The O.C. (2003–2007): Season 2, Episode 18 - The Risky Business - full transcript

Previously on The O.C.:

SANDY:
Wow, so that's Carter Buckley?

I thought he'd look
more like Jerry Garcia.

ZACH: You and me and Summer
working on a comic book together,

it's probably not the best idea
in the first place.

Little brother.
Good to see you, man.

Trey's going to be
staying with us.

Just until I can
find my own place.

You're Ry's girlfriend.

Oh, well, no, well, not anymore.

Yeah, we're just friends.



Friends.

Hey.

Hey.

What are you making?
Mom's hangover special?

What do you mean, a pack of
smokes and fresh cocktail?

Nope. Just, uh, something
picked up in prison.

Ah, yeah, the old scallion
and shiv omelet.

I've seen Lockup, Stallone's
finest work since Over the Top.

Stallone, huh?

Nah, I'm more of
a Van Damme fan.

Are you kidding
me? Seagal, man.

Yeah, a divided house
cannot eat.

Now, we all gotta get together
behind a single action hero.

Steve McQueen.



Steve Ma-who?

My own son doesn't know
Steve McQueen.

You know, a lot of people
like Great Escape.

I gotta go with Bullitt.

He cooks breakfast
and a McQueen fan.

I knew I liked you.

How was surfing?
Unbelievable.

You surf?

He surfs, he sings,
he technically fights crime.

Maybe Sandy Cohen
should be our action hero.

Just say the word, my son.

Think you can give me
a surf lesson sometime?

KIRSTEN:
Oh, better you than me.

He's been trying to get me
out there for years.

I have tried, I have tried,
I have failed, I have failed.

Julie Cooper.
This can't be good.

Julie is, uh, Marissa's mom.

Oh, so, Ryan's mother-in-law.

What?

What, Ryan and Marissa?
What?

It's on.

SANDY:
Really?! I am always the last to know.

There is nothing to know.

Oh, really? 'Cause that's not
what it looked like the other night.

You coming to Marissa's
rescue and all.

Well, he's very chivalrous, not
unlike a young Steve McQueen.

Yeah, some people say chivalry is dead.
I don't believe it.

There's nothing going on
with me and Marissa.

Nothing?

Really?

Ryan...

We're taking it slow.

( cheering )

Takin' it slow.

All right!

Well, it's a good thing
she's no longer your neighbor.

That's right. It's hard to take
it slow if they're next door.

KIRSTEN: So, Caleb and Julie
are off on their trip.

Well, what are we
gonna do without them?

Well, for starters, their
housekeeper got deported,

and so there's no one to stay
in the house with Marissa.

So, I told Julie that Marissa
could stay here for the week.

That'll keep things
at a snail's pace.

( piano and acoustic guitar
strumming gentle melody )

S02E18
The Risky Business

* California, here we come *

* Right back where
we started from *

* California *

* California... *

SUMMER: I can't believe you're
moving in with the Cohens.

It's just for the week.

Besides, this way, I can keep
an eye on your boyfriend.

And yours.

What? I'm not dating Seth.

Coop, we know who I mean.

No, I don't, 'cause
I don't have a boyfriend.

Oh, right.
Yeah, you and Ryan

staying under the same tent
drove Alex out of town.

Can't imagine
what's gonna happen

with you two
under the same roof.

Nothing will happen.

Yeah, and nothing
will happen in this.

What? It's cute.

Yeah, well, if you think
it's cute wearing something

that screams, "Take me now!"

Look, it's the
middle of spring.

It's too hot
to wear flannel PJs.

What's gonna
be too hot

is you wearing this, and Ryan
seeing you wearing this.

He's not gonna see me
wearing it.

But just in case.

I know.

Don't worry.
I'll, I'll, I'll handle it.

I'll find a replacement.

Okay, thanks. Bye.

Mm. Oh, hey, honey.

What are you doing?

I'm heading in
to the office,

starting work on the
low-income housing initiative.

So you're free, then?

( chuckling ):
No. What's up?

Well, you know, the
O.C. charity yard sale

that I was supposed to chair
but can't because I'm working.

The O.C. has
a charity yard sale?

Well, the donors get to
keep half the money,

so it's not just
for charity.

I thought all the yards
around here were gated.

It's in a ballroom.
Of a country club.

So a charity event where
the donors keep half the profits

and a yard sale with no yard.

