The Office (2005–2013): Season 4, Episode 6 - Branch Wars - full transcript

Dunder Mifflin.
This is Rolando.

Oh, yes. She's been
expecting your call.

Yeah?

Karen?
He's on line 1.

Thanks, Ro.

Hey. We finally connected.
How's Scranton?

I am the regional manager of
Dunder Mifflin, Utica branch.

Turns out it's a pretty easy gig
when your boss isn't an idiot

and your boyfriend's not in
love with somebody else.

Look, all I'm saying is it
would be a great opportunity

and we'd love to have you come aboard.
So think about it, okay?



Okay. Bye.

Look, for the record, a certain
Scranton salesman approached me, okay?

This is perfect.

He looks
like your twin.

This is a dummy, à la
Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

We have tied a string to the
wrist, which goes to the door.

When somebody opens the
door, the hand goes down,

Hits the remote, turns on the tape
recorder, which is me snoring.

Now, nobody knows whether I
am here or whether I am gone.

I'll know. But you
will not tell anyone.

I won't need to because we'll
be together playing hooky.

Well...
Yeah!

...sometimes. Most of the time I
will be with Ryan. Or Darryl.

Yes.



Oh, good, good.
Stanley. F'irst victim.

This is what
I want you to do.

Go out, come back in.
We're gonna hide.

I want you to tell me
if this looks like me, okay?

I don't understand why
sleeping at your desk

is better than you
not being here.

Just go out
and come back in.

I got an offer from Utica for more money.
And I'm going to take it.

What?

Hi, everyone, can I have
your attention, please?

I just thought you all should know that
Stanley Hudson is planning on leaving us

because our old friend,
Karen from Utica,

is going to give him
more money to work there.

Okay.
No. No, no, no!

No! You completely
misinterpreted my tone!

This is a horrible thing.

Clearly, Karen is trying to get
back at us because Jim dumped her.

Oh, I don't think
that's what's happening.

Okay, well,
smarty pants, then why?

Why is she trying
to take Stanley from us?

I think it's because
of my sales record.

That could not
possibly be it.

You cannot take the hilarious
black guy from the office.

Stanley is part of what makes
this branch so extraordinary.

The bluesy wisdom, the sassy
remarks, the crossword puzzles,

the smile, those big,
watery, red eyes.

I don't know how George Bush
did it when Colin Powell left.

And if Utica thinks that they
are going to poach Stanley,

they have another
thing coming.

How can I get you to stay?
Money.

Yeah. We all
want money.

But there is none
in the budget. So,

tell me why
you're really leaving.

Money.

Mo' money, mo'
problems, Stanley.

You of all people should know that.
Let me ask you this, if I were...

Money.
Okay.

Oscar,
did you bring it?

To be Edwardian.
His best work.

Okay. Well, I have the tablecloth.
Don't forget the flatware.

Sure thing, Pam.
Can't wait.

Oscar, Toby and I are founding
members of the F'iner Things Club.

We meet once a month to discuss
books and art, celebrate culture

in a very civilized way.

Sometimes the debate can get heated,
but we're always respectful.

There is no paper, no plastic
and no work talk allowed.

It's very exclusive.

Besides having sex
with men,

I would say the F'iner Things Club
is the gayest thing about me.

So tell me again why I can't
be a part of your club?

Because some people
think that you

monopolize the conversation
by trying to be funny.

Oscar?
Some people.

Hello?

F'ilippellers!
How are they hanging?

Michael. Michael. To the left?
To the right?

Listen, I'm... Okay, enough small talk.
Go ahead.

You called me.

Yes. Listen.

Um...

You cannot tear Stanley
from his family like this.

I'm pretty sure his family
is coming with him.

No, his work family.

Look, this is very hard for me, but
I am going to give you my best man.

You may have Toby.

Toby's not a salesperson.

You can train him. He's very, very
smart and funny and charming.

You know, I can't do it.
Toby is the worst.

