The Office (2005–2013): Season 3, Episode 9 - The Convict - full transcript

Oh!
She's absolutely adorable!
He.
Oh, sorry. He's dressed all in pink.
That's his favorite color.
Oh, that's fun for him.
Fantastic.
Oh, wow, look at that. How cute.
Thank you.
Oh, may I?
Sure.
Hey, look at me! I'm a baby!
I'm one of those babies from Look Who's Talking.
What am I thinking?
Look at all those staplers.
What's a stapler? I don't even know.
I'm a baby. Hey, Mom!
I'm thirsty.
I'm thirsty, Mama.
I want some milk.
And you know where milk comes from.
Breasts!
- Hey. - Hey.
You almost done?
Just about, yeah.
Now.
Yes, I've started to see Karen.
It's very new, and I'm not really ready
to talk about it openly yet just because
I think once the word gets out there,
it might affect the way people behave around us.
Or... I don't know.
Just not yet.
Yeah, Jan, it, um, looks like a check.
A piece of paper of some sort.
A receipt.
Jan, this is Angela Martin from accounting.
Mm-hmm.
Look, we have a rebate
from the Federal Work Opportunity Program.
And no one knows what that means.
We get that money for hiring an ex-convict.
I didn't hire an ex-convict.
Unless they mean Toby.
Convicted rapist.
I'm just kidding.
When did the check come?
Last week.
Okay, that's when the branches merged,
so Josh must've been taking advantage of this program.
Smart move.
One of the Stamford people is a criminal?
Hey, Jan, speaking of Stamford,
Hannah brought in her baby.
Jan, which one of new employees is a criminal?
A reformed convict. And I'm not sure.
Though hang on. Let me email our H.R.
Stay on the line.
Who is it?
Hannah?
Hmm.
Andy?
Andy.
Martin?
Oh, you are such a racist.
Wait, why am I a racist?
Because you think he's black.
He is black, right?
Stop it. Stop it right now!
Okay, it's someone named Martin Nash.
Yeah!
Michael?
Why did the convict have to be a black guy?
It is such a stereotype.
I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice,
like a white guy...
who went to prison
for polluting a black guy's lake.
I wonder what he did.
In our society,
a black man can be arrested
for almost anything.
He was probably at a sporting event
and saw some people pushing each other.
And he intervened.
Why would anyone go to jail for that?
So...
what we need to do
is to forget
about this whole "Martin in prison" thing.
People will draw
unfair conclusions about Martin
and/or black people.
- Cool. - Okay.
Angela?
Sure.
Let's protect the convicts
at the expense of the general feeling
of safety in the workplace.
As a 90-pound female that sits in an ill-lit,
rarely-visited corner of the office,
naturally I agree with that.
Good.
All right.
Jim Halpert.
I am so horny.
Okay, I can't help you with that.
Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna.
Tell me about that Indian chick Kelly.
She seems pretty slutty.
Good for a romp in the sack.
She is dating Ryan, I think.
Oh, and I care why?
She's high maintenance.
Next. How about...
Blondes are more fun.
Come on, trust me on that.
Yeah, trust me.
That would be fun for no one.
Okay, fine. Okay.
Pam, the receptionist.
Pam. Should I go for it?
Absolutely you should.
Jackpot.
Just try to be cool.
I am cool.
Are you cool really?
I'm so cool.
Tell me what is going on.
Um, Martin from Stamford
was at one time in prison.
No, Dwight. Be cool, be cool.
I am greatly concerned
about having a convict in the office.
And I do not care if that convict is white,
black, Asian, German,
or some kind of halfsie.
I do not like criminals.
Oh, God.
All righty. Let's get started.
What is she into?
I know Pam pretty well.
I know the things that she likes.
And just as important,
I know the things that she hates.
So one of the things that she likes is pranks.
And the things that she hates...
Frisbee-based competitions.
Are you kidding?
I started the main Frisbee golf club
at Cornell where I went to college.
I live to frolf.
Lead off with that.
Okay.
She loves hunting.
She also loves those ads for Six Flags
with the old guy.
Got it.
Also... do you speak pig Latin?
Hey, Martin. How's it going?
Good. Getting settled, you know.
Ah, good, good. Good.
