The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 1, Episode 3 - Open Water - full transcript

So, sweetie, today's a big day.

Your first swimming lesson.

- That's today?
- Yep.

I'm not going to my swimming lesson.

Ritchie, we have talked about this.
You're 8 years old.

We live in Los Angeles.
You have to learn how to swim.

Why?

Because, honey,
you can't keep going to pool parties...

...telling people
you're having your period.

That's what you say.

That's because I don't wanna get in a
bathing suit in front of the other mothers.



Tell you what,
if you go to your swimming lesson...

...I will write you a check right now
for a million dollars.

You don't have a million dollars.

I don't even have a check.

- What's going on?
RITCHIE: Uncle Matthew.

Mom offered a million dollars
to go to my swimming lesson.

Don't do it. She still owes me
a zillion dollars for taking her SAT's for her.

Yeah, and thanks, by the way,
for that combined score of 400.

I was in third grade.

- You have to go to your swimming lesson.
- No.

You want me to take you
to your swimming lesson?

I'll go get a towel.

How did you do that?

I don't know.
But I do know it doesn't work on women.



- Ooh.
- No, no, that's for the company.

Who's coming over?

Uh, Pete and Barb,
Richard and New Christine and me.

Ha. One of your famous
fifth wheel brunches.

Why do you invite over your ex-husband
and his girlfriend all the time?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Because I'm nice and civilized.

And Richard's bringing the bagels...

...and the twinkie.

And by the twinkie,
I mean his new girlfriend.

Oh, you are nice.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Hi, Christine.
- Hey.

I'm sorry we're late,
we were talking to your neighbor.

He's so lonely
since the twins went off to Cornell.

But his wife's doing a lot better.
What a nice family, huh?

Somebody lives right there?

Thanks for doing this. Should be fun.

Me and Christine,
Pete and Barb, you and...

- The bagels.
- Ah.

- There you are.
- Sorry, we're late.

- Got hung up talking to your neighbor.
- That man will talk your ear off.

That guy's friendly, huh?

Really? The house right there?

Oh, this is unbelievable.

- What?
- Get a load of this. Lookit.

Is his hand in her pocket?

Yeah.

Let's say that's where it is.

- Shut up, Pete. You're gross.
- Gross.

Yeah, go over there and break it up,
but be subtle.

Gee, Richard, get your hands out
of that poor girl's pants.

Believe it or not, that was subtle for him.

[GRO ANS]

If it bothers you,
why did you invite them?

It doesn't bother me. It's just so gross.

I mean, seeing them be so gross together
makes me wonder...

...if anybody will ever be gross
with me again.

Give Pete a second mimosa,
and your wish may come true.

Come on, let me set you up.
I know a lot of great guys.

- Please, Barb.
- Come on, Pete and I have been dying to.

One call and you could have a hand
down your pants by Friday night.

Well, that is very tempting, really.

But you know how I feel,
I mean, setups are so phony.

You meet some stranger, you go,
you have a couple of drinks...

...you make chitchat about,
I don't know, where you parked...

...why you don't eat bread,
how come you didn't vote.

You know, if I meet somebody, I want it
to be spontaneous, you know?

I want... I want the spark.
I want the magic, you know?

How's that working out for you?

Pretty good.

Come on, sweetie...

...you spend all your time
at Ritchie's school...

...you live with your brother
and you own a women's gym.

You'd need a wand and a rabbit
to make magic happen there.

I mean, come on, you gotta put yourself
out there to find what you want.

I think I'm looking for that.

- You had that.
- No, not that.

That:

This:

And a little of this:

You look like you're shampooing a cat.

I want a relationship, okay?
I want what they have.

We gave them what they have. Pete and I,
we're the ones who set them up.

You set them up?

Don't look at me like that.

I've been asking to set you up
for two years, you always say no.

Do you want me to set you up?

- No!
- See, that's what I thought.

But when you're ready, I'll hook you up,
you know, find you a really nice guy.

