The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 4, Episode 7 - So You Think You Can Date - full transcript

So,you didn't hear it from me...

but that's why my brother
can't date Asian women.

Your brother sounds interesting.

Oh,you can say "crazy."
I'm not protective.

So,Ritchie's at his
grandparents for a few days,

which means we have the
house all to ourselves.

Oh.

I don't think I've given you a tour.

-Unh-unh.
-Okay.

So,this here is the downstairs.

Mm-hmm.



Do you want to see the bedroom?

-Yes,I do.
-Okay.

Can I tell you something
that might freak you out?

Uh,you don't really own a winery?

No,I do.

Oh,then nothing else matters.

I brought my toothbrush.

Oh,wow! You own a winery
and you brush your teeth.

Mmm,I think I could love you.

Now,give me a hand getting out
of these tummy flattening undies.

There's a "jaws of
life" under the pillow.

Christine!

Yeah,I'm up here!

Ooh,uh,sh-should I leave?



Oh,no,it's fine. It's just my ex.

Well,is,is he going to kill me?!

No.

-Should I hide?
-No!

Should you at least take
your hands out of my pants?

Oh,yeah,probably.

Oh,hey,sorry.

I thought you were alone.

She's normally alone.

Uh,Patrick,this is
my ex-husband,Richard.

Oh,nice to meet you.

Likewise.

Richard,what are you staring at?

Sorry,t's just seeing a guy in your bed,

it's like seeing a yeti.

Well,the act's coming along.

What else do you want?

Oh,my mom called--
Richie needs his iPod.

-Do you know where it is?
-Oh,yeah.

It's in the top drawer of
my bureau. Sorry about that.

Ritchie can't sleep without his iPod.

We're trying to wean him off of it.

Good luck,it took him two and a
half years to get off the boob.

They still look great though.

I mean,you know,it'll be dark,so...

I can't find it.

No,no,no,no,no!

-No!
-Ow!

Not in that drawer!

God!

Yeah,the wrong drawer.

It's not a big deal.

It's just it's a p-private drawer.

That's why I can never find
batteries in this house!

Here is the iPod.

Thanks. Oh,hey,did you
get a new bedspread?

No,you've seen this.

Is it cotton?

We have a silk one in our bed
and it's nice but it's so hot.

No,no,no,you've got to get cotton.

I'm still here.

Oh,sorry,you
know,Richard,you need to go.

It was nice meeting you.

Yeah,good luck with the comforter.

So,where were we?

Oh,yeah,I remember.

I was going to kiss you right about...

Should we talk about what just happened?

Oh,yeah,you know what?

That's not such a big deal.

You know,most single women
have a drawer like that.

You should see my friend Barb's.

It's a trunk.

I-I'm talking about you and Richard.

You two are very close,huh?

Oh,okay,yeah.

I knew this was going to come
up sooner rather than later.

Um,okay,yes.

I have an unusually close relationship

with my ex-husband,and
it's been a problem

for other guys I've dated.

The drawer kind of grew out of that.

But seriously,you know,it's
important that you're

on board for the Richard thing,

'cause you're going to have
to either take it or leave it.

I'll take it.

You will?

Of course.

Christine,I really like you.

Oh,wow.

The "take it or leave it" thing has
never really worked in my favor before.

I think what you and
Richard have is,is nice.

I mean,I wish I had that kind
of relationship with my ex.

Oh,no,no. I would not be okay with that.

-=www.ydy.com/bbs=-
Sync:ҡҷ????

Good morning,Matthew. Hmm.

How are you,you handsome man?

Morning,Mom.

So,I had another great date
with Patrick last night.

There's nothing wrong with this guy.

I told him everything;he didn't flinch.

Not about the underwear. Yuck.

Not about the drawer. Ugh.

He's even cool about my
relationship with Richard.

Ew.

Why is that an "ew"?

Well,you and Richard are annoying.

We are not annoying.

Oh,really? Wait till Patrick finds out
about those stupid games you make up.

What stupid games?

