The Office (2005–2013): Season 7, Episode 23 - Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager - full transcript

So, coasting time is officially over.
Big changes are coming, and they're coming fast.
If you don't like 'em,
this is called a door, you can walk right through it.
All right? I'm not here to be your friend.
I like my life outside of this place.
I live to leave at 5:00.
Change number one, Darryl.
Per your request, the company is sending you to business school at night.
Full ride, deal with it.
Seriously? Stone-cold seriously.
They are trying to figure me out, and I don't like it.
Once they figure me out, they start to tell me what I want to hear.
And I need to quickly figure out who's a good worker,
and who is simply a good mind reader.
Because as soon as I'm hearing what I wanna hear,
I'm not gonna care.
Change two, Toby. You're getting a new chair.
Thanks. Don't thank me.
Hey, don't thank me, guy.
Okay?
I don't care if you like it.
These sound like good ideas, why wouldn't we like them?
I don't care what your favorite flavor is.
Here's a bowl of ice cream, you either like it or you don't.
That's my attitude right now in this room,
that's my attitude on "Ice Cream Thursdays."
All right?
Clear? Any questions?
This all sounds great to me.
But I could see how some people might think that they're bad.
I don't know what to think.
That is a...
An astute observation, Kevin.
Kev's got me pegged.
It blows away Vermont in the fall.
DARRYL: Snap, for real?
DEANGELO: Not even... Good morning, Deangelo.
Hold on, Pam. Okay.
And if you're really serious,
you should go in the spring.
'Cause of the flowers. No.
Because the entire state smells like earth.
Dogwoods, or just the earth?
Yes, Pam.
Hey, well, good morning. I think I have good news for you today.
I found your new executive assistant, my friend, Carla.
She's got great experience,
we even considered making her Cece's godmother,
but she had this boyfriend at the time.
But here's her resume. Put it with the rest.
Okay.
Hey, dudes. Hey.
Hey.
Oh, my God, he hates me. No, he doesn't.
You just get so nervous and hyper around him.
I know. Every time there's a silence,
your brain's, like...
Is that what he tells you at your little inner circle meetings?
Careful, there is no inner circle.
Oh, there is an inner circle. Oh, yeah.
There is no inner circle.
Deangelo just prefers to delegate a few things to a few guys.
Jim only says that because he's in the inner circle.
I also say that because I am also in the inner circle.
Did you get that, ma?
Your boy, Kevin Malone, is in the inner circle,
which doesn't exist.
There he is. Got you coffee.
Oh, wow, thank you, that was so kind of you.
Not a coffee guy, I take it, huh?
It's just that I own the coffee shop.
So once you've seen sausage being made,
all you wanna do is make sausage 'cause it's so much fun.
Listen, I've got a sixer, Automatic for the People on the jukebox.
Let's hit the park after sundown, come on.
Pick up some sausage if you want.
I think you'll find what you're looking for over there.
No matter how many times I reach out to Dwight,
he doesn't seem to want anything to do with me.
It reminds me of my relationship with my son.
Except there, I'm the Dwight.
Who's the biggest client in the state?
I say we go get 'em, whatever it takes.
What do you guys say?
KEVIN: Yes. Right?
DARRYL: Let's do it. Or my other idea, 50,000 tiny clients.
Yeah, I say that we just go for it.
Is that ball lighter than usual?
Is that a Chinatown knockoff?
That's Toys "R" Us, I think.
No, that's definitely a knockoff.
You can feel the center of gravity is off.
Feel that, what do you think?
Oh, yeah, totally.
Jim, you got ripped off big time.
Deangelo!
See what I did there? That's what you need to do.
Just add a little English. The British are coming.
KEVIN: Yes. DEANGELO: Deangelo's open!
Hey, Ry. Your department's killing it, baby.
Hey! My pleasure, my treasure.
Keep it up.
The problem with having it, or, the X factor,
or whatever it is you wanna call it,
is that it's impossible to put into words
what you're bringing to the table.
So, to make things simpler for Deangelo, I just, without lying,
strongly implied that I'm Kelly's supervisor.
It's not even that much of a stretch.
She pretty much does whatever I say.
What? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Why should I pretend that you are my boss?
Because what would you have done in that situation, Kelly?
I'll tell you what I would have done for you. I'd lie for you.
Yeah, but you lie all the time. You lie for no reason.
Ryan, you just like to lie.
I'd die for you, too.
You really would?
Hey, Kelly Kapoor, if I don't have those call logs on my desk,
we're just gonna have to evaluate your future at the company.
Sure thing, Mr. Howard.
Glad he's not my boss.
You're the best, thank you.
You know, I have a cousin who cracked the secret formula
for a certain popular cola that I shall not name.
So I've never had to buy it. True story.
I just drink my cousin's.
Congratulations on your one cousin.
I have 70, each one better than the last.
You know what? Straight up, why don't you like me?
I'm just not a suck up like everyone else around here, okay?
I do my job well, so why don't you just leave me alone,
and let me do it. Okay?
Oh, no.
What... Okay?
I'm gonna win you over. No, you're not.
Yes, I am. No.
Oh, yes. No.
Yes. No.
Yes! No!
Yes! Yes! No! No!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes...
Uh-oh.
This former administrative assistant
misspelled "administrative," and "assistant."
The winner.
Under special skills, Mr. Don Finer put juggling.

