The Office (2005–2013): Season 3, Episode 17 - Cocktails - full transcript

Can you confirm that the straps are tight?
Yes.
But this one's a little...
And now the chains!
A lot of people think that magic camp
is just for kids.
And that's why so many
other people in my class were kids.
Self-fulfilling prophecy.
It's, um, really for anybody
with a dream, and a belief in magic,
and a little extra time after school.
Magic, magic, magic, magic...
And now, Michael the Magic
will attempt to escape from extreme bondage.
Can he do it?
I don't see how he can.
I know how.
He'd dislocate his shoulder and slip his arm out.
No! No.
Everyone now count down with me.
Three! Sorry.
Sorry, quickly.
So is it true that if you can't get out,
you don't want anyone to help you?
I will get out.
Oh, yes, I will.
So we shouldn't help you, no matter how much
you might beg and plead.
No, all right, just... this is getting hot.
So let's just do this, okay, ready?
Three!
Two.
One!
Go!
Mm-hmm.
Aah!
Is everything okay, Michael?
Yes.
I cannot tell you how I plan to escape.
Other than by using magic.
That is the magician's code.
Help.
Separately, on an unrelated note,
if you happen to find a small brass key...
All right, ready?
Come on, guys, early worm gets the worm.
Another worm?
Like, are they friends?
It's early bird gets the worm.
Okay.
Pam, would you smell my breath?
No. No.
Let me smell.
Good, not great.
Michael, you go to parties all the time.
Why is tonight so special?
Well, tonight is so special because my boss's boss's boss,
the CFO, not his initials, common mistake,
is having a little shindig for all the managers
in the company, and Jan and I are going as a couple.
For the first time.
So it's kind of our coming out party.
Really.
And that is why tonight is so special.
Jimbo, last chance carpool.
Oh, no thanks, I think Karen and I'll take my car.
Sure? Might be a good idea.
If we all went together we could save some gas.
Have fun. Long trip! Thanks.
Play some games? Oh.
Um... no, we're good.
I Spy. Yeah.
Why don't I wanna go?
Didn't expect to need a reason,
so let me think here.
Um...
I don't know any of these people.
It's an obligation.
I don't like talking paper in my free time.
Or in my work time.
And... did I use the word "pointless?"
Thanks for inviting me along.
Oh, sure.
Really didn't give it any thought.
Wait, should you be going?
Hey-wo, you!
Michael? Hey, buttercup.
I am on my way, should be there in about 15...
Let's just blow this party off.
That's what she said. Yeah.
Am I on speaker phone?
Ah, yes you are.
Is anybody else... Hello, Jan!
Hi, Dwight.
Okay, Michael, take me off speakerphone.
No le problem.
Okay, let's just go to a motel...
Okay!
And, like, rip into each other
like we did on that black sand beach
in Jamaica.
Hey, Jan?
Jan, this party is actually a very big step for us.
So I... Still on speaker?
Um... I don't know.
Are cameras there?
Maybe.
All right, see you soon.
Okay. Talk to you later, Jan!
All right, bye.
Hey, Michael left early,
so a bunch of us are gonna go to Poor Richard's
for happy hour, you should come.
I can't.
My brother just unloaded the Jet Skis
and he kinda took a bath, so...
We're gonna go get hammered.
Okay, well, we're going to a bar.
Hey.
You have to come to stuff with me.
I'm serious.
If you're gonna be my boyfriend,
you have to do boyfriend things.
Okay.
I have decided that I'm going to be more honest.
I'm gonna start telling people what I want directly.
So look out world, 'cause ol' Pamie
is getting what she wants.
And don't call me Pamie.
Beauty.
Thank you, sir.
Ensalada. Thank you.
You're dressed exactly like the servants.
Shut up.
Okay, change shirts with me.
What? Give me your shirt.
No, but yours won't fit me.
I don't care.
This is stupid.
Ah... wow.
Here.
Don't let my jacket...
Don't give me that.
That would have been really embarrassing.
Yes.
Crisis averted.
Okay.
Oh.
That duck is so cute.
Hey, Pam.
Oscar. Angela.
Uh, hi!
Actually, it's polite to arrive early.
And smart.
Only really good friends show up early.
Ergo de facto, go to a party early,
become a really good friend.
Oh! Uh, potato salad.
Oh. That's from both of us.
No, it's not.
It's my bowl. Wonderful.
Let's, uh, see where we can put this.
Okay.
Oh, you know what, you probably wanna leave
the cover on until the guests get here.
It's been sitting in my car all day.
Sun beating down on the mayonnaise...
Just... you never know.
Kevin, you and Stacey set a date yet?
Yeah.
