The Office (2005–2013): Season 3, Episode 15 - Phyllis' Wedding - full transcript

Oh, damn.
Lost another file.
Gonna have to reboot... again.
Hey, Dwight, do you want an Altoid?
What do you think?
In school, we learned about this scientist
who trained dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell
by feeding them whenever a bell rang.
So for the past couple weeks
I've been conducting a similar experiment.
Dwight, want an Altoid?
Okay.
Altoid?
Sure.
Altoid?
Yes.
What are you doing?
I...
What?
I don't know, I...
Oh, my mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden.
Ugh.
Always the bridesmaids.
Right, ladies?
Okay, for this next one, everybody hop out.
Just Phyllis and Dad.
Actually, let's bring Mom back in.
And the sisters.
And you and you and you.
Great.
Phyllis is getting married.
And I am in the wedding party.
She has asked me
to push her father's wheelchair down the aisle.
So basically, I am co-giving away the bride.
Since I pay her salary,
it is like I am paying for the wedding.
Which I'm happy to do.
It's a big day for Phyllis.
But it's an even bigger day for me.
Employer of the bride.
Yes, I put Michael in my wedding.
It was the only way I could think
to get six weeks off for my honeymoon.
No one else has ever gotten six weeks before.
Phyllis ended up using the exact same invitations
as Roy and me.
So it was kind of like being invited
to my own wedding.
And I was like, wait...
I thought I called that off.
So, what's in the box?
A toaster. You?
Uh, toaster.
Unbelievable.
Hello, Angela.
You look as beautiful as the Queen of England.
Thank you.
Don't linger. Break left.
Left.
The Schrutes have their own traditions.
We usually marry standing in our own graves.
Makes the funerals very romantic.
But the weddings are a bleak affair.
Those flowers are nice.
Yeah. "P and R?"
"Phyllis and Robert."
Ah, of course.
Also "Pam and Roy."
There she is!
I swear, Phyllis, you are as beautiful
as the first day you started work
at Dunder-Mifflin.
Thanks, Michael. That's sweet.
Same as when you said it outside.
Mm, how you doing?
You excited?
Yes, very.
Me too.
If, um... if you need to vomit, that is okay.
I did.
Do you want to talk about tonight?
No.
Because I know you're probably worried
about pleasing Bob.
A lot of pressure.
Phyllis, did you break wind?
It's okay if you did.
It's a very natural reaction.
It's your wedding and you're nervous.
Um, that wasn't me.
Okay.
Um...
I'm sure that Bob...
wow, that is...
that is pungent.
Um, I lost my train of thought.
Uh...
are you set on that hairstyle?
I thought it was...
Here, let me...
Michael, no.
Just cover up that bald patch.
No, Michael.
Please, I just need some time alone.
Okay, okay.
You might be surprised to learn
that I have only been to one other wedding.
It's actually a very cute story.
My mom was marrying Jeff
and they asked me to be ring bearer.
And I was understandably emotional
and somehow my pants became wet.
I hate you!
Long story short...
Jeff's dog ended up as ring bearer.
And the irony is that after the ceremony,
that dog peed on everything.
And nobody said boo.
Why are all these people here?
There's too many people on this earth.
We need a new plague.
Who are all these people?
You know what?
I bet a lot of them are wedding crashers. No way.
Did you ever see that movie? Of course I saw it.
I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally.
I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man
and went into the wrong theater.
After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater.
But I kept waiting.
Because that's the thing about bear attacks...
They come when you least expect it.
You know, I just wish...
I wish I had the investigative powers
to actually smoke some of these guys out,
you know?
Once again, Jim... I will take care of this.
I will locate the wedding crashers
and report them to Phyllis.
That way I won't have to get her a gift.
Hi, I'm Kevin.
Where'd you find her?
At the gym.
Right.
The gym!
Could you scoot over? You're on my dress.
I thought you're not supposed
to wear white to a wedding.
I know, but there was an emergency.
I look really good in white.
This strapping young lad sitting here
is Phyllis' father, Elbert.
And he is quite the ladies' man,
aren't you, Elbert, huh?
Ah, ring bearer.
I could've done better.
I will do better.
I am going to be better.
Can't believe I'm actually doing this.
Are you ready for this, Elbert?
I am.
Let's do it!
That's my dress.
No, no, it's okay.
It's...
It's a miracle.
This is bull.
Me walking Phyllis down the aisle
was supposed to be the highlight of the wedding.
And now... the wedding has no highlight.
I can't believe I pushed that...
that guy's lazy ass around all day
until he was ready to stand up
and steal the show.
That's...
well, I got news for you, Elbert...
if that's your real name...
the show's not over.
Phyllis and Bob, Bob and Phyllis...
And do you, Phyllis, take Bob Vance
of Vance Refrigeration
to be your lawfully wedded husband.
I do.
Ladies and gentlemen!
May I present to you,
for the first time as a couple,
Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance!
And do you, Bob, take Phyllis
Oh, shh...
to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I do.
You may now kiss the bride.
Ladies and gentlemen!
For the first time as a couple,
Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance!
Yeah!
That's what I'm talking about!
Congratulations, Phyllis.
Oh, thank you.
You look lovely.
Your dress is very white.
So white my eyes are burning.
Thanks, Angela.
Congratulations, Bob. You're a good man.
But just know...
if you ever lay a finger on Phyllis,
I will kill you.
If yo ever lay a finger on Phyllis,
I'll kill you.
Agreed.
No fingers will be laid on Phyllis!
Oh, decide to sit down again, huh?
Great.
Bet you can hear me too.
