The Office (2005–2013): Season 2, Episode 6 - The Fight - full transcript

Where is my desk?
That is weird.
This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional.
Okay. Well, you're the one who lost the desk.
I didn't lose my desk.
Calm down. Where was the last place you saw it?
Okay, who moved my desk?
I think you should retrace your steps.
Okay, I am going
to tell Michael
and this entire office will be punished.
Colder.
Warmer.
Little warmer.
There you go. Ooh, warmer.
Warmer.
With enthusiasm. Warmer.
Warmer. Warmer.
Cold. Cold. Cold.
Back up.
Ooh. Ooh. Warmer.
Hot. Red hot. Hot.
Very hot.
Dwight Schrute.
Hi, Dwight.
Um, what sort of discounts are we giving
on the 20 pound white?
Jim, I've given you this information like 20 times.
I know.
It's by the ream?
Uh, yeah.
It is now 9.78.
So it's a discount of 7%.
Okay, thank you. Gotta get back to work.
Wash your hands, Kevin.
Right.
Oh, well, let me just check the pricing list.
Hold on one second. Sensei.
Hello, it's sempai.
You know what, let me give you a call right back.
I'm going to find it and then I'll call you back.
Thanks.
Yes, I just had a ques...
Yes, sensei.
Arigato goazai mashta.
Hai.
Was that your mom?
No. That was my sensei.
Oh, thought it was your mom.
I am now sempai,
which is assistant sensei.
Assistant to the sensei, that's pretty cool.
Assistant sensei. Okay.
I am a practitioner of Goju-Ryu Karate
here in Scranton.
Huh!
- 2. - Huh!
Dwight, stamp and kick back. 3.
Huh!
My sensei, Ira,
recently promoted me to purple belt
and gave me the duties of a sempai.
Not that a lot of people here in America
know what a sempai is.
But it's equally as respected as a sensei.
I don't want to stay until 7:00 again this year.
I don't really have any control over that, Stanley.
Michael tends to procrastinate a bit
whenever he has to do work.
Um, time cards.
He has to sign these every Friday.
Purchase orders have to be approved
at the end of every month.
And expense reports.
All he has to do is initial these
at the end of every quarter.
But once a year, it all falls on the same Friday.
And that's today.
I call it the perfect storm.
Did you ask me here for any specific reason?
Ah, yes. I did.
Here's the bizzle.
I have a very top secret mission for you.
I want you to update all the emergency contact information.
Why is that secret?
Hello. Oh, God.
Busy work. Get away. Get away.
Ah, cretin.
Um, I put stickers so you know where to sign.
Yes, thanks. I know where to sign.
It's just that last year, you...
Last year, they were out of order,
weren't they, Pam?
Well, the last pickup for overnight deliveries
is at 7:00, so you need to have them signed by then
or much earlier.
Chillax, Pam. Stop Pam-MSing.
That's pretty good.
Um, actually, I'm sending Ryan
on a top secret mission.
Tell her what it is.
Updating emergency contacts.
Well, is that really a priority?
Is it a priority?
Oh, I don't know.
Um, what if there's a tornado, Pam?
People's legs are crushed under rubble.
Please, would you be so kind as to call my wife?
No. I can't.
Because we don't have any emergency contact information
because Pam said it wasn't a priority.
Think. Think with your head, Pam.
Okay, well, she walks out.
That's the problem with being a boss
is that when you are tough, they resent you
and when you are cool, they walk all over you.
Catch-22.
Catch-22. Yes.
Why don't you give me
your contact information to start with, okay?
What's your cell?
Uh, Larissa Halpert.
What's her address?
Uh, Vonburgen Street.
Hello.
Hey, Ryan.
This is Michael Jackson
calling from Wonderland.
You mean Neverland?
This is Tito.
What?
Your major and minor lines
cross at a ridge.
That sucks.
You're making this up as you go along, aren't you?
I am just following the web site.
Well...
at least I don't have cavities.
Yes, you have very nice teeth.
Thanks.
Who's your emergency contact?
Stacey.
Pick up.
Hello?
This is Mike Tyson.
Hey, Dwight.
As sempai, do you ever think there's gonna be a day
where humans and robots can peacefully coexist?
Impossible.
The way they're programmed...
You're mocking me. No, I'm not.
Well, let me offer you a little piece of advice.
I am not afraid to make an example out of you.
Well, that's not advice.
What advice sounds like is this.
Um, don't ever bring your purple belt to work
because someone might steal it.
Okay, give that back to me.
Okay, say please.
No. That is not a toy.
Please. Please.
Good. And it absolutely is a toy.
Arigato. Arigato.
This is not a toy.
This is a message
for the entire office so that everyone
could see that I am capable
of physically dominating them.
And this is more of a yin yang thing.
