The Office (2005–2013): Season 7, Episode 23 - Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager - full transcript

So, coasting time
is officially over.

Big changes are coming,
and they're coming fast.

If you don't like 'em,

this is called a door,
you can walk
right through it.

All right? I'm not
here to be your friend.

I like my life
outside of this place.

I live to leave at 5:00.

Change number one, Darryl.

Per your request,
the company is sending you
to business school at night.

Full ride, deal with it.

Seriously?
Stone-cold seriously.



They are trying
to figure me out,
and I don't like it.

Once they figure me out,
they start to tell me
what I want to hear.

And I need to
quickly figure out
who's a good worker,

and who is simply
a good mind reader.

Because as soon
as I'm hearing
what I wanna hear,

I'm not gonna care.

Change two, Toby.
You're getting a new chair.

Thanks.
Don't thank me.

Hey, don't thank me, guy.

Okay?

I don't care
if you like it.

These sound like good ideas,
why wouldn't we like them?

I don't care what
your favorite flavor is.

Here's a bowl of ice cream,
you either like it
or you don't.



That's my attitude
right now in this room,

that's my attitude on
"Ice Cream Thursdays."

All right?

Clear? Any questions?

This all sounds great to me.

But I could see
how some people might
think that they're bad.

I don't know what to think.

That is a...

An astute observation, Kevin.

Kev's got me pegged.

It blows away
Vermont in the fall.

DARRYL: Snap, for real?

DEANGELO: Not even...
Good morning, Deangelo.

Hold on, Pam.
Okay.

And if you're really serious,

you should go in the spring.

'Cause of the flowers.
No.

Because the entire
state smells like earth.

Dogwoods,
or just the earth?

Yes, Pam.

Hey, well, good morning.
I think I have good
news for you today.

I found your new
executive assistant,
my friend, Carla.

She's got
great experience,

we even considered
making her Cece's godmother,

but she had this
boyfriend at the time.

But here's her resume.
Put it with the rest.

Okay.

Hey, dudes.
Hey.

Hey.

Oh, my God, he hates me.
No, he doesn't.

You just get so nervous
and hyper around him.

I know.
Every time
there's a silence,

your brain's, like...

Is that what he tells you
at your little
inner circle meetings?

Careful,
there is no inner circle.

Oh, there is
an inner circle.
Oh, yeah.

There is no inner circle.

Deangelo just prefers
to delegate a few
things to a few guys.

Jim only says that
because he's in
the inner circle.

I also say that
because I am also
in the inner circle.

Did you get that, ma?

Your boy, Kevin Malone,
is in the inner circle,

which doesn't exist.

There he is.
Got you coffee.

Oh, wow, thank you,
that was so kind of you.

Not a coffee guy,
I take it, huh?

It's just that I
own the coffee shop.

So once you've seen
sausage being made,

all you wanna do
is make sausage
'cause it's so much fun.

Listen, I've got a sixer,
Automatic for the People
on the jukebox.

Let's hit the park
after sundown, come on.

Pick up some sausage
if you want.

I think you'll find
what you're looking for
over there.

No matter how many times
I reach out to Dwight,

he doesn't seem to want
anything to do with me.

It reminds me of
my relationship
with my son.

Except there,
I'm the Dwight.

Who's the biggest
client in the state?

I say we go get 'em,
whatever it takes.

What do you guys say?

KEVIN: Yes.
Right?

DARRYL: Let's do it.
Or my other idea,
50,000 tiny clients.

Yeah, I say that
we just go for it.

Is that ball
lighter than usual?

Is that
a Chinatown knockoff?

That's Toys "R" Us,
I think.

No, that's definitely
a knockoff.

You can feel
the center of gravity
is off.

Feel that,
what do you think?

Oh, yeah, totally.

Jim, you got
ripped off big time.

Deangelo!

See what I did there?
That's what you need to do.

Just add a little English.
The British are coming.

KEVIN: Yes.
DEANGELO: Deangelo's open!

Hey, Ry.
Your department's
killing it, baby.

Hey! My pleasure,
my treasure.

Keep it up.

The problem with
having it, or,
the X factor,

or whatever it is
you wanna call it,

is that
it's impossible to
put into words

what you're
bringing to the table.