That was a bluff. Listen, if you
are going to poach one of my guys,

I am going to poach
one of yours.

Ooh.
Goodbye, Michael.

Okay. Goodbye.

Wait! Wait! Karen!

Could you transfer me to one of your
salespeople, please? Your best one.

I have Ben Nugent on the line.
He is the top salesman in Utica.

Hi, Ben. Michael Scott.
Hi, Michael.

I am going to cut right
to the chase here.

Do you like magic? Because
I am a genie in a bottle

and I am going to grant
you three wishes,

to move to Scranton, to have a great
job and to be my best friend.

Aren't you the guy that hit
the woman with your car?

Get out.

Yeah. I also saved her life, but
I guess that's not as grabby.

Everyone says Scranton branch
is worse than Camden.

Didn't everyone from Stamford
quit like immediately?

No, I fired them
and you're next.

So, what do you say?

Seriously?

What is that guy talking about?
Scranton is not lame.

Scranton is the cool, fun branch.
We're like Animal House.

F'ound him! Jim!
We're getting crapped on.

Word is our branch sucks and we
have to do something about it.

So what are you going to do?
What are we going to do?

We are going to make a monster
sale is what we're going to do.

Corcoran dropped Staples.
Did they?

Yes, they did. Oh, yes they did
and we are going to murder it.

You, me, Dwight are going to jump in my PT
Cruiser, we are going to crush this sale.

We are going to prove...
What the hell is that music?

It's Vivaldi.
F'or F'iner Things.

That's the problem.
That's the problem.

We need rock n' roll, Pam.
Rock n' roll. All right?

Oh, my God.

That's why people
are leaving.

I...

I have no words.

We just passed
the exit for Corcoran.

What? What?
We did?

Surprise! Yeah!

Look at his face!
Look at his face!

What are we doing?
Egg dripping.

So psyched.

What are doing, Dwight?
What are we doing?

Oh, well, gee, Jim, I don't know. I
guess there's no sales call today.

We are going on a panty raid
to Utica is what we're doing.

We're going to Utica?
Uh-huh!

I'm not going to Utica right now.
Yes, you are. Oh, buckle up, Jim.

No. We are going
to make Karen wish

that she had never
been dumped by you.

Utica! Utica! Utica!
Utica! Utica! Utica!

Utica.
Utica.

In your face!
Yow!

I can't believe you guys. I'm not going
to go further piss off my ex-girlfriend.

Are you calling Karen?
No, I'm not calling Karen.

He's lying.
Yeah. Get it.

What are you doing?
Stop it! Dwight!

Are you kidding me?

No communication with
the outside world, Jim.

Had to be done.
It had to be done.

Well, that kind of sucks

because it had all the photos
of my brother's new baby on it.

So...

Oh, that is too bad.
Shoot.

Okay. Hey, Dwight, he found it.

You know what? I'm just going
to call a cab from here.

All right. You're going to
miss the best prank ever.

All right. Wait, what are
you planning on doing?

Do you really
want to know?

Oh, God.

F'ollow me. Come here.
Here's what we brought.

We brought uniforms
from the warehouse.

I brought Silly String.

Dwight brought gasoline and chunks
of rubber to make stink bombs.

Or real bombs. No, no.
Not real bombs.

Yeah, come on.
It will be so bad ass.

Oh, maybe. I don't know.
I don't know.

It could be bad ass.
It will. No. No.

Yeah, it will. No, absolutely
we're not doing this.

Come on. I already filled the bottles with
the gas. It's going to be so bad ass.

Are you kidding me? We've been driving around
with this in the trunk the whole time?

Teach her to offer
Stanley more money.

So, the deal was Dwight doesn't blow
anything up and I wear a costume.

And a mustache.

So, why did you
and Karen break up?

Was it the sex?
What?

I can't imagine
the sex being bad.

I mean, her body is awesome.
Okay, you know what?

Why don't we play that alphabet
game that you were talking about?

Okay, I will start. A.

