The Office (2005–2013): Season 3, Episode 12 - Traveling Salesmen - full transcript

Jim, could you come in here, please?
Hi, Jim.
Hello.
I am Harvey, a computer.
Jim sucks.
Sorry. Zing.
Oh, wow.
That's so rude.
I'm sorry, I can't control him.
Yeah, you can.
You know what? Get Pam. For this?
Pam.
Pam, you look very hot today.
Pam, meet Harvey.
This is Michael's new friend. Great.
Me so horny. Me love you long tim.
Whoa.
Oh, that is gross!
Who is "Long Tim"?
Damn it.
Long time.
Me love you a long time.
Oh, well, Yoy should bring Long Tim in one day.
I'd love to meet Long Tim.
Yeah, right? Yeah.
You ruined a funny joke.
You get out of my off-five.
Okay. Okay.
Bye, Harvey.
Boobs.
Angela. What?
That was a voice mail that corporate left last night.
They did not get our tax forms.
Did you send them?
They arrived this morning.
Are you sure?
It is a big deal.
Is it a big deal? Is it, Kevin?
Do you really not know?
Because it is a big deal.
Five of us transferred from Stamford.
There's two of us left.
Me and Karen.
It's like we're touring Willy Wonka's chocolate factory,
and dropping off one by one.
Well, guess what.
I'm not falling in a chocolate river.
Everything okay?
Just fine.
You are in the clear.
Thank you.
I don't... I don't want those.
Dwight,
care to join us, finally?
Thank you.
Hey, Dwight, pass the tardy sauce.
Get it, Michael?
Yes.
Okay, here is the dream team.
My sales dream team.
Today we are going to team up for sales calls.
Andy, since this was your idea,
you get to pick first.
Hmm, well,
let me think about this for a minute.
Oh, I don't know... Michael Scott.
Oh. PhD.
Doctor of sales.
Well, I appreciate that.
That's very gracious of you.
Well it is very gracious of you to accept.
Well, thank you, sir.
Okay, now going by seniority,
Phyllis, our resident senior.
We're the same age.
And I'll pick Karen.
Oh, uh, thanks.
Good.
Next up, the Super Fly himself,
Stanley.
Pass.
You can't pass. You gotta pick somebody.
I'll take the kid.
I'm very flattered.
I was his second choice, after "pass."
So that just leaves Dwight and Jim.
Okay, wait, does anyone want to trade?
Yeah, I'll trade.
Dwight and I used to go on sales calls all the time.
In fact, I have a picture to remember that time.
Oh, young Jim.
There's just so much I need to warn you about.
And yet, tragically, I cannot.
Sebring, by Chrysler.
A heck of a motor carriage.
Dwight, here ya go!
Yeah!
You want shirts on hangers? Please.
He does your laundry?
Long story.
All right, everybody, circle up.
Here we go.
You know that this is?
This is the Amazing Race.
And you guys are the retired marines.
And you guys are the mother/daughter.
And you guys are the gay couple.
And we are the firefighter heroes.
Are we ready to go?
Wait, Amazing Race, like, the biggest sale wins?
No, we're just gonna rush out,
do the sales thing, and come back.
Is there a prize?
Just bragging rights.
Then how is this Amazing Race?
It's just... brrrrr.
It's Amazing Race, Phyllis, okay?
We're in teams of two, and we are on a mission.
All right, so, on your mark,
get set, go.
Let's do it. Come on!
Michael... Whoa, whoa.
Oh, ho ho ho!
Vamanos. Bueno.
Do you have a pole?
Let's go get a broom.
Seriously, you're gonna sit in the back?
Uh, yeah.
It's the safest part of a car.
In the event of a crash,
the driver always protects his side first.
Here we go. Whoo!
In order to take down Dwight,
I have to chip away at his ally.
In this case, Michael.
And here's the good news.
Every success I've ever had,
in my job, or with the lady folk,
has come from my ability
to slowly and painfully
wear someone down.
What's the deal with Dwight doing your laundry?
That is a long story.
Um, a couple months ago,
Dwight tried to go behind my back with Jan
and get my job.
And I am now having him do my laundry as punishment.
Wow, that is a long story,
but quite well told, Michael.
I find it very interesting.
Especially the part about Dwight
going behind your back,
and basically being, like, a terrible person.
You know, if you want your laundry done right,
I used to work at Abercrombie.