Huh. So that's how
they do it in the O.C.

Sandy...

I was just wondering
if you could do me a...

tiny... little... favor.

No.

No way.

Sandy, it's an honorary chair,
a figurehead position.

You'd be the master
of ceremonies,

like an auctioneer,
and you know what an MC has...

An unfair advantage--

you know
the opponent's weakness.

That's right.
A microphone, onstage,

with an audience,

a captive audience.

And a few show
tunes, perhaps?

No... you just have to go by
the club today and say hello.

Just a figurehead.

With a mic.

Hey, men!

I'm chairing the O.C.
Psuedo-Charity Non-Yard Sale.

Gee, Dad, that's fantastic.
Good luck with that.

I need your help.

What are you doing?

Well, I never thought I'd be so happy
to say this, but Ryan and I have school.

That's your excuse today.
Tomorrow, you you're mine.

What are you doing today?

Looking for a job.

I got one for you:
Me, you and the Newpsies.

What's a Newpsie?

SANDY:
They're like vultures,

except the Newpsies
like to paint their talons.

Actually, they'd rather have
somebody else paint their talons.

Oh, here comes
a flock right now.

Sandy Cohen, right on time.

We just stopped by to say hello
and test the mic.

Oh, and you brought a friend?
Yes, indeed.

Trey, meet Newport's finest.

Trey came along just in case we needed
a little help, but I see you don't.

My goodness,
you guys are pros.

We're gonna get
out of your hair.

Uh, actually,

it's great that
you're here.

The moving company we hired
got a flat tire,

and now we have no one
to do the heavy lifting.

Heavy... lifting...

I guess I...
I could do that.

Oh, thank God. Follow me.

SANDY: I'll be back to pick you up
in a couple of hours.

I'm glad he could help out.

Um, Sandy,

the job of the chair is
to choose table linens,

flatware, centerpieces...

All right, okay, I'll help
Trey with the lifting.

We need you, Sandy.

You're the honorary chair.

It's not just a
figurehead position.

It's not?

Let me just paint a picture
of what could maybe happen.

Now, it's late at night
and you're thirsty.

So is she. So you meet
up at the fridge. "Hey."

( falsetto ):
"Hey."

"You who?"

( falsetto ): "Maybe just you.
Let's kiss on the mouth, okay?"

Oh, let's French hard.

What are you doing?
Aah!

Hey, I gotta get going to
class. I'm gonna be late.

Was Seth talking about me,

and how awkward it's
gonna be when I move in?

What, you moving in?
I had no idea.

Really? 'Cause my mom
said she called Kirsten

and ran it by you guys.

Hmm, no, no, but you're
moving in, that's great.

It won't be awkward, right?

( scoffs )

Is this awkward?

No, not at all.

Great. See you then.

Hey.

( crashing )

Don't blame me
for your sexual tension.

Hey, Cohen.

Hey.

You know what's coming out
on DVD this weekend?

Yeah, I sure do--
Elektra--

and there's a reason
I didn't see that crap

in the theaters.
Come on.

Ever since the whole
comic book debacle,

I kind of promised Summer
I'd dial it down a bit.

I'm in the same boat.

My mom is making me
donate ten of these

for the charity yard sale.

Dude, you're a martyr.
It sucks.

Anyway, I'll see you around.
Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, Zach.

I got an idea.
Why don't I donate

five of mine,
spare you five of yours.

We'll go in on it together.
You'd do that?

Yeah. Look, we really should be putting
comic books behind us, anyways.

And it's for charity.

That's right. So we'll
split the profits, right?

Absolutely.
All right.

Good stuff.

Easy with that.

That's worth thousands
of dollars.

Then why wouldn't
they want it?

Seems like a
perfectly good stool.

It's an antique ottoman
and it's hideous.

Now, on to the
bas-relief.

What's this?

Oh, David Pastor's
father-in-law's brother

ran the prop house
at Warner Brothers.

It's from some Tom Cruise movie.

This is the crystal egg
from Risky Business?

Well, it's not
the F-14 from Top Gun.

That is so cool.

This thing must be
worth a fortune.

See, it's appraised at $10,000.

That's a fortune.

I guess.

Come, Trey.

Come.

Welcome to casa de Cohen.

We're almost at capacity,

but there's always
room for one more.

Well, thanks for
letting me stay here.

