The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 1, Episode 21 - Oscar's New Life - full transcript
Oscar comes home saying he was fired. It seems that he and his boss got into a fight. But Oscar assures Felix that this something that happens often and his boss will call him to ask to come back. Felix goes there and tells the man that Oscar deserves more respect but he feels that Oscar is not irreplaceable so he tells him Oscar is fired for good. So Felix tells Oscar and he breaks down. Felix tells him that he's better than that. But still he's without a job. Felix tels Oscar that he knows someone who might want to hire him. So Oscar goes to Felix's studio where he introduces Oscar to Hugh Hefner type who offers Oscar a job at his magazine and he doesn't take no for an answer. Oscar tries to do his best but he misses being a sportswriter.
Ten!
Oh. Ow.
Oh, that feels good.
You're in tremendous
shape, Unger.
Hi! I'm back here!
I heard you.
You must have had an easy day.
You're home early.
Easy... ( muttering )
Something's happened.
You're mad at somebody.
Dear... Who's "ingrate"?
I don't want to talk about it.
You're mad at somebody.
A brown left eye.
And a brown jacket.
Who do I know who has
brown eyes and a brown suit?
I need a nose.
You want a nose?
I'll give you...
a hateful nose... ( muttering )
This looks like your boss.
What are you doing
throwing away all
the newspapers?
I hate my newspaper
and that is not my boss.
Sure looks like him.
It's my ex-boss.
I was just fired.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he knew she was right
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home of his
childhood friend, Oscar Madison.
Sometime earlier, Madison's
wife had thrown him out
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
( Odd Couple theme playing )
You're lucky he didn't
fire you years ago.
What did you do wrong?
Why do you assume I
did something wrong?
Because he fired you.
If you fired him, I'd assume
he did something wrong.
I don't want to talk
about it, all right?
No, no, instead you'll eat...
The way you always
do when you're upset.
The only thing that
calms me down.
Look at that poison he's
going to put in his stomach.
Pepperoni, bologna,
hot pastrami.
That's a suicide kit
for a man with an ulcer.
I forgot something, red peppers.
We got red peppers?
Would you tell me,
please, what happened?
Nothing, I didn't go
to the Pan-American
Badminton Championship games.
The Pan-American
Badminton Championship?
That's what I said, isn't it?
Is that important?
Of course not.
It's usually held in
somebody's backyard.
We never devote
more than two lines to it.
So instead of going,
I called up, they
gave me the scores
and I put it in a paragraph.
And? He didn't like the story?
He loved it.
He printed it word for word.
Well, is he some
sort of badminton nut?
What was wrong?
You see, the guy
who lost, he got mad,
he pulled out a gun
and he shot the
referee in the leg.
Naturally, they didn't tell
me that on the telephone.
My headline said
"Johnson beats Ortega."
Their headline said
"Ortega shoots referee."
That was poor sportsmanship.
That's what I said.
But he said,
"Oh, a reporter could find
a good story anywhere."
He was right to fire you.
Again he was right to fire me?
You were derelict
in your duties.
If you worked for
me, I'd fire you, too.
Felix, if I worked
for you, I'd quit.
Look at this.
He's home five minutes,
this room's a mess
the whole kitchen's a mess.
Have you...
Have you thought about
what you're going to do now?
Felix, I've only been
out of work a half hour.
I'll look in the
classifieds later.
You're just giving up?
Who's giving up?
Well, you've been fired
from your job of 15 years.
They've thrown you out,
they don't want you anymore.
Oh, come on, will you?
You're not as young as
you used to be, you know.
What's age... How old are you?
What's the difference?
You must be 40...
Will you forget the age!?
Just say I'm not as
young as I used to be.
Besides, will you
forget about this?
It happens all the time.
Okay.
He always fires me,
then he threatens
to bring in his nephew, the
house painter, to do my column.
But he always calls me and
he begs me to come back.
Yes, sir, I agree.
We do need Madison back.
Yes, sir, I planned
on calling him today.
Boy, I wish the
buck stopped here.
( knocking )
Yeah?
Mr. Donnelly?
Yes, can I help you?
I'm Felix Unger.
I'm Oscar Madison's roommate.
Oh.
I've come to clean out his desk.
Alone?
You're very brave.
Why are you
cleaning out his desk?
You fired him.
Oh, I didn't really
fire Madison.
Well, I mean, I-I fired him,
but I do it at
least once a year.
It's sort of a running gag.
That's terrible.
Huh?
Pulling gags on people
as if they're something
you buy in a novelty store.
I don't think that's funny.
I suppose you have
squirting flowers and
whoopee cushions, too.
Look, I don't think
you quite understand.
I understand that
Oscar deserves better
than to be made
the brunt of gag.
Writers like Oscar Madison
don't grow on trees, you know.
Listen, I...
He deserves an apology from you.
He deserves a raise.
A raise? What are you, crazy?
Offer Madison a raise?
He's already the most overpaid
sports writer in this town.
He's lucky I'm even
considering taking him back,
the way he slops up the office.
I don't think it's necessary
to raise your
voice, Mr. Donnelly.
I'm not raising my voice,
Unter, I'm emphasizing.
My name is "Unger."
You newspapermen never
get a name right, do you?
You get this right.
I was going to
hire Madison back,
but after talking to you,
I've changed my mind.
Now get his junk
and scram, he's fired.
You can't do that to Oscar.
I can fill the job
in one minute.
With whom? Your
nephew, the house painter?
Yes, my nephew the house
painter, and you're right.