A, my name is Alan
and my wife's name is Alice

We live in Alaska
and we sell...

Damn it.
What can we sell?

Doesn't matter. I'm trying to
think of what we can sell.

It doesn't matter.

What is that? That sound. The air
conditioning leaking or something?

That doesn't make sense.
Couldn't be.

What is that?

Dwight,
are you peeing?

I'm peeing in this empty can.
Oh, my God!

Oh, come on, man. That
is disgusting, Dwight!

You said we couldn't make any more stops.
I really had to go.

Michael, watch the road!
Oh, God!

Hey, you're making me spray!
Oh, my God!

I'm going to kill you, man!
Michael, Michael, pull over!

That is just so disgusting!
Pull over.

I think I cut
my penis on the lid.

Can you imagine a life where all you have
to do is summer in the Italian countryside?

I know, right? I just want to go and
look at art and swim in the Adriatic.

And spend time with George Emerson.
That's what I would do.

I mean, he's the best male
protagonist we've read, right?

Totally. I mean, come on. Such a
free spirit. What are you doing?

Just came to discuss my favorite E.M.
F'orster novel.

Pam, these finger sandwiches look
finger-licking delicious, Pam.

I'm sorry, Andy,
but this is a closed club.

The F'iner Things Club is the most
exclusive club in this office.

Naturally, it's where
I need to be.

The Party Planning Committee is my
backup and Kevin's band is my safety.

F'ine.

I'll just...

Sit here in the common area
and read my book,

which just happens to be the
very same book you're reading.

All right, just know you're
not in the F'iner Things Club.

Why can't I be
in the club?

I can't believe we're here. I
can't believe this is happening.

Believe it.

Afro wig?
Do you want the afro wig?

No. Michael,
I'm not leaving the car.

Oh, God. All right, Dwight?
Yeah.

Here's how it's going to go down.
You and I...

Guy's
going by. Shh.

You and I are going to sneak inside,
pretend that we are warehouse workers.

Then we will Silly String
the bejesus out of the place.

And if we have to defend ourselves, I
will stab the security guard in the eye

with a jumbo chalk. No. No,
you won't do that. Nope.

Then I'll grind up the jumbo
chalk and blow it in his eyes.

Dwight, nothing with the eyes.
Please?

Okay, Jim.

Oh, my God, that's her. That's her.
Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.

Move. Move. Move. Move.
Move. Shut up.

This is the dumbest thing
we've ever done.

I think it's interesting
how F'orster uses Italy

to represent sexuality
and passion

and that also brought up themes of,
you know, fate and coincidence

and Lucy's torn between
these two things.

She's torn between
passion and convention.

Damn it.

It just...

To be making the case
for passion

in Edwardian times
I thought was...

Yes! Got it.

Damn it.

Made him sort of ahead of his time as a
writer. Very brave choice, I thought, also.

And George's youthfulness,
his freedom

Evokes feelings...

What are you
microwaving?

Popcorn.

Why don't you use the microwave
in the kitchen, Phyllis?

Someone needs to clean it.
It smells like popcorn.

So, Stanley, are you
really out of here?

Yeah. Looks that way.

I'm going to miss you, man.

You've been like an uncle to me.
Like a kind old Uncle Remus.

I want to stay
in touch.

We are in the stairwell.

We're climbing
some stairs.

I am breathing heavily.
Okay, you know what?

You really don't need to be updating
me as much as you're updating me.

There's a guy. There's a guy.
There's a security guard coming by.

Hello. We're warehouse workers.
Would you like more proof?

Okay.

Oh, my God.
That was very close.

I can see
the security guard's eyes.

No. No. Don't do
anything to them.

I have to do something
to his eyes.

The eyes are the groin
of the head.

All right, Great Scott, if you found that
choking hazard poster, just head on home.

We've got something far better, their
crown jewel. Their industrial copier.

Isn't that thing huge?

It's enormous, but it's got wheels. We're
wheeling it down the hall into the stairwell.

