The Office (2005–2013): Season 7, Episode 14 - The Search - full transcript

Sorry, mate. I'm sorry, mate.
Excuse me, mate. What are you...
What are you doing? English?
If you're taking the mickey, you picked on the wrong person.
Let me tell you that. No, I'm not picking on you at all.
You're English, correct? Yeah, big time, yeah.
I'm working on an English character.
Would you mind... It's called Reginald Poofter.
Oh.
David Brent, my liege. How are you?
Michael Scott. Oh, bloody hell.
I do characters as well. I got a Chinese fella.
Not politically correct, but he's called Holy...
That's what it sounds like.
"Herro! Herro!" I do Ping.
"Herro. I'm Ping." You can't do that these days.
You can't. I'm Ping! No.
No, no. And people don't understand
that it has nothing to do with making fun of a different nationality.
No, no, no. No, comedy is a place
where the mind goes to tickle itself.
That's what she said.

That's good. Pleasure to meet you.
Where are you working? Dunder Mifflin.
Any jobs going? No, not right now.
Just let me know. All right.
See you around.
Bye, bye.
What a nice guy.
Your first student is here, Mr. Bernard.
That's actually "Master of Ceremonies" Bernard.
Last year, I went to a seminar
called "The 10 Secrets of Real Estate."
Turns out it was just a ploy to sell me timeshares in Idaho.
Cut to, you know, I'm spending a weekend in Boise,
terrible time, super lonely.
But I get to thinking,
maybe I should put on my own seminar to lure clients.
Oh.
Hello, I am here for the small business seminar.
Michael? Nein, I'm Greek!
My name is Mykonos.
Ooh.
Oh.
Wait, Michael?
Michael? Okay.
I am the plant.
Every great seminar has one.
My job is to make the speaker look good,
and I do this through the techniques of leading questions
and laughing at all jokes.
And the character, Mykonos, is just a little added flavor.
Mykonos is loosely based on another character I do, Spiros,
who is more about the ladies.
Thank you so much, Tuna Turner.
You are simply the best.
Listen, this isn't a favor, all right?
This is a good idea. We all win.
Go higher. All right.
I get super flexible when I'm nervous.
Wow.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Hey, Andy, I'm really, really sorry to do this to you,
but I have a meeting today
that I totally forgot,
so I can't be a part of this seminar.
No! What?
You can't do that. You are a critical part of this seminar.
You're the charming warm-up guy. I know.
If the seminar was a meal, you'd be the amuse-bouche.
You signal the flavors of the whole night. I'm really sorry. I can't do it.
You can't. You can't.
I can't have this go badly.
I'm a terrible salesman,
and I haven't been making very many sales lately, or ever.
This is my only idea on how to turn things around.
If it goes badly, I might lose my job,
which would suck, because this is the only job I've ever been good at.
Will you let me know when this whole seminar thing's over?
What's going on? Do you know that guy?
I just have a meeting, outside the office.
Hey.
How are the marks?
What are some of your small business ideas?
I was thinking we could buy up a bunch of abandoned mineshafts.
ALL:
That's great. There's a big,
big future in that. WOMAN: A lot of mines in Scranton.
DWIGHT: Um, what about you?
Uh, credit cards. Uh-huh.
My company will act as an inter-medium
for, like, 0.2 cents off every transaction.
Wow!
Or something with cell phones,
like, every time you make a phone call, I'd make 0.2 cents.
Or anything. Like, any online shopping, I get 0.2 cents basically.
Right. Okay? Yeah.
Okay.
You promised us whales. These are worms.
They're not worms, Dwight, okay?
They're just people with tiny businesses.
They're baby whales, which is even cuter. I'm out.
Stanley, you're supposed to close.
I'm out, too.
What?
I already lost Jim.
Salesmen are supposed to help each other out.
We're supposed to be a team.
We're no more a team
than the people staying in the same hotel are a team.
You know what might be kind of fun?
I was thinking, you know, Andy's having a seminar today?
What if we went in as a Greek couple?
Mykonos and... Oh, I don't know, Michael.
I'm not feeling up to that. Okay.
MICHAEL: Holly broke up with A. J. last week,
which is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
To Holly, it's been the worst week of her life,
and I know for a fact that there was a week for her in High School
when she got mono and her first period ever.
Too much information? That's what I thought.
But you know what? Here I am using it.
If you change your mind, why don't you talk to Mykonos?
Is Mykonos Greek? He sounds Italian.
Ugh. You're the fifth person to tell me that today.
Maybe Mykonos ran away to join the Italian circus.
Okay, yeah, like a character history.
Good. Tom Hanks does that.
Yeah.
Is "JLP" a word?
"Jelp?" J-E-L-P? No, J-L-P.
Like, "I Jlp... I Jlp you!"
I don't think that's a word.
I'm playing scrabble with Gabe,
and I've never won a game.
The winner gets to pick the movie we watch. I have won no games.
So far I've seen The Shining,
Rosemary's Baby, The Ring.
Not really my thing.
Although, I... I do like the early parts of the movies
where they have a perfect family and everything.
You want some help?
Really?
Mmm-hmm.
Yes.
K-A. "Ka?" What does "ka" mean?
It means you're playing someone who's going to destroy you.
Why did you play "moo?"
Because I'm playing to win.
I'm playing "moo," I'm playing "milk," whatever it takes.
Okay, but look, you could have hit "mood."
Would have played a... A triple word. Ah.
Like the cow mood yesterday.
God.
Or moon.
The cow jumped over the moon.
She's stuck on that one thing.
You know it doesn't have to just be cow stuff, right?
Kevin, Jim dropped out of my seminar, and I'm just...
I was wondering if you could replace him as my charming warm-up guy.
Andy, I'm no Jim. I'm...
The only way that I'm Jim is in the movie version
when Jim sees what his future would be like if he never met Pam.
Hey, that's crazy talk. I think you're great.
Then I won't let you down.
Pink. Indigo.
Hi, Ryan, you went to business school, right?
Yeah. I need somebody
to talk to this seminar about business.
And? Can you do it?
Okay.
I don't... I don't like committing to things just like that.
So, no?
No, I don't like committing to not doing things, either.
That's just as big a commitment. Oh, baby.
What do I put you down for, bro hombre?
Yes.
All right! Yes, I'll do it.
Okay, thank you so much. It's gonna be awesome.
And if I flake, I flake. What?
Kevin, you open it up. Yep.
Ryan, you come in with your small biz expertise, right?
And then Creed, guest speaker extraordinaire.
And then I come in and just close all the sales and stuff.
Okay, here we go.
One, two, three!
Team! Creed!
Welcome everybody. Awesome to see you guys.
My name's Andy Bernard, but you can call me "The Nard Dog."
Hi, Nard Dog. I'm Lu Peachem.
Let's get things started, shall we?
You guys ready to hear from the Dunder Mifflin business experts?
Good. Well, as you can see on your program,
first up is a speech called, "Don't just dream it, do it."
Yes! Please give a big hand to Mr. Kevin Malone.

