The O.C. (2003–2007): Season 3, Episode 10 - The Chrismukkah Bar Mitz-vahkkah - full transcript

Previously on The O.C.:

I got you an appointment with
the best sports medicine doctor

in all of Orange County.

My dad really loves me.

So he's gonna really like you.

I have to tell you something.

I just want you
to know the truth.

I think I'm in love with you.

So, Summer Roberts,
you saved Chrismukkah.

Chrismukkah.

Well, that must be
a lot of fun for you.



Yeah, well, you know,
we have fun with it.

Nope!

Nope!

Look at the branch spacing.
It's like Swiss cheese.

And these stems couldn't hold
heavier ornaments.

So that's a pass then?

Why not?
We've been here three hours.

Hey, get in
the spirit, man.

It's Chrismukkah and
I love Chrismukkah.

So we've heard.

Seriously, the best thing
I've ever done.

Every Jewish boy
wants Christmas.

I gave myself that.

Well, what's
the equivalent?



What does every
Christian kid want?

Easy, a bar mitzvah.

I've never wanted one.

Well, that's just 'cause
you don't know better.

Oh.

Coop, let's look
over here.

Again?
Yes.

Sorry.

Seriously, I think you should
really consider it.

What, a bar mitzvah?

Yeah, you've brought some much
needed "Chris" to the Cohens.

But I think you could really
use a little "mukkah."

Mm, I don't think so.

It's tough talk from a guy
that eats a lot of bagels.

Oh, you think Johnny
would like that tree?

Johnny?

Johnny who?
Johnny Harper, Johnny?

Johnny, the one
"let's take time off,

just be friends because
I'm in love with you" Johnny?

It's just, I feel bad.

I mean, it's the holidays
and he's all alone

laid up with his knee.

I don't know,
Cooper-Scooper.

That's a bad nickname.

And, besides, I already
talked about it with Ryan.

And he's cool
with everything.

Hmm.

It's just a tree.

Okay.

But I get to pick it out.

Everything cool
with you and Marissa?

Yep, we had
a really good talk.

Mm-hmm, the whole
Johnny thing?

There is no Johnny thing.

I mean, there is,
but not for her.

Anyway, it's the holidays.

I'm sure Johnny's the
last thing on her mind.

Hey, so we found a great tree
for Johnny's house.

Did you now?

Yeah, well, I figured he could
use some holiday cheer.

I think that's
a good idea.

Come on.

And what do you
think, Cohen?

My Chrismukkah forecast
calls for trouble.

( piano and acoustic guitar
strumming gentle melody )

S03E10
The Chrismukkah Bar Mitz-vahkkah

* California, here we come

* Right back
where we started from *

* California

* California...

Hey!

Oh, hey. Marissa.

If you're looking for Johnny,
it's probably not the best time.

Is everything okay?

JOHNNY:
Who is it, Ma?

Hey, guys.

Hey. Brought you a little
something for the holidays.

It only took Summer
five hours to pick it out.

Thanks, that really nice
of you guys.

That is nice.

Here, let me.
Yeah.

I'll be inside.

What's going on?

Nothing. Um...

just... we got a call
from the doctor.

Something wrong
with the surgery?

There's not gonna be a surgery.

Apparently, my mom's insurance
doesn't cover it so...

So he's not gonna do
the operation?

He would...

if we could
pay for it.

So I guess I'm gonna have
to get used to living here

a little while longer.

Sorry, man.

It's cool.
You know,

I was kinda getting
sick of surfing anyway.

Thanks for the tree.

I'll see ya.
Yeah.

I think he really
liked the tree.

Hey.

I tell ya
the air is crisp.

It must be 70 degrees
out there.

The kids are not back yet
with the tree?

Oh, not yet.
Seth said they'll be awhile.

I'm just pulling out stockings
and menorahs and Yarma Claus.

All the Chrismukkah trimmings.

Remember when Seth
made him this?

It feels like forever ago.

What feels like forever ago...

is when my mom and I made this.

My dad claimed
it was his favorite.

Always demanded
that he got to hang it.

It's your first
holiday without him.

And the last one with
the boys in the house.

Merry Chrismukkah, huh?

Well, luckily, Chrismukkah

has twice the resistance
of an ordinary holiday.

It's just that this year
it just feels like

it's flying by
so fast, Sandy.

And I just feel adrift.

Well, you've got your
business with Julie.

