The Office (2005–2013): Season 8, Episode 11 - Trivia - full transcript

Oh, yeah
Kevin! As soon as I heard that wrapper
You really have to say, "Oh, yeah, '
every time you eat a candy bar?
I can't help it, Oscar It's just really good
Oh, yeah
My hands are tied All right, not bad at all
20 minutes, though so let's try again
Get it all out now if you have to
It was a raccoon eating a hamburger like a person.
You need to stop banging your pen on your desk,
or it's gonna drive me insane Okay, got it.
Does anyone have a first-aid kit?
Check out this song I wrote.
I'm gonna love you downstairs tonight
Listen, I say
I mean, he looked like a little Hamburglar
All right, here we go
Everybody get ready in three, two Good luck. One
Love letters. Yes, I love it
What else can be done with paper?
You can write a book about chairs
Books. Excellent, Jim
All right, Andy, please, please, just stop
You can do infinite things with paper.
Did you hear that?
Infinity. There is an infinity of things that you can do with paper
Now, who wants to buy some paper?
Yeah
Very nice Very nice sales pitch
for our clients that don't know what paper is
I'm talking about you guys
Who in this room right now wants to buy some paper?
Let's get high on our own supply
Andy, you want us to buy our own paper?
Yes
Robert said that we needed to double our sales growth to 8%
by the end of the quarter That's today, and we are $830 short.
And I can't afford to keep buying paper from us,
so today we need to sell $830 of paper,
and then next quarter I need to sell
the $2,200 of paper that's in my garage.
Animals, machines, vast virtual armies.
All of these things I have successfully managed.
The only thing I haven't managed is people
I saw an ad on the Sabre website
for an open manager position in their printers division.
I spoke to Robert California about it,
and he said for me to come by and see him some time.
So like a Spanish conquistador,
I have come to Florida to claim what is rightfully mine.
Dwight Schrute for Robert California.
Oh. Hello, Mr. Schrute I'll tell him you're here Can I get you anything at all?
I'm not here to be given anything
I'm here to take what is mine
Ooh. I'm glad you're on our team Here, please have a seat.
Dwight? What are you doing here?
Gabe. You don't know?
Of course I know
Hmm. Impressive office you have here
Surrounded by shrubbery Like a squirrel's office
Corporate says to me "Gabe, we need you in Scranton."
Scranton says, "Gabe, go back down
to Florida You're needed there.'
So Tuesdays and Thursdays I'm up there.
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I'm down here
I can think of no better way to confront my deathly fear of flying
Dwight. Robert
You made it Yes
Impressive initiative
I don't know what's worse the trip or the destination.
Well, let me settle in
And I'll be with you shortly
Very good
Hey, C-SPAN
So my Dad says an accountant can really help you out
if they're willing to play ball. Those were his words
Gosh, Andy, you had a great quarter, okay?
Robert will understand $800 is a rounding error
So make that error Andy, no
Hey, I can make that error Oh
Well, it's just I know that making errors sounds like your kind of thing,
but it's a little more complicated than that. No, I
It's just I really need a real accountant on this
What do you say?
Because tonight I have a trivia contest in Philadelphia
Aw
Any other crunch time I would love
to stay and cook the books for you
so you can save face in front of your CEO
but tonight is Triviacolypse What?
It's only the biggest night of trivia of the year
There's a $1,000 prize
I'm committed to my friends They're committed to me
You know what? Go. Have fun
There's a trivia contest at a bar in Philadelphia
Stop right there I love it. I'm in.
It's trivia. In Philadelphia
But here's the best part The prize is $1,000
and if we win, we can use that money to buy paper here
close the gap on our 8% profit increase.
That's a great idea. Yeah That's a great plan.
Yeah? You like it? All right All right, good stuff.
I'm so psyched you guys are into it, 'cause I thought
"This sounds really stupid.'
You just made a good idea a great idea.
There is one problem with this plan What?
We'd have to leave work like, right now to do this
You can reduce your prices by 10%
or we're gonna be finding a new source for our morning bagels
All right
Gabe, I always wondered what it is you did around here
Now I found out You're the bagel guy
Yeah, but not just bagels All unwanted problems.
Question What's the most important appliance in your house?
Meat grinder. Too slow. It's the toilet
And I am the toilet of this office
annoying problems
so others can keep their hands clean,
and just like a toilet I am essential.
You know, Gabe, you could have gone
with garbage disposal incinerator, or eraser
And instead you chose toilet
God bless you You are an American classic
Dwight, today is not my day at all, I'm afraid
I'm not going to be able to meet with you
But I'm leaving you in the very capable hands of our COO
But I can give you this pitch in one minute
He's gonna meet with you later.