Uh,there's "Guess What I'm Eating,"

uh,"What Does This Smell Like?"

uh,and there's the super
irritating,"Wig or Real Hair?"

Let me tell you something.

Wig or Real Hair is the best game ever.

Uh,Richard showing you a picture he took

of someone's head and you saying

it's a wig,is not a game.

You're just mad because
we don't let you play.

-I don't want to play;
-it's not a game.

If it's not a game,then how
do I have over 10,000 points?

Uh,that's because when
the game was invented

you were sleeping with the judge.

You know what's different
about this relationship,Matthew?

You're not sending yourself roses
to make yourself seem more desirable?

No,I did that.

But what's different is me.

Hmm. Yeah,I've decided that

I am just too old to waste my time

pretending to be something that I'm not.

You know,I laid it all
out there for Patrick.

Gross.

Yeah,I did. I mean,he can either

have this relationship
on my terms or not at all.

I'm like,um,uh,

who's a woman who finally
gets what she wants

by standing up for herself?

Mrs. Doubtfire? Yeah,I'm
like Mrs. Doubtfire.

I'm like the Mrs.
Doubtfire of relationships.

I should write a book
about dating in my thirties.

Only if you wrote it ten years ago.

was good work
today,nutty-- Nancy.

I don't know why I said nutty.

You're not nutty. You're
Nancy-- Nancy normal

Well,I'll see you,see you next week.

Hey,so this is your office.

My dentist is in this building

and I saw your name on the directory.

Oh,that's nice,so you came up to visit?

No,my dentist doesn't validate

so I need two dollars so I can
get out of the parking garage.

Eh,that's nice,too.

So,what was that last girl's problem?

Uh,not a girl but I
can't say more than that.

I bet she's a fire starter.

I've seen that look before.

Not going to tell you,Barb.

I mean,I took an oath.

It was online,but I was holding a Bible.

Well,it wasn't a Bible. Harry Potter.

Fine.

So,how exactly does this work?

People just lie here and tell you stuff?

And-And what do you do?

Well,you know,I listen.
I offer suggestions.

Sometimes when I get bored

I draw little pictures of squirrels.

Hmm.

This is comfortable.

You know,when I first met Pete
he reminded me a lot of my dad.

Uh,Barb.

What are you doing?

Nothing. Just talking.

Laying on the couch and talking.

I've never been to
therapy,and I'm curious.

So,when Pete and I first got married,

we took a cruise with my
parents. Okay,Barb,stop.

No,you can't do this here.

What? I was just thinking about

where it went wrong with Pete
and I want to talk it through.

I mean,I would've told
my dentist this stuff

but he had his hands in my mouth.

Yeah,I can't be your therapist.

Oh,I don't want you to be my therapist.

I'm just talking to my friend.

You're my friend,right?

Well,yeah,but,uh...

Friends talk about stuff. Yeah.

So,let's talk.

You're good,Matthew.

That story would have
shocked most people.

I feel better.

I should call someone.

-Hey.
-Hey.

Can I hang out here for a little while?

Sure. Why?

New Christine's sister and
mom are over at the house

talking about the wedding,so
I had to clear out.

It started out nice,but
then it kind of seemed like

they were trying to
talk her out of it,so...

I decided to leave before I
gave them any more ammunition.

Yeah,my mom tried to warn me.

You should've listened.

Are you going out?

Yeah,I'm meeting Patrick.

He's taking me to that new
French place down the street.

You're kidding. Unh-unh.

I've been trying to get a
reservation there for a month.

How did he get in?

He owns a winery.

That's how he got in there.

And that's how he's getting in here.

A winery,man.

The only businessperson
New Christine knows

is some guy who makes his own dog food.

Well,I guess you could come with us.

On your date? Uh-huh.

I'm not going to do that.

I'll eat at home.

I've got some lamb and rice
Christine left in the fridge.

Nah,it'd be fine.

Patrick's totally cool about us.

Okay. If you're sure he won't be mad.

Nah,he won't.

I told him you were
going to be around a lot,

and he's going to have to either take it

or leave it. So he took it.