Hey, you want to feel
better about your own life,

hanging out with Julie Cooper's
a great way to begin.

I should check in on her.
See how she's doing.

You mark my words--

this will be the best
Chrismukkah ever.

You're beginning
to sound like Seth.

Well, it just means you'll
miss him less when he's gone.

MARISSA:
You guys, we have to do something.

We need a Chrismukkah miracle.

Oh. Right.

A Chrismukkah miracle,
that's what I do.

Okay. Um...

How 'bout if we...

No.

No.

What if...?!

No. I know!

Stu-pid.

I can actually
see the wheels turning.

Well, how much
can surgery be?

It's a few grand
at least.

If any of you were even
remotely Jewish,

I would just say we could pool
our bar mitzvah money, but...

Holy crap, that's it.
What's it?

N... oh, n-n-n-n-no.

Yes.
No way, dude.

Yes way, dude.
No.

Yes way, dude.
I'm sorry. I can't.

I won't.
Will.

I'm not having it.

Having what?

A bar mitzvah.

Ryan gets bar mitzvahed.

Now that is funny.

Yeah, see?
Summer's laughing.

No, that's just gas.
Now listen...

Hey!

this wouldn't be an
ordinary bar mitzvah.

You know what
this would be?

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

A Chrismukkah bar mitzvahkah.

Spell that, dude.

That's crazy.

Yeah?

So crazy it just might work.

So, we throw a big party...

And Ryan gets the money
from the bar mitzvah?

And then we can
spend it on Johnny's surgery.

So how's this gonna work?
Am I just gonna stand in front

of Newport and sing Hebrew?

You chant.
And hell yes.

What kind of centerpieces
should we get?

I don't know.
Band or DJ?

A DJ with dancers.
Yeah.

I like the Pussycat Dolls.

Oh, my God, you're serious.

We can get so many
cool things.

We can get Herkel the Jewish Clown.
Herkel?

DJ Goldsteinberger.

( knocking )

I told you guys I'm not going
to your Christmas party.

Even if you are
deep frying a ham.

Well, deep fried ham
sounds delicious.

Kirsten, um...

I thought we weren't
doing any business

until after the new year?

I didn't come here for business.

Oh, just happened to be
in the neighborhood, huh?

I came to see how you were.

I'm great.

Some of the neighbors are having
cockfights in an hour.

Using stray dogs.
It's a holiday tradition.

My money's on
the feisty weimaraner.

Good.

'Cause I'm awful.

I'm spitting Skoal into a can,

drinking wine
from a bottle I unscrewed

and living in a home
that, if I wanted to,

I could put into reverse.

I'm beyond awful.

You're at least gonna spend the
holidays with Marissa, right?

You know, we were,

but the Four Seasons
in Maui is booked.

Haven't told her?

What, that her mom's now
a Jeff Foxworthy fan?

She thinks
our new oceanfront condo

is undergoing a remodel.

Julie, what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna let her have her fun.

And I will be miserable.

Well, misery loves company.

Hey.

Hi.

Dr. Roberts.

Hello.
Hi, how are you?

I'm good, Seth.
How are you?

Great. I'm with your daughter
so, how could I not be great?

Plus the Angels won.

Looking pretty good
this year, hmm?

Baseball season ended
months ago, Seth.

But the market is up. Yes?

No?

It's a good time
for the market?

Yes? No?

It's good.
It's bad?

It's a bad time for the market.
Cohen?

Why don't you go comb out
Princess Sparkle's tail.

I know that relaxes you.

What?

Summer, what are you...?

What are you talking about?
I would never...

Is the comb where I left it?

Yeah.

Okay.

How are you, sweetheart?

Oh, I'm good.

I just had a trial run
at the Christmas tree lot.

I helped pick out
the Cohens' tree.

Ah.
Oh, is what's her name around?

I thought maybe we could all
go later and pick out ours?

Your stepmother?

She's out of town.

She's meeting with the
maharishi in New Delhi.

She wants to get centered
for the new year.

Mm.

So, when she's here
she's not really here,

but now she's really not here?

We have each other.

And I've got
a ton of work.

Well, can't tummy tucks wait?
It's the holidays.

Aren't you the least bit bummed
that your wife ditched us?

I'm too busy.

I really haven't had the chance
to be bummed.

I've got to be off
to the O.R.

When you want to get that tree,
you just let me know.

Bye, Dad.