Just a second.
Everybody, may I have your attention please?
I realize that a lot of you have already heard
that Martin here
has had some trouble with the law.
But I just want to declare publicly
that I trust him completely.
And that anybody who doesn't
is an ignorant, dumb person, okay?
As a matter of fact,
you show me a white man you trust,
and I will show you a black man
that I trust even more.
Pam, tell me a white person you trust.
My dad.
Danny Glover.
- Yeah? - Jonas Salk.
- Who? - Justin Timberlake.
Oh, please. Colin Powell.
Hey, I got one.
- Yeah? - Jesus.
Apollo Creed.
Close your eyes.
Picture a convict.
What's he wearing?
Nothing special.
Baseball cap on backward, baggy pants.
He says something ordinary like,
"Yo, that's shizzle."
Okay, now slowly open your eyes again.
Who were you picturing?
A black man?
Wrong.
That was a white woman.
Surprised?
Well, shame on you.
So, you all want to know what I was in for?
No, that's not cool.
You don't have to tell them.
I really don't mind. It was a stupid mistake.
I was working in finance,
and I got involved in some insider trading.
So I spent a little time
in the clink.
Oh!
That is awesome.
I had Martin explain to me three times
what he got arrested for, because...
it sounds an awful lot
like I what I do here every day.
What was prison like?
Not terrible.
Boring.
We do the same thing every day.
But at least we'd get outdoors time.
You got outdoors time?
Two hours every day.
Sometimes we'd play pickup football games.
Michael, why don't we get outdoors time?
Yeah, some days I never go outside.
Well, we are running a business.
What was your cell like?
Not good.
It was a little bit bigger than Michael's office.
But you know, I really only slept there.
You know, during the day our time was our own.
They had classes.
I took some watercolor classes.
They have art classes?
Yeah.
They have business classes there?
They did, taught by some Harvard Business School guys.
A lot of the guys also that were in the class...
the inmates...
a lot of them have gone on to do
- extraordinary things in business. - Terrible things.
Kind of sounds like prison's better than Dunder-Mifflin.
Okay, well, that's not true.
I would so rather be in prison.
Prison sounds great.
No, you would not.
This place is not prison.
It's way better than prison.
Baby!
Hello, baby!
Here, you want to play with this?
You can't give paperclips to a baby.
He could swallow.
Oh, it's okay. I've got tons of 'em.
You like that? Goo goo goo goo?
Pam-a-lama-ding-dong.
Listen, you're cute.
There's no getting around it.
So I don't know if I like country music,
but I was thinking maybe one of these days
we could drive out to the fields,
crank up some tunes.
Smoke a few Macanudos.
Maybe even toss a disc around.
Utway ooday ooyay inkthay, Ampay?
Wow. I...
Shh!
Think about it.
I'll hit you back.
Wow.
That was...
Wow.
Okay, listen up, everybody.
Um, you guys said that prison was better than this place.
And I heard you loud and clear.
So I am instituting some changes
to make this more like prison.
We are going to start
with an hour of outdoor time.
So let's go!
Michael, it's freezing out.
I can't feel my toes.
Why don't we pump some iron?
Anybody want to pump up?
What is that, like, five pounds?
It's two and half.
I'm not going for bulk. I'm going for tone.
I'm going back inside. It's freezing.
Yeah, it is freaking cold out here.
Anybody wants to stay out,
you got about 27 minutes of rec time.
Oh, hey, Martin!
You have TV in the joint?
Yeah, in the rec room.
Ah, got a ten-inch black and white?
Actually, our TV was bigger than that one.
These people do realize how lucky they are.
This office is the American Dream.
And they would rather be in the hole.
Oh, Andy.
I thought of one last tack you can take with Pam.
- Yeah, what? - Quick question. Do you play the guitar?
I play the banjo.
Hold on. Let me think about that.
Yes, that'll work.
But can you sing in a sexy high falsetto voice?
Yep, that's perfect.
- Hey. - Hey.
I'm gonna go get my banjo out of my car.
Perfect.
What is going on?
I'm messing with Andy.
I'm sending him to all the women in the office
with just terrible information
on how to get them to go out with him.
I love it. I want in.
Who's the target?