Writers like Madison
don't grow on trees, Unter.
They grow under them.
Now get out!
You're not a nice man.
TV ANNOUNCER: And so
we join Sharibeth Gleason,
the world-renowned ceramics
designer and amnesiac
in searching for Winnie,
the stray pony
with the brain tumor.
You'll remember that
Winnie was seen yesterday
in front of an all-night
truck stop near the...
Hi.
Where the freeways
meet at Downey.
She was galloping along...
How's the amnesiac?
I forgot.
I've been watching so
many of these soap operas.
This is about a stray pony
who also has a brain tumor.
( laughing lightly )
What did you turn it off for?
I, um, want to talk to you
about your job situation.
That's very
considerate of you, Felix,
but I want to see if the pony
gets rid of the brain tumor.
What if, um...
hypothetically, of course,
but what if Donnelly
doesn't call you
and you're really out of work?
Don't worry, he'll call.
Yeah, but what if he doesn't?
What if he doesn't?
He will, he will.
He won't.
He won't?
I did it.
You did it.
You did what?
Went down there?
I went down there.
You went down there.
And you told him? I told him.
You told him. What
did you tell him?
I told him the job
was beneath you.
Beneath me.
But now I'm really fired?
Want to see the pony
with the brain tumor?
No, thanks, I think I
have one of my own.
MAN ( over TV ): I had
just gotten back from Cuba
and had a lot of extra sugar
in my glove compartment.
Anyhow, the pony
looked at me sort of weirdly
and kicked up its
hind legs and fainted.
I-I leaped out of my
pickup truck, ran after him,
but he recovered quickly,
and he galloped off
in that direction, I think.
Hey, lady, do you... do
you want some sugar?
( knocks softly )
Are you mad at me?
I'm speechless.
First, penniless,
then speechless.
How could you do it?!
Do I interfere with you
when you try to go
back with your ex-wife?
Oscar, listen to me.
What do you need
this kind of life for?
It's the only kind
of life I know.
Look at it realistically.
You're not getting any younger.
How old are you?
What's the difference?
All right, for the
past 15 years,
you've been the highest
paid sports writer in the East.
And with taxes and alimony,
what have you saved?
Three and a half cents.
So?
There are men in this
town with half your talent
at half your age earning
twice what you earn,
and they don't have to
follow Orioles and Indians
all over the country.
Felix, don't you understand?
I like to follow the Orioles
and the Indians around.
But it's no life for you,
working for that rude man,
eating that rotten
ballpark food.
Well, the food may be rotten,
but the peanuts are great.
They're salty and...
So what do you got
to show for 15 years...
A craving for peanuts?
You're an intelligent man.
You don't have to be a
sports writer all your life.
When you were a kid,
didn't you have an ambition?
Oh, yeah, when I was a kid,
I once wanted to be a doctor.
Ah.
Nah, but I don't mean
a regular doctor...
A team physician,
so I could be around
all the sports guys.
Oh, Oscar, Oscar...
All right, Felix, I admit it,
it's not the greatest life
in the world, but I like it.
The only drawback is
you don't get to meet girls.
What does that mean?
Come to my studio
tomorrow morning.
Felix, I don't have
much of a future
as a high-fashion model.
The high heels... No,
listen to me, listen to me.
What? I know someone
who may be
interested in hiring you.
I don't know, you've
done such a bang-up job
with my career so far.
Trust me, that's
all I ask, trust me.
I don't think so. ( sobbing )
All right, don't cry.
I'll trust you,
Felix. Don't cry.
It's not that. I can't
look at this room.
What's the matter with the room?
MAN: I'm interested
in your friend Madison,
but are you sure
he's Harem material?
He's a very fine writer.
Your magazine could
use a quality writer.
That's all we have.
Yeah.
Let's lift the test tube
a little bit higher, please.
That's the beaker.
The thin one's the test tube.
That's it.
He does have that
mellifluous writing style
that's synonymous
with our publication.
Yes, he does. An
interesting thought.
I want to get
everything right here,
because Mr. Buffingham
is very, very particular
about what goes in his magazine.
How's that look? Is
that what you're after?
It's too serious.
Philosophy is her major.
Chemistry's just a hobby.
Here we are.
Big smile, big smile.
That's it, that's it. Good.
All right, that's it.
That's good. That's fine.
Honey, come over
here. But I haven't shot
a whole roll of film yet.
Come here.
I suppose you've read
my essay on the,
uh, Puritan ethic.
Felix?
Oscar! Oh, boy,
do you look sharp.
Really? Two weeks ago,
you said this suit was ugly.
You look like a million dollars.
Ah, you must be old Madison.
This is Oscar Madison.
This is Bo Buffingham, the
editor of Harem Magazine.
Hey, I am glad to meet you.
I read your
magazine all the time.
Even the articles.
( both laughing )
Well, I read your column.
I must say, you have
a very insightful understanding
into the psychosexual
roots of athletics.
For example, I
found your description
of Joe Namath's touchdown
passes absolutely erotic.
Football is erotic?
Oscar, Felix tells me you're
not with that tabloid anymore.
Yeah, I got...
Well, how creatively
fulfilling can it be
to spend your life
describing quarterbacks
on the free throw line?
Oscar, have you decided
what you're going to do?
Well, it's very hard.
We might have something at Harem
that might be more
creatively fulfilling.
Mona? Why don't you stop
by the office this afternoon?
Would 2:30 be all right?
Sounds fantastic. See you then.