Someone who knows
what's on the other end of all:

Forgot the cream cheese.

So Barb was telling me that she and Pete
set you and Christine up, huh?

Yeah, why?
You gonna let her set you up?

No, no. That's not for me.

No, sir. I am a naturalist.

You study nature?

No, I hate nature.

What do you call somebody...

...who believes they should meet somebody
naturally, you know, without being set up?

- Lonely?
- Oh.

That's very nice.
No, no, no, I mean, I don't need help.

I'm just waiting for magic.

- How's that working out for you?
- Pretty good.

Yeah, you don't need that.

You've got a bagel.

You're gonna love this, Ritchie.

You're gonna get out there,
do a little kicking, a little splashing.

Before you know it,
you'll be peeing in the deep end.

Hey, they're all babies.

I'm not taking swimming lessons
with babies.

Oh, I'm sure they're in a different class.
They won't put you with the babies.

Hey, uh, excuse me,
he's looking for the 10:00 swim class.

This is it. You get to be a guppy.

[GOOFY VOICE]
A guppy is a baby fish! Ha-ha-ha!

I'm not doing this.

Your mom really wants you
to learn how to swim.

- Don't you wanna show off for her?
- I can't get in the pool.

I have my monthly visitor.

Shh. Shh.

[WHISPERS]
Don't say that.

You really gotta stop hanging out
at your mom's gym.

Okay, can I have everyone over here,
please?

[GOOFY VOICE]
All my guppies. Ha-ha-ha.

Welcome, baby fishies.

Okay, to start our lesson, if I could have
all the parents pick up their child.

Okay, now go ahead
and walk your children into the pool.

Wait, what? What?

This is how we do it.
It makes the child feel safe.

Well, forget it. He's not even my kid.

- Just get in the pool.
- You get in the pool.

- I need you in the pool.
- Let go of me.

I can't swim, all right? I can't swim.

I don't see why I have to go to a spa
to get ready for a date.

In the past, I'd just shave up to my knees,
slap on a little Charlie, I was good to go.

Well, things have changed.

Unfortunately,
men just aren't into bumpy...

...scaly and hairy as they used to be.

All right, but you know what? I am not
getting one of those Brazilian waxes.

I don't know why people think
that's so sexy.

I did that once, it was like a hair arrow
pointing to my C-section scar.

- Okay, I'm gonna go.
- Mm-hm.

Uh, but when you're on your date,
please, have fun.

- Yeah. Okay.
- Oh, and one more thing.

Do not, under any circumstances,
use the term hair arrow.

I won't. That's it. I won't.

That's a good tip. Thank you very much.

Hello. I'm, uh, Christine Campbell.
I have a 3:00 appointment.

- Oh, yes. Ms. Campbell, welcome.
- Thank you.

Uh, it says you didn't pick
which treatment you wanted.

Oh, yeah. I didn't know what you had...

...and I didn't think an hour
was long enough time...

...to attach a new body to my head.

[LAUGHS]

But, uh, I've got a date tonight, actually,
and I'm pretty excited, you know.

I've got my outfit all picked out
and everything.

I'm being set up, actually,
and normally, I don't go for setups...

...but this time, I said that I would.

Usually, I like to believe in magic and fate,
because I call myself a naturalist...

...which means that I like to believe
in things that are natural.

So I guess really, what I'm saying is
I'll take the Brazilian wax.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[SIGHS]

- Can I help you?
- Uh, yeah.

Uh, actually, I'm meeting someone.
But I don't know what she looks like.

- It's a blind date.
- CHRISTINE: Oh.

Hi, yes. Blind date, yes.

Hello.

- That's me.
- Okay. That's not a thing, is it?

Like if your foot touches the ground,
your house is gonna blow up?

No, no, no, it's not a thing.
I'm actually very normal.

I just thought that you would be
smaller than you are.

I'm sorry.
Would you like me to stand further away?

No, no, no.

No, you're perfect.
You're the exact right size.

