The Office (2005–2013): Season 8, Episode 8 - Gettysburg - full transcript

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Man, business is war
Customers, clients, it's like a war out there
I am a leader
but you can only inspire people so much in a place like this.
So today, I'm turning the inspire factor up to 10
With a little help from my friend, America's bloodiest battle
Why even read business books? We should be studying war.
Going to places like Gettysburg Where is that?
It's right here in PA
Ah
Well, we should take a field trip there I mean, that would be so cool
I wonder if that bus downstairs is
Okay, Andy. We get it It's a trip to Gettysburg
That sounds super inspiring I'm in!
Gettysburg? Hmm. Could be interesting
Second most northern battle in the Civil War
Actually, it is the northernmost
Ha
The Civil War history industry
has conveniently forgotten about the Battle of Schrute Farms
Whatever I'm over it. It's just grossly irresponsible.
Charge
Well, this could be fun
Yeah, well, the bus has free Wi-Fi
and I made special low sugar lunches for everyone
And is anyone kosher or halal?
What's the halal option?
Dates, tabouleh and bagel with cream cheese
Out
You know, it's the same as the kosher option There's a lesson in there.
I mean, I can't force you to go, you're not my slaves
Thanks to Gettysburg
But who's coming with me?
I'm in I'm in, too.
I guess I'm a sucker for historical fiction
Anyone who's not going you're dead to me.
You're uninvited I don't want you to come
But FYI, there will be leftover
turkey and pesto sammies in the fridge
Yes
One for you Cool, thanks
And one for you
Cool, thanks
Oh! You missed your head There you go.
Phyllis, think fast
All right, guys, a little foreplay before we do it
Fans of Ken Burns' Jazz will most certainly enjoy The Civil War.
You know, I just got Limitless on my iPad
I bet I could get it on the TV
Oh, isn't that the one where the guy becomes limitless?
It's just not appropriate If we were going to visit Bradley Cooper's birthplace
I'd be the first one suggesting that I'd be rooting for it...
Limitless, Limitless, Limitless, Limitless, Limitless!
All right all right, all right
Here
Like it? - Oh by the picnic table?
Then you've got to get the fire pit.
I can't get a fire pit I have two babies.
But the fire pit is a no brainer. Oh, hi there.
Hi, Robert. Hey. Um, how are you doing? Good to see you again.
Where is everyone? Where is Andy?
Andy took some of the other people
on a corporate retreat to Gettysburg
Well, I was hoping to talk out some ideas with Andy
But what we have here is perhaps better
By not going on the trip you've shown
you're the free thinkers of the office
Robert, you've got your sheep and you got your black sheep
And I'm not even a sheep I am on the freaking moon
So, here's what we can do
Game changers
Changes to the game such that the game
can never be played the same way again
Everyone, brainstorm some innovations
Don't be afraid to get weird with it.
Meredith
Excited
Okay
You guys, get excited
Movie's almost over
All right, we're here Limitless can wait.
Fun fact. In France they call Limitless
"The Man with Many Capabilities.'
Whoo-hoo! Ladies and gentlemen the 1800s await you
We can watch Limitless on the way back
I got Source Code on the way back.
Whoo
Where are you going?
Visitors' Center. Going to grab a map for the memorials, right?
We're not going to the Visitors' Center We're not tourists.
No, of course we're not tourists
We're just people that aren't from here who are taking a tour
Yeah, the sign says "Begin tour here.'
Unless you're going on the very specially created
and meticulously researched Andy Bernard Tour.
After Chancellorsville
Lee brought his army up the Shenandoah Valley right through here
They stopped in this field for a picnic which they called "lunch.'
Yeah but I'm confused
Total deaths belongs to Gettysburg
But when you're talking about DPA, that's deaths per acre
Uh-huh... nothing beats the Battle of Schrute Farms
Oh, DPA sounds way more important... Oh, it is
And you should read some of these letters that the soldiers wrote home
I mean, it makes the Battle of Gettysburg
sound like a bunch of schoolgirls wrestling over a hairbrush
I'm telling you they're heartbreaking, too So beautifully written.
Dwight, what are you telling this girl?
The truth
Stop filling her head with nonsense, okay? She doesn't know any better
Oscar, I'm so glad you just got here.
I would have believed everything he said
No, no, no. You're filling her head with nonsense
You and the history books I'm telling the truth!
Interesting
Yes, thank you
All of history has been whitewashed
Really? Why don't you tell us the real history, Gore Vidal?
Okay, I will. I don't know who that is
but I'm going to tell you this
He's a historian
Gettysburg was very important Credit where credit is due, okay?
Big mad props to Gettysburg
Was it, however, the most northern battle of the Civil War?