Nice! That was sick!

He hasn't moved all day.

Johnny, your friends
are here.

Hey, man.
Hey.

Hey.

This is when me and Chili
went down to Costa Rica.

It was the greatest trip of my life.

Now it's the most depressing.

Well, we have some good news.

Yeah?
I could use some of that.

Yeah, well, you're gonna
have the surgery.

Yeah, we're gonna
throw a party.

Well, a fund raiser.

I mean, we have them
all the time

so it's not really
a big deal.

But everyone in Newport
usually comes.

Yeah, we'll raise the money.

So, I'm like a charity case now?

No, it's not like that.

The rich people
pay for the poor kid.

How's it not like that?

We're trying to help.

I appreciate that.

But I've always
taken care of myself.

Okay, all right.

But now is not the time
to be proud.

Hey, man,
if anyone should understand...

Look, thanks,
but, no, thanks, all right?

I should probably lay down.

My knee's killing me.

Thanks for stopping by.

I don't care.

Ryan's still getting
a bar mitzvah.

Come on, the whole point
was to help Johnny.

Maybe, uh, to you, but do any of you
remember my bar mitzvah?

Wait, wasn't that
Luke's birthday?

We played paint ball.

That was so much fun.

Yeah, that was fun.

Apparently for the entire 13-year-old
population of Orange County.

None of whom happened to swing
by Temple Beth'el that day.

But you know what?

Now, I'm gonna get a do-over.

I just wish
he'd let us help him.

Well, he doesn't want to be
our charity case.

Poor guy.

Slight of build and on crutches.

He's kind of like
our very own Tiny Tim.

( sighing ):
He was pretty upset yesterday.

But he'd just gotten
the news so...

Yeah, maybe if he just thinks
about it he'll change his mind.

Exactly.
So, it's on.

MARISSA: All right, well,
you guys keep working on it.

I'm gonna go talk to him.

All right.

Meet you at the diner.

Bye.

We only have
one hurdle left

before you become a man.

A bar mitzvah for Ryan?

Ooh, it just makes me feel
all tingly hearing you say it.

Do you have any idea
how offensive this is?

I'm not trying
to offend, just help.

Well, you've gotta be Jewish
to be bar mitzvahed.

Let's just start there.

Why are you guys doing this?

Our friend, Johnny,
he can't afford knee surgery.

It's like a fund-raiser.

Which is where we need you, Mom.

It's a sacred
religious event.

A tradition that marks
a Jewish child's obligation

to observe

the Ten Commandments.

I'm sorry

and that's a problem
with the Jews right there.

We have no concept of marketing.

You're on thin ice.
Now, listen to me, a long time ago,

Mom's team allowed Christmas
to be about reindeers

and snowmen
and Tim Allen movies.

And I would say that that's
a pretty religious holiday.

The birth of Christ?

I'd say so.

You betcha.

Well, now, the bar mitzvah is
our greatest export possibility.

It's got huge crossover
potential.

It's an honorary bar mitzvah.

It's a Christmas-kah bar
mitzvah-kah.

I like it.

And they're helping
their friend.

But we need your blessing.
That's right.

The club is throwing
a holiday party anyway.

We'll hijack it.

We'll just tell the Newpsies

that we're raising money
for the hospital.

Sandy, it could be really fun.

It's honorary.

Hey.

Minimal Hebrew.

Which I'm fine with.

No tallis, no Hallel.

No Tefillin.

Hey, as long as people
are dancing to "YMCA"

and handing over envelopes
of cash, we're in.

Then so are we.

Mazel Tov, buddy.

( door creaks )

Hey,

what are
you doing?

Solitaire.

Are you winning?

There's nothing worse
than losing to yourself, huh?

You got some time to talk?

Actually, I'm kinda busy.

I can see that.

No, I'm serious.

What's your problem, Johnny?

I mean, you don't want help
from anyone?

Or you just don't want help
from me?

My problem is my problem.

( cell phone rings )

I'm sorry.
I've gotta take this.

I can wait.

It's private.

Hey...

actually it's not
a good time.

You know what?
It's fine.

I'll go.

Marissa...

Sorry, okay?

Yeah, sure,
I can meet you.

I can't believe this is you.

Hard to believe I was
once skinny and awkward.

I know.

No, but-but seriously.

You went out in public
like this?

It's one of the unfortunate
truths of the bar mitzvah, Ryan.