Uh, the smock is mine.
Oh.
And the glasses.
Honey?
Is he serious?
Oh, yes.
He did a whole
issue on seriousness.
BUFFINGHAM: No,
no, I don't like this one.
With three chicks
hanging all over him,
you can't even see the sweater.
Hmm. Let's go with two chicks.
Ah, heavy.
( intercom buzzes )
Yeah?
WOMAN: Mr. Madison
to see you, Buffy.
Mm, good. Send him in.
Take down everything I say.
It might come in
handy for my column.
Feeling well?
Oh, yes. How are you?
Like a haircut?
No, thanks. I'm trying to quit.
( laughing )
That will be all, Hal.
It's a great office,
just a great office.
You like it?
Yeah.
It's not mine.
I'm just down here
while they're using
my penthouse for a layout.
I'm doing a special issue
on the sexual revolution
that I've helped
bring to this country.
That's all, honey, that's all.
Uh, save those cut hairs
for my mother's
scrapbook, will you?
( intercom buzzes )
( coughing )
Anybody laugh?
( laughing )
There.
Hello?
No, no, I'd like to
do something, uh,
that's more important,
more significant.
What about, uh...
what about nude astronauts?
No, no.
Better yet, uh...
now, this is beautiful.
Listen to this:
nude astronettes.
Yeah, it is clever,
isn't it? Yeah.
Had some of your
stuff read to me.
It's good, boy.
Thank you.
It's good, clean,
crisp, to the point.
Thank you very much.
Like Hemingway.
Thank you.
And, uh, myself.
That's why I'm
prepared to offer you
20% more than you
earned on the paper.
You mean, to work on your staff?
Mm-hmm. We need
men like you at Harem.
Excuse me, honey.
I've even taken
the liberty, uh...
Here.
Thank you. Hmm.
Whoa.
Whoa?
What's W-O?
What? Wait a minute.
No, no, you see, you've got
the cufflinks turned around.
It's, uh, O-M.
Oh.
( laughing )
O-M. Yeah, yeah.
What's O-M?
It's your initials.
My initials, because my name
is Oscar Madison, of course.
Listen, if I'd known, I'd have
worn a long-sleeved shirt.
Would you like a
long-sleeved shirt?
OSCAR: No, thanks. Are you sure?
No, I got them at
home... Brown ones, gray.
Got a lot of shirts.
Well, how about it?
You going to join the team?
Well, Mr. Buffingham,
I really don't...
Buffy.
B.B. Just call be "Buff."
Buff. Buff.
Well, Buff, I'm afraid I'm
going to have to say no.
Can't say no. Why not?
I want you. Oh.
( intercom buzzes )
I'm in conference now.
Don't bother me.
Look at 'em. Good, good.
Ten of the best.
Yeah, I like them.
So do I. Tell you what I'll do.
I'll not only offer you 20% more
than you were
earning on your last job,
plus an expense account,
but also this office.
Well... nobody's perfect.
Write that down, honey.
Gives me a humble image.
You'd let me have this office?
Mm.
Gee, I don't know.
See, I don't know
if I'd fit in... I know.
You're a meticulous man.
You'd like to know more
about the kind of people
you're going to be working with.
I think you should meet
some of your new staff.
Send Mr. Madison's
staff in, please.
It'll be kicks.
OSCAR: She's
nice... she's nice...
What does she do?
Most of the work.
Leave me any coffee?
It's been ready for an hour.
Oh, boy.
9:00 in the morning,
and he's still in his robe.
When do you get dressed?
Well, Buffy took me aside.
He told me not to
come in so early.
You know, loosen up,
make my own hours.
What time do you go to work?
I don't know,
about 11:30, 12:00.
Will you do the
breakfast dishes?
No.
Hey, Felix, you
know, you were right.
This is the greatest
job in the world.
I'm glad you're happy.
Sports.
Listen, you've been promising
to come to lunch all week.
What about this afternoon?
What time?
Oh, I don't know.
How does 3:00 sound to you?
Sounds kind of
late for lunch to me.
Felix, don't get caught up
in that middle-class jazz...
Eating at 9:00
and noon and 6:00.
You got to hang
loose, let things happen.
That's the Harem philosophy.
Where's the sports?
Well, I keep my
meals at regular hours.
That's the Unger philosophy.
I have to go to work.
I don't have the luxury of
keeping my staff waiting.
Want your newspaper?
No, thank you.
I'll buy a fresh one.
Send him in, honey.
Well, huh?
What do you think, O.M.?
What's O.M.? Oh,
that's me... O.M.
Listen, I like the Roman orgy.
Keep the girl on the skewer.
Oh, ho-ho, right on.
Hiya, Felix, old buddy.
How are you?
Wow!
Would you like a drink? Uh...
Come on, what's
your pleasure, Fel?
My pleasure, Osc?
Um... ginger ale.
Ginger ale on the rocks
with a twist of lemon.
And hold the calls,
will you, honey?
Wowie. Wow, huh?
You really like it, huh?
Oh, I'm the happiest
guy in the whole world.
Gee whiz!
Is that a view? Yeah!
I'm telling you, this
job is sensational.
Come here, I want
you to see something.
I've been waiting
for you all day.
I'm like a kid with a new toy.
Come here. You see this? Yeah?
This is called a
control center, see?
Now, I press this
button in the morning,
and a tape recorder starts,
and it takes everything
that's said in this
office down all day.
That's innovative.
And look at this, look at that.
Three major networks,
plus educational television.
