The Office (2005–2013): Season 6, Episode 15 - Sabre - full transcript

Oh, yeah! I've got a big box, yes I do!
I've got a big box, how about you?
I've got a big box, yes I do, I've got a big box, how about you?
I think you don't know what you're saying.
It is "from Sah-bray," our new owner, and it is "to Sah-bray." Us!
I wonder what's inside. Scissor me.
Dunder Mifflin was recently bought
by an electronics company named Sah-bray.
They stepped in at the eleventh hour and they saved our asses.
Although David Wallace said that we were the one branch
that was actually working right,
so we probably could've saved our own asses.
We didn't need them touching our asses.
Wow!
Awesome.
For Accounting, a brand new printer,
and for the sales staff, a new fax machine.
This cord has Creed written all over it.
And whoever would like a brand new scanner
can come visit it in my office. Thank you.
Here we go.
Cool. What next?
Guys, um, who's Gabe?
This note says to put the box aside
for a Gabe Lewis, who's coming tomorrow.
Okay, everybody, listen up. I have some bad news.
Due to circumstances beyond my control...
Impulsivity and inattention to detail...
Hey, hey.
I have opened a box which should not have been opened...
Terrible mistake. ...and distributed things
which should not have been distributed.
Un-distributable.
Well, maybe we can put the box back together.
Impossible. He opened it like an ape.
I think we can do it.
Yeah, yeah.
Did we try printer first, shredder at an angle?
Yeah. Fax cable, then the scanner upside-down?
Yes.
Have you tried making everything smaller?
And...
Wow! Really nice job!
This group of people, when they put their minds together,
they can do something great.
And I think that you should all be proud of yourselves.
Oh, Michael!
All right, relax. We can do it. We just did it.
So, we can do this again. Erin, scissor me, please?
No, don't!
Thank you. Oh! Got it. Okay.
All right, he's on his way up. Okay, we ready?
What do you want us to do?
Why do I have to explain everything?
Because we're usually not on the same page.
Oh. Okay.
And to you.
Gabe seems tall. Hope we get along.
I had a very good thing going with David Wallace.
He was a good guy. He was somebody I could trust.
There he is. You can really see
that he is okay taking a picture with me,
even though I was there for disciplinary reasons.
Welcome. Scranton hotdog from Scranton?
You know what, Dwight? Let's give him a minute to settle in.
Shall we? Okay.
Hi. My name is Gabe Lewis.
I am Coordinating Director for Emerging Regions.
Hello, Gabe. I am Michael Scott, co-manager.
This is my protégé, Jim Halpert.
Co-manager, actually.
In training.
Trained. Loving it. Good at it, so...
We are very impressed with this branch,
and we are so excited about this merger.
We're very excited, too, aren't we, guys?
Right? - So excited.
We have a little song prepared for you.
Actually, if you don't mind,
I would love to put this on the Sabre website.
Sabre.
Sabre. Sabre. It's Sabre.
It's Sabre. Oh. Of course.
Sabre.
Good. Take it away, guys.
Okay.
Hopped off the train in Scranton, PA
Another cloudy gray afternoon
Jumped in the cab Here you are for the first time
Look to the right And you see the Electric City sign
This is gonna be a good day For Dunder Mifflin and Sah-bray
Sabre. It's Sabre.
Dunder Mifflin and Sabre
So yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Dunder Mifflin is a part of Sah-bray
So yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Dunder Mifflin is a part of Sabre
Dunder Mifflin is a part of Sabre
You sure it's Sabre?
Hey. Thank you.
Hey, we should be fine if we leave around 11:20.
Oh, you MapQuested it. It's four blocks away.
Well, now we won't get lost.
Or we could drive, and that takes one minute.
We found a great local daycare.
It's rated really high by all the local parenting websites,
but that means it's also really hard to get into.
Turns out a lot of parents want the very best for their children.
That's weird.
We're hoping our interview seals the deal.
But if not, there's always the Army.
The infantry.
Okay. Okay. Yeah.
So you've just been bought by Sabre.
You've probably got a lot of questions.
Hi, I'm Christian Slater. What's it like to work for Sabre?
Let's find out together.
Working at Sabre means taking on the challenge
of the road that rises to meet you.
Sabre is respecting the past, but opening the window to the future.
Have you ever tasted a rainbow? At Sabre, you will.
You'll find it easy to embrace the Sabre spirit. Welcome.
We're very excited to go on this journey with you.
So, you've been shown a nonsensical video.
You're probably wondering, "What's going on?" Well, you're not alone.
Wow. Really terrific.
Most of our business comes from selling printers,
so don't think of yourselves as paper salesmen anymore,
but as printer salesmen who also sell paper.
Perfect.
No. Don't like that.
At Sabre, we really encourage honest communication.
You should always feel free to express your thoughts...
Talk about vacation days!
We have a policy here at Sabre
where we are allowed to take two weeks.
But I banked six weeks.
I already booked a Great Lakes cruise.
Hey, who the hell's going through our stuff?
Actually, that's Nick. He's your new IT guy.
He's setting up a site blocker,
mostly blocking the inappropriate sites,
and then there are the time-wasting sites like Twitter, YouTube.