It's the most awkward time
in a young, Jewish boy's life.

But also the most photographed.

Hmm... Is there
a videotape, too?

You have to kill me first.
Hey...

My archery award
from Camp Takahalmac,

my clay hot dog I made
in seventh grade,

my diorama of I Know Why
the Caged Bird Sings...

There we go.

This is the CD I trained with.

Rabbi Gutterman,
he does a lovely job.

And very easy
for you to mimic.

Ooh, I don't know
if I can do this, man.

It'll be over
before you know it.

Listen, you just chant
a little Torah,

you dance
a little horah

And then we're golden.

As soon as you hear
"That's What Friends Are For" you're done.

That song's Jewish?

It mind as well be.
It's a staple of every bar mitzvah.

It's you and all your friends,

your arms around each other, swaying.

It's awesome.

I thought all the kids you invited
went to Luke's birthday party?

It's hypothetically awesome.

But tomorrow
we're gonna rewrite history.

Well, I guess I should go study.

And then I gotta meet up
with Marissa...

Hey!
No slacking with the lady, okay?

You got 24 hours
to learn Hebrew,

to read the Old Testament...

And humiliate myself in front
of the whole town.

It's better than humiliating
yourself in front of no one.

Trust me.

KIRSTEN:
Oh, Julie, this is just what we need

to lift us out
of our holiday blues.

We're throwing
a party.

It's called a bar mitzvah-kah
which sounds delightful.

Seth is definitely
one of a kind.

But how's
this gonna work?

We raise a little money
for the hospital.

They throw in an
arthroscopic surgery.

And they're gonna
go for that?

Julie Cooper?

Hi, doctor.
Have we met?

Well, I certainly hope so.

Your daughter's living
at my house.

Oh, Neil, I didn't
even recognize you.

Hi, Neil.
how are you?

I'm good, Kirsten.
Busy.

Well, I should thank you again
for letting Marissa live with you.

Oh, there's no need
to thank me.

I know how unnerving
a remodel can be.

Uh, do you know where
the administrator's office is?

Dr. Singh?

What do you want
with that crank?

We're throwing a little
fund-raiser for the hospital.

He's definitely not the guy
to see about a party.

Besides, he's
in the Bahamas.

You're kidding?

But maybe
I can help you.

I'm head of plastic surgery
and I'm on the board.

Yes... well...

It's called
a bar mitzvah-kah.

I like to introduce you
to my father-in-law.

And here's the nana, my mother.

Well, hello.

My father-in-law, Caleb Nichol.
Shalom.

Hey, Seth.

You wanna dance,
sweetheart?

This song is called "That's
What Friends Are For."

It's for your friends.

Well,
we're your friends.

This is my funeral,
not my bar mitzvah.

No one showed up.

And you said Summer Roberts
was coming.

She RSVP'd.

( whispering ):
So did a lot of kids.

I hate it here.

Ow.

KIRSTEN:
What's wrong honey?

My rapid pallet expander
is killing me.

Hey, Portnoy,
how's it going?

Ah, I gotta meet Marissa.

I'm late.
Lost track of time.

That's the Torah
for you right there.

Once you start unscrolling
it's really hard to stop.

I'm a dead man tomorrow
by the way.

Yeah, well, listen,
in all seriousness,

I think it's pretty great
what you're doing for Johnny,

considering everything.

Yeah, maybe it'll make me
a saint.

Jews don't believe in saints,

just really good
stand-up comics.

( mouthing words to "YMCA" )

Hey, I'm waiting for someone.

It'll just be a minute.

Hey, Johnny.

Are you okay?

Not really.

Hey, look,
you're gonna get better.

If I don't...
my whole life I've dreamt of one thing.

I was so close
to making that happen.

It was gonna
change my life.

That can still happen.

I'm sorry I've been
taking this out on you.

I know I've made
things weird.

Sometimes...

knowing that you're pulling
for me...

It's the only thing
that keeps me going.

Hey... we're gonna
get through this.

Okay?

We'll get through it together.

What do you mean
you're not doing it?

I mean I'm done helping
this kid.

Why?
Did something happen?

Oh, something's gonna happen.

Well, can't it just wait till
after the holidays?

No, it can't.

Johnny's in love
with Marissa

and she can't seem
to get enough of the guy.

Oh, sounds like there's

a low-grade
relationship issue brewing.

Very high-grade.
It's level five.

What's your problem?