So, to make things
simpler for Deangelo,
I just, without lying,

strongly implied that
I'm Kelly's supervisor.

It's not even that
much of a stretch.

She pretty much
does whatever I say.

What?
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Why should I pretend
that you are my boss?

Because what
would you have done
in that situation, Kelly?

I'll tell you what I
would have done for you.
I'd lie for you.

Yeah,
but you lie all the time.
You lie for no reason.

Ryan, you just
like to lie.

I'd die for you, too.

You really would?

Hey, Kelly Kapoor,
if I don't have those
call logs on my desk,

we're just gonna
have to evaluate
your future at the company.

Sure thing, Mr. Howard.

Glad he's not my boss.

You're the best, thank you.

You know, I have a cousin
who cracked the secret formula

for a certain popular cola
that I shall not name.

So I've never
had to buy it.
True story.

I just drink
my cousin's.

Congratulations
on your one cousin.

I have 70, each one
better than the last.

You know what?
Straight up,
why don't you like me?

I'm just not a suck up
like everyone else
around here, okay?

I do my job well,
so why don't you
just leave me alone,

and let me do it. Okay?

Oh, no.

What...
Okay?

I'm gonna win you over.
No, you're not.

Yes, I am.
No.

Oh, yes.
No.

Yes.
No.

Yes!
No!

Yes! Yes!
No! No!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes...

Uh-oh.

This former
administrative assistant

misspelled "administrative,"
and "assistant."

The winner.

Under special skills,
Mr. Don Finer put juggling.

What's wrong with juggling,
Darryl?

I'm a big juggler.

I actually perform
a motivational
juggling routine.

Seriously?
Oh, yeah.

I'd do it for you
here, but...

What would you
say this room is?
300 square feet? 320?

Three-twenty,
just free-balling it.

It's a little cramped.

How many square
feet out there?
Seventeen, eighteen hundo?

Oh, I think it's 18 hundo.

GABE: Give or take.

Sorry, gang.

I thought my juggling stuff
was in the trunk of
my car, but it's not.

Oh, no,
do you think
it was stolen?

ANDY: I got you
covered, boss.

Used to play with
the parabolas myself.

Got some extra balls.
Hey! Oh!

Sorry, I never touch
another juggler's
instruments.

You know, we're all here,
I've got the music cued.

Why don't I just do my routine
without the juggling balls?

Prepare to go
into the danger zone.

Oh, wow,
you weren't kidding.
No, never.

Can someone please
throw me a fifth ball?
If you dare.

Incoming!

And we're on.

Remember,
nothing's impossible.

Phyllis, where's Phyllis?

Here.

Do you believe
in me, Phyllis?

Yes.
'Cause I believe in you.

Oh, okay.

Feel that connection?

Don't move your head,
please, thank you.

Big hand for Phyllis.

That took a lot of guts.

I'm Deangelo Vickers.

Thank you so much.
Hope you learned something.

He didn't drop
a single ball.

Look.

I'm juggling eggs
and bowling balls.

I'm juggling with one hand.

No hands.

What could he
possibly stand to gain
from a fake juggling routine?

What could he
possibly stand to gain
from a real juggling routine?

How can you
keep defending him?

He's good at his job,
and I like working for him.

Of course you do, Jim.
You're a man.

Deangelo is a huge sexist.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I think if he was sexist,
I'd be able to tell.

I took a crap load
of women's studies
courses at Cornell.

And I wrote my
own companion piece
to The Vagina Monologues,

called The Penis Apologies.
So I know a thing or two.

Okay, then how about

I'm the head of
the accounting department,

but he only ever
talks to Kevin.

What about Pam and Kelly?
Also department heads,

but has he ever
met with you?

Or even asked you
to do anything?

How could I not see it?
You're so right.

Why don't you
talk to him about it?

And say what?
"Hey, Deangelo, are you shy
or just a sexist?"

Why don't you just tell him
how his actions
are being perceived

by the women
in this office?

Mmm-hmm.

And if he doesn't listen,
then he can kiss
his penis goodbye.

Snip-snip.
Am I right, girls?

Hey, you got a second?

Yeah, I got tons of time,
this job's a joke.

So what's up?

