The Office (2005–2013): Season 5, Episode 11 - The Duel - full transcript

Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.

I'm sorry, he's not in yet.

Would you like his voicemail?

Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Okay.

Twelve miles an hour.

Eat that, Carl Lewis!

Angela made several
911 calls about cars

going too fast in front of the building,

so the police put up
a radar gun.

It's actually caused a
bit of a traffic hazard.



Wow, 13.

- No, no, no.
- Yeah!

There was wind.
I was just jogging.

Dwight, there was wind.
I want a do over.

No, no, no, it's not your turn.
All right, 13 is the new number.

Oscar, go ahead.

I want another try.
Here we go!

Thirty-one! 31!

There was a car.

I was ahead of the car.
Thirty-one is my new number.

Thirty-one is
humanly impossible.

Go, Oscar.
Thirty-one is my number.

That's impossible.
Beat it!

Today's a big day.
My presence has been requested



by Chief Financial Officer,
David Wallace.

He says that he wants to
talk about big picture stuff,

and, I'll be honest, I have
little or no idea what that means.

So, probably bad.

Quick announcement.
New year, new candy.

Okay, be careful, Kevin.
They're kind of spicy.

Hot Tamales.

Yeah.
Uh-oh.

So maybe just try one at first,

and then if it's okay,
have a couple more.

Excuse me, everyone,
can I have the floor, please?

Um...

This is insanely awkward.

It's kind of the elephant
in the room, so I'll just...

No one has RSVPed
to our wedding yet,

and the deadline was yesterday.

Wait, you still don't know...

No, no. No.

Hmm?

Nothing.
You still don't know...

Why don't... Let's...
What are you doing?

How about we just...
I just have to talk to you for a second.

Andy. Has...
Ah.

No. No one has RSVPed,

and I don't understand it,
and now you're shutting me out.

You're not even listening, and
that's really considerate. Thank you.

No, what I'm saying...
No, no.

No, that's not...
I know...

Andy still doesn't know that Angela
is having an affair with Dwight.

And it's been 17 days.

I mean, eventually
he'll figure it out

when their kids have giant
heads and beet-stained teeth.

But right now,
it's just awkward.

How can he still not know?

We can't figure that out.
I can't take it anymore.

Wait, what?
You can't take what?

I'm telling Andy, Dwight.

No, you can't do that.
Yes.

It shouldn't come from you.
Who should it come from, then?

Angela.
Angela.

From Angela.
Angela.

Are you still having
intercourse with her?

What is wrong with you?
She is engaged.

Did you ever have
intercourse in this office?

Are you serious?

Where?

Where?

Where, Dwight?

Seems like you
already know where.

Kevin, you screwed
this form up again.

The amount owed goes at the top.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize I was
doing something wrong.

If I had, I would have admitted
it and stopped right away.

That's enough.

Because I wouldn't want
an innocent person

who doesn't know anything
about the form...

What?

That was good.

It's just at the end you
weren't saying something

that could also
apply to the form.

How about,

"I'm sorry I did such a whorish
job filling out this form"?

There you go.

That cannot be true!

You're going to charge me
a fee to cut my own cake?

No, no, no, no.

What I'm saying is
I want to cut it myself.

Trade seats with me.

No.

I've got a better angle on Pam.

I can see everything.

Please stop.

I need a soup spoon.

Rule 17, don't turn your
back on bears, men you have wronged,

or the dominant turkey
during mating season.

There are 40 rules all Schrute boys
must learn before the age of five.

Learn your rules
You better learn your rules

If you don't you'll
be eaten in your sleep

What is it?

You've gotta tell Andy about us.

That is a terrible idea.
One of your worst.

Get it over with.
Then we don't have to hide anymore.

You're expanding
on your worst idea.

Do you love me or not?

I've already admitted that I do.

Why do you keep
making me repeat it?

Because you're engaged to Andy.

Well?

Not yet.
When?

When what?

When what?

You know this can't go on.

What can't go on?
We have to put an end to this.

- Seems like...
- Come on.

You guys should be
hearing what I'm saying.

This is really not how
this is supposed to happen.

Angela said she was gonna tell him.
She's just not ready.

When will she be ready?
I don't know.

Is she crazy in bed?
Yes.

Stop. What?
How so, specifically?

Okay, listen.

This shouldn't happen at work.
Eager and flexible.

And...
Really?

This shouldn't be
coming from his boss.

And we should also consider the fact
that that man has an anger issue.

