?
NASCAR,
The Amazing Race.
Phillies fan though, right?
You mean horses?
No. Like baseball,
the baseball team.
I like the Red Sox.
I'm from Vermont, so...
Okay. Good talk.
I have nothing in
common with Plop.
All right, who's next?
Nellie!
Oh, I would rather watch you
and your talented friends.
Nonsense, get up here.
Go ahead.
Come on.
Uh, you going
to wear your heels?
I'm very self-conscious
about my feet.
Okay. There you go!
Attagirl.
Hey, all right. Whoa, you suck.
All right, who's next?
Darryl?
This seems like
the kind of thing
white people
with dreadlocks do.
Dwight Jr.?
This looks like your speed.
Uh, I guess I could
give it a shot.
Yeah, come on.
Get up here.
Just hop on up.
Okay.
Focus on the horizon.
Whoa! Look at this guy!
I've always been good at
anything that required balance.
My doctor says I have
gigantic inner ears.
- Go, Dwight Jr.!
- That was insane!
Yes!
Boo! Unimpressed!
It's a tightrope
for babies! Boo!
All right, let's see you do it.
All right. Let me show you
how a real man walks
across a flaccid cord.
Oh!
Who ordered
the hot apple fail?
Okay. lam just
getting started, okay?
You got this.
This is all you.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Got ourselves
a yard sale!
Ah!
Oh! Oh!
Balls and face!
It's not a race, Dwight.
Well, it's official. Old Dwight
is lame and New Dwight is cool.
That's not true.
- Just give me another chance.
- But your mouth is...
This is a bloodbath. All
right, I'm calling this.
What? It's enough of this.
Everyone, let's go back to work.
This is a stupid activity.
This is not okay.
I would be embarrassed
to be good at it.
Idiots!
Slacklining.
Big deal.
Untie that rope, give it to a
couple of pigtailed schoolgirls,
let them start jumping with it while
chanting a rhyme and giggling about boys.
Doesn't seem so macho now, does it?
It's a jump rope!
Dwight?
Pam? Hey, I'm up here.
Up the ladder, come on.
What are you doing?
Come here, I'll show you.
Why do you want
this cat?
Um, I don't
want it, really.
How would you
support the cat?
What are your
ambitions?
I want to start
my own business.
I want to be a millionaire,
lots of things.
Travel. Make the world
a better place.
Earn an MBA at night.
Have you taken
any concrete steps?
Well, I'm still
just fitting in here,
you know, getting used to the new job.
Mmm-hmm.
But definitely
on the agenda.
But that is a good idea, Angela.
I should make a list.
Oh, come on, Pete!
That's just sad.
If he doesn't watch himself, he's going
to be here for years doing nothing.
Wow, maybe Pete
is the new Jim.
Do you see how the trapeze
completely surrounds the wire?
That means it is literally
impossible for anyone to fall off.
So you will merely sit below
and be my counterweight
as I pedal across the parking
lot to that telephone pole.
I will?
You Will.
Yeah, we weigh about the
same, wouldn't you say?
Sure, if you
weigh 105 pounds.
So you'll do it?
No.
Come on, this will be the only
thrill of your boring life.
Dwight, you may find this hard to
believe, but I love my boring life.
Come on!
Exactly the way it is.
No, Pam.
Yes!
And there's nothing you can
say that would get me to run
the slightest risk
of losing it.
Please? Please, Pam?
Find someone else. I
don't know, ask Phyllis.
I can't use Phyllis.
Are you kidding me?
The moment she steps off this
bar, I'll be launched into space.
God! You're so insensitive.
Why are you getting rid of it?
Allergies.
Your husband?
No, the baby.
Please, it's my
husband's favorite cat.
He's broken up
about it.
It's the only time I've seen him
cry, other than our wedding night.
You know what?
I will take Comstock.
Really? Oh, Oscar,
thank you.
I'll come by after work
and pick him up.
Yay! Oh! Poor Robert.
He won't get to say goodbye.
He has this
business dinner tonight.
(Test la vie.
Please don't
teach the cat French.
Yeah, good news. Tonight, when
you come over for dinner,
you can play with
your old buddy, Comstock.
You ready?
Yeah.
You know what?
I'll meet you down there.
I just got to make
a quick call.
Okay-
Okay-
All right.
Oh, God.
Attention, employees
of Dunder Mifflin!
Everyone thinks the new guys are so
cool, 'cause they can slackline.
Ooh!
Hey, Clark! This is what
a real salesman looks like!
They say that you only live once,
and I'm about to prove it!
Dwight Schrute!
Dwight!
Hey, man, it's Halpert. Did
you go to the other guy yet?
Great. Don't. I'm in.
Yeah. Yep, I'm all in.
Okay, talk to you soon. Bye.
Yeah!
- Call someone?
- Call somebody!
Hold on, Dwight!
In the parking lot
today, there was a circus.
A copier did tricks
on the high wire.
A lady tried to give away a
baby that looked like a cat.
There was a Dwight impersonator
and a Jim impersonator.
A strongman crushed a turtle.
I laughed and I cried.
Not bad for a day "m the
“fie of a dog food company.
Crap. Sorry, Nellie!
Once again, I understand
that old habits die hard,
but if everyone would kindly walk
their refuse to the trash bins
instead of tossing them,
then we wouldn't...
Oh!
Swish.
It was nothing to do
with me.
I just happen to be sitting
near to where the bins are.
There are two things
that I am passionate about,
recycling
and revenge.
Fluke.