The Office (2005–2013): Season 2, Episode 20 - Drug Testing - full transcript

Kevin Malone, you're next.
Spit that out.
Spit... okay, come on. Let's go.
You look cute today, Dwight.
Thanks, girl.
So, yesterday, Dwight found half a joint
in the parking lot.
Which is unfortunate, because, as it turns out,
Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous
than most people using drugs.
Let's go over some of the symptoms
of marijuana use, shall we?
You tell me who this sounds like.
Slow moving.
Inattentive.
Dull.
Constantly snacking.
Shows a lack of motivation.
Hey.
I like the people I work with generally.
With four exceptions.
But someone committed a crime.
And I did not become a Lackawanna County
Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy to make friends.
And by the way, I haven't.
I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip.
Jim does the best impressions.
Sometimes he'll look up at me from his desk
and he'll just be someone else.
Like, he'll go, um...
That was supposed to be Phyllis.
I can't do it as good as he can.
And the guys are saying, "Chug chug chug."
But I'm so small and all I'd eaten that day
was one of those Auntie M pretzels
from the food court.
So I said, "Is it okay if I sip it?"
And they said no.
But Ryan seemed cool either way.
Stop!
This is not Kelly Kapur story hour.
Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay?
Your ass is on the line, Mister!
My ass is on the line.
Now, I'm gonna ask you again.
What time did you go home last night?
6:00.
I didn't know that you were at a party Saturday night.
I go to a lot of parties.
Okay, I'm gonna need to search your car.
Give me your keys.
I am not giving you my keys.
Don't make me do this the hard way.
What's the hard way?
I go down to the police station
on my lunch break.
I tell a police officer...
I know several.
What I suspect you may have in your car.
He requests a hearing from a judge
and obtains a search warrant.
Once he has said warrant,
he will drive over here and make you give him
the keys to your car.
And you will have to obey him.
Yeah, let's do it that way.
Ryan, is he bugging you?
Dwight, dude,
you gotta take a chill pill, man.
It was one joint in the parking lot, you know?
You're totally harshing the office mellow.
I can't stop this investigation.
It is my job.
Whoa, you are a volunteer.
I volunteered for this job.
And that's not the same.
It is my duty... Volunteer duty,
to investigate the crime scene.
I have six more interviews to go.
And then I will reveal what I know.
Narc!
If you are attempting to compliment me,
you have done a very good job.
I wasn't attempting to compliment you.
Well, you have.
Because being a narc is one of the hardest jobs
that you can have. Okay.
And I am very proud of being a narc.
Why don't you just cool it?
Cool it, Dwight, please?
God.
Dude, where's my office?
I totally lost it!
'Cause I was half-baked!
Smoking doobies! Doobie Brothers.
I was smoking doobies with my brothers.
Peace out! Seacrest.
Well, your office is behind you.
Thanks.
Mmmunchies.
Who wants some munchies?
I don't think Michael's ever done drugs.
I don't know if anyone's ever offered him any.
Oscar visited Mexico when he was five
to attend his great grandmother's funeral.
What does that mean to a United States
law enforcement officer?
He's a potential drug mule.
Have you ever taken any illegal drugs?
No, I have not.
Do you think it's possible that maybe
you could have had some drugs in your system
without you knowing about it?
What are you implying?
Have you ever...
pooped a balloon?
Okay, I'm done with this.
He sure left in a hurry.
I don't wanna blow this.
This is what all good law enforcement officers
dream of.
The chance to solve an actual crime.
Do you know what this is?
Yes, it's marijuana.
How do you know that?
It's labeled.
Dammit.
That is Northern Lights Cannabis Indica.
No.
It's marijuana.
I'm just saying that you can't be sure
that it wasn't you.
That's ridiculous. Of course it wasn't me.
Marijuana is a memory loss drug.
So maybe you just don't remember.
I would remember.
Well, how could you
of it just erased your memory?
That's not how it works.
Now, how do you know how it works?
Knock it off, okay? I am interviewing you.
No, you said that I'd be conducting the interview
when I walked in here.
Now, exactly how much pot did you smoke?
So, Pam told me you do a great Stanley impression.
I'd love to hear it.
Oh, um...
Why do you keep CC'ing me on things
that have nothing to do with me?
Why do you...
Oh.
Is that supposed to be me?
Oh, hey, Stanley.