Too late.
Well, it's not too late

'cause you haven't done anything.
I am already walking.

Michael, once this gets out... Yes?

I don't know how
it's gonna go down.

Okay, what does that mean?

Might get ugly.

Jim, this has to get out
so we can all deal with it.

But you're leaving.

Have a good trip.
Thanks.

Andy?
Yeah?

Walk with me.

Will do, boss man.

I do not have much time.

Car's all the way over there.

To tell you what I have to tell you.

And just bear in mind that
when I say these things

that are bad things that
you hear in your ears,

this is something that I,

if I were you,
that I wouldn't want to hear.

You're not making any sense.

Well, no, I'm not.

So I, I'm not
very articulate today,

so I'll just leave it
for another time.

Another day.
All righty.

Which will be fine.
I am off.

Have a good meeting.
Thank you.

Kick Wallace's ass.

Okay, I will.

Dwight and Angela are
having an affair, so...

I can't hear you
through the glass.

Dwight and Angela
are having an affair.

They've been sleeping
together for some time.

That was the news.
I wanted to let you know.

What?
All right. See you later.

Are you serious?
Yeah.

I knew something bad
was gonna happen today.

You said that yesterday.

Yeah, my neighbor got murdered.

What are you standing for?

If I'm sitting,
I can't disable his neck or his groin.

You're not gonna do anything
to his neck or his groin.

If I'm sitting,
I don't have the option to.

Dwight, I'm in charge while Michael's
gone, and I need you to sit.

I need to talk to you.

We can talk right here.

I need to talk to you
in private.

We're not listening.

Let's go to the conference room.

Is it true?

What have you heard?
That you're sleeping with Dwight.

That doesn't sound like me.

Is it true?

Andy, I'm engaged to you.

I mean, we just signed off
on our wedding flowers.

Would I have said yes
to formal chrysanthemums

if I didn't want to get married?

And we went through all that
stuff with our wedding cake.

Just answer the question.
Are you sleeping with Dwight?

A little bit.

How long has this been going on?

I don't know.

I mean, we were together,
and then he killed Sprinkles,

and then we stopped and...

I don't know exactly
when we started up again.

Who else knows about it?

Michael.

Who else?

Let me think about it.
I, um...

They're...

Oh, God.

Come on!

So listen, Michael,
your branch has been doing great lately,

and your sales staff is
reporting very strong numbers.

Outperforming last year,
in fact.

And I don't know
exactly how to put this,

but what are you doing right?

Right what?

Utica, Albany,
all the other branches are struggling,

but your branch is
reporting strong numbers.

Look, you're not
our most traditional guy,

but clearly something
you are doing is right,

and I just...
I need to get a sense of what that is.

David, here it is.
My philosophy is basically this.

And this is something
that I live by,

and I always have,
and I always will.

Don't ever, for any reason,
do anything to anyone

for any reason ever,
no matter what, no matter where,

or who, or who you are with,
or where you are going,

or where you've been

ever,

for any reason whatsoever...

Sometimes I'll start a sentence and
I don't even know where it's going.

I just hope I find it along the way.

Like an improv conversation.

An improvisation.

This is gonna sound
sort of high maintenance,

but could we have it, like,
three degrees cooler in here?

I always think better
when it's cooler.

Here's the thing,
Michael is doing something right,

and in this economic climate,

no method of success
can be ignored.

It's not really a time for executives
to start getting judgmental now.

It's Hail Mary time.

Hey, what say
we order up some pasta?

What say we do.

Standard, you know.
Nothing fancy.

So, like, missionary?

I said nothing fancy.

Do you love him?

I love you.

Why should I believe that?

Andy, we are at
a crossroads here,

and we can either give in
to what people are saying,

that we're not good together...

Who says that?

Or we can prove them wrong.

Let's prove them wrong.

Where's Dwight?

You okay, man?

No, not at all, actually.
But thanks for asking. Appreciate it.

You know what?
I'd also like to take this opportunity

to thank all of you
for lying to my face

and not telling me what's been
going on this entire time.

You are welcome.

Dwight.

Andy.

It's over.

Good.
She broke up with you.

No, it's over between you two.

No way.
I am not giving up.

You have to.
No, I don't.

She doesn't love you.
She's marrying me.

Well, I don't know about that

because she certainly seems to
enjoy making lovemaking with me.

Angela Bernard...

Will never be her name.

Will be her name and you
will have to call her that.

I don't think so.

Hey, guys.
Why don't we just cool off a bit?

I'm telling you to back down.