You're... You're... You're...
Good arms, proportionate...

...head.

Aah! I'm sorry,
I haven't been on a date in a while...

...and, uh, I just got a wax today.

Sort of... It sort of feels like I slid down
a sandpaper banister.

[LAUGHS]

Wow, I bet you're really turned on
right now.

Yeah, actually, a friend of mine
convinced me to get a salt scrub today...

...and let me just say that certain things
should never be scrubbed with salt.

So I guess
we're not going all the way tonight.

Not unless it's in a tub of ice.

[LAUGHS]

Gosh, I was so nervous about tonight.
I got a new date outfit and everything.

- Yeah, I know, me too. Yeah.
- Oh, really?

About halfway over here,
I really regretted the purple shirt.

Oh, no, it's...

- It's just I hate blind dates.
- Yeah.

I'm always afraid
I'll get set up with some freak.

Yeah, I know, but I guess Pete and Barb
knew what they were doing.

Who?

WOMAN: Burton?
- Yeah?

Hi, I'm Cerise.

Hi... Oh, you're Cerise.

Oh, okay, well, hi,
I was just talking with my friend...

- Christine.
- You're Christine.

Hi.

- I'm David.
- Oh.

- Pete and Barb's friend.
- Yes, oh, hi. Good, good.

- You're David. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Wow, you're tall.

Not if you stand further away.

It's a great company to work for.

And the accounts payable gang
is just terrific.

Except for Neil. I hate Neil.

No, wait, not Neil. He bought me lunch.

Mark. No.

What's his name? Link.

No. Something with a K. Oh.

- Kevin?
- Who's Kevin?

No, the guy who always whistles.
What's his name?

I don't know.

I don't know any of the people
in your story.

John. John. That's it, John.

So, what are you gonna have?

Oh, I have this thing where I can't eat food
that's been touched by another person.

Of course you do.

Brought my own chicken.

I'm gonna have to get Pete and Barb
something real nice.

Let go, Matthew!

You're never gonna learn
if you don't let go.

[GOOFY VOICE] Don't you wanna swim
like a big boy fishy?

Hey, that helium voice would really work
on me in the bedroom, but not out here.

If I am gonna learn how to swim, it's gonna
be in my own good time. So back off!

Okay, you win.

Aah! Help me!
For the love of God, help me!

Stand up.

It's better. Good.

- Hi, Ritchie.
- Hi, Mom.

Hi, honey.

Hey, Matthew. How's it going?

It's good, I'm getting the hang of it.
How'd your date go?

What was Barb thinking? How come Richard
gets someone cute and young?

I want someone cute and young.

If you're looking for cute and young,
I might have someone for you.

Oh, I really do like cute and young.

I can't believe
I'm going out with Matthew's sister.

This is so hot. Ha, ha.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, I'm divorced too.

Eight hundred and forty-two days.

But it's great, really.
It's the best thing I've ever done in my life.

In fact, let's call her.

I mean, I know dating is hard
for everyone, you know?

[SIGHS]

I should probably
just cut myself some slack...

...but I'm not really
a slacky kind of person.

I bet you look great in slacks.

Actually, I look dynamite in slacks.

Oh, thank you.

- This is nice.
- Yeah.

- It's comfortable.
- Yeah.

- You're not gay, are you?
- No. Uh-uh.

I'm sorry. But when my mom said Sam,
I didn't ask any questions.

You wanna go back to my house
anyway?

Well, I would love to see the new deck
that you built...

...but that's really gonna have to be it.

Probably.

- There you go.
- Yeah, you're doing great!

- Keep kicking!
- That is so good!

Keep kicking!

[LAUGHS]

- So who you going out with next?
- No one. I'm done. I quit.

Look, I know it's not easy...

...but you gotta look at dating
like you're on a desert island.

- What?
- Every night, you build a fire...

...and you hope a ship will see it
and come save you.

You do this for months and months.

After a year,
you're tired of building the fire.

You figure, what's the use?