Well, I couldn't let you stay
in a mansion all by yourself.

So, where do you want me?

Good question.

RYAN: So what are you doing
with these things?

Making a grand sacrifice
for charity, Ryan.

It's all in a day's work.

When does
Marissa get here?

I don't know.
You want another dead-arm?

No, thank you.

We'll see if Trey's back
I wonder how it went.

Well, I didn't hear about Newpsie
knifings on the news, so...

Hey, you want to go a little
living room rematch?

Yeah, yeah.
Let's make it a three-way.

What?!
Came out weird.

I'll meet you downstairs.

Hi.

You're not Trey.

Kirsten moved him.

I'm going to go find him, then.

Okay.

Right. Um, sorry.
You know, if anyone should know

about knocking before entering
the poolhouse, that'd be me.

Nothing you haven't
seen before, right?

Right.

That didn't take long.

Come on, Trey's inside,
wearing a shirt.

( snoring )

Hey.

Hey.

Couldn't sleep.

Me either.

Hungry?

Sure.

Nice PJ's.

Aren't you hot?

I get cold.

Right.

How's the pool house?

Uh, weird.

You know, the only time
I've ever slept in that bed

I was with you.

Whoa.

You guys are up early.

Hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

No, it's cool.
No, it's fine.

Just got to get
a jump on the day.

( groans )

Apartment hunting.

Hey, you know, I know
a place that's available.

Yeah?
It was my friend Alex's.

Want to check it out, man?

Not now, I can't.

I got to help Sandy
with the yard sale.

Don't mess with those Newpsies.

But, hey, I did
my time yesterday.

Well, I'm free.

I could go
with you.

There you go.

Thanks.
Mm-hmm.

All right,
just so you know--

it's cool, you don't
have to find a place.

Love you like
a brother, brother,

but we're too old to be
sleeping in the same room.

All right.

Besides...

I think I'm
getting in the way.

All right, buddy,
it's catch-up time.

Since the pool house
has been occupied,

there hasn't really
been any privacy,

so this'll have
to do.

There been any, uh,
midnight run-ins involving,

say, Yoo-hoo and under-thingies?

There's nothing going on, Seth.

Okay, you be that way.
Yeah.

All right, ottoman,
work with me.

You're sexy,
get nasty.

Work with me, you ottoman,
you little...

That's it, you're a cougar.

You're a panther,
and you're in the woods.

Seth!
What? What?

Oh...

Hey, good save.

Thing's probably worth
a million dollars.

$10,000. Huh.

Says it's from Risky Business.

Really?

Hey, dude,
turn it the other way.

It's got a crack in it.

All right.

Hello.

Whoa, ow, ladies.

Hey, I hate
to say I told you so,

but these centerpieces and
those tablecloths, they, they clash.

Taryn, I told you, get those
linens with the hem stitch.

I, I know, Sandy, I know.

I'm sorry, but... you have no
one else to blame but yourself.

KIRSTEN:
Who are you,

and what did you do
with my husband?

Well, if it isn't
our proud sponsor.

I, uh, I brought
the banner and Carter.

Carter.

Sandy, I had no idea
you were so multifaceted.

Ah... Joan.

Tell me you didn't order
those napkin rings.

This is not a mob wedding.

Gosh, Sandy, I thought
they were kind of fun.

No.
Uh, who wants

to help me hang
the banner?

Ask Taryn, please.

She screwed up the tablecloths.
Get her off the tablecloths.

Okay.

Thirsty?

Yes.

So, you and Kirsten

spending a lot of time
working together.

Long hours,

late nights.

Sandy, you have a great wife.

Sorry to keep her from you.

And from everything she says,

we should be friends.

Well, here's to being friends.

You, me... and Kirsten.

So this chick just split?

Moved back
to her parents', yeah.

And didn't get her damage
deposit back, either.

So, we got
a decision?

I got a tenant in 6A
whose pipes burst.

I got to get down there
before they drown.

I'll take it.
Great.

I'll need first and
last month's rent, plus security.

Uh, that's $3,000...

I...
Uh...

Hey, you know, what if we
make you a better offer?

I mean, you know
those busted pipes?

Trey here's quite handy.

Him with a
sledgehammer, amazing.

I think she means hammer,
but... but, yeah.

What if I, uh, became your guy?

Anything breaks down,
I'll fix it.