Yes, yes Not by a long shot!
Yes No
No, it was not No, it was not
Was it the second most northern?
What?
Sure! I would cede it was the second most northern battle
Erin
Was it the northernmost? No! Get out of here, Oscar
Get out of here
I am so eager to hear your game changers Let's dig in, shall we?
May I go first? Absolutely
Raw fish. The disgusting food from Japan
that Americans would never want to eat
Now, we can't get enough of it
From movie stars to construction workers, sushi is what's for dinner
Let me throw another idea at you Origami. What?
The crazy art of paper folding from that's right, Japan.
Don't you wish you could go back to 1980
and open the first sushi restaurant in Manhattan?
We can do that with
origami, it's the sushi of paper
This idea hasn't gripped me
What else did you come up with?
I had to memorize the presentation, Robert
and it took a long time to build the swan, so.
That was bad
If your woman is like mine
I bet you come home to hear the same thing all the time.
"This paper is so hard It scratches.
"Why can't there be a paper just for me?'
Well, now there is
It's pink scented and silky soft
Now, you can watch the game and she can write a letter to her sister.
The situation you described returning home to a wife complaining about
her paper being too masculine is not one that I'm familiar with
In the African American community No.
Thought it was worth a try
That's fascinating
Tell me what's the significance of the peach orchard, though?
Well, that's a great question Actually, some of the most
Excuse me, I've got a question for you
Can you tell us about the Battle of Schrute Farms?
Oh, I haven't heard of that one
Really? Okay, follow-up question
how much are they paying you to keep your mouth shut?
I apologize for my friend. And for the Republicans who are cutting your funding
We don't need to bother this poor gentleman
I know exactly where we're going. Giddy-up
Tallyho
Are you Lincoln?
No, no, I'm
Apparently, I bear a passing resemblance to Abraham Lincoln
It makes it kind of hard for me to go to places
like museums, historical monuments
elementary schools I don't see it.
Chelsea, give Mr. Lincoln your hat so I can take a picture
Okay, quick
Hey, Lincoln's starting
Oh, no. No, no, no, no. I'm actually with a tour group myself, so
Hello, I'm Abraham Lincoln
Some people call me the "Great Emancipator, '
but you might know me from the penny.
Okay, you know the test booklets
that they give out in all the schools?
I was thinking that we could put a coupon in the back
that people would mail in to us
And as, you know as I tell it, I don't like it
Unless, of course you are responding to it I am not.
Um, excuse me, I'm going to go to the bathroom
At this point when you're this pregnant
it's kind of like senior spring
The other day, I spit my gum out on the carpet
Kevin. You've been quiet
I'm curious to know what your game changer is
You know how in the vending machine
they have the chocolate chip cookies in the A-1 spot?
They do that because they think
A-1 is the best spot for the best cookie
But the real best spot is D-4
Right? That's where the eyes go.
So
Cookies. Cookie placement
Yeah. But not just the cookies, though
That was just a for instance
Who else agrees with Kevin
that we're wasting facilities, manpower on our underselling products
when we should be pushing our top performers?
There you get consensus
Okay, we are now on a planet where
Kevin is the most creative person around
and I am just some good looking guy.
I just don't understand
It's 1865, victory is ours
I have saved the very soul of our nation and yet, happiness eludes me
Oh, perhaps a trip to the theater will enliven my spirits.
No
So, another thing about oatmeal cookies. Who even wants them?
I mean, I've seen Toby eat one like once
but other than that forget it.
Interesting
So what is Dunder Mifflin's oatmeal cookie?
What is the product that no one wants?
How about that two-hole punch letter?
Only the lawyers want that punch at the top, and they use legal
That's the oatmeal cookie. Fantastic, Kevin, fantastic
Thank you
By the way did we leave all the food on the bus?
Let's talk about food for a second Food for thought.
Yeah, that's what I had for breakfast,
and I think that's probably why I'm still hungry
Hunger. Hunger for victory Hunger for honor, hunger for pride
Hunger for hamburgers
Hunger for chicken chimichangas
Right, Darryl? That's good
Exactly. Now, do you know what the Civil War soldiers were hungry for?
Pride. Now, each battalion had its own flag
and they guarded these flags with their lives.
Colonel Harrison Jeffords of the 4th Michigan Infantry
saw his flag being carried away
chased it down with nothing but a sword
fought tooth and nail at the foot of that flag until he died.
He wasn't about to let them have that flag
Pride. Right, guys?
I commissioned this flag for Dunder Mifflin It cost me $200.
Only $200?
We are a branches on this tree. And from the tree comes paper
We're all part of a business but business is war
What's that I hear?
Oh! A rebel paper company is coming to take our flag.
What's going on here? Whee-hoo!
