The Office (2005–2013): Season 3, Episode 10 - A Benihana Christmas - full transcript

Merry Christmas.
Why are you... why did you bring that here?
Don't worry. She's dead.
Oh, wait...
He's dead.
Dwight, what... uhh!
I accidentally ran over it.
It's a Christmas miracle.
Well, get it out of here.
Relax, okay?
And because this is Christmas,
I am going to roast this goose
and prepare it with a wild rice dressing.
Do we have any cayenne pepper in the kitchen?
Merry Christmas, Dwight.
Jim.
Wow. What have we got here?
What does it look like?
Dead goose.
And circle gets the square.
All right.
So can you watch this?
I'm gonna get my carving knife
out of the trunk.
Ah, Dwight, we talked about this.
No, Toby, this is different.
He is already dead.
Once, I brought in a duck to prepare for lunch.
And people got upset.
Apparently, they got attached to the duck
and didn't want to see it killed.
He was already dead.
And we Schrutes use every part of the goose.
The meat has a delicious, smoky, rich flavor.
Plus, you can use the molten goose grease
and save it in the refrigerator.
Thus saving you a trip to the store
for a can of expensive goose grease.
Wow, win-win.
Exactly. Thank you, Jim.
I like goose. And it's already dead.
Is it so crazy if we eat it?
That is crazy. It's crazy.
Dwight, you cannot keep that here.
Okay, that is ridiculous.
And totally against the spirit of Christmas.
Come on, Dwight.
We went over this, like, for a half an hour.
It's Christmas, Toby.
It's a dead animal in our office, you can't...
Toby...
I'm sorry.
Please?
Please?
Clean it in your car.
I would like it off my desk.
Oh, Pam. Take a chill pill.
Ah!
Hey!
I would like
a nice slice
of Christmas Pam.
Side of candy Pams.
And perhaps...
some Pam chops.
- Can I help you, Michael? - With mint.
I'm looking for the toy drive box.
It's behind you.
Okay.
Well, I need to put this bike in there.
I hope it'll fit
with all these little knickknacks.
Wow. What kind of bike is that?
Um, I don't know. Average kind.
The tires look pretty worn.
Well, that is probably from the test drive.
But the paint's chipping.
Is that your old bike, Michael?
No.
Yo, Michael. Sweet ride, Mike.
Oh, thanks.
Michael...
Yes?
Oh, Pam.
That is so sweet.
You didn't have to do that.
I didn't. It's from corporate.
Okay.
Did everybody get one of these?
- Yep. - Terrific.
Good.
This is going to be the best Christmas ever.
My girlfriend Carol is coming to our party tonight.
And I have a little surprise for her.
Um, taking her to Sandals, Jamaica.
All-inclusive.
All-inclusive.
You know what that means.
Right?
Yeah.
Oh, I think you're supposed to put a toy in the box, Creed.
And a happy holiday to you.
Carol.
Hi, is Michael around here?
There she is!
A Christmas Carol.
Hello.
You're about five hours early to the party.
Oh, you're such a blonde.
- Michael... - Hey, everybody!
I don't know who you haven't met yet,
but I think this is one of them.
This is my girlfriend, Carol.
This is just the front of her.
Show 'em... show 'em the other side.
- What? - Turn around.
Turn around. Come on.
Get out of here.
Oh, you get out of here.
- Michael... - Yes?
If I may say,
she's even prettier than you described her.
Oh, ouch!
Michael, I don't think there's anything wrong
with the way you described her.
Thank you.
I really need a moment alone with you.
Not as much as I need a moment alone with you.
Brrp!
What is this?
That is my Christmas card.
It's a picture of you and me and your kids on a ski trip,
having a blast.
"Ski-son's Greetings."
No, see, we never went on a ski trip.
I know, I know.
- I went on a ski trip... - Right.
Two years ago, with my kids and my ex-husband.
Yes, but what you didn't realize at the time
was that I was with you, in a sense.
