The Office (2005–2013): Season 8, Episode 1 - The List - full transcript

Oh, for god's sake
Planking is a very stupid and dangerous trend
Basically you lie like a plank in weird places
That's it.
Sometimes you get run over
Welcome to the Internet
Planking is one of those things where
hey, you either get it or you don't
And I don't. But I am so excited to be a part of it.
After you my good sir
No, I insist
The search committee finally decided,
after a lot of deliberation
on Robert California for the manager position
Who took one look around and left.
He drove down to Florida and convinced Jo to make him C.E.O
C.E.O. Her own job
He talked her out of her own job
and I don't really know how someone does that
but anyway then the position was his to fill
and he chose
It's unbelievable
True. I may have been tee second choice,
but I was the first choice's first choice.
And about Dwight,
have some resentment about not getting the job
so I sat him down and we had a talk
And I told him, "I need a really strong number two
"I want you to be my enforcer.'
Smart, right? Very smart
This has got to stop
Hey! Kevin
Yeah, at first I was really disappointed
But I've got a great daily routine going right now
I've upped my karate to eight times a week.
I've added boxing at lunches and on weekends,
I do kick-boxing three times a week, Krav Maga four times a week,
an hour of meditation every morning at sunrise,
and again at sunset.
So yeah I'm doing great
I'm going to need some help. Pam?
Oh, yeah. Pregnant
Right here. Little Michael Scott
Nope. I told you I don't like that joke
It is a boy. We found out early
Much different the second time around
And I have to say it is nice not being
the only pregnant woman in the office
Look, it's "little pregs" and "big pregs."
Wait, when did we start calling each other
Isn't it amazing the difference in our sizes?
Well, I am a few months ahead of you
I'm having a child with my husband the senator
And Pam is having a child with Jim The great salesman
Hoist him aloft
Come on, Darryl, lift Lift, Darryl
Come on, man
Yeah, I wanted the manager job, but I got something much better
This soda
This is mine
It might be easier if you take a deep breath lift from the knees,
and shove it up your butt
a new thing this summer
I act like I'm telling someone how to do something.
A long description and then I say...
And shove it up your butt
It's stupid, but it's my thing now
No one should be planking at all.
Thank you. Yes
Dwight my enforcer, my number two can you take care of this?
Say no more
Kids, don't try planking it's dangerous.
Especially with me around
Are you watching that commercial again?
Why do you keep watching it if you know it's just going to make you cry?
Because everything makes me cry so what's the difference?
This dog he just wants to protect his bone
He's got a bank vault That's a start.
Not enough, though
All right
The new C.E.O. works out of the conference room about half the time
but whenever he takes a break he does these weird walks around the office.
And you never know who he's going to zero in on
for these really intense small talks
You just hope it's not you.
And yet you hope it is you, too It's strange
Here we go. Hello
Robert California. Let's have a conversation
Describe your day so far
Well, I woke up and
When you recount your day, never say you woke up
It's a waste of your time
That's how every day has begun for everyone since the dawn of man.
Very smart Very smart
Suddenly, I was awake and I...
Hey, Robert We have that 9:30 A.M. casual chit chat scheduled
I emailed you about it last eight to confirm. And again this morning
First item on the agenda can I get everyone
an extra long Columbus Day weekend?
Item number two, connect with the guy
Robert California, what does he think of me?
Don't know Super care.
Number three, time permitting we lost our biggest client.
Pam. Pam Past! Pam.
Jim
Can I call you right back? Thank you very much.
Okay
What is this?
The Friday before Columbus Day, thoughts?
What are your thoughts?
Just making chit-chat
Kind of a medium year for women's soccer, no?
What are you looking at?
It's nothing
It can't be nothing Yeah, it can't be nothing.
It's just a list of our names split into two columns
What?
Okay, just wait one second all right? I will copy it
Do you have a pen? No
No
Okay. Um, I'll take a photo of it.
Dwight, can you throw me my phone?
Nice catch
If he comes out distract him.
We need a warning signal
We don't need a warning signal, Kevin
We can see him right there. - We do.
Don't need a...
Warning! Warning Warning! Warning! Warning
Phyllis! Phyllis
You okay?