Four, five.
Yes!
There are some people who have charm
and some people who don't.
Guess which type I am.
Charm type.
Dream big. Right?
So, what I want you to do
is dream the biggest that you can.

And then double it!
Are you okay? No. Yes!
Here. Mmm-hmm.
I'm fine.
Okay, from here now.
The first lesson that I'm gonna teach you,
right, is about finding success.
And the key to finding success is to picture a winner.

Okay, so then, what are you picturing right now,
right this second?
'Cause the universe is yours, people.
Get out of the way.
I'm really excited to introduce you guys to Ryan Howard.
He has achieved a great deal in the last...
But perhaps no achievement is greater
than his on-again, off-again girlfriend.
What are you...
Who am I?
I'm Kelly Kapoor, the business bitch.
It is important to brand yourself,
so I have a couple of things in the works.
The business bitch, the diet bitch,
the shopping bitch, the etiquette bitch.
I could sit here, and I could tell you the 10 secrets of business,
and you would have a great time,
and you would learn a lot.
But who better to tell you
than the Yale University adjunct professor in management,
Professor Scott Powell, who I have on my BlackBerry.
It's ringing.
MAN: Hey, Kelly Kapoor.
What a delicious surprise.
Professor Powell, you are on speakerphone.
Uh, why?
Do you think you could tell us the 10 secrets of business?
Um, there aren't really 10 secrets.
Come on, Scott, please. It's me.
Uh, all right. Well,
Uh, I guess know your market would be key.
Practice fiscal discipline.
That brilliant little bitch.
A little treat for our old friend, Gabe.
Put that "Q" right there.
Wait. Why?
Put the "Q" there, sweetie.
I think there's better... Put the "Q" there!

Sorry I yelled.
You could have just told us what you were thinking.
There's no theater in that.
There's no yelling in that, either. Well...
What do you do in your free time?
Practice Olympics.
Do you like movies?
I like the musical Grease,
or as we call it, "home."
We have to try this out on somebody.

Hello.
Look, you want to order something?
She will have a greekaccino.
I don't know what that is.
It...
It's a very strong coffee with milk from a goat.
I can't believe it.
It's a miracle. She can talk.
No more brain damage.
No more brain damage!

I don't know.
Ladies and gentlemen, our special guest speaker will provoke you.
He will inspire you.
He is...
Creed Bratton.
Two eyes, two ears,
a chin, a mouth,
ten fingers, two nipples,
a butt, two kneecaps, a penis.
I have just described to you the Loch Ness monster.
And the reward for its capture?
All the riches in Scotland.
So I have one question, why are you here?
Okay! All right, ladies and gentlemen,
it is now time for the rarest of things,
an actual free lunch.
There's sandwiches in the back. Certainly help yourselves.
We'll meet back up in an hour.
I picked out our movie. It's called Suspiria.
It pushes all the boundaries.
All your preconceived notions about what horror can be, come crashing down.
When I win,
we're gonna watch Wall-E,
where all the boundaries of color are pushed.
GABE: It is hard to explain why Erin is doing so well today.
The only thing I can think is Erin is living out
some Slumdog Millionaire scenario,
where every word she's playing has a connection to her orphan past.
It's possible.
So what's your crazy business pipe dream?
Well, I started my own golf supply company.
Really? It's taken off faster than I expected,
so I came here to learn about creating manageable growth.
Phyllis?
Some of these people are for real.
Hey, friend. How's it going?
Oh, you know what? Let me steep that for you.
Thank you. Hey, you know what?
Good news. We're back in.
Let's go sell some paper, buddy. Huh?
Really?