I'll call you tonight
with an answer.

Just leave
you number.

Cohen.

Hey.

I hear you're the guy
to see about the inventory.

Hey, um, will you help me?

I've got to take pictures
of all of this crap.

Yeah.

Okay, thanks.
Hold it up.

More.

More, more.

You're naughty.
Just take the picture.

You're an animal
in the woods.

Excuse me, you're Seth?

Hey. Carter Buckley.
I'm working with...

Oh, yeah, my mom.

Your mom,
Newport Living.

She said you were
quite the comics fan.

Oh, was, was.
Zach and I here

are actually
moving on.

Yeah, we're auctioning off
our comics.

Your mom said
you had your own comic.

Oh, we did. We almost
sold it to Wildstorm,

save for a meltdown
during the pitch.

Yeah, but we're putting
that behind us now.

Must be hard to walk away from--
your own comic.

You weren't
at the meeting.

I don't think Cohen's
picked up a pencil

since that fateful
Valentine's Day.

Well, you know, I've actually
been sort of...

You went on without me?

How many issues do you have?

Uh... probably have enough for,
like, 12 or 13 stories.

That's, like, the perfect amount
for a graphic novel.

Oh, I always wanted to write

the, uh, great American
graphic novel, but we cannot.

Yes, we can. Come on, Cohen.
This is awesome.

I know, but it's not
even up to me.

You know who it's up to?
Who's it up to?

Start with an "S."

Hello, Summer,
my dearest.

Okay, what do you want, Cohen?

I thought you were
working at the yard sale.

Can't a guy just show
his lady a little bit of love?

Okay, uh,

I was at the yard sale...

and Zach and I got to talking.

Zach was there?

Glad to hear that you two are
putting the past behind you.

Well, uh, about the past.

So Zach and I got to talking,

and we're sort of
chatting about, uh,

our passions and
our dreams and...

Aw, that make you think of me?

That is so sweet.

No, actually.

Really?

Because the only other passions
you have besides me are

Captain Oats,
whiny music

and, well, I know
it can't be comic books,

because if you bring up you
and Zach and Atomic County

I'll kill you both
while you sleep.

I hope you approve
of the tablecloth

that I have selected for dinner.

I really don't care
about tablecloths, honey.

I just enjoy watching
those Newpsies squirm.

Have I mentioned how much
I like Carter?

A few times, yes.

After Jimmy left,
I thought I'd said

good-bye to my last friend,
but Carter...

I think he's a keeper.

Really?
Well, that's great.

We're talking about
hanging out next week,

maybe get some drinks.

Well, I know he likes drinks.

You are looking at
a proud new renter.

What?!
Yeah.

Wow, congrats, man.

Thanks. Thanks.

( phone ringing )

I'll get it.

Oh, thank you.

We are playing...

Cohen residence.

Oh, hi. Yeah, hang on.

Hey, Trey, it's for you.

It's the landlord.

You can grab it
right there.

Hello.

Hey, so... bad news.

Your background
didn't check out.

I just can't risk
making you the manager.

But you seem like a good guy,

so I'll hold
the place for 24 hours.

I'll, uh,
come up with the money.

Thanks.

You bet.

Everything all right?

Yeah, just wanted to know
when I'm moving in.

You sure you can cover it,
the money?

It's handled,
little brother.

I'm just going to do some
work around the place

until I can pay him back.

Told you,
I'm getting it together.

I'm proud of you, man.

Well, thank Marissa.
It was her idea.

( grunting softly )

Where you been?

( scoffs )

Don't worry about me,
Mommy.

I was over at the new place.

Landlord wanted me to
tape down some drywall.

Do a little plastering.

At 6:00 in the morning?

Plaster's got to dry
before you paint, bro.

Okay.

( knocking )

Come in!

Hey.

Hi.

I was making breakfast
and... I made too much.

Thought you might be hungry.

Oh... No thanks.

Yeah?

Hey, I just wanted to thank you
again for helping me out.

With the apartment.

But you're probably busy,
so... I'll come back later.

Look. I overheard your call.

I know he didn't take
the offer.

So when you going to tell Ryan?

I'm not.

You know, he really wants
to believe in you.

And why shouldn't he?

Because you lied to him.

It's not a lie.

I got friends.

I'm going to come up
with the money.

I can help you.

You've done enough.

And I don't need anyone else
here worrying about me.