You okay? Yeah. Yeah.
One, two, three
Thanks, guys
Okay. Which side of the list am I on?
Left Yes
Why are you... How do you know?
Really great list of names, guys
Thank you so much Good work.
No, actually, that was in Robert's notebook.
He left it at reception and we photocopied it
Oh
Okay. I don't want any part of this.
Maybe it's the list of people he's going to fire.
Okay. It's not that, Pam
You know I was thinking it reminds me
of those lists Dwight used to make
This is if we were a on a cruise ship
and had to divide into life boats.
And this is if we were on a cruise ship
and had to divide into life rafts.
Here's something "Who would eat who in an Alive situation?'
No. That can't be it
I gotta say
it kind of seems like the left side is the side to be on
Me, Jim, Dwight, Darryl no offense, Pam.
Excuse me?
Shh. Pam, come on Don't be such a right-sider.
Did you guys figure it out? We couldn't crack it
Go in there, just ask the man what it means
He'll know that we looked at his private notebook
Come on Just say you saw the list by accident
I'm already working on this Columbus Day thing for you guys
And it's starting to stack up.
It feels like a lot One thing at a time
Yeah, that's all you had to do today is ask about Columbus Day?
Yes. For god's sake Andy, yes. Come in.
What's up?
Weird thing. Totally awkward
But you left your notebook on the reception desk.
Great. Thank you
And it was open
and people saw this
and they're just kind of going nuts and, like...
What is this?
...wondering what it is
It's a photocopy from your notebook
You read my notebook? And photocopied it and distributed it?
No. They did. And they asked me to ask you about it
Please
Oh
Here's what it is it's a doodle.
What?
Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run
They draw houses, penises
funny how the houses are always colonials
and the penises are always circumcised
Don't you think?
Well, I doodle too but I'm not an artist so I draw words and lists
That is fascinating
And by the way I am so glad I asked
People were just sort of... Did you just move my name?
Might as well have been sketching a cube
Okay, Robert's in the annex everybody think quick
What do these groups have in common?
Maybe we're supposed to do it with people in our group.
That's not it
People in the other group
Mmm. Still wrong
Stanley, you do puzzles all day What do we got?
Well, you take the first letter from each name
assign it a number add them all up,
and shove it up your butt
Thank you, a little much needed comic relief
But we really need to figure this out, guys
It's alphabetical
No, it's not
Here's how we find out
Let's line up and compare the lines
see if we learn anything, okay?
Left-siders over here right-siders line up over here,
face each other
Match up by height and relative weight
Let's just size each other up here
And left side of the list
attack
Wait, wait, wait, stop, stop!
Will you stop?
Dwight
Don't do it
What are you doing? Stop!
Warning! Warning! Warning
I'd like to invite the following people to join me for lunch.
Jim, Dwight
Angela, Darryl
Kevin, Toby Phyllis, Oscar
That's great. Let's do this, guys
All right. Well, I will see you in a bit
Hey, it's nothing all right?
I'll text you when we get there
I'll let you know what's going on Okay
No. No dog video
Okay Okay.
See you, guys
Well, we should a be really excited about
our very own pizza party
Pizza party Pizza party. Pizza party.
Jim, your daughter Cecelia what does she think of the Street?
The street?
Sesame Street.
Oh. I didn't know anybody called it
She likes it a lot
She loves Elmo
Elmo, God save us the Elmo era
Right?
Sesame Street was created to reflect
the environment of the children watching it
Complete self absorption of Elmo
is brilliantly reflective of our time
Ours is a cultural ghetto Wouldn't you agree?
Yeah. She does like Elmo
Cultural ghetto? Totally agree
Completely
Apt. Apt analysis, Robert
The thing that I like about Elmo is the tickling
I don't know I was in the wrong...
I'm... I'm sorry
Just picture me back there. I was never here
Great group Pizza party.
How is this a pizza party?
Well, why don't you ask me again
when the five pizzas get here?
Yeah, well, that's just pizza
You need at least one other element for it to be a party.
Okay. Have you guys ever had margarita pizza?
What's that?
Fresh tomato with a dollop of mozzarella cheese.
That's pizza
That's regular pizza
You know, I fee comfortable enough now to ask you this question,
what made you pick this group?