- I was in your heart. - Michael...
And next to your kids. What?
This is so weird.
I don't understand.
It's a bold move to Photoshop yourself
into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids
on a ski trip with their real father.
But then again, Michael's a bold guy.
Is bold the right word?
I think you're a really sweet guy.
Okay.
But, um...
I don't know how to deal with...
with, like this... thing.
And... and the proposal.
And I don't think things are gonna work out with us.
No, no, no, no. Okay, okay.
You know what? You're not thinking straight.
You know what you need?
You need...
to think this through in...
Jamaica's largest freshwater pool.
What are you talking about?
I got us tickets...
to Sandals, Jamaica.
We leave day after tomorrow.
You had better find
the skimpiest bikini there is.
Michael...
And it's all-inclusive.
Michael... Yes?
I'm sorry.
No, Carol.
You walk out that door, and it is over.
I know.
Psst!
Jim.
Um, hey.
Hey.
I need to give you your Christmas gift now.
Because, um...
Well, I'll just tell you.
What?
For the past few months,
I've been sending Dwight letters from the CIA.
Are you serious?
They're considering him for a top-secret mission.
There's his application.
And this is where I made him list
every secret he promised he'd never, ever tell.
"Last year, my boss, Michael Scott,
"took a day off, 'cause he said he had pneumonia,
"but really, he was leaving early
to go to magic camp."
Wow.
So here's the gift.
You get to decide what his top secret mission is.
Sorry I didn't wrap it.
You know what? Um...
I really don't think
I should be doing this stuff anymore, though.
Oh.
No, just 'cause of the promotion.
Oh, yeah. Just feels a little bit like, uh...
No, I get it.
Of course.
Okay.
Oh.
I feel like there's a chance for me to start over.
And... if I fall back
into the same kind of things I used to do, then...
what am I doing?
I'd like everybody's attention.
Christmas is canceled.
You can't cancel a holiday.
Keep it up, Stanley, and you will lose New Year's.
What does that mean?
Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley!
Michael,
what's going on?
Carol and I...
split up.
Amicably.
And I just don't think it would be appropriate
to celebrate under the circumst...
Will they still air Rudolph?
That's not fair.
Are we going to cancel Hanukkah as well?
Fine!
Have your party!
Just no guests.
But we invited guests.
Well, you know what, Phyllis?
All of your guests
would have probably canceled
at the last minute anyway.
Leaving your life
a stupid, rotten mess.
Okay.
It hurts.
I know.
It hurts my heart.
It hurts my stomach.
Hurts my arms.
Okay, well, why are you laying like that?
Thanks.
How did you push away the bad thoughts?
Like what?
Like maybe the real reason they left
was because... there were things
they wanted you to do
in bed... that were...
- Wha... um... - ...foreign and scary.
I... I don't believe...
And not that you didn't wanna try them.
Some wine might have helped.
Do you know what I'm referring to?
I don't need to know.
Michael... Yep?
Sorry to interrupt.
It appears we're one bathrobe short.
Take it from Toby.
Copy.
Pam, would you like to go to Sandals, Jamaica with me?
No, thank you.
It's all... okay.
Hey, Dwight.
Some pretty nice robes there.
Why?
Phyllis, I need you to pick up green streamers
at lunch.
I thought you said green was whorish.
No, orange is whorish.
Uh, so I had a couple of ideas
to make the Stamford people feel more at home.
Each year, we have a Christmas raffle.
Cool. It would never work here.
Okay.
Um, another idea was... karaoke.
No.
A Christmas drinking game.
Yes.
God help you.
What?
These are all terrible ideas.
And none of them are on the theme
of a Nutcracker Christmas.
I think you should leave.
You're kidding.
You tried this out.
And it's clearly not for you.
It's time to go.
Come on.
Please? Thank you.
Okay. Thank you very much.
What are you doing?
We are getting rid of everything
that reminds you of Carol.