I've got it.

All right.

But you should know,
if you do anything stupid,

it's really going to hurt Ryan.

So what do you got?

Our new hobby.

Baseball cards.

They're really cool.
They come with gum, and they're worth...

like all sorts
of different amounts.

But, each month, they go
up and down in value,

like the stock market.

And they come with gum.

You talked to Summer,
didn't you?

I dipped a toe
in the comic book pool.

It was icy, Zach,
it was subzero.

So that's it?
All that work,

you're never going to show
anyone else...

because of a girl?

She threatened
to kill us both.

( garbled ):
While we sleep.

Give me one of those pieces of gum.

Who's Kurt Schilling, anyway?

I don't know.

Dude, I like
his uniform, though.

Can I have this one?

Uh-huh.

Hey.

Hey. My mom
already left

for the Pseudo-Charity
Non... Yard Sale.

Actually,
I came to see you guys.

My old assistant is
the VP of development

at a graphic novel company.

I arranged a meeting.

( inhaling through teeth )

No. I'm sorry.
Now let's go.

Zach, you're driving.
Thank you so much, though.

Seth, do you realize
what he's saying?

Yes, he's offering to kill
my relationship with Summer.

He's offering us
a second chance.

I promised.

Dude, technically, you're
not doing anything wrong.

You said you only floated
the comic book by her,

not a graphic novel.

( sighs heavily )

They have nicer paper.

So, technically...

SUMMER:
Coop!

MARISSA:
I'm in the basement!

Hmm. Well, no torture
chamber down here.

Lost that bet.

So, what are
we looking for, anyway?

It's for the auction.
I need...

I need money
for Trey's security deposit.

Hmm. Interesting
stuff, huh?

Mm-hmm.

( sighs )

Hmm.

Hey.

Yeah, see that mark right there?

That leopard's head,
with a "W.E."?

Wow, it means made in London
by William Eaton, circa...

1876, I think.

Could be worth
a couple grand.

All that Antique Roadshow
really paid off.

Hey. Come on.

Come on.

All right.
I've become quite the expert,

since I've got
to put one on every week.

It's okay, man.
I don't need your help.

Yeah, you do.

( sighs )

You're going to hang
yourself with this thing.

Uh... let's see...

( mumbling ):
All right...

You know,
these formal things, they...

seem like they're going to be
pretty boring, but, uh...

usually something crazy happens.

Keeps it exciting.

-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah. All right.

There you go.

I am impressed.

( chuckles )

Nice.

Ready to rip off
some Newpsies?

Kirsten?
Hello, Chanda.

We never see you anymore.

I know. I've been
really busy with work.

Well, you look great.
Thank you.

Hey.

Marissa, where'd you get that?

Oh, I found this in the basement

with all this other old junk
my mom's getting rid of.

I better get in there.

-You look beautiful.
-Oh, thank you.

When you think about it,
our own graphic novel--

it's like ten times cooler
than a comic book ever was.

Hmm. You guys bringing back
the comic book?

No. Absolutely not.
Goodness gracious, no.

It's a graphic novel,
it's totally different.

Oh, okay.

So there's no Kid Chino
or no Cosmo Girl?

No the two of you working together,
ruining our friendships?

I guess it isn't
that different.

Look, I promise
it won't be like before.

And we already
kind of said yes.

Yeah, but just to a meeting.

Okay...

Any trouble...

Hmm...

no more graphic novel,

no more comics,

no more me.

Pinkie swear.

Okay.

Hey, last minute addition?

Oh, yeah. Thanks. I'll just take
it in the back and tag it.

Um... thanks again
for helping out my brother.

I... I appreciate it.

Seems like things are
going pretty good, right?

Yeah. Um...

Well, I'm going to go see
if they need help inside.

I'll see you in there.

Trey.

Hey.
Hey.

I'll see you in a bit.
What's up?

There's this glass egg from
Risky Business.

It's probably the
most valuable thing here,

and now it's gone.

Trey didn't...?

Yeah. Yeah. I think he did.

Why would Trey
steal anything...

everything's going
great, right?

No.
No, he lied.

He didn't clear the background
check on the apartment.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because I told her not to.

So you stole it.

I didn't steal it.

Don't lie to me, Trey.

What does it matter?

These people think
this stuff is junk.

How could you do this, man?