Come and get it! Who's going to get the flag? Who's getting it? Whoa, hey
Don't look where I am look where I'm going. Jerk right, jerk left, jerk
Andy, this is inappropriate People died here, man
Get the flag, get the flag Come on, Big Tuna.
What are you going to do about it? We've got a flag right here
Whee-hoo
Spangler's Spring is a mile this way.
Oh, wow. So, that's two miles if you incorporate the walk back
It's... I mean, come on
Oh, I don't think I should walk anymore
All I had for breakfast was oatmeal
yogurt, coffee, orange juice and toast
Two poached eggs and then that half a sandwich on the bus
I can't
All right, fine You know what?
I guess this place just hasn't rubbed off
on you the way that I hoped it would
I'm still going, and I'm not going to ask anymore
I'm not even going to look back
I'm just going to assume that you're with me
You said you weren't going to look back.
And why is BlackRock
suddenly the paragon by which all hedge funds must now be compared?
Yeah, I don't know
Right? I mean, you're an accountant
those bogus prospectuses must drive you insane
Yes, I am an accountant
Dwight, this is one of the archivists here
I thought maybe we can consult him
Really? Yeah.
Well, anyone employed by the Gettysburg industrial complex
is certainly going to want to keep quiet
about the Battle of Schrute Farms
Schrute Farms, did you say?
That is a fascinating little chapter of the Civil War.
You've heard about it?
Yes! Ha Prepare to be refuted Go on, come on
There you go
Families and sweethearts back home
waited desperately for letters from the front.
"Dearest Mother, I'm sorry it has been so long since my last letter.
"It is three months since I arrived at Schrute Farms,
"and I fear I may never leave this place alive. Melvyn Fifer Garris."
Hallowed ground
But the battle at Schrute Farms was no battle at all.
It was a code used by pacifists from both Norte and Soute,
who'd turned the Pennsylvania farmhouse
into an artistic community and a refuge from the war.
You have to understand, poets, artists, dancers,
these kinds of men preferred peace to war.
These delicate, lovely men found a place of refuge
among the Schrutes of Schrute Farm.
Amidst the macho brutality of war,
this was a place where dandies and dreamers could put on plays,
sing tender ballads and dance in the moonlight.
I like to think of Schrute Farm as the Underground Railroad
for the sensitive and, well, fabulous.
Wow, this is so much better than the story you made up.
I've seen enough
You're right, there should be a monument to this
Never trust a cookie with a woman's name
Pecan Sandy. Lorna Doone. Madeleine
Oh
They'll just break your heart
Kevin, you are
Robert, I hate to interrupt but I would love to pitch you one last idea
I call it the Big Mac idea
What? No
Big Mac idea. Sounds encouraging
It's really, really good, Robert Let me explain
No, this is not fair This is my idea.
He's trying to steal it because he's jealous of me
Well, what is the idea?
Every time you buy a Big Mac you set one ingredient aside
Then, at the end of the week you have a free Big Mac.
And you love it even more because you made it with your own hands
You know what? Now I remember That was your idea
That is 100% your idea
Oh, my
It was just actually cookies the whole time
Damn it Hey
You guys came Where's everyone else?
Back at the bus We were locked out
Phyllis is sitting on the ground eating a dirty sandwich
Yeah, I asked the bus driver to lock it
because our stuff was in there. I guess he follows orders
Yeah, sorry everybody else didn't come I think they're just tired.
With holes in their shoes and their dysentery
Even without an audience you're still at it.
What are you talking about?
Our office has a disease, and it goes by many names
Sarcasm, snark, "wisecracks.'
You take things that people care about
and you make them feel lame about it with your jokes.
That's what you did with this trip
Andy, this whole idea of our situation
being just like war it's just not true
We just work at a paper company
and you're our regional manager
And guess what, man? You don't have to prove anything
We like you as regional manager
Andy, if you don't believe me take a look at what's on my head.
I'm wearing a very pink hat
I've been getting weird looks all day, because I'm pretty sure
"DM does GB means something kind of sexual
But guess who's wearing them? All of us.
Just for you, man That's huge
You don't like the hats?
They're terrible
I hate myself
They just didn't turn out how I wanted In my head, they were cooler
But they do look weird
The world will little note
nor long remember the fight that
Jim and I had here at Gettysburg.
And that's good, because I was basically wrong.
I wanted my team to be like this army and I was their general
but I guess it's really just more like
they're people who work in an office and I'm their manager
Yeah, that's really probably a better analogy Now that I think about it.
Abe and Mary are seated watching the show
Oh, Mary, this is wonderful
Okay, Mary, stop your scolding. I'll be quiet.
I need her like I need a hole in the head
Mmm. Oh
Bang!