Hey, what's a-haps?
Carol?
No.
Oh, look at this.
Your old condo closing papers.
Ew, it's riddled with Carol's name.
I wish I could throw this in the box.
Why don't you just buy the whole song?
I don't have to buy it.
I just wanna taste it.
That's all.
I just want a little taste of it.
Oh, look at this.
She saved you $2,000
'cause they failed to report a mold problem.
But wouldn't that affect the final...
How did she...
Oh... oh, I see what she did.
That is good. Wow.
That Carol is one smart cookie.
This is an old adage,
but they say that when you find true love,
you know within the first 24 hours.
With Carol,
I knew within the first 24 minutes
of the second day I met her.
I feel like I've been kind of cold to Karen.
And there's no real reason for it.
I mean, it's not like she's ever done anything to me.
So... I think I probably shouldn't be cold to her.
Hey... Karen... um...
Sorry about that meeting today.
That was really crazy.
Yeah, right? I'm so glad you said that.
Because I don't know how those meetings usually go.
Um, usually like that.
Does anyone ever stand up to Angela?
I think one of her cats did once.
She came in with scratches all over her face.
Right.
Um... I really liked your karaoke idea.
Oh, cool, yeah.
That could really be fun.
You guys do a raffle?
Yeah, we do a raffle.
Hey, Kev.
Hey.
This should have been up yesterday.
It'll be all right.
What is that?
"The Committee to Plan Parties
invites you to a Margarita-Karaoke Christmas."
There's no such thing as the Committee to Plan Parties.
There is now. We just started it.
Well, you can't just start a committee.
You have to have funding.
What's your funding?
$200.
What's ours again?
Um, $201.
Right.
Hey!
A Margarita-Karaoke Christmas party.
That sounds like fun.
No, that is not a party.
There's only one party,
and it's hosted by the party planning committee,
and it starts at 3:00.
Then why are there two flyers?
I understand that this is confusing for everyone.
Let me explain.
There's a party that starts at 3:00.
Right.
And then there's a way more fun party
that starts at 2:45.
Right, and if you're interested
in the way more fun party,
all the info can be found here
on our more brightly-colored flyer.
I didn't see where it was.
Yep, looks like the Scranton people
and the Stamford people
are finally coming together.
And that's what you want, right?
I think that's a really good...
Pam and Karen, I am ordering you
to cease and desist all party planning immediately.
You can't do that.
As ranking number three in this office...
Um, eh... I'm number three.
You're number four.
- Yeah, but I'm number three. - Uh, no.
You must turn over to me all Christmas decorations
and party paraphernalia immediately
that will be returned to you on January 4th.
Okay, I think I can help here.
Okay, good.
As ranking number two, I am starting a committee
to determine the validity of the two committees.
And I am the sole member.
The committee will act on this now.
Okay, this is stupid.
Could you please keep it down? I'm in session.
I've determined this committee is valid.
What? No, no!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Permission to join the validity committee.
Permission denied.
Damn it!
Hey.
I can't concentrate when I know you're in pain, man.
Let me take you to lunch.
Come on, my treat.
All right.
Nothing here to distract myself with anyway.
That's my boy.
I know the perfect place too.
Hooters?
No, Benihana.
Much classier.
But don't worry.
The babes are totally hot too.
Well, I need my entourage.
Jim, Dwight, Ryan.
Come on, we're going to Asian Hooters.
Oh, man, I can't.
- Why not? - I'm not feeling so well.
I got a ton of work to do here.
MSG allergy, peanut allergy.
I just ate there last night.
Okay. Feel better.
Thanks.
Come on, Jim. Let's go.
Okay.
Wow... thanks for taking all the excuses, dude.
Doctor appointment, car trouble, plantar warts,
granddad fought in WWII.
Use your head, man. I keep mine in here.
Look alive, Halpert. Welcome back.
Bros before hoes! Why?
Because your bros are always there for you.
They have got your back
after your ho rips your heart out
for no good reason.
