The Office (2005–2013): Season 8, Episode 10 - Christmas Wishes - full transcript

Christmas time is here!
Wow! Thanks, guys That sounded amazing
Hi, I'm Andy Bernard and I am the first office Santa ever
to make holiday wishes come true
Who's excited to get their holiday wishes?
Holiday wishes. What's that, Stanley?
We know exactly what holiday you're referring to
It is important to be mindful of all belief systems at our holiday party
I've been here 18 years and I've suffered
through some weird thematic Christmases
A Honolulu Christmas a Pulp Fiction Christmas
a Muslim Christmas Moroccan Christmas
Mo Rocca Christmas
Christmas is Christmas is Christmas is Christmas
I got Stanley tickets to see Lewis Black for his birthday
Might not have been the best idea
Kwanzaa wreath
I don't need a dreidel in my face That's its own thing.
And who's that black Santa for?
I know Santa ain't black I could care less.
I want Christmas. Just give me plain
baby-Jesus-lying-in-a-manger Christmas
What is the status on my wish? Fulfilled
Brought my bicycle so I can be your designated driver later,
in the event that you drink too much which is by no means required
What about my wish that we don't have to attend meetings
that degrade our sense of adulthood?
That, I cannot do
But I did get you an acre of property on the moon
Where, dark side or light side?
Light side Is it by the Sea of Tranquility?
As a matter of fact, yes Directly adjacent.
Beachfront Thank you, Andy.
So whose wish is next? What about Santa's wish?
My biggest wish is that you a get along well with Jessica
Come on, guys, Jessica
Jim, tell them who Jessica is
She's not your grandmother is she?
Gam-Gam's name is Ruth, Jim
You should know. I introduced you on speakerphone that time
Jessica is my super serious girlfriend,
who is seriously awesome and seriously sexy.
Only thing that's not serious by the way, our repartee
That's great When you know, you know
Hey, what's Ruth's deal, man?
Totally out of your league
So, in summation, ho ho
please be nice to Jessica and mistletoe
is not an excuse for sexual assault
And don't go near Gam-Gam
I love Jessica, and I haven't even met her yet
It's like, we don't even need to meet, you know?
I already love you. Stay home
I just want you to know that I will be mean
to Jessica, if you want me to be
Oh, no, no, it's fine, Kelly
It's really no problem. I was already planning on being mean to her.
That's okay I don't want you to do that
Hello
Merry Christmas, Erin
Kelly, happy Pancha Ganapati
Ew. What is that?
The five day Hindu celebration in December
honouring the god Ganesh patron of the arts
Cool
Hey, man. Hey
How you holding up?
Because of your wife leaving you
Kevin
I actually appreciate the human intimacy.
I feel like a kitten being cradled by a gorilla
Yeah
It's been 10 days since I had sexual intercourse
Well, you came to the right place.
It... This party will cheer you right up
I hope so. The corporate party was wretched
I am so tired of the Black Eyed Peas
It's rock and roll for people who don't like rock and roll.
It's rap for people who don't like rap
It's pop for people who don't like pop
Ah
Heartbreaking
Oh. Thank you
Well, I hate to have to take my Santa hat off and put on my hard ass hat
but this is serious
It's come to my attention that somebody who shall remain nameless
wants to switch desk clumps
Fine with me. Jim can leave any time he wants
Good-bye Wasn't me
It wasn't either of you
Cathy wants to leave our clump?
Don't look. Who it was is not important
But she did say that your constant pranking
and one-upsmanship is driving her crazy.
She or he. I just want to say this is not my fault
Okay, the weak always bully the strong
contrary to what you see in the media
acting in self-defense
Occasionally preemptive self-defense
Ow! What are you doing? Hey! Hey!
Respect the hat
Pam never seemed to have a problem with us
All right I'm gonna speak in a language you both understand
Moe-nay
What was it? What is it?
Money
You both have sizeable Christmas bonuses coming your way
If I catch either of you messing with the other
I will give both bonuses to the other person
Can't do that No, absolutely not.
You need consequences Okay, I want you both walking on eggshells.
Hi, I'm Jessica. I'm looking for Andy
Jessica, yes. We don't say hi. We hug
I'm Erin. Sorry. Ooh
I hope you feel really welcome We all want you here
Oh
My ex is meeting my sex
Which is always scary
You know? And not just because you think they might talk about your penis.
That's just part of it
Hey! Jess, Erin
I hope you're not talking about my penis
Hi Hi
Hey, everyone I want you to meet Jessica
She is an assistant cross-country coach at Bryn Mawr.
Wow
Erin, by the way, amazing receptionist
Oh, that's great. Backbone of the office
Which is funny, actually because my spine is a mess
What? Oh
Scoliosis. Had to wear a back brace for three years but I never did
Oh, no
Oh, no, it's kicking in
Spontaneous scoliosis
Oh
This thing could take your arm off your head off.