You need that, huh?
Of course, you know it's a
must in this business, Felix.
You got to keep
abreast of things.
I suppose the desk
turns into a bed.
No, but the bookcase does.
What happens to the books?
Oh, they're fake.
Now, is this fantastic, Felix,
or is this fantastic?
This is fantastic.
I told you.
It doesn't seem like you, but...
But it is me, Felix.
This is the real me.
You don't miss sports?
No. This is the greatest
job in the whole world.
Felix, I want to thank you.
You're the one
responsible for it.
I know.
Boy, if these books were
real, they would be great.
Listen, forget about the books.
Tonight, you're going
to be my personal guest
at a swinging party
that Buffy's throwing
up in his apartment.
Yes, sir, right after
he tapes his TV show.
We're going to
have a yay-yay, Felix.
Aw, great. Thank you.
What's a yay-yay?
Well, that's a yay,
and that's a yay,
and you put them together...
BOTH: And that's a yay-yay.
FELIX: I don't know. It's wrong.
Beds in the bookcases.
That's not Oscar.
He-he won't go for it.
It's wrong, it's wrong.
He never liked that
sort of thing before.
He's not going to like it now.
( loud music playing )
ANNOUNCER ( over TV ):
On to baseball, strike one.
Hartman sets again,
paws the rubber,
checks his signal,
and the pitch...
It's another long
one, going, going...
Nope, it's foul.
That one looked like it was
going to be another homer.
Hi, O.M. Why don't you
come up and have some fun?
Oh, well, uh, I had
some work to do,
and the music is so loud.
Oh... What's going on up there?
Oh, a guy's about to put
a lampshade on his head.
We're having a
ball. Okay, go ahead.
Listen, I'll be a few
minutes. I'll join you, okay?
Okay. I'll be right up. Bye-bye.
ANNOUNCER ( over TV
): in the stretch, delivers...
Oh, he beaned the batter!
And that will bring
in the tying run.
Felix, I was just...
You came down to
watch the ball game.
Well, the music was so loud...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How come you're
watching on this,
not on the multipaneled wall?
Oh, a tube blew out,
and the repairman had
to take it back to the shop.
FELIX: Took out the whole wall.
These guys make
a fortune don't they?
Felix, a guy just
got hit with a ball.
He was a friend of mine.
We used to go out for
beers after the game.
Well, now he was
just lying there,
a figure on the
screen at home plate.
I-I didn't know
whether he got hit
with a fast ball or a curve.
You're unhappy.
No, I'm not unhappy.
You're miserable.
Why, because I'd rather
watch a baseball game
than listen to a loud rock band?
A loud rock band that's
made up of five nude girls.
This isn't you. Come on.
I blame myself. No...
I never should have got
you involved in Harem.
Your heart's still
back in sports.
Look, I don't
want to discuss it.
So sports isn't out
of my system yet.
It will be.
Felix, will you leave me alone?
You want anything?
Just privacy.
Mr. Donnelly?
Who are you?
Oh, yeah...
Hi. Say, let's let bygones
be bygones, shall we?
I understand your feelings.
I do, I really do. I've
come to apologize.
Look, I told you last week,
Madison's through
here, and so are you!
What did you think
of my story, Uncle Bill?
You write like a house painter.
Look, nobody asks
a 300-pound football player
what his favorite color is.
I figured it'd be a good
way to break the ice.
You know, nine out
of ten people say red.
DONNELLY: This will never do.
I'll have to rewrite it myself.
How many times
do I have to tell you
no more questions about paints?
I'm just trying to be
thorough, Uncle Bill.
Morris, why don't you take
the rest of the day off?
I'll handle this.
Hey, thanks, Uncle Bill,
but I can't go home for a while.
I forgot my house key.
That explains a lot.
What are you talking about?
You know exactly
what I'm talking about.
I came here to apologize,
but you're the one
who should apologize
to the people of this city,
for printing that rubbish
instead of Oscar's column.
You're right.
I am?
Yes, well, my nephew is
not working out too well.
Matter of fact, he's not a
very good house painter, either.
Frankly, we need Oscar back.
You should have thought of that
before you fired him.
Now, don't start
up with that again.
Tell me, uh...
how's Oscar doing over at Harem?
Oh... I heard
he really likes it.
Mm, well, he's crazy about it.
Listen, why not?
It's like Tahiti with all
the modern conveniences.
He misses sports.
You think he wishes
he were still here?
'Cause if he does, I'd
like to have him back.
I never realized how
much I really needed him.
That's the
understatement of the year.
Well, I'll give him
your message.
That's... About his raise...
Now, don't start
up with that again.
I'll convey your offer.
Thanks.
Don't be too disappointed
if he turns you down.
He wants you back so much,
he'll give you absolutely
anything you want.
He's willing to
give you a raise...
He said he would
give me a raise?
Not in so many words.
Not in so many words...
But he wants you back
so much, he can taste it.
Is that right? He'll give
you absolutely anything.
He'll give you complete freedom
to write anything you want.
Felix, he said he would give me
complete freedom to
write anything I want?
He implied it. He implied it?
Felix, what did he actually say?
He wants to talk to you.
Hey, Felix, it's great
to be back in sports.
You know, the press boxes
and the locker rooms
and everything...
Peanuts.
Especially the peanuts.
And I'm glad Buffingham accepted
my resignation so nicely.
I was a little worried about it.
Really? Yeah.
It was very nice of him
to give you his book:
The Gospel According to Buffy.