There is no problem.

I'm just not humiliating
myself tonight.

Wh...? You're quitting?

This is bad news.

Great news.

So, Neil Roberts cleared the
fund-raiser with the board.

Julie and I
talked to the Newpsies.

We're all set for tonight.

You were right.

This is gonna be the best
Christmas-kah every.

I gotta go set up.

That was remarkable timing--
my mom right there.

Oy, humbugs.

Well, sweetheart, I have to say,
your mom taught you well.

She used to spend hours
picking out a tree.

Seeing how dry the pines were.

Hmm, if it's dry say goodbye.

How much sap was on the bark.

Sticky, but critical.

And how the tree looked with all
of your presents underneath it.

Anything with presents
for me looks good.

Hey, Dad?

What, baby?

Why did Mom leave?

Well, I mean I was
only 13 years old.

Your mom...

Well, she just didn't like it
here with me, I guess.

I remember when you told me
the news.

I think that was the worse day
of my life.

I know and you were already
upset with me

'cause I didn't let you go to
Luke Ward's birthday party.

Really?

Yeah, you had already RSVP'd
to some other engagement.

Oh, my God. Yeah.

Not that it mattered.

You didn't come out of your room
for three days.

When you found out...
you cried.

But we've done okay?

Yeah.

And your stepmother, she's very
sweet on you.

That's because she's medicated.

I'm sorry.

I just miss Mom sometimes.

I know.

Me, too.

I've got rounds.
I won't be long.

Okay.

Seth.

Dr. Roberts.

Did you see that?

That was a breakthrough
moment for us.

Everything okay?

Yeah.

It's just the holidays can
be hard, you know?

Yeah, can I help?

You already have.

Hey, thanks for meeting me.

Of course.

After last night, you really
talked me off the ledge.

Yeah.

I kinda wanted to talk
about last night.

I just feel weird
about what happened.

Nothing happened.

I mean, well, there was
a definite vibe.

That I like you?

It's not a vibe.
It's the truth.

Which I've already
shared with you.

Unintentionally,
but...

you still seem to want
to hang out.

I do... I just...

I wanna stay friends.

( sighs ) Can we...
start over?

Yeah, of course.
I just...

I mean, I kinda need to know
that everything's okay with you.

My knee's screwed up and I give
off a vibe, but other than that.

I mean, what were you doing
last night?

'Cause I saw you out here
with this guy and...

Look, I thought we
just made peace.

I told you I'm

taking care of things.

What does that mean?
It means...

don't ask questions you don't
want answers to.

Let's just leave it at that,
okay?

SANDY: ( knocking )
Hey, kid.

You mind turning off
the TV?

I don't really feel
like talking.

Aw, that's good,
'cause I do.

You can listen.

( turns off TV )

That's right.

It's time for the big Sandy
Cohen uplifting speech.

Look, Sandy, I've got
my reasons.

I'm sure you do.

Just like I had mine when I didn't
want you to do this crazy thing.

Sorry I let you down.

Well, it's not just me.

There's also Kirsten.

She has her heart set on it.

And the hospital--
they're all excited about it.

And your friend Johnny, who--
whatever he's done--

he could really use your help.

You can still have the event.

Just do it without me.

Well, that'd be
missing the point.

The whole thing
about a bar mitzvah

is it's about becoming a man.

Not that you aren't
one already.

But, if there were ever a time
for an adult moment, this is it.

Whatever's going on,

set it aside
until after tonight.

I'd really be swallowing
my pride.

I'm not saying it tastes good,
but--

Gotta do the
right thing.

Yeah, feels like I do that
a lot.

That's 'cause, Ryan Atwood,
you're a mensh.

And after tonight, I'm gonna
tell you what that means.

Gosh dammit.

Oh.
Oh.

Julie, what are you doing?

We're supposed to
be setting up?

Yeah, right.

Well, I just felt like telling
overdressed, oversexed Newpsies

how to hang streamers wasn't
gonna make me feel any better.

And I thought we were
doing this for charity.

Well, of course.

It's just, I feel like the
Newpsies won't get me anymore.

It's not like
I can have them over

for Pop-tarts and cockfights.

You're avoiding Marissa,
aren't you?

I had no problem keeping other
secrets from her.

Julie, tell her the truth.

She's your daughter.
It's the holidays.

You should be together.

You're right.

I'll go over there this evening
and do it.

I haven't heard from you
all day.