I just think you guys are winners
and I wanted to have lunch with you
Okay
Aw.
What about the other guys?
Losers? Come on. Oh, I don't know
Come on. Come on
I guess I think they're losers.
I knew it
Yes
Probably shouldn't have said that
Whoo-hoo
Ah-ha! Their interpretation of margherita pizza
Fans of classic pizza will be psyched.
A text from Jim
"This is getting very weird Will explain later."
Text from Kevin
"Suck it, losers.'
RYAN Okay, not to point out the glaringly obvious,
but doesn't the fact that lama in this group
make anyone feel just a little bit better?
Oh, this crust is sharp
and sort of funny
and I could do those cute little cartoons
and everyone who came through here was like,
"Who's that receptionist? I like her."
Now I'm just a fat mom
Yeah, and you take one look at me and you're like, "Oh, loser."
Come here, Pam
Chins up, okay?
Bad joke
Look around this room
Does this look like a group of losers? Seriously.
Oh, god
Oh, hey, guys we had so much fun.
We had marguerite pizza
We all hung out and got to know each other better
How was your lunch?
It was excellent. Good times
Yeah? Yeah.
Oh, we did. It was the best time
And you know what? Now it's over back to work, everyone
You too, Andy
I knew it.
That everyone was wrong about me.
My parents, my teachers, my friends the doctors, everyone.
Well, that was certainly an odd lunch
Is everything all right?
Yeah, I'm fine
Just take the casserole out of the
Loser
Take it out of the refrigerator, put it in the oven
It'll be fine Just leave it in for 20 minutes
Loser
When I was a salesman I could just be like,
"Not my job, not my prob I'm going to the warehouse to polish my knob."
Metaphorically, of course
But now, it is my job and my prob
Hi, Robert
Can you come out here, please? It's really important.
Clarify something
Some people here are under the misconception
that some people may be considered
let's say top tier
and others would be second tier.
Thank you. Great
I said winners and losers Is that what you're talking about?
Oh, that might That actually might be what I'm thinking of.
Can you clarify that?
Let me tell you some things I find productive
Positive reinforcement
negative reinforcement
Honesty
I'll tell you some things I find unproductive
Constantly worrying about where you stand
based on inscrutable social clues
and then inevitably reframing it a in a reassuring way
so that you can get to sleep at night.
No, I do not believe in that at all
If I invited you to lunch I think you're a winner
If I didn't, I don't
But I just met you all
Life is long, opinions change
Winners, prove me right Losers, prove me wrong
Well, I guess that's that
No
No. No
Andy, don't go in there
I'm going in there
I know that every time I talk to you things just seem to get worse
But you don't know these people, and I do
And if I let you work with faulty information
well then I'm not doing my job as regional manager.
So, please take this pen and change your list.
I'm not going to change my list, Andy
And I don't use ballpoint pens.
Well, then I w make a new list for you
Stanley, you may think he's a lazy grump
but did you know that he has the most consistently high sales numbers
of anyone in this office?
And you may think he's hard to love
but did you know that he's in not one
but two long-term romantic relationships?
About the sales figures
Meredith Palmer, supplier relations
The word "no," not even in her vocabulary
And just to show you that I'm being fair,
you had Gabe in the loser column
Good call
Pam
easily the most creative and kind person I have ever worked with.
Jim, shut the door This is just gross.
Shh
Erin Hannon, the receptionist and my closest confidant
A winner if there ever was one
Are we done?
Yes
No
The Friday before Columbus Day
we're going to take a half-day
So that everyone can get a jump on the long weekend.
You want a three-and-a-half day weekend for Columbus Day?
Yes, I do
And you are aware that Columbus and his legions
committed genocide against an entire civilization of Native Americans?
Hey, guys
so Columbus Day, we got that half-day on Friday
We get that every year
Well, you got it this year, too.
Good night, Andy Good night.
Bye
Good night, Andy
Good night
Night
All right, I'm going to go warm up the car
Okay Okay.
You dropped something. Jim?
Okay, I know I've been crying easily today, but
I mean, that's just pretty killer, right?
I mean, maybe it's stupid
No
It's wonderful
I'm going to frame it