That's nice. What
do you mean, nice?
In exchange for the book,
I had to give him
back his cuff links.
That's droll.
You know, I thought I would love
the Harem lifestyle...
Wild parties, the posh offices,
the turtleneck sweaters.
It's not you. You don't
belong there. Why not?
You belong back in sports.
I'm glad you got all of
that out of your system.
Almost all of it, anyway.
Yeah.
Oh. Ow.
Oh, that feels good.
You're in tremendous
shape, Unger.
Hi! I'm back here!
I heard you.
You must have had an easy day.
You're home early.
Easy... ( muttering )
Something's happened.
You're mad at somebody.
Dear... Who's "ingrate"?
I don't want to talk about it.
You're mad at somebody.
A brown left eye.
And a brown jacket.
Who do I know who has
brown eyes and a brown suit?
I need a nose.
You want a nose?
I'll give you...
a hateful nose... ( muttering )
This looks like your boss.
What are you doing
throwing away all
the newspapers?
I hate my newspaper
and that is not my boss.
Sure looks like him.
It's my ex-boss.
I was just fired.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he knew she was right
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home of his
childhood friend, Oscar Madison.
Sometime earlier, Madison's
wife had thrown him out
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
( Odd Couple theme playing )
You're lucky he didn't
fire you years ago.
What did you do wrong?
Why do you assume I
did something wrong?
Because he fired you.
If you fired him, I'd assume
he did something wrong.
I don't want to talk
about it, all right?
No, no, instead you'll eat...
The way you always
do when you're upset.
The only thing that
calms me down.
Look at that poison he's
going to put in his stomach.
Pepperoni, bologna,
hot pastrami.
That's a suicide kit
for a man with an ulcer.
I forgot something, red peppers.
We got red peppers?
Would you tell me,
please, what happened?
Nothing, I didn't go
to the Pan-American
Badminton Championship games.
The Pan-American
Badminton Championship?
That's what I said, isn't it?
Is that important?
Of course not.
It's usually held in
somebody's backyard.
We never devote
more than two lines to it.
So instead of going,
I called up, they
gave me the scores
and I put it in a paragraph.
And? He didn't like the story?
He loved it.
He printed it word for word.
Well, is he some
sort of badminton nut?
What was wrong?
You see, the guy
who lost, he got mad,
he pulled out a gun
and he shot the
referee in the leg.
Naturally, they didn't tell
me that on the telephone.
My headline said
"Johnson beats Ortega."
Their headline said
"Ortega shoots referee."
That was poor sportsmanship.
That's what I said.
But he said,
"Oh, a reporter could find
a good story anywhere."
He was right to fire you.
Again he was right to fire me?
You were derelict
in your duties.
If you worked for
me, I'd fire you, too.
Felix, if I worked
for you, I'd quit.
Look at this.
He's home five minutes,
this room's a mess
the whole kitchen's a mess.
Have you...
Have you thought about
what you're going to do now?
Felix, I've only been
out of work a half hour.
I'll look in the
classifieds later.
You're just giving up?
Who's giving up?
Well, you've been fired
from your job of 15 years.
They've thrown you out,
they don't want you anymore.
Oh, come on, will you?
You're not as young as
you used to be, you know.
What's age... How old are you?
What's the difference?
You must be 40...
Will you forget the age!?
Just say I'm not as
young as I used to be.
Besides, will you
forget about this?
It happens all the time.
Okay.
He always fires me,
then he threatens
to bring in his nephew, the
house painter, to do my column.
But he always calls me and
he begs me to come back.
Yes, sir, I agree.
We do need Madison back.
Yes, sir, I planned
on calling him today.
Boy, I wish the
buck stopped here.
( knocking )
Yeah?
Mr. Donnelly?
Yes, can I help you?
I'm Felix Unger.
I'm Oscar Madison's roommate.
Oh.
I've come to clean out his desk.
Alone?
You're very brave.
Why are you
cleaning out his desk?
You fired him.
Oh, I didn't really
fire Madison.
Well, I mean, I-I fired him,
but I do it at
least once a year.
It's sort of a running gag.
That's terrible.
Huh?
Pulling gags on people
as if they're something
you buy in a novelty store.
I don't think that's funny.
I suppose you have
squirting flowers and
whoopee cushions, too.
Look, I don't think
you quite understand.
I understand that
Oscar deserves better
than to be made
the brunt of gag.
Writers like Oscar Madison
don't grow on trees, you know.
Listen, I...
He deserves an apology from you.
He deserves a raise.
A raise? What are you, crazy?
Offer Madison a raise?
He's already the most overpaid
sports writer in this town.
He's lucky I'm even
considering taking him back,
the way he slops up the office.
I don't think it's necessary
to raise your
voice, Mr. Donnelly.
I'm not raising my voice,
Unter, I'm emphasizing.
My name is "Unger."
You newspapermen never
get a name right, do you?
You get this right.
I was going to
hire Madison back,
but after talking to you,
I've changed my mind.
Now get his junk
and scram, he's fired.
You can't do that to Oscar.
I can fill the job
in one minute.
With whom? Your
nephew, the house painter?
Yes, my nephew the house
painter, and you're right.
Writers like Madison
don't grow on trees, Unter.
They grow under them.
Now get out!
You're not a nice man.
TV ANNOUNCER: And so
we join Sharibeth Gleason,
the world-renowned ceramics
designer and amnesiac
in searching for Winnie,
the stray pony
with the brain tumor.
You'll remember that
Winnie was seen yesterday
in front of an all-night
truck stop near the...