Been studying.
Big night tonight.

Well, I thought we were gonna
have dinner last night.

I had a lot of
Old Testament to cover.

Well, I haven't heard you use
that one before.

That's probably good anyway.

How is that good?

Because if you had shown up

you might've seen me and Johnny

and it might've seemed like
something it wasn't.

I saw you guys.

I have a bad habit of showing up
at the wrong time.

Yeah, well nothing happened.
I promise.

We were just talking.

Looked like more than that.

He's in bad shape.

I'm worried about him.

Well, I'm starting to be, too.

What is this thing you have?

What thing?

Always helping
these kinds of guys.

What...

the wounded loner types?

Sometimes they turn out
to be good guys.

I don't have feelings
for Johnny.

I'm just worried about him.

I think he might be up to
something dangerous.

Johnny doesn't seem like
the dangerous type.

Yeah, well, he's scared.

And desperate.

What do you think it is?
I don't know.

I mean, dealing drugs?

We're just so close
to helping him.

( sighs )
All right.

All right, I'll talk to him.

And, uh... I'll
see you tonight.

So how's Johnny doing?

You know, first
his girlfriend,

then the accident.

I just don't know what he would
do without all you guys.

Well that's what friends are
for, right? Is he...?

Yeah, his room's
just down the hall.

Thanks.

Johnny?
Hey, man.

Ryan?

Hey, uh, I'll
just be a minute.

Yeah.

( whispers ):
Take your time.

Hey, man.

Hey, sorry to show up
unannounced.

Um... no prob.

Is everything cool?

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Actually, I'm just trying to,
uh...

trying to get you to come
to this party.

It's not still for me, right?
No, no, no, no.

We found a different cause.
I'm, um...

I'm getting bar mitzvahed.

You'd have to know Seth better.

Well, um, thanks
for the invite, man,

but I've got
some stuff to do, so...

It'll be fun.
You could use some fun.

Um... I really can't.

Sure you can.

Everyone wants to see you.

Whatever you're doing,
it can wait, right?

Um... Okay,
I just gotta get ready.

I'll be five minutes.
Great.

I'm gonna embarrass myself in
front of a lot of people.

Hey, man.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Look at all them
signatures.

Attendance is amazing.

So, Cohen, no one came
to your bar mitzvah?

Uh, not no one.

The nanna came.

Uh, Rabbi Gutterman swung by
after the ceremonies.

That is so sad.

Well, apparently me
in a yarmulke

was not as enticing a draw
as Luke in camo pants.

Hey, the photographer has summoned us
for our family photos.

And Ryan, our orthodontist has offered
to take your braces off for the big day.

Ah, he couldn't have
done that for me?

Hey.

Don't let him out
of your sight, okay?

You're okay with that?

Yeah, well, till I can figure out
what he's up to.

Julie, look at you.
Whoa.

I hope I'm not
disturbing you.

Come on in.

I haven't been here
in so many years.

I forgot how majestic
your home is.

Well, luckily there
are a lot of

aging vain people
in this town.

Is Marissa here?

I was hoping
to catch up with her.

No, she already left
for the event.

Oh, well.

Just as well I suppose.

Would you like a drink?

Well, I think Marissa's
a great girl.

She's very good
for Summer.

Gives her an ally in the house
when I'm working.

Well, Marissa wasn't a fan
of my remarriage, either.

But, hopefully, I'll have her out
of your hair soon.

Remodel's almost finished.

Little white lies
we tell our kids.

Excuse me?

Well, I've been
telling Summer

that everything
is great, also.

Truth is I'm looking down the
barrel of divorce number two.

Oh, Neil, I'm so sorry.

No, don't be.

The way my wife self-medicates,
she could be a pharmacist.

Been miserable for years.

I live in a trailer park.

If only I could say that
to Marissa.

Sometimes it's okay to keep
our kids out of harm's way.

I just feel terrible
lying to her.

We've come so far.

You're remodeling your life.

It's all about how you slice it.

Yes, well, you are the surgeon.

Do you have any interest
in a party?

It's nice to see you again.

Ryan, over here please.

Everybody, eyes right
to the lens.

Terrific.

Let me show you
to your seats.

I was born to usher.

Marissa,

come join us.

You're practically family.

I think
technically she is.

I think that's true.

Overhere, everybody.

One, two.

Great, let's just have one
with the bar mitzvah boy.