After everything the Cohens
have done for you,

everything Marissa's
done for you?

Can't you think of anyone
but yourself for five minutes?

I wasn't thinking about myself.
I was thinking about you.

That's why I wanted
to get the money,

so I could just get out
of everybody's way.

Well, now you're
going to be,

'cause you're
going back to jail.

Wait. Stop.

I could still get it back.

( sighs )

I've got the money.

Come on. Please.

You've done enough. I'll go.

( gavel bangs )

SANDY:
Good afternoon, Newport Beach,

and welcome to the O.C.
Pseudo-Charity Non-Yard Sale.

( laughter )

Yes, exactly. You get it.

I'm Sandy Cohen.
I'll be your host and your

auctioneer for this grand event,

brought to you by Newport Living

and the fabulous team
of Carter Buckley

and the lovely and alluring
Kirsten Cohen.

Let's give it up for them!

What are you going to do?

I'm going to go find the egg
before anyone notices it's gone.

But...

All right...

Hey.

Last year, we raised
$100,000...

...but only $50,000
went to charity.

Hey.

( whispering ):
Psst. Summer. Come on.

What? But the auction.

Yeah, exactly. Come on.

What are we doing?

Hey.

Uh, we're stalling until
Ryan gets back with egg.

( whispers ):
What egg?

Our first item...

Hey.

Hi.

Can I help you?

Oh, well...
we're your assistants.

Every honorary chair gets
assistants...

to, uh, assist.

Oh.

Let's welcome our lovely
assistants,

ladies and gentlemen.

( cheering )

Hey. Where are you going?

Uh, I'll tell you later.

Tell me now.
Marissa gets to be part of the plan.

There's no plan.
I just got to do something.

Okay, well,
you're going to need a wingman,

and Marissa
and my dad are busy.

Come on. I never get to go.

Yeah, there's a reason.

Yeah, but if I go with you,
no one's going to suspect anything,

'cause we all know that if you
were doing anything dangerous,

I wouldn't get to go.
I'm the perfect cover.

No more comments
about me and Marissa?

You and who?

( keys jangling )

I didn't know
you were going to throw it.

I'll catch it next time.
I just need a heads up.

You going to be wingman,
you're going to have to catch the keys.

I'll catch
the keys next time.

Okay, folks, here's
a beautiful Erte-esque statue.

Yes, indeed, very fetching.

Why don't we start the bidding
at... $75.

I guess it's very "esque."

More "esque" than Erte.

Sold to the lovely young lady.

The ram's head is going for...
$300.

Do we hear $300? $300 over here!

$400 over here!

$550! Over here!

Going once! Going twice!

Sold for $550.

Imagine what the whole beast
would've cost you.

* *

* *

SANDY:
Do I hear $2,000 for the tea set?

$2,000! Do I hear $2,500?

$2,500! Well, okay. $3,000?

$3,000!

$3,000! $3,500?

$3,500!

Do I hear $4,000?

Come on, folks,
reach into those deep pockets.

$5,000.

Fi... Five thousand dollars!

$5,000.

Do I hear $5,500?
$5,500, anyone?

$5,500. All right.

Nah.
Going once.

Going twice.

Sold!

For $5,000

to my lovely bride,
who, apparently,

is just crazy for tea.

( applause continues )

All right, this is it.

Must be in the back.
You stay here.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know.

Okay, I got a plan--
it's the kind

of plan that made me
All-Camp Capture the Flag,

Camp Taco, and it is
extremely stealth.

RYAN:
Uh-huh.

This next one
is a very exciting one.

Folks, who here...

is a Tom Cruise fan?
Do something.

What? Why?
This is what Trey stole,

Ryan went to go get it back.

What do you want me
to do about it?

Ladies, if you could,
please bring,

straight out of 1983...

My shoes!

Yeah!
Yes!

Which are vintage!

Your shoes?

SUMMER:
How about we auction these off?

What are you doing?

Everything's been
auctioned off.

Other than, uh...

you know.
Yeah, I do know, and it's up next.

So you better think
of something else to auction,

or Summer's gonna be
selling herself.

SANDY:
$30!

$30 anyone?

MAN:
Sixty!

Sixty dollars?

Ew! Foot fetish much?
Sold!

Hello. Pleased to meet you.

Who the hell are you?

Well, I am Pippens McGee,

and I'm from the Film
Preservation Society.