What's wrong with juggling, Darryl?
I'm a big juggler.
I actually perform a motivational juggling routine.
Seriously? Oh, yeah.
I'd do it for you here, but...
What would you say this room is? 300 square feet? 320?
Three-twenty, just free-balling it.
It's a little cramped.
How many square feet out there? Seventeen, eighteen hundo?
Oh, I think it's 18 hundo.
GABE: Give or take.
Sorry, gang.
I thought my juggling stuff was in the trunk of my car, but it's not.
Oh, no, do you think it was stolen?
ANDY: I got you covered, boss.
Used to play with the parabolas myself.
Got some extra balls. Hey! Oh!
Sorry, I never touch another juggler's instruments.
You know, we're all here, I've got the music cued.
Why don't I just do my routine without the juggling balls?

Prepare to go into the danger zone.
Oh, wow, you weren't kidding. No, never.
Can someone please throw me a fifth ball? If you dare.
Incoming!
And we're on.
Remember, nothing's impossible.
Phyllis, where's Phyllis?
Here.
Do you believe in me, Phyllis?
Yes. 'Cause I believe in you.
Oh, okay.
Feel that connection?
Don't move your head, please, thank you.
Big hand for Phyllis.
That took a lot of guts.
I'm Deangelo Vickers.
Thank you so much. Hope you learned something.