Oh, you know what?
- It was gonna be Pam, but... - Perfect.
What do I do? Just give me an assignment.
Oh, you know what, though?
I feel like I already sicced him on Pam.
We'll give her a break.
Let's think of someone else.
All right, everybody.
There has been a lot of name-calling
against our office today.
Corporate maligning, slurring.
Much of it coming from one of you
who claims that prison is better
than here.
And none of us can say "boo"
because none of us have ever been to prison.
Well, here's somebody I'd like you to meet.
Somebody else who has been to prison
who can tell you what
it is really like.
I'm Prison Mike.
You know why they call me Prison Mike?
Do you really expect us to believe you're somebody else?
Do you really expect me
to not push you up against the wall, beeyotch?
Hey! Whoa, whoa!
Hey, that's just the way we talk in the clink.
Been a lot of fun talk about prison today.
But I am here to scare you straight.
I am here to scare you straight!
In prison, you are somebody's bitch.
Oh, and you.
You, my friend, would be
da belle of da ball.
Don't drop the soap. Don't drop the soap.
Michael, please.
Where did you learn all of this?
Internet.
So not prison.
And prison. It's 50/50.
Both.
Look, prison stinks
is what I'm saying.
It's not like you can go home
and recharge your batteries
and come back in the morning
and be with your friends having fun in the office.
What did you do, Prison Mike?
I stole.
And I robbed.
And I kidnapped the President's son
and held him for ransom.
That is quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike.
An I never got caught neither.
Well, you're in prison, but, mm-hmm.
Prison Mike, what was the food like in prison?
Gruel sandwiches.
Gruel omelets.
Nothing but gruel.
Plus, you can eat your own hair.
Wow.
Prison sounds horrible.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, thank you, Andy. Thanks.
Prison Mike, what's the very, very
worst thing about prison?
Don't encourage him, Dwight.
The worst thing about prison was... was the Dementors.
They were flying all over the place,
and they were scary.
And then they'd come down and they'd suck the soul
out of your body, and it hurt.
Dementors like in Harry Potter?
No, not Harry Potter.
There were no movies in prison.
This is my point.
You guys got it soft and cushy.
This place is freaking awesome.
The people are awesome.
Your boss is nice.
Everybody seems to get along.
People are tolerant.
People who would jump to conclusions
can redeem themselves.
Nobody's nobody's bitch.
I hope that this scared you.
And from me, Prison Mike, to you,
I just want to thank you for listening to me.
And letting me be a part of your life today.
'Cause you got a good life!
You got a good life.
A good life.
So, what do you think?
It doesn't sound so great, does it?
Wow.
Thank you.
Um, that must have been hard for you to relive that.
Both of you.
Yeah, that wasn't really
at all my experience.
There were certain elements
of what you performed
I've seen on television,
but it didn't remind me of my time in prison.
Okay, okay. Fine.
You guys think prison is so great?
All right.
Well, here you go.
Okay, Michael. Come on, let us out.
No, if you think prison is so wonderful,
then enjoy prison.
Are we locked in here?
They are such babies.
I am going to leave them in there
until they can appreciate what it's like
to have freedom.
And if this doesn't bother them,
then I am out of ideas.
Hey! Let us out of here!
- Hey, I have... - Shh!
This is Toby.
Hey, Pam.
Where are you calling from?
Michael, why is everyone locked in the conference room?
They were very disrespectful to me and to the office.
And Martin has had a bad influence.
To think that I gave him the benefit of a doubt.
It's...
Well, you're gonna have to let them out or I will.
Okay, you know what, Toby?
I am teaching them a lesson, so...
You know they're teasing you.
I mean, obviously this is
a much nicer place than an actual prison.
We get paid to be here.
We go home afterwards and have social lives.
And we have parties here.
They're teasing you.
To be funny.
Okay, nutcases, get out of there.
Good work.
Long day. Really long.
Why don't you guys head home early?
Time off for good behavior!
Good job.
Enjoy your freedoms.
Martin went from being a new guy from Stamford
to a convict,
to my friend,
back to a convict,
then to kind of a nuisance, actually,
if we can be completely honest.
And finally to a quitter.
And I will not miss him.
And that is not because he is black.