I'll be right back.

How are you good people
of Newport Beach?

Welcome to the first
and quite possibly the very last

Chrismukkah bar mitzvakkah,

a charity event for the Robbins
Heights Hospital.

Hey.
Hey.

Johnny's gone.

What?

Yeah, I lost him.
I don't know how, but he can't be far.

Okay, all right.

I'll be right back.

Okay.

I hope you find it entertaining
and enlightening.

And if not, we've thrown in
a big party for good measure.

Now the young man who will soon
become a real man

is Ryan Atwood.

Now, I'm sure some of you
have heard of him,

but none of you have seen him
like this.

Let's here it for Ryan Atwood.

Go, do something.
You gotta...

No, no. I am not
reliving this.

Once was horrible enough.

Okay, come on.
Stop. Please?

Seth Cohen. Hello.

Uh, Ryan, forgot his glasses
so he's going to be right back.

SANDY:
Ryan doesn't wear glasses.

He does when he's reading
from right to left.

And so that is how I came up
with Chrismukkah.

Because you can't have "Chris"
without a little "Mukkah."

Huh?

Who here is familiar
with the story of Hanukkah?

No? No, Red Sea pedestrians?

Okay, well,
today's your lucky day.

Because, Summer Roberts, will
you please join me on stage?

Summer Roberts.

Summer, can I welcome you
to the stage, please?

She's gonna be portraying
the part of Juna Macavee.

And Marissa Cooper will be
portraying the miraculous oil.

Ooh, I hope I didn't give away
the ending.

We're closing up.

( cash register beeps )

Hey, man.

Ryan.

We're closing up.

Yeah, sorry.

Uh, can I get a pack of
Marlboros and a lottery ticket?

I'm feeling lucky.

Uh-huh.

Come here.

What are you doing here?

I could ask you
the same thing.

I'm handling this, man.
Yeah, it looks like it.

Great plan. I don't see
any holes in it at all.

I have no choice.

Of course you do.
It doesn't have to be like this.

Yeah, what am I supposed to do?

You said if anyone would
understand it'd be me.

Well, you're right.
So listen.

Sometimes you gotta let
the rich people help you.

We'll take care
of the surgery.

Let us help.

We should go.

I've got a lot of people
waiting for me.

* And when it's dry and ready *

* Oh, dreidel, I will play

Now everybody join in.

* Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel

* I made it out of...

They don't really like
our songs.

Why don't you let Coop and I
handle this?

If you know
what I mean.

Ready?

* Deck the halls
with boughs of holly *

* Fa, la, la, la, la,
la-la, la, la *

* 'Tis the season to be jolly

* Fa, la, la, la, la,
la-la, la, la *

* Don we now
our gay apparel... *

Our bar mitzvah boy is here,
Ryan Atwood.

( applause )

Where were you?

I think figuring out
what a mensh is?

They're all yours.
Thanks.

Okay, sorry to keep you guys
waiting.

So, we are all gathered here
for an honorary bar mitzvah.

But, um....

but I wouldn't be here at all

if it weren't for a mitzvah
the Cohens performed for me.

See, mitzvah means any act
of human kindness.

And, well, that's really what
we're here to celebrate.

So, if you'd open your programs
and turn to page two.

Mazel tov, kid.

Thank you, sir.

Come here, come here.
We're so proud.

I know.

You're finally a man now.

They're playing
your song.

Yeah, yeah.

Cohen? I think that I've owed you
this dance for, like, five years.

Well, better late
than never.

Uh, Ryan, this is a song
about friendship.

I'll see you out there.

All right?

Uh, excuse me.

Excuse me a second.
Hey.

This is the moment
Seth's been waiting for.

He finally has some friends.

Sure.
Mm-hmm.

Uh, hang on.

Friends?

Friends.

Actually this is kinda lame.

( laughs )

Hey.

Sorry.

Hi, Kirsten.
You look lovely.

Julie.

Good to see you.
Good to see you.

Sandy.

Doctor.

Good to see you.

Dad! Hey, what are you
doing here?

It's the holidays.
I needed a break.

Well, come dance with us.

Come.

All right. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Hey.

Dr. Roberts. Shalom.

Shalom.

Friends?

Friends.

Marissa.

Hey, Mom.
Hey.

I come in peace.

Hey, it's the holidays.

It's nice to see you.

What did I tell you?

Best Chrismukkah ever.

by paulonline