You know, just exercise caution
Thank you All right
All right
Oh, yeah
and there's a Christmas party upstairs tonight I wanted to tell you about
Isn't that just for popsicles?
Popsicles?
Yeah, like, upstairs people 'Cause you got a stick up your butt.
Ah. See, I thought it was because they're all so rich
they could eat popsicles all the time
What? I... in my
Well, you should definitely come The foreman always comes
Plus it's fun you know, cookies smoked fish
alcohol, people acting stupid
You had me at "cookies". I can't wait to find out what they are
What should I wear?
Oh, it's nice. It's real nice People get dressed up.
I will look so handsome for you, Darryl
Uh.
I'm gonna
Dwight really wants my bonus
He's trying to entrap me
Oh, God, now I can't drink at this thing
I get really pranky when I drink
Erin, what can I get for you?
Do you have cola? Kirkland, if you have it
Why would you come to a bar and ask for a cola
when you can get some from the kitchen?
Did some small part of you want something a little stronger?
Ryan, Kevin, Phyllis, Oscar come and take these shots.
Yes
Will do
The fifth one is for you, Erin You can take it or leave it
To take it would be to accept that you're
at a party, and you're an adult woman
and you have an adventurous spirit
To leave it would be fine, too
One, two, three Yes
Okay
Wow
Whoo! Hey, hey, nice
Jiminy Christmas
Jiminy Christmas, indeed
Hit her up Oh, yes.
Yeah. - Wow
Yeah, I just got my replacement credit card
Do you want the number? Oh, it's 4-7-9-3
0-0-3-2-3-3-1-3
The security code is 9-2-7
Okay, great thank you very much
Bye
So Dwight did take the bait
He used my credit card numbers to send a $200 bouquet of flowers
to my wife
From me
Boom
Look, it's Christmas so you're allowed...
Hello
compared to normal
You usually dress like a Ghostbuster
Okay. I thought you'd wear a sweater
Since when does a sweater mean "dressed up"?
Am I your grandson?
Come on, stay, all right?
It's good for people to get to know you.
As a contestant on Dancing with the Stars maybe.
And then I want a sugar cookie
And then I want my nap
That's right
Thank you
She is remarkable
Edgy impressions Thank you
How many drinks have you had tonight?
Driving everybody home
A thousand Woah!
Maybe you should take a break
Maybe you should mind your own business
Just kidding
Ah! I've been attacked
Oh, my God. Someone put a porcupine in my drawer
Oh, my God
Yeah, I was just sitting here at my desk and I reached into my drawer
to grab my toothbrush and some tooth powder
and all of a sudden I was attacked
by this bloodthirsty rabid creature.
Who has access to a porcupine?
Or who in this office knows that I have access
and is trying to set me up?
Hmm You know, this sounds a lot like the premise
of my latest Chad Flenderman novel
A Murder for Framing.
Chad Flenderman. Just an easy-going black guy who knows
the streets, yet he also went to Oxford
So just as comfortable on a motorcycle as he is on Air Force One
And he's also the world's leading Egyptologist.
Toby, nobody cares about your sex-crazed black detective.
No, no, no, no, no women chase him. He misses his wife
Hello, lacerated hand here, folks
Nice try This is ridiculous
Oh, is it really?
Two separate times you have set me up to believe
that I was being recruited by the CIA
Three times, actually You see?
Jim, this has your fingerprints all over it
Andy, you've got to be kidding me
Fingerprints can be planted
You know with a severed hand
Do you think that's what happened?
Do you think he used a severed hand?
Okay, you know what why don't we just call Animal Control?
You might want to run that by Angela. 'Cause it's so cute
No. Porcupines don't have souls They're like dogs
Yes, I'm calling from Dunder Mifflin
We have a very rabid porcupine in our office
Someone should come pick it up.
Come down right away
I don't know, let me ask Were you quilled?
Yes, I was quilled
And what's its name? Henrietta
Oh
What? Uh
All right. Get her out of here, Dwight
Hey
Guys, I just wanted to say Come here.
Guys are together. Okay?
And you both have such beautiful hair
Thank you
And who knows? Maybe at the wedding I meet someone.
Okay
And later on tonight I hope I see you guys kiss
Yay.
Okay, well, I'm gonna go do another reverse spit.
That's how the coo kids say "get a drink.'
That's... That's the girl you dated?
Yeah, she's not always like that. It's
No, she seems fun
Yeah, excuse me. Okay
Hey Hey
Have you had anything to eat besides candy canes?
Every martini has an olive
Okay
Maybe I should make you some oatmeal or something
I don't want to put you out but if someone's making oatmeal
I'll take an apple cinnamon
and a maple brown sugar in one bowl with whole milk
Hey, I never told you my Christmas wish
Okay It's about you.