He didn't drop a single ball.
Look.
I'm juggling eggs and bowling balls.
I'm juggling with one hand.
No hands.
What could he possibly stand to gain from a fake juggling routine?
What could he possibly stand to gain from a real juggling routine?
How can you keep defending him?
He's good at his job, and I like working for him.
Of course you do, Jim. You're a man.
Deangelo is a huge sexist.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I think if he was sexist, I'd be able to tell.
I took a crap load of women's studies courses at Cornell.
And I wrote my own companion piece to The Vagina Monologues,
called The Penis Apologies. So I know a thing or two.
Okay, then how about
I'm the head of the accounting department,
but he only ever talks to Kevin.
What about Pam and Kelly? Also department heads,
but has he ever met with you?
Or even asked you to do anything?
How could I not see it? You're so right.
Why don't you talk to him about it?
And say what? "Hey, Deangelo, are you shy or just a sexist?"
Why don't you just tell him how his actions are being perceived
by the women in this office?
Mmm-hmm.
And if he doesn't listen, then he can kiss his penis goodbye.
Snip-snip. Am I right, girls?
Hey, you got a second?
Yeah, I got tons of time, this job's a joke.
So what's up?
Really, it's nothing. I was just talking to Angela.
And she was...
Hey. Saw Jim come in, are we meeting?
Yeah, sure, let's make it a meeting.
If it's all right, can I just have, like,
one minute alone, just to go over...
What's the big secret? Why are you even whispering?
Come on, it's the guys.
I know, just the guys.
Well, maybe that's part of the problem, I think.
So what happened was I was talking to some of the department heads.
Right.
Some of the female department heads. Uh-oh.
Yeah. JIM: Right?
Hot. Maybe there's a vibe out there
with certain members of the office
that you are a little sexist, or...
Damn! Whoa!
Wait. Are you serious? Who feels this way?
Oh, like, nobody, it was... Pam?
Was it Pam? KEVIN: Oh, my gosh.
That sounds like Pam. You know how she gets.
Deangelo, she can get really bitchy.
KEVIN: Kevin... DEANGELO: Guys.
Hold on. Doesn't matter who, okay?
I'm just happy that Jim brought it to my attention,
because, honestly, I had no idea.
That's awesome. Thank you.
Mom, Ryan's taking us out to dinner tonight.
No, no, he's not gonna stand us up like he did last time.
He won't ever stand us up again.
So I am the new Customer Service supervisor...
When Deangelo's around.
And I'm also a very dutiful boyfriend when...
All the time. All the time.
Erin, do you mind running down to the lobby
and bringing up my brand new executive assistant?
Absolutely. Hey, who'd you end up hiring?
I'm glad you asked, Jim.
Because, apparently, there's a rumor
running around here that I'm a sexist.
Mmm-hmm.
I can't work here effectively if you guys think I'm something that I'm not.
I'm not a sexist.
Raise your hand if you have a vagina.
Raise your hand if someone you love has a vagina.
Yeah, yeah, okay. Just about everyone.
What about Deangelo's hand?
Oh, wow. He's got 'em both up.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Yeah. So it bothers me,
when I hear that there's gossip around here
that I treat women lesser than men.
Okay? Frankly,
we all look a little ridiculous when that happens.
I'm not a feminist,
but I think that the men in this office
are being given chances that the women aren't.
Dwight.
What's your take?
What's the argument here?
NBA, WNBA. One is a sport, one is a joke.
I love sports, I love jokes.
Room for all. Man, you're smart.
Oh, hey! Hi. Hello. Hi.
Welcome. Everyone, I'd like you to please welcome Jordan Garfield.
This is everyone. Hello.
So, Jordan, where did you work before?
A law office?
No, Anthropologie.
"We don't have this and that size." Pretty lame.
Lame? You worked at Anthropologie?
Yeah. That's, like, my dream job.
How did you even get that job?
Well, I... You chose this job over that job?
Okay, okay, back to work, Kelly.
We have a lot to get done today.
So, is this your first office job then?
Yeah. Yup.
Wow. No corporate experience whatsoever.
I didn't want anyone with any bad habits.
KEVIN: Nice.
Jim, are you coming?
Oh, yeah, did he text us? KEVIN: Yeah.
No!
Jim, what are you doing? Get in there.
This is not the time to take a stand, at least he likes one of us.
He didn't text me. Yes!
I'm in.
Andy, what are you doing?
I'm going in into the belly of the beast.
I'm gonna infiltrate and change from within.
What's up, man cave?