I was just doing an impression.
I do not think that is funny.
He does everyone in the office.
Hmm.
I do not think that is funny.
Jinx. Buy me a coke.
No no no! No talking.
Jim is not allowed to talk
until after he buys me a coke.
Those are the rules of jinx.
And they are unflinchingly rigid.
Sold out!
That has never happened in the history of jinx!
Sorry, that's not my problem.
I know you're innocent.
But I can't look like I'm treating you
any differently.
I understand.
Where were you yesterday after work?
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Who's he calling?
Rattin' somebody out.
Narc. Narc!
Kevin.
That is so good, Michael.
Remember the narc bit?
I will let them know.
Uh-oh. Who's in trouble?
Attention, everyone!
Drug testers are coming in a couple hours
to test everyone's urine.
Wha... What?
What are you talking about? Company policy.
If drugs are found on the premises,
there is automatic drug testing
conducted within 24 hours.
Is that true, Toby?
Uh, when you sign your job application
you agree to comply with random drug testing.
Two nights ago I went to an Alicia Keys concert
at Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center.
I scored these great aisle seats.
Anyway, after the opening act,
this beautiful girl sits down next to me.
And I never get to meet girls with lip rings.
And she had one.
I don't know exactly how this happened,
but one of her friends started passing around
some stuff.
And they said that it was clove cigarettes.
And I'm sure that it was clove cigarettes.
Everybody in the aisle was doing it.
Okay, attention, everyone.
The drug testing has been cancelled.
Instead, I will be going around
to each of you and doing a visual inspection.
No, you can't do that.
I can do that.
It is my office.
No, you cannot.
It has to be official.
And it has to be urine.
Uh... all right.
Kevin, what prescription drugs are you taking
besides Rogaine?
I'm not taking Rogaine.
Angela, what about you?
I don't take any prescription drugs.
You're not... on anything?
Good.
So, the first time we went out to dinner,
it was like, whatever, fine.
But I was so nervous.
So this time, I want it to be special.
So I bought a new dress!
One of those kinds that's kind of low cut
at the top to show some things
but not everything.
I mean, not everything, Jim. I promise.
Hey, you guys. What's going on?
Oh, we're just having the best conversation.
Oh, okay... well, Michael wants to see everyone
in the conference room.
But you know what? We have a few minutes.
So you guys should definitely finish up your conversation.
Cool, thanks.
So I was looking so hot...
It has come to my attention
that some people here think the use of drugs
is something to laugh about.
We don't feel that way.
No, not at all.
You were the one joking around
calling Dwight a narc.
No. Uh, no.
That was a test. I was testing you.
And you all failed.
Miserably.
When I said that Dwight was a narc,
how many of you defended him?
How many of you said, "Hey, you know what?
"He's right.
"What he's doing is protecting this office
from the evils of drugs"?
Thank you, Michael.
I am ridiculously anti-drug.
I am so anti-drug that I am above suspicion
in any way that involved suspicion...
or testing of any kind.
Drugs ruin lives, people.
Drugs destroy careers.
Take Cheech and Chong.
Everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny.
But just imagine how funny they would be
if they didn't smoke pot.
I want everybody to take a look to their left.
Now I want everybody to take a look to their right.
One of those people will be dead
from drug use at some point in their lives.
This year, more people
will use cocaine than will read a book
to their children.
Where did you get these facts?
Are these facts scaring you?
Or are they not?
They are not.
Do you think that smoking drugs is cool?
Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?
No, I don't.
I have a glass of red wine with dinner
about once a week for the antioxidants.
Okay, enough. Enough.
Enough!
I have written down a list of illegal drugs.
Take a gander.
How many of these are you familiar with?
Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael.
Yes, it is.
No, it's not.
It's a type of pipe.
You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit, or...
Okay, you know what, Toby?
Pam, could you take this down?
In addition to Toby's urine being tested,
I would like to test his blood and his hair.
You can't do that.
I can test anyone randomly.
And I have chosen you randomly.
That's not random.
Okay, enie, meanie, miney, moe.
Is random.
Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna need a volunteer
to select one of these words.
And tell us of something... tragic that happened
in either their lives or the lives of a loved one.
Yeah, Pam.
I know that Jim has an amazing story
about a relative of his who got caught up
in the world of drugs.
Really?
Mmm-hmm.
Jim, it's okay. You can...