And you were nothing but great to your ho,
and you told her that she was the only ho for you,
and that she was better than all the other hoes in the world.
And then...
then suddenly, she's not your ho no mo'.
So... she looks really hot.
So I said,
"You look hotter than usual today."
Thank you.
Michael.
Head of the table.
Just get in right there. Good.
Jim.
Actually, um...
Excuse me, sir, I'm gonna need to take this chair.
- Dwight, just leave them... - So...
Leave them alone.
Please. They're on a date.
They look very happy.
So she looks at me, right?
And she goes, "I'm sorry, do I even know you?"
After a year.
A year of buying lattes from her.
- Do you believe that? - Yes.
I can't, uh,
I can't hear what you're saying!
Carol used to drink lattes.
Who are you talking about?
She would get this little foam mustache.
Carol had a mustache?
And I used to say, "Hey, got latte?"
And she'd say, "That's not funny."
What are you guys talking about?
She totally got me.
She understood...
that we didn't have to laugh
- Michael! - to enjoy each other.
Repeat what you said, louder.
It is my job to be there for Michael.
How can I be there for Michael
if I'm here for Michael?
I'm already starting to forget what color eyes she had.
I can't... okay. I'm gonna call her.
- I am going to call and find out... - No!
Who are you calling?
- Put it away. - I'm gonna call her.
Put that away. SOS... we... hi.
Mayday.
Man down over here. We need your help.
What can I get for ya?
I think we'll start with a round of Nog-a-sakes.
One part eggnog. Three parts sake!
Some places won't make it for you, though,
because eggnog is seasonal.
You should put out salt for the rims.
That's a great idea.
Phyllis?
I was just getting a snack.
You can have your snack in here.
Pam, don't tell her what to do.
Phyllis...
Oh... okay.
I think I'll go to Angela's party
because that's the party I know.
I miss the days when there was only one party
I didn't want to go to.
So I only use three?
If you're using more than three pieces of tape
to wrap a present, you're doing it wrong.
Okay, and where'd you get all those cool bows?
Oh, I just get those at any party supply place.
Okay.
Are you sure I can't use, like,
the cartoons from the newspaper?
Oh, yeah, your mom would love that.
Hey. Hey.
All right, I'll see you guys later.
Bye.
He's cute.
You should date him.
Oh...
Yeah, maybe.
Looks like you got
a little nakiri knife action going there.
No, it's usuba.
Yeah, I bet you wish you had a nakiri, though.
Actually, the usuba's the better knife
when you're working with this quantity.
Eh, I don't know.
Still think nakiri's better.
I think he'd know.
Nothing he's doing is cheering me up.
Wait for the onion. Trust me.
Hey, Cindy.
He just had his heart broken.
You wouldn't do that to him, would you?
I don't know.
Oh, sure you would. Look at you.
I bet you break up with a guy every hour.
You made her laugh!
Yes! She totally digs us.
Watch, watch.
Huh? Huh?
What did I tell you?
You're right. That's good.
Hello, everyone.
We would just like to announce
that our party is starting now
in the break room, so...
I have a very important
announcement to make.
About...
your paychecks.
Um... your paychecks will be arriving
as scheduled on Friday.
And they will be in the correct amount
that they normally are in.
Please stand by for a very important announcement
further regarding your paycheck!
I need to know if I can start the party.
Michael!
Hey!
Over here, Michael!
I don't know. No one can hear me.
You know what? Start the party.
Did Michael give you permission to do this?
Start the party.
Also, I would like to inform you
that, um,
as a special treat, my party will be starting early.
In fact, it will be starting...
right now.
- Our party is also starting now. - Yep.
- All right, Stanley. - Good choice.
Woo!
Welcome, Hannah. You will not be disappointed.
Why would I be disappointed?
I said you wouldn't be disappointed.
Meredith, if you don't come to my party,
you will be very, very sorry.
Is that a threat?