So... pretty good folder.
Why are we turning in here?
This is a beauty salon.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, do you mind if I take the lead
on this one?
And then, you can critique me after.
You want the lead?
Yeah, if you don't mind.
Mind?
Nothing would delight me more.
Hey, Pam, would you like to go with me
to grab a coffee?
Really?
Yeah.
I thought you could use some fresh air.
It might be fun.
Okay, sure.
Okay.
Leave the keys.
You still do that thing?
Leave the keys.
I think that you have assembled
an amazing team in Scranton.
It's really a pleasure to be a part of it.
It's like everyone has their own special skill.
You know, just like the Super Friends.
Except for Dwight,
who's kind of more of a super dud.
I mean, he'd be a Super Friend,
if there was a Super Friend whose super power was
always being late.
You know?
Hawkman.
My plan is taking longer than I thought.
But I don't give up easily.
I have walked two marathons, so...
Let's go.
The men's room was disgusting.
After you, sir.
No, thank you.
I never let anyone walk behind me.
Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear.
Okay, well, that still leaves
a 30% chance that I'll attack you from the front.
Yeah, but it'll be easier to stop.
I can always block the blow.
Or I can counter...
Hey, did you catch that
up in Lake Wallenpaupack?
Yep.
You know, I used to go up there all the time
with my stepdad,
and I never caught anything that big.
I caught an 80-pound shark off Montauk.
It's in the Hamptons. Uh-huh.
My dad's got a 42-foot Bayliner.
Sniped it with a rifle from the crow's nest.
Also shot a deer once.
You know what? Let's get right down to it.
Dunder-Mifflin may be just two rooms and a warehouse,
but what we lack in flash,
we will make up for with hard work and decency...
Okay, this is the classic undersell.
Because you should know
we don't work out of a log cabin.
We trade on the New York Stock Exchange.
Ever heard of it? It's in New York.
I have to say I'm a little wary
of getting involved with a big company.
We've had some problems in the past.
I think what Andy is trying to express is that
while we have the resources of a large company,
we will give you the care and attention
of a small company.
Man, that is like poetry.
No.
I swear, this guy could sell paper to a tree.
No, stop it. Stop.
Ow.
Oh, man, talk about your classic lame-dash-o.
Do we even want that guy buying our paper?
Yes.
Angela, you seem so happy.
I bet you wish you were like this all the time.
This friend of mine... let's call her Noelle.
She missed this deadline
turning something in to corporate in New York.
But then this gallant gentleman...
we'll call him Curt.
He drove all the way to New York
and handed it in for her.
Because... I don't know.
I guess he just really likes her a lot.
Well, that's great.
Yes, it is.
Hello?
I'm... I'm so sorry, man.
I really screwed that up.
Oh... Really... no.
Don't worry about it.
I really Schruted it.
What?
Schruted it.
It just this thing people say around your office all the time.
Like when you screw something up
in a really irreversible way,
you Schruted it.
I don't know where it comes from, though.
You think it comes from Dwight Schrute?
I don't know.
Who knows how words are formed?
That's a big order. Thanks, Ken.
Yeah, thank you.
Hey, how's Annie?
Oh, she's great.
This is us last year in Bermuda.
Lovely place.
You ever been to Bermuda?
Stanley Hudson.
Ah, Julius. How's it going?
Great, great, great, great, great.
Stanley, so good to see you.
You too.
I'd like you fellas to meet Ryan Howard.
Hi.
I'm gonna let Ryan do a little pitch for you
while I do my crossword puzzle.
Ryan?
Um...
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hello, Ryan. Hi.
What do you have for us?
Oh...
We can offer our biggest discounts
on 30% recycled, and ultra-premium laser.
Okay. Okay.
Can I use your phone?
Yeah, sure, go ahead. Thanks.
Let me talk to you about a few of the other things
we can offer.
Namely, we know the tax season's coming up.
So by April 1st, we can have you fully stocked.
One...
Discount prices on ink cartridges.
Three...
And also any forms that you're gonna need,
Seven. we can custom make them.
And you just said, "Hi. Hi. Hi."
You sounded like...
My niece.
And she's six months old.
I appreciate what you guys are saying,
but it makes more fiscal sense
to go with one of the big guys.
Sure. That's true.
We can't compete with their prices.
But let me ask you something.
How important to you is customer service?
Very.
Please keep holding.