A ship hasn't come so far,
why should I think it'll come now?

So you stop.

But what if the ship comes,
the day after you stop building the fire?

You've gotta keep making the effort.
I mean, what's the alternative?

- Wow, where did that come from?
- It was in an e-mail from my Christian aunt.

Well, thank you,
but I don't wanna build my own fire, okay?

I wanna walk across my island...

...and come upon a fire
that's already been built.

And I don't wanna know
how it got there.

I just want it to be hot, big
and maybe a mustache, but...

- Wait, where am I going with this?
- Magic.

Right, magic. Because I do.

I do believe in magic.

And then, if it doesn't come,
I'm okay with it.

Besides, you know, I've got a full life...

...and a body pillow
that I can get dressed in front of, you know.

I'm not gonna force it.

From now on, I dine alone.

That's so funny. You sell cars for a living
but you don't know how to drive a stick?

What? A lot of people can't drive a stick.

You know,
only about 20 percent of the cars...

...in the United States
are manual transmission.

I heard that, uh, 80 percent of all cars
in the United States are actually automatic.

You're saying the same exact thing
that I just said.

Yeah, I was... I was making a joke...

...but only 20 percent of my first date jokes
are actually funny, so...

Ahem. How's your salad?

You know, I just got into feta
for the first time this year and so...

WOMAN:
I'm still in here.

Oh.

Sorry, I didn't know
if I turned the knob the whole way.

I didn't wanna be standing out here
waiting for an empty bathroom.

- I've done that before...
WOMAN: Stop talking to me.

Oh, right.

WOMAN:
God bless it! What is wrong with you?!

No, that wasn't me!

Sorry, I guess we're having a little thing,
apparently.

Well, you're still doing better
than I am on my date.

Oh, yeah. I noticed that.

She, uh...
She knows a lot of facts about cars.

Yeah.

Oh, not just cars, no, trucks, SUVs,
mopeds and for some reason, Palm Pilots.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, the sound of a woman's laughter.
It's been so long.

Well, what happened to, um, Barbie
from the other night?

You two seemed to be hitting it off.

Yeah, we got into a real heated debate...

...about the political direction the country's
moving in. I'm kidding. She was dumb.

She spent an hour
talking about her highlights in her hair.

Oh, really, those were highlights?
Wow, they looked great.

Did she happen to say
where she had them done...

...because I mean, as a country,
we are most certainly veering off course.

- You know, I mean, people need to vote.
- Yeah.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

How about you and your date?
I noticed he brought his own food.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

- You saw that, did you?
- Good kisser?

- Oh, the best.
- Yeah.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

What about Barbie?
Is she a good kisser?

[LAUGHS]

- Yeah, yeah, she was, actually.
- Oh, okay.

You know, but it doesn't matter.
I'm through with setups.

Why can't I find somebody on my own?

Without a bunch of friends
getting involved...

...or my mother handing out
my phone number to every woman...

...between 18 and 63, you know?

Whatever happened to spontaneity?

Whatever happened to magic?

I am so sorry.

I, uh... I don't know why I did that.

No, no, it's okay, I'm glad you did.

I've, uh, been wanting to do that
since our almost blind date.

Oh.

- Good kisser, by the way.
- Oh, well...

You're a good kisser as well.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Ahem. Well, I, uh...

I should probably get back
to my date.

Oh, right. Oh, my God.

- You're on a date.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Uh, can I call you?
- Oh, yes. Oh.

Uh, please, yeah,
I have a little thing that I can give you.

Here. That's, uh... That's me right there,
I'm Christine Campbell.

Okay, Burton Schaefer.
But I don't have a card.

Oh, well, that's okay.
You know, I got a deal.

Thirty bucks for 10,000.

- You want another thousand?
- Ah, no, I'm good.

- Okay. Well, it was nice to meet you.
- Uh, you too.

Yes. Okay.

- I still have to use the...
- Yes, I do too.

[ENGLISH SDH]