And I'm telling you that
I will never back down.

Then I'll make you.

Oh, really? How are
you going to do that?

Through the use of force.

That is very general

and does not scare me
in the slightest.

I will fight you.

Nope.
Okay, fine. Good! A duel.

The winner gets Angela.
Fine!

Fine!
This is nuts.

What is your weapon?
Okay, you know what?

That's enough because...

Hey, this is none
of your business.

Hey, it is my business
what happens at work.

Guess what?
Not happening at work. Yes.

We're gonna do it outside.
Outside of work.

None of your business.
None of your business, then.

Good, so what weapon?

My bare hands.

That is stupid. I will use a sword,
and I will cut off your bare hands.

Then I'll get something, too.

I've had two men
fight over me before.

Usually it's over which one
gets to hold the camcorder.

Angela, you have to put
a stop to this right now.

I will respect the results of the duel.

Of course you will.
I call loser.

I will be taking my break
at 4:00 in the parking lot.

I will also be taking my break

at the exact same time
and in the same location.

What a coincidence.
Hmm.

So, I either get more
involved or I take a sick day.

Leaving Dwight in charge.
Oh, God.

How'd that get there?

There's a star-shaped thing
taped under the kitchen table.

Thanks, Meredith.

So I was in the office,

and I look over to our accounting
division, and there's Kevin Malone.

Kevin is wearing a jacket
that I've never seen before,

and I call over to Kevin,

"Kevin, is that
a tweed jacket?"

And he looks at me and he says,

"Michael, yes,
it is a tweed jacket."

And I look back
at him and I say,

"I feel the need,
the need for tweed."

It's hard to try and
evaluate yourself, Michael,

but I appreciate you trying.

And thanks for coming in.
Oh!

Thank you.
Yes.

I have to say, I am so impressed

with the potential
you see in me.

Yeah.
Okay.

Yeah, finish up.

Come on! Where are you?

Let's do this thing!

Come on!
Come on out!

I can't believe they're
gonna fight over me.

I guess people have fewer
choices as they get older.

Come on!

Hey, has anything happened yet?

Where are you?
It's 4:10.

I don't think he's gonna show.

Oh, come on, man.
Believe in something.

Come on, coward!
Where are you? Where...

"From the desk
of Andrew Bernard."

A note. Pathetic.

"Dear Dwight, by now you have received
my note. How are you? I am well.

"You are no doubt wondering
why I have left this note.

"It's come to my attention that
in any physical match with you,

"I would surely
be bested." True.

"The soft underbelly of my refined
upbringing is my soft underbelly."

There's Andy.
He's in his car.

You guys, what is he doing?

Why isn't Dwight turning around?

The Prius is silent if he keeps
it under five miles per hour.

He deserves the win.

"Alas, after
much consideration..."

Oh, my God!

What's happening?

Andy's running
over Dwight with his car.

Whoa! What are you...
Hey, hey!

Yeah!

Come on! Ow!

My God.

You give up?
Never!

Get out and face me like a man!

I am a man!
I'm a bigger man than you'll ever be!

I would never sleep
with another mars fiancee!

You're not a man!
You don't know how to take care of her!

All you do is
dress fancy and sing.

What does that mean?

You can't even protect her!

Protect her from what?
Bears, you idiot?

Where's the last time you saw
a damn bear in Scranton?

Last year, idiot!

Dwight, are your legs broken?

No, my right one's falling
asleep a little bit.

Andy, are you all right?

Go away, Tuna!
I'm winning this!

Yeah, back off.
This isn't your fight.

Oh! How much is this
gonna cost? Oh!

What? Trust fund'll
take care of that.

What did you say? I'm sorry,
I couldn't hear you.

I said...

What? You stupid idiot!

You're like a big... You're like a
Sasquatch. You live in the woods!

Sasquatches are the
strongest animal on the planet!

So fine, call me a Sasquatch.

I don't get it! How could she be
sleeping with you this whole time

and only sleep with me twice?

What?
What?

She's sleeping with you?

I'm her fiance.

She said she was only
sleeping with me.

Yes, hi,
my last name is Bernard,

and I would like to cancel a
wedding cake that I had ordered.

B-E-R-N-A-R-D.

Yeah, one shaped
like a sailboat.

Yep, that's the one.

Thank you.

Wow, what a day.

I thought I was
gonna get chewed out,

but hold on,
here's an attaboy for you. What?

Rollercoaster ride.
Rollercoaster.

It just goes to show, you leave
Scranton, exciting things can happen.