No, it's an invitation.
- We have vodka! - Lots of it.
I hear Angela's party will have double fudge brownies.
But it will also have Angela.
So, double fudge. Angela.
Double fudge... Angela.
Hmm...
Brownies.
Cupcakes.
Don't push it.
Are we taking this too far? You know what?
I don't think we're taking this far enough.
What?
I got goose bumps.
I don't back down.
My sister and I used to be best friends,
and we haven't talked in 16 years
over some disagreement I don't even remember.
So... yeah, I'm pretty good.
Oh! Damn, this chicken is good.
My compliments to the chef.
Which is you!
Right?
Awesome!
I need some meat.
I want some steak.
That guy's got steak.
- Excuse me. - Excuse me.
En garde!
It's family style.
No, it's not.
Oh, God. Cindy!
- Cindy! - I love steak.
I love it!
I want you to close your eyes
and imagine your dream house.
Come on!
Do it for Michael. He's had a really long day.
What are you doing?
This is great.
Jim! Jim!
What... what's happening?
Oh, she's asleep.
Oh, narcolepsy.
Probably.
Okay, now open your eyes
and describe it to me.
I don't know.
It has four bedrooms and a loft.
- Oh, my God. Now she's up. - Yeah?
And she's trying to describe
how to correctly butcher a goose,
but she's having trouble coming up with it.
Okay. Cindy!
Yo, Cindy, Cindy.
Hold its neck back,
insert the knife beneath the jaw,
bring it all the way around.
There's gonna be a good amount of blood.
Have a bucket there for the blood
and the innards and the feathers.
Oh, no, this is different.
The CIA thing, that was a prank on Dwight.
This is more like a, um...
Okay, it's pretty much the same thing.
What do you think?
Fruity and delicious.
See, I told you. You want one, Meredith?
No thanks. They're too sweet.
Hey, so what's the status?
Looks like they forgot the power cord.
- What? - Oh, you're kidding me.
- No. - Oh, God.
You guys, guys.
I'm sorry,
but there's a problem with the karaoke machine.
Well, that blows.
Hang on, little ladies. You don't need this thing.
I'll go grab my synthesizer.
Darryl! Darryl! Darryl!
Darryl! Darryl!
Darryl! Darryl! Darryl!
- Hi. - Hey.
Hey, look when you get done with your... meeting
you should come to the break room.
We're having a party.
- Oh, okay. - All right? See you later.
These nuts are really hard to crack.
Try harder then.
Uh-uh, no one has seconds until everyone's had some.
You've got to be kidding.
You've got to be kidding.
Cold, huh?
Yeah.
That'll help.
Is it cold in there?
They have been checking us out all night.
I am not kidding!
We should invite them to the Christmas party.
Now you are thinking. Yes!
And you know what?
Because you have had such a rough day,
you get Cindy.
Oh, you are such a mensch, my friend.
Okay, where is everybody?
I would like them to meet my new girlfriend.
I'm sure they'll want to meet her too.
The least I could do
was give some poor sick kid a bike.
That rocks.
Yeah, you rock.
Tell you what. If you want it, it's yours.
Thanks!
I want to give you something.
Oh.
That's what she said?
Hello!
I would like everybody to meet
my new girlfriend.
And my new girlfriend.
Where's Dwight?
Is he the hot one or the giant baby?
The giant baby.
Wow, I am so sorry.
I had no idea this party'd be so lame.
There's another party in the break room.
Oh, party in the break room.
Let's go, let's go. Thank God.
Let's go to the break room.
Hey, excuse me! Waitress lady, hey!
Where do you think you're going with that?
I thought I could have it.
You can't have it.
I don't walk into your house
and steal your Hello Kitty backpack.
Ssshut it!
Come on, party.
Hey, it's Angela!
I just think that there are two...
two specific kinds of people in the world.
People who own houses and people who own condos.
All right?
And my question to you
is do you agree?
Do I agree about what?