That's not what it should be It should just be like a trinket or something
It's that I wish Jessica was dead
You mean you wish she wasn't here or something
I wish she was in a graveyard under the ground
with worms coming out of her mouth
Hey, you know, you can't say that, okay?
That's my girlfriend that you're talking about
You and I are not together anymore
You need to get over it Take your wish back.
Too late. It's already been wished
And you promised it would come true. You wrote it in an e-ma
So which one are you a murderer or a liar?
Hey Hey
So there was talk of oatmeal
You know, don't listen to what anyone is saying
You look like a princess
Yeah Thanks.
Hey, guys, sorry to interrupt I just found this on my desk
and need to talk to somebody about it
Can you believe that?
Is that Cece? Yes, it is
Oh, man. That's awful
Cece is Jim's daughter
Oh, my God
How could somebody do that?
I know. I mean the way I see it is
you can deface any picture of me
Any one. Pick one Not my kid, though
Who did this? Who did this?
Do you know who did this? I don't
Dwight? Yeah, he did
What? No He should pay.
He is gonna pay This is fire-able.
Okay - It's... I mean...
Let me just see it one more time
You know what? I know who my friends are now
But I shouldn't have got you involved
Because the truth is I don't even really care about this picture
It's a little out of focus
It was probably an accident right? Like...
That's no accident
Right. You're right So maybe it was me who did it By accident.
What? I'll figure it out
Get to the bottom of it Merry merry.
Enough of this garbage
This is Christmas
Christmas
You all right, Santa?
You know those movies where two friends
are sleeping together and it's like
hey, can they stay friends?
Yes
Do you think two friends who are
not sleeping together can stay friends?
Two friends who are not sleeping together
can they remain friends? Yes, yeah.
No. I... I don't know
Okay By the way
I'm not gonna mess with your and Dwight's bonuses
causing more problems
So just be yourselves have fun,
and try not to let it affect your work
All right I will definitely do that
All right. I'll tell Dwight
You know what? You're sitting and thinking
And it's probably better if it comes from me anyway
Christmas miracles do happen
Yes, they totally do
You can't click on these Kardashian links
That's why you have so many viruses
Well, help me, okay?
I'm trying, but
You need to... Kelly
Yo. On it. Game on
I don't know what I was thinking, it was awful. Awful
Jessica, did you just fart?
And that is how it's done
Let's you and I take a walk Oscar, you're in charge of the bar
What? I haven't bartended in forever
Never considered myself a mixologist
Oh, this is daunting. Um, I need a mortar pestle, muddler
Does anyone have any chocolate shavings?
Your heart is broken
So's mine And?
And what?
And do you have any advice or anything...
Oh, my God. ...to help me feel better?
I've been married thrice and each
has ended in an acrimonious divorce
I'm not sure I'm the best person to give love advice
I was hoping you were going to make me feel better
When you do your makeup, how long does it take usually? 'Cause
It depends
Chad Flenderman's kryptonite...
Woah
We got a real Clarence Thomas here
Hi
I'll see you at home. Okay Okay, great.
Perfect. Bye
get why you can't
just call her a cab and pay for it
I would, it just... That wasn't the holiday wish
Either he drives or I drive and now I'm drunk and mad
Okay, bye Okay, bye
All right, come on, Meredith
Bye. Thank you, Santa
You bet
Thank God Erin's getting a ride home with Robert
'cause she is trashed
And who better to drive her home than Robert?
A stand up guy, you know
I mean he's going through a lot. Separating from his wife
showing up at the Christmas party in a track suit and a blazer
Let's go, let's go MEREDITH I'm coming, I'm coming.
I'm coming, I'm coming
Hang on. All right
Woah! My stuff What? What is all that?
It's my valuables
It's junk
This is my treasures No, they're my treasures
You're a hoarder. My God
No, I'm not! I'm gonna sell it on eBay
No, no, no, you be careful
Be careful Ah! My Santa suit's stuck.
What are we gonna do with all that bonus money Henrietta, huh?
Where are we? This ain't my street
Oh. This is the posh part of town, huh?
Oh, my God
Wonder what a studio condo would cost in this neighborhood.
Meredith, shut your drunk hole right now
Erin, it was great fun tonight.
Take a few aspirin, drink a whole lot of water sleep in in the morning.
Thank you. Good night
What are you smiling for?
You thinking what I'm thinking?
I'm sure I am not
Let's get you home
Ow
Take it easy
Oh, man
Fell asleep. Took a nap
Hey, guys I feel refreshed now
How's it going? Dwight
Took a little nap right next to Jim's desk. I feel so good right now
Mmm. Cookies
What's everyone staring at?
Oh, man I was supposed to tell Dwight something
Come on, Jim