This would be a good place to let it out, Jim.
These are people you can trust.
These are people who care about you.
It's okay.
Just... we will not judge you.
We are here to not judge you.
Oh, he's doing it. Okay.
It's okay.
Oh.
Okay, are you sure?
That looked like it was gonna be good.
All right. Okay, well...
Wow!
He really pulled out the big guns.
Fake crying.
Did not expect that.
The point I'm trying to make with all of this, people,
is that I hate drugs.
I hate them.
And based upon what I have seen,
you all don't quite hate 'em as much as I do.
So you are going to have a drug test.
And I am not.
No, you will be tested.
Yes, I... no, will not be.
No, you will be.
That is the law according to the rules.
Okay.
Well, Dwight, just know...
that I've been very busy today.
And I've got a lot of work to do.
And I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom.
And I don't even know if anything's
gonna come out, okay?
So, good. Thank you.
Hi, Linda.
Dwight Schrute. Assistant Regional Manager.
You might remember testing my urine
a few years back when I was applying
to be a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy.
We test a lot of urine.
Mine was green.
Oh, right.
How are you?
I'm all better.
So I need you to do some work
on the St. Andrew's account.
I need your urine.
I need some filing done.
What kind of filing?
That... just forget it. Just the urine.
That goes directly to the tester.
Just...
I need your urine.
Like, in a cup?
Yes, in a cup. We're not animals, Dwight.
For what purpose?
It's none of your business.
Then I refuse.
Okay, all right. Just...
I went to an Alicia Keys concert.
Over the weekend.
And I think I may have gotten high accidentally
by a girl with a lip ring.
Are you serious?
I need clean urine for the lady.
But that's illegal.
Don't think of it that way.
It's like...
Urine goes all over the place, you know?
There's no controlling it.
It just... Not my urine.
A cup could find its way under the urine.
It might be an accident.
Were you forced to do drugs at this concert?
Is something wrong?
Look, just...
Just fill up the cup.
Do you want to give Michael your urine?
I want him to have all the urine he needs.
You're not gonna get my permission on this.
I know that.
Don't you think I know that?
Yeah, we do testing all over the country.
Cool.
Hey, are you guys hiring?
You wanna work at the urinalysis lab?
Yeah, maybe.
My father's name was Dwight Schrute.
My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute.
His father's name? Dwiged Schrued.
Amish.
I loved my father very much.
Every morning he'd wake up at dawn
and make us biscuits with gravy.
When I was little, my dad and I
played a lot of games together.
My dad cheated a lot,
but I never busted him on it.
I would have, except I didn't know about it.
He didn't tell me 'til years later.
I was shocked when I found out.
What?
Did you wanna tell me something?
You look like you wanna tell me something.
You look like you have something
really important to say and you just can't
for some reason.
Come on, you can tell me.
Jim, you can tell me anything.
I'd like a magazine.
We just need urine, sir.
I'd still like one.
Dwight.
Well...
I passed the test, thanks to you
and your untainted pee.
Thank you very much.
That's great.
What's wrong?
Where's your costume?
It's a uniform.
And I turned it in today when I tendered my resignation.
Why? What...
I took an oath when I was sworn in.
And I broke that oath today.
Here.
Just buy it from me.
I haven't talked to you in hours,
and it's been weird.
And I really wanna know
what the hell's going on with Dwight.
Hi. Hey.
How much time do you have left on your break?
10 minutes.
Since you did such a good job with the investigation,
I decided to pull a few strings,
call in a few favors.
And I've decided to make you
Official Security Supervisor of the branch.
Really?
Yes, sir. That's fantastic.
'Cause I've always felt that the security here sucked.
So you wanna...
"Dwight K. Schrute,
"I hereby declare you an honorary volunteer corporal
in charge of assisting all activity security."
Good, okay?
Here's your badge.
Thank you, Michael.
Very nice.
Great. Can I have a gun?
No. I don't have a gun.
Okay.
I'll have to bring in my bow staff.
I don't think so. Don't.
Good. Thank you, Michael.
No... oh...
I need to go over some details with you.
First of all... All right, well...
Thank you.
How many orange traffic cones do you have?
Two.
Oh... God.
Wow, what a terrible day to not be able to talk.
Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine
and dressed like one of the Village People.
Why does he do the things that he does for Michael?
I just don't get it.
What is he getting out of that relationship?