Your call is very important to us.
That's one of the "big guys."
Been on hold this whole time.
And this is Dunder-Mifflin.
Dunder-Mifflin customer service.
This is Kelly. Hey, Kelly, it's Jim.
Oh, my God, Jim, how are you?
Here's my card.
It's got my cell number, my pager number,
my home number, and my other pager number.
I never take vacations, I never get sick,
and I don't celebrate any major holidays.
All right, I get it.
We got a deal.
All right.
Thanks, that was fun.
Yeah.
I really enjoy spending time with you.
You're a very nice person.
Thank you.
And I'm so glad you're with Jim.
He was hung up on Pam for such a long time.
I didn't think he'd ever get over her.
That's nice.
You can pay me back later for the makeover.
Whew!
Hey, boss.
- Got a minute? - Yes, Andy.
I forget, why did Dwight say he was late this morning?
He didn't say.
That's weird.
Because I was just walking past his desk,
and I saw this, which is a toll booth receipt
from New York City,
stamped really early this morning.
Why would Dwight go to New York
without telling anyone?
You think he went to see Jan?
That's not like him.
Is it?
Someone told me a story about this,
with, like, laundry and betrayal.
Did you betray Dwight,
and try to steal his job or something?
No, you are remembering it wrong.
Dwight betrayed me once before.
So this is his strike two.
You know what they say.
Fool me once, strike one.
But fool me twice...
strike three.
I like Karen. She's pretty.
Appears intelligent.
Well, I like pretty women
who have the appearance of intelligence.
My girlfriend is also beautiful and smart.
She could be a model, or a college professor
which is intimidating to a lot of guys.
We should go on a double date.
No, thank you.
Dwight's name is on the security sign-in sheet,
but I don't know who he met with.
And where it asks you to state your business,
he wrote "Beeswax Not Yours, Inc."
I knew it.
Oooooh, doggy.
Hey,
you wanna grab a coffee?
Sure.
Look at you.
Yeah.
Hey, we nailed the sale.
Where were you this morning?
I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow.
Why do you lie, liar?
I am not a liar.
You are lying right now.
Sure seems like he's lying.
Stay out of this, you.
I know that you went to corporate this morning.
And I know that you lied about it.
And given our history...
I need you to tell me right now
exactly what you were doing this morning.
Michael, I cannot tell you what I was doing there.
But you have to trust me.
I would never do anything to hurt you
or this company.
Okay, you know what?
I want you to think about your future
at this company.
I want you to think about it long and hard.
That's what she said.
Don't you dare.
I want to know what you were doing this morning
by the end of the day.
It's gonna be okay.
How's it gonna be okay, Dwight?
Everyone will know our business.
That's not the worst thing in the world.
I'll just stand up in front of the office,
and reveal our true love.
It won't be that bad.
Look at Kelly and Ryan.
I hate those two people
more than anything in the entire world.
Well, I don't have a lot of choices.
So let me ask you a question.
Okay.
Did you ever have a thing for Pam?
Pam?
Did I ever have a thing for her?
No.
Why, did she say something?
I moved here from Connecticut.
Yeah...
Okay, here's the...
I had... a crush on her
before I left.
And I told her about it,
and she didn't feel the same way.
So it didn't amount to anything,
and I left.
I'm really glad you're here.
Okay?
Okay.
Ahem.
May I have your attention, please?
This will only take a moment of your time.
Although I love this company
more than almost anything in the world,
I have decided to step down from my post
and spend more time with my family.
I do not fear the unknown.
I will meet my new challenges head on,
and I will succeed.
And I will laugh in the faces of those who doubt me.
It's been a pleasure working with some of you,
and I will not forget those of you soon.
But remember, while today it is me,
we all shall fall.
In other words, I'm quitting.
So...
I would like to give the rest of my belongings...
to Michael Scott.
Just take it.
Except this.
Good luck.
And this one. Oops.
Dwight will be missed.
Not by me... so much.
But he will be missed.
Dwight... from sales...
was one of the most honorable and efficient employees
this company has ever had.
One of my life goals was to die right here,
in my desk chair.
And today, that dream was shattered.
Hey, man.
What happened on your sales call?
Um, am I happy about the way things turned out?
Well, happy's such an ugly word.
But I saw what needed to be done,
and I did it.
And now I'm thrilled.
So it's pretty...
Hello?
Pretty good.