Now, what we are doing is,
we're putting on

a Tom Cruise retrospective.

Now, I understand
that you are in possession

of the crystal egg
from Risky Business?

SETH:
Hi.

How are you?

Now, what we're doing is,
we're collecting, uh, Mr. Cruise's props

from his most memorable films
and putting them on display.

We've got the rum bottle from
Cocktail.

We've got the ceramic mask
from Vanilla Sky.

We've got the little kid with
the big head from Jerry Maguire.

He's actually in the car.

I don't know if you're
interested in meeting him...

Come on, man, get lost.
Wait.

How does he know
about the egg?

How does he know
about the egg?

How do you know?
How do I know?

How does he know?
How do you? How do I?

How do you know about the egg?
How do I know about the egg?

Yes.
Okay, but...

Mr. Cruise had it
outfitted with a...

trans... mitro... pneumonic
transmitter device tronic.

It's... sort of a homing device.
Must be a Scientology thing.

Mr. Cruise does it
to all his favorite props.

Let's kill this guy, man.

RYAN:
Hey!

Hi.

What the hell
is going on?

Seth! Go deep!

This never worked in P.E.

All right...

This is unexpected.

But in a good way.

We have a new addition
to the auction.

They clean, they mow the lawn,
they look good in suits.

Folks, we're talking

about two of Newport's
most strapping young men,

Zach and Trey!

Where do we begin the bidding?

Eight hundred!

Ryan, I caught it.

That's great. Run!

SANDY: And now the item
you've all been waiting for.

Since there is no thing
and no one left to be auctioned,

that's right, folks, finally,

the crystal egg
from Risky Business.

Ladies.

Ladies.

Yeah. So, um,

you've all heard
of a silent auction,

but for this item,
we thought it might be fun

to do a blind auction.
Yeah, yeah, um,

since you can't actually
see the egg,

we thought
we would describe it to you.

So, it's egg-shaped,

and... it's made
of crystal.

Uh-huh. And, well,
Tom Cruise touched it.

So that's hot.

That's hot.

Let's start the bidding
at $5,000.

$10,000! Going once!

Come on, folks,
we're talking about

a major piece
of motion picture history here.

$10,000 going twice!

Reach into those deep pockets
of yours!

Come on, folks!

$10,000 going three times!

Going... going...

Yes! Going and sold!

To the beautiful young lady
right here at the front.

Gentlemen,
please present the egg

to the very proud owner.

Ladies and gentlemen!

That's it for today's auction.

The bar is open!

( man whistling )

Looks like the Ironist
and Kid Chino,

with a little help
from Cosmo Girl

and Little Miss Vixen,
saved the day.

It's like an issue
of Atomic County.

Mm, no, just life with Trey.

Thank you for your help.
Yeah.

I don't know
what you kids were up to,

but I'm betting it had
something to do with Trey.

( whispers ):
Whoa. He sings,

he surfs, and
he reads minds.

And it's still not enough
to get you to talk to me.

The next time something
comes up, come to me.

( knocking )

( sighs )

So I earned $400
auctioning myself off.

I figure that's
a start, right?

( sighs )

I got you the money
you need.

I sold something
from my basement.

I said I'd help you.

I just wish you'd heard me.

I screwed up.

I know.

I-I just...

wanted to do it on my own.

You don't have to do this
on your own.

Yeah, I do.

'Cause there's no way Ryan's
ever gonna forgive me, and...

I don't blame him.

I'll talk to him.

Thank you.

And I'm gonna pay you back.

You know, if you told me
you wanted that tea set,

I would have just
given it to you.

Well...
my mom would've been proud

to have her tea set auctioned
for charity.

It's okay. I thought
it was lost.

My dad's not a big fan of tea.

MARISSA:
Hey.

Hey.

What are you gonna
say to them?

Nothing.

In the morning, he's gone.
I don't care where he goes.

Well, he's going
to Alex's old apartment.

I got him the money.

Legally.

Thanks.

Mm.

You cold?

( laughs ):
You know, always.

I do wear flannel pajamas.

Thanks.

( phone rings )

Sorry. Hang on. Hmm.

It's my mom.

Hey.

Oh. Well, is everything okay?

Okay. All right. Bye.

I guess my mom
came home early.

She wants to pick me up
in half an hour.

So...

So.

I better go pack my stuff.

by paulonline