Best of luck, Phyllis.
Also, I'm gonna need to see
a copy of the guest manifest,
as well as photographs of the caterers.
I don't have that, Dwight.
Damn it, Phyllis!
Are you all right?
This must be so awful for you. What do you mean?
Well, this was supposed to be your wedding.
Oh, um, no, that's, um...
it's actually fine.
There's no way it's fine.
I'm sorry.
If I was you, I would just, like, freak out
and get really drunk
and then tell someone I was pregnant.
Okay, that's a lot of good ideas.
Thanks.
Excuse me, sir.
How do you know the happy couple?
Who?
The bride and groom. What are their names?
Oh, I... I don't, uh...
I'm not sure.
Oh, I get it, I get it.
Come on, freeloader, let's move it.
Oh. Come on!
Come on! Okay, okay.
Where are we going?
Gotta find yourself
another wedding to crash, my friend.
Oh!
Phyllis, are you happy with everything?
What can I do to make it more perfect-er?
Oh, it's beautiful.
Why don't you find your seat
and enjoy the buffet?
I'm already on it.
Chicken, totally undercooked.
I sent it back.
It's fish.
I will take care of that.
I do... I know a fair amount
about fine food and drink.
Um...
This is a white.
No, this is not our first wedding.
This is the third wedding
that Scrantonicity has played.
We also played our bassist's wedding
and our guitarist's wedding.
Attention, everyone. Attention, please.
Uh, I'm supposed to ask
if anyone has seen Uncle Al.
He is old and has brown eyes and dementia.
His family is very concerned.
It's a very serious
situation.
Hey.
Hey.
I know I don't normally notice
these kind of things, but, uh...
this wedding's really nice.
I mean, the flowers and stuff.
Phyllis has got some great taste.
You're kidding me, right?
I know you probably
aren't gonna remember this,
but, um, those color roses...
I got you those color roses for our prom.
Roy, I picked those flowers.
Phyllis just stole all of my ideas for our wedding.
I guess I wasn't really
too involved in the planning.
Yeah.
Sorry about that.
It's okay.
Well, you think it sucks for you.
I'm the one who actually wanted
to get married.
Phyllis, you're a wonderful woman.
And you're a hell of a bowler!
She is.
Cheers!
Cheers!
Thank you, Randy!
That was great. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Hi, I'm Michael Scott.
And for the next 40 minutes,
I am going to be your tour guide
through the lives of Phyllis Lapin and Bob Vance.
One of the great,
seemingly impossible love stories of our time.
My name is Michael Scott.
Webster's Dictionary defines "wedding"
as the fusing of two metals
with a hot torch.
Well, you know something?
I think you guys are two metals...
gold medals.
For those of you who don't know me,
I'm Michael Scott, Phyllis' boss.
To quote from The Princess Bride,
"Marriage"
The most important part of a speech
is the opening line.
When time is not a factor,
I like to try out three or four different ones.
Phyllis and Bob...
their celebrity couple name
would be "Phlob."
You look at her,
and she's kind of matronly today.
But back in high school,
I swear her nickname was "Easy Rider."
Now, as for Bob...
Bob Vance...
Okay, that's enough. Thanks.
Is a guy that... Thanks, Michael.
Give me the microphone. He works...
Okay, hold on. Hold on, hold on.
Look, um...
I didn't say anything
when Phyllis' dad upstaged me at the ceremony.
And I think you owe me this, okay?
Give me the microphone.
No, I'm not going to.
It's okay. Okay, good.
You're outta here!
Yeah, I'm... you're outta here.
I hate you!
Hey!
Hey.
When are we gonna get to see
some of those famous Beesly dance moves?
Oh.
I'm pacing myself.
Come on, get out there!
Give the people what they want.
No, I'm such a dorky dancer.
I know!
And it's very cute.
Hypothetically, if I thought Pam was interested, then...
No, it's totally hypothetical.
Come... come on!
I can't let you in, Michael.
Dwight, just...
No, it's Bob and Phyllis' orders.
Look, I just wanted to go in
and quietly sit and have a piece of cake.
I'm not even gonna dance.
One song maybe.
You are a real-life wedding crasher
and I must bounce you.
I'm sorry. It gives me no pleasure.
Okay.
Hey.
They're playing our song, huh?
Yeah, that's weird.
I thought they only played The Police.
I know.
I, uh...
I gave 'em 20 bucks.
You wanna dance?
Hey, you want to get out of here?
Here's a non-hypothetical.
I'm really happy I'm with Karen.
[playing The Police's
One, two, three!
Totally! Yeah!
I just want Phyllis to have a great day.
Phyllis and you will be great together.
We are great together.
We are a great team.
The Celtics were a great team.
Yes, yes... they were.
Robert Parrish.
I should talk to her.
I don't want this to ruin her honeymoon.
Well, nobody ever helped me.
I had to do it myself.
Even the doctor didn't know.
Dude, keep it together.
I listened to you for a half an hour
even though most of that stuff
went right over my head.
Oh.
Phyllis...
Phyllis, wait, please?
I'm sorry.
I just wanted to make this a day to remember.
You found Uncle Al!
Yeah, yeah, he's kind of a weirdo.
Thank you, Michael. You're...
You're welcome.
They say that your wedding day
goes by in such a flash
that you're lucky if you even get
a piece of your own cake.
I say that's crazy.
I say, "Let them eat cake."
Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage.
Smart broad.
Be careful with the...
Oh no!
Oh, wow!
Phyllis, Phyllis! Come on!
You look like a clown. Here.
Get me, get me!
Ah!
Oh!