The Office (2005–2013): Season 2, Episode 13 - The Secret - full transcript

Nothing much,
what's up with you?

I cannot believe
I fell for that.

Oh, my gosh!

What? What? Where's the funny?

Give it to me.

Is it me or does it smell
like updog in here?

What's "updog"?

Nothing much,
what's up with you?

Oh, wow.
I walked right into that.

Oh, that's brilliant.

Hey, Stanley,
is that jacket made of updog?



I'm on the phone.

What flavor coffee is that?
Updog?

What's that?

I don't know.
Nothing, what's up with you?

Huh?
No, damn it.

What does that mean?

What does what mean?

That thing you just said.
Just forget it.

Dwight!

Hey, is it me, or does
this place smell like updog?

What's "updog"?
Gotcha! Oh, God.

Crap.

Nothing. How are you doing?

Good.



How are you doing?

Damn it!

Today is spring cleaning
day here at Dunder Mifflin.

And yes, I know it's January.
I am not an idiot.

But, if you do your
spring cleaning in January,

guess what you don't
have to do in the spring!

Anything.

They say a cluttered desk
means a cluttered mind.

Well, I say an empty desk
means an... Empty mind.

No, that's not... No, that's
not what I was gonna say.

Meredith, the men's room.

Make sure you replace the
urinal cakes, they're worn down.

Kevin, file drawers.

Angela, kitchen.
Oscar, dusting.

Where is Oscar?
He's out sick.

That's unacceptable. I
agree. It's unacceptable.

What are you guys doing?

Michael?
Yes?

Oscar is out sick.

On a Friday?

Can I do some of the talking?
I will do the talking.

Okay, let him know that I'm here. Hello?

What difference does it make
whether you're here?

Hello? Hi, Oscar, it's Michael.

And Dwight.

Yeah. Heard you were
under the weather?

Yeah, I think
I came down with the flu.

Really? Oh, that is a shame.

You know
it's cleaning day here today.

Could've used some of that
famous Hispanic cleaning ethic.

Yeah, I feel
terrible about it.

Ask him his symptoms,
I'm on WebMD.

What are your symptoms?

I have the chills.

I'm feeling nauseous,
and my head's killing.

Checks out.

Michael, is there
anything you need from me?

I'd like to go back to bed.
I need you to go to bed.

I need you to get better. See you
Monday, unless you're still sick.

So have a great long weekend.

I'll just be sleep...

Okay, first impressions.
He sounded sick.

Which is exactly
how you'd want to sound,

if you wanted someone to think
you were sick.

That's exactly
what I was thinking.

Question. May I investigate? Yeah.

Drop what you're doing.
Make this a priority.

Because an office
can't function efficiently

unless people are at their
desks, doing their jobs.

I bought my veil.

Oh, my God,
that is so exciting!

Can I be a bridesmaid?

Listen, you don't have to answer now,
but how are you going to do your hair?

Okay, I was thinking
about wearing it down.

Kind of like, I don't know,
like, loose with big curls?

You look like an angel.
I'm seriously gonna cry.

Wowey! Mikey likey!

Why don't you wear your hair like
that all the time? It's much sexier.

Man, this must be
torture for you.

Yeah, on the booze cruise,

I told Michael about some
feelings I used to have for Pam.

I had just broken up with Katy,
and had a couple of drinks,

and I confided in the
world's worst confidante.

Hey, Michael.
Hey, Jim-bag!

Remember that thing I told you
on the booze cruise about Pam?

That was personal.

So if we could just keep that between
you and me, that would be great.

Really? Who else knows?

Nobody.

Wow.

Jim and I are great friends. We
hang out a ton, mostly at work.

But the fact that he told
me his secret and no one else

says everything
about our friendship.

And it is why I intend on keeping that
secret for as long as I possibly can.

My lips are sealed.

My lips are sealed

Bangles. All right. Great. Thank you.

Can you hear me?

They talk about us
Telling lies

Listen, temp. I'm conducting
a little investigation.

So, I'm no longer gonna be
able to head up spring cleaning.

Do you think
you can handle it?

Yeah, I think
I can handle it.

Do you think,
or do you know?

I think.

Oh, God. Here.

Hey, what you getting?
I'm going with grape.

Good stuff. Good stuff.

Did you see
the game last night?

Which game?

Any of them.

So, what's the 411? Any
updates on the "P" situation?

I don't know any...
P- A-M.

P- A-M.
Yeah. Oh, okay.

No, it's okay, we're
talking code. What is?

Listen, Stan, you know, how long does
it take for you to pick out a soda?

I'm gonna take off, actually.
All right, well, cool.

Still deciding?

Peach ice tea.
You're gonna hate it.