No, no, no. I don't want you to rush it, okay?
Trust me. Meet with Bill
He's a great person to know I'll dialog with him tonight
CEO to COO What a difference a letter makes.
Still an important position Still a chief.
You're really going to like Bill
He has me toilet a lot of people for him
Hallway phone. Gabe Lewis speaking
Gabe, listen to me. Don't bother Bill with this.
He needs to go put out a fire on the home front.
Just wait 20 minutes, and then I want you to listen to Dwight's p\itch.
Make him feel valued. Make him feel heard.
Your wish is my command
It's a command.
What are you doing here, Andy? You left us no choice
But this should put a smile on your face
How would you like to be captain of the Dunder Mifflin team?
Although I reserve the right to overrule you What? No.
And you guys thought this was a good idea?
A fun idea.
There were times on the two and a half hour drive when I experienced doubt
But that's the thing about long drives
you know? You're always going
This is a gay bar Wait, what?
Everyone in here is gay?
Yes. It's a gay bar so you guys want to go home now?
No. No
No Awesome
What does this say about you that you followed me here?
That you think you're going to win
your sales quota at a gay bar's trivia night?
It says that I believe in my staff's intelligence
and that I'm willing to try anything
Not "anything.'
Good luck
All right, we need to divide up into teams
but it's winner take all so no need to divide evenly
We need an A team a backup team, and a just-have-fun team
So you guys all know yourselves
Good timers, follow me
Back-ups
Go on, kid. You know you don't belong here
A team Okay
All right, everybody, nice self awareness
Except
Okay
There's a table over here
All right, first question, everyone.
Ray Charles famously had this state on his mind.
What is its capital?
Oh, we got this
Let's reverse engineer this
You're a black singer Where do you go?
Somewhere where you're a novelty
Alaska Atlanta.
I know you think that, because that's where the Olympics were held
My cousins were actually at those Olympics
Keep talking all you want
How am I supposed to know what was on his mind?
Ooh! What do blind people think about?
Okay, dogs, canes signs, manholes, stairs piano, darkness.
Okay, time's up. Let's get the boards up.
Atlanta, Georgia is the correct answer.
What?
Hey, man. Uh
Look, unfortunately, Bill had to go fight a fire
so, your appointment got
There's no fires within eight miles of here
Well, it's nine miles away
I'm going to be meeting with you on his behalf.
What? No, no. Excuse me, lady
Get anyone from the COO's office on the phone this instant
This must be very frustrating
I can see you in the jungle now
Hey, now, you're not an All-Star of the NBA, but you did get your game on
when you won the NBA's Sixth Man of the Year Award in 2011.
Who are you?
Jim, Darryl, your time to shine
Shawn Marion. Yes. Shawn Marion
That doesn't sound right I want to say LaDamien Washington?
Wrong for so many reasons
Well, I know Elizabeth Taylor's sixth man
was Richard Burton Is that helpful?
That's it. I'm gonna go watch the boats on the river
Ron Artest, Kelly
No, it's Lamar Odom
If it had been Ron Artest it would have
come up on Dancing with the Stars
when they pan over his trophy case
when he's at home with his family
Lamar winning Sixth Man was a big storyline on Chloe and Lamar.
All right, boards up. Let's see who got it.
Lamar Odom is what we were looking for.
Lamar Odom.
Oh, my God Lamar Odom
Nice. Nicely done
You're my sports guys You're ESPN. You're ESPN Classic
Ryan is MSNBC. I'm E!, TLC and Oxygen
Chill, man. This plan is airtight
So it's a very simple argument
of why I should be put in charge of southeast printer sales
Nobody has sold more printers in the northeast than me.
Bottom line, I know the product I get it.
Well, you got my vote
Oh, my God Yeah.
Most of all, I believe that character is destiny
and my character is one that...
Wait, why are you smiling?
What? What's with the smile?
You're doing great So good.
And my character is one that will never give up
until greatness is on the horizon behind us
Dwight, that was a fantastic presentation. Put your hand on my hand
Flush
Ow
Take me to Robert Ow. He went home.
Take me to his house It's a condo.
It's long-term business housing
You know where it is Lead me there
Ow. Stephanie, help
Listen, you're a perfectly fine toilet
I'm just an extraordinary piece of crap. Let's go.
Ow
Excuse me, sir, on the Dunder Mifflin A team.
Excuse me, sir. Yeah?
I'm sure you're just checking your Grindr account.