We are blocking those as well.
No. Don't like that.
Okay, did everyone get one?
With these bottles, we eliminate the need for plastic water bottles,
which are the scourge of the environment.
We will still get to use the little cups, though, right?
Little cups? Like paper or plastic?
I don't know what they're made of.
They're two-ounce paper cups dipped in plastic. He goes through 20 a day.
Okay. Well, I bet you could fit
20 little cups of water in your aluminum bottle.
You know what can't fit in a bottle
are the 20 little trips I take to the cooler,
and the 20 little scans I do of everybody
to make sure everything's running smoothly,
and the 20 little conversations that I have with Stanley.
That's okay.
There is a small part of me that is actually
very excited about this new company.
But 70% of me is water, and the other part, the real part,
the part that has feelings and emotions
and thoughts and makes decisions,
and, if I can be crass, makes babies,
that part thinks that all of these changes suck...
Really?
You don't have enough water in there? Your stomach?
What?
Looks like we kicked it.
I miss the old Dunder Mifflin.
Too much change is not a good thing. Ask the climate.
I don't want to appear ungrateful
for everything Sabre is doing for us.
I don't get that sense at all from you, so...
Well, you should have a little,
but it's great that you don't,
because I am trying to embrace all of these changes.
But I'm... I'll be honest, I'm having trouble
wrapping my head around a couple of them.
Which ones?
All of them.
Well, I wish that I could do something,
but it's kind of policy, you know?
Above my pay grade.
So, maybe we should call. We should call someone.
I could help. I'm good with bosses. Call one of the higher ups?
You know what? Let me see what I can do.
Okay, this is officially the cutest thing I've ever seen.
Cubbies! I totally forgot about cubbies.
There's a finger-painting station and a curly slide.
Am I too old to go here?
Oh!
Adorable, right?
I walked in on someone in the bathroom. What?
I just walked in on someone in the bathroom.
Who? I don't know.
The guy we're meeting with? I don't know.
I don't know, I don't know.
I am telling you, there are no strawberries in here.
Well, I saw them in there.
Well, maybe they ran away 'cause the pizza was, like,
"Hey, get out of here, you stupid strawberries."
I think when Andy finally asks me out,
he's gonna try to top what he did with the drum line.
I can't wait to see what he comes up with.
The ball is totally in Erin's court,
after the whole drum line thing.
First let me say, I told them everything that you wanted me to say
in just the way you wanted me to say it, so...
Gabe, honey, I love this, I love the sound of your voice,
but I really need some new information now.
Okay. I told the story of your uncle,
and I have a feeling that you would've really,
really been proud of the way... Okay.
Wait a minute, who is it? Who's there? What?
Is there somebody in the room with you?
I want to see who it is. Turn me around.
I don't. It's just...
Turn me around. Now.
Hey, buddy? Was it something I said?
Hello. No. My name's Michael Scott. Hello.
Well, hello, Mr. Scott, pleased to meet you.
Nice to meet you. We are very excited about the merger with Sabre.
I think you have a great accent.
Thank you. I've been working on it since I was a little girl.
To what do I owe the pleasure of this video chat?
Well, I am a little concerned about all these changes, to be quite frank.
I think we have done things a certain way here at Dunder Mifflin
for quite some time.
Pardon. Pardon me, Mr. Scott,
but the last time I saw a company
as mismanaged as Dunder Mifflin
was my grandson's snowball company,
so you'll excuse me if I'd prefer
that you all adapt to the way we do things.
Okay. I feel very strongly that you can't just come in here
and change everything that people have been doing forever.
Is Christian Slater back there? Because he knows...
He'd know what to do.
So listen, why don't you tell Gabe
if by the end of the day you can't handle the changes?
I've already told him, but I will tell him again, if you think that'll help.
I would take until the end of the day if I were you.
Pam and Jim? Hey. I'm Jerry.
Hi, Jerry.
Jerry.
Good to see you. Come on in.
My office is right back here.
This is the playroom.
This is great.
Gotta confess, we came a little early,
so we got a quick look around, but...
So you saw it already.
No. Yes, we saw this, yes.
No, it wasn't like a look around,
we really just had a peek. Quick peek.
Didn't focus on anything in particular. It's lovely.
Gotta take this, sorry. - Do it.
Hi, this is Jerry.
Okay, you've gotta pull it together.
We should just go. He's really uncomfortable.
He's uncomfortable because you're acting weird,
so you have to stop acting weird.
What if we just bring it up? We'll just put it out in the open?
That's the weirdest possible solution to the problem.
Sorry about that. Right this way.
All right.
I have come here today to talk to Mr. David Wallace
about this whole thing going on with Sabre.
He will know exactly what to do.
He is not a big fan of me dropping by unannounced,
but then again, who is?
Hey. Hi. Michael!
Sorry, I hope you're not busy doing something.
No, you kidding? Come on in. Come on in. You sure?
You look great. You look great, too.
You hungry? I'm just having lunch.
Oh, yeah, that sounds good.
Teddy, look who just stopped in.
Hey. - Hey.