Hey, Oscar. How you doing?
Dwight Schrute calling.

Listen, little question
for you, buddy.

I called six minutes ago
and no one answered.

So, I was wondering
if you could explain...

Oh, I see. So, sounds like
you're too sick to come into work,

but you're well enough
to go to the pharmacy.

There are several different
ways to tell if a perp is lying.

The liar will avoid
direct eye contact.

The liar will cover part of
his or her face with his hand,

especially the mouth.

The liar will perspire.

Unfortunately, I spoke to Oscar on
the phone so none of this is useful.

It's grape! Soda!

Tony the Tiger.
Yeah.

You don't hear that much
anymore. Not so much.

Okay, what is going on here?

Nothing.
Oh, really, nothing?

Fact. You are drinking grape
soda, you never drink grape soda.

Fact. You are talking to Jim,
you never talk to Jim.

Fact. I love grape soda,
I always have.

Fact. Jim and I talk all the
time. We tell each other secrets.

Okay, so what is the
secret, Michael? Look, I...

I had asked Michael if I could
head up the Oscar investigation.

And he said that only Dwight

was capable of handling
such sensitive material.

Is that true?

I don't know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is.

Thank you, Michael.

I know you're telling the truth. Okay.

I can tell.
I won't let you down.

Good.

Thanks.

Nice. That was slick.
What are you doing for lunch?

I don't know.
I'm probably just gonna eat

my ham and cheese sandwich
in the break room.

Oh, nonsense, no way. No.

Why don't I take you
out to lunch? My treat.

No. That's all right.
Thank you, though.

It's... I gotta do some cleaning,
I should probably stick around here.

Hey, you know
what we could do?

We could spread out a blanket
in the break room,

have a little picnic,
order some 'za.

Talk about you know who.

Oh, no.

You know what? Let's go out. That
was a good idea. Let's go out.

I know just the place.

Oh, man.
You should order milk. Get it?

Why do I like Hooters?

Well, I will give you two reasons.
The boobs and the hot wings.

Here we go, here we go.
Bogey at 3:00.

Hi. Hey, I'm Dana, welcome to Hooters.

We're not worthy,
we're not worthy!

Hello, Dana.
I am Michael and this is Jim.

And we are brothers.
No. We're not brothers.

I'm his boss, actually,
and I treat him well.

I'm taking him out to lunch
because I can afford it.

And he can have
whatever he wants.

Could I just have
the ham and cheese sandwich?

Great.
Thanks.

And for you? Tell me, Dana.
How is your chicken breast?

Oh, it's great. It's served
with our world-famous wing sauce.

Sounds yummy.

I will have a chicken breast,
hold the chicken.

Is that what you really want?

No, I'm gonna have the
gourmet hot dog. Great.

Who took all the black
ones? That's a communal bowl.

So, how did Oscar sound
when he called in?

Sick. Like lots of sniffling,
I don't know.

Sniffling, how?

How many different ways
are there to sniffle?

Three.

Okay, it was the second one.

Okay, good, thank you. That
wasn't so hard, now, was it?

What do you like best
about Pam?

Oh, I really
don't want to talk about it.

Is it her legs,
her boobs, her...

She's easy to talk to,
I guess.

And, uh, she's got
a really good sense of humor.

Really?
Never gets any of my jokes.

What about you?
Her boobs, definitely.

Wow. That's not what I meant.

Here you go.
Oh, thank you.

And I understand we have
a birthday today!

Oh, happy birthday, Jim!

Ready, girls?
Front side!

You put your front side in
You put your front side out

You put your front side in
And you shake it all about

You do the hokey-pokey
And you turn yourself around

That's what it's all about!

Thank you.
Oh, yeah!

Thanks. Thanks, Dana.

Thank you very much!

There you go.

Hilarious. Hey!

What did you guys talk about? Just,
you know, politics, literature.

I hate you.

Quick Oscar update.

I have conducted interviews
with everyone in the office...

Just go to his house
and see if he's sick.

I could have done this
investigation in, like, 20 minutes.

Including prep time?
Just do it.

If I had to, I could clean
out my desk in five seconds,

and nobody would ever know
I had ever been here.

And I'd forget, too.

Expense this.

Michael, is that a wig?
No, it's...

I wear it like that sometimes.

Is that a wig?
No.

This is from Hooters.
Yeah. It's a business lunch.

Did Toby approve this? No, he did
not. I don't need his permission.

You just got your
corporate credit card back.

You really want me
to take it away again?

It's ridiculous.

They took my card away because
I spent 80 bucks at a magic shop.

What they don't understand
is that I bought the stuff

to impress potential clients,
so business related. Right?

I put a cigarette
through a freaking quarter,

and you know what, Toby,
they almost bought from us.