Do you agree about what?
Wow!
You're lucky you're so darn cute.
What are you talking about? Huh?
What are you talking about?
Way to go, Kev. Good work.
Did you have fun at Benihana's?
No, it was awful.
I couldn't hear anything.
I've had the worst day here.
Dwight, you won the raffle.
No way! Yeah!
Open it, open it!
- Do you like it? - Walkie-talkies!
Can I talk to you a sec?
Yes!
Well, the Committee to Plan Parties has served its purpose.
We're gonna disband in the name of Christmas.
In the name of Nutcracker Christmas.
Angela, we've been hearing really great things
about your brownies.
And we were hoping you'd consider
merging the two parties.
I'm not sure.
Does your karaoke machine have Christmas songs?
Yeah, but we don't have a power cord.
Oh, I may have seen it somewhere.
Is it this one?
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Thanks.
We'll go tell everyone.
Okay.
When you know, you just know.
Right?
Right.
Check her out.
My little gal over there? Babe-a-lectible.
Which one is she?
It's one of those two.
You don't know?
Dude, you should know.
Yeah, well, it's been hard.
They're wearing the exact same uniform.
And I've been drinking.
And you know how all...
waitresses look alike.
I honestly don't see what the big deal is.
Stevie Wonder is married.
Are you going to tell me that Steve Wonder
doesn't love his wife just because he's not sure
what she looks like?
Hey!
Where's my girl?
Is she in the fridge?
Where is she hiding?
I don't know where she is.
Oh, 'cause I'm drunk.
I can't even find her. Argh-argh!
You know where I am. I do!
Hi!
I just haven't hugged you in a while.
Mmm!
Good. That felt good.
Let's go party.
Monkey, this is Possum. Do you copy?
Copy, Possum. What's your 20?
No way!
What a horrible, horrible movie that was.
And now I get to remember it forever.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
- Hey. - Hey. Hey you!
How are you?
This party blows, so we're gonna leave.
No, no, no.
Hey, you should stay because we're having fun.
And... where do you want to go?
I... we're just gonna take off.
You know what? I... okay, listen.
I like you.
I really like you.
So much, in fact, that
I would like you to accompany me
on a trip to Sandals Jamaica.
No, I have school.
You want help? Okay.
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas.
That waitress was the one.
No, she wasn't.
How can you be sure?
Well, for starters,
I've known you as a couple
since the beginning of the relationship,
which was approximately three hours ago.
Don't make fun of me. You're making fun of me.
Sorry.
I guess I didn't know her very well.
I marked her arm.
You what?
I... I put a mark on her arm.
So I could tell 'em apart.
I don't... I know, I know.
I can't believe I gave her my bike.
Yeah.
Why do I feel like crap?
You just had a rebound.
Had a rebound.
Yeah.
Which, don't get me wrong,
can be a really fun distraction.
But when it's over,
you're left thinking about the girl you really like.
The one that broke your heart.
I totally rebounded.
Someone else shoots,
and I take the ball and I score.
Well, I guess I didn't really score.
And I'm not sure who is actually shooting,
but... whatever.
Doesn't matter.
It's all good.
Or as my ex might say,
"Domo arigato, Mr. Scott-o."
Um, yes, I just wanted to see
if you would like to come to Jamaica with me.
There's this resort called Sandals.
Really?
Okay. All right.
I promise you won't be disappointed.
Um, it's all-inclusive.
Too soon.
- Night, Pam. - Night.
Oh, you know what?
Sorry, I forgot to tell you.
I intercepted a transmission earlier,
and it seems that the CIA is gonna need Dwight
down at their headquarters at Langley for training
and an ice cream social with the other agents.
We should get him a bus ticket.
To make his trip easier.
Oh, no, that would be very patriotic.
It costs $75.
Hmm.
Well, maybe the CIA could send a helicopter.
Oh!
What the...
"You have been compromised.
Abort mission. Destroy phone."
Destroy phone.