Really, it's nothing.
I was just talking
to Angela.

And she was...

Hey. Saw Jim come in,
are we meeting?

Yeah, sure,
let's make it a meeting.

If it's all right,
can I just have, like,

one minute alone,
just to go over...

What's the big secret?
Why are you even whispering?

Come on, it's the guys.

I know, just the guys.

Well, maybe that's
part of the problem,
I think.

So what happened was
I was talking to some of
the department heads.

Right.

Some of the female
department heads.
Uh-oh.

Yeah.
JIM: Right?

Hot.
Maybe there's
a vibe out there

with certain members
of the office

that you are
a little sexist, or...

Damn!
Whoa!

Wait.
Are you serious?
Who feels this way?

Oh, like, nobody,
it was...
Pam?

Was it Pam?
KEVIN: Oh, my gosh.

That sounds like Pam.
You know how she gets.

Deangelo,
she can get really bitchy.

KEVIN:
Kevin...
DEANGELO: Guys.

Hold on.
Doesn't matter who, okay?

I'm just happy
that Jim brought it
to my attention,

because, honestly,
I had no idea.

That's awesome.
Thank you.

Mom, Ryan's taking us
out to dinner tonight.

No, no,
he's not gonna stand us up
like he did last time.

He won't ever
stand us up again.

So I am the new
Customer Service
supervisor...

When Deangelo's around.

And I'm also a very
dutiful boyfriend when...

All the time.
All the time.

Erin, do you mind
running down to the lobby

and bringing up my brand new
executive assistant?

Absolutely.
Hey, who'd you
end up hiring?

I'm glad you asked, Jim.

Because, apparently,
there's a rumor

running around here
that I'm a sexist.

Mmm-hmm.

I can't work here
effectively if you guys think
I'm something that I'm not.

I'm not a sexist.

Raise your hand if
you have a vagina.

Raise your hand
if someone you love
has a vagina.

Yeah, yeah, okay.
Just about everyone.

What about Deangelo's hand?

Oh, wow.
He's got 'em both up.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Yeah. So it bothers me,

when I hear that
there's gossip around here

that I treat women
lesser than men.

Okay? Frankly,

we all look
a little ridiculous
when that happens.

I'm not a feminist,

but I think that
the men in this office

are being given chances
that the women aren't.

Dwight.

What's your take?

What's the argument here?

NBA, WNBA. One is a sport,
one is a joke.

I love sports, I love jokes.

Room for all.
Man, you're smart.

Oh, hey! Hi. Hello.
Hi.

Welcome. Everyone,
I'd like you to please
welcome Jordan Garfield.

This is everyone.
Hello.

So, Jordan,
where did you work before?

A law office?

No, Anthropologie.

"We don't have
this and that size."
Pretty lame.

Lame? You worked
at Anthropologie?

Yeah.
That's, like,
my dream job.

How did you even
get that job?

Well, I...
You chose this job
over that job?

Okay, okay,
back to work, Kelly.

We have a lot to
get done today.

So, is this your
first office job then?

Yeah.
Yup.

Wow.
No corporate
experience whatsoever.

I didn't want anyone
with any bad habits.

KEVIN: Nice.

Jim, are you coming?

Oh, yeah, did he text us?
KEVIN: Yeah.

No!

Jim, what are you doing?
Get in there.

This is not
the time to take a stand,
at least he likes one of us.

He didn't text me.
Yes!

I'm in.

Andy, what are you doing?

I'm going in into
the belly of the beast.

I'm gonna infiltrate
and change from within.

What's up, man cave?

Just go in.
Hmm?

Just go in,
he probably just forgot
to text you.

Internally for office use,

where do we get
our paper from?

Do we go and...

Do we have that system?
Don't worry,

the first day's
always the hardest.

Yeah.

Hey, Jim.
Yeah?

Can I help you?
Nope.

Just...

Okay.

So, he kicked you out
of the inner circle, huh?

No, there is no
inner circle.

Dwight?

Deangelo wanted me to ask you
if there's anything
I could help you with?

Really?

Anything?

Do you need anything?

Deangelo?

Tell your whore
to leave me alone!

Okay, I do not
wanna waste your time,
so I will keep this brief!