But you can't check smartphones
during trivia. It's against the rules.
Okay, I'm turning it off
Okay, you're not turning it off.
Sir.
Okay, then we're gonna have to take it away.
Thank you. Thank you.
Okay, I can't not have my phone. I'm sorry
All right, guys, after nine rounds, let's check the scores.
In first place with nine points, it's Aesop's Foibles.
The Queerenstein Bears have seven points.
Dunder Mifflin A team has four points.
All right
The D.M. Backup Team has three points.
The Einsteins have eight points.
Ladies Gaga have five points.
Yeah
So our best chance of hitting our mark
is now in the hands and brains of Kevin Meredith, Erin and Kelly
Do I like these odds?
My answer is no. Whoo!
Which one is it? I don't know! All I know is the building
Robert! Robert California
Robert Dwight
How nice of Gabe to show you where I live
Come around, 102
All right, guys, time's up.
Who was the relatively unknown patent clerk
who discovered that energy equals
mass times the speed of light squared?
Looks like everyone gets a point for Albert Einstein.
Wait, except for the Einsteins.
That's all right.
Which means the top three teams
are going to finish it off in the speed round.
So let's get everyone some bells.
In third place, we have the Einsteins.
Oh, yeah What?
Second place, we have the Queerenstein Bears.
Yeah Come on!
And first place is Aesop's Foibles.
Whoo
Yeah, but they're going to get clobbered
Ring it in when you know it. First question.
This man had a fatwa declared on him when...
Einsteins?
What? What is it?
I'm just the bell girl
Aesop's?
Salman Rushdie. Salman Rushdie is correct.
Heading out to sea, sailors.
On a square-rigged ship, the sail
set furthest forward is called what?
Princess Ding-Dong do not hit that bell...
Flying jib
Flying jib is correct for the Einsteins.
Flying jib. Flying jib
No way
Gentlemen
Give us just a minute. Stew and I are just finishing up our lesson
Trust me, one nine-minute bout
is a cardiovascular equivalent of running uphill for three hours.
I could go to the gym three times a week
or I can wrestle Stew once a month
Grab my leg
Yay, Robert
Guys, please help yourself to some drinks from the fridge.
According to a recent survey,
this is the most common learning disability among American adolescents.
Boom! ADHD No.
Wrong. The answer is dyslexia
That's correct for the Einsteins.
All right Whoo! Yeah
Sir, sir. Dial it back. This isn't Tail Feathers, okay?
Yeah
They haven't really improved on the Oreo, have they?
No, thank you
Sit down, Dwight
Let me tell you why I should be
the next manager with a riddle.
A manager a salesman, a leader
and a warrior walk into a restaurant.
The hostess says "Table for one?"
How is this possible?
You were dining alone All those people are you
Yes. Exactly. Riddle number two Who is going...
Your drive, your ambition it would be wasted on a manager's job.
And Florida, you don't want to live here
Even I don't want to live here
It's why I'm always at my place in Scranton
Florida is America's basement
It's wet. It's filled with mold strange insects, alligators
Alligators are dinosaurs, Dwight. You know that, right?
Eh... It's complicated
This medal was my grandfather's
He received it for acts of courage for excellence
It's a tribute one man gives another
a job, Dwight.
But why not let me give you something even better?
It's a job interview Not a flea market.
Dwight, the job is not right for you.
Now, when something comes along
that is right for you I'll try you out.
Now get the he out of my place
Yes
Final round. Last two teams squaring off.
Ready to play doctor.
Our question is about health and the human body.
Oh, come on
The standard American analog scale
has a maximum capacity of what weight?
Three hundred pounds
Point for the Einsteins.
Here's your final question. Cinephiles, put on your memory berets.
This 2001 masterpiece from Gilles Paquet-Brenner
explores the intricate dynamics of a family in disarray.
Yes
I'm sorry, no. Over to the Einsteins.
Les Jolies Choses. - Are you sure?
Marion Cotillard exposes herself
a number of times in that film.
The Einsteins win it.
No Yeah
Come on
Look, I know it's easy to say tonight was just a fluke,
and maybe it was, but here's a piece of trivia
A fluke is one of the most common fish in the sea
So if you go fishing for a fluke,
chances are you just might catch one.
Oh, boy.
Welcome to the Stonewall Alliance Trivia Championship\s!
First prize is $2,500.
Let's just do our thing, collect our hardware and get the hell home
Whoo Riboflavin.
Riboflavin?
Michigan.
The President of the United States
is POTUS.
John Steinbeck wrote The Grapes of Wrath