Just go in. Hmm?
Just go in, he probably just forgot to text you.
Internally for office use,
where do we get our paper from?
Do we go and...
Do we have that system? Don't worry,
the first day's always the hardest.
Yeah.
Hey, Jim. Yeah?
Can I help you? Nope.
Just...
Okay.
So, he kicked you out of the inner circle, huh?
No, there is no inner circle.
Dwight?
Deangelo wanted me to ask you if there's anything I could help you with?
Really?
Anything?
Do you need anything?
Deangelo?
Tell your whore to leave me alone!
Okay, I do not wanna waste your time, so I will keep this brief!
Now, word on the street is Mercy Hospital,
back on the market.
Deangelo would like you to put together a sales pitch for next week.
Deangelo has also recently learned about the Barnacle Project,
which is a non-profit organization based in Mystic, Connecticut,
that assists in the scraping of barnacles...
So this is my life
until I win the lottery
or Pam finally writes that series of young adult books.
So, one afternoon while walking home from school,
quirky 10th-grader Becky Walters
finds a wounded Pegasus in the woods.
And she becomes "The Horse Flyer."
Hey, Kelly, that's the last time
I'm gonna talk to you about your paycheck, okay?
We pay you a fair salary here and if you're only here for the money,
maybe you shouldn't be here at all.
No one likes a money grubber.
I'm sorry, Mr. Howard. I apologize for grubbing for money...
I can't do this. I can't do this. I'm sorry, I just can't do it.
Deangelo, Ryan is not my boss, okay?
Frankly, he hasn't had a real job here in years.
Whoa!
That's hilarious, Kelly.
No, he's just a big fraud, Deangelo.
He's like Rango.
He doesn't work here, basically,
just like the way Rango didn't save those animals.
It was just a big misunderstanding.
Is this true, Ryan?
I did not see Rango.
Okay, I don't have time for this "he said, she said."
He's not saying anything!
It's too murky.
I like Ryan. You seem kind of hysterical to me.
Ryan's your supervisor. Let's just leave it that way.
But it's not fair. I've been working here for such a long time...

Close call.
Okay, why don't you just finish this stuff up and leave it on my desk
and I will see you at your place around 2:00 a.m.?

DEANGELO: Oh, angry, angry dunk.
Hey.
It sounds like you guys are having a lot of fun,
but it's really loud and some of us are trying to work, so...
Do you think you could do it a little more quietly?
Well, that's gonna be tough because we're getting a dunking clinic
from Magic Jordan himself.
You mean Michael Jordan?
Total brain burp.
I'm no MJ.
Please.
I can do his dunk from free-throw line, though.
Whoa!
Damn! Mad respect from a brother!
The man is paying me to take Chinese. I will say what I need to say.
And soon, I will say it in Chinese.
Okay, well, it's just really loud.
Okay. We'll keep that in mind.
All right, ladies. Back to the game. Do it!
And, Jim, come on in.
You're back in.
You know what? Instead of a game, why don't we do an exhibition?
Love to see that dunk of yours.
Yeah, we'll set that up one day.
Today. Now, maybe.
'Cause we have a hoop downstairs,
and a real ball, so you don't have to mime it.
Yeah, I don't know.
Why not?
Only because
no one has called NASA to request a lift off.

Let's go downstairs, okay? Let's do it.
Pass.
If I wanted to see a pissing contest,
I'd lock Mose in the chicken coop.
Damn it, Dwight, enough!
Get your ass downstairs, or find a new place to sell paper!
DWIGHT: Okay, a little about me.
I respond to strong leadership.
All right, there you go. Seems a little close.
You're sure that's the real foul line?
Fifteen feet from the baseline.
So you need me to move it in?
Nah, that's 15.
Yeah. Okay.
And, you know what, to make it interesting,
Jordan, why don't you sit underneath the basket?
Seriously? Yeah, come on.
I'll dunk over you, best seat in the house.
I don't... I don't think I can do that.
I'm holding your jewelry.
Right, yeah.
Okay, fair enough. Kevin, you do it.
Yes, okay.
Why don't you?
Here?
Someone wanna sit in Kevin's lap?
Angela? No.
Oscar? No, thank you.
Okay, Jimmy, this is for you, to show you that anything is possible.
Fantastic. All right?
Yup. This is also for the troops.
Doctor is in!

Now what?
Deangelo?
Oh, my God, are you all right?
Erin, will you call 911, please? ERIN: Okay.
Who should I say is calling? Erin.

Dry sweat, yeah, I get it.

Okay, we're gonna work on it.