Now, word on the street
is Mercy Hospital,

back on the market.

Deangelo would like
you to put together
a sales pitch for next week.

Deangelo has also
recently learned about
the Barnacle Project,

which is
a non-profit organization
based in Mystic, Connecticut,

that assists in
the scraping of barnacles...

So this is my life

until I win the lottery

or Pam finally writes
that series of
young adult books.

So, one afternoon
while walking
home from school,

quirky 10th-grader
Becky Walters

finds a wounded
Pegasus in the woods.

And she becomes
"The Horse Flyer."

Hey, Kelly,
that's the last time

I'm gonna talk to you
about your paycheck, okay?

We pay you a fair salary here
and if you're only here
for the money,

maybe you shouldn't
be here at all.

No one likes
a money grubber.

I'm sorry, Mr. Howard.
I apologize for
grubbing for money...

I can't do this.
I can't do this.
I'm sorry, I just can't do it.

Deangelo,
Ryan is not my boss, okay?

Frankly, he hasn't had
a real job here in years.

Whoa!

That's hilarious, Kelly.

No, he's just
a big fraud, Deangelo.

He's like Rango.

He doesn't work here,
basically,

just like the way
Rango didn't save
those animals.

It was just a big
misunderstanding.

Is this true, Ryan?

I did not see Rango.

Okay,
I don't have time for this
"he said, she said."

He's not saying anything!

It's too murky.

I like Ryan.
You seem kind of
hysterical to me.

Ryan's your supervisor.
Let's just leave it that way.

But it's not fair.
I've been working here
for such a long time...

Close call.

Okay, why don't you
just finish this stuff up
and leave it on my desk

and I will see
you at your place
around 2:00 a.m.?

DEANGELO:
Oh, angry, angry dunk.

Hey.

It sounds like you guys
are having a lot of fun,

but it's really loud
and some of us are
trying to work, so...

Do you think
you could do it
a little more quietly?

Well, that's gonna
be tough because we're
getting a dunking clinic

from Magic Jordan himself.

You mean Michael Jordan?

Total brain burp.

I'm no MJ.

Please.

I can do his dunk
from free-throw line,
though.

Whoa!

Damn!
Mad respect
from a brother!

The man is paying me
to take Chinese.
I will say what I need to say.

And soon,
I will say it in Chinese.

Okay, well,
it's just really loud.

Okay. We'll keep that
in mind.

All right, ladies.
Back to the game.
Do it!

And, Jim, come on in.

You're back in.

You know what?
Instead of a game,
why don't we do an exhibition?

Love to see
that dunk of yours.

Yeah, we'll set that up
one day.

Today. Now, maybe.

'Cause we have
a hoop downstairs,

and a real ball,
so you don't have
to mime it.

Yeah, I don't know.

Why not?

Only because

no one has called NASA
to request a lift off.

Let's go downstairs, okay?
Let's do it.

Pass.

If I wanted to see
a pissing contest,

I'd lock Mose in
the chicken coop.

Damn it, Dwight, enough!

Get your ass downstairs,
or find a new place
to sell paper!

DWIGHT: Okay,
a little about me.

I respond to
strong leadership.

All right, there you go.
Seems a little close.

You're sure that's
the real foul line?

Fifteen feet
from the baseline.

So you need me
to move it in?

Nah, that's 15.

Yeah.
Okay.

And, you know what,
to make it interesting,

Jordan, why don't you sit
underneath the basket?

Seriously?
Yeah, come on.

I'll dunk over you,
best seat in the house.

I don't...
I don't think
I can do that.

I'm holding your jewelry.

Right, yeah.

Okay, fair enough.
Kevin, you do it.

Yes, okay.

Why don't you?

Here?

Someone wanna
sit in Kevin's lap?

Angela?
No.

Oscar?
No, thank you.

Okay, Jimmy, this is for you,
to show you that
anything is possible.

Fantastic.
All right?

Yup.
This is also for the troops.

Doctor is in!

Now what?

Deangelo?

Oh, my God,
are you all right?

Erin, will you
call 911, please?
ERIN: Okay.

Who should I say
is calling?
Erin.

Dry sweat, yeah,
I get it.

Okay, we're gonna
work on it.