Really?

Yeah,I mean,Richard.

Who's going to leave this?

I left it.

No,I left it.

Well,the important thing is

one of us left it before we killed it.

So,come on. Patrick knows the deal.

I feel like it could be awkward.

Oh,how could it be awkward?

Wig.

Wig.

Wig. No,wait,go back,go back.

That one looks real.

No,wait,wig.

Wow! You're on fire.

Yeah.

You want to play once?

I'm not sure I understand it.

I'll start you off with an easy one.

Wig.

Well,actually,no,that's me.

That's my screen saver.

And that's worth 10,000 points!

That was the best cr
me br l\e I ever had.

Rich,though.

I'm glad we shared it.

Yeah. Wasn't it great?

I actually didn't get any.

You two ate it while
I was in the bathroom.

Oh,I'm so sorry.

It's just that it was so small.

I kind of panicked a little.

You want to come inside?

I don't know.

Oh,come on. I'll open
up a nice bottle of wine,

and I promise I won't drink your glass

when you go to the bathroom.

All right,I'll come in for a while.

Oh,great. Richard,you up for that?

Uh,maybe I should take off.

No,no,don't be silly.
Patrick doesn't mind.

Yeah,I don't mind.
Because I'm going home.

What?

Good night,Christine. Richard.

Have a great time.

Wh-What just happened?

I think he just left it.

-Hey.
-Hey...

Richard told me what happened
so I made you a tuna casserole.

I usually make it for funerals
but it seemed appropriate.

Any word from Patrick?

Nope.

He's not calling me back.

And I thought we had such
a good time on our date.

Didn't we,Richard?

I mean,did you notice
anything strange on our date?

Whose date?

Our date. Me and Richard and Patrick.

Oh,come on,now,don't
make this all weird.

But it is weird.

You shouldn't ask your
ex-husband on a date

with your new boyfriend.

I think she might be right,Christine.

I kind of felt that way last night,

but I didn't want to
miss out on a free meal.

Maybe you're using your
relationship with Richard

to keep from getting close with Patrick.

You might have intimacy issues.

No,that's not what this is about at all.

This is me stating what
I want in a relationship

for the first time in my life,okay.

It's honest,it's mature.

-It's stupid.
-You're stupid!

I think you're scared
and you're using Richard

to avoid intimacy with Patrick.

Avoid intimacy?

Please,You should have
seen what I was doing to him

with my foot under the table.

Oh,God. That was you?

Oh,God. That was you?

Why dn't you say something?

I thought it was Patrick
and he was paying for dinner.

I didn't want to be rude.

Richard,you better hope
my mother and sister

don't find out about this.

They already offered to pay
me $5,000 not to marry you.

You going to take it?

Take it.

You guys,how well do you know Barb?

We've been friends since college.

She's my husband.

Well,she told me something yesterday

in the office that's shocking.

And even though I'm not her therapist,

I think if I told you
I'd be crossing a line.

But I so need to tell someone.

She's a fire starter isn't she?

She's always accusing other
people of being fire starters.

That's probably because
she is a fire starter.

Yeah,she fits the profile
but she's not a fire starter.

Did she kill someone?
She has a lot of rage.

I mean,it's what keeps
our marriage interesting.

Is it about sex? I bet it's about sex.

And fire. And rage.

No,it's not.

Well,can you tell us a story about that?

Or,if you can't tell us what Barb said,

maybe you could act it out for us.

That might be all right.

It says nothing in the
oath about charades.

Ooh,great! I'm so good at charades!

Um,oh!

You're skinny. Uh,you're pale?

Uh,you're a prisoner!

Ooh! You're a prisoner of war!

I haven't started yet.

Oh,oh,sorry.

You're looking good,uh,by the way.

Oh,ar-are you a bird? Are you a crane?

Are you karate kid?

Ooh,are you Ralph Macchio?

Oh,my God. You're telling them!

No,no,no.

I was showing them not telling them.

And it was a totally
different Ralph Macchio story.

Not every Ralph Macchio
story is about you,Barb.