Oh, my God, when is it?
It's complicated.
I would appreciate some space on this.
Hey!
Hey!
You made it.
Yeah, you said it was important, so...
It is.
How's it going?
What's up, Pam? Hey, Kenny.
Sorry about the Jet Skis.
You guys all want a round? On me?
Yeah!
Let's get you a drink.
Thanks, man. I'm thirsty.
No, thank you, Roy, I...
You should get a round, Ryan.
Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp?
That's feces.
Whatcha looking for?
Did you bring dip?
I'm sure that it's catered.
I need you to sign these, Michael.
That's a waiver of some of your rights.
You should read it carefully.
It releases the company in the event
that our relationship in your opinion,
or in reality, interferes with work.
You get a copy, I get a copy, and a third copy goes to HR.
Awesome.
I'm gonna frame mine.
I could frame yours too.
You realize this is... this is a legal document
that says you can't sue the company?
Over our love.
I've... never told you that I love you.
You don't have to, Jan.
This contract says it all.
I am taking a calculated risk.
What's the upside?
I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love,
babies, normalcy, no more self-loathing.
Downside, I, uh, date Michael Scott publicly
and collapse into myself like a dying star.
What's this over the I?
It's a heart.
Why is this so hard?
That's what she said.
Oh, my God. What am I saying?
I love this woman!
Oh, no, Michael, please, Michael, please.
Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica?
No. No?
Then you're an idiot.
Hello, Michael.
Rachel, boy, do you clean up good.
Place looks great with all the lights on.
And everything actually looks bigger
with people in it, weird.
Jan, glad you could make it.
Oh, of course, of course, David.
Do you remember, uh, Michael Scott?
Of course I do. From Scranton branch.
How are you, Michael?
Jan and I are lovers.
That feels so good to finally say that out loud.
David, can I, um, speak to you privately
for just a moment, please?
Excuse me.
Okay.
Oh.
No. Actually, one of these is supposed to be a light.
Oh, sorry.
So the merger goes smoothly, or...
It did. "Like butter."
Mike Myers, SNL.
You should ask Karen, she was one of them.
Yeah, I'm the only one left.
Everybody else was either fired or quit.
And there's one in anger management.
Yeah, but you're great now, right?
We're all great.
Aren't we great?
We're good.
Michael, st... please stop that, okay?
Uh, can I get anyone anything?
I could go for an appe-tease-er, yep.
Martini, please. Bagel bites or something.
Rachel, your house is beautiful.
Oh, thank you.
What's the square footage?
Wow.
Uh, about 5,000.
Does that include the garage?
Dwight, that's not appropriate.
I don't know. It's a common question.
David, how much did this house cost?
These old colonials are great... when they're sound.
I'd love to, uh, take a look around.
I'll show you around, sure.
Cool, let's start with the banisters.
Hey.
Do you see that guy behind you
in the blue blazer against the wall?
Mm, yup.
That's Drake.
And just so you know, I don't wanna be weird
or anything, but, um, we used to date.
Oh.
Okay, cool. Thanks for telling me that.
And it didn't end well.
Gotcha.
All right.
This was a gift...
from Lee lacocca.
20-year-old, single malt Scotch.
Here is to Mr. Iacocca and his failed experiment,
the DeLorean.
Are you okay?
Yeah!
Do you have any ice?
Sure.
How about some Splenda?
1, 2, 3, up chickens!
Down chickens!
Uh, I think I heard the quarter over here.
Where? On this side.
No, it is definitely under one of these hands.
I kind of heard it on Roy's side too.
No, it is here.
Not here.
Not here. Not here.
Not here.
Good thing you didn't listen to me.
Yeah, close one.
Not here. Not here.
Okay, it's either here or here.
Not here.
Yes!
Nice job.
I can read you like a book.
Oh, yeah?
You can't keep anything from me.
Bottom's up.
Hey, Creed. Hey.
What's up, Creed?
What are you guys up to?
Ah, hello.
You're the man, buddy.
I run a small fake ID company from my car
with a laminating machine that I swiped
from the sheriff's station.
Huh, yeah.
These studs are way too far apart.
What's in here?
Ah, it's a guest room.
Just the one window?
Oh, I must get that.
You'll have to excuse me.
Are those real pearls?
Uh, yes.
They're...
Yes.
Good.
Well, it was nice meeting you guys.
Take care.
Well, if you're wondering why his wife was staring daggers
at me, it's because I kinda saw him
for a little bit when they were separated.
Oh.
Didn't notice.
Really? I thought it was so obvious.
I'm glad it didn't make you uncomfortable.
No, it was before I knew you,
so... it's fine.
Wow, this one really smells like vanilla.