I'm not processing this.

Look,
Jim needed a relaxing lunch.

He has been depressed and it has
been affecting his productivity.

How is that not work-related?
He seems fine to me.

You're not his friend,
you don't know.

He is in love with a girl
he works with who is engaged,

so just cut me some slack.
Please?

Pam?

Angela, who would you choose?
Jim or Roy?

It's nobody's business,
Phyllis. Roy.

Jim has got it bad for Pam.

Oh! Which one is Pam?

Well, she's...

Hey, Michael.

So, do you think Jim will try
to break up the wedding?

You know what, Kevin,
Jim is a friend of mine.

So, the only people that
this crush really concerns

is Jim and Pam, and me.

As a volunteer
sheriff's deputy,

I've been doing
surveillance for years.

One time, I suspected an ex-girlfriend
of mine of cheating on me.

So I tailed her for six nights
straight. Turns out, she was.

With a couple of guys,
actually, so...

Mystery solved.

Jim, why didn't you tell me
that you had a crush on Pam?

Well,
the cat's out of the bag.

I used to have a crush on Pam,
and now I don't.

Riveting.

Yeah.

No, it's not.

Nice.

She's so hot.

Hey!
Hey!

Did you find
anything good in your desk?

Uh, coupon
for a free sandwich.

Score!
Expired in August.

And my cell phone charger
from two years ago.

Big day.
Big day.

Hey, listen.

Um...

I told Michael on the booze
cruise... It's so stupid.

I told Michael
that I had had a crush on you

when you first started here.
Oh.

Well, I just thought that... I
figured you should hear it from me

rather than...
I mean, you know Michael.

Right.

And, seriously,
it's totally not a big deal.

Okay?

And when I found out that
you were engaged, I mean...

No, I know. Like, I kind of...

Like I thought that maybe
you did when I first started.

Oh, you did?

No, I mean, just 'cause we,
like, got along so well.

Oh, yeah. No, yeah,
you saw through me. Great.

So, are you gonna be, like,
totally awkward around me now?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Hope that's okay.

Mmm-hmm.

And, Pam?
It was, like, three years ago.

So, I am totally over it.

Cool.

Okay.

Stay low.

This is it. There he is.

He's been gone for at
least two... Who is that?

Come to papa.

Oh, yes.

Let's roll. I knew it!

Oh, man! You are so busted!

Ice skates, shopping bags? I
think I know what's going on here.

You weren't sick at all.

Who is this?

This is Dwight Schrute.

Who is this?

Gil.

Are you going to tell Michael?

How about this.

I don't tell Michael,

and in exchange, you owe me
one great big, giant favor,

redeemable by me at a time
and place of my choosing.

Guess what I found out
about Oscar tonight.

He was lying about being sick.

Should I have reported
Oscar's malfeasance?

Probably, but now I know something
he doesn't want me to know.

So I can use his malfeasance
to establish leverage.

Otherwise, it's just malfeasance,
for malfeasance's sake.

Hey.
I know.

I know, I know.

What happened?
I... Oh, just...

I was trying... The expense
reports... And then...

Toby, you know, he just...
I know, I just...

I just hope it...

I just hope that this
doesn't affect our friendship.

It's stupid. It's so stupid.

Hey, hey.

Listen, man. You know, it's not
a big deal. Well, okay. I'm fine.

It's going to be fine. No,
I know, I'm good, I'm good.

It's just...

Look, it's one day.

Everything's gonna be all right? Yeah.

No big deal. You good?
Yeah, I'm good.

Okay.

Creed, did you organize
the menu book?

I thought that was
more on a volunteer basis.

No.

That was mandatory. Oh, I thought
that was a volunteer thing.

Hey, your schedule
for next week.

Are you okay? Yeah, I'm
fine. Look. About you and Jim.

I... No. No, that's...
You don't have to...

I just feel it's my responsibility
as your bosslfriend...

No, it's really, it's okay.

I know that Jim had, like, a
crush on me when he first started,

but that was
a long time ago, so...

It wasn't that long ago.
It was on the booze cruise.

Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise
or he told you about it on the booze cruise?

Okay, shut it, Michael.

I'm done, that's it. I'm out.

Ready?
Yeah.

People are always coming to
me, "Michael, I have a secret.

"You're the only one I trust. "

No thanks,

because keeping a secret
can only lead to trouble.

Like, I was watching Cinemax
last weekend, this movie.

Portrait of a Prostitute,
or something.

Secrets of a Call...
More Secrets of a Call Girl.

And the lead character Shyla
is framed for murder,

goes on the run, and winds up
working at a bordello in Malibu.

I don't... I don't wanna live
like that. I like it here.

I don't wanna be Shyla,
I like being Michael Scott.