You're a terrible therapist.

I told you,I'm not your therapist.

Well,you're an even worse friend.

She may have you there.

What am I going to do?

ll tell you what you're going to do.

You're going to go apologize.
And you're going to go

to Patrick and tell him how you feel.

And that is the last time that
you're going to play footsie

with anyone other than your fianc\e.

Hey,uh,who put you in charge?

I'm sick and tired
of watching you idiots

run around screwing up your lives.

She may have us there.

Thank you so much for
going out with me again.

Thank you so much for coming alone.

I know,I know. I-I really
don't want to mess this up.

You know,um,stupid
Richard's stupid fianc\e

said something so stupid and...

I think she might be right.

Um,I think that I'm
trying to push you away

because I'm scared of
how much I like you.

Well,I really like you,too.

And if you were trying to push
me away you did a good job.

A really good job.

Seriously,I almost
changed my phone number.

That's happened.

What are you afraid of?

Ugh,I'm in my thirties.

And you're afraid I'm going to find out

you're not in your thirties?

No,I'm always going
to be in my thirties.

But,um,

I-I've dated a lot of
guys,and I know all the things

that can go wrong in a relationship.

Like what?

I don't know,like,uh,I like
you more than you like me,

or you like me in the
beginning,but then it doesn't last.

You know,I never thought
when I got married

that I'd get divorced. Did you?

No.

No,but we did.

You know,things fall apart.

Even when they seem perfect.

Love changes to hate. Hate to repulsion.

Repulsion to lust. Lust to revenge.

Then fun. Then... sad.

It's awful.

It is awful.

God,I was so sad after
my divorce. Right?

And even if we're one of the
rare cases that don't break up

and we're happy...
Bam! One of us dies...

...and the other is left
devastated and alone.

My God.

It is scary,Patrick!

It really is scary.

So,what do you want to do?

Well,obviously it would be insane

to put ourselves through
that kind of pain.

Especially when we
like each other so much.

Yeah,so,we're breaking up?

I think it's best.

Yeah.

Oh,hey,thanks for coming here.

I want to apologize for what I did.

Yeah,you should apologize.

You were my therapist.

I was not your therapist!

But maybe I shouldn't
be anybody's therapist

if I can't keep my mouth shut.

I'm certainly not helping

that sex addict you
saw in here yesterday.

She's a sex addict?

Oh,my God! What is wrong with me?

Don't be too hard on yourself.

That story I told you was pretty good.

That story was unbelievable.

Yeah,that's because it wasn't true.

What?

I saw Ralph Macchio
at my dentist's office,

and the rest I got on CSI.

What are you doing to
me? Why would you do that?

I don't know. I started talking
and my story sounded so tame,

I didn't want you to
start drawing squirrels.

My worst fear is that
people will think I'm boring.

And squirrels.

Why would anyone think you're boring?

I don't know.

I grew up with three
really interesting sisters,

and I was always afraid
I was going to disappear.

Wow,you should talk
to someone about that.

That's a real issue.

Yeah....

I never told anyone this but
there was this one Christmas

when the te went up in flames.

I don't care that I'm scared.

What?

And I don't care

that you're trying to scare me off.

Oh,I'm not.

Uh,this is just what I
look like without make-up.

No. Before.

I know it's scary.

I know we don't know
how it's going to end.

But I want to be with you anyway,

because I also know that

I would regret walking away from this.

Yeah,keep going. You're good at this.

I want to do this. Do you?

Oh,my God. Are you proposing?

The answer is yes!

What? No.

No,no,then the answer is no!

Are you trying to freak me out again?

No,no. I don't know. I'm confused.

You know,I-I-I don't
want to get married again.

Neither do I.

So what should we do?

I don't know.

So,are we breaking up,then?

I guess so.

Okay,well,um,thanks for coming over.

Wait,that's not why I came over.

You're confusing me.

Can't we just be
together and take it slow?

Slow? Oh,yeah,I can do slow.

And then fast and then slow again.

Do you want to see my bedroom?

Yes,I do. Okay.