Excuse me. I got it. I got it.
Hey, do you need a lozenge?
They're a bunch of jackals.
What?
They left you in the lurch,
and if they want to jump in, it means you're almost there.
You did this.
Bring it home.
Let me tell you what you can do with your offer to help.
You can table it and offer it up another time.
Just know that I really appreciate the gesture.
Hi. Hope you enjoyed your lunch.
Welcome back.
Ooh, well, hello.
Welcome to the seminar.
Hey, man. What's going on?
You're gonna blow it.
Maybe. Only maybe.
We got it.
Wow, we got it.

Oscar, wait. I think the victory would be more meaningful
if Erin puts the last word in herself.
Yes, Pam. Yes, most definitely.
Yes. Yes.
No.

Although I must say, I will have apoplexy if you lose.
Do you understand? Apoplexy is what I will have.
Apoplexy. Yes.
Got it.



Oh, Oscar.
Oscar?
I played "ape."
I just want to make a point to that last caller. I disagree.
I don't think it is the running game at all.
I think we do have to make a few moves in this off-season.
Wow!
What a day, right?
Guess you guys are probably ready to go.
And you got my business card, so...
You know, I like you.
I'm going to give you my secret gyro recipe.
Come out here, since it's a secret, and I'll tell you.
All right, you have to close right now.
Yeah, I'm getting to it.
No, you're not. You're getting past it.
You have to close. Do it. You can do it.
Yeah, yeah.
Andy, what's the problem?
This is hard for me. I'm a nice guy.
You know, Kelly and Creed, Kevin,
they believe in you.
Don't let them down.
Don't let yourself down, Andy.
I'm gonna go back in. I'm going to stall them for a little bit.
I want you to get your head together, and then come back in.
I want you to close.
MICHAEL: What is taking that guy so long?
Psst!
You think this thing's gonna go much longer?
I don't know. They're still in there.
Goodbye. Stop.
Out with it.
Here's the story.
That guy in there is Jim's childhood friend, Tom.
Tom Witashkin.
One of my best buddies, actually.
And when they were both in the third grade,
Jim was placed in the top reading group.
JIM: I was blue group, so I was second from the top.
PAM: And Tom... Was in green group.
And Jim's mom suggested
that Jim spend time hanging with the kids in his reading group,
because she thought that they would be a good influence.
And that's what I told him. Right.
But how'd you say it?
"My mom thinks you're too dumb to hang out with."
Okay, who would like to purchase
this small business package from me right now?
Yes, we got one.
Okay, the snowball is rolling.
Who else?
You can put it off for a couple of days,
but I guarantee you,
eventually you're gonna realize you need this.
So the only thing that's gonna be different
is you'll be a couple of days behind
where you would be if you bought this from me right now.
So who's gonna buy one right now?
I'll take one. Yes! Awesome!
All right, anyone else?
Sold! Anybody else?
Yes! All right!
Yeah, bitch. ANDY: Good choice.
The rest of you are dead to me.
You made the stupidest decisions of your life.
No, no, no.
But it was a pleasure meeting you,
and you've got my information, so feel free to call anytime.

Hey, you think it's coo I if I grab a soda? Yeah.
Yep, absolutely, go ahead.
Hey.
Hey. Hey.
How's it going? Pretty good. Good.
It's been a while. It has been, yeah.
So you work here, huh?
Sales.
Must be a front for some kind of famous laboratory.

'Cause you're so smart.
Oh, man. You remember that, huh?
Barely. I'm so dumb,
you know, stuff goes in, stuff goes out.
Not like you probably remember every paper sale you ever made.
Paper salesman genius.
All right, good catch-up.
Yeah. See you.
Where's your jetpack, Zuckerberg?
Andy.
I didn't think you had it in you.
Well, I guess when you looked in me,
you forgot about my balls. They're on the outside.
Don't know how you missed 'em.
Wonderful seminar!
Almost as good
as the day when we first met.
You are the love of my life.
Come to me, Necropolis.
Put your lips on my lips. Come on.
Michael, I should get back to work.
What? Come on. It's time for grapes.
That was a fun day.
So, I won.
I know. You get to pick.
Well, that's actually what I came to talk to you about.
I know how much you want to watch Wall-E.
Yes? So I got us a compromise.
This movie is called Hardware,
it tells the story of a killer combat robot, just like Wall-E,
that the government invented to destroy humans.
It's some of what you like and some of what I like. And...
Erin, I heard you talking about movies before and...
Anyway, I just watched this over the weekend.
I thought you'd really like it.
There's a Shrek 2?
Oh, yeah.
See you tomorrow.
Nice guy.
Ooh.