Mm. Check that out.
That's nice.
You and the Mrs. should join us
at Sandals Jamaica next Christmas.
I...Michael, I think David probably wants
to spend Christmas here with his family.
Oh, yeah.
They don't allow kids at Sandals.
They are... are persona non grata.
Please stop.
They're... uh, but it's fun.
It is an awesome place.
You would not believe how low this girl can limbo.
David, I'm sorry.
You're just gonna have to excuse us
for just a couple minutes, sorry.
Okay, okay.
Excuse me.
What's going on?
What is it?
Sorry.
What... what's the matter?
What's... Come here.
Just... just... just... just...
What are you doing?
Don't you know what I'm doing?
Yes, but you could tell me.
What are... what is that?
Why are you... why are we going in the bathroom?
I thought this is where you liked your privacy.
Shut up.
What has gotten into you?
No, no, no, no! What?
Come on, let's go back to the party.
Come on, wait, let me just do my dress.
Don't take that... no! Stop it! Stop it.
Jan, no, no, no! Michael!
No means please don't.
Slam me up against the wall, right here.
I'm not gonna slam you up against anything.
Oh, please, I want you so... You're acting inappropriate.
I'm acting inappropriate? Jan... yeah.
Forget it, get away from me.
Here.
Hey.
Where have you been all night?
I was looking forward to hanging out with you.
I was...
Hey, don't you have a daughter?
Yes.
Oh, good, you're up.
Hey, who makes' this chair?
I don't know, it was here when I was born.
Hmm. I want one.
Really good, solid construction.
It's comfortable.
What is this? Oak?
I don't know.
What do you know?
God, I hate these parties.
You wanna sneak out back and shoot some hoops?
Meet me outside in two minutes.
You stay here and have fun, 'cause I'm gonna go out back
and shoot hoops with David Wallace.
Okay.
Oh, um, don't mention that you and I are dating,
'cause I think he might still have feelings for me.
Wallace?
What the hell?
Have you dated, like, every guy here?
Wow.
Okay.
You got me.
I so got you.
So, none of them.
Of course not.
I mean, you're kind of, like, my first.
Really?
Oh, my God, it's so easy, it's not even fun.
Okay.
Hey, Jan.
Not too good.
Did you get a chance to try
Michael's homemade potato salad?
Rachel thinks that I brought homemade potato salad.
And I just picked it up at the supermarket.
It's funny, I wish I could make potato salad that good.
It's just potatoes and mayonnaise.
There's something wrong with Jan.
What's, uh, what's with Jan and Michael?
I don't know.
Where to begin?
My ball.
The chimney's in decent shape.
Not great, I found some termite damage
in a crawlspace and some structural flaws
in the foundation, so all in all...
it was a pretty fun cocktail party.
What?
I want us to make it.
I want a fresh start.
That's awesome.
That's what I want.
Okay, but in order for us to make it,
there can't be any secrets between us.
The... I didn't do anything.
Ask anybody, I totally could've,
and I didn't at all.
Just listen.
Remember that casino night about a month
before we were supposed to get married?
I kissed Jim.
What?
He told me how he felt, and I guess I had feelings too,
and we kissed.
Jim came on to you?
Just listen.
No, I am listening!
That's the problem, I'm listening!
Don't yell.
Don't yell?
This is over.
Yeah, you're right, this is so over.
You kidding me, Pam?
Come on!
God!
Damn Jet Skis!
Our first fight.
If this is about what happened in the bathroom,
there was no place to cuddle.
I feel sick.
You didn't have any of the potato salad, did you?
You know, we were good when we were just running around.
You know, in secret.
It was wrong, and it was exciting.
And maybe it was a mistake to take it public.
Well, if that's the way you feel,
my lady, then you have hurt me greatly.
Michael. Greatly.
Please don't cry.
I'm not going to cry.
I feel like it, but I am not going to.
Why don't you just take your stupid love contract
and tear it up into a million pieces?
It was never a love contract, Michael.
And besides, I've already given a copy to David
and it would be just as embarrassing
to get it back from him as it was handing it to him.
I want the house, Jan! I want the picket fence.
I want the ketchup fights, and the tickling,
and the giggling.
I didn't mean it, okay?
I was... I was tired. Whatever.
I'm tired, and I didn't eat enough.
You didn't mean it. And that's all.
That's was it. That's it, you didn't mean it.
No, I didn't. So...
That's all, I'm just saying I didn't mean it.
I love you, Jan.
Okay.
Don't break up, you guys.
You're great together.
Are they gonna call the cops?
No, I paid them off.
Jet Ski money?
All of it.
I'm gonna kill Jim Halpert.