Get the car ready,
keep the engine running.

No. That is a terrible idea.
Don't do this.

My hip bone!

We're wedged between the copier and the
railing! I'm stuck. Oh, my left hip!

Leave us, Jim! Leave us. Save yourself.
Help us. No!

Don't leave us. Help us.
We need help, Jim!

Okay, first of all, stop using my name.
And second of all...

You got to move out!

Damn it, guys. Would you
just move over a little bit?

I'm losing
control of my bladder!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Karen's back.

Is that Karen? Take her to a motel.
Make love to her, Jim.

No. I'm not doing that.

Just say you want
to get back together.

No. I'm not doing that.

It doesn't have to mean anything.
Just do it for Stanley.

Come on, Jim. Just climb on top of her
and think about Stanley. Oh, God.

Jim, if this is it for me,
promise me something.

Jim?
Host the Dundies.

Hey, Karen.

What are you doing here?

F'irst of all, hi.

What are you doing here?

You good?

I'm just checking
on the other branches.

Michael wants me to do that
from time to time. So...

Do not tell Karen
about the industrial copier.

Copy that.

I cried for weeks over that guy, so yeah,
seeing him climb out of a PT Cruiser

in a ladies' warehouse
uniform felt pretty good.

Let me ask you, did you
accomplish what you wanted?

Listen, lady, you can expect
these kind of repercussions

as long as you keep trying
to poach our people.

I'm taking Stanley.

Then we will burn Utica
to the ground.

Dwight.

Granted, maybe this
was not the best idea,

but at least we care enough
about our employees

that we are willing
to fight for them.

And if you so much as harm
a hair on Stanley's head,

we will burn Utica
to the ground.

Jim, hang on a second?
Yes.

So you're still doing
this kind of stuff, huh?

Yeah. Trying to quit,
though.

If you wanted to see me, you could
have just called me like an adult.

Oh, no, I didn't
want to see you.

Not that I'm not happy
to be seeing you right now.

I'm just saying ultimately I was
here for the copier. Equal.

I'd say it was equal.
So, good to see you.

I mean, it's just that,
you know,

Pam and I are still dating so...
And I just mean that

things are going really well
so I didn't want to see you.

Oh, things are going really well? Are they?
They are? That's great. That's so great.

I want to hear more about
how happy you are with Pam.

Can you tell me more about that? Thank
you so much for coming to Utica

and breaking my copier and telling me how
well things are going in your relationship.

Really.
Thank you.

All right. You are welcome. I am
going to go because of traffic.

Traffic. Yeah. Oh, definitely.
So...

Go... Go because of traffic.
Definitely. Beat the traffic.

I will.

We tried and we failed.

Stanley, you may go.

Here is a box
for your things.

But I doubt that that box will be
able to contain all the memories that

you have of this place.

F'ly away, sweet little bird.
F'ly away and be free.

Pam.

I'm going to need some help
writing a want ad.

Wanted. Middle-aged
black man with sass.

Big butt. Bigger heart.

I can't do this.

Michael, a word?

Of course.

I changed my mind.
I want to keep this job.

Really?

I wasn't really planning on leaving.
All I wanted was a raise.

How on Earth did Michael call my bluff?
Is he some sort of secret genius?

Sometimes I say
crazy things.

Hey.

I'm so sorry. Rolando
told me everything.

How humiliating.

Would it help you
to return to another age,

a time of refinement
and civility?

Are you inviting me
to the F'iner Things Club?

Oh, oh, come on!

Angela's Ashes.
Top of the morning to it.

F'rankie's prose is finer
than a pot of gold, say I.

Okay. Did you get it
out of your system?

Yup. No, I mean I really liked it.
I thought it was a fun read.

F'un?
Mmm-hmm.

Really?
Yeah.

What was fun about it for you?
Was it the death of the twins?

No, that wasn't fun.

Did you even
read it?

Of course
I read it.

How does it end?

Who was the main
character?

Angela. Nope.
The ashes.