Hi.
Where the freeways
meet at Downey.
She was galloping along...
How's the amnesiac?
I forgot.
I've been watching so
many of these soap operas.
This is about a stray pony
who also has a brain tumor.
( laughing lightly )
What did you turn it off for?
I, um, want to talk to you
about your job situation.
That's very
considerate of you, Felix,
but I want to see if the pony
gets rid of the brain tumor.
What if, um...
hypothetically, of course,
but what if Donnelly
doesn't call you
and you're really out of work?
Don't worry, he'll call.
Yeah, but what if he doesn't?
What if he doesn't?
He will, he will.
He won't.
He won't?
I did it.
You did it.
You did what?
Went down there?
I went down there.
You went down there.
And you told him? I told him.
You told him. What
did you tell him?
I told him the job
was beneath you.
Beneath me.
But now I'm really fired?
Want to see the pony
with the brain tumor?
No, thanks, I think I
have one of my own.
MAN ( over TV ): I had
just gotten back from Cuba
and had a lot of extra sugar
in my glove compartment.
Anyhow, the pony
looked at me sort of weirdly
and kicked up its
hind legs and fainted.
I-I leaped out of my
pickup truck, ran after him,
but he recovered quickly,
and he galloped off
in that direction, I think.
Hey, lady, do you... do
you want some sugar?
( knocks softly )
Are you mad at me?
I'm speechless.
First, penniless,
then speechless.
How could you do it?!
Do I interfere with you
when you try to go
back with your ex-wife?
Oscar, listen to me.
What do you need
this kind of life for?
It's the only kind
of life I know.
Look at it realistically.
You're not getting any younger.
How old are you?
What's the difference?
All right, for the
past 15 years,
you've been the highest
paid sports writer in the East.
And with taxes and alimony,
what have you saved?
Three and a half cents.
So?
There are men in this
town with half your talent
at half your age earning
twice what you earn,
and they don't have to
follow Orioles and Indians
all over the country.
Felix, don't you understand?
I like to follow the Orioles
and the Indians around.
But it's no life for you,
working for that rude man,
eating that rotten
ballpark food.
Well, the food may be rotten,
but the peanuts are great.
They're salty and...
So what do you got
to show for 15 years...
A craving for peanuts?
You're an intelligent man.
You don't have to be a
sports writer all your life.
When you were a kid,
didn't you have an ambition?
Oh, yeah, when I was a kid,
I once wanted to be a doctor.
Ah.
Nah, but I don't mean
a regular doctor...
A team physician,
so I could be around
all the sports guys.
Oh, Oscar, Oscar...
All right, Felix, I admit it,
it's not the greatest life
in the world, but I like it.
The only drawback is
you don't get to meet girls.
What does that mean?
Come to my studio
tomorrow morning.
Felix, I don't have
much of a future
as a high-fashion model.
The high heels... No,
listen to me, listen to me.
What? I know someone
who may be
interested in hiring you.
I don't know, you've
done such a bang-up job
with my career so far.
Trust me, that's
all I ask, trust me.
I don't think so. ( sobbing )
All right, don't cry.
I'll trust you,
Felix. Don't cry.
It's not that. I can't
look at this room.
What's the matter with the room?
MAN: I'm interested
in your friend Madison,
but are you sure
he's Harem material?
He's a very fine writer.
Your magazine could
use a quality writer.
That's all we have.
Yeah.
Let's lift the test tube
a little bit higher, please.
That's the beaker.
The thin one's the test tube.
That's it.
He does have that
mellifluous writing style
that's synonymous
with our publication.
Yes, he does. An
interesting thought.
I want to get
everything right here,
because Mr. Buffingham
is very, very particular
about what goes in his magazine.
How's that look? Is
that what you're after?
It's too serious.
Philosophy is her major.
Chemistry's just a hobby.
Here we are.
Big smile, big smile.
That's it, that's it. Good.
All right, that's it.
That's good. That's fine.
Honey, come over
here. But I haven't shot
a whole roll of film yet.
Come here.
I suppose you've read
my essay on the,
uh, Puritan ethic.
Felix?
Oscar! Oh, boy,
do you look sharp.
Really? Two weeks ago,
you said this suit was ugly.
You look like a million dollars.
Ah, you must be old Madison.
This is Oscar Madison.
This is Bo Buffingham, the
editor of Harem Magazine.
Hey, I am glad to meet you.
I read your
magazine all the time.
Even the articles.
( both laughing )
Well, I read your column.
I must say, you have
a very insightful understanding
into the psychosexual
roots of athletics.
For example, I
found your description
of Joe Namath's touchdown
passes absolutely erotic.
Football is erotic?
Oscar, Felix tells me you're
not with that tabloid anymore.
Yeah, I got...
Well, how creatively
fulfilling can it be
to spend your life
describing quarterbacks
on the free throw line?
Oscar, have you decided
what you're going to do?
Well, it's very hard.
We might have something at Harem
that might be more
creatively fulfilling.
Mona? Why don't you stop
by the office this afternoon?
Would 2:30 be all right?
Sounds fantastic. See you then.
Uh, the smock is mine.
Oh.
And the glasses.
Honey?
Is he serious?
Oh, yes.
He did a whole
issue on seriousness.
BUFFINGHAM: No,
no, I don't like this one.
With three chicks
hanging all over him,
you can't even see the sweater.
Hmm. Let's go with two chicks.
Ah, heavy.
( intercom buzzes )
Yeah?