The Michael is all cursive, Scott all caps.
Left brain, right brain.
Or a duality of man.
Could you practice on the forms?
No women or children unless provoked.
Okay. Roy.
Warehouse guy. Doesn't count.
Okay. Michael. Could you beat up Michael?
Yeah, I don't think that would happen.
Cause we're friends.
Because I would kick his ass.
Well, Dwight's purple belt.
So? I've beat up black belts. Yeah.
How'd you know they were black belts?
They told me after.
See, I used to run with a very tough crowd,
street fighter types.
Real, real bad people.
I'm just lucky I got out.
Is your wife still your contact?
Uh, ex-wife, yeah.
Uh, her last name is Becker now.
Okay.
You don't need to write "ex".
And after that,
nobody ever messed with the damn rascals ever again.
Sounds tough.
When you're a Jet,
you're a Jet all the way, right? You're a Jet?
Have you signed the expense reports yet?
Yes, in theory I have.
I just need to cross some Ts and dot some Is.
All right.
I am going to be in my office,
if anybody needs me.
Hoo! Ha!
Oh, wow. Michael.
Sleeper hold. Bed time for vato.
Oh.
Stop it.
Oh ho ho ho.
You are the weakest link.
Ow!
I'm friends with everybody in this office.
We're all best friends. I love everybody here.
But sometimes your best friends
start coming in to work late
and start having dentist appointments
that aren't dentist appointments.
And that is when it's nice to let them know
that you could beat them up.
Just hit me. You'll see.
I can't.
Cause I just got a manicure.
Oh, queer! Eye. Queer Eye.
That's a good show. Important show.
Go ahead. Do it.
Just have Dwight punch you.
Oh, yeah. Well, that would be kind of worthless
because I know a ton of 14-year-old girls
who could kick his ass.
You know a ton of 14-year-old girls.
Look. Dwight is a wuss. When we rented Armageddon,
he cried at the end of it.
No, Michael, I told you.
That was because it was New Year's Eve
and it started to snow at exactly midnight.
Bruce Willis.
They're going to leave him on the asteroid.
Okay, I'll punch you.
Oh, okay. Here we go.
All right. Come on.
Gah!
Oh!
Did I want to harm Michael,
the one man I've been hired to protect?
No, I did not.
Are you okay?
Yes.
Are you sure you're all right?
Yeah. Yeah.
Thank you.
I come from a long line of fighters.
My maternal grandfather
was the toughest guy I ever knew.
World War II veteran.
Killed 20 men then spent the rest of the war
in an allied prison camp.
My father battled blood pressure and obesity
all his life.
Different kind of fight.
Okay, he has to be stopped.
Please, please, please, please, just ask Michael.
I don't know.
Ha.
Okay. I'll buy you a bag of chips.
French onion?
Obviously. Why are you spinning around?
Okay. Yes.
Take this pen.
Go away.
I just have a quick question.
I haven't signed them yet, okay?
No, it's not that.
Um, I was just wondering,
since I'm probably going to have to stay late,
could you ask Dwight to stay late too
so he can walk me to my car?
Come in.
Uh, Pam,
but Dwight can't stop you from being mugged.
He's just not tough enough.
He's a purple belt. That's really high.
Oh, I could beat up Dwight. That's ridiculous.
I can murder him.
It's just that out there, you...
Oh, is that what they're saying?
Yeah, kind of. Okay. All right.
Where's Dwight? Uh, kitchen.
Okay.
Try it again. Here we go.
Hi-yah! Good.
Wow, it was actually pretty good, right?
Excellent. Now watch. Let me take you from behind.
- What? - Watch out, Kelly.
Might sucker punch you.
I didn't sucker punch you, Michael.
In case you didn't remember, I was defending my honor.
Like a samurai. Really?
Yeah. Well, the offer, Dwight,
was for one punch, which I absorbed.
I had no idea that there'd be a second punch.
So catch-22.
Okay, fine. Tit for tit.
Give it your best shot. Two punches. Go.
Look. If we were in a bar right now,
there would be two punches.
Me punching you and you hitting the floor.
No, I'd block your first punch
rendering you ineffective. Oh, really?
Yeah. You know what,
you're just lucky that we're at work right now.
Ooh, what about Dwight's dojo?
No, they just have classes.
It's free during the day. It's fine.
I've got the key. Hey, Michael.
Hey, Toby. Any word on those time cards?
Hey, you know what? I have an idea.
Why don't you leave right now?
Why don't you walk away from the room, okay?
Fine.
We'll go at lunch.
Pam, make an announcement.
Figure out carpools.
Um, well, we're all getting excited
to see this fight.
The Albany Branch is working right through lunch
to prevent downsizing.
But Michael, he decided to extend our lunch
by an hour so that we could all go down to the dojo
and watch him fight Dwight.
Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight.
Fight. I'm coming. Fight.
Sorry.
I recognize that.
That is Japanese for California roll.
Uh, no, it's not.
I think it is. A guy told me about that.
Actually, it's a symbol for eternal discipline.
Oh.
Wow. That is really interesting.
What?
Your love l... I'm just kidding.
I can't see anything.
Look closer.
Okay.
One point for me.
Tied up. Oh, you're dead.
What? What are you going to do?
Bring it, Beesly. Bring it.
Ooh, yeah. Good move.
Ooh, not such an ultimate fighter now, huh?
Oh, put me down.
Put me down.
Oh my God. Hey, put me down.
Hey.
Okay, gentlemen, listen up.
After a clean strike to the chest,
stomach, or kidneys,
I will separate you and award a point.
First person to three wins, all right?
Yes, sensei. Lot of rules.
Lot of rules. On the street, we didn't have any rules.
Maybe one. No kicks to the groin.
Home for dinner.
Hajime! Ha-yah!
Whoa, hey! What the hell was that?
Dwight. Yes!
No way. One point.
All right. That's the way you want to do it?
Two more! You want to play dirty, huh? Okay, game on, man.
Sweep the leg.
I'm coming at you, man.
Ha! Okay, purple belt.
Okay. I got it.
No. I got his pants.
That was my pants. No points for pants.
Dwight, you have... No, look.
No, you have something. You have something.
God, you look like such an idiot.
Hoo! Ha ha!
Clean technique, gentlemen.
Come on. Do that again. Do that again.
I dare you.
Ha!
Okay, break. Break. No holding.
Oh, you can't see? You can't see?
One point. Two points. Three points.
Break.
I win. I win.
No, you didn't.
No you...
Eight point. Nine point.
Stop it. No.
Come on. Michael!
Open your mouth. No, Michael!
You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me?
Raging Bull. Pacino.
Oh, I want that footage. I want it.
I need it.
Oh, I have to get back to work.
I have lots of work. Oh, oh, oh.
Check this out. Come here.
There he is. Mr. temp.
Having lunch by the car.
Let us play with him.
See what we can learn.
Oh we're playing phone tag.
Seven new messages.
First new message.
Hi, Ryan. This is Saddam Hussein.
Next message.
Hey, Ryan. This is your girlfriend.
And I'm mad.
My emergency contact is Todd Packer.
Todd F. Packer.
You know what the F standings for? Fudge?
Uh, come in.
Oh, hey, Karate Kid.
The Hilary Swank version.
Hi. How are you?
I need to change my emergency contact information
from Michael Scott.
Okay, to what?
Just put... the hospital.
Contact number, just put 911.
He is such a sore loser.
You heard obviously
that I mopped the floor with him this afternoon.
You know what, um, do yourself a favor.
Just leave me as his contact
and I will call the hospital.
Cut out the middleman.
Later, Jim.
Later, Kev.
Have a good weekend.
Yeah, you too.
Yeah.
Have the emergency contacts.
Just lay 'em on the chair.
I'll take it from here.
So what you up to this weekend?
Uh, hanging out with some friends probably.
Well, if you do anything crazy, give me a shout.
Yeah. All right. I will, um, see you Monday.
All right. Bye.
Dwight.
Michael, did you finish yet?
This close. Dwight, may I speak with you for a minute?
Uh, I'm busy.
Well, busier. But I'm making the time.
Michael, can't your conversation wait till Monday?
Well, you don't even have anybody to go home to, Toby.
The shipping place closes in a half hour.
I know. But I've been carrying the load on my back all day.
And if everyone would just chip in a little bit,
might help me out.
What do you say?
Let's gang bang this thing and go home.
Good? Dwight.
This is illegal.
I don't care.
I have been testing you the entire day.
Did you know that?
Of course.
And I'm happy to say that you passed.
So effective immediately,
I am promoting you
from assistant to the regional manager
to assistant regional manager.
Michael...
I don't know...
I know. I know. I know. I know.
I wouldn't be offering it
if I didn't think you could handle it.
I can handle it. I can.
I know. Okay.
Wow.
So I guess this'll just be my office.
No.
No. Title change only.
I'll have Pam send out a memo.
No. No. Three month probationary period.
Let's just not tell anybody about this right now.
Just a formality?
Absolutely. But not really.
Michael...
I have so much to learn from you.
Yes, you do.
Thank you...
sensei.
And ditto.
I told Dwight
that there is honor in losing,
which as we all know is completely ridiculous.
But there is however honor in making a loser feel better,
which is what I just did for Dwight.
Would I rather be feared or loved?
Um, easy. Both.
I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
And I think I proved that today at the dojo.
Typewriter torture.
Sensei, help. Typewriter torture.
No. Typewriter.