Hey! Wow. That's very loud. Keep it up, son!
Wow. Oh, yummy!
You have got the life, my friend. Yeah.
Can I just stay here and never go back?
Things not going so well over there?
Oh, man! How much time do you have?
I have a doctor's appointment next Thursday.
Yeah?
Hey, honey, how's your day going? Did you do anything cool?
No, sweetie, I just hung out.
'Cause I saw you had shoes on,
so I didn't know if you did anything.
No, just hanging out, hon. You remember Michael?
Hi. Sorry, I was just in the neighborhood
and thought I'd come by and say...
No problem at all. This is great.
So, what are you guys up to?
I don't know. Maybe...
Actually, you know, I think maybe we'll go outside.
Maybe... We'll go outside? Go outside.
There was one thing we were curious about.
Your flexibility on things like Easter or Memorial Day,
because we might want to change our days around a little bit.
That seems a bit premature, don't you think?
I don't even know if I have a space for you yet,
and you're already lining up your holiday plans.
No, sorry, we're kind of planners, but we're also flexible, too,
so you know what?
Maybe we can just discuss it when the time comes.
Yeah. If the time comes, we can discuss it.
Is this because Jim walked in on you going to the bathroom?
What?
Seriously? You told her?
Did it... It might have come up
while we were waiting for you.
And you thought that might have something
to do with how the meeting is going?
No, I didn't... Maybe, because it doesn't seem
to be going super well.
You didn't consider the fact that it might not be going super well
just because it might not be going super well?
No, 'cause we're really nice people,
but you don't seem to like us.
I'm being perfectly pleasant.
Did you ever consider that you might not be
as charming as you think you are?
This coming from the guy who still uses a children's toilet.
Why didn't you just lock the door, man?
It doesn't lock for the children's safety.
Anybody could have walked in.
It was story time.
Sabre is changing everything. Site blockers, they don't let us use cups.
So I started thinking, who could handle this?
Who would know what to do?
David Wallace would know what to do.
What should I do, David Wallace?
I don't know. What can you do?
Mmm! Exactly. What are you thinking?
It's a tough one.
It is a tough one.
I don't have any ideas for you.
Yeah, but one would be good.
Hey, okay, wait.
Okay.
I want to tell you about a business idea I have.
Okay. Okay.
You know how kids leave their toys everywhere? Right?
So this is a vacuum. It's like a Shop-Vac type of thing.
Teaches kids how to pick up their own toys. Right?
Baseball gloves, Hacky Sacks,
drumsticks... Picks it up.
So the kid's making the noise to pick it up?
Yeah. No.
No, no, that's the vacuum noise.
Okay.
You don't like it.
No, I think it's...
No, it's okay.
Another guy from Dunder Mifflin, Arnie from Research,
he's gonna draw up the prototype, and...
It's like a Shop-Vac. Did I say that?
Yep.
It'll be okay.
Hey, any fun weekend plans?
No. You?
No, actually.
So, nothing?
No movies or parties
or anything you might want to invite someone to?
Nothing. It's wide open.
Okay.
That's as hard as I can hint.
Hey, you know, if you want, I'm sure I could get Arnie onboard,
if you want to join us for Suck lt.
Work together again.
The what?
"Suck lt." That's what it's called.
Oh! Okay.
Huh? Catchy.
Kid's will love it. I like it.
There are very few things that would make me
not want to team up with David Wallace,
and Suck It is one of them.
See you later. Oh, Michael.
I know.
Thank you for coming.
Thanks for having me.
Well, that's not the David Wallace that I remember.
That was some sort of weird creature
that lives in David Wallace's house.
Oh, my God. All right! Just get me out of here.
Hello! Is anybody home?
Thank you, Erin.
Now, if everyone would please ready their canteens
so I can fill them
with the sweet, sweet nectar of Gabe's homeland
and then propose a toast. Here we go.
You know when people say getting fired
was the best thing that ever happened to them?
I feel sorry for those people.
That? The best thing? Really?
Well, I'm not really one for making speeches.
Yes, you are. Since when?
You make a lot.
But I feel pretty good right now.
I really do. A lot better than I did earlier, let me tell you.
That's your toast?
No, this is my toast.
I think this whole thing with Sabre is gonna work out.
I have a very good feeling about it.
Michael, this isn't a toast, you're just thinking out loud.
Here's my toast.
Orange juice is in here,
and like Sabre, it is from Florida, and it is good.
Just 'cause you have liquid, that doesn't make it a toast.
Here's the toast. I'm gonna do it now.
Raise your container to us and to Sabre.
To us and to Sabre. Hear, hear.
Mmm.
Wow, that is metallicy. That's like drinking a battery.
Really gets you in the fillings, doesn't it? Okay, anyway, welcome.
Well, it's a mess, what a mess
What you gonna do
You're gonna take out your Suck It And you'll suck it, suck it
Take out your Suck It and you'll suck it
Suck it Yeah
Suck it Yeah
Suck it Yeah
Take out my Suck It and we'll Suck it
Yeah Suck it
Yeah. Take out my Suck It and we'll suck it Take out, suck it
Yeah
Teddy! Dad!