WOMAN: Mr. Madison
to see you, Buffy.
Mm, good. Send him in.
Take down everything I say.
It might come in
handy for my column.
Feeling well?
Oh, yes. How are you?
Like a haircut?
No, thanks. I'm trying to quit.
( laughing )
That will be all, Hal.
It's a great office,
just a great office.
You like it?
Yeah.
It's not mine.
I'm just down here
while they're using
my penthouse for a layout.
I'm doing a special issue
on the sexual revolution
that I've helped
bring to this country.
That's all, honey, that's all.
Uh, save those cut hairs
for my mother's
scrapbook, will you?
( intercom buzzes )
( coughing )
Anybody laugh?
( laughing )
There.
Hello?
No, no, I'd like to
do something, uh,
that's more important,
more significant.
What about, uh...
what about nude astronauts?
No, no.
Better yet, uh...
now, this is beautiful.
Listen to this:
nude astronettes.
Yeah, it is clever,
isn't it? Yeah.
Had some of your
stuff read to me.
It's good, boy.
Thank you.
It's good, clean,
crisp, to the point.
Thank you very much.
Like Hemingway.
Thank you.
And, uh, myself.
That's why I'm
prepared to offer you
20% more than you
earned on the paper.
You mean, to work on your staff?
Mm-hmm. We need
men like you at Harem.
Excuse me, honey.
I've even taken
the liberty, uh...
Here.
Thank you. Hmm.
Whoa.
Whoa?
What's W-O?
What? Wait a minute.
No, no, you see, you've got
the cufflinks turned around.
It's, uh, O-M.
Oh.
( laughing )
O-M. Yeah, yeah.
What's O-M?
It's your initials.
My initials, because my name
is Oscar Madison, of course.
Listen, if I'd known, I'd have
worn a long-sleeved shirt.
Would you like a
long-sleeved shirt?
OSCAR: No, thanks. Are you sure?
No, I got them at
home... Brown ones, gray.
Got a lot of shirts.
Well, how about it?
You going to join the team?
Well, Mr. Buffingham,
I really don't...
Buffy.
B.B. Just call be "Buff."
Buff. Buff.
Well, Buff, I'm afraid I'm
going to have to say no.
Can't say no. Why not?
I want you. Oh.
( intercom buzzes )
I'm in conference now.
Don't bother me.
Look at 'em. Good, good.
Ten of the best.
Yeah, I like them.
So do I. Tell you what I'll do.
I'll not only offer you 20% more
than you were
earning on your last job,
plus an expense account,
but also this office.
Well... nobody's perfect.
Write that down, honey.
Gives me a humble image.
You'd let me have this office?
Mm.
Gee, I don't know.
See, I don't know
if I'd fit in... I know.
You're a meticulous man.
You'd like to know more
about the kind of people
you're going to be working with.
I think you should meet
some of your new staff.
Send Mr. Madison's
staff in, please.
It'll be kicks.
OSCAR: She's
nice... she's nice...
What does she do?
Most of the work.
Leave me any coffee?
It's been ready for an hour.
Oh, boy.
9:00 in the morning,
and he's still in his robe.
When do you get dressed?
Well, Buffy took me aside.
He told me not to
come in so early.
You know, loosen up,
make my own hours.
What time do you go to work?
I don't know,
about 11:30, 12:00.
Will you do the
breakfast dishes?
No.
Hey, Felix, you
know, you were right.
This is the greatest
job in the world.
I'm glad you're happy.
Sports.
Listen, you've been promising
to come to lunch all week.
What about this afternoon?
What time?
Oh, I don't know.
How does 3:00 sound to you?
Sounds kind of
late for lunch to me.
Felix, don't get caught up
in that middle-class jazz...
Eating at 9:00
and noon and 6:00.
You got to hang
loose, let things happen.
That's the Harem philosophy.
Where's the sports?
Well, I keep my
meals at regular hours.
That's the Unger philosophy.
I have to go to work.
I don't have the luxury of
keeping my staff waiting.
Want your newspaper?
No, thank you.
I'll buy a fresh one.
Send him in, honey.
Well, huh?
What do you think, O.M.?
What's O.M.? Oh,
that's me... O.M.
Listen, I like the Roman orgy.
Keep the girl on the skewer.
Oh, ho-ho, right on.
Hiya, Felix, old buddy.
How are you?
Wow!
Would you like a drink? Uh...
Come on, what's
your pleasure, Fel?
My pleasure, Osc?
Um... ginger ale.
Ginger ale on the rocks
with a twist of lemon.
And hold the calls,
will you, honey?
Wowie. Wow, huh?
You really like it, huh?
Oh, I'm the happiest
guy in the whole world.
Gee whiz!
Is that a view? Yeah!
I'm telling you, this
job is sensational.
Come here, I want
you to see something.
I've been waiting
for you all day.
I'm like a kid with a new toy.
Come here. You see this? Yeah?
This is called a
control center, see?
Now, I press this
button in the morning,
and a tape recorder starts,
and it takes everything
that's said in this
office down all day.
That's innovative.
And look at this, look at that.
Three major networks,
plus educational television.
You need that, huh?
Of course, you know it's a
must in this business, Felix.
You got to keep
abreast of things.
I suppose the desk
turns into a bed.
No, but the bookcase does.
What happens to the books?
Oh, they're fake.
Now, is this fantastic, Felix,
or is this fantastic?
This is fantastic.
I told you.
It doesn't seem like you, but...
But it is me, Felix.
This is the real me.
You don't miss sports?
No. This is the greatest
job in the whole world.
Felix, I want to thank you.
You're the one
responsible for it.
I know.
Boy, if these books were
real, they would be great.
Listen, forget about the books.
Tonight, you're going
to be my personal guest
at a swinging party
that Buffy's throwing
up in his apartment.
Yes, sir, right after
he tapes his TV show.
We're going to
have a yay-yay, Felix.
Aw, great. Thank you.
What's a yay-yay?
Well, that's a yay,
and that's a yay,
and you put them together...
BOTH: And that's a yay-yay.
FELIX: I don't know. It's wrong.
Beds in the bookcases.
That's not Oscar.
He-he won't go for it.
It's wrong, it's wrong.
He never liked that
sort of thing before.
He's not going to like it now.
( loud music playing )
ANNOUNCER ( over TV ):
On to baseball, strike one.
Hartman sets again,
paws the rubber,
checks his signal,
and the pitch...
It's another long
one, going, going...
Nope, it's foul.
That one looked like it was
going to be another homer.
Hi, O.M. Why don't you
come up and have some fun?
Oh, well, uh, I had
some work to do,
and the music is so loud.
Oh... What's going on up there?
Oh, a guy's about to put
a lampshade on his head.
We're having a
ball. Okay, go ahead.
Listen, I'll be a few
minutes. I'll join you, okay?
Okay. I'll be right up. Bye-bye.
ANNOUNCER ( over TV
): in the stretch, delivers...
Oh, he beaned the batter!
And that will bring
in the tying run.
Felix, I was just...
You came down to
watch the ball game.
Well, the music was so loud...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How come you're
watching on this,
not on the multipaneled wall?
Oh, a tube blew out,
and the repairman had
to take it back to the shop.
FELIX: Took out the whole wall.
These guys make
a fortune don't they?
Felix, a guy just
got hit with a ball.
He was a friend of mine.
We used to go out for
beers after the game.
Well, now he was
just lying there,
a figure on the
screen at home plate.
I-I didn't know
whether he got hit
with a fast ball or a curve.
You're unhappy.
No, I'm not unhappy.
You're miserable.
Why, because I'd rather
watch a baseball game
than listen to a loud rock band?
A loud rock band that's
made up of five nude girls.
This isn't you. Come on.
I blame myself. No...
I never should have got
you involved in Harem.
Your heart's still
back in sports.
Look, I don't
want to discuss it.
So sports isn't out
of my system yet.
It will be.
Felix, will you leave me alone?
You want anything?
Just privacy.
Mr. Donnelly?
Who are you?
Oh, yeah...
Hi. Say, let's let bygones
be bygones, shall we?
I understand your feelings.
I do, I really do. I've
come to apologize.
Look, I told you last week,
Madison's through
here, and so are you!
What did you think
of my story, Uncle Bill?
You write like a house painter.
Look, nobody asks
a 300-pound football player
what his favorite color is.
I figured it'd be a good
way to break the ice.
You know, nine out
of ten people say red.
DONNELLY: This will never do.
I'll have to rewrite it myself.
How many times
do I have to tell you
no more questions about paints?
I'm just trying to be
thorough, Uncle Bill.
Morris, why don't you take
the rest of the day off?
I'll handle this.
Hey, thanks, Uncle Bill,
but I can't go home for a while.
I forgot my house key.
That explains a lot.
What are you talking about?
You know exactly
what I'm talking about.
I came here to apologize,
but you're the one
who should apologize
to the people of this city,
for printing that rubbish
instead of Oscar's column.
You're right.
I am?
Yes, well, my nephew is
not working out too well.
Matter of fact, he's not a
very good house painter, either.
Frankly, we need Oscar back.
You should have thought of that
before you fired him.
Now, don't start
up with that again.
Tell me, uh...
how's Oscar doing over at Harem?
Oh... I heard
he really likes it.
Mm, well, he's crazy about it.
Listen, why not?
It's like Tahiti with all
the modern conveniences.
He misses sports.
You think he wishes
he were still here?
'Cause if he does, I'd
like to have him back.
I never realized how
much I really needed him.
That's the
understatement of the year.
Well, I'll give him
your message.
That's... About his raise...
Now, don't start
up with that again.
I'll convey your offer.
Thanks.
Don't be too disappointed
if he turns you down.
He wants you back so much,
he'll give you absolutely
anything you want.
He's willing to
give you a raise...
He said he would
give me a raise?
Not in so many words.
Not in so many words...
But he wants you back
so much, he can taste it.
Is that right? He'll give
you absolutely anything.
He'll give you complete freedom
to write anything you want.
Felix, he said he would give me
complete freedom to
write anything I want?
He implied it. He implied it?
Felix, what did he actually say?
He wants to talk to you.
Hey, Felix, it's great
to be back in sports.
You know, the press boxes
and the locker rooms
and everything...
Peanuts.
Especially the peanuts.
And I'm glad Buffingham accepted
my resignation so nicely.
I was a little worried about it.
Really? Yeah.
It was very nice of him
to give you his book:
The Gospel According to Buffy.
That's nice. What
do you mean, nice?
In exchange for the book,
I had to give him
back his cuff links.
That's droll.
You know, I thought I would love
the Harem lifestyle...
Wild parties, the posh offices,
the turtleneck sweaters.
It's not you. You don't
belong there. Why not?
You belong back in sports.
I'm glad you got all of
that out of your system.
Almost all of it, anyway.
Yeah.